My Lovely, Oscar-Winning, Cameo-Filled Dream

As a movie-lover for the better part of the past decade, I have had many a daydream about someday winning an Oscar. Despite the fact that my best shot at winning one would be in the writing categories, I often dream big and imagine snagging an acting trophy. We can try and pretend that the other awards are just as glamorous and important as the acting awards but there's a reason the Best Sound Editing winner gets cut off after 30 seconds while Natalie Portman gets to ramble for four minutes. My dream for the past year has been to be discovered by a director, become his lover/muse, let him mold me into a proper actor and snag an Oscar for my troubles. This is all despite the fact that I have no control over my facial expressions or my voice. Hey, no one said it was going to be easy.

The reason I bring this all up is because last night I had an amazing dream where I won an acting Oscar. Best Supporting Actor, to be more specific. But, curiously enough, I don't remember the moment where I was awarded the prize specifically happening; the dream only covered before and after the big moment. If we're being honest, the dream actually started in Britain on the eve of the outbreak of World War II. I was a student and one of my classmates was Zac Efron. I'm pretty sure we were dating and other classmates knew and accepted it, which is surprising since pre-War Britain was not exactly the friendliest towards homosexuals (not that any society really was, to be fair). Anyways, the only part I really remember from this part was a moment where Zac was being chastised by someone in the middle of class and he was about ready to start sobbing. I was also in the class, sitting with a couple of my friends. They were asking why I didn't rush over and comfort him. I launched into this beautiful monologue about how I had no idea how to comfort someone, how I would feel awkward putting an arm on his shoulder and telling him that everything would be okay. Basically, I loved him but I had no idea how to express it. It was a tender moment that I wasn't sure how it fit in with the rest of the dream but I finally figured it out: this must have been my Oscar clip! You know, the scene they play right before they announce the winner. It sounds like the perfect moment if I was going for the supportive girlfriend nomination that happens nearly every year (not usually in Supporting Actor, but you catch my drift).

Apparently the clip worked because the next morning I was at my house with my little gold man in tow. What really surprised me was the fact that I wasn't taking my Oscar everywhere I went. I always figured that after I won, that little statue would be coming into the bathroom with me. I would not let anyone forget for a second that I was a fucking Academy Award-winner. If someone disagreed with me, I'd shove that Oscar in their face and say, "Do you have an Oscar? What's that? You don't? Then your opinion means nothing!" In other words, I'd be even more obnoxious than I already am. In the dream, however, I was surprisingly chill. I walked outside and started talking to my neighbor Emmy-winner Jane Lynch. She was filming a new sitcom, a "celebreality" parody show, in her own house. We had a wooden fence between our yards, much like the one between the Taylors and Wilson on Home Improvement, and bantered for quite a bit. At some point previously, I had guest starred on her show and I made a particularly amusing quip about how she had to write her lines on my car mirror because she couldn't remember them when I was on her show. Okay, so it's not quite so good in retrospect but it worked in the dream. Maybe Jane was just in awe of my Oscar?

After that delicious snark session, a previous Oscar-winner stopped by to congratulate me: Christian Bale, of all people! I'm pretty sure he still had that horrible beard nonsense going on, which is a shame, but I still appreciated the gesture. What slayed me about his visit, though, was the fact that he called my acceptance speech "sassy." Ha! Can you imagine Christian Bale calling anything sassy, let alone an acceptance speech by little ole me?



When Bale left, I went back to my BFF Jane Lynch for some girl talk. She was taking a break from shooting with a new guest star: Candice Bergen. Yes, Murphy Brown herself was also in my dream. I told you this was an all-star ensemble! Candice was everything you'd expect her to be with that voice and that disapproving sarcasm. The way Jane and Candice were talking, it kinda reminded me of the episode of Will and Grace where Candice Bergen makes a cameo as Karen's best friend/arch nemesis.

As I was leaving Jane and Candice and heading back into my house, I half-jokingly mentioned that I was disappointed I hadn't heard from Oprah yet about doing an interview since I was a hot shot Oscar winner. I know I said I was half-joking but, come on, this is me we're talking about. You know that I would win an Oscar just so I could sit down and have a conversation with Oprah. Well, after I had been home for a bit, I heard a knock at my back door. I went to answer and there were two people standing there, one holding a camera and another holding up some kind of monitor. They turned the monitor on and who do you think appeared, ready to speak with me about my Oscar win?


Up until this point, I had been really cool about winning the damn Oscar. When I saw that face, though, I completely lost it. I screamed, "OPRAHHHHHHH!" in the highest-pitched voice you can imagine. It would be totally embarrassing if it wasn't me we were talking about. Just imagine what I would have done if she had actually been there?

This is where my dream ended, unfortunately, as I had to get up and go to work. How dare they interrupt Our Lord and Savior trying to interview an Oscar winner?! Sorry if this was completely long-winded and dumb but I thought it was just so ridiculous and specific that I had to share it. Now I need to plot how I'm going to win my own Oscar.

Katy's Voice Makes 'Em Go "Uh, Uh, Ew"

For a lot of people, the PS 22 choir that closed this year's Oscar ceremony with a "rousing" and "inspirational" performance of 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' was one of the show's highlights. I'm immune to this sort of corny, cheeseball fluff so I thought it was a grand waste of time, but that's just me. Anyways, Oprah did her annual after Oscar special live from the Kodak Theatre and to close her own show, she brought back the PS 22 choir to sing another inspirational song. I was watching the show with my mother and both of us were only vaguely paying attention until I heard the now infamous opening lyric "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?" Yes, the PS 22 choir was singing Katy Perry's 'Firework' and I was about ready to bust out laughing. What an incredibly odd choice, especially for Oprah's extra special Oscar episode, but it's kinda fun, too.

Anyways, the choir is doing a fine job, singing their precious little hearts out. All of a sudden, this loud, completely off pitch shriek comes out of nowhere. My mom and I look at each other and we both say, "Who on Earth decided to mike the one choir member who can't sing for shit?" We were completely puzzled by this bad sonic decision when the curtain suddenly rises just in time for the first chorus and who should appear but...

Katy Perry

Listen, I've grown to appreciate Katy Perry in the past year--mainly because of this incident--and absolutely LOVE some of the tracks on her Teenage Dream album but girlfriend cannot sing live, especially a song like 'Firework' which calls for big high notes. She tries really hard but Katy absolutely needs an army of backup singers to drown out the horrible shrieking that her live voice produces. Katy is great in the studio and has a great pop persona but she seriously needs to take the Britney route and start lip syncing.

Here's the full video so you can witness the hilarity:

I Am Liz Lemon #3

A new semi-regular series in which I point out moments from Liz Lemon's life that have either happened to me in the past or are currently happening to me in my own life. This will be the ultimate proof that, once and for all, I am Liz Lemon.

"So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?"

"I just pretty much do whatever Oprah tells me to."

Debbie Gets the Last Laugh

Carrie Fisher: "He [Eddie Fisher] consoled her [Elizabeth Taylor] with flowers. And, ultimately, he consoled her with his penis."

Happy Birthday Oprah (Oh and it's My Second Anniversary!)

Let's all stop whatever we are doing and take a moment to give thanks to Our Lord and Saviour, Oprah Winfrey on her birthday today. Just remember: without her, we're nothing. We owe all of our successes to her and her giving nature.

Oh, and by some random act of God....er, Oprah, the second anniversary of Rants of a Diva is also today. Hooray! Thank you, my lovely readers, for your continuing support and enthusiasm in the comments. Without you, I probably would have given this up ages ago, but it's always a pleasure checking my email and seeing even just one or two comments. I'm also grateful that this excursion has connected me with fellow cinephiles from around the world that I never would spoken with otherwise. I love hearing about their opinions and lives outside of the blogosphere and I hope that I will get to talk with more of you in the coming year!

So, as tradition stipulates- although I'm not really sure it's technically a "tradition" after only one year- here are my 21 favorite and best posts from the past year. I hope you take the time to re-read some favorites, discover some hidden gems you may have missed or, if you're new to the site, figure out what exactly is going on in my head. Enjoy, and I hope to keep seeing you in the coming year!

1. Rants on Camp Rock
Apparently, this was quite popular with my readers. Who knew that the one thing everyone could agree on was their hatred of the Brothers Jonas and their incredibly awful made-for-Disney movie?

2. Top 10 Victoria Beckham Quotes from Spice World
The most underrated performance of the 90's, in my opinion, gets the star treatment here as I dissect Victoria Beckham (Adams at the time of this movie) and her delicious comedic timing on odd lines like "...and then there's the little ginger one, full of useless information...about manta rays."

3. Rants on Stolen Kisses
My love for both François Truffaut and Jean-Pierre Léaud grew into an unhealthy obsession after watching Stolen Kisses this past summer. On top of all that, the film also made me understand the public's obsession with sequels and why they can never seem to get enough; too bad very few sequels are even close to being this good.

4. Billy Shakespeare and Zac Efron
Who knew that a post in which I called Zeffirelli's 1968 version of Romeo & Juliet (even after I had seen Baz's version) the best ever made and said that Shakespeare was hella overrated would be my most controversial? Not me.

5. La Tisdale Oscar Campaign
Enjoy this series of posts devoted to getting my beloved La Tisdale an Oscar nomination for High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Even if it proved ultimately futile, I still had a ton of fun on the way.

6. Rug Rats Blog-a-thon: Phillip Alford in To Kill a Mockingbird
My analysis of what I consider one of the greatest child performances of all time- and I normally find child actors sickening- with an extra special surprise in the comments.

7. Rants on Twilight Based on the Overheard Comments of the Random Teenage Girl Sitting Next to Me
This review of Twilight definitely wouldn't have been possible without the offhand comments of the random Twilight fanatic who sat by me.

8. People Who Can Suck It: Katy Perry
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that Katy Perry is a homophobic piece of trash (even though I kinda like "Hot 'N Cold" now). "I Kissed a Girl" and "Ur So Gay" are abominations.

9. Blair Waldorf, Je T'aime
I loved Leighton Meester before, but this episode of Gossip Girl really sealed the deal for me. As I say to J.D. every week: "Where is this woman's Golden Globe/Emmy?"

10. Endings Blog-a-thon: Billy Elliot's Completely Sucky Ending
I absolutely LOVED hearing everyone's opinion about the slightly controversial ending to Billy Elliot- even if you completely disagreed with me. I hope we can get more of this type of discussion in the coming year.

11. 10 Things I Hate About Slumdog Millionaire
I realize it's only two weeks old, but I'm proud of it. If only this review could stop their impending Oscar win...

12. Rants on Mamma Mia!
A review so harsh and unrelentless that, when I showed it to my mother, she asked, sarcastically, "Wow, what did you really think about it?"

13. Great. Now Everyone Thinks I'm a Super-Stylized, Psycho Killing Machine
Over the summer, I bought two movies at the same time without even thinking about it, but, when I got home, I realized just how crazy I must have looked.

14. My (Vaguely Distracted) Thoughts on Never Back Down
I try to review Never Back Down but something else distracts me in the process.

15. I'm the Nicole Kidman
A random thought I had one day that I just had to share with you all. You're welcome?

16. Imaginary Boyfriends (and Girlfriends) of 2008
Wait a minute, you guys like seeing pictures of good looking men and women? Who knew?

17. New York Goes to Hollywood, You Skanky Ass Bitch
I realize that no one else cares about the lovely and talented Tiffany "Miss New York" Pollard, but I think I did a fine job of summing up the first episode of her latest reality show.

18. My Same Difference Obsession
Popjustice brought this brother and sister act to my attention and, after the release of Pop, it grew into an obsession. I'm actually grinning like a moron while I'm typing this sentence.

19. La Tisdale is Pissed (and Other Emmy News)
Oh shit! Take cover: La Tisdale isn't in contention for an Emmy nomination for High School Musical 2 while Vanessa Hudgens and Corbin Bleu are.

20. Movies About Movies Blog-a-thon: The Opening Scene of Day for Night
Just the tip of the iceberg of a movie so complex and intricate you would need to do a proper thesis to get everything out of it.

21. An Interrupted American Medley in My Heart
Forgotten stars of the 40's and 50's Eleanor Parker and Susan Hayward really deserve your attention. Even if the films I mention (Interrupted Melody and With a Song in My Heart) are two of their weakest, they are still absolutely fascinating to watch. Plus, Hayward's American medley is a real campy treat.

10 Things I Hate About Slumdog Millionaire

There's a scene towards the beginning of Slumdog Millionaire that, if you think about it, is really quite an apt metaphor for the film as a whole and my reaction to it. A young Indian boy named Jamal (played at this point by Ayush Mahesh Khedekar) is locked in an outdoor bathroom- which, in reality, is nothing more than a hole in the ground- by his angry brother because he drove away a paying customer. When a famous and beloved Bollywood star lands in a helicopter near the area, his brother leaves Jamal locked in the toilet and goes running towards the commotion that has arisen. Jamal beats on the door but no one can hear him. He then looks down at the hole in the ground and is forced to make a decision: miss the chance to meet his idol and stay clean or jump in the pile of shit and get his coveted autograph. Needless to say, Jamal decides on the latter and, drenched in feces and piss, runs up to the star and asks for the autograph.

Confused? Let me break it down: Slumdog Millionaire is Jamal at this moment, a film so eager to accomplish something so insignificant that it isn't aware that the journey it took to reach its destination was nothing more than a trek through a pile of shit.

Yeah, so I'm afraid I have to dissent from the Golden Globes, nearly every critic's organization in the country and a good majority of the nation's film critics/bloggers- Slumdog is one of the worst movies of the year and here are the ten main reasons why I hated it so much.

1. White Liberal Guilt
The first half in particular, in which the three young children are forced to survive on the mean streets of the slums of India, hinges on the hope that white Westerners will get choked up at the ordeals these kids are not only put through, but survive. You can almost hear Our Lord and Saviour, Oprah telling her audience full of white, middle-class housewives, "I've seen it peopleeeeeeee! This movie will change your life and give you hope!" You can imagine Brangelina at a private screening whispering to each other about how they need to adopt a little Indian baby next.

2. Structure
I'm not sure if the structure of the screenplay is based on the book the film is adapted from (I've never read it or ever intend to), but Simon Beaufoy's treatment is the laziest, most repetitive script of this Oscar season. There is nothing surprising about anything concerning the structure of the film: you know that with every question that is asked, we are going to get some long, turgid flashback that will "cleverly" show us the random, inexplicable moments in his life when the question was brought up. I can't believe this script is getting attention when there are so many other screenplays that also took chances with ordinary themes and subjects and took them in unparalleled- and unpredictable- places (Happy-Go-Lucky, In Bruges, The Visitor).

3. "Oh look, they're running again."
Was it just me or did the first two or three flashbacks consist of nothing but people running away for whatever reason? And considering that these flashbacks cover a good 10 to 15 minutes of the first 20 minutes, this could be a problem.

4. Obviousness
Okay, you would seriously need to be the densest person on the planet if you can't guess what the final question (or, at least, the subject of the final quesion) will be as soon as it was brought to our attention. The whole film seems to suffer from this- every theme and new idea is pounded into our heads with the subtletly of a jackhammer.

5. "When did they learn English?"
I'm sorry, but how in the hell did Jamal and his brother learn to speak English? Did I miss the scene where they stopped fending for their lives on the streets to go to school to get a proper education?

6. Dev Patel
I'm not saying he's a bad actor by any means and he was actually quite adorable at the Golden Globes, but isn't this the most overrated performance of the year? The role requires nothing more of Patel than to sit there, stare and act uncomfortable around everyone. It's an incredibly one-note role than no one could have done much with and yet a multitude of critics' organizations are citing him for Breakthrough Performance of the year? Say what?

7. Feelgood Film...?
...Maybe if you're a sadist and get turned on by electrocution, mass murder (in the name of God, at that!) and children being blinded.

8. I liked this movie better five years ago when it was called City of God
Glenn subtly mentioned this when he saw the film a couple of weeks ago and I just couldn't shake the comparisons. Fernando Meirelles' breakthrough was also about a Brazilian child of the slums who survives some pretty gruesome shit and, incredibly, escapes the dire poverty of his upbringing. The only major difference I can see is that, you know, City of God is actually a good movie and doesn't rely on mucky, inspirational fluff to get its message across.

9. Foreign Arthouse Film- Hollywood Style
Director Danny Boyle tries to give Slumdog some grit and arthouse credibility with his offbeat cinematography (check out those crazy colors, man!) and editing, but for all of it's attempts to be un-Hollywood, Slumdog is really a typical Oscar bait film. Instead of saying something new or daring about the lives of these children of the slums, the film tries to sucker you through "heart," "emotion" and "tears." I'm sure I'll hear in response to this post, "Oh, don't you feel bad for those poor children? You must have no soul if you weren't moved by Slumdog." Well, yes, I did feel bad for the children- no one should be forced to live like that- but I can name five more interesting films that say the same things about that topic as this film. What makes this one any better?

10. Critic Attention
This past Sunday at the Golden Globes, as I'm sure you're all well aware, Slumdog went 4/4, picking up Best Picture (Drama), Director, Screenplay (?!) and Original Score (the only aspect of the movie I liked). This was the precise moment when I realized I needed to say something. Have people lost their fucking minds? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but, Jesus Christ, all the critics are acting like they've never seen a film before this one. Danny Boyle did not invent India, Bollywood, slum children or feel good-iness. It almost makes me sick that this film will probably win the Best Picture Oscar in a couple of months; not only would it be the worst winner since Shakespeare in Love (sorry, I can't stand that movie) but it's also fairly reminiscent of a much maligned (and for good reason) Best Picture winner from the 70's: Rocky. Imagine how embarrassing it will be in 20 years when we have to admit to our children/grandchildren a mistake as silly and avoidable as picking Slumdog for Best Picture; I'm sure it will look just as foolish as Rocky does now. D+

"Oprah is Coming!"

Only three more days until Oprah unites with Tina Fey and company on 30 Rock for the greatest episode in the history of television!

Jason Castro is Gone!

Oprah finally heard my prayers for Jason Castro to be voted off American Idol and passed it on to the Big Man himself. Yay! It is a good day, indeed.

A Quick Note About the New Banner

As you are all aware, February is National Black History Month, so I thought I'd do my part and honor some strong black women with a new banner. These four women have fought adversity, racism and the critics to pave the way for other strong black women. The beautiful women, starting from the left, are:

• Oprah: Everyone on the planet knows her (and they'd better love her!). Her career started with a bang after a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for The Color Purple in 1985, which led to her talk show going into syndication in 1986 and quickly becoming the number-one rated talk show in America. The rest is history.
• Hattie McDaniel: The ever-dependable character actress became the first African-American to win an Oscar (for her spectacular performance as Mammy in Gone With the Wind) and was a hero to many young black women. Her win paved the way for many actresses in the decades to come, including the infamous Halle Berry win and that amazing acceptance speech.
• Aretha Franklin: She's the Queen of Soul, bitch, as Beyonce just found out.
• Whoopi Goldberg: Sure, Whoopi's made some questionable choices with her acting work, but you can't deny the talent she has. I loved her quickly canceled sitcom Whoopi from a couple of years ago and her performance in The Color Purple was one for the ages (and should have earned her that Oscar). What I will love her best for, though, is her Oda Mae Brown in Ghost- only her hilarious performance as a crackpot psychic would make me want to sit through that pile of crap again.
  

Rants of a Diva's One Year Anniversary!

Yay! Today marks the first anniversary of Rants of a Diva and I couldn't be more excited. Not only have I kept this up for a whole year, but I actually have a few readers who occasionally leave comments. If it wasn't for the ten of you, I might have abandoned this months ago (as I often do with projects of mine) so a round of thank you's are definitely in order.

And, by a completely random chance, today marks the birth of the one human being who rivals Jesus in terms of importance to the world. You all know her and better love her, otherwise she'll send her ninja assassins to rub you out:

OPRAH!

Oh my God, how lucky am I to share my anniversary with the most important woman ever?! I wish her a happy 54th birthday and I hope her more success in saving the world.

So, in honor of my anniversary, here are some of my most popular posts and the ones I love best. Enjoy!

1. What is a Dench?, Movies That Could Have "Used a Dench", Dame Judi Dench Videos
From my day-long celebration to the one and only Dame Judi Dench

2. It's Britney's Comeback, Bitch
My thoughts on Britney's VMA comeback.

3. Rants on Myra Breckinridge
One of my favorite Film Rant of the past year.

4. Rants on Zodiac
Probably my "best" Film Rant.

5. All You J. Hud Haters Need to Get a Life
My thoughts on the sudden J. Hud backlash between the release of Dreamgirls and her Best Supporting Actress Oscar win.

6. Supporting Actress Blog-a-thon: Ashley Tisdale in High School Musical 2
The movie sucked, but La Tisdale proved herself a force to be reckoned with.

7. Idol Gives Back, or: How I Wasted Two Hours of My Life For a Shitty Charity Special
Remember that American Idol charity special last season? I wish I didn't...

8. The Soundtrack of My Life
Not really that great of writing or anything, but I got 6 comments on it (my most ever!)

9. Oscar Bitch Fight: 1939
My thoughts on the Best Actress nominees for 1939. I've been meaning to do a second one for too long now. I should get on that.

10. Random Top 10: Biggest Comebacks
After Britney's failed comeback at the VMA's, I wanted to reminisce about successful comebacks of decade's past.

11. Slapstick Blog-a-thon: Jane Fonda and Wanda Sykes in Monster in Law
A pictorial look at a sequence from the criminally underrated (but I can see why it's hated) Monster in Law.

12. Rants on Heights
Another favorite Film Rant I forgot about earlier.

Oprah vs. Streisand: Round 2

If you are like me and love Kathy Griffin than you know and love the above interpretation of the Oprah-Streisand interview. These two strong black women's epic fight proved to be the stuff legends are made of. I wish I had seen the episode for myself, but c'est la vie; I'll have to stick with Kathy's retelling.

The reason I bring this up is because while I was reading the news stories on IMDb this afternoon and I saw that both Oprah and Babs have announced who they are supporting in the 2008 presidential election and they have picked different candidates! Oprah is going for Barack and Babs supports Hillary. You all know I can't decide who to vote for without the right celebrity's endorsement. But now that two of My Divas have endorsed two different candidates, who am I going to support myself. I'm pretty sure I want to support Oprah and Barack because of those pesky ninja assassins who might kill me if I say anything bad about or don't support Oprah, but, on the other hand, it's freaking Babs. She is all sorts of amazing and is one of the biggest and best divas I have ever encountered.

Ugh! I'm so confused! Tell me who I should support in the comments!

Seven People Over For Dinner

Here’s the definitive answer to the question “If you could invite seven people, living or dead, over for dinner, who would you pick and why?”

1. Bette Davis- The Queen Diva Bitch of Hollywood. What dinner would be complete without Bette regaling the guests with stories of how she fought her way to the top of Hollywood and didn’t take anyone’s shit?

2. Jake Gyllenhaal- Every dinner needs some eye candy. I just hope Bette isn’t too forward and propositions him early on. That might be a little awkward.

3. Jennifer Hudson- I love this woman to death. She is immensely talented and humble to the extreme. We also have something in common: we don’t like to drive. I feel so much closer to her.

4. Dame Judi Dench- Royalty is always appreciated, especially when it is someone as wonderful as the ever regal Dame Judi Dench. I just hope she doesn’t get offended and cut somebody.

5. Tiffany Patterson (New York’s Mom)- Maybe she can get some private lessons from Bette Davis to become an even bigger bitch on “I Love New York”. Yes please.

6. Oprah- I really don’t want to die by her ninja assassins, so I would definitely give her an invite. But it’s not as if I wouldn’t invite her over anyways. Oprah is pretty much God. Hopefully she will bring her lesbian…I mean best friend Gail over too. I LOVE OPRAH!

7. Judy Garland- This bitch is damn talented and oh-so-tragic. I can’t think of anyone on this planet who can put as much emotion into every song as Judy does. Hopefully she’ll sing a couple of songs between dinner and dessert (and maybe a duet with J. Hud?!).

Who would you invite to dinner? Leave me your answers in the comments!