Yeah, and The Kardashians Are the Assholes

I've never had a problem with the Kardashians. They have been called famewhores for years now, which they most certainly are. But I don't think the Kardashians would ever deny that fact, and that is precisely why I admire them. People hate them because they are famous for doing nothing; I admire them because they have conned millions of Americans into caring about them and their ridiculous lives to the tune of millions of dollars a year. I'm sorry, but I'd rather have Kris Jenner running this country than any idiotic GOP candidate currently gunning for the presidency. You know she'd turn this country around and make us profitable within a year.

So, no, I don't have a problem with the Kardashians and their ridiculousness. Let 'em be. They're not hurting anyone. The type of famewhores I do have a problem with, though, are the ones who aren't self-aware enough to realize they are famewhores. There are plenty of people in the Land of Reality TV who fall into this category, but none are more oblivious (or relevant) as the Duggars, the stars of TLC's reality show 19 Kids & Counting. Well, now we can make that 20 Kids & Counting as the family announced on Tuesday that mom Michelle is pregnant with her twentieth child.

I've always thought the Duggars were horrible people, even in the days when they "only" had 16 and 17 children. I come from a two-child family, so I must admit that the dynamics of large families are largely foreign to me, but I don't believe it's right, especially in 2011, for a family to have that many children. I don't care how loudly these parents protest that they love all their children equally and spend equal amounts of time with them: when you have 20 kids, there is absolutely no way in hell you can be a good parent to that many children at the same time. There will always be something lacking, no matter how hard you try to make things right. I would even qualify it as a form of child abuse. Those kids are going to be so fucked up and starved for attention it's not even funny. And can you blame them? Competing with twenty other kids for just a fraction of attention from your parents will most certainly take its toll on you. This sort of "farm breeding" the Duggars employ is both sickening and damaging to these children.

Mostly, however, I think the Duggars are selfish bastards. Their last child was born prematurely, spent months in the hospital and for awhile looked like it wasn't going to survive. To most people, this would be a wake-up call that maybe it's time to count your blessings and stop having so many goddamn babies. But, oh no! Heaven forbid we should mess up "God's plan" and go on birth control. We need to pop out another child because we have nothing else going for us except for our extremely fertile sperm and eggs. These assholes can go on and on about "God's plan" and how they are not in it for the money and fame, but let's be honest for one second here. They have grown accustomed to the infamy and the money TLC throws at them to chronicle their massive brood's every move. How in the hell else can they afford to take care of 20 children?! They admit that they are fundamental Christians and that's fine. Far be it from me to tell you how to raise your bratty children. But when you hide behind these "values" as an excuse to pop out more children for the cameras, that's where I draw the line. The Duggars are total hypocrites and frauds, and it's time to call these famewhores out on what they really are.

The Kardashians are not exactly beacons of society, but they are not harming anything or anyone--besides, possibly, the moral fabric of our society--in their exploits. Yeah, yeah, Kim's 72-day marriage is a slap in the face to gay marriage. But you can't exactly blame all of that on Kim, can you? The Duggars, on the other hand, are harming real people in the present, yet we pretend like they are this adorable family who are just good ole Christians making a simple TV show. Get your heads out of your asses, people, and wake up. The Duggars are awful people and a far more immediate threat than any of the Kardashian clan.

People Who Can Stop Sucking It: Katy Perry

I know I've been harsh towards Katy Perry over the past year and a half, but Lord knows she deserved it. When 'I Kissed a Girl' became an overnight sensation a couple summers ago, I dismissed her and the song's popularity quite harshly because of the fact it is just another piece of shit song about girls making out for the pleasure of straight guys. Just thinking about that song now pisses me off to no extent (let's not even get into 'Ur So Gay'). Thankfully, her next singles ('Hot N Cold' and 'Waking Up in Vegas') were great enough to slightly forgive her for 'I Kissed a Girl.' I still wasn't completely on Team Katy, however, because I still think she tries too hard to be taboo and shocking (she's not as bad as Adam Lambert, thank the Lord).

When she was announced as a guest judge for Idol this past week, I honestly wasn't expecting much: she'd deliver a couple pointless critiques, I'd yawn and we'd all go on with our boring lives. Imagine my surprise when she came out swinging, ready to piss off contestants and judges alike without giving a shit who she offended. Watch the amazingness below:

The best bits:

1. "This isn't a Lifetime movie!"
2. Kara: "Are you hot or are you cold?" Katy: Sarcastic guffaw and cymbal crash
3. Kara: "I kissed a dolphin and I liked it" Katy: "Please stop. Or I'm gonna have to throw my Coke in your face."

My favorite part about all this is that she is completely gunning for Kara. Now, I've made no secret about my hatred for the incoherent fucktard that is Kara, so seeing Katy just lay into her and call her out on her bullshit just made my day. You can tell by her demeanor that Kara cannot believe someone would have the audacity to question her judgment--she's an American Idol judge, Goddamnit. Who knows better than her how to manipulate the audience with cheesy backstories, mediocre vocals and shameless manipulation spot talent?

All I can say is, thank you, Katy Perry. Thank you for bringing Kara down a few notches and reminding her that she isn't some huge irreplaceable star with talent and wisdom to spare (like she often thinks she is). For your complete owning of Kara DioGuardi, you officially are off my "People Who Can Suck It" list. Congratulations! I sincerely hope this can list because, honestly, as a gay man, I want to like you. You seem fun, silly and ridiculously unconcerned with what people think of you- all my favorite things.

Golden Globe FYC's: Television

In just under a month, the Golden Globe nominations are going to be announced. Say what you want about them, but I love the way they cater to mega stars and nominate some out-there movies and TV shows the more serious Oscars and Emmys wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. And in that spirit, I wanted to point any members of the Hollywood Foreign Press who may have wandered onto my site to some underappreciated and unknown TV shows and performances from the past year. So, without further ado,

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)

Best Actor (Musical/Comedy): Joel McHale
Best Supporting Actress: Yvette Nicole Brown

Not everyone is in love with this show and I can accept that. The show's scattershot, smartass humor is a bit hit or miss, but when it hits, damn it is funny. Joel McHale, host of The Soup, is my boo so it should come as no surprise I love him on this show. The show's other highlight is Shirley, played by Yvette Nicole Brown. She's warm, generous and often hilarious with admittedly little to do sometimes. Hell, she can make silence funny.

Best Supporting Actress: Jane Lynch

The show is wildly inconsistent for me. Jane Lynch, however, is always spot on and often has me howling in laughter with her non-sensical metaphors and "Sue Says" TV spot. It's no wonder that Sue Sylvester is quickly replacing Chuck Norris as the ultimate tough guy.

Best Actress (Drama): Leighton Meester

This season so far has been a bit of a wash for Ms. Meester although things seem to be looking up for her (I loved the way she stood back and simply observed the aftermath of the "OM3"; she was far more interesting than any of the participants). My FYC is for, of course, her stellar work from the second half of last season. Do I really have to try and convince you again of her amazingness?

Best Supporting Actress: Chelsea Staub
Best Supporting Actress: Nicole Anderson

The Jonas Brothers may be the "stars" of JONAS, but the true discoveries are the main females of the show. Staub plays the band's stylist and shoulder to cry on about their various problems with an unusual combination of warmness and ferocious comedic timing unseen on any Disney show I've ever seen. Anderson is the band's obsessive fan who has slowly become my favorite reason to watch the show.

Best TV Show (Drama)
Best Supporting Actor: Sebastian Stan

This show never really had a chance on network TV, did it? Ambitious, layered and epic in scope, Kings was doomed from the start. But in its short 13 episode run, Kings had more impressive moments than some shows have had in three seasons. Ian McShane, with his booming voice and larger than life bravura, was great as the king, but I often found Sebastian Stan as doomed Prince Jack to be even more compelling throughout the show. In just a few episodes, the one-time Ed Westwick imitator became an actor to watch for in the future.

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)
Best Actress (Musical/Comedy): Demi Lovato
Best Supporting Actor: Sterling Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Tiffany Thornton

Who said that Disney was only for kids? One of the best shows on TV right now is on the Disney Channel and I'm not ashamed to admit that I watch it religiously. Sonny With a Chance is 30 Rock for the tweens and it's often just as groundbreaking and can't-catch-your-breath funny (when compared to its contemporaries, at least). Leading the cast is Demi Lovato as Sonny, the Liz Lemon of the show, and what's exciting about her performance is that over the course of the season, you can see her letting loose more and more, finally getting the hang of this comedy thing and truly becoming a star with each passing episode. Tiffany Thornton, plays self-obsessed diva Tawni Hart, the Jenna to Demi's Liz, and is a hoot everytime she appears on screen. Do you know anyone else who can elicit so many laughs just by repeating "Cocoa Mocho Cocoa" over and over again? And then there is trusty old Sterling Knight as tween heartthrob Chad Dylan Cooper (swoon!). His role as the romantic foil to Demi's Sonny is not particularly groundbreaking but the way he remains a complete douche even during the moments when he's supposed to be "wooing" Sonny is impressive. Less talented, "pretty boy" actors would have completely pussified CDC by episode four, but Knight is just as mean and darkly funny as he was on day one. Kudos to you!

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)
Best Supporting Actor: Keir Gilchrist
Best Supporting Actress: Brie Larson

Toni Collette is likely to get a nom, so it seems unnecessary to FYC her right now. Instead, I'll focus on the underappreciated children of Tara. Like I've talked about before, Gilchrist brings a clever twist to a stereotypical gay teen role. Larson is a complete bitch on the show, but she somehow brings enough humanity to her performance that I kinda wish she was my older sister.

The Death of Television

For years, TV watchers and critics alike have been complaining that the success of reality shows like Survivor, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars and The Bachelor[ette] are ruining network television as we know it. We can blame these shows all we want, but, judging by the television season thus far, it is looking more and more like the networks and creative forces behind the shows are killing them faster than any reality show. I know I'm hardly television's most qualified critic because I don't watch an extraordinary amount of shows and some of the ones I continue to watch are dubious at best. However, I feel like I need to say something for the sake of these sinking shows I love so dearly.

Let's start with Desperate Housewives, a show I used to be so obsessive about I would tell people not to call my cell phone during the show unless there was some kind of medical emergency that couldn't wait until 10:01; now I'm so meh on it I can do homework, IM someone and eat all while watching it. For a show that started off so brilliantly with it's parody on suburban values and mores ingeniously mixed with a compelling, season-long mystery, it's a shame that the show quickly descended into a shadow of its former self. Don't get me wrong, I was still hooked on the show and loved some of the major arcs (Dixie Carter as Orson's mother, the season where Dana Delaney's Katharine was introduced) over the past few seasons, but the magic of that glorious first season has always been missing. This season, however, has been the absolute breaking point for me. The season premiere was hilarious and hinted at better things to come this season, but honestly, looking back, I'm guessing this reaction was due more to the fact that I missed the characters over the summer rather than the show was actually doing anything interesting. Needless to say, the show has progressed to shit. My main problem with Desperate Housewives is that the show doesn't have any balls anymore. I'm not suggesting that the show was incredibly ballsy before, but it at least talked about interesting subjects that few other network shows would touch (the child molester who Lynette inadvertently unleashes on the world, the dynamic between Bree and Andrew during season one and two, etc.). Now, Desperate Housewives has become passive in its refusal to even mention other darker alternatives to the character's problems. Take Lynette's unwanted pregnancy this season for instance. In the old days, she would have considered getting an abortion and, if the show was feeling particularly risky, she would have went ahead and gotten it. Instead, the word is never even mentioned and Lynette is forced to grin and bear it like a good woman and accept the pregnancy like she's a 50's housewife. It's gotten so bad that I hardly recognize these women anymore. The only one who has gotten better with time is Gabrielle and that's mainly because Eva Longoria Parker continually improves her comedic timing each season. The entire show has been sanitized of anything fun or groundbreaking every year to the point where it has become the type of show that it set out to parody originally. For years, creator Marc Cherry has promised a revamped Desperate Housewives that will return to the glory of the first season and for years the audience has been waiting for this to happen.

Gossip Girl is another show that has failed to live up to its high standards this season. I realize the show has had some tough shoes to fill after some incomparably golden episodes last season (the gorgeously shot The Dark Night, the one where Blair totally owns Serena in front of Yale's dean of admissions, the hilarious and spirited take on The Age of Innocence which managed the impossible task of momentarily making it look like Chace Crawford is a good actor) but it's like they're not even trying anymore. Like Desperate Housewives, the show has been heavily sanitized and interesting subplots either lead nowhere or to absolutely clichéd, One Tree Hill-esque endings. When Leighton fucking Meester (my #1 performance of last season) can't even manage to engage me except for the occasional bitchy one-liner, you know you're in trouble. Hopefully this week's highly publicized threesome will get thing back on track for my favorite guilty pleasure on TV (considering, of course, they pick the right people to be in this threesome).

Can you think of a show like Ugly Betty that has wavered in quality so many times during it's three season run its nearly impossible to keep up half the time? Last season ended so promisingly but right from the start, this season has been a big pile of shit. For a show that has depended for the most part on its main character being hated by every other character on the show, this season has really piled on the hatred to an almost unbearable level. If Marc makes one more snide comment about how he deserved the editors position over Betty, I swear to God I'm going to beat his face in. Shut the fuck up and get over it, you whiny bitch. The show has gotten so bad so fast I am actually dreading this week's episode in fear that it's going to be nearly as stifling and uninspiring as last week's.

I could try watching some of the new shows this season in hopes that something will fill the void left by these bland ones and that would be great if there was actually anything interesting to pick from. I'll admit that I haven't watched the supposedly great Modern Family yet, but if Glee (a fantastic debut, hit and miss ever since) and Community (I love the show but there are plenty of player haters out there) are the best new shows this season, TV is in serious trouble. It doesn't help that most of the new shows sounded either like clones of stuff that was already around (seriously, how many ER clones do we need on every channel?) or completely stupid from its description (Bitch please, The Good Wife. Like I'm supposed to feel sorry for a woman who was married to a politician and has to start life over...as a high powered attorney! Get a real problem, twat). I suppose I could quit bitching and just stop watching these shows but (a) do I ever just stop bitching about something? and (b) I have a hard time giving up on shows--it takes something catastrophically bad for me to stop watching a show I've loved for so long. None of these shows have hit that level yet, but desperately need something to shake things up again. If they don't, network TV will fall one step closer to its demise.

P.S. I know what you're thinking, "Well, what about last year's Emmy winners: 30 Rock and Mad Men? Those are surely still great." 30 Rock has been good this season so far, but there hasn't been an outstanding moment yet to compare with last year's mad season. As for Mad Men, well I kinda haven't been keeping up with that show. I started watching it every week but soon I grew tired of the way the episodes weren't really connecting with each other (they truly felt like distinct 40 minute shorts with the same characters each week). I missed one week, then another and finally I got so far behind I didn't even care anymore. Perhaps I'll catch up with a marathon one day, but at this moment I couldn't be bothered.

John & Edward are Ruining Reality Singing Competitons (And I Love Them)

During the seven long months of the year where American Idol isn't consuming my every waking thought, I go through withdrawal. Although exhausting at the time, I feel at my most alive ranting and raving like a lunatic about this dumb singing competition. I may not be solving world peace, but damn it feels good. So, thank goodness Kameron at Kameron Aloud has turned me on to this season's X-Factor. It's just the fix I need to get me through to January and the new season of Idol. And I wasted no time judging the X-Factor's finalists (Apparently I was so harsh, Kameron basically told me to shut the fuck up. Ouch. I suppose I had a lot of pent up bitchiness left over from May). I must say, I'm a tad disappointed in this season's talent. For a show that's brought us both Leona Lewis and Same Difference, I have yet to see that level of potential from more than a couple of contestants. I loved Lucie's audition, but she was kinda blah during the competition until her flawless rendition of 'My Funny Valentine' last week. The Lloydster has had a rough road thusfar, most likely due to the fact that Cheryl has yet to really understand who he is as an artist and pick a song to show that, but his much maligned 'Bleeding Love' was actually quite well done up until that awful chorus (and this is coming from a mega-fan of Leona's original). As for the others, I can't say I've been impressed. Stacie is completely overrated (her ballyhooed version of 'The Scientist' was flat, dull and went absolutely nowhere), Danyl thinks he's already won the damn thing despite being completely dull (bitch please, you are not Jennifer Hudson and you're rendition of "And I Am Telling You" will never match hers, no matter what Simon says) and I want to smack Olly in his smug face every time he appears on screen. But amid these mediocre talents, there is one act that rises above the rest and makes each week an absolute joy to watch. You know them and probably hate them: John and Edward.


Just so you know, I do realize that John and Edward can't sing. Yes, their vocals are always the weakest aspect of their performance. I get it. But they are so damn funny and they definitely know how to put on a good show. Can you honestly watch their performance of "Oops! I Did It Again" and not laugh your ass off? If you didn't at least chuckle during their recreation of the spoken word section, you honestly have no soul.

As much as I like them, however, I honestly believe they deserve every piece of criticism thrown at them from the die hard X-Factor fans. I know how it feels to have a crappy singer invade the Top 12 and then dominate the screen time with theatrics instead of legitimate music talent. Remember people, we all lived through Sanjaya. Some people loved his little joke act and saw the humor in it, but I am so obsessed with Idol that I just couldn't take it. Every damn week I cursed my screen when America voted off a promising talent in favor of this talentless moron. So, Brits, I know exactly what you're going through and I totally sympathize. But I'm not a legitimate X-Factor fanatic yet so I'm not offended by John and Edward's lack of musical talent. At this point, I'm just hoping they stick around for a few more camptastic performances until we can find a true frontrunner this year.

My Two-Cents on Paula Abdul's Departure from Idol

In case you've been living under a rock the past couple of days (or, you know, you have a life that doesn't revolve around pop culture), Paula Abdul has decided to leave her position as a judge on the highest rated show on television, American Idol. Now, I've talked about this before, but Paula and her music have been a huge part of my life--her 'Straight Up' was the first song I ever LOVED--so I was heartbroken when I heard this news the other night. Love her or hate her, the show just won't be the same without her. Her bubbly, fun loving demeanor and inarticulate criticisms were often the only thing to make the show interesting on contestants' off nights. You never knew what she was going to do next and that was the joy in watching her.

It was because of this unpredictability that Paula has become to many a media mockery, a "trainwreck" waiting to happen. But there's more to her than the fool the media has branded her. Behind her slurred speech and crazy gesticulations, there's an intelligent, caring human being underneath. If you look past all the distractions and Simon's irritating "Huh?" anytime she tried to make a good point or go against the panel, she knows exactly what she's talking about when giving advice to these superstars-in-training. No one, besides maybe Britney, has been fucked in the ass more by the industry than Paula Abdul. People forget that when they make fun of her. She's gone through more shit than any of us care to imagine.

With Paula gone, I'm afraid the chemistry at the judges table will forever be slightly off. Who will be the lone voice of reason and kindness amid Randy's "dawg"'s, Kara retarded ramblings and Simon's sarcasm (even if he's been getting lazier and lazier)? They're already trying to replace her with guest judges Katy Perry (ew) and my beloved Victoria Beckham, but neither of them are Paula or will even come close to replacing her.

And You Thought Judy's Pain Pill Addiction Was the Worst Thing to Happen to Her

In case you're eyes are still functioning after shoving pencils into them, here is Judy's version to wash that nastiness away.

American Idol Recap: Top 2 Edition

I know this is going to be incredibly biased since I've been on the Kris Allen train since "Man in the Mirror" during semi-finals week, but he owned Ms. Glambert during the first two rounds (I'm not counting the third because, as I'm sure you are well aware, the song penned by Kara DioIdon'tgiveacrap is a complete piece of shit and neither of the contestants did well with it). Okay, maybe "owned" isn't the best word, but Kris was definitely much better. His second take on "Ain't No Sunshine," definitely his most underrated performance of the season the first time around and the one that proved what a unique artist he is, was just as beautiful and stunning this go around. I'm glad that the judges finally (kinda) gave him the respect he deserves, but was anyone else peturbed by Simon's back-handed compliment that went something like "After last week, I wasn't sure if America had made the right choice." Are you fucking kidding me? Are the judges still on the Danny Gokey bandwagon? He's gone, get the fuck over it. For his first round pick, Ms. Glambert sang "Mad World" again, his most well-received performance, and it was even more dreadfully dull and lifeless than I remembered. Seriously, nothing was going on there. I don't care if it was more Phantom of the Opera or Twilight, it was still shit.

The second round brought about the dreaded Producers' Choice instead of the usual Let the Contestants Pick Their Own Damn Song. I instantly feared another Syesha Mercado-style sabotage and was prepared for them to make Kris sing something from the Monsters vs. Aliens Soundtrack. Instead, they decided to make it social message night with Adam singing "Change is Gonna Come" and Kris doing "What's Going On?" (does the producer realize that good songs didn't stop with the Civil Rights Movement?) and neither of them doing that amazingly. Ms. Glambert's performance gave me a headache with all of those unneccessary runs, falsettos and general shriekiness. I will be so glad once they hand him his (undeserved) Idol crown so I can go back to never having to listen to him again. Kris's pick was something I wouldn't have chosen for him in a million years (he's so much better at heartfelt than preachy), but he did marginally well with it and much better than the judges *cough*Simon*cough* gave him credit for. I did love Paula's comment that went something like "I know what's going on and it's you!" How amazing is this woman? Why would they even consider firing and replacing her with that dumb wench known as Kara? She can't even write a cheesy inspirational ballad that makes sense. That song, called "No Boundries," was as long, drawn-out, pointless and unwieldy as her critiques. What a fucking embarrassment--even Ms. Glambert deserved better.

I would love for Kris to win tonight, but I'm not holding my breath. Even if all of this underdog stuff is true, I still don't think it's enough to overcome the mindboggling fanbase Ms. Glambert has amassed throughout the course of the season. Besides, if Kris finishes second, he won't have to release that "No Boundries" pile of steaming shit and he can make his debut album however he wants without interference from the show. Come to think of it, can we please let him lose?

I Think This Picture Says It All

Picture courtesy of this amazing list of 25 Reasons to Vote for Kris Allen Into the American Idol Finale (half of which include his beautiful face!) brought to my attention by partner in crime in Kris Allen-obsessing this season, the ever fabulous Nick. Put the GO in Gokey!

Speaking of that last bit, I finally started watching the Idolatry videos on EW.com yesterday and I am completely in love with Kristen Baldwin and her incomparable dry wit. Seriously, I would marry her if I ever got the chance.

American Idol Recap: Top 3 Edition

Theme: Judge's Choice, Finalist's Choice and...oh wait, that's it because the judges can't keep their fucking traps shut for long enough to even get through six songs in an hour. Seriously, how do they keep going past 9:00 every damn episode?

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "Heartless" Just when I was ready to write Kris off after a decent first round performance and Gokey mugging his way through "You Are So Beautiful," proving what an "amazing" "vocalist" he is, he surprised everyone with by announcing that he was doing a Kanye West song. Readers, I'm not going to lie- I literally did the gay inhale at this point. The sheer audacity of the choice combined with the artistry and knack for turning the most random songs (ie She Works Hard for the Money, Remember the Time, Ain't No Sunshine) into material that works for him as an artist was enough to get me excited. With the level of depth and feeling he mined from a song that's currently one of the most robotic songs on the radio, Mr. Allen did not disappoint in the slightest and in fact improved upon the original. The greatest thing about this performance is that, for once, Kris has stolen the spotlight from the seemingly unstoppable train of publicity from one Glambert and gotten everyone in America talking about his performance (Hell, my friend who never even watches the show told me via Facebook this morning that she caught his performance and was so impressed she called and voted for him). This kind of buzz couldn't have come at a better time.

Paula Claps
Quite good

Kris Allen "Apologize" Not as amazing as it could have been, but the way the judges went on, you would have thought it was the most atrocious thing they had ever heard. I love (ie really, really detest) how the judges often criticize the singers for changing up the melody when it was strong enough to be sung straight through, but when Kris does just that, they tell him he should have changed it up. Still, A++ for effort (if the judges can use that as a critique, so can I!).

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Adam Lambert "Cryin'" Clichéd and uninspiring. He did everything you would expect him to do with the song and consequently I was bored silly. Next.

Adam Lambert "One" When Simon picked this song out, did he have a brainfart and completely forget that Mary J. Blige did the ultimate cover of this song a couple of years ago (and even sang it with Elliot Yamin on the Season 5 Finale) or did he honestly think that Adam was ever going to match that genuine emotion MJB brought to it? This song was a complete failure on all fronts.

Danny Gokey "You Are So Beautiful" Seriously? Of all the songs in the universe you could ever pick, you go with this eternally dull and hopelessly old-fashioned choice? If this is any hint about what your first album is going to sound like, excuse me while I stick my head in an oven to escape the sound of feel-goody Christian bullshit and insipid romantic ballads. I think I'd rather listen to Eoghan Quigg's album (Haha, okay, maybe that was taking it a bit too far, but the point still stands).

Danny Gokey "Dance Little Sister" I was unfamiliar with Terence Trent D'Arby's version of this song, so I decided to YouTube it and I can honestly see where Paula was going with this choice (whoever said she was the weak link on the panel honestly needs to reappraise their standards- she is honestly the only decent judge left on the show). Unfortunately for her, Danny completely let her down--what else is new--and just mangled this song like a cat sharpening it's claws all over your brand new leather couch. D'Arby was able to use his growly voice and still keep the song light and airy; Gokey, on the other hand, just completely deflated any attempt at smoothness, especially with those epically bad "Do-do-do's" which lingered there like a bad aftertaste. If this fucker gets in the finals over Kris Allen, I seriously have no clue how I will react. It will either be an uncontrollable rage that lands me in jail or a coma-like trance that I won't emerge from for a long while.

American Idol Recap: Top 4 Edition

Okay, I'm not doing my usual tier thing because 1) if you read this blog often enough, you'll know exactly how it will end up, so why bother? and 2) I'm so pissed at tonight's Idol show that I just need to rant about it to get it out of my system. First of all, the show's treatment of my Kris was abominable. We all know that this week was going to be rough for our favorite mellow, hip indie fellow, but he was completely fucked over by the show at every twist and turn. After finishing his duet with Danny (And, seriously, what the fuck was with that? I don't watch Idol to see stupid duets thrown together for no reason other than to fill time. What happened to having each contestant sing two songs?), Simon declared Danny to be the "winner" of the duet. Well, of course he was the winner since he SHOUTED over Kris anytime they had to sing together. Besides, the song was not suited to Kris's voice at all. Then, after a short commercial break, Kris had to come back out and sing his solo. I was a bit nervous about his choice of The Beatles' "Come Together," especially after Carly Smithson knocked it out of the park last year with the best performance of the entire season, but then he started singing and, of course, added his own personal touch to it. Was it his best performance? No, but that doesn't mean it deserved the beating it got from the judges. I'm just wondering what the hell they were expecting. Kris wasn't suddenly going to grow a big, meaty voice over the course of a week and compete with the others in that way, so he did what he always does: adding a real emotional layer that is absent from the two favorites (Danny and Adam) in this competition.

While we're on the topic of those two, can we talk about how incredibly shitty their performances were? Adam went back to his old shrieking routine and, of course, the judges loved it with Simon going so far as to proclaim it the best of the night. Oh, did I mention he went first? Seriously Simon? Could you be any more obvious? Danny was just as bad and that horrific last note on "Dream On" made me want to jump off a five story building and smash my head onto the ground. Thankfully, the judges were the harshest on him they've have been all season. It was a complete trainwreck from beginning to end and an embarrassment to all involved. Allison picked the right artist and song for her voice and I'm glad that she stood up to Kara's absolutely stupid idea that she should have sung "Piece of My Heart" since, like Allison said, that has been done so many times.

One final complaint: when they were doing the duets, why did they pair the two rockers against the two non-rockers and then act like it was fair for Simon to compare them? That would be like having James Blunt and Leona Lewis team up to compete with Missy Elliott and Eve in a rap contest; it makes no fucking sense at all. If they were smart, they would have split Adam and Allison up to see the rock magic they could bring to the others. Then again, this season of Idol hasn't exactly been known for being smart.

American Idol Recap: Top 5 Edition

Theme: Rat Pack style music with Jamie Foxx as the super secret mentor. Yeah, I've got nothing.

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "The Way You Look Tonight" Didn't he look gorgeous tonight? Yum. He should be in a suit every week. Oh, and the performance was excellent as well. But do you really expect anything less from Mr. Allen? I didn't think so.

Allison Iraheta "Someone to Watch Over Me" Another brilliant performance from Ms. Iraheta that was pretty much fucked over by Simon and his stupid comments. Of course she wants to win this or why else would she be here? What a fucking stupid question to ask.

Paula Claps
Quite good

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Matt Giraud "My Funny Valentine" The beginning was awful and the whole thing was nowhere near as good as Melinda Doolittle's superb rendition on season 6. Sad to say, but I think this may have been his final performance (even though Simon loved it for whatever reason).

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Danny Gokey "Come Rain or Come Shine" Awful, awful, awful. The beginning was boring as hell which lead up to the inevitable shouting fest that is included, no charge, in any Danny Gokey number. I still do not see how the judges think that he is marketable in any way possible. Who the Christ is going to buy his Christian, feel good, soul music shit?

Adam Lambert "Feeling Good" This was terrible even by Adam Lambert's awful standards. Way too over-the-top and that maddening shrieking returned as well. Blurg. When he sang that glory note towards the end, I said to my friend sitting next to me, "The judges are going to eat that shit up." And they did. Gah, this douche's inevitable road to the season 8 crown gets me angrier by the minute.

American Idol Recap: Top 7 (Again) Edition

Theme: Disco Night. And it wasn't as atrocious as you would think.

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "She Works Hard for the Money" OMG I HAVE TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M SO EXCITED AT HOW SPLENDIFEROUS THIS PERFORMANCE WAS. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT TURNING DONNA SUMMER'S DISCO CLASSIC INTO AN ACOUSTIC JAM WOULD HAVE WORKED AS WELL AS IT DID. MARRY ME KRIS, YOU ARE SO FREAKING AMAZING XOXO.

Paula Clap
Quite good

Allison Iraheta "Hot Stuff" Only Allison could make a rock-ified version of the Donna Summer classic work as well as it did, but I really wish next week she would pick a song that didn't seem so "obvious." I want her to dig and dig through the songs she can choose from and pick one that will allow her to stretch a bit and not just rock out to a super obvious and already covered song. Other than that, fantastic work from Miss Iraheta as usual.

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Matt Giraud "Staying Alive" I liked this number at first, but after a couple of listens it's starting to completely annoy me. As with the original Bee Gee's version, the opening is epic and Matt completely nails it. But after the first chorus, the song just drags and poor Matt is just going down with a sinking ship. It wasn't bad enough to get him voted off, but you never know with America. They're complete fucktards some most of the time.

Adam Lambert "If I Can't Have You" Mr. Shrieky slows it down and "emotes," pounding every note and word into our brain with the subtlety of a sledgehammer and draining every ounce of emotion he can out of the lyrics like the complete ham that he is. I think Mr. Shrieky would make a fine Broadway musical actor, tucked away in some theatre where I never have to hear from him again, but I would never EVER want to hear him on the radio. And I doubt many others will either.

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Anoop "Dim All the Lights" He got the pimp slot and I'm still having trouble remembering anything about his performance except that botched last note. Oops.

Lil Rounds "I'm Every Woman" Girlfriend, it's time to pack it up and head on home. Karaoke at it's worst and it's not all about having fun on the stage; you need to sing, girl!

Danny Gokey "September" I love my Paula, but the woman is delusional if she honestly believes that Dead Wife Guy deserves to be in the finals (even Adam is leagues above him). The judges constantly yell at Lil (and rightly so) for doing karaoke versions of every song she does, but why does Danny never get yelled at for doing the exact same thing week after week? Is it because they think that the shouting he adds to every song equals emotion or something revelatory? I have no clue and am at a complete loss for words why this douchebag keeps on getting praised when he has not even come close to having a "moment" on that stage.

American Idol Disco Night Predictions

Because I'm desperately avoiding studying for my exams at the moment, here is what I think the Idols will sing tonight during Disco Night.

• Kris Allen "I Will Survive" (Acoustic) (Because he will want to embrace the gay audience who so obviously adores him)
• Allison Iraheta "Heart of Glass" (Because I'm having a really hard time coming up with a song for her. Possibly something by Donna Summer, but not something as obvious as "Hot Stuff" or "Last Dance")
• Matt Giraud "Everlasting Love" (Because it seems perfect for him)
• Anoop "Can't Get Enough of Your Love Babe" (Because he obviously can't do a ballad this week and he thinks he's a sex symbol)
• Adam Lambert "Staying Alive" (Because this is kinda obvious, right? If not this one, than probably some other Bee Gees song or Gloria Gaynor's "I Am What I Am")
• Danny Gokey "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty" (Because he'll want "to have fun" this week and the judges have constantly reassured him that he could sing the phone book, so why the hell not?)
• Lil Rounds "Don't Leave Me This Way" (Because she thinks she can belt like the big divas and, obviously, she will fail. Another possible choice: "It's Raining Men")

American Idol Recap: Top 7 Edition

Theme: It was supposed to be Songs from the Movies, but somewhere along the way, 5 of the 7 contestants interpreted this "Sing a Cheesy Powerballad from a Film from the 80's or 90's." Seriously, what the fuck? You could sing any song from any movie- that's over 80 years of music to choose from- and the best you can come up with is not one, but TWO Bryan Adams songs, "Endless Love" and that horribly overplayed song from Armageddon? Jesus Christ.

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "Falling Slowly" Far and away the best performance of the night, if not the season. Not only was the song choice audacious but it was also perfect for his whole musical persona. Needless to say, I've already listened to it 20 times in a row this morning on the way to and from class. A classic in every sense of the word.

Paula Clap
Quite good

Allison Iraheta "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" Terrible, terrible song choice and for that reason alone, I almost knocked her down a level. But, it's Allison, so she actually did quite well with what she chose. I would really love for her to take a chance next week and pick a song that hasn't been done on the show a million times before.

Matt Giraud "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" Another terrible, terrible song choice but it didn't turn out too badly. I really don't understand the trashing he gets every other week, because I think he's consistently good every week and does know to do the rock songs (or, in this case, lite pop songs).

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Adam Lambert "Born to Be Wild" After such dreary and lame song choices, I'm glad that Adam thought outside the box and picked something that pre-dated the Reagan Era. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean it was any good. While I've definitely heard worse from him, this was still a steaming pile of crap.

Anoop "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" Zzzzzzz. I'm beginning to wonder if Randy is confusing "soulful" with "coma-inducing."

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Danny Gokey "Endless Love" Boring even by the eternally dull Danny Gokey's standards. Of course, when he finally gets a negative critique from the judges, they have to bring up his dead wife to ensure that he won't get in the bottom three. Seriously judges, how low can you go?

Lil Rounds "The Rose" Every week, Lil takes on a song by a big diva and every week she gets told that it was a mistake. So what does she do this week? Pick a song by Bette motherfucking Midler. Was she high when she thought that work? Not only did her version not even come with in the same galaxy as Bette's classic version, but it was a messy, overworked, shrieking nightmare. And what the fuck was up with that wig. As I commented to my friend during her performance, "I've seen hookers with better wigs." Please, America, put us out of our misery.

American Idol Recap: Top 8 Edition

Theme: Songs from the year you were born in...another Idol classic

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Allison Iraheta "I Can't Make You Love Me" Okay, I will admit that I audibly groaned when I heard this song choice (Ugh, haven't we heard this song- good and bad- a million times before?) but Allison completely rocked it in her usual way. Why oh why does America keep voting her in the bottom after performances as strong as this one? They can't honestly believe she's worse than half of the other paltry contestants.

Paula Clap
Quite good

Matt Giraud "Part-Time Lover" Once I heard he was doing a Stevie Wonder song, I immediately figured that Randy would wildly exclaim, as he's prone to do in situations like this, that you should never, ever mess with a song done by someone as idiosyncratic as Stevie Wonder. I guess we were all surprised because Matt nailed it, making me forget that Stevie had ever done the original, and Randy actually liked it.

Kris Allen "All She Wants to Do is Dance" Okay, so it obviously wasn't his strongest performance to date, but the judges were way too harsh on him. "Indulgent"? Really, Mr. Cowell? What was indulgent about this performance that wasn't about more than half of Adam Lambert's? Or Danny Gokey's?

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Adam Lambert "Mad World" Well, at least it wasn't the Godawful shrieking mess that we've come to expect from Adam. Unfortunately, this week's performance was boring to the point of tedium. Sigh. The fact that all of the judges- even Simon!- went completely apeshit for it is further proof that Adam could literally bring out the phonebook, sing it and still win this damn thing.

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Anoop "True Colors" Paula's totally loopy and slightly expected comment about Anoop being "beautiful like all the colors of the rainbow" (or something like that) was a million times better than this yawn of a performance. Why do the judges keep complimenting him on these dreadful ballads?

Danny Gokey "Stand By Me" Given the chance to sing any song from 1980 that he wanted, it would figure that Danny "I'm a complete square" Gokey would pick one that was made popular 25 years before. There was absolutely nothing noteworthy about this performance; it's exactly what you would expect from Danny every single week. Lame. Give me some excitement please.

Lil Rounds "What's Love Got to Do With It?" Absolutely dreadful. This woman obviously
doesn't have what it takes and I'm actually glad that the judges are admitting it and not covering it up with stupid compliments (*cough*Blind guy*cough*).

Scott MacIntyre "The Search is Over" At one point during this painful experience Scott called a performance, I touched my ear and blood literally came out. Please, America, make it end.

Who Should Go Home: For the love of God, please send Scott home.
Who Will Go Home: I'm guessing Lil since America really hates the girls this season.

American Idol Recap: Top 9 Edition

Theme: Songs that are popular on iTunes...or, basically, any song available for download on iTunes. What a horrible theme. Why didn't they just say "Pick any damn song you want"? It would have been much clearer.

And the crappy theme wasn't the only thing that made me angry about this week's episode of American Idol. Was it just me, or were the judges completely wrong in nearly all of their critiques? It was so bizarre. I would watch a performance, say Matt Giraud, and think, "Hmmm...I quite liked it. Not perfect, but still passable" and then listen to the judges ten seconds later completely rip to shreds. Excuse me? And what about when the exact opposite happened with Danny Gokey (Me: "Bor-ing!" Judges: "BEST PERFORMANCE EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!")? Plus, their specific critiques were so ridiculously stupid that I was this close to turning off the damn TV. For instance, how about Kara's idea that Megan should have sung Adele's beautiful "Chasing Pavements"? Yeah, that would be great if the song weren't unimprovable. God, this woman is so stupid sometimes. Megan's voice sounds too similar to Adele, Duffy and Amy Winehouse for her to pull off a cover of any of their songs. You don't want to hear any R&B diva attempting a Whitney Houston song because they're never going to match the original and it's the same problem with Megan and those singers. Also, the judges' pimping of certain performers has never been so obvious as it is this season. They are so dead set on a Danny-Adam-Lil Top 3 that they are giving a collective shurg to Kris and Allison, two of the most inspiring contestants in this- or any- seasons (and by inspiring, I mean musically, not in the Danny/Scott/Lil cheap manipulation way). Frankly, at this point, if Danny, Adam and Lil were arrested for snorting cocaine off of 12 year old child prostitutes and then came on stage and just sat there yawning, while Kris worked his magic on something as out there as "Fergalicious," the judges would still be tripping all over themselves to praise those three while Kris gets a "Quite good, but you need to work on [insert some totally ridiculous and retarded trait here]" It's all so maddening!

Whew. Sorry about that. I just had to get it off my chest. Now, on to the performances.

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "Ain't No Sunshine" Are you guys sick of hearing about Kris Allen yet? If so, too bad, because unless he stops either being (1) hot or (2) amazing (and neither of those are very likely at this point) I won't be shutting up. Kris admitted that he was attempting to have a "moment" with a song and I must say he certainly succeeded. Not only the best performance of the night, but one of the best of the entire season. And yet the judges didn't go as apeshit as they did over Dead Wife Guy's performance. I just don't get it.

Paula Clap
Quite good

Allison Iraheta "Don't Speak" I thought the song choice was a little weak and it is one of those songs that really can't be reinterpreted, but, if the comment "you could sing the phonebook" applied to anyone this season, it would be Allison. I absolutely love her no matter what she does. And I, for one, found her hair to be gloriously over-the-top and amazing. The outfit wasn't great, but certainly Lil has committed worse fashion faux pas.

Matt Giraud "You Found Me" The more I read other people's reviews of last night's Idol (including rundowns from Vance and RJ that are obviously better than mine), the more I have come to the conclusion that I'm the only person who actually liked this performance. I thought his voice added a lot of grit and emotion to the song and it was nowhere near the disaster that was "Viva la Vida" like the judges seemed to believe.

Megan Joy "Turn Your Lights Down Low" Can we just agree on one thing: it was better than last week's disaster, right? I thought that the first half was a little rough, but once she found her groove, it improved substantially. Once again she got massacred by the judges and I'm afraid that she's going home before the blind guy. Blurg.

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Anoop "That One Usher Song That's Not Really That Famous" Meh. Not especially interesting or exciting. Pretty much a carbon copy of the original. Will Anoop ever find that groove he hit with "My Prerogative" a couple of weeks ago? It's looking like a big fat no.

Adam Lambert "That One Disco Song That No One Should Ever Touch With a Ten Foot Pole on This Show" It's like this guy's one sole mission in life is to make me hate him even more by the week. After I give him a compliment last week for toning his shriekiness down and actually singing, what does he do? Comes back with another of his over-the-top monsterosities, this time to the disco classic "Play That Funky Music." He did change up the song a bit and it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been, but...just don't do this song. Ever.

Lil Rounds "Another Power Ballad to Try and Prove She Can Sang" What a complete piece of shit. Girlfriend, you will never be Celine or Whitney or Mariah, so just give it up. And why are you still getting positive criticisms from the judges?! That just blows my mind.

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Scott MacIntyre "Another Dire Piano Ballad? Color Me Surprised" It was better than last week, but so was the Columbine massacre in comparison with the Holocaust. That still doesn't mean he's any good.

Danny Gokey "Some Song Where He Convinces People That Shouting = Emotion" STOP SHOUTING. WE GET IT. YOU FEEL SOMETHING WHEN YOU SING THIS SONG. And, contrary to Dead Wife Guy's belief, not everyone likes Rascal Flatts. The only version of "What Hurts the Most" I would ever want to listen to is Cascada's immaculate dance hall version.

Who Should Go Home: Scott MacIntyre, please put us out of our misery.
Who Will Go Home: I'm dreading the impending Megan elimination, but it's looking quite inevitable at this point.