Random Top 10: Sonny With a Chance Moments

With the recent news that Demi Lovato is leaving Sonny With a Chance to focus on her music career, I think it's time to bid a proper adieu to the beloved Disney show. The show had already announced that it was changing names (So Random!) and formats (sketch comedy), but Demi leaving is the final nail in the coffin. No one watches the show for the sketches, and without Demi, the show will be missing a vital ingredient that made it a success in the first place. Sterling Knight and Tiffany Thornton will have no one to bounce their insanity off of and it will be a total mess. But instead of dwelling on the negative, I want to celebrate this fabulous show. Sonny With a Chance proved to me that Disney shows could be as legit as network TV and got me watching Wizards of Waverly Place another amazing "kiddie" show. Their epic first season should have nabbed a few Emmys, while the second season, although not as strong overall, showed at least once an episode that the show was just as cutting edge as it was in the past. I will miss this show dearly. Let's take this opportunity to honor some of the best moments the show has given us as a way of saying thank you to Demi, Tiffany, Sterling and company for two seasons of pure joy.

10. The Real Princesses of New Jersey sketch on "So Random Holiday"

"Hey, yo, I walked the five feet to the front door so how 'bout a lil' somethin'-somethin' for your Prince Carmine, ya know what I'm sayin'?"

As a general rule, the sketches on So Random!, the show-within-a-show on Sonny With a Chance, are flat and uninspired, an opportunity for lowbrow humor before we get to the real show. But during a special holiday-themed episode filled with So Random! sketches this past season, this gem emerged. The ladies had previously done this sketch earlier in the season, and it turned out surprisingly well, but adding Sterling Knight as a guido Prince Charming proved to be the missing ingredient that pushed this sketch over the top. How can you not immediately love a sketch that features the SWAC cast parodying Jersey Shore, Demi/Sonny screeching "What am I, an animal?!" or a casual reference to Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road? Springsteen! On a Disney show! Imagine that.

09. Chad and Tawni's Conversation in "With a Chance of Dating"

Sterling and Tiffany were rarely afforded the chance to work together, but whenever they did, they immediately clicked. My favorite moment between them is when they are discussing Sonny's upcoming date with a former flame of Tawni's, mainly because of this awesome exchange:

 

Chad: Why do you want him to back off?

Tawni: Why are you wearing a bib?
Chad: Jealous?

Tawni: I have my own bib!

08. 'High School Miserable'

One of the reasons I loved Sonny With a Chance so much was because of its fearless ability to comment on the conventions of tweenage celebrity and the culture that goes with it. Sonny With a Chance couldn't exist without the Disney Channel and its never ending parade of stars, shows and movies. In this episode, the cast has been fired from So Random! and are forced to go to a public high school. Accustomed to the life of Disney celebrity, the gang (minus Sonny) have no idea how to function in a normal high school setting. When they are rejected by everyone in the school, they start expressing their feelings through song. An onlooker asks Sonny what they are doing. She, shaking her head, says, "Apparently the only high school they know is the musical one." Begrudgingly, Sonny leads a choreographed number straight out of High School Musical. Instead of joining in on the routine, however, the rest of the cafeteria starts booing while throwing their trash at them. The delicious joke at the end which makes this sequence a hilarious send off to Disney's biggest hit: Sonny telling her booing classmates, "Seriously, guys? We just made all of that up!"

07. "Eat carbs, you animals!"

Tiffany Thornton has had many, many wonderful moments as self-absorbed diva Tawni Hart, battling Sonny for the spotlight or indulging in her own vanity. There is this really great moment in the episode "Fast Friends" where Tawni steals the show by (momentarily) helping Sonny out. Sonny has just done an interview where, inadvertently, she goes all "diva crazy" on Chad. She goes to the cafeteria, hoping to get him to admit that it was all a misunderstanding, but is immediately pelted with food by angry people ("There she is. There's the monster!"). Sonny enlists Tawni to cover her while she goes to speak to Chad. Tawni starts throwing rolls at the angry people, shouting "Eat carbs, you animals!" It's a simple moment, but Thornton completely nails it.

06. Chad Being Chad in "Sonny and the Studio Brat"

Chad Dylan Cooper is a one-of-a-kind character and I still stand by my belief that Sterling Knight should have gotten at the very least an Emmy nomination for bringing this character to life. "Sonny and the Studio Brat" isn't his episode, per se, but he does steal scenes like a motherfucking criminal. Witness some of his finest moments right here:

Sonny: Chad, you're so superficial.

 Chad: All I hear when you say that is, "Chad, you're so super blah blah blah blah"

Sonny: I have the sweetest girl here and she really wants to meet you.

Chad: Ooooh, what's she look like?

Sonny: She's nine.

Chad: *hangs up*

 

"Oh daddy?!"

05. Gassie's Funeral

There was a moment in the first two and a half episodes of the second season of Sonny With a Chance where I thought the show had lost the spark that made it so great the first season. The third episode started off with a whimper--the farting dog from one of So Random!'s most popular sketches has suddenly past away thanks to Sonny giving the unloved dog too much attention--but ended with a massive bang that proved the show was just as biting as ever. Chad offers to throw a memorial for Gassie since Sonny is too distraught to do it. She wants a tasteful ceremony which is Chad's cue to throw an extravagant memorial complete with a choir and speeches from his co-stars. While Chad is directing the whole memorial and Tawni is turning her eulogy into yet another attempt to make everything about her, Nico and Grady are trying to make a buck selling useless farting lunchboxes as memorial souvenirs. Coming just 8 months after the death of Michael Jackson and the media circus surrounding his funeral that everyone, even members of his family, took advantage of for their own gain, this is a biting commentary on the state of celebrity deaths circa 2010 ("You saw him as nothing more than a tooting ATM.").

04. "WHY SO SERIOUS?"

Tawni, spending a couple of days without looking in the mirror, ends up looking like The Joker. It's a funny moment that proved that Sonny With a Chance, unlike some other Disney shows, isn't trapped in its own little world and can make suitable pop culture references with the best of them.

03. Sonny and Chad's Fake Date

"Now smile like you're having the time of your life."

From the moment Sonny and Chad first met, sparks flew and it was only a matter of time before they would become the biggest "will they or won't they?" couple in all of TV. It took a couple of episodes, but the Sonny With a Chance writers finally started letting them explore their feelings for each other in this episode by putting them together on a "fake" date to get revenge on a guy who done Sonny wrong. The date starts off with the typical banter that comes from putting Sonny and Chad in the same room ("If we're gonna hold hands, you have to switch sides...This is my hand-holding hand!") but slowly progresses to a point where they are "hypothetically" expressing their desire to date each other. Of course, their original mission interrupts any further attempt at exploring feelings, but it's still a total squee-worthy moment. Another reason this scene is amazing: I believe it's the first time we hear Chad's infamous sign-off "Peace out, suckas! Aaaah!"

02. Banning Zac Efron

"Because it's my wall. And I like saying I banned Zac Efron. There will come a day when Zac Efron comes knocking on that door and he's like, 'Hey, can I come in.' And I'll be like 'Oh no. You're banned."

 

The rivalry between tween heartthrob Chad Dylan Cooper and his more widely-popular foe Zac Efron made for some of the best in-jokes on the show, especially since Sterling Knight is friends with Efron in real life. CDC may be the greatest actor of his generation but the popularity of Efron is something he will always be trying to achieve.

01. "Battle of the Networks' Stars"

I'm choosing the entire episode because how can I be forced to single out one moment from the greatest episode the show ever created? "Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a brilliant synthesis of comedy for Disney's main demographic (children) and a more mature, meta commentary on these tween celebrities. The episode is about Chad directing a movie of his life. After trying to find suitable actors to portray the "losers from So Random!--no offense," Chad relents by allowing the real people play themselves. Except Sonny, that is, who is forced to audition for her role ("This is Sonny Munroe reading for the part of Sonny Munroe"). Before she's even finished, Chad has hired fellow Disney thespian Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato's best friend in real life at the time, to portray Sonny. Shenanigans ensue, which include Sonny calling Selena, in an obvious reference to her role on Wizards of Waverly Place, a "relationship wizard" when she calls Sonny out on liking Chad, and Selena mentioning that she was in a movie called Camp Hip-Hop, referring to Demi's breakout Disney movie. The episodes culminates in a scene on the set of Chad Dylan Cooper: The Chad Dylan Cooper Story. In a move straight out of Synecdoche, New York, Selena has hired Sonny as her "Sonny consultant" to help her get more into character. Mad at Chad, or attempting to hide her true feelings for him, she interrupts shooting a few times, reminding Selena that when Chad's "staring into your eyes, he's really staring at his reflection in your eyes." After calling him "the worst actor of our generation," Chad explodes and they erupt into the most passionately angry fight I've ever seen on a Disney show. I thought for sure they were going to jump each other.

Besides being a truly hilarious episode--even Nico, after spending time with lookalikes of himself and Grady who know how to get girls, gets a funny line: "Maybe they can teach us to be better versions of ourselves"--"Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a sly exploration of Sonny and Chad's relationship. Chad's movie recreates key moments in the Sonny and Chad relationship we've seen on Sonny With a Chance, but Chad has tweaked them so that Sonny has fallen in love with him. Is this simply an ego boost for Chad, a reminder that he can get any girl to fall in love with him, or is it wishful thinking on his part? And after Selena insists that Sonny has feelings for Chad, Sonny decides to don a cloak and wizard hat to become "relationship wizard" Selena, just as Selena has become Sonny. It's a great visual gag, and it does allow Chad to call Sonny "Scary Potter," but it's also a defense mechanism for Sonny. She becomes Selena as a way of distracting herself from the fact that what Selena said may be true. The fact that Sonny With a Chance chooses to portray the Sonny and Chad relationship in this manner is truly astounding; the fact that it does this while also being hilariously quotable is further proof that this was not just another Disney show.

Please Remember. Don't Surrender.

When I came home from class tonight to the devastating news that Disney starlet and Rants of a Diva fave Demi Lovato had left her current tour with the Jonas Brothers to admit herself into a treatment center to address "physical and emotional issues," I had quite mixed emotions about the whole affair. On one hand, the suddenness and severity of the news caught me completely off guard. Usually, an inevitable announcement like this comes in stages after weeks or even months of erratic behavior reported vociferously by the press. I was around during the glory days of Brit's and Lindsay's (early) meltdowns, so I'm well aware of how these things are usually handled in the press. But Disney must have been working overtime trying to cover all the tracks because this announcement totally blind sided everyone.

On the other hand, when you sit down and think about it after the initial shock has passed, the news is not that surprising. Of the three main Disney girls (Miley & Selena being the other two), I've always thought of Demi as the goddess of the House of Mouse: beautiful, talented, friendly yet not entirely knowable. She's put on this pedestal for all to admire yet I have always gotten the sense that there was more to her than her public persona ever gave away, a sadness that she had to keep hidden. And, ironically, this makes her the most human of the three girls. Negative, hateful press affected her more than anyone; Selena is far too "new" to the mainstream while Miley has been dealing with it longer and has developed a thick skin. The never ending stress of being a highly valuable Disney star certainly took its toll on her. I remember reading her Twitter during the summer of '09 when she was shooting Camp Rock 2 and she was lamenting about how exhausted she was by her non-stop schedule. This is probably something every celebrity has done from time to time, especially with the advent of Twitter, but there was a note of desperate sadness that I've never forgotten. Plus, you can't forget that this is a woman who was shooting a movie in Toronto while on a hiatus from a nationwide, headlining tour while in the midst of promoting her sophomore album who, after the movie wrapped, would go right back to her tour and then rush back to make more episodes of her sitcom. Add to that the fact that she was only 16 or 17 at the time and her exhaustion makes perfect sense. Child stars never have it easy and it takes an incredibly strong person to weather half the shit many of the Disney stars of today have to go through.

If nothing else, the one event that catapulted Demi to the mainstream quicker than anything else was the announcement that she and Joe Jonas had taken their friendship to a whole new level. From the start, the relationship smelled fishy, and, sure enough, the relationship lasted mere months; Demi and Joe, however, assured everyone that they would remain professional. While I would never question Demi's professionalism, I did wonder how exactly she would react in public about the whole ordeal. Although she hasn't gone quite as far as Taylor Swift in talking about her relationships in public, we can't forget that this is the same woman who, after being asked how her best friend at the time Selena Gomez was doing, quipped "Ask Taylor [Swift]" with a sarcastic grin on her face. She got a good one in on Joe during this concert in Brazil, but for all her apparent bitterness, you know the whole ordeal hurt her more than she let on. You can only be so tough for so long. And when your ex is flaunting his new girlfriend (Joe has been apparently dating Twilight star Ashley Greene for a month or so) in front of your face, and you're stuck with him for months on end, that has to be next to impossible to deal with.

When the news of Demi entering a treatment facility first broke, the speculation about the reasons for her entering was rampant. Was it drugs? Mental illness? An alleged fight she got into while on tour? Finally, the apparent causes reared their ugly head and it was even sadder than anyone imagined: self-mutilation and an eating disorder stemming from her long history of being bullied. She's often spoken out against bullying, admitting that she was bullied so severely in middle school she had to leave to get home schooled. The fact that she's been so traumatized by this that she is still dealing with it years later, and in unhealthy ways, is heartbreaking. I wish Demi a speedy recovery, but I don't want to see her until she is back to 100%. None of this Lindsay Lohan bullshit, spending 30 days in recovery, telling everyone "I'm fine" and then back to your old habits. I don't care how long it takes. I just want my Demi happy and healthy. We love you, gurl, and have nothing but positive energy for you.

7 Things About Miley Cyrus' Autobiography Miles to Go

01. Miles to Go only covers four years in the life of Miley: from the time she first auditioned for Hannah Montana at 12 to the time of the book's publication at 16. Given that microscopic period of time, the book is 260 goddamn pages! Granted, the type is enormous and I'm pretty sure it's triple-spaced, but still. I couldn't even fill 50 pages about those four years. And it's not like much happened to her. Sure, she's the Queen of Disney, but she devotes most of the book to her homespun wisdom about being yourself, Christian values and quality family time. Bitch please. We don't want to read that. We wanna hear about all of your celebrity exploits and run-ins with tween celebrities.

02. The notes on the side are cute at first. But by page 70, they're kinda annoying.

03. I love that she openly admits to not liking Emily Osment during the course of the first two seasons of Hannah Montana. Of course, they somehow overcome their differences and are now BFFs, but the moments she describes of tension between them are some of the only genuine, unfiltered moments in the entire book.

04. Miley, gurl, there's no point giving your former boyfriend that you ended up writing '7 Things' about the nickname "Prince Charming." We all know it's Nick Jonas. And where's the dirt?! Come on, pull a Taylor Swift and give us some juicy details.

05. "During the TV series, I'd become more and more of a Method actor. In Method acting you use experiences from real life to summon emotions for your character." I literally cannot believe she had the balls to say this. According to Miley, she should be considered along with her peers like Brando, Clift and Dean. And to think that before this I considered Brenda Song as one of her acting contemporaries.

06. Very briefly, Miley mentions her friend Lesley. As in, "My best friend Lesley said, 'Oh, she's just being Miley.'" I'm such a nerd I nearly did the gay inhale.

07. I'm glad that she's so close with her family and that they tried their damnedest to live a "normal" life. But after awhile they come off not as mere mortals but as Saint Billy Ray and Tish. It's so annoying listening to her go on and on about how great they are, how they are always there for her, how they always put the family before any of the fame stuff, etc. We get it, they're better than my parents. Let's move on.

So, overall, the book is a C-. Not horrible for this type of book and definitely not as bad as you'd expect with Miley as a co-author. Also, it wasn't nearly as difficult to get through as either of the Twilight books I bothered to read. I wish she was more revealing but I also understand why she can't. Still, I can't wait for another 10 years, after she's gone completely slutty, when we get a tell-all book about our beloved tween stars. Maybe she can title it Miley: Still Not Tamed, Motherfucker.

"I've got to talk to you about something."

Chad: Is this about our date?

Sonny: Yes, I just...I think we need to call it off.

Chad: What, is this about me not telling you how things play out between Mac and Chloe?

Sonny: No, I seriously don't care about them or The Falls right now. I just...I think I rushed into something I didn't fully think through.

Chad: That hurts me, Sonny.

Sonny: I'm sorry.


Chad: How could you say you don't care about The Falls?

Sonny: Whoa, whoa, wait. What are you more upset about: the fact that I'm calling off our date or that I'm over The Falls?


Chad: [Pauses] That's a toughie.

Sonny: That's a toughie?

Chad: Well, if you date me, you date The Falls. So if you hurt one of us, you hurt us both.

Sonny: Oh my Gosh. I can't believe I was so close to going on a date with you. What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't thinking...

Chad: Yeah, and ironically this is a drama free zone so...SECURITY!

Sonny: Let me tell you something, 24 hours ago I fell in love with a guy named Mackenzie and you, Chad, are no...


Chad: Don't say Mackenzie. DO NOT say Mackenzie.

Sonny: ...Mackenzie


Chad: That's it, she said it. Where's my security? You are no longer welcome at The Falls!


Sonny: You said Falls!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Miley is Officially a Pop Star

While others with more refined musical palettes have been blasting the new Scissor Sisters and Kylie Minogue albums the past couple of days, I have had the new Miley Cyrus album on repeat. Believe it or not, and let me be the first to say that I was skeptical at first, Can't Be Tamed is a stunner. We heard the possibilities in 'See You Again' and 'Party in the USA,' but this album proves once and for all that Miley is a bonafide pop star.

Let's start with the album title. Can't Be Tamed is quite possibly the most brilliant title for a teenage vixen's album since Brit's Oops!...I Did It Again. Miley has been continuously pushing the boundaries of her Disney persona, following a cycle of blatantly flaunting her sexuality and then apologizing while remarking that people "just don't get it." With Can't Be Tamed presumably announcing her as this wild, uninhibited 17-year-old looking for some penis and a good time, Miley has been on a tear lately, making out with a chick on Britain's Got Talent and continuously wearing controversially sexy outfits every time she performs live on TV. Critics have been harassing her for weeks about this, but, honestly, this is exactly what she wants people to do. Miley, like Britney and Jessica Simpson before her, is smarter than we give her credit for. She knows that by doing these slightly outrageous acts, she'll get far more attention from the haters than if she played it safe. Every time a negative report about her rampant sexuality comes on, you know Miley's sitting at home, probably munching on some Pringles, laughing her ass off at all these people who say they are sick of her yet can't stop reporting on her every move. Miley has us right where she wants us and there's nothing we can do to escape it. I don't know about you, but I'm kind of excited.

As for the album, Can't Be Tamed is nowhere near as suggestive as the title implies. Mostly, the album is a great big "Fuck you" to Disney and her former life as a tween star. This bitch is ready to move on and if that means leaving behind her fanbase of nine year olds, so be it. The album's opening track, the strangely titled 'Liberty Walk,' at first sounds like a silly opener. After a couple listens, however, it quickly becomes apparent that this song is Miley's mission statement for the album. "It's a liberty walk," she sings over the chorus, "Free yourself, slam the door, not a prisoner anymore." 'Robot' is even harsher towards Disney: "I'm not your robot/Stop telling me I'm a part of this big machine/I'm breaking free, can't you see?" There's nothing I love watching more than female singers rebelling against The Man, giving a big giant middle finger to the corporation who once controlled them.

The album's gem, however, is a little song called 'Who Owns My Heart.' Produced by Rockmafia, the same guy behind her current hit 'Can't Be Tamed,' the song is a fairly dark sounding, somewhat mysterious, all-around sexy track in which Miley is confused about whether her attraction to a guy is because she has the hots for him or the music banging in the background. It's a slick song and one Miley should be proud of. She makes a lyric like "You know I wanna believe that we're a masterpiece but sometimes it's hard to tell in the dark" ring with enough double entendre to last through an entire season of The Office. Our little Miley is growing up before our eyes; do you think her best friend Leslie even recognizes her anymore?

EXCLUSIVE: Nicky Hoult Likes to Hang Out With Girls (And Possibly Touch Their Boobs)

Apparently, one of Nicky Hoult's publicists decided that he's spent a bit too much time associated with gay things. Which, if you think about it, he has sort of built his career on homoerotic parts. Whether he's making out with Maxxie on series one of Skins, performing on the West End in the gay-themed New Boy, showing off his bum in A Single Man or modeling for Tom Ford as his new muse, Nicky does enjoy the gay material. So, in an effort to prove Nicky isn't a big fat homo, someone decided to link him with burgeoning Disney starlet Victoria Justice this past weekend at Wimbledon. I don't want to say this was a bad idea, but let's just say they look about as interested in each other as Clay Aiken and one of his female backup singers.

To be honest, I doubt this was a hookup of any sorts. More than likely, the two of them happened to be next to each other, not paying attention and someone snapped a photo of them. I doubt Nicky even knows who Victoria Justice is (hell, she's only a Nickelodeon star); he certainly has better things to do (being someone's muse takes up a lot of time, don't you know?). If they're gonna pair him up with some American tween starlet, how about someone, you know, actually interesting. I hear Demi is single these days (although she just stopped being someone else's beard). How about Selena? Everybody likes her (except my friend Kelli because she's "too cute").

And, for your enjoyment, here are some bonus pictures of our boy Nicky sans Nickelodeon starlet. I have to say, after looking at these photographs, it's becoming more and more evident that other men should just give up on life. There's no way you're ever going to be as perfect as Nicky, so why fucking bother?

Why Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure is a Terrible, Terrible Idea

I've avoided talking about this project for months now in the hopes that it was all some sick joke gone horribly wrong. But, since the film has actually started shooting, I now know that this is a sad, sad reality. The film I'm talking about is, of course, Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure, a Disney Channel sequel to the ever popular HSM Trilogy featuring our very own La Tisdale reprising her role of sparkly diva Sharpay Evans. So why am I denying this film like I'm a certain Iranian president and Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure is the Holocaust? Well, here are a few reasons

• Completely Unnecessary When HSM3 ended with that should-be infamous final jump in the air and emotional curtain call, it was the perfect send-off for both the fans and the cast. The curtain closed on their high school lives, and everything that took place in East High was left to the past. There's absolutely no reason to make another movie with these characters. They are creatures of their high school environment, and I want to envision them in their prime when the whole world was their oyster. Encountering them after high school would be like seeing Ferris Bueller, the Breakfast Club or Cher Horowitz post-high school. Honestly, I couldn't care less about the fabulous adventures of Miss Evans outside of East High. Nothing will ever top her divalicious exploits trying to steal the spotlight back from Troy and Gabriella, so why bother? Her chemistry with Grabeel and Efron was absolutely perfect (seriously, while listening to 'I Want It All' earlier today, I marveled at just how in sync La Tisdale and Grabeel were and how much they truly "got" each other). Will she ever be able to get that with Austin Butler? Doubt it.
  
• The State of the DCOM The HSM movies are not well-made movies. They have plot holes five miles long and the production values were often nothing more then a second thought. But there's an undeniable charm running through these films that makes up for any inconsistencies and lapses in taste. Camp Rock was so bad in every conceivable way it was impossible to look away. I was embarrassed the whole time I had willingly subjected myself to that film, yet I actually felt something during that one. Wish I could say the same about the last three Disney Channel Original Movies I have seen. Princess Protection Program, Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie and StarStruck all wasted talented youngsters in films that were the dreaded Double D: dull and dumb. I fear that Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure will fall in with these latter films. And who wants to watch La Tisdale dumbed down by awful material?
  
• La Tisdale Needs to Move On Efron has gone onto Hairspray, 17 Again and, this summer, Charlie St. Cloud. Grabeel had a nice bit part in Van Sant's Milk. Even Vanessa Hudgens has gotten work in a Zack Snyder movie. So why is La Tisdale still slumming it in DCOMs and awful-sound TV shows like her upcoming Hellcats, which happens to be about a high school cheerleading squad? She clearly has the talent to move out of the Disney ghetto. She even has a naughty persona just waiting to emerge with the right material. La Tisdale isn't getting any younger (she's nearly 25) and, like it or not, goodwill from HSM won't last forever. She needs to prove her worth and take a risk in the real world, not once again use the same tricks to show us why she's one of the best things Disney has ever created. With Miley and Demi so desperately trying to break free from Disney's constraints, it makes you wonder why La Tisdale so desperately wants to remain under them.
  

Will I watch Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure when it premieres? Hell to the yes! I'll support anything this talented woman does. And I'm sure she'll be her wonderfully charismatic self in the movie. But I will not stand back silently when I see her wasting her talents on dreck far beneath her. She can do Sharpay in her sleep now. Let's give her a new challenge to spark those creative muscles, okay?

(Photo via Just Jared Jr.)

Hugging It Out, Russo Style

Sterling Knight's New Disney Intro

True or false: this new Disney promo is in fact funnier than season two of Sonny With a Chance. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say true. Everything that made the first season so magical and original has been forgotten in favor of cheap jokes and lame storylines. Even the once electric Sonny/Chad chemistry has been reduced to maybe one short interaction an episode that barely sparks. What has happened to the couple that I literally thought was going to have angry sex at one point last season? I know there's one absolutely brilliant episode coming down the pike soon that, if done correctly, should redeem this mediocre season, but it is too soon for this show to be coasting until this big moment. Sonny With a Chance worked extremely hard last season to overcome any negative stereotypes the typical Disney shows has to deal with; I would hate to see them throw it away with eight or so middling episodes.

Bieber Mania

In case you've been living under a rock (Or haven't signed onto Twitter in three months. Or have an, you know, actual life), Justin Bieber is taking over the world. Over the past eight months, the floppy-haired Canadian teen has gone from YouTube sensation to overnight tween mega idol. His meteoric success has come quickly. I remember checking out tween magazines such as Bop and Tiger Beat back in October or so and saw the usual Miley and Jonas cover stories. One month later, every damn magazine had this Bieber kid's face plastered dead center on the cover. I had no idea who or what he was, but as soon as I found about his fans, I knew he wasn't going away anytime soon. My God, those 12 year old girls who are obsessed with him are quite literally INSANE. Remember, I'm a child of the late 90s/early 2000s. I lived through Backstreet Mania and NSYNC Mania during the TRL Era. Those bitches were crazy, crying every time they appeared on TV, camping overnight for their new CD, getting into petty arguments over which group was better (very similar to the Team Edward/Jacob debate raging today). Those girls were amateurs next to these Bieber Heads. With Twitter becoming the new Mecca of social networking, the site's "trending topics" have come a big clue into what every day people are talking about on a given day. His fans are every bit as crazy as those in the BSB/NSYNC days, but they take it to a new extreme with Twitter. Every single day, Bieber's name is on that list of popular topics. He doesn't even have to do anything special; if his biggest plan for the day is to take a shit, these fans would still be talking about him.

I realize this all probably makes me sound like a hater, but here's the truth: I actually like Justin Bieber. Given my expressed admiration for many a tween Disney star, this probably comes as no surprise, but I think he's a cool cat. First of all, unlike many of the Disney/Nickelodeon manufactured pop stars, he can actually sing. Yes, he sings teen pop and, yes, it's inherently cheesy. But it's excellent teen pop, very reminiscent of the days when Britney and Christina ruled the airwaves. Songs such as 'Somebody to Love,' 'Baby' and especially 'One Time' (I'm eagerly anticipating an acoustic cover of this song from either Kris Allen, Darin or Nadine Coyle at some point) even transcend this slightly negative label and become true pop gems. Say what you want about him (and his lesbianic haircut), but this kid has the stuff to be a "legitimate" artist someday. It will be interesting, however, to see if his young fan base will allow him to grow up and mature with his music. I can totally see him going down the JT/Jesse McCartney path in a couple of years, but who knows if he'll stick around. Tween girls are a notoriously fickle group.

I leave you now with a couple Bieber videos. The first is his latest single 'Baby' (hopefully you can just ignore Ludacris' lazy rap). The second is the moment I truly fell for him: the SNL sketch from a week ago where Tina Fey, as a very Liz Lemon-y high school teacher, falls in love with Bieber. He's obviously not the most natural actor on the planet, but those songs were hilarious. "Hey girl, I wanna watch you do pilates. And skip the hard parts," spoken like those horrible interludes in any typical boy band ballad, makes me laugh every time. And, at one point, Tina Fey pushes Justin in a baby carriage. Yeah, enough said.

Happy (Belated) 3rd Anniversary, Rants of a Diva!

I always remember my blog's anniversary because it (coincidentally) occurs on Our Lord and Savior Oprah Winfrey's birthday. For some reason, I got my dates mixed up and it wasn't until I was on my way out to work for the day that I realized yesterday was, in fact, my blog's birthday. Oops! How careless of me.

Wow, three whole years. I can't even believe it. When I started Rants of a Diva one random night as a freshman college student, I never would have thought it would last more than a couple months. I guess I underestimated how much I really enjoy getting online and bitching about any random thing thing that comes to mind. To be honest, though, I don't think Rants of a Diva would still be around if it wasn't for friends and commenters alike who express appreciation and encourage debate on many of my inane postings. So, as I say every year, THANK YOU. Thanks for sticking around and continuing to make Rants of a Diva an interesting place to come back to day after day.

As I do every year, I like to offer up a summary of my best and favorite posts of the past year as a way of celebrating of the year's accomplishments and introducing any new readers to what Rants of a Diva is all about. Let's dig in, shall we?

Film Rants
The Razor's Edge
If you ever want to find yourself attacked by random people on the interweb all you have to do is insult Tyrone Power and the vultures will come. Learned that one the hard way.

The History Boys
So much potential--namely from Stephen Campbell Moore and Dominic Cooper--squandered on morally ambivalent themes, lazy direction and a ham-handed lead performance.

So Many Women, So Little Time: Up in the Air and Nine
Was I the only one offended by the sexual politics of both of these movies?

The Hangover Will Not Be Nominated for Best Picture
The whole buzz behind this movie still baffles me. How this film won a Golden Globe will puzzle me until the day I die.

Salò
I'm still scarred.

My Inner Monologue During Twilight Saga: New Moon
Opening night: "OMG TAYLOR LAUTNER IS SO SEXY"
Two weeks later: "WHY IS THIS FILM SO BORING?"

Were the World Mine
What a lazy piece of homophobic trash.

Performance Highlights
8 Great Things About Susan Hayward in I'll Cry Tomorrow
Easily dismissible by today's acting standards as a ham, Susan Hayward turns her usual mannerisms into one of the most psychotic looks at alcoholism ever portrayed.

Taraji P. Henson Can Do Amazing All By Herself
Ignore all the haters; Tyler Perry delivers his smoothest film to date while Taraji P. Henson proves that she's an actress to reckon with.

The Tween Subculture
Jonas With a Chance
My initial impressions of JONAS and Sonny With a Chance. An obsession builds.

Send It On. On and On.
An interpretation of the behind the scenes drama on the music video for Disney's global warming anthem 'Send It On.'

"Soooo Chad. I Need a Favor"
Is Chad Dylan Cooper the greatest actor of his generation?

Le Music
Here Come the Girls
Six music videos from both old pros (Britney!) and newcomers (Demi!)

Albums of the 2000's: Britney Spears Blackout
I haven't gotten around to writing another installment of this series (damn me for not being a music writer) but I hope you enjoyed this ode to THE best album of the past decade.

The Boys!
Lady GaGa Knows Her Stuff
The chrorus to 'Boys Boys Boys' is represented visually by yours truly. Your welcome.

Zac Efron & Les Auteurs
He wants to work with some challenging directors. Here's what I imagine his projects with various auteurs would look like.

Imaginary Boyfriends of 2009
You loved my 2008 edition and, lo and behold, you also appreciated 2009's roster. Includes Sterling Knight, Kris Allen and Chad White.

My New Favorite Gays
Kings and The United States of Tara introduced us to two gay characters I would kill to see more of in the movies and on TV: the manipulative and scheming villain and the quiet, classic film-loving cutey.

Lists
25 Best Performances of the TV Season
Truth: I actually kind of don't like this post. I think my writing is atrocious. But, nonetheless, you all went crazy for it and commented on it more than any other post this year. Thank you!

My Top 10 Ideal Action Stars
What would happen if Miley Cyrus and Victoria Beckham were cast in stupid action blockbusters?

22 Reasons to Celebrate Zac Efron's 22nd Birthday
An ode to my future husband on his birthday.

Assorted Goodies
People Who Can Suck It: Gwyneth Paltrow and Megan Fox
These two are both twatbags for completely different reasons.

Casting The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
My new favorite book was, at one point, slated to be made into a movie. Here's who I want to be cast (In retrospect, however, I would completely trade out Kellan Lutz as Tracy for, as someone randomly suggested, Chris Pine).

The Ladies of 2009
The female counterpart to the Imaginary Boyfriends. These six women made 2009 a year to remember.

Faye Dunaway vs. Hilary Duff
The Duffster tries to throwdown with the one and only Faye motherfucking Dunaway. Guess whose side I'm on.

Things I Learned at the 2008 Oscars
RDJ is hot, Zac wants to have sex with Dev Patel and Beyoncé is a motherfucking DIVA.

I Am Terrified for the Future of Filmmaking
If all directors of the future are as retarded as the ones in my film class this past semester, I mourn the loss of the medium.

My New Favorite Celebrity Couple
You can keep your Brangelinas--Meestan is the celebrity couple I can truly get behind.

A Secret Prom?

Sonny: Prom's off everybody.


Tawni: What?! I've been dreaming about being prom queen ever since you brought it up 18 minutes ago!

Sonny: I'm sorry. I tried. I even used the magic word.

Grady: This is just like the puppet show all over again.

Sonny: Guys, nobody's more disappointed than I am.

Nico: You had to ask Marshall.

Zora: Always gotta do everything by the book.

Sonny: Oh yeah, is that what you think? Is that what you all think?

*Everyone nods in agreement*


Sonny: Well, I just checked out a new book. And it's called We're Having a Secret Prom by Sonny Munroe.

Nico: Are you suggesting...

Sonny: Yes, that's right. A secret prom.


Tawni: A secret prom?

Zora: A secret prom?


Nico: A secret prom?

Grady: A secret-

Sonny: Okay, I think we've said it enough times. We're having a secret prom!

Grady: How come you got to say it again?

Sonny: Because I wrote the book.


Tawni: I thought you checked out the book.

Grady: Wait, I'm confused.

Sonny: Okay there's no book, but we're having a prom.

Nico: Wait, a secret prom?

Sonny: *exasperated* Yes. Are we all on the same page?

Grady: Whoa, wait, there's a page?


Sonny: Really?

The Best Mad Lib Ever

From the tween magazine I bought the other day:

Zac Dumps Vanessa for You!

Zac realizes you're the only girl for him in this silly story!

You're kickin' it at your house with the girls when you hear a blank (a funny sound) at the door. It's Zac Efron with a gift: It's a blank (an animal) to show you how much he cares! "This pet is as blank (an adjective) as you!" he explains. "I dumped Vanessa! She wears her blank (an ugly color) blank (an accessory) too much." You blank (a verb) for joy, and he blank (a cleaning action) you off your blank (a body part)! He asks you on a date to blank (a fictional location) where he buys you a(n) blank (a piece of furniture), and the two of you live happily for blank (a number) years.

And here is my answer (I must admit I was a little intoxicated when I came up with this).

You're kickin' it at your house with the girls when you hear a murp (a funny sound) at the door. It's Zac Efron with a gift: It's a zebra (an animal) to show you how much he cares! "This pet is as bitchin' (an adjective) as you!" he explains. "I dumped Vanessa! She wears her puke green (an ugly color) diamond ring (an accessory) too much." You fuck (a verb) for joy, and he mops (a cleaning action) you off your nose (a body part)! He asks you on a date to Narnia (a fictional location) where he buys you a(n) ottoman (a piece of furniture), and the two of you live happily for three (a number) years.

My Inner Monologue During Twilight Saga: New Moon on Two Different Occasions

Thursday, 11/19, Midnight Screening: "OMG, here we go! Stewart, Kendrick and Lautner Abs, please don't let me down...Wait, did I stumble into the wrong theatre? We're less than a minute in and it looks like Chris Weitz is actually attempting to be artistic in some way with this dream sequence. I mean, this is not Ingmar Bergman or anything, but it's definitely a far cry from Hardwicke's Twilight. I guess I'll have to look for something else to make fun of. Based on the first film, this should take another 45 seconds max...Oh good, Robert Pattinson is arriving at school. In slow motion. This should be hilarious...Wow, that actually wasn't too embarrassing. Weitz and Pattinson actually seemed to be letting loose and having fun at the expense of Edward Cullen. Is there hope for this film? Damn, that kiss between Edward and Bella was steamy; I think Pattinson just came in his pants. And now Lautner has arrived to make this triangle complete. I love that he has skipped class just to come across town to Bella's school just to give her a birthday present. Way to endorse truancy! Lautner's now going for the hug with Bella and...goddamn! Did you see that look he shot at Pattinson? It was basically the equivalent to Beyoncé's threatening 'Try me, bitch!' in Obsessed...I'm impressed at how well the screenwriter and Weitz have condensed the bloated, blundering novel this is based on. Even in comparison with Twilight, which highlighted the wrong sections of the novel and actually made it seem longer, New Moon feels much swifter (Seriously, the novel spends 100+ pages following a mopey, epically depressed Bella in a series of repetitive scenes and internal thoughts that feel endless. I am forever grateful that in the film they condensed that Ben-Hur-sized section into one--beautifully done, I must add--long take that lasts not more than 90 seconds)


"HOLY SHIT. Lautner just took of shirt! If you can ignore that hideous wig on his head, this is absolutely perfect...He's walking around shirtless in the rain. I, uh, um, I, er...Is it hot in here or just me? Bella, how can you just stand there and not bounce on the boy?! You have way more self control than I ever could...And now he's in your bedroom, shirtless, sitting on your bed, practically inviting you to ride him like a bronco? Bitch, why are you just standing there? I, uh...(This is probably the point where I melted into my chair and nearly passed out. The girl sitting next to me asked if I was okay while my friend Megan started fanning me. I think I can honestly understand all of those women in the 1920's losing their shit over Rudolph Valentino). Whew, that was a close one. Lautner and Stewart are ever so close to locking lips. Come on, DO IT. I don't care if it's not in the fucking book, DEFY IT. The book is a piece of shit anyways. Come on, come on, so close...FUCKING TELEPHONE AND FUCKING EDWARD. How dare you ruin it! Lautner and Stewart muster more palpable sexual tension than you ever could with her, you soggy British wimp.


"Now Bella is off to save her precious Edward and I, officially, don't really care anymore. Blah blah Volturi blah blah grand theft auto blah blah...Haha, I love that after watching Taylor's glorious abs for the last hour, the audience has turned against Pattinson's naked torso. I literally hear boos coming from people in the audience. This makes me so happy...Here comes Dakota Fanning trying to win that ever elusive Oscar. Out of everyone on the cast, she, of course, takes this shit way more seriously than necessary. Sorry D, I don't think you'll be hearing your name come Oscar nomination morning...The film finally ends with a semi-showdown between Edward and Jacob where Edward, the big limped-dick pussy he is, thanks Jacob for protecting Bella while he was off being a whiny emo bitch. Jacob, thankfully, refuses his thanks and instead basically calls out Edward's douche-ness...I think I'm on Team Jacob now." B-

Friday, 12/4, 9:40 Showing: "OH MY GOD. GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT! Why is this film dragging so much more than last time? Lousy scene after lousy scene is just floating by in front of me and I am gleaning absolutely nothing from it. The motive of each scene is important, but the putrid dialogue is nothing more than an awful excuse for writing. Who the Christ talks like that? Certainly not any teenagers I know. And, my God, could Stewart and Pattinson be any f-ing stiffer in the break-up scene? They are standing about 20 feet apart, stiffer than Pattinson's dick when watching Lautner take off his shirt and do nothing but stare at each other. I feel like I'm trapped in one of those awful D.W. Griffith silent Victorian melodramas where the romantic leads look into each others eyes for endless amounts of time and a simple blink or lifting of the hand is supposed to reveal excessive amounts of emotion...Bella, I simply can not feel sorry for you. You have two men in your life, one is a sexy mofo with a slight sense of humor and the other, if nothing else (and I do mean nothing: he's not charming, funny, interesting or cute), is quite devoted to you, willing to risk their lives and happiness just to appease you and I can't even get a boy to ask me out. Oh yeah Bella, you have it so rough.


"Why does everyone take this damn film so seriously? The plot is incredibly idiculous, rife with obvious clichés and eye-rolling moments and yet everyone on the cast and crew treats it like grand drama or, worse yet, end-of-the-world tragedy. New Moon could be great camp and a lot easier to swallow if everyone just let loose and had some fun with the material. This is why I generally hate blockbusters and what I found so refreshing about Star Trek. That wasn't a perfect film but it understood that the whole premise is silly and had a good time playing it for laughs. Thankfully we have Anna Kendrick (who is possibly even more fun as Jessica than she was in Twilight and whose line reading of "Movies with Bella? Fun" is an immediate classic--I literally almost ROFL'ed in the theater) and Michael Sheen (if his role didn't seem so pointless in the grand scheme of things, I might consider him for a Best Supporting Actor Diva Cup) to liven things up and adds dollops of humor whenever they come on-screen. Honestly, thank you. I don't think I could have made it through this time without you. Your muffin baskets are in the mail." C-