Rants of a Diva

Best Music Videos of 2011

2012-01-26T22:53:00.001-05:00

J. Lo "Papi"

A lot of people complained about the rampant, obvious product placement in her latest video. Ultimately, though, who cares when it probably paid for a video as fun and carefree as "Papi". The premise is simple yet, in a mere four minutes, plays out like the silly, classic J. Lo romcom we expect from her. And nothing else in 2011 reminded us why we loved J. Lo in the first place quite like the "Papi" video.

Rebecca Black "Friday"

The fact that "Friday" is not a good video in the typical sense is irrelevant. This was the video that had everybody talking in 2011. Who can forget where they were the day they first clicked on the link for this video? I know my life was never the same after witnessing Queen Rebecca decide which seat to take. The video is absolutely ridiculous, yes, but Rebecca injected enough class and charm into the proceedings to make all of the weaker links (the $40 budget, the terrible girl in the car next to Rebecca who can't dance and, oddly enough, looks like my cousin's fiancée) much less noticeable.

Rihanna "S&M"

Normally a non-starter in the music video area, Rihanna gave us two reasons to be hopeful in 2011 that she is finally beginning to understand how important music videos can be for her. The first of these was "S&M," which, with its candy-colored sets and deranged, over-the-top bondage costumes, became the first video of hers that portrayed her having "fun" without sticking her in some dark club with laser lights. This is RiRi at her naughty best.

Frankmusik & Colette Carr "No I.D."

Sure, the Grease homage is a tad overdone, but if you can find me two other popstars this past year who share as much chemistry as Vincent and Colette do in this video, my name isn't Dame James. Besides, did the year in music videos offer up any image nearly as delicious as Vincent, in leather jacket, sunglasses and with slicked-back hair, driving that race car at the end?

Hurts "Sunday"

The Hurts boys recreate the Orpheus myth with heaping helpings of melancholy, bright flashes of color amid a bleak color palette and a fashion sense straight from the pages of Vogue Italia.

Katy Perry "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)"

Unlike nearly any of Lady Gaga's videos this year, Katy Perry's massively stuffed "Last Friday Night" clip works despite its massive length for one reason: the video never feels at odds with the song. The two manage to cohabitate wonderfully, never once sacrificing the completeness of the song just to make the video longer. Bonus points for including 2011's other Friday girl, Rebecca Black, as the Katy Perry character's fairy godmother of sorts.

Beyoncé "Run the World (Girls)"

Not only did this video make me truly understand "Run the World" as a song, no other song this year managed to have a video that felt so at odds with the flow and rhythm of the song and still have it come out this wonderfully. Beyoncé's dancing is hypnotic, but the long takes and slow editing contrasting with that incessant Diplo beat takes it to a whole other level, making one of the neatest visual tricks of the year.

Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris "We Found Love"

My only complaint with Rihanna's "S&M" video was that there were too many cuts, not allowing us any time to fully see any of the extreme visuals (although, I suppose, there were reasons for that). With "We Found Love," there are, perhaps, just as many cuts, but it works for two reasons. One, it matches the insane, escalating, driving beat of the Calvin Harris production. But, more importantly, it manages to convey the essence of a whirlwind romance, how you are so in love and out of control that everything flashes by you and you have no idea what is going on but you don't care because you are so happy. It's an enviable feeling, which many people expressed on Twitter the day of this video's premiere. But they are missing the grand point of the whole video. Sure, everything was great in the beginning, but by the end of the video, Rihanna grows bored and realizes that all the happiness she once felt for him isn't worth the pain she's feeling at the moment. It's a pessimistic view, sure, but it's conveyed poignantly in this video, without a doubt the finest one she has ever made.

Britney Spears "I Wanna Go"

The most fun Britney has had on a video ever. Spoofing not only herself (Crossroads 2: Cross Harder) and her image (sexed up vixen flirting with all the boys she passes on the street), but the press, who, 5+ years after her meltdown, still won't stop hounding her, this is the video "Piece of Me" should have been.

Robyn "Call Your Girlfriend"

With the music video rebounding in popularity thanks the ease of access on the internet, this leaves artists a lot of room to differentiate themselves and come up with creative ways to sell their product. Unfortunately, very few artists take this path, creating one forgettable video after another. Not content with doing that, Robyn crafted a clever and all-around fascinating video for the final single from her Body Talk trilogy. Armed with herself, a room, a lighting scheme, one shot and a dance routine, Robyn has created one of the finest music videos since Beyoncé's "Single Ladies". It's been more than half a year since the video came out and I still can't get enough of it.

"It used to be witches. At least they don't burn you."

2012-01-26T20:14:00.000-05:00

Wow, it has been ages since my last post. Sorry about that. My life has been a whirlwind lately--in the best way possible, I must emphasize--leaving me little time for writing. However, I have a few free days, so it's time to get this blog up and going again. And boy am I coming back with a bang.

A couple months ago, my brother from another mother Dave from Victim of the Time and I were shooting around some ideas for a collaborative series. After a couple of stinkers, we came up with one that immediately piqued our interest: British gay films. Dave and I decided on a list of ten films we were interested in discussing and, voila, the Queer Anglo Film series was born! For our first entry, we immediately recognized that we couldn't discuss British gay cinema without discussing Victim, one of the very first films to discuss homosexuality in a frank and open manner. The fact that it stars my Pretend Boyfriend Dirk Bogarde certainly didn't hurt matters. So head on over to Dave's blog and check out what we have to say about this landmark film.

Imaginary Boyfriends of 2011

2012-01-09T10:04:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the year again! Let's honor the hottest, most desirable and all-around attractive men, aka my Imaginary Boyfriends, from the past twelve months.

(And in case you are curious about my previous picks, check out 2008, 2009 and 2010).

Johan Akan

As soon as I saw a picture of Johan, my first reaction was, "Who is this guy?" He's one of those models who looks good clothed, naked, doing a serious shoot, an artsy shoot, a fun, personality-driven one or even one with the legendary Catherine Deneuve. In other words, Johan is the total package and one of the best new models around.

Douglas Booth

Some guys have it all. And a select few, like Douglas, manage to have it all at the ripe old age of 19. He's got the looks of a model, an impeccable fashion sense (or at least smart stylists) and a career on the rise, with both a Miley Cyrus comedy and the umpteenth adaptation of Romeo & Juliet in the works. I would hate him if he wasn't so damn attractive.

Dominic Cooper

I will admit that it took me way too long to warm up to Dom (I still blame that boner crusher Mamma Mia!). Thankfully, 2011 was the year I came to my senses and truly fell for the The Coop. It certainly helped that 2011 was also the year of The Devil's Double, wherein Dom stripped down in to his Speedo and then some. Repeatedly. Needless to say, it was a very good year for Dom's fans.

Leebo Freeman

A bit "out there" for my usual tastes in men, I'll admit, but there's something about that platinum blond hair, those piercings, the way he rocks sunglasses, his versatility in front of the camera and, of course, his body, that works for me.

Max George

One of my favorite pastimes these past six months has been getting drunk and then tweeting very inappropriate messages to Wanted frontman Max George. He hasn't responded back yet, which is probably for the best. But you can hardly blame me when he looks as good as he does, especially on his recent Attitude magazine cover; I'm pretty sure I tweeted him that if I was 14 years old, I totally would have masturbated to his photo shoot.

Ryan Gosling

The Occupy People Magazine movement, started after People picked Bradley Cooper over Ryan Gosling as this year's Sexiest Man Alive, had to be one of the funniest protests in ages. How those boneheads ended up going with Cooper, who isn't bad looking by any means but is really only mega famous because of The Hangover, over Gosling is beyond me. This past year will always be remembered as the one where Ryan Gosling went from respected to indie actor to full-fledged movie star, and as the one where the last stragglers finally fell under his charm. If that doesn't qualify you as the Sexiest Man Alive, I don't know what will.

Armie Hammer

I never rank my Imaginary Boyfriends because I feel that it's enough of an honor just to be mentioned (yes, I am that conceited) and it's a hard enough task narrowing the list down to this many people without having to rank them. With that said, I think we can all agree that My Man Armie would probably be my number one for 2011. I fell in love with his goofiness while making the press rounds for The Social Network, I died of happiness when I heard he was making out with a dude on film (even though said film was an Eastwood film and said dude was DiCaprio), I posed with his cover of Details magazine, I saw freaking J. Edgar at midnight on its opening day. If that doesn't qualify as obsessive behavior, I don't know what does. And you know what? I wouldn't take back a single thing.

Josh Hutcherson

Vanessa Hudgens tried to sink her nasty claws into Our Josh, but thankfully she moved on to someone no one really cares about. The year started off very well for Josh, as he looked perfectly adorable in his tux at the Oscars. Perhaps even more important, though, was his casting in The Hunger Games, which should finally launch him as one of the best young actors in Hollywood. I'm definitely Team whatever character Josh plays.

Max Irons

One of the most unbelievable sights in the movies this year was in Red Riding Hood where we are supposed to believe that the gorgeous Max Irons was somehow an undesirable suitor for Amanda Seyfried. On what planet is he not even competition for the equally attractive Shiloh Fernandez? Nonsense!

Steve Jones

The sexiest host on TV (sorry, Seacrest) made one of the most unbearable shows of the year almost watchable whenever he came on-screen, yelling at Nicole "Cunt" Scherzinger to make a goddamn decision already. I will never watch another episode of this God forsaken show ever again, but I still dream about Steve holding me backstage while my friend goes out and auditions for the judges and we nervous wait their decision.

Harry Judd

With their music career in limbo, what else was there for the McFly boys to do but get naked and appear on reality shows? Thankfully, none of the boys delivered on each of these fronts as well as Harry did. The boy has no shame, but with a body and a face like that, can you blame him? As if seeing GIFs of his performances on Strictly Come Dancing weren't hot enough, along came that Attitude cover. We've already seen Harry pretty much naked but that cover feels dirtier than anything we've seen him do before. A tip of the hat to you, Harry.

Zayn Malik

When One Direction was on X-Factor, I was a Liam girl, through and through. But then he came out with that horrible hairstyle, and I moved on to greener pastures. I didn't realize just how green those pastures were with Zayn Malik until I was a complete fangirl referring to myself as Mrs. Malik. I think Zayn is poised as the bad boy of the group (He has earrings. And he's gives good seriousface.), but whenever he smiles, his eyes light up the entire room, inspiring me to join thousands of other teenage girls writing fanfiction about how he spots me across the arena at his concert and immediately falls in love with me. Sigh. A girl can dream, right?

Chris O'Dowd

Chris can't really compete with the others on this list in the looks department, but he makes up for any (slight) deficiencies in looks with his personality and sense of humor. In Bridesmaids, he was the most realistic Prince Charming in a romantic comedy in years. As an added bonus, he doesn't look too shabby in a police uniform.

Anthony Perkins

I've always found Tony attractive--hello, Psycho--but 2011 was when my lust for him went into overdrive. I saw The Trial late in 2010 and, consequently, went on full-on binge of Perkins movies. With Tall Story and Five Miles to Midnight, most of them stunk to high heaven. But Tony was never less than super attractive, so at least I had his lean, lanky frame to stare at for the runtime.

Eric Saade

In a land full of gorgeous, sexy men, Saade stands out as one of Sweden's sexiest. He has the moves like Timberlake and the looks of a Greek god. You simply can't say no to someone this attractive.

Marlon Teixeira

Of all the male models in the world willing to get naked and show off (nearly) all the goods, do any do it as willingly and with such glee as Marlon Teixeira? I've seen more of his body than I have of some people I've been intimate with. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, as his body is absolutely bangin'. God bless those Brazilians, every one of them.

Aaron Tveit

I have been in love with Aaron Tveit ever since he guest starred on Gossip Girl as Nate's ultra preppy, Senate-seeking cousin, yet somehow I have never once included him on one of these Imaginary Boyfriends lists. For shame, Dame! In all honesty, it may have been the best to wait for 2011, as Tveit had what was perhaps his most high profile year ever. First, he starred in the musical version of Catch Me If You Can on Broadway, which produced a great soundtrack and the chance to see him perform at the Tony's (in a pilot's uniform!). Then, we saw him as a guest star on Law & Order: SVU as, much to my happiness, a former basketball star turned drug addict who was sexually abused by his childhood coach. He sings, he dances, he plays emotionally damaged boys; how can you not love this guy?

OMGMichelleWilliamsISMarilynMonroe, or: When Will Everyone Realize That Mimicry Does Not Always Equal "Best"

2012-01-05T11:34:00.000-05:00

My Week With Marilyn is a piece of shit. With its BBC-level production values, a banal script full of clichés and dialogue that ranges from generic as all hell to "Holy fuck, people got paid to write turds like Marilyn telling Colin at the end of the movie, 'Don't forget me,' as if spending a week with one of the biggest celebrities in history is somehow going to slip his mind one day," and, perhaps most glaringly, an utter lack of any interesting new idea or thought, serving only as a cash-in on the infamy and legend of Marilyn Monroe, this film makes The King's Speech and its Wall look positively ripe with feeling and cinematic flourish. But you didn't need me to tell you any of this. I mean, you all have functioning eyeballs and eardrums, right? No, what I really want to talk about is this idea that an actor mimicking a real life person, preferably one who we are all familiar with and has identifiable quirks, somehow has more skill than an actor who conceptualizes a character from the page to the camera. Obviously, I'm not speaking in absolutes here, as there are "mimicry" performances that work and others that no one is particularly fond of, but it's a general trend in "important" movies that, after witnessing My Week With Marilyn, I have realized is getting completely out of hand.

Michelle Williams is an actress I respect and admire far more than I actually love. Her work with director Kelly Reichart, which consists of Wendy and Lucy and Meek's Cutoff, is good for what it is (cerebral and naturalist actressing pushed to the extreme), but it is rarely the kind of work that elicits any sense of excitement from me. Last year's Blue Valentine, which gave Williams' much more narrative to hang her introverted, low key acting style on, was the first time I truly loved a performance of hers, unbiased by the "Genius!" cries that usually surround her. With that said, how sad will it be that after that revelatory performance Williams will probably win the Oscar for her Marilyn Monroe in My Week With Marilyn? She's not bad by any means, but, my God, could people get any more worked up about such an inconsequential, run-of-the-mill performance? Williams does not nor will she ever possess the movie star mojo necessary to carry off the Marilyn Monroe needed for this film. If she was playing "The Actress" in a remake of the Nicolas Roeg's Insignificance, which relies on the Marilyn essence but asks for far more from its leading lady than My Week With Marilyn does, then I can easily see why Williams would be an appropriate choice. But My Week With Marilyn is such a flimsy, superficial film, it never asks for Williams' Marilyn to be anything other than Effervescent Star or Overwhelmed, Depressed, Close-to-the-Edge Star. You can tell Williams is straining for something, practically anything to really sink her teeth into, even if this something challenges the straining-to-be-sophisticated narrative. During one "crucial" scene, Marilyn and her confidante Colin run into a group of fans wanting to meet her. "Let me give them Marilyn," she remarks to Colin, before going into a parody of the Marilyn as sexual bimbo routine. The problem is that she's not giving us a different take on Marilyn, merely recreating the one she has played for the previous 80 minutes or the one we know from history or a quick Wikipedia search. We already know everything about this Marilyn.

The same thing could be said about Kenneth Branagh's much ballyhooed take on Sir Laurence Olivier. He gets the accent right, and even looks like Larry at certain angles, but what does he add to the role that we don't already know about him? He's vaguely funny at times, and he's a bit of a douche. That's all we've got. We learn nothing new about his character that we didn't already know from minute one. And he's hardly interesting enough to be a vivid sidekick, like Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids. "But, but, he practically becomes Olivier!" you'll hear supporters cry. So? The SNL cast members "become" various celebrities every week, yet you don't see people rushing around giving them Emmy's for every convincing De Niro or Denzel. Don't get me wrong, mimicry is extremely difficult and, given the chance, I don't even think I could do a proper imitation of myself, but it's only one component of a performance. If we don't connect to a performance on any other level, whether intellectually, emotionally or according to any other criteria, then what in the hell does it matter if they sound like Olivier? It's not a complete performance. And, in Williams' case, she doesn't even get the mimicry right, for she sounds and acts like how you would imagine Michelle Williams straining to be upbeat and perky at a party after her mother tells her to stop being such a Gloomy Gus all the time. In a blonde wig, of course.

Listen, I'm all for biopics with a point of view and stars playing stars, and I understand the appeal. But we can't continue to place "playing a real person" on a pedestal while ignoring acting that is either less showy, more difficult or funny. Especially when said acting fails to elucidate anything new about the person they are playing or about some grander theme. Mimicry can help an actor find their character, but let's not continue to mistake it for an actual character. My Week With Marilyn: D-, Williams *, Branagh *

Top 50 Songs of 2011, Part 2

2012-01-01T20:12:00.001-05:00

Read part one here.

20. Britney Spears "Criminal"

Britney and ballads usually don't mix, or at least they haven't since "Every Time". But "Criminal" is perhaps the first ballad of Britney's career that caters to her vocal stylings instead of the other way around. Bonus points for that flute solo.

19. The Wanted "Lose My Mind"

"Lose My Mind," a melancholic, mid-tempo ballad a good deal more mature and emotive than you would expect from "just a boyband," was the first song from The Wanted that truly clicked with me (so of course it's the only single of theirs that didn't even land in the Top 20 in the UK).

18. Jennifer Lopez featuring Pitbull "On the Floor"

"It's a new generation," J. Lo sings over the intro to this RedOne-produced jam, alluding to the fact that a whole generation has come and gone since the last time she's been a popstar (I mean, I didn't even have my driver's license the last time she had a Top 10 hit). With its swift tempo changes, contrasts between hard dance and soft, breathy pop and an accordion melody, "On the Floor" proved that J. Lo still has what it takes to keep up with the Gagas and Rihannas of the pop world.

17. Taylor Swift "Back to December"

Taylor usually comes off as a whiny, mopey lesbian who spends far too much time thinking about her feelings and crying. However, "Back to December," allegedly about her "relationship" with Taylor Lautner, is her first ballad that comes off as a mature piece of work, rather than mediocre poetry from a 16-year-old. The line "You gave me roses/And I left them there to die" is filled with more melancholy and bitter regret than most songs can muster in three and a half minutes.

16. The Wanted "Lightning"

With "All Time Low" and "Glad You Came" before, and now "Lightning", it is readily apparent that when The Wanted and Ed Drewett get together, magic happens. Taking a cue from the unexpected contrast between hardness and softness in Britney's "Hold It Against Me," "Lightning" is The Wanted's most ingenious song to date and further proof that this group's success is not a fluke.

15. Nicki Minaj "Girls Fall Like Dominoes"

Nicki manages on "Girls Fall Like Dominoes," without the crutch of imagining herself as a boy (á la "Like a Boy," "If I Were a Boy" or "Do It Like a Dude"), to deliver a powerful, "if the boys can do it, why can't I?" message with her usual off-the-wall flow. She also manages the near impossible feat of name checking both the Kardashians and Kristin Cavallari without looking like she's trying too hard.

14. Nicola Roberts "Beat of My Drum"

Now this is how you launch a solo career after being a part of a mega successful girl group for nearly a decade. Instead of giving a fuck about how commercial this song is, Nicola hired a producer better known for urban and club music to create the sound she was looking for. Combined with the most infectious and catchy school yard chant since "Hollaback Girl," "Beat of My Drum" is the best (and most successful) experiment of the year.

13. Adele "Rolling in the Deep"

Although it became impossible to avoid on both sides of the Atlantic, "Rolling in the Deep" doesn't get any less amazing the 500th time you hear it. It's the kind of mind-blowing pop anthem that comes along only a couple times a decade and should be treasured as such.

12. Lady Gaga "The Edge of Glory"

The 99 cents I paid for Gaga's Born This Way album was just for this song. Whereas most of that album was an ugly, monotonous mess, "The Edge of Glory" is a reminder of how good Gaga can be when she's not trying so hard to be an artsy, edgy artiste. In many ways, this is a throwback to the sonic and emotional overload that was "Bad Romance".

11. Hurts "Sunday"

"Sunday" is an achingly sad song, disguised with as fast of a tempo as you're likely ever to get from the notoriously gloomy British duo. The contrast is jarring, but only makes the song that much more fascinating.

10. Rihanna "S&M"/Rihanna featuring Britney Spears "S&M (Remix)"

What a lot of people failed to understand about this song is that S&M is not about the whipping, the tying up and the gagging. It is more about control and trusting your partner. In other words, there's a world of difference between your popstar boyfriend beating the shit out of you in a car and leaving you for dead (for example) and having someone you love and trust tie you to a bed and whip you. "S&M" is Rihanna taking back control of her life from past demons. The fact that it's a candy-coated pop song summarizes what was so brilliant about the Loud era--the combination of the darkness of Rated R with the commerciality of Good Girl Gone Bad. The remix is admittedly frivolous, and the production is wonky at best, but it's so much damn fun I can't resist. I still feel pangs of excitement every time I hear Britney's inimitable voice growl, "Na na na, come on!"

09. Adele "Set Fire to the Rain"

"Set Fire to the Rain" is the bombastic, over-the-top, shout-it-at-the-top-of-your-lungs powerballad I always knew Adele had in her. I love "Rolling in the Deep," obviously, and "Someone Like You" is a beautiful song, but this song is more suited to my taste for massive, emotional pop ballads ("Set Fire to the Rain" is up there with Céline Dion's magnum opus "It's All Coming Back to Me Now"), songs as emotional therapy (but I guess the entirety of 21 would fall under this category) and even songs with the word "fire" in them (just as this is my favorite Adele song, "Fire Bomb" is my favorite Rihanna song). Adele's throaty, gritty vocals have never sounded better, especially when she's singing, "Well it burned while I cried/'Cause I heard it screaming out your name." While 21 wasn't my cup of tea overall, it is because of songs like "Set Fire to the Rain" that I sincerely believe Adele is one of the greatest talents of our time.

08. Beyoncé "Best Thing I Never Had"

Aside from a new baby, girlfriend had a tough 2011. After releasing nearly every damn track off her challenging (but still brilliant) 4 album, Beyoncé couldn't land a Top 10 hit if she changed her name to Katy Gaga. I guess no one was in the mood for mid-90's R&B throwbacks (and whatever the hell you would classify "Run the World" as), which is an utter shame when they are as brilliant as "Best Thing I Never Had". The song's theme is that of a typical "I'm so glad I'm over you" anthem, but it's written from a slightly different point of view, giving it even further depth beyond B's powerhouse vocals (Which are fun to belt along with into your remote control/pretend microphone at 1 am. Not that I've ever done that).

07. Nicole Scherzinger "Don't Hold Your Breath"

I've grown to hate Nicole "Cunt" Scherzinger after her stint as judge on X-Factor US, but, as I have said before, don't hate the song, hate the singer. "Don't Hold Your Breath" is still a magnificently potent pop song, intelligently written to be an empowering "moving on" anthem with just the slightest hint of mournful sorrow about the demise of the relationship. Of course, Scherzinger's personality-free vocals have very little to do with its success, but she does deserve some credit for realizing what a great song this is.

06. Sophie Ellis-Bextor "Off & On"

While many will (deservedly) think of "We Found Love" as the Calvin Harris jam of the year, I can't rank it above Harris' underappreciated effort with the one and only Sophie Ellis-Bextor. "Off & On" has been floating around for a few years, first as a Róisín Murphy track which didn't make her album, then as an unreleased SEB demo and finally in this finished album form, and is still just as brilliant today as it was then. The fact that both Murphy and Ellis-Bextor, two immensely talented divas with two completely different styles, both managed to use this song to suit their individual styles has me curious what covers of this song by other pop divas and their favorite producers would sound like. I mean, imagine "Off & On" by Britney and Bloodshy & Avant, Nelly Furtado and Timbaland, P!nk and Dr. Luke or Madonna and William Orbit. The results would be all over the place, but "Off & On" is such a flexible song, you can easily imagine all of them working.

05. One Direction "What Makes You Beautiful"

I rooted for One Direction during their X-Factor days because even then I somehow knew that they were going to make music that I was going to appreciate and love. But when "What Makes You Beautiful" came out, they completely blew my expectations away. The title makes it sound like a dreary, completely clichéd mid-tempo boyband track, so color me surprised when I discovered it was the most cheery, sunny, peppy pop song you could ever hope for. Lyrics such as "If only you saw what I could see/You'd understand why I want you so desperately" sound like complete hokum, but the One Direction boys deliver them with such immense joy and earnestness, you begin to believe it. In other words, my new dream in life is for a boy to sing this song to me to proclaim his love for me (the boy in this dream may or may not be Zayn Malik). "What Makes You Beautiful" is the kind of song that makes you wish for something as ridiculous like that and doesn't make you feel ashamed about it after the song has ended. If that's not the definition of a perfect pop song, I don't know what is.

04. Eric Saade "Popular"

Saade is very hit or miss, as evidenced by the success of this year's Saade Vol. 1 album and the utter shittiness of Vol. 2 just a few months later. When he hits, as he does with his Eurovision entry "Popular," there are few male popstars in the world who can match him. There's nothing especially noteworthy about either the lyrics or the message of "Popular," both of which are pretty standard fare as far as dance-pop tracks go. But there is something in Saade's delivery, particularly in the last minute of the song where things go absolutely off the rails and Saade is wailing and crying and singing his heart out, that elevates this song to classic status. Saade may not have won Eurovision with this song, but he certainly won a fan in me.

03. Rihanna "Man Down"

The fact that "Man Down," Rihanna's farewell to the Rated R era in both theme and tone, was ever released as a single completely surprised me (although I wasn't as surprised by its underperformance on the charts). I can see why this song wouldn't appeal to Rihanna fans who are fond of her lighter, dancier stuff, but it's because of songs like "Man Down," where she is willing to skirt commerciality in order to express a darker, less digestible idea, that I'm such a big fan of hers in the first place. Now that she has the success and the credibility to back her up, she is up for trying anything, even if that involves a pseudo-reggae styling and her most pronounced Bajan accent ever featured on one of her songs. But the real power of "Man Down" is around the three minute mark where Rihanna completely descends into reggae territory and starts slurring words in her own, special way. Not many commercial artists would be willing to push their sound that far outside the box, but Rihanna does it without breaking a sweat.

02. Britney Spears "I Wanna Go"

At this point in her career, Britney has nothing left to prove. The woman has defied expectations for years and managed to stay relevant long after many of her early counterparts have bitten the dust (yes, Floptina, I'm talking about you!). So, what else is there left for her to do but assert herself as the Queen of Pop and remind us once again why we go to her for edgy, top-notch dance songs. "I Wanna Go," with it's talk of masturbation and showing us all the dirt Britney's got running through her mind, is nothing we haven't heard before from her. But is there anyone else on the planet who can sing about such things with such complete cheeriness and without making it the filthiest fucking song you've ever heard? I talk a lot about "summer jams" and how most of the ones made today are processed to sound like immediate iTunes must haves. But "I Wanna Go" is the perfect example of how a song not immediately destined for the easiness of a lazy day on the beach can completely encapsulate that feeling. The song is reckless abandon and utter freedom with a dash of naughtiness to spice things up. And without "I Wanna Go," 2011 would have been a whole lot less fun.

01. Nicki Minaj "Super Bass"

Ignorance may be bliss, but in the case of "Super Bass," ignorance nearly cost me my number one song of the year. It wasn't until this video's premiere in April that I even knew this song, or any of the other Pink Friday bonus tracks, existed. As soon as I heard the song, I liked it enough to download it. Then I kept listening to it and I thought to myself, "Hey, I can learn that rap!". So I spent nearly a month singing along with the lyrics, hoping that one day it would sink in. And then it did, but I still couldn't get enough of this song. Now at 98 plays on my iTunes--the only song that ranks higher is Girls Aloud's "Biology"--I can safely assume that I will never be tired of "Super Bass". Usually, I'm not a big fan of when Nicki does raps outside of her Roman ego, but "Super Bass" is the very notable exception to this rule, as she doesn't need that flamboyant, in-your-face arrogance to make this song work. "Super Bass" is a pop song through and through, with the only difference being, obviously, that Nicki raps her verses. Everything about "Super Bass" is a pure joy to listen to; I know I certainly perk up whenever I hear the opening notes come on my iTunes. Sure, it's not the deepest, most intricate rap Nicki has ever done, but how can you argue with the authoritative way she boasts, "Somebody please tell 'em who the eff I is" or her annunciation on, "You're slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh!"? Nicki sells this song like the star that she is, making this the year we found a popstar in a hopeless place.

Songs of 2011: "My Dilemma" and "What Do I Have to Do"

2011-12-29T00:50:00.001-05:00

I'll be announcing my 20 favorite songs of the past year within the next couple of days (catch up with 50-21 here). But until then, I wanted to briefly talk about two of the most important songs to me this year that were ineligible for my end of the year list for various reasons (one is an album track while the other is over 20 years old). These two songs got me through some rough patches this past year, and I am eternally grateful that they came into my life when they did.

Selena Gomez & The Scene, in my estimation, is quickly becoming one of the best pop acts around. Between their debut album and this year's When the Sun Goes Down, no artist has matured and found their sound quicker than Selena & The Scene. And within that short period of time, they have become the go-to artist for songs about indecisive men who send mixed signals about what they want leaving you confused and frustrated. "Round & Round", their first stab at this type of song, was my fourth favorite song of 2010. With such incredibly large shoes to fill, how would another song in this admittedly small genre even compare? Not only did this song handily surpass its predecessor, it also outshines nearly everything in Selena & The Scene's entire discography. Lumped in between two of the album's lesser tracks toward the end, "My Dilemma" can be easy to miss if you're not paying attention.

But you would really be doing yourself a disservice underestimating or, even worse, ignoring this track altogether. "My Dilemma" touches on what I suspect (or I hope since it happened to me repeatedly this past year and I don't want to feel so damned alone!) is a universal problem for a lot of us out there: men who confuse the fuck out of us. It's a song about how you can see every fault a guy has and tell yourself that you are over them, but the minute they are online or they text you something nice, you have to stop everything and talk to them. You hate yourself for doing it later on, but it feels so right in the moment and there's nothing you can do to stop yourself. And it finally gets to the point where you are not even interested in the guy anymore, you just love all the attention and drama of the situation. The lyrics of "My Dilemma" are simple, yet they nimbly and ably navigate this precarious situation. What really sells the song for me, I must admit, is Selena's vocals. The way she switches between high and low notes reflects the indecisiveness of the song: just as she can't decide how she feels about this boy, she can't decide whether she wants to sing the song in a falsetto or in her normal range. It's a smart choice for a smart song, and shows off Selena as one of the smartest vocalists around.

Within the first few months of 2011, I really got into Kylie Minogue's discography, finally getting around to listening to all of her early albums. I was already familiar with "What Do I Have to Do" when I was going through her Rhythm of Love album, but it wasn't until this year that the song really clicked for me. And boy did it ever click for me--rather unfortunately, I must add, as the song is all about pining for an oblivious guy showing absolutely no interest in you romantically. It's quite funny, actually, because, sonically, "What Do I Have to Do" sounds like the uplifting, catchy pop song we expected from her at this time. But, buried beneath Kylie's sweet delivery is a raging torrent of melancholy and longing. "What Do I Have to Do" is quite possibly the most devastating song in Kylie's discography--and that's saying a lot because the woman has done quite a few melancholic tracks over the years.

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Adam Brody

2011-12-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

How appropriate that one of my first major crushes was also Jewish. It's like I was born to love Jewish men.

Hope you had a wonderful Hanukkah!

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Jake Gyllenhaal

2011-12-26T17:05:00.001-05:00

I think the recurring theme of this series is me finding out about these hot guys being Jewish long after I first fell in love with them. How did I go years without knowing Jake was one of the Chosen People?

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Armie Hammer

2011-12-25T17:05:00.000-05:00

When I found out he was half-Jewish, I almost did a cartwheel. And given the fact that I like to move as little as possible, that means something.

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Dave Franco

2011-12-24T17:04:00.001-05:00

Most people would go with James, the more famous of the Franco brothers, but I've always had a ~~hard-on~~ soft spot for little Davey. How can you resist that face? Or those eyebrows?

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Anton Yelchin

2011-12-23T17:04:00.000-05:00

Jewish and a Soviet? Can Anton be any more perfect?

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Zac Efron

2011-12-22T17:03:00.000-05:00

Screw the Aryans! The Jews must be the superior race if this man is a member.

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: David Beckham

2011-12-21T17:03:00.001-05:00

Did you know that David was Jewish? My mind was BLOWN when I found out. Good one, Victoria, for getting hitched to one of God's Chosen People.

Top 50 Songs of 2011, Part 1

2011-12-20T17:45:00.001-05:00

The time has come! The end of the year is approaching so that means the end of the year lists must start. And what better way to kick all that off than with the first installment of my favorite songs of the year? As always, I had a difficult time narrowing my list down and placing them in the proper order, but after moving songs back and forth around the list, I threw in the towel and stopped fiddling with the order. I decided to split this list in two this year because I wanted to write at least a little something about each of the songs and I didn't want the post to become dauntingly enormous. So please do enjoy this list and let me know what you think about my inclusions. And stayed tuned for the Top 20 coming soon!

50-41

50. Simon Curtis "Superhero"

The moment I first saw Simon Curtis as a legitimate pop star.

49. Leona Lewis & Avicii "Collide"

Not quite the "Outta My Head" dance jam I was expecting, but it's nice to see Leona push herself out of her power ballad comfort zone.

48. Pitbull featuring Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer "Give Me Everything"

Commercial as hell? Yes. But that chorus saves the day. You actually forget Pitbull is on this song!

47. Alesha Dixon featuring Jay Sean "Every Little Part of Me"

Alesha's career is deader than Floptina's at the moment, which is a shame when she's still releasing songs as fresh as this one.

46. Beyoncé "Run the World (Girls)"

My feelings on this song went from "What a piece of shit!" to "Ooooh, the video's interesting. Maybe this song isn't so bad after all" to "Who run the world? Beyoncé."

45. Bingo Players "Cry (Just a Little)"

This song is as barebones as dancehall songs get: a pounding beat and a couple of lyrics from the 80's song "Piano in the Dark" repeated over and over. But its simplicity is what makes it one of the most irresistibly catchy songs of the year.

44. CocknBullKid "Asthma Attack"

The new critical darling of the indie pop world, CocknBullKid burst on the scene the first half of the year. "Hold On to Your Misery" caught my attention first, but "Asthma Attack" is the song that I keep going back to.

43. The Sound of Arrows "Nova"

This sort of synth pop isn't always my thing. But when I think it works, it really works for me. "Nova" is absolutely gorgeous, as close to a hymn as pop music gets.

42. Alexis Jordan "Good Girl"

The moment Alexis Jordan truly arrived. Who knew she would be one of the freshest popstars of the year?

41. David Guetta featuring Flo Rida & Nicki Minaj "Where Them Girls At"

Even with Guetta and Flo Rida at their generic worst, Nicki Minaj classes up the joint with one of her most wicked verses ever. She's so good spitting out lyrics like, "No, no, I don't endorse that/Pause that, abort that!" she elevates the material surrounding her.

40-31

40. Wynter Gordon "Buy My Love"

Last year's "Believer" proved that Wynter had promise. And she makes good on that promise with this ode to becoming a kept woman.

39. Rebecca Black "Friday"

Somewhere in the past nine months this song went from a hilarious joke to heralding the arrival of the next big teen pop star. Whether you think it's a classic or a sign of the apocalypse, Rebecca carries this song with her infectious personality and the ability to sing the silliest lyrics alive ("Tomorrow is Saturday/And Sunday comes afterward") with a straight face.

38. Taio Cruz featuring Kylie Minogue "Higher"

This track is all about Kylie. She elevates this flaccid Taio solo into a sexy, sultry duet.

37. Frankmusik "The Fear Inside"

Vincent first attempt at a more commercial sound. It didn't exactly set the charts ablaze but it did solidify him in my mind as one of the few legitimately great male pop stars we have today.

36. Frankmusik & Colette Carr "No I.D."

In this age of guest rappers and female popstars belting choruses on rap songs, "No I.D." is one of the few legitimate duets around. Vincent & Colette's chemistry is blazing, turning this simple pop track into a repeat worthy jam.

35. Robyn "Call Your Girlfriend"

She still makes the best Dancing Through the Tears pop songs. And the video is to die for!

34. Joe McElderry "Someone Wake Me Up"

La Joe finally found success as Classic Joe this year. An unfortunate situation, it would appear, as this means that Popstar Joe is more or less on permanent hiatus. How sad. Who in the fuck actually prefers him doing opera shit over stuff like "Someone Wake Me Up"?

33. Agnes "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"

Agnes, of the Carlsson variety, thankfully returned to the music world with this in-your-face jam. That opening riff is legendary in its own right.

32. Rhianna featuring Calvin Harris "We Found Love"

I originally fell in love with this song because it showed off Rihanna in a subtly different light, pushing herself away from the hard edge of the Rated R era and the Back to Commercial-ness of the Loud era to something far more DJ/rave friendly. But I stayed interested in this song was because hidden under the insane Harris production, there's a tender, almost mournful love story about falling out of love.

31. Florence + The Machine "Shake It Out"

Florence is an artist I tend to admire more than I actually like, but there's something honest and ever-so-gripping about this power ballad.

30-21

30. Alexandra Stan "Mr. Saxobeat"

It's exactly the type of Eurotrash pop song most people who know nothing about European pop music assume all European pop music is...yet I can't help but be infatuated with "Saxobeat" for the very same reasons it's hated.

29. Katy Perry "E.T."

Outside of the album track "Circle the Drain," this is by far Katy Perry's most adult track. And the fact that she picked it as a single at all over the pandering "Peacock" is further proof of her maturity as both an artist and an icon.

28. Dev "In the Dark"

Dev's limited vocal range works far better in this sexy track than in "Bass Down Low" or in any of her umpteen featuring credits during the year.

27. Foster the People "Pumped Up Kicks"

Have we come across a unicorn with Foster the People: an act both the indie kids and the pop lovers can agree on? I couldn't begin to tell you what this song is about, and it's low key nature would normally annoy the hell out of me, but, like most of what Foster the People does, it just works. Sometimes you just can't explain it.

26. Take That "Love Love"

Who knew that in 2011 not only would I care about Take That post-"Back For Good" but I would also actually really love one of their new songs? The world is tricky like that sometimes.

25. Jessie J "Do It Like a Dude"

Forget about the annoying, wailing twat she has become. For a brief second, Jessie J looked the toughest pop star to come along in ages with this hard-as-nails anthem.

24. Ola "All Over the World"

This Swedish import was released in Ola's homeland back in 2010 but made it's way to the UK this year. It's three and a half minutes of pure, unadulterated joy, aka everything a pop song of this nature should be.

23. Britney Spears "Till The World Ends"

If the upcoming apocalypse in December 2012 is anywhere near as amazing as this song, the world will be ending on a high note.

22. Christina Perri "Jar of Hearts"

One of those tragic, old fashioned ballads that come along every few years and knocks the socks off everyone. Perri's version will no doubt become the standard, but "Jar of Hearts" is so brilliantly written nearly anyone can sing it and sound like they are a legend.

21. The Wanted "Glad You Came"

Every bit as poised as "California Gurls" to be an Easy Summertime Anthem but with a wicked, deviant sense of humor and clever wordplay (thanks in part to co-writer Ed Drewett).

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Jesse Eisenberg

2011-12-20T17:02:00.037-05:00

To celebrate Hanukkah and my love of Jewish men, I thought it would be fun to bring you a sexy Jew every night at sundown in honor of each day of Hanukkah. A big thank you goes out to Fuck Yeah, Jewish Men for bringing some men to my attention who I had no idea were Jewish. For this first night of the "Festival of Lights," I chose perhaps the most notorious young Jew in Hollywood: Jesse Eisenberg. Although not traditionally good looking, there's a lot to be said about his quick wit and charming personality (not to mention his bromance with Andy Garfield). We love him in these parts and wouldn't mind if he took a chance on this Gentile right here. Mazel tov!

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #87 Tyson Beckford

2011-12-18T07:34:00.000-05:00

87. Tyson Beckford

Occupation: Model

Nationality: American

Age: 41

Best Known For: Being one of the best known male supermodels in the world and, for a select group of people, hosting the short lived Bravo series Make Me a Supermodel.

Joining me for this entry is my favorite--and hopefully yours as well--green-haired, illegal immigrant from Mexico, Pablo (follow him on Twitter here). He really came through for me, so much love to him. Have fun reading this adorably schizo entry!

Dame James: When did you first encounter Tyson and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Pablo: I probably saw him first in a fashion editorial in some magazine, but the first time I really payed attention to him was in the flaw free video of "Toxic", and, yes, he was smoking for being a chocolate man. I could just imagine myself at the back of his bike, rubbing his arms, me rocking, of course, a red wig and leather pants.

DJ: Maybe it's because I only saw the "Toxic" video a couple times when the song was current, but it wasn't until I saw the video again that I realized he was in it. Usually, Britney's typical guy has long, greasy hair and looks like your typical country bumpkin (see also: both ex-Mr. Britneys). It's a nice change of pace to see him in her video, especially on a motorcycle. I would not mind for a moment trading places with Britney.

I know I first must have seen him in some random fashion editorial as well, but I would be unable to pinpoint it specifically. The first time I ever remember being attracted to him, though, was on this America's Next Top Model rip-off called Make Me a Supermodel. He was the Tyra Banks to 14 or so aspiring male and female model. I know the show was about the models--and some of those men were SMOKIN'--but, dayum, Tyson was always the hottest. His arms must be his trademark because they always look great busting out of the tight shirts he wears. Did you ever see the show or were you too busy trying to sneak into the country to watch TV?

P: I did watch Make Me a Supermodel, both seasons, and he was smoking there as well. No, I wasn't too busy trying to sneak into the country--I was already in. Obviously we don't get those kinda shows in Mexico. I like his arms, yes, and his pecs, and his abs. He has one of those bodies that you just wanna lick expecting for him to slowly melt in your mouth and have this delicious, savory chocolate taste.

DJ: Silly me for thinking Mexico would watch the American version of Make Me a Supermodel with all of those gringos. They'd have their own version and they would probably compete to star on a telenovella. He does have a very lickable body, doesn't he? Oddly enough, that would be my first instinct as well. Just a question, though: You do realize that just because he's black it doesn't mean he tastes like chocolate, right?

P: I know he is not gonna taste like chocolate, but I can dream. I know he will taste like caramel.

DJ: So, imagine Tyson and Tyra are going head to head on the runway. What do you think THAT would look like?

P: If Tyson and Tyra would go head to head in the runway...um. I've read that they are really good friends, and judging from last night's America's Next Top Model, I would say they are cause Tyra sucked on his thumb. That was disturbing. Although Tyson is a god, I would pick Tyra. As crazy as she is, she has a gorgeous face (minus the flat screen forehead) and I'm a sucker for women in fashion. But that runway would look like a chocolate fountain, fulled of muscles, boobs and Tyra's ego.

DJ: Tyra sucked on his thumb?! God, I love that crazy bitch. I'm also wildly envious of her. And I'd have to agree that Tyra would win. She would do whatever it takes to win. Then, when she did win, she wouldn't let Tyson forget it. Because Tyra knows that Tyra is the best.

P: Yes, they were making this movie editorial about her book "Modelland" and of course she was the main character named...wait for it, Tookie! She's this awkward wannabe model with one green eye and one brown eye who falls in love with this guy (played by Tyson) and since she is so awkward and unlucky in love, of course the first thing she does is suck on his thumb. Because you know everyone sucks a thumb on a first date.

I'd suck that thumb.

DJ: Oh Tyra. That's literally all I can say to that. (And I love how Tyra has even hijacked this conversation about Tyson!)

P: She's awful, right? Look at her getting into our conversations. That's the power of Tyra for you! But yes, Tyson is one sexy man, he really is. That smile he has and those little eyes, he is just a dreamy man. Like, he would make the perfect hot boyfriend that everyone's jealous of but your friends don't know why is he dating you.

DJ: I don't know about you, but he'd be dating me because I put out.

And what about you? Do you like to imagine Tyson tastes like chocolate?

10 Things I Hate About New Year's Eve

2011-12-11T23:16:00.002-05:00

I learned a lot about myself and life in general while watching New Year's Eve the other night. No, it was nothing in the movie that got me, even though it tried fucking hard to turn the holiday and the Ball Drop into a philosophical statement on life and beginnings and triumphing past adversity. Rather, I gleaned from the whole experience two important things. First, I need to start questioning my decision making skills now that I'm on a fixed income and don't have money to waste on absolute shit. Secondly, no matter how bad I make my life sound, it's still nowhere near as terrible as this film. New Year's Eve is an easy F, no bones about it, but let's countdown from 10 to 1 (Like on New Year's Eve...Get it? It's a very subtle metaphor for how the New Year holds all the promise for a fantastic year ahead!) the absolute worst things about this trash.

10. The Funniest Thing in the Movie Happens During the Credits

New Year's Eve was so lacking in actual jokes--Zefron & Sofia Vergara both wrung laughs out of their presence and way with words, not because of what was actually written--that the bloopers which accompanied the credits were actually funnier than anything in the movie. And it's pretty sad that Zefron dancing for a 90 seconds and a joke involving Jessica Biel giving birth to copies of Valentine's Day were the most memorable parts of the movie.

09. The Swankinator: Slaying Her Way to Oscar Glory Since 1999

Listen, I'll stan for the Swankinator and her shameless mugging for Oscar attention anytime, anywhere, but the girl cannot do comedy. She looks so bloody uncomfortable trying to be "loose" and "spontaneous". And I swear she was so rigid I thought at moments she was turning into Brandon Teena again. Plus, who else was looking forward to her hooking up Luda? Unlikeliest coupling in the history of couples? I think so!

08. Robert DeNiro: What a Debbie Downer

Not only was DeNiro saddled with the one depressing story line in the film, but the film cut to his story line at all of the most inappropriate places. Seriously, the film would go from a scene of Efron and Pfeiffer, being all charming and full of life, crossing off something on her Bucket List to DeNiro lying in his bed, hooked up to life support galore and decaying before our very eyes. I get that the screenwriter was trying to force some Really Important Topics into her fluffy screenplay, but cut to them at more appropriate times. It made DeNiro look like more of a buzzkill than he did in all of his Scorsese movies combined.

07. The Makeup

Abigail Breslin is a pretty girl, but she has an unusual face that could look almost alien without the proper attention. The makeup department's answer for this was to apparently slap a shit-ton of makeup and eyeliner on her so she looked like a small town transgendered teenage prostitute. And it's not like they were any nicer to the other ladies, most noticeably Katherine Heigl, who often looked like they had been Chris Browned right before the director started the scene.

06. The Slob & The Screeching Harpy

Would anyone seriously have minded if the elevator Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michele were trapped in had plummeted towards the Earth at 200 mph, spontaneously ignited in flames and burned them to a crisp before the metal in the elevator crushed their skeletons into a thousand pieces upon impact?

05. Forced Sentimentality

I understand that in a pure crowd pleaser such as New Year's Eve you need some kind of emotional pull to balance out the comedy; that's the nature of romantic comedies. But this film was really grasping at straws to pull any and all sentimentality out of whatever random situation the script found itself in. The entire movie, Josh Duhamel's character yammers about two things: this speech he has to make at a party and some girl he met the previous New Year's Eve that he may or may not meet again. We find out he's the heir to some record label empire and he's making the speech at the company's New Year's party. When he does give the speech, which he (of course) hasn't prepared for at all, he, for no reason other than to sneak a lot of sympathy, mentions his dead father and starts tearing up. The speech has absolutely nothing to do with his dad and is merely a SUBTLE cue for him to stop whoring it up with the sluts after him (who all seriously looked like 45-year-old Real Housewives) and go after the mystery girl. And then there's Halle Berry, whose mysterious New Year's date is a video chat with her soldier husband in Iraq. COME ON. Did we really need to throw in the war for more drama and conflict? Shameless, shameless, shameless (Although it did give me an opportunity to make a joke in the theatre. When the husband says, "I've only got a couple months left," I made the sound of a bomb exploding. Would you really put it past the makers of this film to have him die right before our very eyes? I mean, apparently the target audience is Nicholas Sparks fans, as evidenced by the two Sparks trailers before the movie).

04. Jon Bon Jovi? Is It 1988 Again?

When did Bon Jovi become relevant again? I have nothing against the man, and he's not any worse than any of the atrocious actors in this movie, but what? Can you talk about random, inappropriate casting? The dude is pushing 50, yet we're supposed to believe that not only 30-something Katherine Heigl is into him but also that he's this major rock star that teenage girls are willing to throw themselves at. On what planet is Bon Jovi as desirable as Justin Bieber to fifteen year old girls? Just because you fucked underage sluts in the 80's doesn't mean girls in 2011 know who the fuck you are, grandpa.

03. Do You Get The Theme?

New Year's Eve is a chance to reflect on the past year, the mistakes you've made, discern what you can improve on. It's also an opportunity to wish for the future, to hold out hope that the coming year will be your best ever and all your dreams will come true. In case you didn't get this from the opening voiceover (from either the Swankinator or Sarah Jessica Parker, I'm not sure), you will hear it repeated, ad nauseum, from a host of characters, old and young, important and tertiary. And then you'll hear the Swankinator repeat it in a press conference after a problem with the Ball is discovered, which leads me to...

02. The Fucking Ball

Why. The. Fuck. Was. Everyone. Going. On. And. On. About. That. Fucking. Ball? It's not a goddamn metaphor for anything, no matter how hard you try to make it one. And why the fuck is there a problem with it? Isn't it set up the same way every year? So much of the movie is consumed with the Ball and it's really a lot of pointless, wasted drama. Who gives a fuck?

01. The "Script"

Valentine's Day wasn't a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but it was passable entertainment and I found it quite amusing in parts. Both that film and New Year's Eve share the same writer, Katherine Fugate, but, in that year or so, it's as if she has lost any sense of comedy she may have once had. Like I said before, the film is literally devoid of jokes. Anything that's funny in the film is because of the actors and the actors alone. They get absolutely no help from any other source. I'm sure Valentine's Day wasn't the laugh riot I'm remembering it to be, and I'm sure it was just as unbearably saccharine sweet, but something was obviously distracting from its awfulness. And that something is nowhere to be found in the joyless, painful script for New Year's Eve. Look, I didn't expect the world from New Year's Eve, but when you aren't even at the same level as Valentine's Day, or Bride Wars for that matter, you know there's a problem.

Short Rants on Crazy, Stupid, Love

2011-12-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

Did Phyllida Lloyd secretly direct this movie? Not since Mamma Mia! have I been filled with such irrational, unexplainable hatred toward a star-studded, pure popcorn film. From the very first frame until the last, cringe-inducing second, Crazy, Stupid, Love manages to dumb down a stellar, intelligent cast with sitcom clichés and out-of-nowhere twists that even CBS would be embarrassed by, include a lazy happy ending which wraps up complicated interpersonal issues into a neat and tidy bow, and uphold prehistoric ideas about men and women's places in both society and relationships. This last point is what sent me over the edge. First of all, according to the film, the only way Steve Carell's character is able to recapture his manhood after his pending divorce is to follow the advice of Ryan Gosling, a well-dressed, impeccably groomed chauvinist who brags about tricking dumb women into wanting to have sex with him. The problem, however, is that we are supposed to respect Gosling's character as his tricks work for Carell and he becomes a close friend when everyone else has abandoned him to take his wife's side. This becomes a major problem later on in the film when SPOILER the girl Gosling has been serious about turns out to be Carell's daughter. So, he's a good enough guy to be your friend but now he's scum because he's dating your daughter, who, I must add, is now old enough to have passed her fucking BAR exam and become a lawyer. How utterly disgusting that even in 2011 we still have major plot points in major films--especially a comedy--where a father feels he has the right to decide whom his adult daughter may or may not date. But the gender politics in this film are merely the tip of the iceberg of what Crazy, Stupid, Love gets so completely wrong. Do we have time to cover the film's boneheaded attempts to validate the 13 year old son's "love" for his 17 year old babysitter (who is actually in love with Carell's character but let's not get into that)? Why on earth are we pretending that this 13 year old is any different than any other 13 year old boy who would stick it in the hole of anyone who gave them the slightest bit of attention? Because he's sensitive and intuitive, you say? Fuck that. He's an idiot, just as nearly everyone else in this movie is (Emma Stone remains unscathed by this hot mess). Love does indeed suck, but not nearly as much as this movie. F

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #88 Cam Gigandet

2011-12-02T16:20:00.001-05:00

88. Cam Gigandet

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: American

Age: 29

Best Known For: Terrorizing Benjamin McKenzie on The O.C. and getting naked with a box of cookies alongside Cher and Floptina in Burlesque.

...And the hot men train keeps on rolling with the help of my friend Mike (follow him on Twitter or read his blog) as we discuss the first O.C. alum on the list.

Dame James: When did you first encounter Cam and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Mike: The first time I saw Cam is probably the same for everyone, when he appeared on The O.C. as Kevin Volchok to fulfill the "Marissa's new dark and broody boyfriend" role, because Ryan was too busy sleeping with his adoptive mother's sister or whoever he was putting it in that season.

I don't think I paid too much attention to him at first, I was too busy planning my wedding to "perfect husband material" Seth/Adam Brody, but Cam did spend 90% of the time on The O.C. shirtless so I was definitely aware of how ridiculously attractive he was.

He was a complete dick on the show but he could make trailer sex with a talking twig look hot and his fight scenes with Benjamin McKenzie rivaled Brokeback Mountain for its latent gay tendencies.

Then after his role on The O.C. came to an end, it all went a bit quiet on the Cam-front until the equally homoerotic Never Back Down...

DJ: I pretty much have to agree on everything you said here. I was too busy focusing on Seth Cohen as well to notice Cam's Volchok on the first go-around. No doubt he was attractive but he was such a complete asshole to Ryan, whom I also loved. I was torn.

I don't think it was until Never Back Down that I really fell in love with Cam. He was also an asshole in that movie, but since I didn't care about any of the other characters, I relished him. He was charming and sweet, except for that scene where he beats up Sean Faris' scrawny friend. The best thing about that movie, though: his chest. And it makes quite a few appearances, thank the Lord Jesus.

You mentioned the homoeroticism that runs throughout his roles in The O.C. and Never Back Down and I think that's an interesting point to make. When you also think about his Burlesque performance (Floptina thinks he's gay for the longest time and the film is generally gay) and even Twilight, homoeroticism runs throughout his filmography. Why do you think that is, especially for someone who is such a commercial actor? Also, what do you think about him in Burlesque?

M: I hadn't actually thought about the fact that 90% of his roles have "the gay connection", maybe Cam is in fact *insert libellous claim here* a gay. Plus, he was in Easy A which will inevitably become the next Mean Girls in terms of quotability among the gays, and The Roommate, which I haven't had the pleasure of watching yet but looks ridiculously camp. I eventually will because of Leighton "Amazing" Meester but I wouldn't be too surprised if there was a homoerotic scene in The Roommate with Cam and Matt Lanter.

I thought Burlesque was amazing as a whole and will one day be recognised as the defining musical of the 21st Century. Cam was adequate enough in it, I don't think he's ever really considered for a film on the basis of his acting talents. The cookie box scene should have been enough to warrant an Oscar nomination though really.

DJ: I don't mean to imply that Cam's gay--the fact that he has a long-term girlfriend and a kid already implies otherwise usually--but I always find it interesting when younger actors tackle those kinds of movies and roles. He's clearly not in the same gay role league with Nicholas Hoult, who macked on dudes in TV, the stage and the movies (almost) just a couple years into his adult career., yet Cam's filmography is clearly veering towards the homoerotic. And if you're expecting The Roommate to be a campy gay classic, you'll be sadly disappointed. Leighton's amazingness is suppressed and Cam and Matt Lanter don't even share a scene together.

I hated Burlesque with every fiber of my being, but it was the first movie, I think, that showed off Cam's personality. He's always been a pretty face with impeccable abs but the acting has never matched. Then, suddenly, in Burlesque he was funny, charming, warm and interesting, words I had never used to describe him before. The cookie box scene was a delicious moment that cemented my love for him. It showed off all his best assets: his playfulness, his charm and, most of all, his abs. An Oscar nom may be a little much, but I'll be damned if I won't defend him every chance I can.

Any final thoughts on Cam?

M: Oh, I don't for one second think Cam is actually gay, it was just lots of wishful thinking/dreaming on my part. Speaking of his other half, how cute are all the photos of him and his daughter? Cam Gigandet, what a DILF.

Slightly upset that The Roommate isn't the campy gay classic it clearly started off as, and Cam and Matt aren't in a scene together (shirts optional) means it probably does deserve every piece of vitriol it got.

I think with all his backlog of homoerotic roles it'd be good to see Cam actually play gay for real this time. And have you seen the header photo from this website before? I think I have a new screensaver.

Hot damn, now that is a gorgeous header! What a way to make a first impression. Wouldn't you visit a site (repeatedly) that featured that image?

Crazy 80's Project: Hairspray

2011-11-29T20:53:00.001-05:00

As a big fan of director John Waters, the legendary Divine and the musical adaptation of the film, I'm really surprised it has taken me this long to see the original Hairspray. But I have now remedied this situation, and boy am I glad I did. The story is the same as in every other incarnation: plucky overweight teen Tracy Turnblad winds up on the popular teen dancing show The Corny Collins Show and finds herself fighting against segregation in 1960's Baltimore. Although far less crude than earlier Waters classics like Female Trouble and Pink Flamingos, Hairspray has its own peculiar charm which works in this family-friendly--at least for John Waters--film. It's easy to see why Hairspray was turned into a musical, as the original is already so dependent on its soundtrack of 60's hits to provide atmosphere. The film is so fun and bouncy you hardly notice Waters' racial commentary sneaking its way into the film, which was the 2007 version's only major flaw. There's one scene in particular where Tracy and Link are making out behind a building and they utter ridiculous, Waters-ian lines like, "Our souls are black, though our skin is white." Lines such as this give the Race Issue far more intrigue and depth than anything in the musical version. All in all, Hairspray is simply a gloriously fun time, and probably the only Divine film I'd let a child watch. B+

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #89 River Viiperi

2011-11-25T10:34:00.001-05:00

89. River Viiperi

Occupation: Model

Nationality: Spanish

Age: 20

Best Known For: Starring in ad campaigns for American Eagle and Calvin Klein while landing the covers of magazines such as Coitus and Guapo--all within a very short period of time.

For this installment of 100 Hot Men & a Dame, I have my good friend Kameron (follow him on Twitter and Tumblr) helping me out. Kameron and I met online a couple summers ago and, as we used to live in the same state, he's the only online friend I've made that I have met in real life. Our friendship appears to be based on disagreeing about everything, but, somehow, we have agreed on a few men on my list. So enjoy the first of a few conversations with him!

Dame James: When did you first encounter River and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Kameron: It was love at first drool. I was a Men's Underwear "expert" at Bloomingdale's and we began getting a new line of Calvin Klein's in called "CK One". They were cute, sexy, young, hip, all of that... but the best part was the sexy new adverts placed in my section. The posters made me want to umm... further my product knowledge *cough* and in doing so I stumbled across this:

First off, Yum. Secondly he is European and if you know me, you know I can't resist those Europeans. This fresh face Spanish beauty had me at "hola".

DJ: Sigh, and to think the hottest guys I see at work are the generic male models wearing Target clothing. If I got to look at River every day, I'd be a lot happier at work! It's easy to see why that advertisement deepened your love of him. That accent! Although, I always find it strange hearing models speak after focusing on their looks for so long. They never sound the way you'd think. Thankfully, in River's case, he sounds better than you'd expect.

I first noticed River sometime in early 2010. I had had a slight interest in male models for a time but River had something special beyond the requisite good looks. He could actually model! And he has a wonderful, unexpected range, quite the feat since most male models only have to look hot in skimpy underwear. Have you looked into his portfolio? Any favorite photos? I've always loved this one with the cat on his head.

K: I've never obsessed to the point were I looked up his entire portfolio but I have seen quite a lot of sexy pics on the Fuck Yeah Tumblr blog made in his honor. To have to choose just one photo is criminal but I am fond of this one:

And I'm also particularly fond of his photos were he shows... how do I put this classy like?... his man-hair patch above the goods.

DJ: Pubic hair. You can say it. Pubic hair.

K: The picture above is one of my faves cos it's his ecstasy pose

DJ: Do you like to imagine that's the face he makes when he orgasms?

K: ...Yes.

DJ: Not that you think of that often, obviously. You have a boyfriend and everything.

K: No...never. ;)

DJ: Question: Would your boyfriend, Uli, let you have a threesome with River?

K: God yes. He probably wouldn't think twice about it. Niether would I. You have to prepare yourself/your relationship for such situations, come up with a list of "couldn't say nos"

DJ: I'm glad you and Uli have made time to discuss such important issues in your relationship. And I'm glad he understands how important River is to you.

K: If he's isn't willing, he ain't marriage material.

And how about you? Does River not float your boat or would you like to ride the rough River all night long?

What I'm Thankful for This Turkey Day...

2011-11-24T09:26:00.002-05:00

I'm actually thankful for this whole movie, obviously, but this scene is perhaps (it changes daily) my favorite in the entire movie. I can't wait to try this out whenever someone accuses me of being drunk.

By the way, it should be noted that I am always thankful for this. But it never hurts to celebrate it whenever possible:

In Which I'm Now Forced to Hate Emma Stone

2011-11-21T14:03:00.000-05:00

I truly love Emma Stone, I really do. She won last year's Diva Cup Award for Best Actress, for goodness sake! But I love Andy more, arguably to the point of obsession, so that's why I must hate Emma now. Back off from my man, bitch!

But, goddamnit, these two are so cute together! Gah! So many conflicting feelings!

Bridesmaids: A Personal Essay

2011-11-20T14:54:00.000-05:00

Last June, one of my best friends from high school got married. When she had gotten engaged the year before, she asked me to be her "man" of honor, which I immediately accepted. By the time of her wedding (to, I should add, her first serious boyfriend, a great guy she had been with for over four years), she had just finished school and her student teaching and was on the verge of landing a full-time job at her husband's school doing exactly what she wanted to do. Meanwhile, her man of honor was finishing up his Master's degree, no job in sight, $50,000+ of student loan debt looming after graduation, working a minimum wage job in retail to make ends meet and not only no man in sight but no significant relationship ever. Now, I don't mean to make her life sound easy or that she had things handed to her because she worked damn hard to get where she's at. But, at that moment, her life lined up perfectly for her.

Around the time of this wedding hoopla, a little movie called Bridesmaids was released. Superficially, the film mimicked my life and, therefore, I found the film hilarious beyond belief. I wasn't sure the film would hold up, but in the months between the theatrical and DVD release, I found myself thinking fondly of certain scenes and cracking up with laughter (usually at work, completely out of context). So when the DVD came out, I rushed to buy my copy and immediately came home to watch it. Not only was Bridesmaids as funny as I remembered, but I discovered it also had a deeper, darker, more bitter core right underneath the raucous comedy. And it's this core which makes Bridesmaids relatable on so many levels, not only to myself but to so many others .

Is This Real Life?

When we meet Annie (Kristen Wiig), the maid of honor for her best friend since childhood Lillian's (Maya Rudolph) wedding, her life is in a state of chaos. The bakery that she opened a few years previously has gone under, completely wiping out her life savings. Her boyfriend left her soon after the business's collapse. She now lives with two horrible roommates in a crummy apartment. She works at a jewelry store, a job she was only able to get because her mother knows the owner. If her present is currently glum, her future isn't any better as Annie is stuck in a rut and has neither the ability or the strength to get out of it. "Maybe this your bottom," her mother (Jill Clayburgh), a non-alcoholic who regularly attends Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, thoughtfully suggests early in the movie. It's a lovely thought, but we all realize things will get much worse before they get any better.

So this is where Lillian's wedding becomes both a blessing and a curse for Annie. On one hand, planning showers and bachelorette parties are a welcome distraction from the drudgery of her everyday life. On the other hand, though, the wedding presents another problem for Annie's already burdensome life: Lillian's new friend and fellow bridesmaid Helen (Rose Byrne). Not only is she rich, classy, beautiful, a touch pretentious and snobby in the subtle way where she would never say anything mean directly to your face, but she is also blatantly trying to steal Lillian away from Annie. Or at least that's how Annie sees it after Helen gives a heartwarming, extremely personal speech about her friendship with Lillian at the engagement party. The moment soon devolves into a hilarious gag where Helen and Annie refuse to relinquish control of the mic and end up making asses out of themselves trying to "prove" to Lillian who cares about her more. The scene is one of the film's comedic centerpieces--I love when Wiig says a host of random words in Spanish in response to Helen's recitation of a Hindu quotation on friendship--but it also provides Bridesmaids with a portion of its bitter, true-to-life backbone: with the sudden emergence of Helen in Lillian's life, Annie is afraid Lillian is evolving beyond their friendship.

While Annie's life is in neutral, Lillian's life is changing quickly and for the better. The fact that Lillian has chosen a friend like Helen, someone Annie claims they would have made fun of in the past, scares Annie. If Lillian is now friends with someone like Helen, who is beautiful, classy and has her shit together, will she need Annie anymore? The fear of being replaced has crossed the mind of anyone who has found themselves slightly out of sync with their best friend from childhood. Bridesmaids' response to this, like many of its darker themes, is to laugh to keep from crying. Instead of moping, wallowing in self-pity or attacking the conflict head-on, Bridesmaids laughs at Annie's situation and her increasingly erratic reactions to it, in this case by setting up a rivalry between Annie and Helen for the imaginary status as Lillian's best friend. Instead of merely laughing off Annie's fears, though, Bridesmaids treats them respectfully, which is daring simply because of the fact her fears of seeing her best friend move on without her are more universal than most people care to admit.

The Perils of Being Single

If you have seen nearly any TV show with a female lead in the past 25 years, you will know that in the mind of most people there is nothing worse than being over thirty and single. Look at Dorothy Zbornak, Fran Fine, Liz Lemon, Christine Campbell and countless others if you don't believe me. Bridesmaids understands this stigma and addresses it in a bizarre yet ultimately hilarious way. As Lillian introduces Annie to her other bridesmaids at the engagement party, not one but two of the bridesmaids mistake random strangers who happen to be idling next to Annie as her boyfriend. It's as if the thought of someone Annie's age being alone is so unbearable they have to pair her off with anyone who comes along, even the odd, unlikely men who pause next to her. The fact that even Megan (Melissa McCarthy), a woman who is not exactly Emily Post herself when it comes to social norms and etiquette, comments on this shows just how ingrained in our heads this idea that women of a certain age should be paired up is.

But Annie isn't completely alone. She does have Ted (Jon Hamm), a narcissistic, immature jerk who uses Annie basically as a blowup doll with very little consideration for her feelings. Lillian knows he's a jerk, and so does Annie, but it's better to have a booty call every couple of weeks than be completely alone. And Bridesmaids completely understands the subtleties of realizing the guy you are with isn't right for you but not wanting to admit to yourself or anyone because, at certain times in your life, any attention from a male is positive attention. You make excuses for him, talk about how you're just having "fun", believe his intent to not become serious as perfectly acceptable. I know I have been there, a couple times, and it is a fuzzy area no other movie I can recall explores as succinctly as Bridesmaids does.

Officer Prince Charming

The introduction of Officer Rhodes (Chris O'Dowd) as Annie's love interest is both fascinating and refreshing for a number of reasons. First of all, O'Dowd's casting as Rhodes is a nice change of pace, as O'Dowd is hardly most people's idea of a matinee idol and the more conventionally handsome Jon Hamm is the asshole in the film. Secondly, the fact that Rhodes pulls over Annie because he thinks she's driving under the influence--which, sidenote, leads into perhaps my favorite sequence in the entire film: "If I was drunk, could I do this?"--is not the typical romantic comedy meet cute. There's no obvious sign that this guy is The One: he's just a nice guy who takes pity on Annie. Third, the progression of their relationship feels wholly organic to the film and resembles something out of real life rather than a stock romantic comedy. When they do meet up again after the night he pulls her over, whether they are eating carrots in the parking lot or grabbing a drink at the bar, their chemistry is palpable but never off-the-wall, only-in-the-movies electric like, for example, Damon & Blunt in this year's The Adjustment Bureau. They crack jokes, but they often feel like jokes real people would make in real life. O'Dowd & Wiig make their pairing realistic without moving into indie movie territory, funny without overdoing it and cute without pushing tweeness. It's a remarkable pairing, one that brings out the best in both actors and only serves the movie better. Without O'Dowd, would we work as hard to try to understand Annie's insecurities and fears? And without Bridesmaids, would we consider O'Dowd to be the Prince Charming he turns out to be by the final frames?

Bridesmaids is no doubt the funniest film of 2011, but, perhaps more importantly, it's also the film that captures my life as a post-graduate, stuck in a rut, trying to figure out what comes next. The film doesn't offer any hard and fast solutions for how Annie fixes her life, nor does its happy endinfeel completely out of place or undeserved. For these reasons, and many, many more, Bridesmaids will no doubt remain my favorite film of the year. And anyone who thinks my attachment to this film is hindering my ability to review this film impartially can go to hell. If we can't form unhealthy attachments to films, why in the hell are we reviewing films in the first place? Bridesmaids may not reach Malick-levels of Art, but nothing this year has moved me quite in the way Wiig and company have done with this film. Sometimes that's far more important in the long run.

Crazy 80s Project: The Shining

2011-11-17T13:01:00.001-05:00

I watched Stanley Kubrick's The Shining right before Halloween, hoping that it would both get me in the mood for the holiday but not freak me out too much. It turns out there was no reason to worry as The Shining is, for the most part, not a typical horror film. Instead of scary, the word I'd use to describe the film is unsettling. From scene to scene, you never quite know what to expect, whether Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson in Angry Jack mode) is going to be affectionate toward his wife (Shelley Duvall) and young son (Danny Lloyd) or completely fly off the deep end. Kubrick makes great use of the cold, isolated environment of the secluded luxury hotel Jack has been hired to look after in the resort's off-season. At once empty and claustrophobic, the hotel not only takes its toll on the characters but the audience as well, who quickly become intertwined with this polarizing environment. This sense on unease would be hard for most directors to keep up for a film half the length of The Shining, but you have to credit Kubrick, with the help of composers Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind's eerie score and John Alcott's fantastic cinematography (I absolutely love the repeated shots of the camera following the axe as Jack tries to break down a door with it), for making it work nearly the entire runtime of the film. The Shining is not a horror film in the traditional sense, yet the creepiness and feelings of dread it arouses stay with you long after the final credits have rolled. A-

Rants on J. Edgar

2011-11-13T22:11:00.001-05:00

It's an odd sensation, walking out of a Clint Eastwood film thinking, "God, that was a queer film." But I suppose anything is possible after the strange, constantly evolving career he has had. A film about J. Edgar Hoover (played here by Leonardo DiCaprio), the notorious director of the FBI who fought for decades cleaning up crime while wielding considerable influence to "keep tabs" anyone he considered a potential enemy of America, sounds right up Eastwood's alley, particularly with his recent trend of historical-minded film such as Flags of Our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima and Invictus. But when you throw screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, Oscar-winning writer of Van Sant's Milk, into the mix, things are bound to be shaken up. And boy are they ever, as J. Edgar, through its attempt to synthesize Eastwood's style with Black's queer theorizing, becomes something far more than its lousy trailer or a brief description of the film suggests.

Most of Eastwood's usual stylistic tics--muted color palette, heavy shadows, plinky piano score--appear in J. Edgar, but they take on a whole different meaning than they would in any other recent Eastwood picture. Black's screenplay covers a lot of issues and themes, but the one he is primarily focused on is the relationship between Hoover and his "number two man" Clyde Tolson (the dreamy Armie Hammer). The two were notoriously close, but it was only after their deaths that rumors started to swirl that they were lovers. No one knows the exact nature of their relationship, so Black is only able to speculate within J. Edgar, depicting Hoover and Tolson as would-be lovers whose sexuality is so repressed Ennis and Jack from Brokeback Mountain would find them odd. Eastwood's visual flourishes enforce this theme, shrouding Hoover and Tolson in shadows and darkness. Their environment is so dark and suffocating they can't express their true feelings for each other. Even in their final moments, when Clyde is led upstairs by Edgar's maid to see his dead body, Clyde grieving for the love of his life is shoved in the corner of the frame, hidden completely by a dressing screen.

Besides the sexuality of Hoover, J. Edgar also discusses the mythologizing of his legacy as the head of the FBI. Throughout the film, we are privy to scenes where Edgar recounts his life story to a slew of young writers compiling a history of the bureau. This is clearly where Eastwood and DiCaprio are the most comfortable exploring, and it's probably not a coincidence that this is what I was the least fascinated by in the film. Eastwood enjoys unraveling long-held myths, as Unforgiven proved so magnificently, but here it doesn't always work as well. Or maybe it works too well since Eastwood and Black seem positively riveted by Hoover as this monolithic figure, standing up for the America he believes it should be. They drink his Kool-Aid, so to speak, and barring one scene, they don't even begin to question his contradictions. This only makes his comeuppance at the very end that much more swift and tonally unexpected. DiCaprio certainly doesn't help in this regard, as he appears to be more interested in portraying the prestige of Hoover rather than any remotely human aspect of him. We can understand why someone in Edgar's position feels the need to make himself into a legend, but through DiCaprio, we don't understand why Edgar himself does it. Only when DiCaprio verges into the queerness of Black's script, such as the brief moment at a nightclub where he stammers in embarrassment when he is asked to dance by a woman, do we even start to see a real human instead of a ideological mouthpiece.

J. Edgar works best when it explores the queerness of Hoover's life. The way Black explores this reminded me, oddly enough, of Tom Kalin's Swoon. Not artistically or in the execution, mind you, but in the way Black twists rumors with facts to create a could-be version of what really happened. The two people who understand what Black is attempting better than anyone else are Hammer and Dame Judi Dench as Edgar's mother. Hammer plays Tolson like an unmistakable queen, the type of character you would read as gay in a 1950s film even if no one comes out and says it. From the way he gasps "No" when Edgar divulges a secret about Eleanor Roosevelt's personal life to the scene where he helps Edgar pick out a brand new suit and tie, Hammer certainly stands out amid the blandness of his surroundings. But it's an interesting way to play the character, especially one who is so completely repressed with his emotions as Clyde is. In a way, his queerness becomes an embarrassment to the straight-laced Edgar--it's not surprising that in an early scene depicting Edgar's later life we only see Clyde as a shadow hidden behind the door of Edgar's office, almost haunting him like a Ghost of Christmas Past.

Dench's entrance in J. Edgar provides one of the best and truest meetings between Eastwood's visual language and Black's themes. As Edgar enters his home, calling for his mother, we see Dench slowly emerge out of a shadow, in all of her Baby Jane glory, as Eastwood's plinking on the piano melodramatically underscores the danger that lies ahead for Edgar. It's a moment straight out of a Grand Dame Guignol film, which Dench brilliantly understands how to play without veering too far on the side of camp. Later on, when Dench's character is telling her son a story about a young homosexual who was tormented and then killed himself after his secret was discovered, she highlights the frightening coldness of the woman, even toward the son she has smothered with love for the last 90 or so minutes. She only has a few scenes, yet Dench brilliantly captures this woman's heart of darkness masked by motherly warmth.

J. Edgar is not a perfect film: the synthesizing of Eastwood, Black and the actors doesn't come together a good portion of the time and parts of the film are stuck in Biopic Cliché Hell. But this film has something to say, or at least presents certain viewpoints in ways that are fresh and intriguing. This isn't Clint in top form, but it sure as hell beats listening to Angelina Jolie scream, "I WANT MY SON!" for two and a half hours. B-

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #90 Alexander Skarsgard

2011-11-10T17:16:00.001-05:00

90. Alexander Skarsgard

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: Swedish

Age: 35

Best Known For: Playing a sexy vampire on True Blood. And, of course, starring in Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" video.

In this installment of 100 Hot Men a Dame, I've brought back my bestie Sammi to discuss this Swedish hunk of a man. If you watched our last video together, you know that we get sidetracked really easily so join us in our not-so-timely discussion of The Help and other various shenanigans, including our introduction of the Armie Hammer Theory. (And, once again, I realize the sound is a tad wonky. I promise for our next videos we will get all technical issues sorted out, but, for now, headphones should make it all better).

So is Alexander Skarsgard the one and only vampire in your eye or does he not even rate among the many others? Also, does the Armie Hammer Theory exist or is it just a lovely thought?

Yeah, and The Kardashians Are the Assholes

2011-11-10T00:43:00.000-05:00

I've never had a problem with the Kardashians. They have been called famewhores for years now, which they most certainly are. But I don't think the Kardashians would ever deny that fact, and that is precisely why I admire them. People hate them because they are famous for doing nothing; I admire them because they have conned millions of Americans into caring about them and their ridiculous lives to the tune of millions of dollars a year. I'm sorry, but I'd rather have Kris Jenner running this country than any idiotic GOP candidate currently gunning for the presidency. You know she'd turn this country around and make us profitable within a year.

So, no, I don't have a problem with the Kardashians and their ridiculousness. Let 'em be. They're not hurting anyone. The type of famewhores I do have a problem with, though, are the ones who aren't self-aware enough to realize they are famewhores. There are plenty of people in the Land of Reality TV who fall into this category, but none are more oblivious (or relevant) as the Duggars, the stars of TLC's reality show 19 Kids & Counting. Well, now we can make that 20 Kids & Counting as the family announced on Tuesday that mom Michelle is pregnant with her twentieth child.

I've always thought the Duggars were horrible people, even in the days when they "only" had 16 and 17 children. I come from a two-child family, so I must admit that the dynamics of large families are largely foreign to me, but I don't believe it's right, especially in 2011, for a family to have that many children. I don't care how loudly these parents protest that they love all their children equally and spend equal amounts of time with them: when you have 20 kids, there is absolutely no way in hell you can be a good parent to that many children at the same time. There will always be something lacking, no matter how hard you try to make things right. I would even qualify it as a form of child abuse. Those kids are going to be so fucked up and starved for attention it's not even funny. And can you blame them? Competing with twenty other kids for just a fraction of attention from your parents will most certainly take its toll on you. This sort of "farm breeding" the Duggars employ is both sickening and damaging to these children.

Mostly, however, I think the Duggars are selfish bastards. Their last child was born prematurely, spent months in the hospital and for awhile looked like it wasn't going to survive. To most people, this would be a wake-up call that maybe it's time to count your blessings and stop having so many goddamn babies. But, oh no! Heaven forbid we should mess up "God's plan" and go on birth control. We need to pop out another child because we have nothing else going for us except for our extremely fertile sperm and eggs. These assholes can go on and on about "God's plan" and how they are not in it for the money and fame, but let's be honest for one second here. They have grown accustomed to the infamy and the money TLC throws at them to chronicle their massive brood's every move. How in the hell else can they afford to take care of 20 children?! They admit that they are fundamental Christians and that's fine. Far be it from me to tell you how to raise your bratty children. But when you hide behind these "values" as an excuse to pop out more children for the cameras, that's where I draw the line. The Duggars are total hypocrites and frauds, and it's time to call these famewhores out on what they really are.

The Kardashians are not exactly beacons of society, but they are not harming anything or anyone--besides, possibly, the moral fabric of our society--in their exploits. Yeah, yeah, Kim's 72-day marriage is a slap in the face to gay marriage. But you can't exactly blame all of that on Kim, can you? The Duggars, on the other hand, are harming real people in the present, yet we pretend like they are this adorable family who are just good ole Christians making a simple TV show. Get your heads out of your asses, people, and wake up. The Duggars are awful people and a far more immediate threat than any of the Kardashian clan.

This is Not a Shameless Excuse to Post Pictures of Sebastian Stan

2011-11-09T00:42:00.000-05:00

...Okay, that was a complete lie. If anything, this is post is a shameless excuse to post pictures of Sebastian Stan. But what in the hell else am I supposed to talk about in The Covenant, the 2006 precursor in many ways to Twilight and the film that put Stan, fellow Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford and Taylor Kitsch on the map? The Covenant is, without a doubt, a terrible movie, but you don't need me to tell you that. The only reason I watched the damned thing was because of its reputation as a homoerotic film and, aside from a couple of looks between Stan and lead Steven Strait, it even failed in that respect! As bad films go, however, you could do far worse than The Covenant. It's not good, but it is watchable and entertaining in its own way, which is perhaps the most important quality a film like this can have.

But the real story here is Sebastian Stan. He's actually quite fun in The Covenant, which surprised me because I never thought much of him as an actor until Kings. At first, it appears like Stan is the nice guy and you think, "Wow, this is a nice change of pace for Sebastian!" But then the plot twists and we realize that he's not as good as he once appeared and it's all "Oh, now this is the Sebastian Stan we know and love." And his completely mental monologues at the end of the film prove that he's a prime candidate to be the killer in the next Scream movie just so he can deliver said psychotic monologue. But you're not here for a critique of his performance. You want to see the goods. And boy does Sebastian have them! I couldn't remember seeing him shirtless before this movie--I think there may have been an episode of Gossip Girl that involved him taking it off--so I was very excited for these scenes.

He's so pretty it's almost criminal. Let's lock him up (in my basement).

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #91 David Henrie

2011-11-07T23:09:00.002-05:00

91. David Henrie

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: American

Age: 22

Best Known For: Playing the nerdy (yet still smoking hot) older brother to Selena Gomez on Disney's best sitcom Wizards of Waverly Place.

To help me discuss this teenage idol transitioning into adulthood, I have my good friend and birthday twin--we were born on the exact same day!--Will (you can follow him on Twitter here) here with me. I hope you have fun reading this post!

Dame James: When did you first encounter David and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Will: I love that the first entry that I'm going to be featured on is also the one that's going to make me feel the creepiest.

I'm trying to remember how I possibly could have started watching Wizards of Waverly Place. I really can't remember specifically, but I started watching it at some point when I was in college with a friend of mine. There may or may not have been a Saturday afternoon in which we rushed over to another friend's house to watch the Wizards of Waverly Place movie.

And by may or may not have been, I mean there absolutely was.

Once I discovered that the show was streaming on Netflix, it was pretty much over for me. I spent a lot of nights eating goldfish and watching it after coming home from a night out.

I feel like some of the first episodes I watched were a little ... early in the show's run, so he was a little young for me to (comfortably admit) to ogling ... but he's definitely grown UP, hasn't he?

My desire to ogle him has developed over time and crept up on me. It still feels a tad creepy to say, but what are you gonna do? Maybe inside every homosexual, there's a 13-year old fan girl.

DJ: I think my first encounter with David was on a whim as well, but I'll never ever forget it. I was sitting in my dorm room, bored on a Friday afternoon, when I happened to flip past Disney. With nothing better on, I left it and Wizards of Waverly Place was on. Not just any episode, oh no, it was the one where David's Justin Russo starts playing baseball to impress a girl. I'm sure you are aware I have a "thing" for guys in baseball uniforms so this was an immediate attention grabber. It was until much later that I truly fell in love with him and the show, but I can definitely say this was a fantastic introduction.

I didn't watch the show, much less think about it, for months until I happened to hear that they were doing a silent movie parody and that David would be dressing up as Charlie Chaplin. As a huge Chaplin fan, I knew I had to check this out. Like you, I discovered it was streaming on Netflix and, coming after my devouring of Sonny With a Chance and JONAS (back when it was actually a comedy), I was a goner. This episode, in particular, really turned me on to both the show and David. I've seen it at least three times and the silent movie section only looks better with each viewing. And who knew that this Disney actor could do such a fantastic Chaplin imitation?! From the nose twitching to the dead eyes, David really did justice to such an inimitable icon. It's the moment I truly fell for him, which I think is saying a lot because he has only proven himself to be a more diverse comedian (and hotter guy) as the show goes on.

I must say I'm a bit confused about why you feel creepy talking about David. He's only a year younger than us, so by the time you started watching him, he had to have been 18. Is it simply the Disney stigma, which forbids you to feel any sexual desire for any of its stars (unless it will help them make more money and only if they apologize and cite ignorance whenever a controversy erupts--hey Miley!)? Or is it because we've seen him grow up from a teen twink to a very mature young man right before our very eyes? I can understand that moreso, as it's in that same category of unspeakable sexual desire as watching a friend you've known since childhood mature into an adult. But a) I've never really seen David as a "Disney star" in the same way Miley, Selena, Demi & the Jonases were/are. He has always been the rare Disney actor who was never pushed to be a mega heartthrob teen idol. If anything, David has kind of been left alone to develop his craft and become a legit actor in his own right, which doesn't happen every day in the House of Mouse. And b) I could feel guilty/dirty but then I look at that bangin' hot body and I forget how to think.

Will: You have a thing for baseball uniforms?! You NEVER talk about it.

DJ: You're an asshole.

Will: I think the reason it feels creepy to talk about is that, like you said, the way the Disney machine has perfected the art of keeping their stars in a state of arrested adolescence through savvy media manipulation and careful control over their images. This has blown up in their face a few times (i.e. Miley, Demi, etc.), but they still do it ... mostly, I think, because it lets them sell 'sex' to its maturing audience while wearing a 'family friendly' badge. Parents will put their kids in front of it, but the Disney channel is definitely aiming to get their hooks into its audience by appealing to their growing libidos.

But all of this is really besides the point, isn't it? People aren't reading this for a treatise on the Disney channel star model. Let's talk about David Henrie's essential doability.

Do you remember when you first noticed that he was really filling out nicely? Because it sort of seemed like overnight he went from the goofball twink of the earlier episodes to jacked and practically busting out of his wardrobe. I'm wondering if it might not be one of these between seasons things that happens sometimes (see Hunter Parrish in Weeds ... no seriously, look at him). I fell out of watching Wizards of Waverly Place for a little while, and, when I watched some newer episodes, I definitely registered a difference.

There's an episode that involves the younger brother becoming a girl or something (?) that involves a karate class of some kind, and there's a slapsticky scene of the little girl totally kicking his ass and he's wearing clingy shirt and rolling around on a mat and crawling and jumping around so you get little flashes of his stomach and his hips...well, it was not what I had remembered from the show.

DJ: You make a great point about David going from twink to buffed out hottie overnight. At the mercy of whatever Disney decided to air, I watched most of the episodes completely out of order, so I never got that sense of "Holy fuck, when did this happen?!" But if you look back at earlier episodes, there is an extremely noticeable difference. For the better, I must add. He was always a cutie, but when his body filled out, he became almost unbelievably attractive. Similar to what happened with Hunter Parrish, now that you mention it.

Justin & Zeke: A Lovers Quarrel?

One of my running jokes while watching the first couple seasons of Wizards was that David's character Justin was a homosexual in love with his equally gay "best friend" Zeke. We all know Disney would never deliberately write a gay character in one of its shows, but making fun of all the effeminate things he did was part of the reason I fell in love with him. Do you think David deliberately played Justin as gay or, as a gay man, am I just accustomed to reading between the lines far too much to find gay characters wherever I can? I can see me making this all up in my head, but in the first few seasons there is at least one moment in every episode that deserves a #JustinRussoIsAMo hashtag. I think there are far too many instances for me to be overreacting.

Will: I think you're probably reading way too much into it, but I've noticed that's an epidemic in the gay community. We're constantly starving for decent gay characters anywhere. So at the first sign of a theatrical hand motion or a character with a love of hair products, we get rainbows in our eyes and a million Tumblrs explode with GIFs and capital letters.

All of that being said, I'd be willing to bet my dibs on Charlie Day that you can find a slash fiction about Justin and Zeke on the Internet somewhere. I mean, there are apparently people writing slash fiction about one of the guys from Supernatural and HIS CAR, so...

DJ: One time, someone sent me a link to slash fiction featuring David, Nick Jonas, Sterling Knight & Gregg Sulkin, so, yeah, I'll believe that any sort of slash fiction imaginable exists.

Like I said, it's perfectly reasonable that I'm digging far too deep into Justin & Zeke. Lord knows I'm looking for gays everywhere and am usually pretty good at spotting them on TV before they get their big coming out moment. But it can't just be a coincidence that as soon as I started talking about this on Twitter they decided to hook up Zeke with Harper and tone down Justin's more feminine traits, hm?

Before we go, I just want to say one final thing about David's appearance on this list. While there's no doubt about the fact that he's a mega hottie, he didn't make it on here based solely on that. In the Disney stable, there is a line of charismatic hotties or hotties-in-training, including Sterling Knight (who is charismatic as hell but hasn't quite grown into his looks), David's Wizards co-stars Gregg Sulkin (bangin' body, not sure about his talent yet) and Jake T. Austin (underage, sadly), and Zeke & Luther star Hutch Dano (who has proven himself comedically but isn't one of my favorites yet). I obviously couldn't include all of them, so I chose David as a representative, a figurehead, if you will, for all of these guys. But don't take this as a slight against him! David, especially for his age, has the looks and the talent to make it on this list on his own. What do you think? Does David make your heart go boom-boom or is he just another forgettable Disney star?

Britney's Videography: "Everytime"

2011-10-31T14:24:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears "Everytime" # # # # #

How appropriate that we get to "Everytime," the scariest and most haunting video in Britney's entire videography, on Halloween. Instead of the typical horror fodder with murders, monsters and mayhem, however, "Everytime" is about the horror of celebrity. The video starts by following Britney on what I'm sure was a typical day for her in 2003: driving in her limo with her manager/lover (played by Stephen Dorff), being ignored while he's on an important "call", and accosted by overzealous fans, paparazzi and the vicious lies of the tabloids. What sets "Everytime" apart from "Lucky," another video about the insanity of Britney's life behind-the-scenes, is the violence and anger that accompanies Britney's encounters. Her fans swarm her and her limo when she gets to her hotel, making it nearly impossible to even open her door, let alone get up to her room. And, this time, the fans very nearly attack her, grabbing and pulling at her so they can have their own piece of her. Her lover is angered by the constant attention, lashing back at the paparazzi and sending a display of tabloid magazines flying. He even lashes out at Britney, as if it's all somehow her fault. The tension and anger sends Britney to the bathtub for a relaxing soak; she begins to bleed from her head and slides under the water. She begins a journey into the great white light, seeing herself carted off to the hospital and failing to be resuscitated by doctors. This is where we see what is perhaps the scariest image in the entire video: as Britney is on the stretcher, unresponsive, being pushed into the ambulance, we see a fan holding up a magazine and a pen, hoping for an autograph. It begs the question, have people become so obsessed with the idea of celebrity that we have lost all traces of humanity?

I believe director Dave LaChapelle would agree. He shoots the video in slow motion, while the ethereal "Everytime", with its own hauntingly beautiful piano melody, plays in the background. Its stark, jarring contrast to the horrific imagery we see only makes you more appalled at the state of celebrity today. And I think the film's final frames does more to drive home this point than anything. We see Britney emerge from the water and we quickly realize it was all a dream. She is laughing and happy, but why? Typically, I think people would assume it is because she's happy to be alive. But I think there is a darker answer: she's happy because she has seen her life without all the pressures and horrors of being a celebrity. She wants that life. People have often cited this as the video that predicted her pre-Blackout downward spiral. "Everytime" makes that part of her life scarier by showing us just how close we were to losing her.

Wanted: A Wand Erection

2011-10-29T15:43:00.000-04:00

No need to check your calendar. It's not 1999. Boybands are a "thing" again in the UK and they are beginning to make their way across the Atlantic. While we've had various domestic boybands come and go in the years since NSYNC and BSB ruled the planet, barely making a dent on the music industry, there are two British boybands, One Direction and The Wanted, whom I believe you'll be hearing more about in the coming months.

Left to right: Harry, Liam, Louis, Zayn, Niall

Do you ever wonder how Nicole Scherzinger landed her current job as a judge on X-Factor US despite her solo career tanking stateside? The main reason we are forced to endure her is because during a stint as a guest judge on last year's X-Factor UK, she had a rare moment of genius: take five failed solo contestants, form a group and enter them in that category. Her hunch payed off as the group, now known as One Direction (or if you prefer their rather affectionate nickname Wand Erection), went on to finish third in the competition, winning the hearts of many a teenage girl in the process. As with any singing competition contestant, it wasn't clear just how well their success on the show would translate into record sales, but so far I'd say it was going well. Their first single, "What Makes You Beautiful," smashed pre-order records and easily debuted at #1 on the UK chart.

Where One Direction deviates from the typical Boyband Formula is the fact that they are all young. And when I say young, I mean barely legal: the oldest, Louis, turns 20 in December. Could you have conceived such a thing back in 2001? I mean, the formula has always been one young guy to be The Heartthrob and appeal to the 13 year old girls with the rest being slightly older. But One Direction is truly a sign of the times in this Bieberization of the music industry. Not that this is a slight against them, mind you. For a young band aimed at young girls, One Direction is surprisingly beloved by people of all ages (including myself, obviously). I think they are successful mainly because they are one the few boybands around these days who fully embraces being a boyband. One Direction isn't pretending to be anything than what they are: a good old-fashioned pop group. You have no idea how refreshing that is in today's climate when most pop artists are almost embarrassed to be labeled as such. This is part of the reason why "What Makes You Beautiful" is easily one of the best songs of the year. If you heard someone describe the song--a boy declaring his love for an insecure girl--it doesn't sound like much. But the song is so cleverly written (by one of the co-writers of "...Baby One More Time," in fact!) and sung with such joyful exuberance, it's hard not to fall head over heels for it, or One Direction, for that matter. Look at them. They're adorable! How can you not fall in love with this?

They coordinated their outfits, for God's sake!

I'm not sure what the future holds for One Direction--there are talks that Simon Cowell will have them perform on X-Factor US to begin their American invasion--but for now, I'm just enjoying the ride.

Left to right: Siva, Tom, Max, Jay, Nathan

In contrast to One Direction's youthful exuberance, The Wanted are their slightly darker older brother. Don't get me wrong, they are probably an even more conventional boyband than One Direction in terms of structure (The Heartthrob, The Leader, The Bad Boy, etc.) and their target audience is still primarily teenage girls, but for such a commercial band, their first singles were all about the pain of heartbreak and being alone. Quite a contrast from the peppy optimism of One Direction, don't you think?

Led by Max George, the Brian Littrell of the group and himself a former member of failed boyband Avenue, The Wanted hit it big last fall with their hit "All Time Low". I must admit, I wasn't a fan of them when they first arrived on the scene (I believe my exact words were "I would blow two of them but I wouldn't tell anyone about it."). But I slowly came around, primarily because of the third single from their self-titled album "Lose My Mind". Now, after the mega success of their Ed Drewett-penned singles "Glad You Came" and "Lightning" in the past six months, I am crazy in love with them. In fact, I've even upgraded their hotness: I would now have full-on sex with three of them (Max, Jay and Nathan) and tell everyone about it.

Let the prison rape fantasies begin.

Now that One Direction has entered the boyband game trying to corner the Youth market, I thought it was in The Wanted's interest to become a more mature, adult boyband and focus on older teens and young adults. Judging by their latest work, it sounds like they have listened to me. The masters of the Serious Face lightened up on "Glad You Came," one of the cheekiest, naughtiest, but not explicit, pop songs since Britney's early years. And "Lightning" is a pure sonic pleasure, miming the breathy sexiness of the beginning of Girls Aloud's "Biology" and the hard/soft sound of Britney's "Hold It Against Me"/"Til the World Ends". Not exactly bad for a group I had initially written off not long after their debut.

The Wanted's "All Time Low" has been available on American iTunes for a few months now and "Glad You Came" appears to be the single they are pushing over here in the States next. No word yet on whether or not they will be doing promotion over here, but I imagine as soon as their next album, Battleground, drops in the UK they will be ready to tackle America.

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #92 Tony Leung Chiu-wai

2011-10-27T18:53:00.002-04:00

92. Tony Leung Chiu-wai

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: Hong Kongese (?)

Age: 49

Best Known For: A wide variety of films in various genres with many of Asia's most prominent filmmakers, most famously (at least in the West) Wong Kar-wai.

Here today to lend a hand in this (long delayed) installment is JD from Valley Dreamin' (and from his Twitter). Enjoy!

Dame James: When did you first encounter Tony and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you first fall in love with him?

JD: My first taste was definitely Hero, which I somehow saw in theatres (it was my first non-English language film!). It laid the framework for my adoration but I was too young at the time. By the time I saw In the Mood for Love and 2046, though, I was old enough and it was like being hit with a dreamily melancholy, romantic shovel. Then Lust, Caution happened. Oh boy, Lust, Caution.

DJ: I had seen Hero (which I ALWAYS mix up with House of Flying Daggers) and In the Mood for Love in high school, Lust, Caution early in college. But it wasn't until watching Chungking Express a couple years ago that I fell in love with him. Suddenly, I was hit by a dreamily melancholy, romantic shovel, as you so eloquently put it. In what has become a recurring theme already in this series, I have a thing for melancholic characters who are trapped in a "funk" and need to be brought out of it. The fact that I want to be the Faye Wong character who does cutesy/stalkerish things to help him get over his romantic heartbreak, all to the tunes of "California Dreamin'" and "Dreams", is shocking in and of itself because we all know I'm extremely lazy when it comes to romantic stuff. But Tony is just so adorable, having a conversation with his bar of soap.

Three questions:
1. Tony Leung is nearly 50 (FIFTY!) and looks almost exactly the same as he did 20 years ago. God bless those Asian genes! Is this racist?

2. Happy Together. Just how much did you want to kill Tony's awful gay lover in that movie? Like, how did someone as amazing as him ever get stuck with such a lowlife?

3. I cannot, for the life of me, remember much about Lust, Caution. Did Tony go full frontal?

JD: I was waiting for you to bring up Chungking. <3 You're absolutely right, and it's my greatest moment with him, as well. He's so perfect in it; his demeanor, his charm, his talking-to-inanimate-objects-in-his-underwear thing. And Faye Wong is ALSo perfect, and they just make each other more and more perfect, and GOD I LOVE THAT MOVIE. I just watched it a couple weeks ago on a whim, actually. Such a sweet, dreamy pick-me-up.

1. LOL, I don't know. But that is the fucking truth. I think he's just Dorian Gray-like. He's still in such great shape, too. It's gratuitous.

2. I KNOW. It's such a depressing film, but it rings so true - people suck, and sometimes the best are weighed down by the worst. (Also, Tony is clearly at his best with Wong Kar-Wai, isn't he?)

3. Not fully, but you COULD plainly see his dick going in and out of Tang Wei! It's probably still the most outlandishly frequent, rough sex I've ever seen in a film. (15 year old me appreciated it though).

DJ: I'm actually surprised you didn't bring up Chungking yourself but maybe you were feeling generous that I'm not great with Asian cinema and you've seen so much more than I have. Either way, I'm glad we are both fully on board the Appreciation Train for him in that movie. I loved him the first time I saw it, but I don't think it was until the second go-around that I truly fell in love with him. Then again, everything about the second half of that film is perfect. <3 indeed.

I haven't seen a lot of the Leung/Kar-wai films in ages so they are a bit fuzzy in my memory (and I'm still missing out on Ashes of Time, 2046 and probably something else I'm not thinking of right now), but I do think they work well together. And they are in such different styles and moods--although it could be argued that Wong Kar-wai IS his own style and mood--that you have to respect Tony's adaptability. He's probably one of the most respected Asian actors in the world, but it still doesn't feel like he gets enough respect, especially compared to European stars who have gone international. Either way, Tony's still one of the best, and most desirable, actors in the world.

Confession: Tony Leung is the only Asian person to appear on my list. I tried to be inclusive of all nationalities and races but 90% of my list is still white Americans/Europeans. I do find some Asian men in addition to Tony attractive--Rain, for example, and the guy who starred with Seth Rogen in The Green Hornet--but generally they do nothing for me. I know I can't be attracted to EVERYONE, but damn, I feel terrible about it.

Crazy 80's Project: Clue and WarGames

2011-10-25T15:48:00.001-04:00

When the news a few years ago broke that Hasbro was planning on turning some of its board games into movies, many people moaned and groaned about Hollywood's lack of originality. But just like with any adaptation of any material, it comes down to the screenplay and the direction the writers and the director take the material (I, for one, have always maintained that CandyLand would make a fantastic film--provided Tim Burton doesn't get his hands on it, that is). Clue is an obvious example of this. Utilizing the structure of the board game while simultaneously making fun of it and the mystery genre as a whole, Clue has a point of view all its own, which is why it has become such a cult film all these years later. The main selling point of Clue, however, is its stellar comedic cast. The legendary Madeline Kahn and Lesley Ann Warren are obvious highlights, but Best in Show honors go to Eileen Brennan as Mrs. Peacock. From her feathery hat, her cat eye glasses, her befuddled delivery and her generalized confusion, she understands and nails the character beyond what the script asks of her. But the entire cast is superb and together they form one of the funniest, most "in sync" ensembles ever assembled. B+

For a film about a couple of teens who inadvertently start and stop a nuclear war between the US and the USSR, WarGames is surprisingly more serious than its adolescent premise sounds. In fact, the film received Oscar nominations in major categories for Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Cinematography (alongside the legendary Sven Nykvist!), which shows that even Oscar considered WarGames to be a good more adult than I originally considered when I put it on my list. The film is a little naive (Really, that's all it takes to hack into the government's computer that controls their nukes?) and there is no real sense of End of the World Terror that many of the best nuclear holocaust movies elicit. But WarGames is a genuinely good thriller, fast-paced, exciting and free from the extraneous fluff that often slows down blockbuster thrillers. Matthew Broderick is the film's star, but I believe that co-star Ally Sheedy, as his friend/love interest, stole the entire show. Whereas Broderick relies on the smarminess and sarcasm that worked so well a few years later in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sheedy has a glowing presence about her, an attractiveness of the spirit that instantly endears her to the camera. And it's a complete 180 from The Breakfast Club a couple of years later, where she defined the odd, antisocial outcast. Granted, WarGames doesn't give her character much to do besides chase Broderick around. She's still, however, a lovely, engaging presence that only makes WarGames stronger. B-

Rants on Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family

2011-10-23T17:05:00.000-04:00

Beneath the colorfulness and loudness of the comedy in the films of Tyler Perry's oeuvre lies a dark, almost twisted and perverse core, often times in the form of a secret or a past trauma which has stunted characters' personal and spiritual growth for years. Sometimes, such as in Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea's Family Reunion, this darkness is merely a distraction between the scenes featuring Perry's most infamous and indelible creation, Mabel "Madea" Simmons; in I Can Do Bad All By Myself and Madea Goes to Jail, on the other hand, the contrast between Madea's comedy and the big, emotional storyline makes each film feel fuller than if it was reliant on one more than the other. Madea's Big Happy Family, unfortunately, falls within the first category, mainly because the story's Oh Shit moment is barely explored after its surprise revelation. The problem with this film is that its spoken dark core is merely a hollow shell for an even darker, more horrific core straight from the deepest wells of Perry's subconscious. In its own twisted way, Madea's Big Happy Family is Tyler Perry's version of Lars von Trier's ugly, disturbingly misogynistic Antichrist. Don't get me wrong, you won't see any clits being hacked off with a pair of rusty scissors. What you do see, however, is three grown men with their balls figuratively cut off by scheming, shrewish, all-around nasty wives, girlfriends and baby mamas.

Tyler Perry is known for writing complex female characters--and if you don't believe me, check out For Colored Girls--so it was quite a shock when we are introduced to the women in this big, happy family. Loretta Devine plays Shirley, the matriarch of this family who has just discovered that she her cancer has returned and will ultimately prove fatal this time. She wants to gather her family to break the news to them at the same time, which proves to be easier said than done. We are first introduced to her youngest son Byron, a former drug dealer trying to put his life back together. While barely making enough to cover his child support, he's juggling two women who are, almost literally, sucking the life out of him. The first is his baby mama Sabrina, a classless, obnoxious harpy who speaks like every ghetto chick you've ever seen on Maury. She is trying to get more child support out of Byron, even though he knows she only spends it on herself. No one in the family can stomach her, but it's not as if Renee, Byron's current girlfriend who demands to be kept financially and is unwilling to help out with his child, is any more popular with them. We then meet Tammy, Shirley's youngest daughter. She and her husband, Harold, are raising two of the most obnoxious brats imaginable. Harold wants to discipline them, but Tammy won't let him. In fact, there are quite a lot of things Tammy won't let Harold do and he simply accepts this instead of putting up a fight. Finally, there is Kimberly. In the tradition of many of Perry's film, Kimberly is a young woman who is extremely well off financially but has forgotten her roots in the process of making money and moving up in the (unspoken but obvious) white world. She disrespects her mother and every other member of her family, acting extremely bitchy whenever she has to be around them, which is rare as it is. Even with her husband, she acts as it's a big inconvenience to be in the same room with him. As Perry introduces these horrible women, one by one, I couldn't help but hope that the next problem character would be the male in the relationship. Not only does that seem fair, but normally Tyler Perry evens things out like that. His characters are mostly either Good or Evil but there's always a good balance between the sexes. Madea's Big Happy Family often times feels like the work of a man in a deep, Von Trierian depression who has no way of working through it than to take it out on his female characters. Unlike the actresses Von Trier normally casts, however, none of the ones in this film are good enough to become anything more than the awful one-note caricature Perry has written them as.

Normally, I don't think I would have had as big of a problem with these characters, but there were two things that completely rubbed me the wrong way about them. First of all, after the introduction of the women, Perry includes a scene that shows the three broken, emasculated men off by themselves complaining about the women in their lives. Instead of offering any insight into their relationships or even shift the blame completely from the women, the men are painted as saints who are completely faultless and doing the best they can in their situations. Not only does this lazily water down what could have become some interesting relationship dynamics to work with later in the film, but it also makes no sense within the context of the film. If they are such good men who can divorce themselves enough from their situations to see that there are major problems with their relationships, why do they remain in them? It's one thing if they are at fault at least part way, their women have been acting like this for only a short while and they are somehow caught in a bad romance, for lack of a better word. But these guys are damn near sanctified, so what keeps them in the relationship?

Secondly, the problems with the relationships are either never truly revealed or are resolved in such a pat, uncomplicated way they become nearly laughable. With Tammy and Harold, the specifics of their relationship was clearly an afterthought for Perry: when Harold asks Tammy what exactly is wrong with their marriage, her snippy answer is, essentially, if you don't know what the problem is, you're in bigger trouble than you thought. While this may be a suitable for a "real life" marriage, this answer does nothing to expand our knowledge and interest in their relationship. And if we don't give a shit about them, why should we care whether they work things out or not? They eventually do, unsurprisingly, thanks to some "sound" advice from Madea, which boils down to Harold acting like a man and taking control of the relationship. To further the misogyny, Harold merely raises his voice once and Tammy is all "Yes, master!" to his demands. Strong black woman, my ass.

The big revelation that is the center of Madea's Big Happy Family is very nearly a direct cause of the problems in Kimberly and her husbands relationship. But the problem here is that the problem is introduced so late into the film, and there are so many loose ends to tie up between then and the ending, there is no chance for any true catharsis. They have a moment together at the very end of the film, but it's a very generic "I love you and I promise everything will get better" moment rather than anything that actually deals with the issues on hand.

Not everything in Madea's Big Happy Family is as truly awful as I suggest above. The comedy moments with Madea, complete with her interpretation of the Bible verse "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so" and her "comfort" to Mr. Brown when he thinks he's dying of cancer, literally had me gasping for breath in ways that some of the other Madea films never did. For as strong as the comedy in Madea's Big Happy Family is, though, nothing can erase the horror of the central family. Mr. Perry, we all know you can do better. C-

In Which I Celebrate Zac Efron's 24th Birthday

2011-10-18T14:55:00.000-04:00

Zac's 23rd birthday came and went last year with nary a mention on this blog, so I felt I had to make it up to him on his 24th this year. Nothing will ever top my tribute to him on his 22nd birthday, but I wasn't going to just throw in the towel. Here are a few of my favorite Zefron GIFs, celebrating his beautiful face, his dorkiness, his gyrating hips and, most importantly, his oh-so-kissable lips. Happy birthday, Mr. Efron, you SEXY BEAST!

The Genericization of Cher Lloyd

2011-10-17T19:59:00.001-04:00

With no less than two acts on the current series of the X-Factor UK mining the same "great singer who can also rap" style, it's obvious that last year's fourth place finisher Cher Lloyd has left her mark on the competition. Not surprising given the amount of attention, both good and bad, she received during her tenure on the show. Where some people (such as myself) saw an original, a breath of fresh air, not only to the competition but also to the music industry as a whole, other saw Cher as a self-entitled little twat who didn't feel she deserved all the ego-boosting she was receiving. I understand why this perturbed some people, but I thought it only added to the allure of Cher. Here was this raging diva cunt who made a member of One Direction cry (I'm pretty sure it was Niall because, well, look at him) with her vicious temper and self-delusion. But then she opens her mouth to sing and not only does she have one of the most unique voices you've ever heard but she can also rap and break your heart when she wants to, at the same time even. Who cares if she's self-entitled? With that talent, she deserves to be. Cher's attitude may have killed her chances of coming in first on the X-Factor but she ultimately won the whole damn thing anyways.

But a funny thing happened on the way to Cher's inevitable stardom. In an attempt to broaden her appeal, it appears that her record label has genericized everything that made Cher unique in the first place. I thought her divisive first single "Swagger Jagger" was an interesting, if not quite cohesive, pop jam with a catchy hook and a killer post-chorus breakdown at the very end. The major problem with the song, however, was that despite its "Fuck the haters" theme, nothing about it felt truly like a Cher Lloyd song. Her newest single, "With Ur Love," suffers from the same problem except exacerbated tenfold. Everything about the whole campaign feels like it should belong to just about any generic young pop starlet out there rather than Cher Lloyd. The single cover shows Cher standing in front of a large, red cutout of a heart. At first, I thought its use was ironic, a cheeky comment on Cher's acidic personality and reputation. But the more I see of this campaign, the more I'm coming to the conclusion that it is merely a ridiculously simplistic attempt to turn Cher into a wholesome teenage pop star. Don't believe me? Watch the video:

The entire thing is a cutesy affair which shows Cher hanging with her girlfriends, in her bedroom and then walking down the street, warbling about her new love in the most plastic, non-interesting way. And then the balloons come. Yes, fucking balloons, like Cher has been transported into Up. I mean, what in the fuck is this shit? Is this the same woman who sang "No Diggity" one week and then "Stay" the very next? These awful attempts at making Cher more commercial may work in the short-run but it will ultimately kill any long-term interest we once had. Granted, I haven't heard the whole album, the wonderfully (and appropriately) titled Sticks & Stones yet, and maybe there are tracks that show off the Cher Lloyd we know and love best. But until I hear that for myself, I remain pessimistic about the whole thing.

Some Eye Candy for Your Saturday Evening

2011-10-15T14:41:00.002-04:00

I hope you've been enjoying my 100 Hot Men and a Dame series. If you are, it would be wonderful if you could spread the word (and the hot men) to everyone you know. Right now, I'm waiting on a couple of things for the next couple entries and then have a few ready to go after that, so in no time there will be lots more hotness to ogle over. In the mean time, here are a few new men (at least to my eyes) to tide you over until the next 100 Hot Men and a Dame entries.

First off, we have young British actor Douglas Booth. His most notable roles thusfar have been in two BBC productions: as Boy George in Worried About the Boy and as Christopher Isherwood's young lover in Christopher and His Kind. Douglas isn't a big name yet, but he has two big movies coming up that could propel him to stardom. He plays the romantic lead in Miley Cyrus's upcoming film LOL (way to pick 'em, gurl!) and, in perhaps the most promising prospect, as Romeo opposite Hailee Steinfeld's Juliet in the umpteenth adaptation of the Shakespeare play. What I love (and, admittedly, am a little bitter) about him is that he always looks so put together. His clothes are always impeccable; I can't think of another 19 year old who can wear a suit as well as he does. I feel like he's one of those guys who can roll out of bed, put on a pair of sweat pants and look like a model walking down the street. I'm so incredibly jealous of this guy, but then I look at his face and sigh at just how beautiful he is.

Model Leebo Freeman, with his piercings, tattoos, and platinum blond hair, is not my usual cup of tea. But he has such a distinctive look, which will no doubt help him with his modeling career, I can't help but be drawn to him. It certainly doesn't hurt that he has a banging body.

If you've been following my tweets about X-Factor US, you will probably notice that a majority of them are not about Simon, Paula or any of the contestants. Rather, they are about host Steve Jones and his unfathomable sexiness. Unlike the slimy and skeezy Ryan Seacrest, Steve appears to be an every day, down to earth kind of guy. The only thing not "every day" about him is his body. Goddamn! In order to one day get up and close and personal with Steve and his body, I've devised this scheme where I force my friend to try out for X-Factor. While they are on stage performing, I'm backstage with Steve going, "Oh, Steve, I'm so nervous for my friend!" He throws an arm around me to calm my fears. If my friend makes it through, I jump up and down and scream, "Oh, Steve, I'm so excited!" and he'll join me in a celebratory hug. If they don't make it through, I'll act melancholy and say, "Oh, Steve, how incredibly sad" and he'll give me a hug to lift my spirits. Every situation is a win win for me (and Steve as well, let's be honest).

I've never seen a Logan Lerman film, and that certainly won't be changing with the release of that awful looking Three Musketeers remake, but he's a cutie nonetheless. Logan isn't an out-of-this-world sex god like certain other actors his age--Taylor Lautner, for one. Instead, he's the cute, approachable boy in high school you could easily see yourself going out on a date with and having fun doing silly stuff like bowling or roller skating. Logan's brand of charm is quite rare, especially in Hollywood, and should be cherished whenever possible.

Britney's Videography: "Toxic"

2011-10-08T14:46:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears "Toxic" # # # # #

The first half of the music video for "Toxic", far and away the most widely beloved Britney single of the past decade, suggests that we are in for Britney's finest music video since "Oops!". The nude diamond bodysuit was, rightly so, as instantly iconic as the Red Leather Jumpsuit from "Oops!", but I find all these years later to be more fascinated by the opening blue flight attendant outfit. Maybe it's because the sequence is so thrilling and so Britney, spilling a drink a man's lap and then sexily mopping the mess up with a napkin, seducing a passenger in the bathroom. She's clearly having fun, while remaining cognizant of the mysterious, almost dark nature of the video. I love the quick reactions, particularly the one after she puts the blanket over the child and kisses him on the top of the head, which show that Britney both understood what the video was going for and how to convey that within her persona. Even beyond Britney's persona, there's a clear directorial eye guiding this video along. When Britney sings, "I'm dangerous," seventy-five percent of her face is covered by shadows, suggesting the darkness that lurks underneath her sexy demeanor. The airplane sequence is so good you can almost forgive how erratic and misguided the second half is, which sees Britney donning a red wig, riding a motorcycle with Tyson Beckford and acting like a super spy of sorts. My main problem with these scenes is the awful, vomit-inducing special effects. I understand that they were going for a certain look, probably that of an over-the-top Japanese anime, but it simply doesn't work in this video. I don't mean to say that everything in the final half doesn't work--if anything, most of the footage here is fine in and of itself. But its lack of focus is really glaring after so much of the first half works well.

Crazy 80's Project: Grave of the Fireflies

2011-10-07T13:35:00.000-04:00

What sets the Japanese anime film Grave of the Fireflies apart from so many other films about orphans surviving through and in the aftermath of war, particularly the films that flooded European cinema in the first few years after the end of World War II, is the lack of sentiment in Fireflies. Instead of hitting us over the head with adorable kids enduring hardships but somehow coming ahead at the very last moment, Fireflies eliminates any and all fluff, cutting straight to the core of the story. War is not easy, particularly for the children, but it's something they are forced to tackle head-on. The film begins with a massive bombing, destroying the city teenager Seita and his younger sister Setsuko live in with their mother. Seita and Setsuko make it to safety, but, unfortunately, their mother isn't so lucky. Seita finds her in a hospital, bandaged up from head to toe because of the massive burns all over her body, maggots and flies swarming the wounds. It's a horrifying scene, one I can barely imagine comprehending in real life. But the scene deliberately shows how director Isao Takahata is not going to deliberately shield these kids from the horrors of war.

But that's not to say that Grave of the Fireflies is all gloom-and-doom. What I admire most about the film, in fact, is the way Seita tries to shield Setsuko from part of the madness going on around her, letting her have some semblance of a childhood. After their mother passes away and is thrown in a mass grave, Seita and Setsuko go to live with their aunt. She quickly grows bitter toward them, believing that Seita is lazy for not going to work and supporting both the household's income and the Empire. But, although this remains unspoken, Seita sees it as his job to protect Setsuko's childhood as much as he can. These moments lack the corniness and sugary sweet sentimentality that kills a similar plot in Life is Beautiful. Instead, they overflow with an exuberance and a joie de vivre that contrasts harshly, albeit fascinatingly, with the insanity going on around them.

It's hard to remain objective about a film that became such an emotional experience for me. I think many of you know I'm not a crier. I can literally count on my hands the number of times I've cried since high school. I've had people tell me that they can't even imagine me crying at all. But I was totally ugly crying through a good 25% of Grave of the Fireflies's run time. I had no idea that this film would be so emotional when I rented it, so I first assumed I was just hormonal or something. But then I spoke to other people online who reacted the same way, and I realized that it was Takahata's sparseness and simplicity that was the main reason for my extreme reaction. You got me this time, Isao. You really did. A

"She died as she lived: on all fours with three closeted actors staring at her butt."

2011-10-06T17:19:00.002-04:00

In case you haven't seen me stanning the fuck out over this in the past week, Melissa McCarthy was the guest host on Saturday Night Live last Saturday. And, in case you have been living under a rock, she was fucking incredible, my favorite host since Jesse Eisenberg. Whether she was "dancing" with her Bridesmaids co-star Kristen Wiig, taste testing new Hidden Valley ranch dressing flavors or fellating a horse balloon, Melissa was a laugh riot from the beginning until the very end. Can we just give her her deserved Guest Actor Emmy already, please? I've already watched the episode twice and still haven't deleted the episode off my TiVo. The only other SNL episode I kept after I watched it the first time was the legendary Betty White episode (and right now I'm having a flashback to Betty shouting "Wizard of ASS!") so that is high praise indeed. I loved every second of the episode, but my favorite sketch has to be this TCM parody where Melissa plays a Mae West-like character named Lulu Diamonds. Here is the sketch:

My favorite thing about this sketch, besides the way Melissa says "Cheese 'n crackers!", is the fact that the entire sketch revolves around her falling down the stairs multiple times. And, without fail, I fucking crack up Every. Damn. Time. True story: Sunday morning I was at work and happened to think of the moment where Melissa crawls up the banister and then falls down on the staircase, and I started laughing completely out of context while the customer I was helping was paying for their purchase. Kind of embarrassing. But I have no regrets. Between this and rediscovering her work in Bridesmaids, I am officially a stan for Melissa McCarthy.

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #93 Terence Stamp

2011-10-04T17:16:00.002-04:00

93. Terence Stamp

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: British

Peak of Hotness: The 60's

Best Known For: Notorious womanizer whose acting credits include such varied work as Billy Budd, The Collector, The Limey and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Joining me in this installment of the "100 Hot Men and a Dame" series is my friend Cal. He writes on the blog Ultimate Addict and you can follow him here on Twitter. Enjoy!

Dame James: When did you first encounter Terence and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Cal: As completely against my nature as this is, I’d have to say the moment in his career when he decided to put on a dress. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is one of Terence’s least fit performances but it was my first real introduction to him as an Actor, and the amount he manages to express about his character Bernadette's sexuality is pretty extraordinary. It’s also very cool how he was supposedly this playboy for a while but slipped into that aging diva persona like a total pro. Let’s face it: f there’s anything more sensually pleasing than a handsome bloke, it’s a bitchy old Queen.

DJ: I have never been attracted to a man in a drag, so I'm curious the check Priscilla out. Maybe Terence will be my first (it has been awhile since I could say that)?

How interesting that both of our moments were in such offbeat films/roles. I fell in love with Terence in The Collector, where he plays a quiet oddball who kidnaps a girl he's in love with and keeps her hostage in his basement. We all know I have a thing for emotionally damaged boys, so it was almost immediately a slam dunk. He's damaged beyond belief, almost beyond help, but you still want to try and make everything better. I think another part of what attracted me to Terence is the almost perverse sexuality of the film. Samantha Eggar, the woman he captures, straddles the line between falling in love with him to appease him and genuinely wanting to get it on with him. She goes in and out and it's easy to see why. Even if he held you against your will, wouldn't you be the slightest bit attracted to him?

C: Wasn't Terence the King of offbeat? I can't believe you haven't seen Priscilla. It's such a part of the homo iconography, and full of fabulous acting. I'm so not into drag either but as Justin Bieber sang (and hopefully never will again) "never say never." Doesn't it depend on who's wearing the dress?

The Collector is a strange one. One half of me thought it was all a bit silly and formal, and the other found it compelling and brave for the time. Terence is essentially asexual in that he's really pretty civil to his captive, and would rather call her out for being a devotee to culture. His character is horrible and sad but there's something about his eyes that continually draw me into his world, and you sense that he just wants to keep bright things in his life? Either way, he's very cute -- a cuteness kind of intensified by how awkward he acts around her and how well-meaning he is at times. But then the film is all about showing how good intentions don't always lead to positive outcomes. I'd be up for being kept against my will if he'd ditched his tray of tea and biscuits and offered me something a lil' stronger.

DJ: I don't know if it depends on who's wearing the dress. If I saw Efron or Gyllenhaal in full-on drag, I don't know if I would find that desirable. Sure, they may be beautiful looking women, but I wouldn't want to have sex with them. It's truly a fine line. But, like you quoted (and Bieber sang), I will "never say never".

Terence's eyes were so sad in The Collector. He wanted Eggar to live up to his image of her in his head but he was so pained when it obviously doesn't pan out. But Terence generally has great eyes. They have the same Paul Newman Piercing Blue color but you can tell there's a lot more naughtiness hidden behind Terence's peepers.

Like you mentioned, Terence is/was a notorious womanizer. Would you have rather been the one to tame the beast or merely been one of the many conquests?

C: Honestly, I'd rather be one of his many conquests. If there's anything I've learned it's that taming men is way too much hard work - plus I see Terence as more of a curious beast than a marry-me-Hugh-Jackman figure. There's something lurking there that says "try me once and don't look back." A bit like Simon Cowell. Or is that just me?

DJ: I would want to be one of his many conquests, too! It's really because I'm super lazy and I just want to have sex. I don't have the patience to deal with taming a notorious Lothario such as him. One night of passion is really all I need. And, yes, you are sadly alone on the Simon Cowell bit.

C: He has those classic looks but would you say Terence was one of those men with a small window at sexual peak? I saw him in an interview in the late 70s and he seemed to have aged quite a lot from those Billy Budd days.

DJ: As much as it pains me to say it, Terence really did have a small sexual peak. Some people are hot for decades, some grow into their sexiness and others are only hot for a brief period of time. Those are the breaks, I'm afraid. But at least we had that good 8-10 years though. A lot of guys don't even get that long at the top. And I bet Terence had a smashing personality that really helped him score with all the ladies.

C: I find your 'Get 'em, Do 'em, Move on' mentality pretty suitable here. The guy had a small peak, but what a peak!

I watched the trailer for Billy Budd and saw him wrestling a dude topless, so I might have the whole issue of Terence sexiness covered there.

DJ: Okay, I saw Billy Budd a couple of years ago and I have absolutely no recollection of a shirtless wrestling scene. I remember the homoeroticism of the entire film, but not this scene. Have I finally lost it? Am I slowly becoming Julie Christie in Away From Her?

C: Well if it isn't wrestling it's 'grappling' and it is in the trailer, so if they've left that out of the actual film it's the cinematic equivalent of a cocktease. I would think a hunk aficionado such as yourself would notice, but at 20 I wouldn't worry about Alzheimer's just yet.

My mistake, you're 23. Don't get cocky.

I can't believe I forgot to mention Teorema, the Pasolini film where Terence Stamp plays an enigmatic stranger who has sex with every member of an upper class family! Terrible, terrible film but Stamp was in fine form. Do you think Terence was sexy in his prime? Did he really only have a small peak of sexiness or are Cal and I just ageist?

Crazy 80's Project: Making Love

2011-10-01T01:13:00.000-04:00

I wanted to hate Making Love and its safe, dated handling of a then-controversial plot (a married man upsets his comfortable upper-class life by having an affair with an openly gay man), but a funny thing happened on the way to a perfectly predictable and disposable film. In between the cheesy moments of pure marital bliss between Zach (Michael Ontkean) and Claire (the fabulous Kate Jackson), the scenes of Gay Life Circa 1982, which was apparently a lot more masculine and rugged than it is nearly 20 years later, and the ho-hum, middle-of-the-road easiness the film embraces for much of its runtime, there's something surprisingly refreshing about Making Love. Honestly, there's nothing even slightly offensive about Making Love, which is surprising since even a full decade later Philadelphia was far more uncomfortable with its sexuality and had much less to lose. This is both to Making Love's credit and a knock against it because it almost refuses to raise the stakes beyond the minimum necessary to move the story forward, which matches its indistinct Movie of the Week style. But the choice to have both Claire and Bart (Harry Hamlin), the man Zach has the affair with, speak long monologues directly into the camera like a documentary subject lends Making Love a touch more honesty than it probably deserves. Jackson and Hamlin deliver these monologues with the same delusions, idiosyncrasies and misguided conviction that ordinary people would (Bart claims he loves being single and unattached but something in his manner suggests otherwise; Claire naively thinks her marriage can still work even though her husband wants to bone dudes now). It's not especially groundbreaking--we're not talking Bergman-levels of self-examination--but it's enough to turn what could have been a turgid, past-its-prime piece of fluff cinema into something worth thinking of at some point in the future. Besides, how can you hate on an 80's film where the gay main characters neither contract HIV or die outright by the final frame? C+

10 Most Anticipated Performances This Fall

2011-09-30T01:08:00.000-04:00

The fall season is upon this and with the changing leaves comes the Oscar season. So long, superheroes, hello, adults with problems! Needless to say, it's usually my favorite time of the year (although this spring and early summer will probably give the next few months a run for their money). To celebrate this season's commencement, I thought I would change things up a bit and share the performances I'm looking forward to the mos. Here they are in no particular order:

Keira Knightley, A Dangerous Method

Since A Dangerous Method's premiere at Venice, the words "loud" and "in-your-face" have been used almost exclusively to describe Knightley's performance. Reaction has been mixed as to whether or not it works, but I absolutely love gutsy, go-for-broke performances. And Knightley has only grown in my esteem since Atonement.

Michael Fassbender, Shame

I could say that I'm mostly excited for this performance because Fassy is reteaming with his Hunger director Steve McQueen, but we all know I'd be lying. As soon as I heard the words "full frontal," my ticket was already bought. But Fassy is a great actor and he has been receiving rave reviews for this performance, so I'd be interested in this performance even if we didn't get a glimpse of the goods.

Sandra Bullock, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I don't care what anyone says, I'm still proudly a member of Team Sandy and her Oscar win back in 2009. This is why I'm curious to see if her first post-Oscar film will continue my fascination with this woman. Provided Stephen Daldry's adaptation of this acclaimed novel hits the right notes, I don't think Sandy will have a problem nailing this.

Armie Hammer, J. Edgar

The recent trailer left me cold, but if it did nothing else, it certainly raised my already considerable interest in Armie's performance in this film. The way I'm reading the trailer, he's playing the supportive wife role, which makes me smile because the thought of 6 foot 5 Aryan God Armie Hammer playing the docile supporting wife is hilarious in its own right. Plus he gets a shouting scene! Can you say "Oscar clip"? If we couldn't get Andy Garfield a nom last year, this should be an easier sell, right?

Kirsten Dunst, Melancholia

Lars von Trier has a way with actresses that is almost unparalleled (hello, Nicole Kidman in Dogville!). The fact that he decided to work with as unlikely of an actress as Dunst, whom will always be in my good graces for Bring It On alone, makes me think that he saw something truly special in her that will translate well in his apocalyptic film.

Charlize Theron, Young Adult

Theron has never been a favorite actress of mine (my three favorite performances of her are Monster, the "Crossfire" music video and that Dior ad where she undresses as she walks through a long corridor), but I know a lot of people who love and trust her even when her filmography might not warrant such devotion. The real story here is screenwriter Diablo Cody, who made even the insufferable Megan Fox temporarily interesting in Jennifer's Body. If she can work that same magic with the much more tolerable Charlize Theron in this film about a divorced loser returning home to rekindle an old romance, the results will be golden.

Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene

The fact that a member of the Olsen clan who is not one of the Olsen Twins is getting Oscar buzz is enough for me. What a delicious little story: sister of billionaire media moguls wows in low budget indie film.

Zac Efron, New Year's Eve

A bit of a silly choice, I know. But it has simply been far too long with out Efron on our movie screens (about 16 months by the time this comes out). On the plus side, New Year's Eve is a comedy, which is truly Efron's forte and Garry Marshall was able to get at least one interesting performance out of his last film in this vein, Valentine's Day.

Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

I have to say I'm mostly curious about watching the introverted, cerebral Williams portray an actress like Monroe, who achieved stardom with charm, warmth and massive sex appeal. The result could either be a beautiful disaster or a triumph. I, for one, am intrigued either way.

Jason Segel & Amy Adams, The Muppets

I was going to pick Sterling Knight & Selena Gomez as the duo from this film I'm most excited about, but I realize that they are probably only cameo roles and I don't want to get overexcited for 90 seconds of screentime. I don't, however, want to make it sound like I'm not interested in the main romance between Segel & Adams. These two are adorable on their own, so I don't know if we can handle their combined adorableness. I'm certainly willing to try, though.

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #94 Farley Granger

2011-09-24T11:19:00.001-04:00

94. Farley Granger

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: American

Peak of Hotness: The Late 40's/Early 50's

Best Known For: His work with the legendary Alfred Hitchcock early in his career: Rope and Strangers on a Train

Joining me once again to discuss this rarely discussed actor from the Golden Age is my friend JD from Valley Dreamin' (and from his Twitter). Enjoy!

Dame James: When did you first encounter Farley and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

JD: I believe I first saw him in Rope, and it was more or less love at first sight. He was so adorable and troubled and oh my god, his lips. It didn't hurt that I thought he was legitimately great in it. Then I found out he ACTUALLY was gay and Google Image searched and, well. You know me. BUT ANYWAY. He, and not Hitch, was my primary motivation for seeing Strangers on a Train afterwards! I needed more.

DJ: Rope is where it all began for me, too. I don't think I quite knew what I was getting myself into when I sat down to watch that movie. A ninety minute long take with Farley as the nervous, sensitive, passive (aka the bottom) half of a homicidal homosexual couple? As they say in baseball, touchdown! Even as a 15 year old I knew it was a beautiful thing.

I can't say that I saw Strangers on a Train for Farley--Hitch is da man--but he was certainly a highlight of the film. Or, should I say, his short tennis shorts were a highlight. I know I briefly discussed him in my entry about Andy Roddick, but it bares repeating here: so goddamn hot! And, once again, he plays a (debatable) homosexual involved in a very homoerotic situation. I think it's one of the rare times when Golden Age Hollywood let a known homosexual actually play a (heavily watered-down) homosexual. Do you think this is what ultimately killed his Hollywood career?

JD: Yeah, probably. He lasted quite a bit but his career really is retroactively defined by the two Hitch collabos, isn't it? It's much more than that. I think he might be best in Nick Ray's superb They Live By Night. He could really play emotionally insecure and damaged to a T - which I knooow you like, James. Also, he was totally shirtless in it, I VIVIDLY remember that.

DJ: Why do I not remember the shirtlessness? Has it finally started to happen? Has my memory started to go? Can I not recall important moments such as hot guys taking their shirts off? What has become of me?!

But I do love emotional damaged boys--hell, it even has its own label on my blog!--and Granger is so good and, consequently, attractive in They Live By Night for that very fact. Pretty people with emotional issues gives me a hard-on!

JD: Have you seen Side Street, with They Live By Night co-star Cathy O'Donnell and directed by Anthony Mann? It's SUCH a good film that I never hear anything about, and Farley's such a driving force behind the quality. (Although Jean Hagen doing some of my favorite limited screentime-acting ever doesn't hurt.) I really just wanna see more with him but there seems to be so few things that aren't hidden in the dust of obscurity, sadly. I really need to see Senso though. Though when I get sad about that because I'm lazy, I just Google image search and swoon. HIS LIPS. HIS LIPS.

And I really do think, though, the main factor as to why I love him is, in fact, his actual guy-lovin' and how he never really hid it. That had to have taken some balls, and even if it gave his career a short shelf life, it's always a fantastic thing knowing that someone just didn't submit to the studios for a false image.

DJ: I have not seen Side Street, but now I fully intend to track it down (Farley, Cathy AND Jean Hagen? I'm so in!). It's such a shame that, like you said, most of his work seems to be "hidden in the dust of obscurity." Then again, many actors would kill to be remembered for just one Hitchcock classic, let alone two, so he's lucky in that respect.

I don't think I realized he was quite so open about his sexuality when I selected him for this list, but now that I do know, it definitely works to his advantage. Granted, I'm no gay rights activist by any means, but I have mad respect for old timey actors who didn't play games with their sexuality. They were fucking whoever they wanted and they didn't care. Farley is the first of a few guys on this list who broke the mold in this manner, and I couldn't be prouder.

What do you think of Farley? Is he a Golden Age actor that does it for you? And what do you think about gay or bisexual actors back in the day who refused to pretend they were straight?

Team Dame Maggie

2011-09-18T11:16:00.001-04:00

If Dame Maggie Smith doesn't win an Emmy tonight for her spot on work on Downton Abbey, I will probably flip over a car in protest.

Crazy 80's Project: Diva

2011-09-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

The first real dud of this project. This widely acclaimed French suspense thriller is neither suspenseful or thrilling as it tells the Hitchcockian story of an innocent mailman who winds up with a tape implicating the leader of a suspected sex trafficking organization. There are a couple of other subplots, including one about a bootleg recording the main character makes of his favorite opera diva's concert, and that's precisely the problem with Diva. When the film should be as sleek and to-the-point as possible, director Jean-Jacques Beineix drastically drags the film out 20-30 minutes longer than it needs to be. How are we supposed to be involved in this film when the main character is in no real danger until more than halfway into the runtime? Even when the "suspense" does amp up, it's neither exciting nor particularly clever; it's everything we have seen done better a million times before. It's particularly telling when the opera diva the title is referring to is referenced as being disagreeable having a volatile temper and we see neither during her entire, almost unnecessary, subplot. What's the point in having an exciting, electric diva and then forcing her to remain entirely calm and collected nearly the entire time? Just one of this misfire's many mistakes. D+

Somebody Please Tell 'Em Who the Eff She Is

2011-09-13T22:24:00.001-04:00

I don't think I've ever spoken of my love for Nicki Minaj before, which is very nearly a crime worthy of capital punishment given how "Super Bass" is my favorite song of the year, so I want to take some time to talk about her. As a white boy from rural Michigan, rap isn't exactly my forte. Not surprisingly, though, of the rappers I do enjoy, the vast majority of them are females. Missy Elliott has always been my favorite--although with legendary tracks like "Work It" and "Get Ur Freak On", who could compete?--but Nicki is quickly catching up. Not only is the woman versatile beyond belief, Nicki also has some of the most clever, interesting lyrics this side of Kanye West at his best. She's an artist who only gets more interesting with time and I can't wait to hear what insanity she comes out with next. To celebrate her, I decided to give a brief rundown of my favorite Nicki verses, whether from her solo work or as a guest artist.

10. "In My Head [Remix]"

It's not very often where I find myself audibly laughing while listening to lyrics, but on this remix of the Jason Derülo hit, I still chuckle at certain bits of Nicki's verse.

Key Lyric: "Smash more clubs than Tiger Woods' wifey"

09. "Up Out My Face [Remix]"

This is the first time I ever heard Nicki after at least a couple of months of hype surrounding her. I must admit that at first, I didn't get the big deal. But after numerous listens to this remix of Mariah Carey's jam, I finally got it.

Key Lyric: "Cat's away, well the mice will play/LOL, smiley face, have a nice-a day"

08. "Your Love"

The first Nicki song I ever truly loved, which is surprising because it's neither the type of rap she's known for or the kind of rapping I love best from her. But, backed by an Annie Lennox sample (!!!!), Nicki wrote a surprisingly tender rap about finding a soulmate.

Key Lyric: "When I was a geisha, he was a samurai/Somehow I understood him when he spoke Thai"

07. "Did It On 'Em"

This gem of an album track would probably pass you by unnoticed if you didn't take a second and listen to the lyrics. There are so many hilarious and off-beat boasts (maybe acting as a parody?) that puts many other rappers and their lame attempts and building themselves up to shame.

Key Lyric: "If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on 'em"

06. "Super Bass"

My favorite Nicki song. The only reason it's not ranked higher is because I love this song for reasons other than its lyrics. She may be more clever on other songs, but that doesn't diminish the amazingness of this song.

Key Lyric: "I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie/You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh"

05. "Where Them Girls At"

Even though it was a hit in the UK earlier this year, I only just got into this song a couple of weeks ago. Nicki often does her finest work featuring on other people's songs where she often steals the show and this David Guetta track is no exception. The moment I truly fell for this song, I was on my way to work and I was cracking up at Nicki's verse.

Key Lyric: "You can suck a dick, you can suck on a ballsack/No, no, I don't endorse that, p-p-p-pause that, abort that"

04. "Girls Fall Like Dominoes"

Nicki's flow on this song is incredible. And I love the way the first and second verses really have nothing to do with each other but they somehow sound quite harmonious next to each other. Bonus points for name dropping both Mo'Nique and Grace Jones in a song!

Key Lyric: "Material girls like Madonna/Model for Donatella/Ain't nothing you can tell her 'cause she get that mozzarella"

03. "Bottoms Up"

This is the song I use to get pumped whenever I got out drinking with my friends. Even before we touch a drop of alcohol, my friend Megan and I try to sing Nicki's verse on this song and, dear God, we cannot keep up for the life of us. Such a perfect little ode to getting completely hammered.

Key Lyric: "Rest in piece to Anna Nicole Smith/Yes, my dear, you're so explosive/Say hi to Mary, Mary and Joseph/Now bottoms up and double my doses"

02. "Roman's Revenge"

I wasn't crazy about this song at first. Now I can't imagine a world without it. Whatever your opinion of Eminem's verses (I think they work and are the most inspired things he's done in ages), we all have to agree that Nicki absolutely kills it on this song. I am in absolute awe of her ability to play with random words and phrases and put them together in phrases that make complete sense.

Key Lyric: "Word, that bitch mad 'cause I took the spot?/Well, bitch, if you ain't shittin', then get off the pot"

01. "Monster"

A song by Kanye West which also features Jay-Z and little ole Nicki Minaj is the one who steals the entire show? This was Nicki's "Bad Romance" moment: the instant we all realized that she wasn't fucking around and was, in fact, the real deal. Her entire verse is not only cleverly written but is also delivered with such a relentless energy unlike anyone in the game today.

Key Lyric: "But really, really, I don't give a F-U-C-K/Forget Barbie, fuck Nicki she escaped/She on a diet but her cock is eating cheesecake"

Pardon the Interruption

2011-09-11T13:25:00.000-04:00

This song reminds me of that horrific day like no other. My thoughts to everyone affected by the tragedy.

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #95 Colin Farrell

2011-09-09T15:47:00.002-04:00

95. Colin Farrell

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: Irish

Age: 35

Best Known For: A wildly erratic filmography, which includes Tigerland, Phone Booth, S.W.A.T., Daredevil, Alexander, The New World, In Bruges and Horrible Bosses.

Joining me in this latest installment is my good friend (and the other half of the Whores of Twitter) JD from the blog Valley Dreamin'. This is his first of many entries in the countdown, so I hope you enjoy JD's one of a kind sense of humor!

Dame James: When did you first encounter Colin and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

JD: I first saw him in Phone Booth I'd reckon but my junk didn't really respond because I wasn't *there* yet. But by the time Alexander and The New World and his penchant for fucking hot photoshoots happened, I was ready. Also, ya know, the sex tape. It came riiight at the point where I was starting to be a horndog but not quite there yet; I think it really sent me over permanently to that direction. If that's not love, I don't know what is!

Dame James: Actually, I think Phone Booth may have been the first thing I saw Colin in as well, give or take Minority Report which I probably didn't even register him being in at the time (or now, come to think of it). The film that hooked me was Tigerland, which is basically an ode to how incredibly sexy and gorgeous he is. The fact that it's confined in the inherent homoeroticness of Army life only makes Colin sexier. Plus, I get an even bigger hard-on when pretty boys can act and, up until In Bruges, this was my favorite performance of his.

Going through his IMDb page, I realize there's a lot of stuff I haven't seen and, for the most part, I don't feel like I'm missing much. I was excited about the homosexuality of Alexander but then I read that Oliver Stone basically cut all of that out (For shame!). A Home At the End of the World is Sensitive Colin, which I'm not sure exists, or want to exist, and that source material is such complete and utter shit. His sex tape is probably the most intriguing thing I haven't seen.

JD: Alexander is just a fucking weird movie. The homosexuality isn't taken out entirely but what's left is so muddled and confusingly done. But Colin shows his dick at least! And it has Angie Jolie being a crazy campy bitch which is also a plus.

You haven't seen the sex tape?! It's only like 15 minutes long, MAKE ROOM FOR IT. (I'd definitely make room for it. #JDnontweets)

Dame James: No, I haven't seen it, but I'm notoriously bad at seeing infamous sex tapes. Also, women. Ew. I don't need non-Anne Hathaway boobs interrupting my pornography, thank you very much. Is the tape from before he was famous?

JD: I think the sex tape was around the time he was filming Daredevil so his head was shaved, and it was with a Playboy model. You've at least seen the screencaps, though, right?

Dame James: I haven't even seen screencaps. I didn't even know it existed until two days ago. Man oh man, I miss everything!

The only problem I have with Colin is that his look changes so much and my opinion changes drastically with each look. Love the short hair/scruff combo of the Tigerland years and the In Bruges/Cassandra's Dream years but find the long shaggy hair/full-on beard years a waste. Do you find yourself going back and forth like me? If no, do you prefer a certain look over another?

JD: Ehhh, I know his changing looks are understandably a problem for some people, but I don't think I've ever minded any of them. I do agree his best is the simple short black hair/scruff look.

Dame James: At least we agree on that. I suppose when you have as long a history with someone as you do with Colin, you'll find him attractive no matter what in the hell he looks like. Isn't that the definition of true love?

Anyways, speaking of true love, remember the days when he and Britney were fucking? I think it was just after she broke up with Justin and her hormones were racing and she was fucking everyone in sight and Colin, like the decent, sexed-up god that he is, took advantage of that? Okay, so it's not quite the storybook romance that Britney and Justin were but don't you love Colin just a little bit more for bangin' the Princess of Pop?

JD: I totally forgot they did but YOU'RE RIGHT. Oh man. haha.

Dame James: Anyways, one last topic: the bad boy factor. Just how much does it work to his advantage? Would we still be as hot for him from a purely physical standpoint if there wasn't the risk that he'd shove us against a wall and have hot, angry sex with us and then not call the next day?

JD: Imagining Colin Farrell as a 'nice', 'sensible', 'considerate' person just...doesn't register, you know? It's a huge part of why he's so fucking attractive! Especially for angry wall sex, absolutely. Mmmmm.

So, what do you think? Do you like the idea of a Sensitive Colin Farrell or do you, like Lady Gaga in her glory days, like it rough?

Crazy 80's Project: Heathers

2011-09-04T17:37:00.000-04:00

Michael Lehmann's Heathers, is, without a doubt, one of the sharpest, scathing--not to mention most ambitious--films the high school/coming of age comedy subgenre has ever seen. Not content to merely be a film about navigating the tricky sea that is high school, Heathers is also an explosive combination of black comedy, Bonnie & Clyde-style examination of love and social commentary ("Suicide (Don't Do It)"). To say it's an ambitious film is an understatement, but, to it's credit, Heathers nails it far more often than it misses. Lehmann has a keen eye for details and visual gags, which immediately separates it from nearly every other high school comedy ever made. The screenplay from Daniel Waters has its own undefinable cadence that in ways reminded me of both Tennessee Williams and Diablo Cody; Williams in how the actors must speak with a certain stylization otherwise it all falls flat and Cody in how, whether you like it or not, you wouldn't mistake the writing for anyone else. While this makes the screenplay more intriguing, it's also where most of the film's problems lay. First of all, Heathers has such a strange stylization, it takes a good twenty minutes to get into the rhythm of how the film will flow. While I suppose it would be easier to understand on a second go-around, I must confess it threw me for such a loop I had a hard time getting into it. Secondly, the dialogue is so on-the-nose, stars Winona Ryder and Christian Slater fall flat about a quarter of the time. There's no way I would ever classify them as bad by any stretch of the imagination, and they both have ace moments that prove their worth, but I was a tad disappointed by them. Again, I wager a second viewing of the film is in order for it all to click, but I found the few loose ends far too distracting to overlook in favor of Heathers' strong points. B+

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #96 Andy Roddick

2011-09-01T12:47:00.001-04:00

96. Andy Roddick

Occupation: Athlete (Tennis)

Nationality: American

Age: 29

Best Known For: Formerly the #1 tennis player in the world. Held the record for the fastest serve (155 mph) between 2004 and 2011.

Joining me once again is Dave. I should mention that when I asked people to help me with this project, they picked solely on the guys and not based on rankings. So that is the reason why you've heard from Dave in three of the first five entries. There will be a lot of diverse contributors coming up so don't fret. For now, soak up Dave's awesomeness as we talk about this all-star athlete.

Dame James: When did you first encounter Andy and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Dave: I've always been a tennis fan, since before I understood what my sexuality was - since before I realised that my French teacher had breasts and that the thing between my legs was actually worth more than piss. (Feel free to edit that bit out.) I've always had a rather shallow tendency to pick favourites by appearance, though, so Andy was always a favourite because he was so handsome. I don't think I realised my reasoning at the time. So I suppose Andy was, vaguely at least, part of my sexual awakening, someone I was subconsciously attracted to before and VERY consciously afterwards.

There's the blatant sexiness of him taking off his shirt so much and having such a pert bottom - and those white tennis shorts at Wimbledon really are a godsend for those toned tennis player buttocks - and the fact that he sweats SO GODDAMN MUCH would be disgusting from anyone else, but when it's someone you like to imagine having sex with... But it's also the demeanour. He's such an All American Kid without being remotely obnoxious, such a friendly and laidback guy whatever the result without ever coming across as though he doesn't care about the sport - he's surely one of the fiercest competitors on the court - and I remember my heart bleeding on several occasions when he looked like a wounded puppy on losing a Wimbledon final. He's just a NICE GUY, which is the most direct way to my heart.

DJ: Wow. I wasn't aware Andy was so important to your sexual awakening. But I completely understand the power of those initial attractions before we completely understand our feelings. Lucky you, however, that one of your first crushes remains a total hottie! I've never been a tennis fan, nor do I have any recollection of when I first encountered Andy (maybe it was when he was dating Mandy Moore?), but I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one. And Goddamn, Andy Roddick is a very attractive fellow.

The fact that Andy plays tennis makes him even more attractive, for many of the same reasons you stated above: the shirtlessness, the sweating, the tennis-enhanced ass. Granted, I wish the shorts they wear are more like the short-shorts professional tennis players wore back in the day (I'm thinking of Farley Granger in Strangers on a Train), but I'm definitely not complaining when Andy fills them out so nicely. Another thing I love about tennis is the grunting. Can you think of another sport with such a direct link to sex (besides wrestling) as all the huffing, puffing and loud, angry noises that come out of tennis players when they are in the zone?

D: They do tend towards distressingly loose shorts these days, nothing like the skin-tight hot pants and knitwear they used to sport. But still, I think seeing players like Andy and Rafa Nadal pick at their butt cracks all the time more than makes up for that. From what I remember Andy doesn't really grunt much, definitely not in comparison to other players. But you're right, of course - a baseline rally can basically sound like two guys going at it. It's a good thing I've never seen Andy and Nadal play each other...

One delectable aspect of Andy's play is what he does when he serves - he bends his knees really quite low, which means that his ass sticks out to extraordinary extremes - watch any video of him playing and you'll see! It really is a sight to behold.

DJ: I don't follow tennis, but I've heard that Andy hasn't been doing as well lately on the court. Do you think his new wife has cursed him? If this was Salem circa the 17th century, I'd be chanting "Witch, witch, witch!"

D: Women are really an unnecessary distraction to sportsmen. The locker room exists for a reason. Keep all that stuff in there, guys, and let me put a camera in there.

DJ: A lot of porn takes place in locker rooms. If this whole tennis thing doesn't work out, Andy definitely has a bright future ahead of him in that profession. And he'll have all that practice from actually being in a locker room that often.

Andy dated Mandy Moore back in the day. Which of today's pop princesses would you like Andy to hook up with (we're ignoring that he's married in this instance)?

D: It blatantly has to be Ke$ha. His sweat and her bags of glitter are a match made in heaven.

Andy & The Glitter Trash Diva: A match made in heaven?

DJ: I was totally going to say Ke$ha, too! That thing about great minds must be true.

So, in this post, we talked about short-shorts, asses, grunting, locker room sex, sweating and breathing heavily. Well done on us for our in depth sexualizing of tennis! And we didn't even make obvious references to smacking some balls around!

D: Smacking some balls around? That's just disgustingly crass, James. Too far.

Eh, it's never too crass in these parts! So how do you all feel about Andy? Do you want to smack some balls around with him? I want a taste of that powerful serve, if you know what I mean.