I Am Terrified for the Future of Filmmaking

I am not a film major, but this past semester I decided to take a course about film genres to (attempt to) keep my sanity amid my accounting and business classes. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed far, far away from this class. Let me just start by stating my overall thesis for this blog post: If the people in my film genre class are any indication as to what films in 10-15 years are going to be like, December 21, 2012 can not come quick enough. A nuclear apocalypse would be less painful than the shit movies I'm going to have to sit through from these people.

I must add right here that I enjoyed the class and loved the professor. I had had her before in an earlier introductory film class and thought she was amazing. She actually showed foreign movies, much to the dismay of the idiots in the class, and introduced me to Breathless so I will forever be grateful to her. What drove me crazy about the class was the students. I have been in business classes for so long, I forgot how irritating those couple of kids who have an opinion about everything and feel the need to express it fourteen times a class were. And it always seemed these stereotypical fanboys had opinions during weeks when we discussed genres I didn't care about. During horror week, we had a 30 minute long discussion about Sam Raimi's Spider-Man movies after briefly mentioning The Evil Dead. And, my God, you couldn't shut them up during fantasy week when Lord of the Rings came up. But when melodrama week came up, they were quieter than Taylor Momsen at a Celibacy Club meeting (Not to toot my own horn, but the professor was impressed that week that I had seen Broken Blossoms, Terms of Endearment and In the Mood for Love outside of a film class). As if that wasn't bad enough, it felt like for the most part none of them had a seen a film made before The Godfather but a majority of the class had seen The Neverending Story.

What really set me off about the stupidity of these future filmmakers were our final projects. The assignment was to take a film and discuss it relative to genre, whether it's an argument why it falls in one particular genre, why it's a hybrid of two genres or the persona of one of the film's stars. We had the choice to do a paper or a presentation and, since I obviously never read the papers, I only have the presentations to comment on. And boy do I have a lot to say about them.

The first one that really drove me crazy was a presentation on Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. For a brief second, I actually thought that this might be an interesting presentation because who doesn't love hearing about a Hitchcock film? As the presentation wore on, however, it quickly became clear that the girl probably only chose the film because she didn't have to do much research to find article and books about it. With the number of factual errors in her presentation, she obviously didn't give a shit about the film or Alfred Hitchcock (which is sad because he's only the greatest director ever and far more fascinating than anyone working today). For instance, the girl at one point claimed that Juno and the Paycock was Hitchcock's first film. Now, I don't have the chronology of his entire filmography memorized, but I knew that sounded fishy as soon as it came out of her mouth. Sure enough, the bitch got it wrong. Juno and the Paycock was his 12th film, not his 1st. Seriously bitch, go to IMDb and verify this shit. It's not that fucking hard. As if that wasn't bad enough, she then referred to American Psycho, the 2000 film based on Bret Easton Ellis' novel and starring Christian Bale, as a sequel and/or remake of Psycho. When she said this, I wanted to get out of my seat, go to the front of the classroom and punch her in the face like she's that bitch from Jersey Shore. How stupid can you possibly be? I mean, where on Earth is she getting this information from? Did she just assume that since they both have the word psycho in them they must be related?

Oh, and she was only the tip of the iceberg. There was this other dirty hippie bitch that drove me absolutely nuts even before she started talking. Earlier in the year, while discussing Holocaust films, she came out of nowhere and started talking about Persepolis, which she outright admitted that she had never seen and obviously knew nothing about it. So we had to take a two minute detour from the lecture to get her back on track and finally shut the fuck up. She decided to discuss City of God, which hurt right away since I'm a massive Meirelles fanboy. I tried to be objective at first, but some of the first words out of her mouth made me hate her even more: "I'm talking about City of God which is like ALL in Portuguese." Now, out of context, this may not seem so bad, but the way she emphasized "all" it made it sound like we should give her a fat fucking medal for willingly watching a foreign language movie. Yes, bitch, you are so amazing and we should throw you a fucking parade for your valor and intelligence. Give me a fucking break.

Now I have to talk about the guy who couldn't follow directions to save his life. In the first place, the professor sent at least three e-mails to all the presenters telling them that they needed to bring their presentations on memory sticks because there was no time to switch between her computer and someone else's. I don't know if he didn't get these e-mails, didn't read them carefully or is just a complete dumbass, but he came to class with his laptop and seemed completely clueless and dumbstruck when the professor asked if he had his presentation on a memory stick. I could tell the professor wanted to strangle him--hell I wanted to strangle him--but she had to be nice and quickly disconnect her computer and connect his to the project her. Next his presentation started and it was so awful I would have jumped out the window if we weren't on the first floor. First of all, he decided to talk about Superman, but instead of focusing on one of the films like the assignment asked, he went on and on about Superman's origins in comic books. Uh, yes, that's completely relevant to a film genre class. Then he couldn't get the (unnecessary) sound to work on one of his stupid slides. The professor had to keep reminding him that he only had 10 minutes and couldn't spend the time fixing the slide but he decided to ignore her and kept on fooling around with the sound on this one goddamn slide.

I know this may seem inconsequential and petty on my part, but this whole class just bothered me. Judging by the students, films are going to be even more blockbuster-heavy and dumber than the dreck that gets released every summer. If you can't even get basic facts right in a simple presentation or have such a limited knowledge of films you don't know much about pre-1980 films, what the hell are you going to do when you're a director on a film set? Not anything I want to see, that's what.

I'll leave you with one concluding remark from the last presentation of the day: Casablanca is apparently now a film noir.

(Oh, and if anyone's interested, I'd be glad to post my paper about What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? and how its a horror and melodrama film hybrid. My prof said it was brilliant!)

10 Things I Hate About Slumdog Millionaire

There's a scene towards the beginning of Slumdog Millionaire that, if you think about it, is really quite an apt metaphor for the film as a whole and my reaction to it. A young Indian boy named Jamal (played at this point by Ayush Mahesh Khedekar) is locked in an outdoor bathroom- which, in reality, is nothing more than a hole in the ground- by his angry brother because he drove away a paying customer. When a famous and beloved Bollywood star lands in a helicopter near the area, his brother leaves Jamal locked in the toilet and goes running towards the commotion that has arisen. Jamal beats on the door but no one can hear him. He then looks down at the hole in the ground and is forced to make a decision: miss the chance to meet his idol and stay clean or jump in the pile of shit and get his coveted autograph. Needless to say, Jamal decides on the latter and, drenched in feces and piss, runs up to the star and asks for the autograph.

Confused? Let me break it down: Slumdog Millionaire is Jamal at this moment, a film so eager to accomplish something so insignificant that it isn't aware that the journey it took to reach its destination was nothing more than a trek through a pile of shit.

Yeah, so I'm afraid I have to dissent from the Golden Globes, nearly every critic's organization in the country and a good majority of the nation's film critics/bloggers- Slumdog is one of the worst movies of the year and here are the ten main reasons why I hated it so much.

1. White Liberal Guilt
The first half in particular, in which the three young children are forced to survive on the mean streets of the slums of India, hinges on the hope that white Westerners will get choked up at the ordeals these kids are not only put through, but survive. You can almost hear Our Lord and Saviour, Oprah telling her audience full of white, middle-class housewives, "I've seen it peopleeeeeeee! This movie will change your life and give you hope!" You can imagine Brangelina at a private screening whispering to each other about how they need to adopt a little Indian baby next.

2. Structure
I'm not sure if the structure of the screenplay is based on the book the film is adapted from (I've never read it or ever intend to), but Simon Beaufoy's treatment is the laziest, most repetitive script of this Oscar season. There is nothing surprising about anything concerning the structure of the film: you know that with every question that is asked, we are going to get some long, turgid flashback that will "cleverly" show us the random, inexplicable moments in his life when the question was brought up. I can't believe this script is getting attention when there are so many other screenplays that also took chances with ordinary themes and subjects and took them in unparalleled- and unpredictable- places (Happy-Go-Lucky, In Bruges, The Visitor).

3. "Oh look, they're running again."
Was it just me or did the first two or three flashbacks consist of nothing but people running away for whatever reason? And considering that these flashbacks cover a good 10 to 15 minutes of the first 20 minutes, this could be a problem.

4. Obviousness
Okay, you would seriously need to be the densest person on the planet if you can't guess what the final question (or, at least, the subject of the final quesion) will be as soon as it was brought to our attention. The whole film seems to suffer from this- every theme and new idea is pounded into our heads with the subtletly of a jackhammer.

5. "When did they learn English?"
I'm sorry, but how in the hell did Jamal and his brother learn to speak English? Did I miss the scene where they stopped fending for their lives on the streets to go to school to get a proper education?

6. Dev Patel
I'm not saying he's a bad actor by any means and he was actually quite adorable at the Golden Globes, but isn't this the most overrated performance of the year? The role requires nothing more of Patel than to sit there, stare and act uncomfortable around everyone. It's an incredibly one-note role than no one could have done much with and yet a multitude of critics' organizations are citing him for Breakthrough Performance of the year? Say what?

7. Feelgood Film...?
...Maybe if you're a sadist and get turned on by electrocution, mass murder (in the name of God, at that!) and children being blinded.

8. I liked this movie better five years ago when it was called City of God
Glenn subtly mentioned this when he saw the film a couple of weeks ago and I just couldn't shake the comparisons. Fernando Meirelles' breakthrough was also about a Brazilian child of the slums who survives some pretty gruesome shit and, incredibly, escapes the dire poverty of his upbringing. The only major difference I can see is that, you know, City of God is actually a good movie and doesn't rely on mucky, inspirational fluff to get its message across.

9. Foreign Arthouse Film- Hollywood Style
Director Danny Boyle tries to give Slumdog some grit and arthouse credibility with his offbeat cinematography (check out those crazy colors, man!) and editing, but for all of it's attempts to be un-Hollywood, Slumdog is really a typical Oscar bait film. Instead of saying something new or daring about the lives of these children of the slums, the film tries to sucker you through "heart," "emotion" and "tears." I'm sure I'll hear in response to this post, "Oh, don't you feel bad for those poor children? You must have no soul if you weren't moved by Slumdog." Well, yes, I did feel bad for the children- no one should be forced to live like that- but I can name five more interesting films that say the same things about that topic as this film. What makes this one any better?

10. Critic Attention
This past Sunday at the Golden Globes, as I'm sure you're all well aware, Slumdog went 4/4, picking up Best Picture (Drama), Director, Screenplay (?!) and Original Score (the only aspect of the movie I liked). This was the precise moment when I realized I needed to say something. Have people lost their fucking minds? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but, Jesus Christ, all the critics are acting like they've never seen a film before this one. Danny Boyle did not invent India, Bollywood, slum children or feel good-iness. It almost makes me sick that this film will probably win the Best Picture Oscar in a couple of months; not only would it be the worst winner since Shakespeare in Love (sorry, I can't stand that movie) but it's also fairly reminiscent of a much maligned (and for good reason) Best Picture winner from the 70's: Rocky. Imagine how embarrassing it will be in 20 years when we have to admit to our children/grandchildren a mistake as silly and avoidable as picking Slumdog for Best Picture; I'm sure it will look just as foolish as Rocky does now. D+

Random Top 10: Films I'm So Excited for This Fall I'm Pissing My Pants in Anticipation

As I was reminded by my most recent copy of Entertainment Weekly, the fall season is quickly approaching so that means four blissful months of movies made for adults and not silly teenage fanboys. Looking through the magazine (which features Harry Potter on the cover- ugh, I'm so over it- just before their announcement of their release date change) I got really excited about all of the wonderful films coming out that I wanted to share with you the ten that I'm most excited about.

Runner-Ups: Oliver Stone is hit or miss, so lets hope W., his attack on Bush, is more Nixon and less Alexander...Mike Leigh is a fantastic director and I bet he'll do wonders with Sally Hawkins in Happy-Go-Lucky...The poster may be complete shit, but the trailer for Lakeview Terrace looks like it could be a return to form for Samuel L. Jackson (plus, Patrick spends a lot of time without a shirt on)

10.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Director: Peter Sollett Starring: Michael Cera, Kat Dennings
Release Date: 10/3
This won't win any Oscars or anything, but Cera and Dennings are two gifted young comedians and have the talent to make this somewhat overused premise work.

9.

Miracle at St. Anna
Director: Spike Lee Starring: Derek Luke, Laz Alonso, Benson Miller
Release Date: 9/26
Spike Lee is always fascinating, even when he goes off the rails, so Miracle at St. Anna should be a good show, if nothing else. The WWII storyline bores me slightly but the trailer gave me hope that this one could be amazing.

8.

The Brothers Bloom
Director: Rian Johnson Starring: Mark Ruffalo, Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz, Rinko Kikuchi
Release Date: 10/3
I wasn't really that excited for The Brothers Bloom until I saw the trailer and now I can't wait. It looks like a lot of fun, plus, in what other movie can you see Rinko Kikuchi- as a character named Bang Bang no less- blow a bunch of shit up?

7.

Revolutionary Road
Director: Sam Mendes Starring: Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kathy Bates
Release Date: 12/26
As if it hasn't been said enough, my main reason for wanting to see this is because KATE AND LEO ARE REUNITED!

6.

Burn After Reading
Director: Joel and Ethan Coen Starring: Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, John Malkovich
Release Date: 9/12
I love the Coen Brothers in full-on anarchy mode and the all-star chemistry only adds to my curiousity. Plus, I laugh all the way through that trailer everytime I see it.

5.

Rachel Getting Married
Director: Jonathan Demme Starring: Anne Hathaway, Debra Winger
Release Date: 10/3
Like The Brothers Bloom, I wasn't that excited until I saw the trailer and saw that this film is right up my alley. Anne Hathaway, steadily working her way up the Hollywood foodchain, looks like she has a legitimate chance at an Oscar nomination for her dark, deadpan work.

4.

Milk
Director: Gus Van Sant Starring: Sean Penn, James Franco, Josh Brolin, Emile Hirsch, Diego Luna
Release Date: 11/26
What kind of gay man would I be if I didn't place this one on my list? I'm not a huge Van Sant fan (too avant garde for my taste usually) but he has his moments and the material here is can't miss.

3.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Director: Kenny Ortega Starring: La Tisdale, Zac Efron, Vanessa Anne Hudgens
Release Date: 10/24
The serious film lover in me doesn't want to be so excited for this damn film that I already know is going to suck, but the teenage girl in me is screaming, "OMG, only two months left until I can swoon over Zac Efron on the big screen again!" Add to that the fact that we'll see this year's Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner here from Miss Ashley Tisdale and HSM3 earns its place this high on my list.

2.

Blindness
Director: Fernando Meirelles Starring: Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Danny Glover, Gael Garcia Bernal, Sandra Oh
Release Date: 9/26
A dark, fantastic novel. The most brilliant, underrated director of the past ten years. One of our premier actresses with a juicy character that, if done right, should redeem the past few years of complete shit she's done. An eclectic and exciting supporting cast. Everything's lining up for Blindness to be one of the best films of the year-- let's just hope it fulfills that promise.

1.

Australia
Director: Baz Luhrmann Starring: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman
Release Date: 11/14 11/26
With every publicity still that's released containing Nicole Kidman looking fabulous and Hugh Jackman looking dashing and romantic, I get even giddier about this film. Add to that the sublimely talented director Baz Luhrmann, who makes every film of his an event, and you've got a potent combination in my eyes. I'm a little pissed I now I have to wait an additional 12 days to see Australia, but if that means the film will get the special attention it deserves than I will patiently wait.