It's Britney, Bitch

I know I've been relatively quiet on here about the whole Britney meltdown (if you know in me real life, however, hardly a day goes by where I don't mention it in some random conversation) but I figure that she has enough troubles of her own that she doesn't need another annoying blogger ripping on her every single day. Besides, I'm really rooting for her and her enormous comeback. And I think she can do it with her new single "Gimme More." Right now, it's probably more infamous for the opening line "It's Britney, bitch" than anything else, but it's a really good song to just get up and dance to. It's not on the level of Britney masterpieces such as "You Drive Me Crazy (The Stop Remix)" or "Toxic," but it is a great song nonetheless. In case you haven't heard it yet, go over to the latest feature on my blog. Scroll down a smidge and on the left you will see my Box.com jukebox. Here are the other three songs that I am including right now:

~Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse "Valerie": I just downloaded this last night and I can't get it out of my head. I just got my hands on a copy of Winehouse's critically acclaimed CD Back to Black and it is amazing. This song doesn't appear on that CD, but rather on Mark Ronson's Version which, from the songs I have heard, should be amazing.

~Belinda Carlisle "Heaven Is a Place on Earth": I know it says Debbie Gibson, but it really is Belinda Carlisle singing one of the greatest/cheesiest songs of the 80's "Heaven is a Place on Earth." I could listen to it all day.

~Hugh Grant "Pop! Goes My Heart": I thought Music and Lyrics was complete shit, but this song is so damn catchy! Damn them and their great faux-80's tune.

I hope you enjoy these songs and I will try to change them every once in awhile.

Things That Annoy Me: Perez Hilton and His Blog

To inaugurate my latest series, creatively titled "Things That Annoy Me," I decided to write about someone who's become sort of a quasi-celebrity for writing one of the least interesting blogs I have ever read: Perez Hilton. In case you've never heard of him, he's an overweight homosexual who constantly changes his hair color (in lieu of actually having personality) and writes this blog about the celebrities and their wacky behavior. Now, one would think that this could be rather interesting (given, of course, that you love celebrity gossip) but instead it is so freaking unimaginative and lacks any attempt to be the least bit witty or funny.

To show you what I mean, here are some of my interpretations of what a Perez Hilton entry might look like:

Britney shows off her vajayjay while stepping out of her car on her way to Club X in Los Angeles with new pal Paris Hilton (no relation).

Girl, please put on some panties.

Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay

Channing likes it up the butt, says a former friend in a Perez exclusive.

I wouldn't have this much of a problem with a lackluster blog if Perez weren't considered a "celebrity" and wasn't such a cocky asshole about it. I know I've never met him before, but all the proof I need is in the episode of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List that he appears on toward the end of last season. On this episode, Kathy is thanking him for writing something nice about the passing of her father on his blog even though there was some bad blood between them. First of all, you do not start shit with Kathy Griffin---you grovel at her holy feet. As a gay man he should especially know this. Second of all, you don't act like your fucking Hedda Hopper (look her up, kids) around the Queen when all you do is write on a fourth-rate blog. Kathy gives him free sex toys to try and win him over and he kind of half-heartedly looks at them and turns them on. Kathy is impressed that they are taking a limo to lunch and he kind of shrugs it off like it's no big deal. Then, when they are at the restaurant a couple of people come up and ask Kathy for her autograph, he has the audacity to ask if she's paid them to come over while he is there and then he acts all offended when they don't ask for his autograph. Sorry they probably have better things to be doing, like, I don't know, stabbing plastic sporks into their extremities, instead of reading your shitty blog.

I don't know who Perez Hilton thinks he is, but he is nowhere near the hot shit that he believes himself to be. I hope some scandal errupts and his downfall happens swiftly and painfully.

P.S. If you want to read an amazing celebrity gossip site, go and visit The Superficial. Not only does it deliver celebrity gossip but it does it in an amazingly fresh and witty way. Plus, it has my favorite headline ever. I'm not going to lie, I laughed for awhile even though it's pretty serious shit.

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Director

And the nominees are...

Bill Condon, Dreamgirls

Not only does Condon guide Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson into giving, in my opinion, the Best Supporting Actor and Actress performances of the year, he also performs miracles behind the scenes with his nearly flawless direction that proves that after Chicago and Moulin Rouge! musicals are back and as good as ever.

Key Scene: "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" is flawless, but the "Steppin' to the Bad Side" number is the way Bob Fosse would have done it had he been alive to direct.

Alfonso Cuaron, Children of Men

Holy long take, Batman! With his risky use of the long take and other directorial choices, Cuaron elevated this pretty average science fiction story into the realm of high art. A wonderous feast for the eyes even after repeated viewings.

Key Scene: The Procession of the Child

Michel Gondry, The Science of Sleep

Gondry has enough imagination for three directors and The Science of Sleep is further proof that he is one of the freshest directors of our generation. If you thought Eternal Sunshine was off the wall, wait until you see some of Gael Garcia Bernal's dreams...whoa.

Key Scene: That final moment with Bernal and Gainsbourg on the horse...the closest I've ever seen anyone match the poetic beauty of the ending to Chaplin's City Lights

Christopher Nolan, The Prestige

Maybe not as perplexing as Memento, but I still left the theater trying to fit it all together. Definitely deserves a couple of viewings to see just exactly what went on.

Key Scene: The Explanation of Why We Saw 100 Top Hats in the Beginning

Martin Scorsese, The Departed

Scorsese is back and better than ever. The film is 2 1/2 hours, but thanks to the quick pace and ass-kicking action, it never feels that long.

Key Scene: Billy and Colin's Showdown on the Roof

If Only There Were Six: John Cameron Mitchell, Shortbus:

Rest of the Top 10: John Curran, The Painted Veil...Pedro Almodovar, Volver...Paul Greengrass, United 93...Sofia Coppola, Marie Antoinette

BRONZE
Michel Gondry, The Science of Sleep
SILVER
Alfonso Cuaron, Children of Men
GOLD
Martin Scorsese, The Departed

Random Top 10: Films I'm Most Excited to See This Fall

Now that the summer is over and my Hairspray fanaticism has died down a bit, it's time for my favorite part of the year: Oscar Season. Over the next four months we get bombarded with intelligent, well-made pictures all fighting it out to win the Oscar next year. Since there are so many great films coming out this fall, I wanted to share which ones I'm most excited for. Here we go:

10. There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson) Comes out December 26th

I love Paul Thomas Anderson's films. He's only made three films (Boogie Nights, Magnolia and Punch Drunk Love) but they are all really great. Hopefully, his new film There Will Be Blood won't be the exception. Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano play a father and son going through some serious family issues in turn-of-the-century Texas. And since Day-Lewis plays an oil prospector, maybe there will be some sort of commentary about the situation today.

9. Sweeney Todd (Tim Burton) Comes out December 21st

Since this is a musical, it probably should be a little higher on my list, but there are a couple of reasons why: 1. I'm not familiar with the show. I know the premise and gimmick and everything, but I don't know the score or anything. 2. I'm not a huge Sondheim fan. I know that's practically blasphemy but there are some of his songs that just don't impress me. These reasons won't stop me from seeing it, however.

8. Lust, Caution (Ang Lee) Comes out September 28th

After Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Brokeback Mountain, I am a big Ang Lee fan. Is there nothing this man can't tackle? Now he's moving on with this sexy spy thriller set in WWII-era Shanghai. It sounds really good, but what really has me intrigued is the NC-17 rating it received.

7. The Savages (Tamara Jenkins) Comes out December 26th

I love dysfunctional family dramedies and The Savages appears to be the best one coming out this fall. Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman star as brother and sister caring for their ailing father.

6. The Brave One (Neil Jordan) Comes out September 14th

Jodie Foster is always a joy to watch and with an awesome director (Neil Jordan, who did the amazing The Crying Game) and that great trailer, this one will be hard to miss.

5. Leatherheads (George Clooney) Comes out December 7th

Three Reasons: 1. I love anything dealing with the 1920's- such a fantastic period in history. 2. George Clooney hasn't disappointed me as a director 3. John Krasinski + vintage 1920's 3-piece suits = my ass in the seat

4. American Gangster (Ridley Scott) Comes out November 2nd

I loved The Departed and if this is even half as good as that film, it will still be worth the admission. Plus, these posters are just kick ass.

3. Atonement (Joe Wright) Comes out December 7th

I couldn't get through the book, but I'm betting that director Joe Wright, Keira Knightley, James McAvoy and the rest of the cast will make this one a can't miss.

2. Rendition (Gavin Hood) Comes out October 19th

Jake Gyllenhaal. Reese Witherspoon. Meryl Streep. Peter Sarsgaard. Alan Arkin. What more do I have to say?

1. I'm Not There (Todd Haynes) Comes out November 21st

I've already ranted on this film before, but I'm still super excited about this film. I'm not completely sure why, but I think it has something to do with Cate Blanchett, Heath Ledger, Christian Bale and Richard Gere playing Bob Dylan in the same film that's got me hooked. Plus, this trailer is amazing.

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Actress

And the nominees are...

Penelope Cruz, Volver

Cruz came out of nowhere with the alternatively sweet, funny and emotionally charged performance that holds nothing back.

Key Scene: Discovering What Her Daughter Did

Dame Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal

No one does intimidating as well as Dame Judi, but her performance as Barbara Covett goes beyond intimidating and becomes scary in a way I've only seen in one other brilliant performance: Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction

Key Scene: "You're not young anymore"

Dame Helen Mirren, The Queen

Dame Helen somehow manages to humanize an icy queen without using cheap sympathy tricks and remaining as stoic as possible...flat out incredible.

Key Scene: Receiving the Little Girl's Flowers

Gretchen Mol, The Notorious Bettie Page

Mol is having the time of her life with this role and it shows in her performance. She lets us understand a person that most people dismiss as a porn star and does it ever so beautifully.

Key Scene: Any of the Bondage Clips...they're all a delight

Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada

Streep takes a one-note character and turns her into a human being. Sure she's a perfectionist, monster bitch and a diva in the extreme, but there's something that drove her to be that way and Streep brilliantly conveys that.

Key Scene: The "Throwing the Coats on Andrea's Desk" Montage

If Only There Were Six: Naomi Watts, The Painted Veil: not quite 21 Grams, but she is emotionally compelling and utterly believable

Rest of the Top 10: Kate Winslet, Little Children: a desperate housewife who is truly desperate and she delivers yet another brilliant performance...Annette Bening, Running With Scissors: she's a diva, but it's in her quieter moments that she nearly steals the film...Natalie Portman, V For Vendetta: went through hell for this role and it was all worth it because this performance is fantastic...Sook-Yin Lee, Shortbus: the emotional center of the film

BRONZE
Gretchen Mol, The Notorious Bettie Page
SILVER
Dame Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
GOLD
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada

Zac Efron Is Taking Over the World

I'm not lying- everywhere I turned this past week it seems that Zac Efron was there. After the mega-successes of Hairspray last month (it recently joined Grease, Chicago and Dreamgirls as the only musicals to ever gross more than $100 million) and the record-breaking High School Musical 2, the world is ready to proclaim Efron the King of the World. The first to jump on this bandwagon was Rolling Stone.

Now, I haven't read Rolling Stone in about a year because it was getting too liberal even for me (every issue had someone ranting about global warming and everything else was about how Bush sucked) and the only thing I was reading was the film review. But as soon as I saw this cover, I had to pick up a copy. I know it's kind of a rip-off of that infamous Justin Timberlake cover but....damn.

The next day, while I was looking for some trashy magazine to read on my break at work, I was astonished that Efron was on like 5 different covers, either with or without High School Musical star Vanessa Anne Hudgens. I picked up a copy of People (in which Efron and Hudgens appeared together) and started reading. Here are some things I learned while reading these articles about Zac:

1. Apparently, my source was wrong for the last time I wrote about Efron because Zac and Vanessa (or Zanessa, as the tweens call them) are starting to come forward about their relationship. They're in love for reals.

2. Zac might be starring in a remake of Footloose but there is no director yet. He also might do a feature film version of High School Musical 3, but he doesn't want to be tied down to the series. He also might do some comedy called Seventeen about a 36 year old who gets transformed into the body of a high schooler (boy, that doesn't sound familiar or overused).

3. Zac respects real actors like Al Pacino and Matt Damon, loves the Die Hard and Bourne films and wants to be an action star.

4. Zac has abs of steel.

Riveting I know. But there is a bigger question that Entertainment Weekly asked in it's knewest issue: Will Zac Efron follow in the footsteps of other teenage stars like Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio or will he flounder like Christian Slater or Luke Perry? I'm really not sure- to me, he doesn't have the raw talent that Channing Tatum displayed last year and really only has that one strained, I'm-in-pain-can't-you-tell look that he gives a lot- but he could surprise us. If nothing happens with his career post-High School Musical, at least we'll always have Link:

Reader Request: Rants on "Myra Breckinridge"

Before I even popped in Michael Sarne’s 1970 film Myra Breckinridge, I was totally expecting some kind of simplistic, crowd pleasing film chock full of delicious camp moments. After the first scene, in which Myron Breckinridge (played by film critic Rex Reed) undergoes a sex-change operation in a heavily stylized hospital room straight out of All That Jazz, I figured that the film might be a little artier than I expected. Twenty minutes in, after a scene in which Myron receives oral sex from his post-operation alter ego Myra (played fabulously by Raquel Welch), I had no idea what was going on and decided to just go with the flow.

The story of Myra Breckinridge is actually pretty straight forward: Myra returns from her sex-change operation to her Uncle Buck’s (John Huston) acting school and, claiming to be Myron’s widow, tries to claim her part of his interest in the school. He tries to delay her claim so he can speak to his lawyers by offering her a teaching position at the school. She develops a crush on one of the dim-witted students, which leads to a shocking scene in which she sodomizes him with a strap-on dildo (yes, you read that right). Myra feels guilty and eventually passes him onto horny super agent Leticia Van Allen (Mae West). By the end, as Uncle Buck desperately tries to fight Myra to keep her away from his money, she reveals to him that she is really Myron and shows them her penis.

Based on the controversial book by renowned author Gore Vidal, it would make sense for Myra Breckinridge to be a little on the artier side. Unfortunately, problems arise nearly every time it breaks from the story to try to make an artistic point. One example is the few times that both Myron and Myra appear in the same scene. I’m sure there is some metaphorical point to be made from this about how a part of Myron is still living with Myra or something to that effect, but Sarne doesn’t do a good job explaining or setting this up- it seems like he just appears out of nowhere. Another example is the aforementioned oral sex scene with Myron and Myra. During the middle of it, Myron has the fantasy/dream in which a hot blonde woman sexily offers him a wide selection of food from a long buffet table. I can’t even fathom what Sarne was attempting to do with scene, but what he created definitely doesn’t work.

Another problem with Myra Breckinridge is the Leticia Van Allen character. Although the role is tailor made for Mae West (making her "return" to the screen after a 37 year absence) and she is quite funny, Leticia doesn’t seem to fit into the structure of the film. The only times that she is even minorly important are when she appears at the acting school for about a minute and when she takes the male student off of Myra’s hands- and these moments are unnecessary as it is. My guess is that she was a minor character in the book, but had to be made larger to appease the diva West. And why the hell did she sing during that award show?

Although Myra Breckinridge has many problems, there are a couple of redeeming factors. One of them has to be Raquel Welch’s fabulous performance. What makes it so refreshing is that instead of the usual 70’s Method style, Welch uses the 40’s style of star charisma- an era she absolutely adores. She takes no prisoners and seems to be having the time of her life with this role (although the episode of Backstory that appears on this disc says otherwise).

One of the best scenes in the whole film has to be the previously mentioned scene where Myra puts on a strap-on and practically anally rapes the student she has the hots for. Even today, after seeing my fair share of shocking and strange sex scenes (even living through the Cronenberg version of Crash), the scene still stunned me for all of it’s graphicness without even showing anything. Throughout much of the film, Sarne slips in clips of old 20th Century Fox films for no other reason, it seems, than to highlight Myra’s love of the era. But, during this scene, the clips actually seem to serve a purpose as they provide a running commentary. There’s even one towards the end that is utterly brilliant: in the clip Oliver Hardy laments to Stan Laurel something to the effect of "It hurt me more than it hurt him." It fits so easily into the scene that it almost seems that it was written specifically for it.

In the end, Myra Breckinridge is full of faults, but thanks to a couple of brilliant parts, it is not unwatchable and actually a little bit of fun.

My Rating: ***

Supporting Actress Smackdown: 1971

Once again I am participating in StinkyLulu's monthly Supporting Actress Smackdown and this go around we are doing 1971- a far cry (in terms of acting styles, that is) from my last Smackdown (1950). Overall, I'm not a huge fan of the 70's, and we all know this wasn't a kind decade to actresses, but this year offered some juicy parts and equally juicy performances. I thought I would be underwhelmed by the nominees, but, much to my surprise, I whole-heartedly enjoyed nearly every single one of them.



Who was my personal favorite? I'm going to have to cop out and declare a tie between two breathtaking performances in two totally different films:

(Ellen Burstyn in the sublime The Last Picture Show and Barbara Harris in the abysmal Who is Harry Kellerman, and Why is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?)

To see which performance I absolutely hated (which was a shame because I love the woman), what the other Smackdowners think about the nominees and the overall winner, check out the 1971 Supporting Actress Smackdown.

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Actor

And the nominees are...

Matt Damon, The Departed

A brilliant performance that, for some reason or another, was never given any respect. Damon is transfixing as this dirty cop posing as a good cop and finally proved to me that he is a fantastic actor.

Key Scene: Raiding Costello

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Departed

With The Aviator, DiCaprio proved (to me anyways) that he could act. With The Departed, DiCaprio proves why he is one of the most respected actors in his age group. This is one hell of a knockout performance.

Key Scene: The final showdown on the roof

Aaron Eckhart, Thank You For Smoking

Being the lead of an impressive cast is never easy, but Eckhart does it flawlessly and easily shows us why everyone falls for this tobacco lobbyist's line.

Key Scene: Speaking at his son's career day

Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson

I wrote about this performance before, but let me just remind you how awed I was by this stunning, haunting and altogether brilliant performance...from the star of The Notebook no less.

Key Scene: Being found in the bathroom by Dre

Edward Norton, The Painted Veil

Norton keeps on surprising us with unusual projects and interesting characters. His performance here as the quiet and shy doctor who turns cold and bitter once he finds out about his wife's affair is startling and another brilliant performance for him.

Key Scene: Telling his wife he knows about her affair

If Only There Were Six: Sacha Baron Cohen, Borat: hilarious, but also insightful- a rarity nowadays

Rest of the Top 10: Gael Garcia Bernal, The Science of Sleep: effectively keeps the surrealism grounded in reality...Patrick Wilson, Little Children: another fine performance ignored by critics- when will they learn...James McAvoy, The Last King of Scotland: there really is no way he should have been campaigning for supporting because he is the whole show...Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland: an effective scene stealer and scarily mad

BRONZE
Aaron Eckhart, Thank You For Smoking
SILVER
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
GOLD
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Departed

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Supporting Actress

And the nominees are...

Lindsay Beamish, Shortbus

Beamish masterfully takes a one-note caricature joke (a dominatrix) and turns her into a real human being. Bravo to you.

Key Scene: Admitting her real name

Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine

She’s bright, cute as a button and hilarious, but above all, Breslin is a natural on-screen and should soon overtake Dakota Fanning as the most wanted child star in Hollywood.

Key Scene: “I eat ice cream”

Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

What more can I say? A powerful performance with passionate vocals and the dramatic chops to match. A very rare occurrence indeed.

Key Scene: “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”

Ashley Johnson, Fast Food Nation

Johnson lights up the screen in every frame she appears in with her youthful exuberance and passion for living- which only makes her realization at the end of the film all the more affecting.

Key Scene: Setting the cows free

Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

Kikuchi produces the only real full-fledged “character” to emerge from the lowest depth of humanity known as Babel and, consequently, makes us feel for her character using only gestures, uninhibited sign language and her eyes.

Key Scene: Baring her soul to the police officer

If Only There Were Six: Frances McDormand in Friends With Money: her diva antics made my day

Rest of the Top Ten: Carmen Maura, Volver: brilliantly shows both the wonderful and tough things about motherhood...Jill Clayburgh, Running With Scissors: her moments of brilliance made the film much better...Lola Dueñas, Volver: funny and touching in an unexpected way...Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal: matched Dame Judi every step of the way and, of course, "Here I am!"

BRONZE
Ashley Johnson, Fast Food Nation
SILVER
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
GOLD
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Supporting Actor

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Zac and Nikki: Match Made in Heaven?

I was flipping through some trashy tabloid a few days ago and I came across this article that said that Hairspray co-stars Zac Efron and Nikki Blonsky were a couple. At first, I was a little surprised by this announcement because for years Hollywood has pounded into my head that skinny white boys like Efron only date skinny white chicks like Lindsay Lohan or Hillary Duff, but now I'm totally in love with this relationship. We all know my dream couple and this is basically them except a few years younger and Nikki Blonsky just sings like a black girl. Unfortunately, there might be some problems in the future because of their different religious faiths: Zac is Jewish (I had no idea) and Nikki is some kind of Christian (Catholic I think, but don't quote me). Maybe they can overcome these differences because they like to talk about serious things like the war in Iraq and global warming, which Zac never could with his ex Vanessa Anne Hudgens (I'm not making this last part up---it was in that article).

Reader Request: Rants on “Pokémon: The First Movie”

When I first saw Pokémon: The First Movie in the movie theater when I was about ten years old, I’d never thought I would see the day when I would have to sit through it again. But here I am, a 19 year old college sophomore, watching this damn movie again. But c’est la vie.

The structure of Pokémon: The First Movie is basically just like any TV-to-film adaptation; it is nothing more than one extended episode. What sets it apart from the TV series is the dark and serious (for a kid-oriented cartoon, anyway) opening sequence. In it, we learn that a new Pokémon named Mewtwo has been genetically engineered from the DNA of Mew. While being studied by some scientists, Mewtwo ponders some deep thoughts (What am I? Am I real? What is life?- shit like that) before being persuaded to leave the scientists and become an equal with some random trainer. The trainer is basically a douchebag and tells Mewtwo that Pokémon can never be "equal" to humans. Mewtwo goes apeshit crazy and starts demolishing everything in his path and ventures on his own.

But don’t worry- it doesn’t stay this dark for too long. Before you know it, the film cuts to Ash, Misty and Brock eating lunch in the park. A different random trainer suddenly comes up to Ash and challenges him to a duel- which of course Ash wins. Now this is something about Ash and his Pokémon that has always bugged me: why is it that his shitty Squirtle and Bulbasaur can defeat such enormous and highly evolved Pokémon every single time? I know that technically Ash is a great trainer or something and that his love for them can overcome everything, blah blah blah, but it really makes no sense. How would Squirtle’s attack in which a little trickle of water comes out of his mouth cause more damage than some 500 pound Pokémon lunging on top of him?

Eventually, Ash and company get an invitation to meet and battle with one of the most powerful- and mysterious- trainers. He immediately accepts and they are off to catch a boat where this trainer lives. Following him is the best characters from the TV show: Jessie, James and Meowth from Team Rocket. They are such enormous divas (with perfect hair) who will stop at nothing to try to catch Ash’s Pikachu. When they get to the boat dock, the storm of the century breaks out and no boats can leave. A couple trainers (including Ash and company) decide to brave the storm and use their Pokémon to get across to the island.

Once on the island, they meet this mysterious trainer and guess who it turns out to be…Mewtwo, of course! What a plot twist I didn’t see coming. Immediately, these cocky trainers want to fight Mewtwo, but they are quickly defeated by his powerful psychic powers. Then they get this brilliant idea that since Mewtwo is a Pokémon, they can capture him. All of them throw their Pokéballs at him, but it doesn’t work. I don’t know what these dumbasses were thinking, because they had just seen Mewtwo annihilate that Gyrados. And even the stupidest person knows that you have to weaken a Pokémon before you can capture it (Duh!)

Next, Mewtwo brings out his own Pokémon to battle and his Blastoise, Charizard and Venusaur quickly defeat the other trainers’ weaker Blastoise, Charizard and Venusaur. In compensation for his victory, Mewtwo decides to claim these fallen Pokémon as his own. I thought this was completely fair (he did whip their asses) but then he decides that he needs to capture every trainers’ Pokémon with these inescapable black Pokéballs. Ash tries to save Pikachu, but in the end these Pokéballs are just too powerful.

But why does Mewtwo want all of these Pokémon? While all of this has been going on, Jessie, James and Meowth have wandered into Mewtwo’s lab and discovered that Mewtwo has a machine that can make exact replicas of any Pokémon placed in it. While these scenes are pretty funny (I love the send up of the TV show where as the Pokémon pass through the cloning machine we see their shadows on a screen and James cries out "Who’s that Pokémon?" while Jessie replies "It’s Pikachu!") they reveal a fatal flaw in the film’s story. Why would Mewtwo, who feels bitter and angry about being created from Mew, want to clone all of these other Pokémon and continue this bitterness among them? Not only is it selfish, it doesn’t fit in with the beginning at all.

Eventually, after he is done cloning them, Mewtwo returns the stolen Pokémon to their trainers and all is happy…for a couple of seconds. Mew, who had been popping up briefly beforehand, shows up and Mewtwo gets pissed and wants to prove that he is superior to the original. So they start battling and, before you know it, all of the other Pokémon (original versus clone) start fighting. This probably the best scene in the whole damn film for two reasons: First, there is this cute shot where both of the Psyducks bitch slap each other without much enthusiasm or energy. Second, there is this great line from one of the random trainers: "Pokémon aren’t meant to fight…like this." It’s perfect because it makes absolutely no sense. When are they meant to fight? For meaningless battles with random trainers who just pop up out of nowhere (like Ash’s battle in the beginning)? What makes that any different than the fight going on right now?

Just when things are looking as grim as they could possibly be, things get worse for Ash. He gets in the way of one of Mewtwo's attacks and goes down like Paris Hilton after a couple of drinks. Pikachu rushes after him, hoping he can save him, but it seems that it is too late. Mewtwo is touched by this gesture and immediately stops fighting, delivers a moving monologue that felt like something out of Crash about how people shouldn't discriminate and then finally bring Ash back to life. Then everything goes back to the way things were and everyone is farting rainbows and getting high on life.

While not as horrible as it could have been, something got lost in translation between the light, carefree and easy to handle TV show and this dark, heavy-handed and preachy. As much as I don't like the show, I'd take it any day over this film.

My Rating: **

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Original Screenplay

And the nominees are...

Pedro Almodóvar, Volver

The women in Volver always feel like a real family and, dead husbands aside, the constant warmth is a refreshing feeling. Too bad so many people won't see this because it's in a foreign language...it's a knockout.

Michael Arndt, Little Miss Sunshine

Another real family, but this time, one of the most hilariously dysfunctional ever put on screen. Arndt does a fine job turning this cliché plot into something fresh and exciting.

Nicole Holofcener, Friends With Money

The relationships between the women and their men never feel artificial. We may have seen this a hundred times before, but Holofcener adds levity and wit to make it something fresh.

John Cameron Mitchell, Shortbus

It could have been a glorified porn film, but Mitchell uses sex in ways I've never seen before and creates warm, inviting characters for us to get involved in that goes way beyond porn. Bonus points for that beautiful monologue that The Mayor gives towards the beginning.

Peter Morgan, The Queen

Morgan gets inside the head of Queen Elizabeth and makes us understand why she does the things she does (all without sneaking too much sympathy in there).

Runners Up: Michel Gondry, The Science of Sleep...Russell Gerwitz, Inside Man...Anna Boden, Ryan Fleck, Half Nelson

BRONZE
Pedro Almodóvar, Volver
SILVER
John Cameron Mitchell, Shortbus
GOLD
Michael Arndt, Little Miss Sunshine

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Adapted Screenplay

And the nominees are...

Bill Condon, Dreamgirls

It always fascinating to see an adaptation of a Broadway work and wonder what it must have looked like on the stage because the film doesn't look like it would fit on a stage. Condon does just that...and makes it look easy.

Todd Field, Tom Perrotta, Little Children

The film is highly literate, but not so stuffy and filled with superlative dialogue that it's hard to get involved in.

Patrick Marber, Notes on a Scandal

The most intelligent camp script I have ever seen in my life. Marber deserves more credit than he receives for making this film so over the top and, yet, grounded in reality.

William Monahan, The Departed

Every word of dialogue is true and beliveable and, even at 2 1/2 hours, I don't think any of the scenes could have been cut.

Ron Nyswaner, The Painted Veil

Nyswaner's updating of the Maugham novella manages to keep both the relationship issues on the same footing with the exotic location.

Runners Up: Andy Wachowski and Larry Wachowski, V For Vendetta...Jason Reitman, Thank You For Smoking...Christoper Nolan and Jonathon Nolan, The Prestige

BRONZE
Bill Condon, Dreamgirls
SILVER
Patrick Marber, Notes on a Scandal
GOLD
William Monahan, The Departed