Short Rants on The Lucky One

I could go into garish, grotesque detail describing every single problem with The Lucky One, which starts with the first frame and doesn't let up for the entire 100 minute runtime. I could tell you about the film's dead-in-the-water dialogue or its sickeningly awful, one-dimensional Bad Guy, who makes every Bad Guy in every Tyler Perry movie look nuanced and carefully characterized, or the complete miscasting of the charismatic, energetic Zac Efron as an introverted, bland Iraq vet who couldn't even convince me that he has flown over Iraq, let alone fought there. Yes, I could do all this, but I am in absolutely no mood to rehash any of this vile, repugnant film. You see, I've sat through many bad films in many years as a cinephile. Some were hilariously bad. Some put me to sleep. Others made me rolls my eyes every five seconds. But never have I hated my life as much as I did when I sat through The Lucky One. Somewhere near the 40 minute mark, I began to question why I go to the movies in the first place. By the end of the film, I could barely contain my anger at this film, not only as a whole film but as a vehicle for my beloved Zac Efron. He has made some questionable choices in the past (New Year's Eve being the most recent), but he is always watchable and, at the very least, you see what drew him to a project. With The Lucky One, I don't understand what he was thinking, other than the obvious box office allure of a Nicholas Sparks project. There's stretching as an actor and then there's taking roles that you are not cut out to play. I know this sounds like I'm being particularly harsh to my Zac, but sometimes it takes a loved one to ask, "What in the fuck are you doing?" In terms of both Zac's career and my affection for him, The Lucky One is comparable to Channing Tatum and Dear John: after two big fat zeros in a row, I'm beginning to question whether or not my obsession is a tad out of control. Hopefully, Zac has a 21 Jump Street up his sleeve to revive my interest in his career and show us something we haven't seen yet. Or, at the very least, a film that doesn't make me want to burn my local cinema to the ground. F

The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: Zac Efron

Screw the Aryans! The Jews must be the superior race if this man is a member.

 

10 Things I Hate About New Year's Eve

I learned a lot about myself and life in general while watching New Year's Eve the other night. No, it was nothing in the movie that got me, even though it tried fucking hard to turn the holiday and the Ball Drop into a philosophical statement on life and beginnings and triumphing past adversity. Rather, I gleaned from the whole experience two important things. First, I need to start questioning my decision making skills now that I'm on a fixed income and don't have money to waste on absolute shit. Secondly, no matter how bad I make my life sound, it's still nowhere near as terrible as this film. New Year's Eve is an easy F, no bones about it, but let's countdown from 10 to 1 (Like on New Year's Eve...Get it? It's a very subtle metaphor for how the New Year holds all the promise for a fantastic year ahead!) the absolute worst things about this trash.

10. The Funniest Thing in the Movie Happens During the Credits

New Year's Eve was so lacking in actual jokes--Zefron & Sofia Vergara both wrung laughs out of their presence and way with words, not because of what was actually written--that the bloopers which accompanied the credits were actually funnier than anything in the movie. And it's pretty sad that Zefron dancing for a 90 seconds and a joke involving Jessica Biel giving birth to copies of Valentine's Day were the most memorable parts of the movie.

09. The Swankinator: Slaying Her Way to Oscar Glory Since 1999

Listen, I'll stan for the Swankinator and her shameless mugging for Oscar attention anytime, anywhere, but the girl cannot do comedy. She looks so bloody uncomfortable trying to be "loose" and "spontaneous". And I swear she was so rigid I thought at moments she was turning into Brandon Teena again. Plus, who else was looking forward to her hooking up Luda? Unlikeliest coupling in the history of couples? I think so!

08. Robert DeNiro: What a Debbie Downer

Not only was DeNiro saddled with the one depressing story line in the film, but the film cut to his story line at all of the most inappropriate places. Seriously, the film would go from a scene of Efron and Pfeiffer, being all charming and full of life, crossing off something on her Bucket List to DeNiro lying in his bed, hooked up to life support galore and decaying before our very eyes. I get that the screenwriter was trying to force some Really Important Topics into her fluffy screenplay, but cut to them at more appropriate times. It made DeNiro look like more of a buzzkill than he did in all of his Scorsese movies combined.

07. The Makeup

Abigail Breslin is a pretty girl, but she has an unusual face that could look almost alien without the proper attention. The makeup department's answer for this was to apparently slap a shit-ton of makeup and eyeliner on her so she looked like a small town transgendered teenage prostitute. And it's not like they were any nicer to the other ladies, most noticeably Katherine Heigl, who often looked like they had been Chris Browned right before the director started the scene.

06. The Slob & The Screeching Harpy

Would anyone seriously have minded if the elevator Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michele were trapped in had plummeted towards the Earth at 200 mph, spontaneously ignited in flames and burned them to a crisp before the metal in the elevator crushed their skeletons into a thousand pieces upon impact?

05. Forced Sentimentality

I understand that in a pure crowd pleaser such as New Year's Eve you need some kind of emotional pull to balance out the comedy; that's the nature of romantic comedies. But this film was really grasping at straws to pull any and all sentimentality out of whatever random situation the script found itself in. The entire movie, Josh Duhamel's character yammers about two things: this speech he has to make at a party and some girl he met the previous New Year's Eve that he may or may not meet again. We find out he's the heir to some record label empire and he's making the speech at the company's New Year's party. When he does give the speech, which he (of course) hasn't prepared for at all, he, for no reason other than to sneak a lot of sympathy, mentions his dead father and starts tearing up. The speech has absolutely nothing to do with his dad and is merely a SUBTLE cue for him to stop whoring it up with the sluts after him (who all seriously looked like 45-year-old Real Housewives) and go after the mystery girl. And then there's Halle Berry, whose mysterious New Year's date is a video chat with her soldier husband in Iraq. COME ON. Did we really need to throw in the war for more drama and conflict? Shameless, shameless, shameless (Although it did give me an opportunity to make a joke in the theatre. When the husband says, "I've only got a couple months left," I made the sound of a bomb exploding. Would you really put it past the makers of this film to have him die right before our very eyes? I mean, apparently the target audience is Nicholas Sparks fans, as evidenced by the two Sparks trailers before the movie).

04. Jon Bon Jovi? Is It 1988 Again?

When did Bon Jovi become relevant again? I have nothing against the man, and he's not any worse than any of the atrocious actors in this movie, but what? Can you talk about random, inappropriate casting? The dude is pushing 50, yet we're supposed to believe that not only 30-something Katherine Heigl is into him but also that he's this major rock star that teenage girls are willing to throw themselves at. On what planet is Bon Jovi as desirable as Justin Bieber to fifteen year old girls? Just because you fucked underage sluts in the 80's doesn't mean girls in 2011 know who the fuck you are, grandpa.

03. Do You Get The Theme?

New Year's Eve is a chance to reflect on the past year, the mistakes you've made, discern what you can improve on. It's also an opportunity to wish for the future, to hold out hope that the coming year will be your best ever and all your dreams will come true. In case you didn't get this from the opening voiceover (from either the Swankinator or Sarah Jessica Parker, I'm not sure), you will hear it repeated, ad nauseum, from a host of characters, old and young, important and tertiary. And then you'll hear the Swankinator repeat it in a press conference after a problem with the Ball is discovered, which leads me to...

02. The Fucking Ball

Why. The. Fuck. Was. Everyone. Going. On. And. On. About. That. Fucking. Ball? It's not a goddamn metaphor for anything, no matter how hard you try to make it one. And why the fuck is there a problem with it? Isn't it set up the same way every year? So much of the movie is consumed with the Ball and it's really a lot of pointless, wasted drama. Who gives a fuck?

01. The "Script"

Valentine's Day wasn't a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but it was passable entertainment and I found it quite amusing in parts. Both that film and New Year's Eve share the same writer, Katherine Fugate, but, in that year or so, it's as if she has lost any sense of comedy she may have once had. Like I said before, the film is literally devoid of jokes. Anything that's funny in the film is because of the actors and the actors alone. They get absolutely no help from any other source. I'm sure Valentine's Day wasn't the laugh riot I'm remembering it to be, and I'm sure it was just as unbearably saccharine sweet, but something was obviously distracting from its awfulness. And that something is nowhere to be found in the joyless, painful script for New Year's Eve. Look, I didn't expect the world from New Year's Eve, but when you aren't even at the same level as Valentine's Day, or Bride Wars for that matter, you know there's a problem.

What I'm Thankful for This Turkey Day...

I'm actually thankful for this whole movie, obviously, but this scene is perhaps (it changes daily) my favorite in the entire movie. I can't wait to try this out whenever someone accuses me of being drunk.

By the way, it should be noted that I am always thankful for this. But it never hurts to celebrate it whenever possible:

In Which I Celebrate Zac Efron's 24th Birthday

Zac's 23rd birthday came and went last year with nary a mention on this blog, so I felt I had to make it up to him on his 24th this year. Nothing will ever top my tribute to him on his 22nd birthday, but I wasn't going to just throw in the towel. Here are a few of my favorite Zefron GIFs, celebrating his beautiful face, his dorkiness, his gyrating hips and, most importantly, his oh-so-kissable lips. Happy birthday, Mr. Efron, you SEXY BEAST!

10 Most Anticipated Performances This Fall

The fall season is upon this and with the changing leaves comes the Oscar season. So long, superheroes, hello, adults with problems! Needless to say, it's usually my favorite time of the year (although this spring and early summer will probably give the next few months a run for their money). To celebrate this season's commencement, I thought I would change things up a bit and share the performances I'm looking forward to the mos. Here they are in no particular order: 

Keira Knightley, A Dangerous Method

Since A Dangerous Method's premiere at Venice, the words "loud" and "in-your-face" have been used almost exclusively to describe Knightley's performance. Reaction has been mixed as to whether or not it works, but I absolutely love gutsy, go-for-broke performances. And Knightley has only grown in my esteem since Atonement.

Michael Fassbender, Shame

I could say that I'm mostly excited for this performance because Fassy is reteaming with his Hunger director Steve McQueen, but we all know I'd be lying. As soon as I heard the words "full frontal," my ticket was already bought. But Fassy is a great actor and he has been receiving rave reviews for this performance, so I'd be interested in this performance even if we didn't get a glimpse of the goods.

Sandra Bullock, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I don't care what anyone says, I'm still proudly a member of Team Sandy and her Oscar win back in 2009. This is why I'm curious to see if her first post-Oscar film will continue my fascination with this woman. Provided Stephen Daldry's adaptation of this acclaimed novel hits the right notes, I don't think Sandy will have a problem nailing this.

Armie Hammer, J. Edgar

The recent trailer left me cold, but if it did nothing else, it certainly raised my already considerable interest in Armie's performance in this film. The way I'm reading the trailer, he's playing the supportive wife role, which makes me smile because the thought of 6 foot 5 Aryan God Armie Hammer playing the docile supporting wife is hilarious in its own right. Plus he gets a shouting scene! Can you say "Oscar clip"? If we couldn't get Andy Garfield a nom last year, this should be an easier sell, right?

Kirsten Dunst, Melancholia

Lars von Trier has a way with actresses that is almost unparalleled (hello, Nicole Kidman in Dogville!). The fact that he decided to work with as unlikely of an actress as Dunst, whom will always be in my good graces for Bring It On alone, makes me think that he saw something truly special in her that will translate well in his apocalyptic film.

Charlize Theron, Young Adult

Theron has never been a favorite actress of mine (my three favorite performances of her are Monster, the "Crossfire" music video and that Dior ad where she undresses as she walks through a long corridor), but I know a lot of people who love and trust her even when her filmography might not warrant such devotion. The real story here is screenwriter Diablo Cody, who made even the insufferable Megan Fox temporarily interesting in Jennifer's Body. If she can work that same magic with the much more tolerable Charlize Theron in this film about a divorced loser returning home to rekindle an old romance, the results will be golden.

Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene

The fact that a member of the Olsen clan who is not one of the Olsen Twins is getting Oscar buzz is enough for me. What a delicious little story: sister of billionaire media moguls wows in low budget indie film.

Zac Efron, New Year's Eve

A bit of a silly choice, I know. But it has simply been far too long with out Efron on our movie screens (about 16 months by the time this comes out). On the plus side, New Year's Eve is a comedy, which is truly Efron's forte and Garry Marshall was able to get at least one interesting performance out of his last film in this vein, Valentine's Day.

Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

I have to say I'm mostly curious about watching the introverted, cerebral Williams portray an actress like Monroe, who achieved stardom with charm, warmth and massive sex appeal. The result could either be a beautiful disaster or a triumph. I, for one, am intrigued either way.

Jason Segel & Amy Adams, The Muppets

I was going to pick Sterling Knight & Selena Gomez as the duo from this film I'm most excited about, but I realize that they are probably only cameo roles and I don't want to get overexcited for 90 seconds of screentime. I don't, however, want to make it sound like I'm not interested in the main romance between Segel & Adams. These two are adorable on their own, so I don't know if we can handle their combined adorableness. I'm certainly willing to try, though.

Vanessa Hudgens is Stealing All the Men

First she dated Zac for what felt like ten million years. Then she started "hanging out" with her new co-star Josh Hutcherson. Now she was spotted backstage with former co-star Aaron Tveit after a performance of his show Catch Me If You Can. Enough is enough. We need to keep this unfortunate harpy away from all the hot men. Who's next, Vanessa? Are you gonna pull a Victoria Justice and pretend you are dating Nicky Hoult? I hear Michael Fassbender is into younger women. But, oh no, what's to stop her from only preying on the straight guys? She may be concocting a rumor as we speak that she has turned poor ole Joe McElderry straight. His singles flopped harder than Floptina's and he got dropped by his record label; hasn't he suffered enough?! Drastic measures need to be taken to stop this madwoman from ruining these men. Mothers, lock up your hot sons--no need to worry about the ugly ones--and protect them from this horrible, horrible succubus known as Vanessa Hudgens. If ever we needed Obama to unite this country on one issue, this is it. Yes we can stop Vanessa. Yes we can.

A Little Birthday Presentation for My Dear Samantha

One of my best friends in the world turns 23 today and I thought I'd celebrate in the only way I know how: hot boys. I went through and picked out movies we went to either for a hot actor or where we discovered a hot actor. I'm sure I'm forgetting something but it's hard to keep my thoughts in order when I'm looking at pictures of Andy, Jakey and Zac. Happy Birthday, Sammi!

My Lovely, Oscar-Winning, Cameo-Filled Dream

As a movie-lover for the better part of the past decade, I have had many a daydream about someday winning an Oscar. Despite the fact that my best shot at winning one would be in the writing categories, I often dream big and imagine snagging an acting trophy. We can try and pretend that the other awards are just as glamorous and important as the acting awards but there's a reason the Best Sound Editing winner gets cut off after 30 seconds while Natalie Portman gets to ramble for four minutes. My dream for the past year has been to be discovered by a director, become his lover/muse, let him mold me into a proper actor and snag an Oscar for my troubles. This is all despite the fact that I have no control over my facial expressions or my voice. Hey, no one said it was going to be easy.

The reason I bring this all up is because last night I had an amazing dream where I won an acting Oscar. Best Supporting Actor, to be more specific. But, curiously enough, I don't remember the moment where I was awarded the prize specifically happening; the dream only covered before and after the big moment. If we're being honest, the dream actually started in Britain on the eve of the outbreak of World War II. I was a student and one of my classmates was Zac Efron. I'm pretty sure we were dating and other classmates knew and accepted it, which is surprising since pre-War Britain was not exactly the friendliest towards homosexuals (not that any society really was, to be fair). Anyways, the only part I really remember from this part was a moment where Zac was being chastised by someone in the middle of class and he was about ready to start sobbing. I was also in the class, sitting with a couple of my friends. They were asking why I didn't rush over and comfort him. I launched into this beautiful monologue about how I had no idea how to comfort someone, how I would feel awkward putting an arm on his shoulder and telling him that everything would be okay. Basically, I loved him but I had no idea how to express it. It was a tender moment that I wasn't sure how it fit in with the rest of the dream but I finally figured it out: this must have been my Oscar clip! You know, the scene they play right before they announce the winner. It sounds like the perfect moment if I was going for the supportive girlfriend nomination that happens nearly every year (not usually in Supporting Actor, but you catch my drift).

Apparently the clip worked because the next morning I was at my house with my little gold man in tow. What really surprised me was the fact that I wasn't taking my Oscar everywhere I went. I always figured that after I won, that little statue would be coming into the bathroom with me. I would not let anyone forget for a second that I was a fucking Academy Award-winner. If someone disagreed with me, I'd shove that Oscar in their face and say, "Do you have an Oscar? What's that? You don't? Then your opinion means nothing!" In other words, I'd be even more obnoxious than I already am. In the dream, however, I was surprisingly chill. I walked outside and started talking to my neighbor Emmy-winner Jane Lynch. She was filming a new sitcom, a "celebreality" parody show, in her own house. We had a wooden fence between our yards, much like the one between the Taylors and Wilson on Home Improvement, and bantered for quite a bit. At some point previously, I had guest starred on her show and I made a particularly amusing quip about how she had to write her lines on my car mirror because she couldn't remember them when I was on her show. Okay, so it's not quite so good in retrospect but it worked in the dream. Maybe Jane was just in awe of my Oscar?

After that delicious snark session, a previous Oscar-winner stopped by to congratulate me: Christian Bale, of all people! I'm pretty sure he still had that horrible beard nonsense going on, which is a shame, but I still appreciated the gesture. What slayed me about his visit, though, was the fact that he called my acceptance speech "sassy." Ha! Can you imagine Christian Bale calling anything sassy, let alone an acceptance speech by little ole me?



When Bale left, I went back to my BFF Jane Lynch for some girl talk. She was taking a break from shooting with a new guest star: Candice Bergen. Yes, Murphy Brown herself was also in my dream. I told you this was an all-star ensemble! Candice was everything you'd expect her to be with that voice and that disapproving sarcasm. The way Jane and Candice were talking, it kinda reminded me of the episode of Will and Grace where Candice Bergen makes a cameo as Karen's best friend/arch nemesis.

As I was leaving Jane and Candice and heading back into my house, I half-jokingly mentioned that I was disappointed I hadn't heard from Oprah yet about doing an interview since I was a hot shot Oscar winner. I know I said I was half-joking but, come on, this is me we're talking about. You know that I would win an Oscar just so I could sit down and have a conversation with Oprah. Well, after I had been home for a bit, I heard a knock at my back door. I went to answer and there were two people standing there, one holding a camera and another holding up some kind of monitor. They turned the monitor on and who do you think appeared, ready to speak with me about my Oscar win?


Up until this point, I had been really cool about winning the damn Oscar. When I saw that face, though, I completely lost it. I screamed, "OPRAHHHHHHH!" in the highest-pitched voice you can imagine. It would be totally embarrassing if it wasn't me we were talking about. Just imagine what I would have done if she had actually been there?

This is where my dream ended, unfortunately, as I had to get up and go to work. How dare they interrupt Our Lord and Savior trying to interview an Oscar winner?! Sorry if this was completely long-winded and dumb but I thought it was just so ridiculous and specific that I had to share it. Now I need to plot how I'm going to win my own Oscar.

The Bitch is Gone

Today's announcement that Zac Efron and his longtime girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens had called it quits was like an early Christmas present. No, wait, it was actually more like a hug from Baby Jesus. Actually, it was like a hug from Our Lord and Savior Oprah after appearing on her Favorite Things episode and winning a trip around the world on a plane piloted by Betty White and Mariah Carey. He's finally free of that soul-sucking harpy, y'all! Let's take a moment to let it sink in.

...

Feels good, doesn't it? Now he can go out and do what boys his age should be doing: going out to the bar, getting drunk and scoring some hot pieces of ass. We hear that Joe McElderry is ready and willing. Your move, Efron.

About a Banner

In case you haven't noticed, I decided to change my banner. I liked my last one well enough, but it was more because I couldn't find my Photoshop CD after my computer died and I couldn't find a replacement program to make a new one that prevented me from making a new one. Thinking about it now, ten months was a ridiculous amount of time for that silly banner. But that's old news and we are on to something fresh. And that something fresh is my new banner, complete with pictures of Steve Sandvoss (of Latter Days fame), Andrew Garfield, Nick Jonas, Zac Efron and Timothy Hutton (from Ordinary People, of course). But what do they have in common? I posed this question on my Twitter a few hours ago, but only one person (@jdjudge, natch) knew the correct answer. This outcome isn't too surprising given that my theme is kinda dirty and really personal. But, still, this is me we're talking about. When have I ever shut up? So, without further ado, the banner theme is....

.......

My fetishes and fantasies!

Okay, are you still with me? I hope you let me explain before you leave all repulsed. Going from left to right, here is a breakdown of the banner:

• Hot Mormon Fantasy
• Guys with Sexhair
• Guys in Baseball Uniforms
• Guys on Motorcycles
• Emotionally Damaged Boys

So, yes, you've gained an insight into what turns me on. Don't ever say this blog wasn't educational. What do you think of the new banner? And, more importantly, if you were to make a banner with this same theme, what would you include on it?

Zac's Beard

Every time I see a new headline about Zac's beard, I get confused. WHICH ONE ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

(By the way, am I the only one kinda digging his facial hair? I think it works even better with those sunglasses. Mmmmm, sexy scruff.)

Rants on Charlie St. Cloud

A film about a young man who loses his brother in a car accident and spends the next few years wallowing alone in self-pity, grief and guilt trying to reconcile what happened may not be the general public's cup of tea, but to me, a fellow with an intense attraction to emotionally damaged boys and who has seen Ordinary People more times than any human ever should, this sounds like a "can't miss." So why then does Charlie St. Cloud (Burr Steers, 2010) feel so pedestrian and ordinary when the plot and the lead actor--heartthrob Zac Efron in his first true dramatic role--suggest that something potentially interesting could have been made out of this film? I'm laying blame with Steers himself who, after getting lucky with an extraordinary cast in the otherwise inept 17 Again, has once again proven incapable of challenging his actors and the audience alike beyond the typical genre fare. Missed opportunities to push both his star and the film to new, potentially uncomfortable places are abundant and increasingly hard to ignore.

Perhaps the most glaringly missed opportunity is the relationship between Charlie (Efron) and his younger brother Sam (Charlie Tahan, not as annoying as you'd expect), which is so rushed in order to get to the tragedy sooner you never get a complete feel for how their relationship works. There are hints that the relationship between them has, because of their age gap, has become more like a father and son rather than one between brothers. In fact, Charlie has more or less assumed the paternal role in the family since he not only doles out advice and support to Sam in lieu of their absent father but he also takes it upon himself to be an emotional crutch for their hardworking mother (Kim Basinger). When the trio goes to Charlie's high school graduation, not only is Charlie the one driving the car, the typical fatherly responsibility, but he also comforts his mother when she is self-conscious about her dress when she sees all the rich bitch mothers in their designer clothes. But before Steers can expand on this in any detail, the film is ready to move on to the tragedy with a dismaying swiftness. Whatever tears the film jerks, it doesn't earn at all. We don't get to know these characters well enough to even begin to feel for their loss at that moment.

After a car accident kills Sam, Charlie sees the ghost of his dead brother and decides to give up a sailing scholarship at Stanford to stay at home and keep a promise he made with him to help him practice baseball. When the film picks up after the funeral, Charlie has been doing this for five years already. Their first couple scenes together show them having a good time in the mud and flying a toy plane over the river, but quickly you get the sense that their relationship isn't all hunky dory. There are a couple of moments where, instead of fulfilling something missing in Charlie's life, Sam's ghost has become more of a nagging inconvenience, an obligation he must fulfill so his brother won't resent him. But does Charlie actually feel this way? He has every right to since he has more or less given up his entire life to spend time with Sam. But just as soon as Charlie St. Cloud raises this potentially interesting issue, it quickly drops it in favor of gooey sentimentality which has been done better in countless other movies. Unfortunately, as the film moves forward, this becomes the status quo: missing potentially unique ideas and emotions in favor of what has already been done before.

An even better example of this is the role of the ghosts in Charlie St. Cloud. Besides Sam, Charlie sees the ghost of two other characters, one being a high school friend who died in Iraq (Dave Franco) and the other, well, is a potential spoiler so I shall not reveal. The point it, however, Charlie is surrounded by ghosts of all sorts but we have no idea where they come from. Are they supernatural apparitions á la The Ghost Whisperer? Are they figments of Charlie's subconscious? If they are all in Charlie's mind, are they a way to combat his self-imposed loneliness/isolation or are they connected to his guilt for "killing" his brother? Who knows; the movie sure as hell doesn't, nor does it really care to answer these questions for that would make the audience think and we wouldn't want that. Cheap tears are all Charlie St. Cloud is aiming for and it can not even deliver on that front.


As he did with 17 Again, Burr Steers places a lot of the burden of Charlie St. Cloud on the shoulders of star Zac Efron with decidedly mixed results this go-around. This isn't to say that Efron is the problem; if anything, he's the only reason this film works in any of the limited ways it does. The problem is that Efron is trying to push himself and the material in unchartered territories but is ultimately stifled by Steers' attempt at middlebrow emotionality. There are brief flashes of imagination on Efron's part, such as his line about being a werewolf to try and break the ice with a girl he's been set up with or his line reading of "Are you serious?!" to The Girl of the movie when they are discussing boat propellers. These moments suggest Efron's awkwardness around people now that he doesn't interact with them on a regular basis and are instrumental in moving the character beyond one-dimensional sad and lonely archetypes. But Steers isn't interested in this and, instead, aims to express Charlie's inner torment by having him stare off into the distance as much as possible. A lot of critics hated this approach, and while it's obviously the least appropriate or interesting way to go about it, I think Efron does a fine job handling this. Granted this may be because I think Efron has the most beautiful face on the planet and could stare at it for hours, but I believe he and the camera have a special, intimate relationship. In my High School Musical 3: Senior Year review, I waxed on about him capturing the camera's attention in the same way Garbo, Dietrich and Monroe all did in their hey-day. Especially after Charlie St. Cloud, I now realize that I may have went overboard in that analysis, but I do believe that Efron has the makings of a true movie star. The way I would describe his talent now, though, is to compare him to Jean-Pierre Léaud in the opening scene of Masculin féminin. JPL spends the first five or so minutes observing the people coming in and out of the restaurant he's in and writing in his notebook, not once uttering a word. He's utterly compelling not doing anything and this is where I see Efron in the future. He has the talent and the ability, he just needs to find a director willing to take a chance. D+

Oh Daddy

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
(Especially to the hot daddies)

2009 Diva Cup Awards: The "Extra" Categories

Who said May was too late to start my year-end Diva Cup Awards for 2009? Everyone? Oh well. You all know I'm no slave to timelines and I decided this year particularly that I wasn't going to rush myself into "finishing" the year by some certain date. I wanted to stop and smell the roses, so to speak, and relish the year in filmmaking. It turns out I chose the wrong year to do that, but that's neither here nor there. Anyways, let's get this motherfucker started, shall we? First up are my "extra" awards, the categories you won't see in the Oscar broadcast but are simply too awesome to resist honoring.

Best Ensemble

Adventureland
[Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Margarita Levieva, Ryan Reynolds, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Matt Bush, Martin Starr]


The Brothers Bloom
[Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz, Mark Ruffalo, Rinko Kikuchi]


In the Loop
[Peter Capaldi, Tom Hollander, Olivia Poulet, Chris Addison, Mimi Kennedy, Anna Chlumsky, James Gandolfini, David Rasche, Zach Woods]


Inglourious Basterds
[Brad Pitt, Christoph Waltz, Mélanie Laurent, Diane Kruger, Michael Fassbender, Daniel Brühl]


Star Trek
[Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban, Anton Yelchin, John Cho, Eric Bana, Simon Pegg, Leonard Nimoy]


And the Diva Cup Goes to: The Brothers Bloom

Best Scene

(500) Days of Summer
Reality/Fantasy
Description: Summer invites Tom to her party months after breaking up and recently reconnecting. Tom imagines the situation going one way, while, in a split screen, we see what actually happens.

In this heartbreaking scene, the truth emerges: the once perfect relationship is truly over. Reality is a total bitch.

Away We Go
Finale
Description: The couple finally decides on the perfect place to raise their child.

Sniffle. Who knew that the usual quirkiness was all leading up to this pitch-perfect emotional finale?

An Education
Miss Stubbs Confronts Jenny
Description: Sensing that usually bright Jenny is putting her valuable education on hold for a her beau, Miss Stubbs decides to offer some (apparently unwanted) advice.

In a movie full of two-dimensional adults who just don't "get" Jenny, Miss Stubbs quiet confrontation proves that someone is truly looking out for her needs.

Obsessed
The Catfight
Description: Ali Larter touched her child, so B decides to take out her pent up aggression on Larter's face in the most insanely glorious catfight ever captured on film.

I was laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants. This is what camp cinema is all about.

A Single Man
George and Charley's Dance
Description: Old friends George and Charley let loose for a few moments as they dance to a hip new song.

The simple moment speaks volumes about the nature of George and Charley's relationship. They've been through it all together and are so comfortable in each others presence they can make an ass out of themselves and not give a crap.

And the Diva Cup Goes to: Obsessed

Best Musical Scene


(500) Days of Summer
"You Make My Dreams"
The perfect exaltation of love and happiness after the first night with someone you love.


Adventureland
"Don't Dream It's Over"
This clip is sadly unavailable, but it's the moment that I realized Adventureland was truly something special. "Don't Dream It's Over" perfectly captures this sentimental mood and seems to raise more questions about Kristen Stewart's character than it answers.



Nine
"A Call From the Vatican"
Oh, hi there! Glad to see you could make it, penis. This is something, huh?



Nine
"Take It All"
The perfect "fuck you" moment ever captured on film.



Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself
"Rock Steady"
Done with such authority and conviction, I couldn't believe Henson was lip syncing. Bonus points for rocking that fro!


And the Diva Cup Goes to: Adventureland

Best Quote

In the Loop
"Is that why you said, 'Climbing the mountain of conflict'? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews."
Peter Capaldi is quite possibly the greatest swearer on the planet, but he didn't need to drop an f-bomb to make this quote vividly funny.


The Lovely Bones
"You have a TOMB in the middle of your HOUSE!"
I have no idea how Sarandon fits in with the whole of The Lovely Bones but her line delivery here is top notch.


Nine
"Because I have no more/There's nothing left to give"
Luisa's mega outburst in "Take It All" excellently sums up just how drained she is dealing with him and this "marriage."


Obsessed
"You listen to me. You know who this is. You came into my house? You touched my child? You think you're crazy? I'll show you crazy. Just try me. Bitch."
Beyoncé, I surrender! As soon as she uttered this line, her performance was never quite the same. The film may have been a trainwreck, but she was not going quietly into the night.


Precious
"Love ain't done nothin' for me...but beat me, rape me, call me an animal! Make me feel worthless."
Not gonna lie, I almost teared up here. Sidibe's reading of this line is positively heartbreaking.

And the Diva Cup Goes to: Obsessed

Breakthrough Performance



Sharlto Copley, District 9
Anchors a tough sci-fi action movie with sharp political messages on his shoulders like a regular Tom Cruise or Will Smith (except, you know, talented).











Sterling Knight, 17 Again
Before I knew what a Chad Dylan Cooper was, Sterling Knight impressed the hell out of me as Zac Efron's son in 17 Again. Ignoring the usual child actor beats you'd expect in a film like this, Knight is legitimately funny, continuously pushing his co-stars to match his natural delivery.









Mélanie Laurent, Inglourious Basterds
Taking over the reigns from Uma Thurman as QT's figurehead is no easy task. Laurent, however, bravely accepts the challenge and strikes some fierce poses along the way. Acting with your body taken to the extreme.








Carey Mulligan, An Education
And you all thought I hated her, huh? I must admit that I still don't quite get all the "She deserved the Oscar, damnit!" hoopla that surrounded her all last season. With that being said, I believe she has potential for greatness. An Education was just a beginning, so let's hope she improves.









Gabourey Sidibe, Precious
What I love most about Gabby is the fact that after giving an almost impenetrable performance in Precious, she bombarded the awards circuit with her effervescent personality. The two sides of her almost don't mix but shows that she offers an array of possibilities in the future.

And the Diva Cup Goes to: Gabourey Sidibe, Precious

Best Diva

Taraji P. Henson as April in Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself
Diva Moment: Her angry reaction to continuously being woken up after a long night at the club (and sleeping with her married beau).


Rinko Kikuchi as Bang Bang in The Brothers Bloom
Diva Moment: Her soundless giggles after blowing shit up.


Diane Kruger as Bridget von Hammersmark in Inglourious Basterds
Diva Moment: Her general demeanor--playful, overly nice to her fans--during the bar scene. She has no over-the-top moments, but her attitude here betrays the fact that she's seen it all...twice.


Susan Sarandon as Grandma Lynn in The Lovely Bones
Diva Moment: The cleaning montage--Grandma attempts to perform an variety of household chores with a ciggy dangling out of her mouth and a drink never out of reach.


Tilda Swinton as Julia in Julia
Diva Moment: The opening scene--a drunken Julia gets lost in the music (and numerous men).

And the Diva Cup Goes to: Rinko Kikuchi, The Brothers Bloom

Best Sexpot

Penélope Cruz, Nine
Hottest Scene: 'A Call From the Vatican' turned me straight momentarily.


Zac Efron, 17 Again
Hottest Scene: I was literally swooning during the opening moments with Efron shooting hoops shirtless.


Nicholas Hoult, A Single Man
Hottest Scene: Slyly baring his ass in front of Colin Firth.


Taylor Lautner, Twilight Saga: New Moon
Hottest Scene: Sitting on Bella's bed, shirtless, just taunting her (and us in the audience!) with his raw sexuality. I nearly passed out.


Chris Pine, Star Trek
Hottest Scene: Sexin' that alien chick. Lord how I wanted to trade places with her--green skin and all.

And the Diva Cup Goes to: Taylor Lautner, Twilight Saga: New Moon

Best Cameo/Limited Performance




Steve Buscemi, The Messenger
A moving performance that travels a wide gamut of emotions in a short period of time. Buscemi, ever the old pro, makes it look easy.











Mariah Carey, Precious
Ditches the vanity and her diva persona for a beautifully down-to-earth performance. She listens, she absorbs, she reacts but never once steals the thunder from Sidibe or Mo'Nique. Glitter who?








Sally Hawkins, An Education
She only appears for a brief moment of time, but Hawkins provides a pivotal moment of clarity for both Mulligan's character and the film as a whole.










Anna Kendrick, Twilight Saga: New Moon
Clever, precise and uproariously funny. I nearly peed my pants during her line reading of "Movies with Bella? Funnnnn." A much better representation of Kendrick's talents than her Oscar-nominated work in Up in the Air.









Catherine O'Hara, Away We Go
Brings her usual hilarious self to propel Krasinski & Rudolph's journey toward self-discovery.

And the Diva Cup Goes to: Mariah Carey, Precious

Best Poster





Antichrist
Snip snip! A delicious in-joke.











Funny People
I'm not sure why I'm so attached to this poster, but I find it completely adorable.











The Headless Woman
Says more about the film than you'd ever guess a poster could. The way she's turned away from the camera shows just how disconnected the character is from her world.










The Informant!
It's this year's House Bunny: a completely stupid expression selling an entire film.












Precious
The poster is a work of art on its own. Beautifully abstract.

And the Diva Cup Goes to: The Headless Woman