A Look at the 2012 VMAs Best Female Video

Last year, I took a look at what I thought would be potential nominees for Best Female Video at the VMAs. Surprisingly, I did quite well, picking four of the eventual nominees out of the top seven while surprise nominee Beyoncé for "Run the World (Girls)" was highlighted towards the bottom of the list (before the video had even premiered!). The other night I was thinking of that post and decided to try again to come up with what I thought this year's race might look like. Not sure if I can match my predictions last year, but let's give this a shot and see what happens.

The Top 5:

Katy Perry "Part of Me"

4 Noms/0 Wins

In Her Favor: After two years, six #1's and a 3D concert movie, the Teenage Dream Era is coming to an end. Can you think of a more fitting farewell to Katy's immense success than with another nomination here?

But: Nothing. She's in.

Rihanna "We Found Love"

2 Noms/1 Win

In Her Favor: Rihanna manages to pump out hit after hit, but "We Found Love" was her biggest song since "Umbrella." Plus, "We Found Love" is without a doubt her best video to date.

But: Only two nominations? As big of a star as Rihanna should have more.

Kelly Clarkson "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"

3 Noms/2 Wins

In Her Favor: Sometimes all it takes is a #1 hit like this to remind everyone why we fell in love with Kelly in the first place. Girlfriend already has two wins so they clearly love her.

But: Is she "hip" enough for MTV in these days of Katy Perry and Teen Wolf?

Nicki Minaj "Starships"

1 Nom/0 Wins

In Her Favor: Having just notched its 20th week in the Top 10, the song has proven to have massive staying power.

But: Does anybody remember the video? Like, at all?

Lana Del Rey "National Anthem"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: This is my No Guts, No Glory pick. This line-up is in clear need of a Critical Darling. Although Lana is not quite as huge as Adele, last year's Darling, is, she does have a rabid fanbase who were salivating over her material even before her Born to Die album came out. She seems like a long shot, but every once in awhile this category does embrace lesser-known artists with great, buzzworthy videos.

But: This only happens every once in awhile. As odd as it sounds, she probably has a better shot in the Video of the Year category, which is much more open to artistic videos like "National Anthem."

In the Running:

Lady Gaga "Marry the Night"

4 Noms/2 Wins

In Her Favor: I know I sound crazy for betting against Gaga, considering her rabid fanbase who are only out-crazied by the Beliebers. And this video was everything those fanatics could have possibly wanted from an artiste like Lady Gaga.

But: Come on. For an artist who has made a living off turning everything about her persona into pretentious bullshit, this fourteen minute, ultra serious video exploring the inner torment of Gaga The Person was Pretentious Bullshit.

Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: A zeitgeist hit...

But: ...That's only mildly less trashy than Rebecca Black's "Friday." More likely than not, expect her to pop up with One Direction in the Best New Artist category.

Madonna "Give Me All Your Luvin'" OR "Girl Gone Wild"

12 Noms/4 Wins

In Her Favor: In very different ways, these two videos have proven why Madonna is still the undisputed Queen of the Music Video.

But: The Gays have completely turned on her. If they don't care, why will MTV?

Britney Spears "I Wanna Go" OR "Criminal"

5 Noms/1 Win

In Her Favor: "I Wanna Go" and "Criminal" were both far better videos than the previous Femme Fatale singles produced.

But: I read somewhere that "I Wanna Go" debuted on the cutoff date for last year's VMAs. I refuse to believe this as that masterpiece received zero nominations while the mediocre "Till The World Ends" nabbed her a Best Pop Video trophy. And if she couldn't get a Best Female Video nomination with that massive track, I doubt either of these songs has the legs to get her there this year.

Jessie J "Domino"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: For better or worse, her loud, painted on jumpsuits were certainly eye-catching in this video.

But: Despite the fact that this song was a hit in the U.S., I still don't feel like she's that big over here. Do you ever hear people talking about her (well, I mean, despite complaining about her singing/wailing)?

Never Say Never:

Demi Lovato "Give Your Heart a Break"

0 Noms 

In Her Favor: With her upcoming X-Factor gig, people are finally taking notice and trying to make her happen.

But: I don't think it's her moment yet. We'll see where she's at after X-Factor debuts this fall.

Cher Lloyd "Want U Back"

0 Noms 

In Her Favor: Against all odds, it appears that she's crossing over into America.

But: She's only just hit the Top 40 here. And if Carly Rae doesn't make it, Cher certainly won't.

Dev "In the Dark"

0 Noms 

In Her Favor: An ubiquitous singer with her own big hit.

But: The song is nearly a year old; has her Moment passed already?

My Blog is Ready to Start Kindergarten, or: Rants of a Diva Turns Five Years Old

On this very day in 2007, I was sitting in my dorm room, indulging in my latest obsession: reading film blogs. As a freshman in college, I had quickly learned how to be as unproductive as possible, and keeping up with these blogs was the perfect way to kill time when I should have been writing a paper. On this fateful night, however, a thought suddenly occurred to me: "Hey, I can write just as well as these people. And I have a ton of ideas. Why don't I start a blog of my own?" It was then that Rants of a Diva was born.

And now it's five years later. Wow, where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was defending Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. So, to celebrate this momentous occasion, I have decided to do something a little different. I listed my five favorite things in a host of different, entirely random categories. It's a bit silly, sure, but what do you expect from this oddball section of the interweb? 

EDIT: So it turns out I'm a complete retard and my blogiversary was on the 29th of January. Let's just pretend it's today, okay?

Five Actresses I Can Watch in Anything

01. Bette Davis

02. Anne Hathaway

03. Marilyn Monroe

04. Norma Shearer

05. Judy Garland

Five Favorite Working Directors

01. Arnaud Desplechin

02. Spike Lee

03. Andrea Arnold

04. Judd Apatow

05. Michael Moore

One Direction Members, From Fave to Least Fave

01. Zayn

02. Liam

03. Harry

04. Niall

05. Louis

Five Favorite Classic Boyband Songs

01. O-Town "All or Nothing"

02. *NSYNC "Tearin' Up My Heart"

03. Backstreet Boys "As Long As You Love Me"

04. Take That "Back For Good"

05. 98 Degrees "The Hardest Thing"

Five Favorite ABBA Album Tracks

01. "Disillusion"

02. "As Good As New"

03. "Tiger"

04. "Bang-A-Boomerang"

05. "Me and I"

Five Favorite Moments in Spice World

01. "This dress is dry clean only, Melanie!"

02. The Alien Encounter

03. "AND I'M VICTORIA, MALCOLM!"

04. Mel C. rolling her eyes every time Geri shares some useless knowledge with the group

05. The Bomb on the Bus

Five Favorite Best Supporting Actor Nominees (Non-Winners)

01. Claude Rains, Casablanca

02. Richard Widmark, Kiss of Death

03. Sal Mineo, Rebel Without a Cause

04. Al Pacino, The Godfather

05. Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Five Things I Admire About Lady Gaga

01. The way she makes every music video an Event.

02. How quickly she has matured her sound (even if I don't necessarily like where it has gone).

03. The way she has made the label "pop artist" a compliment rather than a criticism.

04. Her work ethic. Girlfriend never stops doing it all.

05. Her ability to manipulate convince her fans that she has invented many of the elements of her persona that she has borrowed from/expanded upon other pop icons.

Five Reality Shows That Have Had a Profound Impact on My Life

01. Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica

02. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

03. American Idol

04. Hey Paula!

05. Jersey Shore

Five Favorite Lesbians

01. Ellen DeGeneres

02. Wanda Sykes

03. Tabatha Coffey

04. Jane Lynch

05. Suze Orman

Five Things I Want to Accomplish in 2012

01. Find a job that doesn't make me want to stab people

02. Finish my screenplay (The Single One, coming soon to a theatre near you)

03. Try yoga

04. Interview a celebrity

05. Meet One Direction

The Legendary Miss Britney Spears Gets a VMA Tribute...LOL J/K MTV Doesn't Give a Shit About Her

The MTV Video Music Awards are usually a hit-or-miss affair. It's what gives them a cracked up charm which compels me to watch year after year, even when better judgment tells me otherwise. Last year's ceremony, and maybe this was the alcohol clouding my judgment, was actually quite good, so I was feeling optimistic. If you followed my Live Tweeting last night, it goes without saying that feeling went out the window 90 seconds in the broadcast. The whole ceremony was a shitfest, but nothing enraged me more than one particular moment of the broadcast: the so-called "Tribute" to Britney.

Britney looking absolutely flawless. The healthiest and happiest and prettiest she has looked in ages.

For a couple weeks now, MTV has been hinting in their promos for this year's Video Music Awards at some sort of tribute to Britney Spears. I am not shy about professing my love for Britney, so I was super excited that MTV would be honoring her. This is an artist who defined MTV in its final days as a music giant. She was a vital member of the TRL Generation, which made new music videos an event, a shared experience between fans everywhere. And the videos! A mere list of them would make any mere mortal quiver in excitement: "...Baby One More Time", "(You Drive Me) Crazy)", "Oops!...I Did It Again", "Toxic", "Stronger", "Everytime", "Womanizer", "Sometimes", "I Wanna Go", "I'm a Slave 4 U'. Say what you want about Britney as a musician, as a performer, or even as a person, she was, and still is, a major influence on 21st century pop culture.

So this Video Vanguard award/tribute should have been a slam dunk, right? I knew things were going awry the moment Lady Gaga stepped on stage to introduce the award. Earlier in the night, she opened the show and entertained bored the audience silly with a rambling, pretentious, unfunny monologue dressed as her drag king alter ego (who looks like a horrifying Danny Zuko). It was almost as painful to watch as Britney's infamous performance at the VMAs four years ago. I don't want to go in depth about how this performance practically killed any remaining love I had for this woman like a radiation therapy treatment for cancer, but, trust me, the performance was bad. Anyways, Gaga comes out for what is supposed to be Britney's big moment still dressed up like her alter ego. Leave it to an attention whore like Lady Gaga to stink up what should be a tender tribute to someone she/he/what-the-fuck-ever claims as a big influence on her career with some dumb schtick that only her hardcore fans were clearly enjoying. And leave it to MTV to suck Lady Gaga's dick once again by allowing her to do this in the first place so as not to alienate her and her "monsters." She can claim the contrary all she wants, but is there any popstar on the planet who shamelessly latches on to those she counts as her "influences" and then treats them with such little respect? Don't forget this is the same woman who mourned on Twitter that she felt guilty for not saving her "friend" Amy Winehouse after her tragic overdose. Really, Gaga? It's one thing to express sympathy and grief for such a tragedy but its a completely different thing to act like you really cared that much about someone you probably met only a couple times. But that is Gaga's nature; like a parasite, she latches on to other celebrities and sucks them for all their worth.

Gaga finally shuts up and we are then treated to a megamix of Britney's songs with choreography by a gaggle of young female dancers. It's cute and fun and Britney was clearly enjoying it, but we all know it's merely the warm-up to something legendary...right? Except it wasn't. That's right, as soon as it was over, Gaga called Britney on stage and she accepted her award (and there was that bit where Gaga wanted Brit to recreate her iconic kiss with Madonna at the 2003 VMAs and Brit was having none of that but that was completely awkward). As Britney spoke, however, Gaga, instead of stepping back and letting Britney have her moment, stood right next to her and made a host of dumb faces, effectively upstaging one of her so-called idols. Real classy, Gaga. But I guess it didn't really matter in the long run since Britney wasn't even making an acceptance speech. Instead, they had her reading from the teleprompter, introducing the next performer, Beyoncé. Yes, on what was supposed to be her night, Britney had to take a back seat to both Gaga and Beyoncé. What a fucking disgrace. This is a woman who has been in the business for 12 years, smashed countless sales records, came back from a public meltdown stronger than ever, regularly sells out world tours and has made some of the most treasured music videos of all time and this is how MTV treats her, making her play second fiddle to two other popstars. I was so pissed I couldn't even enjoy Beyoncé's performance.

Listen, I realize that the VMAs are under time restrictions and a proper tribute would probably take 20 minutes, at least. But that was just a slap in the face to someone MTV claims to hold in high esteem. Since Britney is probably the sweetest, most genuine popstar in the planet, of course she was thrilled by the moment. To hardcore fans like myself, however, the whole disgusting "tribute" to her was nothing but a sick joke. The Amy Winehouse tribute at the end of the show was nicely done and a respectful testament to the woman's talent. But you shouldn't have to die tragically to receive a proper tribute, especially when you're an artist like Britney who has contributed far more to MTV than Amy ever did.

Crazy 80's Project: The Times of Harvey Milk

Back in the 1970's, we had people like Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected official in the U.S., fighting the good fight for the rights of gay people in this country. Today, 35 years after his tragic assassination, we have Lady Gaga, a pop singer whose fans like to pretend that she's doing far more to advance gay rights than she actually is (or has the capability to do). A bit of a comedown, don't you think? The Times of Harvey Milk is a document of Milk's years as an influential San Francisco politician, culminating in his election to the city council in 1977. He was a politician who cared about his community, a claim many politicians have made but few have actually backed up. Where I think this film is most successful is in describing that not only was he was a fighter but he also had the brains to navigate the tricky world of politics. During his all too brief tenure on the city council, Milk took it upon himself to try and defeat Proposition 6, a proposed California law that would ban openly homosexual teachers from teaching in public schools. There is this great footage of Milk and a speech professor associate of his on some TV show debating the issue with the bill's right-wing writer. When the writer tries to argue that the law protects children from pedophiles, Milk intelligently tears his argument down, citing facts and statistics the other guy has no logical way of refuting. He's loud and aggressive but never resorts to name-calling or some other cheap tactic to win the argument. These are admirable traits that many other politicians could take a lesson from. My only complaint with the film is that it all but refuses to discuss Milk's personal life; if you thought Van Sant's Milk sanctified him to no end, Times damn well turns him into Jesus. But the reason for this, I feel, is far greater than any criticism I could hurl at it. Times isn't interested in talking about the "real" Milk. They're trying to make him a political, a savior to a disaffected and alienated segment of the population, the Martin Luther King, Jr. for the gay community. Then and now, the community needed Harvey Milk as a hero. And there's no way in hell I won't endorse that with every fiber of my being. The Film: A-, Harvey Milk himself: A+

Gaga or Warrior #1

Everyone's favorite new game! I give you two quotes and you must decide which was by mega popstar Lady Gaga and which was said by former WWF Champion The Ultimate Warrior.

1. "Look at the walls of Joe Louis Arena. The [Warriors/Monsters] who could not come have attached themselves to the outer structure. They're seeping through, feeling me, feeding me, with the power to survive. They ride on my back for my protection."

2. "I am a show with no intermission. It is this thing that summons me from the depths of reality and reminds me that the power of transformation is endless. That I possess something magical and transformative inside."

So, whose fans have attached themselves to Joe Louis Arena? And who is a show that keeps on going and going and going?

A Look at the VMA's Best Female Video

Confession time: I'm a bit of an awards nerd. Yes, okay, I realize this not a huge surprise coming from me as I follow the Oscar race all year long. But there is a difference between loving the Oscars, which many ordinarily rational people do, and loving the MTV Video Music Awards, which is certifiably insane. The VMAs are completely silly and the winners are often times arbitrary as hell, but I can't help loving them and using them as a guidepost for discovering fascinating videos I never would have known about otherwise. My favorite category is, not surprisingly, Best Female Video, a category which has given Madonna 12 nominations over the years and regularly nominated Britney, Janet, Paula Abdul, Beyoncé and many other fabulous artists. I like this category so much I thought it would be fun to go through some of the big contenders and see how they stack up against each other. It's a completely futile task but, hey, I think it's rather fun to through them.

The Top 5

Lady Gaga

"Born This Way"

2/3 Noms/1 Win

In Her Favor: Have you noticed that Gaga is the biggest popstar on the planet right now? She easily swept last year's VMAs and, judging from the reception the Born This Way singles have gotten, her dominance should continue this year.

But: The video, die hard stans aside, went over like a lead balloon. Will this deter her less emotionally invested fans?

 

Katy Perry

"Firework"

3 Noms/0 Wins

In Her Favor: "Firework" was a monster "It Gets Better" anthem that, months later, is still being used exhaustively in movie trailer after movie trailer. The song has resonated with a lot of people and proved it has staying power. Plus, if she does get her fourth nomination, odds are that she will win; Christina Aguilera is the only artist with four or more nominations and no win.

But: By the time the VMAs actually air, "Firework" will be close to a year old. And will the spectacular "E.T." video siphon any votes?

 

Britney Spears

"Hold It Against Me"

5 Noms/1 Win

In Her Favor: Not only is Britney the undisputed Queen of Pop in Madonna's absence, but "Hold It Against Me" shot straight to the top of the charts when it was released. Britney is at the top of her form.

But: The video wasn't well received, even among her massive supporters

.

 

Rihanna featuring Drake

"What's My Name?"

2 Noms/0 Wins

In Her Favor: Now that her dark, "uncommercial" Rated R era is over, expect the VMAs to embrace her once again. And how else to reward Rihanna's "return" than by honoring her most commercial song since Good Girl Gone Bad.

But: Like "Firework," "What's My Name?" will have been out for nearly a year by the time of the VMAs. Plus, could the much louder "S&M" video make an appearance?

Jennifer Lopez featuring Pitbull

"On the Floor"

3 Noms/0 Wins

In Her Favor: J. Lo, thanks in part to her new gig on American Idol, has once again reclaimed her throne as America's Sweetheart.

But: Her last nomination was in 2003. As she sings in the beginning of "On the Floor," "it's a new generation." Can this diva still compete with the kiddies?

In the Running:

Nicki Minaj

"Super Bass"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: She the year's hottest artist, crafting her own unique image in the male-dominated rap industry with a fanbase as diverse and strange as she is.

But: Nicki is incredibly famous but it doesn't really feel like she's had her own massive hit to match the hype, does it?

Adele

"Rolling in the Deep"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: Adele's 21 just spent her fifteenth non-consecutive week at #1 in the UK while hitting #1 with both her album and this song here in America. This line-up feels like it is missing a real critical darling/vocal powerhouse.

But: Can't you just imagine 15 year olds giving a collective shrug or, even worse, a "Who?" when someone mentions Adele? Sad but it has been known to happen.

Taylor Swift

"Back to December"

2 Noms/1 Win

In Her Favor: Kanyegate got her a second nomination last year. Do they still feel bad for that incident? "Back to December" is her most recent offering and it's a much more memorable jam than what got her nominated last time ("Fifteen").

But: Not that it truly matters, even though it should, the "Back to December" video is horrendous. Besides, how long can MTV make amends for The Incident before we're all ready to move on?

P!nk

"Raise Your Glass"

1 Nom/1 Win

In Her Favor: Another massive "It Gets Better" anthem. P!nk proved once again that can she still rock out in an era of Ke$has and Katy Perrys.

But: Doesn't it feel like P!nk should have a lot more than one nomination? Maybe they're just not that into her.

Ke$ha

"Blow"

1 Nom/0 Wins

In Her Favor: A wonderful James Van Der Beek cameo made this the first Ke$ha video to truly encapsulate her strange persona in visual form.

But: The song wasn't as big as "We R Who We R" or her other hits from the first album. Will people care enough about this song in a couple months?

Never Say Never:

Beyoncé

"Run the World (Girls)"

5 Noms/2 Wins

In Her Favor: The video hasn't premiered yet, but B is always a threat in this category. She amassed her 5 noms in an eight year span; only Madonna did it quicker.

But: The song FLOPPED. Will a second single materialize before the eligibility field is closed?

Jessie J featuring B.O.B.

"Price Tag"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: She'd be the critical darling of the category.

But: Who? Was "Price Tag" big enough to earn her a spot with such megastars as Gaga and Britney?

Keri Hilson

"Pretty Girl Rock"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: The category is severely lacking in some R&B divas.

But: "Pretty Girl Rock" hasn't exactly been burning up the charts, has it? And if she couldn't get in for "Knock You Down," chances are she won't for this.

Selena Gomez & The Scene

"Who Says"

0 Noms

In Her Favor: While Miley has gone and pissed on the pop community, Selena has embraced it. Britney is contributing to her next album.

But: "Who Says" isn't a major hit. There are still a lot of people who don't know her at all or just know her as Justin Bieber's girlfriend.

Happy New Year!

Now that 2010 is officially behind us, we can finally start looking forward to the one and only thing that matters in 2011:

BRITNEY'S RETURN!

'Hold It Against Me' >>>>>>>>>>> 'Born This Way'

This Is What I Hear Everytime Lady GaGa Opens Her Mouth Nowadays

2010 VMA Wrap Up (via Twitter)

There are two reasons why I'm not doing a "proper" write up of last night's VMA's: (1) I'm lazy and (2) The show was so incredibly dull. I was bored during the first part of the awards, so I got drunk and started tweeting like a mad man. So, here is everything you need to know about last night's show courtesy of my Twitter.










And here are some of my favorite tweets from some other awesome twatters out there.

2010 VMA Predictions

Trying to predict the VMA results is often fruitless because there is often no rhyme or reason why any particular video wins over another. Yet, here I am, valiantly going forward with this exercise. Oh well, at least we can all laugh at these tomorrow.

Video of the Year
Will Win: Lady GaGa & Beyoncé 'Telephone'
Should Win: Lady GaGa 'Bad Romance'

I mentioned this when I did my write-up of this year's nominees, but it bares repeating. Lady GaGa is going to win; there's very little doubt about that. She's as much of a lock as 'Single Ladies' was last year. While 'Bad Romance' is technically the better of her two nominated videos, I don't think voters will be able to resist the massive pull of the 'Telephone' video. GaGa + B + Tarantino-inspired dialogue + high concept + massive runtime + massive hype = a video which can't be ignored.

Male Video of the Year
Will Win: Usher featuring will.i.am 'OMG'
Should Win: Drake 'Find Your Love'

Trying to find a decent video amid this lackluster bunch is quite difficult. If Eminem wins here, he'll win Video of the Year since history has shown that his wins are correlated as such. I don't think Em will win the top award, so I'm down to B.o.B. and Usher. Both songs were massive hits, but this category has been considerably kinder to non-Video of the Year nominees, so I think Usher will pull ahead with the win. Drake not only has the best song of the bunch (slightly bested by 'In My Head') but his video is the only one that stirs me in any way besides revulsion.

Female Video of the Year
Will Win: Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg 'California Gurls'
Should Win: Lady GaGa 'Bad Romance'

I think this is down to Taylor Swift (in an attempt to make up for Kanyegate last year) and Katy Perry, who has somehow snagged herself three noms in a row in this category. She's already tied for 5th with a host of other legends (including Annie Lennox!) for the most noms in this category ever. 'California Gurls' was a massive hit, Katy Perry has never been hotter and she's technically "due." Bold choice, perhaps, but I think she'll nab it from Taylor.

Best New Artist
Will Win: Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris 'Baby'
Should Win: Nicki Minaj featuring Sean Garrett 'Massive Attack'

The Beebs has this one wrapped up, especially given the fact that people at home are the ones voting for the winners. And, you know what, I think he honestly deserves it. Who knows if he'll stick around in the future, but he's made a hell of an impression this past year and he's legitimately talented. If he wins, I won't be upset. However, I think the best in this category is Nicki Minaj, whose video manages to represent her as the out-of-this-world creature that she is.

Best Pop Video
Will Win: Ke$ha 'TiK ToK'
Should Win: Lady GaGa 'Bad Romance'

GaGa could surprise here, but I think Ke$ha and her ode to getting fucked up will take the prize.

Best Rock Video
Will Win: Paramore 'Ignorance'
Should Win: ?

Haven't had a chance to look through all the videos yet as I'm very weak when it comes to this genre. I think Paramore is still popular with the kids so I'm gonna go with them. No fucking clue though.

Best Hip-Hop Video
Will Win: Eminem 'Not Afraid'
Should Win: ?

Also pretty weak with this category so I'll update later. Eminem usually wins one just for appearing at this damn awards show so I expect him to pick this award up easily.

Best Dance Video
Will Win: Enrique Iglesias featuring Pitbull 'I Like It'
Should Win: Lady GaGa 'Bad Romance'

This comes down to a process of elimination. Cascada and David Guetta aren't too unfamiliar to win. GaGa might win, but I don't know if she's "dance" enough. Usher has a chance but I think Enrique, especially with the help of the Jersey Shore kids, will take this in the end.

Best Collaboration
Will Win: B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams 'Airplanes'
Should Win: Beyoncé and Lady GaGa 'Video Phone (Extended Version)'

B.o.B. has to win somewhere, right? It pains me to type that but it's true. My pick is between Jay-Z & Alicia, who have the better song, and B & GaGa, who have the...I won't say better, but more interesting, videos. I went with 'Video Phone' because that video is nuts and I can still recall it vividly months after last watching it.

VMA Video of the Year Rundown: 2010

It's that time of the year again! As I did in 2008 and 2009, the moment has arrived to discuss this year's nominees for Video of the Year at the Video Music Awards. But, before we begin, I have to make an announcement. For a couple years now, I've been trying to make this a regular series, investigating all of the nominees for Video of the Year in each year. I got a couple done before hitting a rough spot and never actually completing the series. I vowed last year to get the series started but, again, nothing. I've now come to the realization that it will never be finished and it's time to move on to a new project: Best Female Video. The reason I could never finish another entry is because the nominated videos often sucked all inspiration out of me. How could I spend 300 words writing about a video that was neither horrible or amazing? And what about in years where all five nominees are like that? Zzzzzzzz. But when I started looking around at the Best Female Video category, I realized that there was no way I could ever get bored by the nominees. I mean, look at them! Who wants to discuss videos from Queensryche, USA for Africa, U2 or Steve Winwood when I can be discussing Madonna, Janet, Cher, Beyoncé, Paula, Kate and Annie? I will continue this annual tradition in the coming years, but I won't be looking back at any past Video of the Year lineups. Sorry to the two people who may actually remember me doing this, but I guarantee the Best Female Video series will be even better.

Overall: 2009 was all about the star factor with five of the biggest names in music competing for the big prize. This year, we see two repeats but, overall, the nominees are a return to the early days of the category when the biggest stars weren't necessarily getting the big nomination. Lady GaGa, with two of the most talked about music videos in ages, and Eminem, the VMA's prodigal son, both got in rather expectedly, but the surprise nominees came at the hands of a British act just getting started in America and (former?) actor Jared Leto's rock band. Sometimes digging up unexpected videos can be good for the category but this year quite the opposite happened. When 'Telephone,' a video I've complained about all year for being a short film in music video clothing, is still the second best in the category, you know there's a problem. Florence and Mars are trying hard to be different and metaphorical, respectively--about what, I have no fucking clue--yet nothing comes through. Eminem once again gets in with another lazy, retread of his past videos and the less said about the B.o.B. video the better. Thank goodness for GaGa then, who manages to save this lineup from obscurity with 'Romance,' the video they'll remember her for in the coming years. With so many uninspiring nominees, you have to wonder how Rhianna's 'Rude Boy,' easily the most talked about non-GaGa music video, not only missed out here but in nearly every damn category minus a technical one. And, although I think the video's not very good, the Black Eyed Peas' massive 'Imma Be Rocking that Body' was completely shafted in every category, a surprise given how many of the nominated videos this year (Bad Romance, Telephone, Kings and Queens, Video Phone) have massive runtimes. And, if we lived in a perfect world, the year's double nominee would be Danish pop group Alphabeat and not GaGa. 'DJ (I Could Be Dancing)' and 'Hole in My Heart' both took obvious 90's inspirations and twisted them for this decade.

The best:
Lady GaGa 'Bad Romance' # # # # #
Just before GaGa became the queen of the entire world and everything she did was deemed other worldly, she came out with her clip for 'Bad Romance' and proved that she was more than just a passing phase. 'Poker Face' showed promise, even if it wasn't a very good video, and 'Paparazzi' reintroduced the epic music video, but 'Bad Romance' capitalized on her newly minted success and trumped every expectation people had of her. Five minutes may seem like a long time for a music video, but when you have as much going on as GaGa does here, it goes by far too quickly. But that's what is special about 'Bad Romance': she manages to tell a complete story visually without once stopping the music for a dialogue interlude. The opening birth scene where GaGa and her dancers emerge from the metaphorical womb, clawing and scratching their way out in spandex catsuits is astounding to look at. It's the perfect way to visualize the GaGa character's emergence into this world of prostitution and to let the audience know what to expect from the rest of the video. And never does 'Bad Romance' ever feel like anything but a Lady GaGa video; there's no homage to Madonna or Tarantino and you can hardly imagine Britney, Rihanna or Beyoncé doing this video with the same amount of impact. 'Bad Romance' is a textbook example of using the music video to move a pop persona forward and the fact that she does this with a fair amount of depth and beauty is all the more satisfying.

The rest, in order:
Lady GaGa featuring Beyoncé 'Telephone' # # # # #
And now we come to certainly the biggest video of the year, in terms of impact, hype, feeling and overall length. The premiere was an event in itself, the first time I remember that happening since the good ole days of TRL when the Backstreet Boys would stop by to premiere their latest shitty video. I liked the video at first, and still am generally a fan of it, but the flaws are even more glaringly obvious than they were six months ago. My biggest complaint about 'Telephone' is that it never quite feels like a music video. Sure, it's a video with music in it, but the song eventually comes second to all of the insanity going on around it. I've said it before and I'll say it again: 'Telephone' works as a short film, but as a music video, it's an epic fail. Music videos should promote the song, but can you honestly say you remember the song amid the numerous wardrobe choices, the prison yard make out session, B's Honey Bun and the "Let's Make a Sandwich" bit? What I do love about the video, though, is the way GaGa and B synthesize their own larger than life, batshit crazy personas with their homage to all things Tarantino. The video is complete and utter insanity, but when it works, it really works at highlighting what we love best about GaGa and B. 'Telephone' is hardly perfect yet something about it's madness is worth celebrating.

Florence + the Machine 'Dog Days Are Over' # # # # #
I will say this for Florence + the Machine: she certainly knows how to make a vivid impression. When you see her onscreen, red hair a-blazin' with that kabuki-inspired makeup over her eyes, you immediately marvel over this fascinating creature and really want to get to know her better. The 'Dog Days Are Over' video is certainly the very definition of "weird," but it often feels weird for weird sake rather than weird for a purpose. The only way I can describe what I mean is to use another example, last year's nominee 'Love Lockdown' by Kanye West. The bulk of the video comprises of these natives flinging arrows and tribal dancing to the song. What saves it from 'Dog Days Are Over' territory, however, is the fact that the opening and closing moments show Kanye West obviously in some kind of emotional distress, so it can be inferred that these natives are representative of him going insane. I'm not suggesting that 'Dog Days Are Over' needs a gimmick like 'Love Lockdown,' but, rather, any idea of when to pull back the "weirdness" and figure out what they are trying to say. The video doesn't need to make a groundbreaking point, it just needs to say something besides "Oh look at these blue people dancing!"

30 Seconds to Mars 'Kings and Queens' # # # # #
Maybe I'm completely missing the point, but what exactly is supposed to be happening in this video? I see minute after minute of footage of a group of young adults riding bikes through a deserted town, someone getting hit by a car, a horse stampeding down the street, the kid getting back up unharmed and everyone resuming biking. What? I give 30 Seconds to Mars for attempting to say something, anything with this video and for giving it the full-length treatment without sacrificing the song. Yet, I'm not exactly sure what they're trying to say is worth saying. Then again, I could only be sure of that if I was aware of their intentions.

Eminem 'Not Afraid' # # # # #
It seems almost futile to bitch about yet another Eminem video making its way onto the Video of the Year shortlist, yet I feel like something needs to be said in order for this madness to end. 'Not Afraid' is not anywhere near as embarrassing as his nomination for 'We Made You' last year, that's for sure. Still, there's not exactly anything worth celebrating in this video, certainly nothing worthy of Video of the Year status. I think people are starting to mistake Eminem as an artist who reveals pieces of himself in his music videos. He does do this in his music, don't get me wrong, but outside of 'Stan,' do any of his videos which are supposedly about him truly capture anything worth knowing about him? 'Not Afraid' certainly doesn't, as standing in a dank basement and throwing a chair angrily against a wall is the sort of the thing you'd expect from an Eminem video. The scenes with the mirrors and Eminem buzzing through the air like Superman might be an attempt at revelation, and I suppose that's what got people thinking 'Not Afraid' was about something, but it's handled so clumsily and nothing about it is truly original, interesting or even worth thinking about. Eminem, you're officially past your sell by date; wake me up when you're relevant again.

B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams 'Airplanes' # # # # #
OH GOD, MAKE THIS END, MAKE THIS END! Not only is the song one of the most horrible, cliché-ridden pieces of shit I've ever heard, the video is, also, lazy, uninspired and almost ugly to look at. First of all, can someone tell Hayley Williams that despite what other countless music videos have taught her, closing your eyes and rocking your head gently while singing "deep" lyrics the ones in that godawful chorus does not make you look emotive in any way? Secondly, putting an artist in dark room while strobe and neon lights dance around them in odd rhythms does not an interesting video make. I know this nomination is more for the inexplicable popularity of this song rather than the video itself, but did we honestly need to expand to six nominees to make room for it? This is not a video we're going to be remembering for many years to come. Hell, I'll be surprised if anyone remembers this by the end of the year.

Best Actress Playlist

A couple of weeks ago, I randomly noticed that in my iTunes I had three songs whose titles corresponded to the titles of three of Bette Davis' Oscar nominations. I thought this was a funny coincidence so I tried to see if I could come up with any others. I didn't--you try finding a song called Mr. Skeffington!--but it got me thinking about what other Best Actress-titled songs I could find in my iTunes. Here's what I came up with, in order of the Oscar nomination:

Ann Harding, Holiday

'Holiday' by Green Day
'Holiday' by Madonna

Bette Davis, Dangerous

'Dangerous' by Monrose

Norma Shearer, Romeo & Juliet

'Romeo and Juliet' by The Killers

Bette Davis, Jezebel

'Jezebel' by Chely Wright

Irene Dunne, Love Affair

'Was it Just Another Love Affair?' by The Eurythmics

Bette Davis, The Letter

'The Letter' by Michael Johns and Carly Smithson

Susan Hayward, My Foolish Heart

'My Foolish Heart' by Paula Abdul

Katharine Hepburn, Summertime

'Summertime' by Fantasia Barrino

Faye Dunaway, Bonnie and Clyde

'03 Bonnie & Clyde' by Jay-Z and Beyoncé

Ali MacGraw, Love Story

'Love Story' by Taylor Swift

Liza Minnelli, Cabaret

'Cabaret' by Liza Minnelli

Barbra Streisand, The Way We Were

'The Way We Were' by Barbra Streisand

Bette Midler, The Rose

'The Rose' by Bette Midler

Gena Rowlands, Gloria

'Gloria' by Laura Branigan

Sissy Spacek, Missing

'Missing' by Everything But the Girl

Jessica Lange, Sweet Dreams

'Sweet Dreams' by Beyoncé
'Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)' by The Eurythmics

Jessica Lange, The Music Box

'Music Box Dancer' by Frank Mills

Kathy Bates, Misery

'Misery' by P!nk and Steven Tyler

Angela Bassett, What's Love Got to Do With It?

'What's Love Got to Do With It' by Tina Turner

Elisabeth Shue, Leaving Las Vegas

'Leaving Las Vegas' by Sheryl Crow

Juliette Binoche, Chocolat

'Chocolate' by Kylie Minogue

Judi Dench, Iris

'Iris' by The Goo Goo Dolls

Diane Lane, Unfaithful

'Unfaithful' by Rihanna

Charlize Theron, Monster

'Monster' by Lady GaGa

Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

'I Walk the Line' by Johnny Cash

And, in case you're missing any and want to complete this amazing playlist, click on this link and you can download them.

I know this playlist is hardly exhaustive, so does anyone have any suggestions? There's a song from the 80's called 'Suddenly, Last Summer' but I wasn't able to find it online. And there has to be songs called 'Queen,' 'Blue Sky' and 'A Man and a Woman,' but I haven't come across them. I'm hoping some of my more music savvy peeps can help out in that regard. Bonus points to anyone who can find a song called 'The Story of Adèle H.'