Imaginary Boyfriends of 2009

One of my favorite (and, judging by the amount of comments, most popular) posts I have ever done was this rundown of my Imaginary Boyfriends and Girlfriends of 2008. Since that went over so well, I decided to make it a new tradition to honor the hottest guys who made the biggest impact on my year. So, let's get this list started, shall we?

P.S. If you're wondering where the ladies are at, don't worry. I have a whole post dedicated to them coming soon.

Kris Allen
As soon as I saw his pretty face emerge on the Idol stage during Semi-Finals week, I knew I was hooked. When he opened his mouth and that beautiful voice came out, I was done for. The fact that Kris, with his soulful voice and puppy dog eyes, defied all odds and won the damn show over higher profile names was just compensation for the horrific season that preceded it.


Hugh Dancy
I know Mr. Dancy has been around for ages, but 2009 was the year I finally started to appreciate him. Say what you want about Confessions of a Shopaholic, I thought it was an above average Hollywood rom-com with a fiesty comedic performance from Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy there to match her every step of the way. He may not have gotten many funny bits, but he knew just how to react to Fisher to both make her seem funnier and himself look 100 times more engaging than most insipid rom-com romantic foils. Not an easy task, I'm afraid, but Dancy nailed it. I haven't even seen his lauded work in Adam yet, so hopefully that will add to my goodwill towards him this year.


Darin
No idea who he is? Don't feel bad; up until a couple of months ago I had never heard of him either. Kameron introduced me to the former Swedish Idol runner-up via his cover of Coldplay's 'Viva la Vida' (which mines more emotional depth in any individual line than Chris Martin could muster for an entire song) and then launched me full-force into his entire discography. I must say, I dig this guy. The sound of each album is definitely reflective of the time it was recorded, moving from early 2000's pop to the JT-inspired stuff of his most recent album, Flashback. He's attempting to break into the UK in 2010 with 'Breathing Your Love,' so I hope you Brits enjoy, support and make him a success over there.


Sterling Knight
I'll be the first to admit that Sterling isn't exactly a "looker," especially in comparison with 17 Again co-star Zac Efron (then again, should any human being really have to endure being compared with Zac?). However, he is adorable, has a charming personality and comedic skills actors twice his age should be jealous of. I first noticed Sterling as Efron's son in 17 Again, impressed at the way he was able to sneak some humorous moments in the film when the part, as written, was a complete throwaway. It wasn't until I first watched Sonny With a Chance that my affection for him blossomed into love. As I've mentioned before, Chad Dylan Cooper is one of the best characters on TV right now and it is all thanks to Sterling's fearless performance.


Taylor Lautner
You've seen him without a shirt on, right? Yeah, I thought so.


Matthew Morrison
Matthew Morrison is one of the sexiest men of 2009 because:
(a) He sings and dances
(b) He and Jayma Mays are positively adorable together
(c) Throwing down with Jane Lynch on Glee was one of the season's most hilarious moments
(d) He occasionally raps
(e) Any of the above except d

I think we know the answer to this, yes?


Garrett Neff
I became interested in male models and photography this year and Garrett was one of the best I discovered. His portfolio is extremely diverse, balancing light-hearted photos with ultra-serious, highly artistic ones. Plus he's hot as hell. That never hurts.


Chris Pine
I first saw Chris in this horrible, horrible movie called Blind Dating where he plays a stereotypical Italian-American who, coincidentally, is blind and dating. He was so awful in the movie I never thought he would be able to pull off Star Trek when I heard he was cast in it. Well, color me surprised. Not only was he sexy (oh that bedroom scene!) but he also nailed the humor in the film (I laughed every damn time Karl Urban gave him a shot once they boarded the Enterprise). Good looking and funny? Be still my heart.


Sebastian Stan
He's one-half of my favorite celebrity couple, plus his acting on Kings was beyond sensational. Someone give him more work please.


Chad White
Like Garrett Neff, Chad White has a widely varied portfolio. He has the ability to go from light commercial stuff to dark, edgy editorials and do them all well. Additionally, he seems like a sweet, approachable person. How many male models can you say that about?

My Inner Monologue During Twilight Saga: New Moon on Two Different Occasions

Thursday, 11/19, Midnight Screening: "OMG, here we go! Stewart, Kendrick and Lautner Abs, please don't let me down...Wait, did I stumble into the wrong theatre? We're less than a minute in and it looks like Chris Weitz is actually attempting to be artistic in some way with this dream sequence. I mean, this is not Ingmar Bergman or anything, but it's definitely a far cry from Hardwicke's Twilight. I guess I'll have to look for something else to make fun of. Based on the first film, this should take another 45 seconds max...Oh good, Robert Pattinson is arriving at school. In slow motion. This should be hilarious...Wow, that actually wasn't too embarrassing. Weitz and Pattinson actually seemed to be letting loose and having fun at the expense of Edward Cullen. Is there hope for this film? Damn, that kiss between Edward and Bella was steamy; I think Pattinson just came in his pants. And now Lautner has arrived to make this triangle complete. I love that he has skipped class just to come across town to Bella's school just to give her a birthday present. Way to endorse truancy! Lautner's now going for the hug with Bella and...goddamn! Did you see that look he shot at Pattinson? It was basically the equivalent to Beyoncé's threatening 'Try me, bitch!' in Obsessed...I'm impressed at how well the screenwriter and Weitz have condensed the bloated, blundering novel this is based on. Even in comparison with Twilight, which highlighted the wrong sections of the novel and actually made it seem longer, New Moon feels much swifter (Seriously, the novel spends 100+ pages following a mopey, epically depressed Bella in a series of repetitive scenes and internal thoughts that feel endless. I am forever grateful that in the film they condensed that Ben-Hur-sized section into one--beautifully done, I must add--long take that lasts not more than 90 seconds)


"HOLY SHIT. Lautner just took of shirt! If you can ignore that hideous wig on his head, this is absolutely perfect...He's walking around shirtless in the rain. I, uh, um, I, er...Is it hot in here or just me? Bella, how can you just stand there and not bounce on the boy?! You have way more self control than I ever could...And now he's in your bedroom, shirtless, sitting on your bed, practically inviting you to ride him like a bronco? Bitch, why are you just standing there? I, uh...(This is probably the point where I melted into my chair and nearly passed out. The girl sitting next to me asked if I was okay while my friend Megan started fanning me. I think I can honestly understand all of those women in the 1920's losing their shit over Rudolph Valentino). Whew, that was a close one. Lautner and Stewart are ever so close to locking lips. Come on, DO IT. I don't care if it's not in the fucking book, DEFY IT. The book is a piece of shit anyways. Come on, come on, so close...FUCKING TELEPHONE AND FUCKING EDWARD. How dare you ruin it! Lautner and Stewart muster more palpable sexual tension than you ever could with her, you soggy British wimp.


"Now Bella is off to save her precious Edward and I, officially, don't really care anymore. Blah blah Volturi blah blah grand theft auto blah blah...Haha, I love that after watching Taylor's glorious abs for the last hour, the audience has turned against Pattinson's naked torso. I literally hear boos coming from people in the audience. This makes me so happy...Here comes Dakota Fanning trying to win that ever elusive Oscar. Out of everyone on the cast, she, of course, takes this shit way more seriously than necessary. Sorry D, I don't think you'll be hearing your name come Oscar nomination morning...The film finally ends with a semi-showdown between Edward and Jacob where Edward, the big limped-dick pussy he is, thanks Jacob for protecting Bella while he was off being a whiny emo bitch. Jacob, thankfully, refuses his thanks and instead basically calls out Edward's douche-ness...I think I'm on Team Jacob now." B-

Friday, 12/4, 9:40 Showing: "OH MY GOD. GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT! Why is this film dragging so much more than last time? Lousy scene after lousy scene is just floating by in front of me and I am gleaning absolutely nothing from it. The motive of each scene is important, but the putrid dialogue is nothing more than an awful excuse for writing. Who the Christ talks like that? Certainly not any teenagers I know. And, my God, could Stewart and Pattinson be any f-ing stiffer in the break-up scene? They are standing about 20 feet apart, stiffer than Pattinson's dick when watching Lautner take off his shirt and do nothing but stare at each other. I feel like I'm trapped in one of those awful D.W. Griffith silent Victorian melodramas where the romantic leads look into each others eyes for endless amounts of time and a simple blink or lifting of the hand is supposed to reveal excessive amounts of emotion...Bella, I simply can not feel sorry for you. You have two men in your life, one is a sexy mofo with a slight sense of humor and the other, if nothing else (and I do mean nothing: he's not charming, funny, interesting or cute), is quite devoted to you, willing to risk their lives and happiness just to appease you and I can't even get a boy to ask me out. Oh yeah Bella, you have it so rough.


"Why does everyone take this damn film so seriously? The plot is incredibly idiculous, rife with obvious clichés and eye-rolling moments and yet everyone on the cast and crew treats it like grand drama or, worse yet, end-of-the-world tragedy. New Moon could be great camp and a lot easier to swallow if everyone just let loose and had some fun with the material. This is why I generally hate blockbusters and what I found so refreshing about Star Trek. That wasn't a perfect film but it understood that the whole premise is silly and had a good time playing it for laughs. Thankfully we have Anna Kendrick (who is possibly even more fun as Jessica than she was in Twilight and whose line reading of "Movies with Bella? Fun" is an immediate classic--I literally almost ROFL'ed in the theater) and Michael Sheen (if his role didn't seem so pointless in the grand scheme of things, I might consider him for a Best Supporting Actor Diva Cup) to liven things up and adds dollops of humor whenever they come on-screen. Honestly, thank you. I don't think I could have made it through this time without you. Your muffin baskets are in the mail." C-

New Same Difference

Wow.

When we last left Same Difference, they had just been dropped by their label after lower than expected sales of their phenomenal debut album Pop. This would have been the death knell for most pop acts and we never would have heard from them again. But, as they have done time and time again, Same Difference have proven resilient and ready to bounce back from anything with more gusto than before. Free from Simon Cowell's meddling hand, Sean and Sarah have ditched their Disney-friendly, rainbow and sunshine personas and have now adopted an edgier look. I must say, at first I was a little sad at the passing of their light-hearted look, but I am absolutely in love with it now. I'm glad they are maturing for, as fun as their old look was, I don't think they could have explored it any further than they did on Pop. From the bits of their newest single, 'Souled Out,' that I've been able to hear, it appears that they are definitely moving beyond High School Musical and ready to take on some of Britain's great pop acts. Here's hoping we continue to hear great things from Same Difference in 2010.

P.S. According to their website, an international release is being planned for Pop! Woohoo! I know I'll be first in line to pick up my copy.

Who is Christopher Wilde?

The teaser trailer for the latest Disney Channel Original Movie, Starstruck, made its way online last night and, for once, I'm super excited. Why, you ask? Well it's not because of the plot, which sounds like a corny and predictable version of Sonny With a Chance (girl from the Midwest ends up in Hollywood trying to pursue her musical dreams and falls in love with the most popular singer in the country). From that description alone, I feel like I've seen this movie 1400 times before. The teaser, however, gives me a little hope that Starstruck may be a tad more clever than your average DCOM (hopefully they got some SWAC writers to work on the screenplay). What I'm looking forward to and, consequently, has me so excited for the film is the cast which includes SWAC veteran Brandon Smith and Chelsea motherfucking Staub, supreme JONAS goddess and all-around star-in-the-making (I had no idea she was in the cast and nearly did the gay inhale when she popped up and said, "People call us the It couple" in that hilariously phony, dumb heiress tone). And then there's the crown jewel, the one, the only, the should-be King of Disney Chad Dylan Sterling Knight! If you are loyal readers of the site, you know of my immense love for this man, the greatest actor of his generation. His role in Starstruck sounds vaguely similar to Chad Dylan Cooper although, unfortunately, probably less douchey and less fun since he won't have Demi Lovato's wonderful Sonny to verbally spar or create lovely sexual tension with. Oh well. I am all for more Sterling Knight in my life and eternally thankful he gets to headline one of these things instead of one of the male loser from Hannah Montana (Which one? Take your pick, they all suck).

"All I hear from that is, 'Chad, you're so super blah blah blah blah.'"

Salò, or 120 Minutes of Visual Torture (But in a Good Way. Kinda)

I like to think that due to my personality and many years of hardcore movie watching, I'm pretty unshockable. Over the years, I've sat through the blatant racism of Griffith's The Birth of a Nation, the "ultraviolence" of A Clockwork Orange and the fucked-up sexual fetishes in Cronenberg's Crash without so much as breaking a sweat. Sure, they were all uncomfortable at times, but I was never outraged by their explicitness. So when I rented Pier Paolo Pasolini's infamously controversial Salò, or The 120 Days of Sodom I thought that I could handle it without a problem. Let's just say, I was wrong. Completely wrong.

I don't want to spoil any of the "plot points" since they are best experienced when confronted with in the moment, but there was a scene in the movie where I nearly vomited on my couch. My stomach literally turned and I even gagged a little bit. A couple of scenes later I literally had to cover my face with my jacket while fast forwarding through the nastiness, barely peeking over the corner of my hood to see if the scene was over (and immediately repulsed again when I realized it was still going on). It was at these moments where I had to stop the move and literally escape back into reality just to regain my composure. Then, in the final moments, I was this time hiding my eyes behind my hands, repeating "Oh my God" over and over again and nervously laughing like a crazy person.

If this sounds like reason enough to dislike Salò, you would be completely wrong. There's something to be admired about a film which can provoke such a reaction from a viewer, especially someone like me who naively assumed they had seen it all. The graphicness may be what haunts you afterward, but Pasolini is careful never to use the horrifying imagery just for the shock value. Salò uses these grotesque images for one of the most potently shocking attacks on fascism, capitalism and religion I've ever witnessed. It is also worth noting that Pasolini unleashes this horror without the usual comforts of a traditional horror film. There's no loud, scary music and, for the most part, the camera is static and unobtrusive in capturing the terrifying acts being perpetrated. This makes it all the more frightening if you ask me.

The fact that Salò is still banned in many different countries around the world is an unfortunate consequence of the film's controversial vision. This is a film every serious student of film should see at some point, if only to experience how powerful and wrenching film at its rawest and most visceral can be. Salò is not a film I ever wish to revisit again in my life but I think I'll always be grateful for allowing Pasolini to take me on a journey through hell. A

Shawty, What Yo Name Is? B and GaGa, Obviously: A (Semi-) Defense of 'Video Phone'

I have a confession to make: I can not stop listening to Beyoncé and Lady GaGa's 'Video Phone.' The song is complete shit, I'm not denying that. B is channeling that awkward ghetto chick she whips out for a couple tracks on each album and, no matter how often she tries, it never works. She can be the big balladier, the dancehall diva and the angry and unapologetic B, but even she can't do it all. Then you have GaGa, who is about as "street" and "urban" as Miley Cyrus at a country hoedown, thrown into this madness for no real reason other than to cash in on her enormous popularity (and, possibly, to promote their other collaboration, 'Telephone' from GaGa's Fame Monster, which is being released as a single soon). Add repetitive lyrics that go nowhere and a Titanic-sized five minute runtime and 'Video Phone' is easily one the battiest, downright odd singles Beyoncé has ever released.

But even after admitting all that, I can't quit 'Video Phone.' I am a sucker for the extended and the introductory line: "Shorty, what yo name is?" It makes absolutely no sense (both grammatically and with-in the song) but it's so absolutely strange that I can't help but appreciate it. And what about that crazy-ass beat? The four or so distinct yet completely layered beats sound as out-there as an early Missy Elliott and Timbaland collaboration. It shouldn't work as well as it does, but at times it covers up the lousy lyrics and that's something we can all be grateful for. Lady GaGa won't have a career as an urban artist, however her verse is as decent as the middling song will allow and I think she's having fun trying something new.



Now we have the video to consider. Coming off the stunning masterpieces that were 'Bad Romance,' 'Paparazzi' and the woefully underrated 'Sweet Dreams,' 'Video Phone' doesn't hold a candle to any of them. However, it's not completely dismissible as there are some interesting things going on there. It's almost a complete example of "style over substance,' but I'll be damned if it's not an intriguing style. I love the bold, almost Godardian use of queasily bright colors, which compensates for the rapid-fire, ADD editing scheme, liable to cause small kids in Japan to have seizures. And, speaking of Godard, I love the way they pay homage to his idea that "all you need for a movie is a girl and a gun," with both B and GaGa making interesting use of the candy-colored prop guns. There may be a lot going on in this video and most of it may not be necessary, but I still find it fascinating to watch.

So, while 'Video Phone' may not make any year-end list, it joins 'Send It On' as one of this year's ultimate guilty pleasures. They may both be indefensible as legitimately good pop tunes, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun listening to them over and over again.

The Definition of a "Come Hither" Look

And he does it without even trying!

An Open Letter to Glee

Dear Glee,

Please get better. Soon. This week's episode was an abomination against all humankind. I seriously haven't rolled my eyes that much in such a short span of time since the love scenes between Troy and Gabriella in HSM3.

I know some readers out there think I'm just a big ole player hater who will never be satisfied with the show, but that's not true. I just think that Glee has the potential to be a great show and isn't living up to its initial promise. The show is coasting on its enormous buzz right now and hasn't done much in the episodes since its phenomenal debut to live up to all of it. Sure, there have been moments of inspiration and cleverness (I especially loved the Mash-Up episode with the girls' singing 'Halo' and 'Walking on Sunshine') but nothing has even come close to matching this moment of magic:



And on Wednesday, my God, I swear recovering from surgery was less painful than what happened on Glee. I mean, the whole "I've seen this episode five times before" plot (Baby business and Rachel loves Finn? Oy vey) was bad enough, but once they showed the deaf choir "singing" 'Imagine,' I almost fucking lost it. What the fuck was that? You can call it "inspirational" or whatever the fuck you want, but that was shameless manipulation, pure and simple, worthy only of the Idol Gives Back special. And then they had the balls to sing another soppy ballad, 'True Colors,' at the very end, just to top off the shittiness. Glee could be so much better than anything as dire as those by-the-books numbers and yet it keeps on relying on this over and over again. If they switch things up a bit like they did for 'Don't Stop Believing,' 'Halo/Walking on Sunshine' and the recent rendition of 'Dancing With Myself,' the numbers become much more interesting. Without this creativity, Glee becomes nothing more than a show with a mediocre plot and kids singing mediocre Broadway karaoke.

xoxo
Dame James

When Archie Met GaGa

Why does David Archuelta get to meet all of my gay icons? Seriously, he is one lucky bastard. But he's also completely adorable so it's hard to begrudge him (much). My favorite thing about this clip (and the one with Kathy Griffin) is that Davie is as awkward with the larger than life Lady GaGa as any normal, non-celebrity would be. I know if I randomly ran into Lady GaGa somewhere, I wouldn't have anything interesting to say so I'd spend the time either panting like a sex-crazed lunatic or shouting "I LOVE YOU!" at her like every other gay fan. At least Davie is able to keep his cool and even ends up making a funny when hugging her, "I don't wanna get poked by that" (meaning her dress, obviously).

Top 100 Songs of the 2000's: 100-81

Well, my readers, we're getting to that point. The decade is drawing to a close and it's time to start unveiling "Best of" lists by the score. Of course, I will be jumping on this bandwagon and offering my opinion on the best albums (already in progress with a new installment soon), films and, starting now, songs (a couple others may pop up depending on time restrictions). As I mentioned before, I am not a music critic. Unlike with movies, I don't have refined, highbrow taste; I know what I like and that's usually ridiculous, poppy-as-music-can-get pop music (I've literally said before, "If you want poetry, listen to Bob Dylan. But if you want to shake your ass, listen to Fergie. And that's okay by me"). So, naturally, that posed a problem for me: how do I approach this list? Should I go with sentimental favorites? Pop tracks that even non-pop fans might enjoy? The "best" of what pop had to offer this decade? After some soul searching, I decided to combine all three, hopefully creating a good mix of legitimately great songs with ones that I'm personally attached to for reasons beyond "greatness." I'm giving you fair warning so if you don't like pop music, please don't leave a comment saying something along the lines of, "THIS LIST SUCKS! What about *insert random British indie band that only 5 people have heard of, Girls Aloud mocks in 'Hoxton Heroes' and makes me sound like a pretentious twat*????"

So, without further ado, here's Part 1 of my Top 100 Songs of the 2000's:

100. Ashlee Simpson 'La La'
2005. From Autobiography
What better way to start off the countdown then with the decade's one and only true masterpiece of pop trash. Ashlee Simpson is the triple threat of badness (can't sing, can't act, can't dance) so it seems fitting that she achieves so much with 'La La,' a song with hilarious "so subtle they're not subtle anymore" lyrics ("You make me wanna la la/In the kitchen, on the floor") and obvious innuendo (Gee, I wonder what "la la" is referencing...). Only Ashlee, in all of her awful glory, could make this song work in all the wrong ways.


99. Phantom Planet 'California'
2004. From The Guest
Hate or love The O.C., everyone knows this song, or, at the very least, the infamous "California, here we come" line. Who knew that something so simple could define not only an entire TV show but also said show's devoted following?






98. La Roux 'Bulletproof'
2009. From La Roux
Who would have guessed that one of the most new, refreshing and forward-sounding artists of the decade would be this Neo-80's Synth Pop group? It's a tough call between this one and 'In for the Kill,' but 'Bulletproof' was my first exposure and immediately cemented my love for La Roux.





97. DJ Sammy & Yanou featuring Do 'Heaven'
2002. From Heaven
If nothing else, DJ Sammy proved that shitty Bryan Adams songs could be turned into addictive dance club staples. There's hope for you yet, 'Everything I Do (I Do It For You).'






96. Dream 'He Loves U Not'
2000. From It Was All a Dream At the height of this song's popularity, I thought Dream was going to be around for forever. Who knew that after their second single, 'This Is Me,' Dream would be no more? Oh well. At least we'll always have this insanely catch pop number to remember the good times.






95. Sean Paul 'Get Busy'
2003. From Dutty Rock
Sean Paul is usually bearable in small doses (Beyoncé's 'Baby Boy' and Blu Cantrell's 'Breathe' come to mind) but I find him to be generally awful. The stars aligned, however, for a brief moment in 2003 with this explosive, unrelenting dancehall track.





94. Michelle Williams 'We Break the Dawn'
2008. From Unexpected
Beyoncé may have hogged all the attention after the break-up of Destiny's Child, but eternal third-wheel Michelle Williams had at least one stunner of a track buried up her sleeve on her first non-Christian solo album. It's a shame (and somewhat surprising) that this song never caught on with American audiences. T-Pain can have five #1's yet 'We Break the Dawn' can't even get a little love?



93. Martina McBride 'Where Would You Be'
2002. From Greatest Hits
One of the most underrated belters in all of music really belts it out in this ode to love gone awry. Martina may be country, but her pure vocals and the raw emotion of this song quickly make you forget those negative connotations.





92. Brandy 'Full Moon'
2002. From Full Moon
Right before Brandy became almost irrelevant on the pop music scene (she has apparently made some great albums afterwards but I haven't bothered listening to them), she left us with this smooth and sexy R&B track, proving that sometimes the most rewarding songs are the ones that make it seem effortless.





91. Sophie Ellis-Bextor 'Murder on the Dancefloor'
2001. From Read My Lips
My first exposure to SEB before I really knew who she was. She may have produced technically superior work afterwards, but there's something about the relative simplicity and repetitiveness of 'Murder on the Dancefloor' that sticks with me above anything else.




90. Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse 'Valerie'
2007. From Version
As if all of their epic collaborations on Back to Black weren't enough, Ronson and Winehouse teamed up one more time for Ronson's Version in 2007 and produced this soulful cover of The Zutons' original. The end result is further proof that Winehouse's two year long drug-induced haze is one of the decade's biggest tragedies.





89. Jennifer Lopez featuring Styles P and Jadakiss 'Jenny From the Block'
2002. From This Is Me...Then
To prove how real and humble she is, J. Lo wrote a song about how she's real "even on Oprah." I think it goes without saying that 'Jenny From the Block' only proves how high in the clouds she is. But that's okay- I wouldn't have my divas any other way.



88. Fergie 'London Bridge'
2006. From The Dutchess
So out there lyrically and stylistically I pretty much did a double take the first time I heard it; did she really just say that. Hell yes she did and it soon became apparent who the real driving force behind the Black Eyed Peas' recent success was. Oh shit indeed.






87. Madonna 'Hung Up'
2005. From Confessions on a Dancefloor
Only Madonna could turn an untouchable ABBA hook into one of the decade's greatest Europop numbers. The fact that this song was a monster hit in every country in the world except the USA is still a major embarrassment.





86. Girls Aloud 'Something Kinda Ooooh'
2006. From The Sound of Girls Aloud
Most artists couldn't have made this song's wacky, onomatopoeia-filled chorus sound like anything other than complete and utter gibberish. Girls Aloud, however, aren't most artists and turn 'Something Kinda Ooooh' into a ridiculously addictive ridiculous pop gem.





85. Mary J. Blige 'Family Affair'
2001. From No More Drama
Now this is my jam! MJB was a success on the urban charts for close to a decade before this massive crossover hit, but 'Family Affair' proved that she could hang with both sides and still be true to herself. The song may not be as deep and emotionally resonant as some of her other great songs ('I'm Goin' Down,' 'No More Drama') but this one is simply damn fun.





84. M.I.A. 'Paper Planes'
2008. From Kala
If I could say one thing nice about Slumdog Millionaire, it's that it finally made me understand the genius of this M.I.A. track. I really have no idea what's it about but the combination of cash register sound effects and the line "Third world democracy/I've got more records than the KGB" make this song truly epic.





83. Christian Falk featuring Robyn 'Dream On'
2006. From People Say
Right before Robyn returned to the top of the charts around the world (except for the US, natch), she was featured on this slick, beat heavy, ultimately weird song about personal safety and security in the modern world (Yeah, I know. Who knew such an odd topic would make such a fascinating song?).





82. Jesse McCartney 'How Do You Sleep'
2009. From Departure
One of the best pure pop songs on this lists. With its chill, laid back groove, 'How Do You Sleep' is the perfect summer song to jam along to in the car with the windows rolled down.








81. Alesha Dixon 'The Boy Does Nothing'
2008. From The Alesha Show
Everytime I hear the opening outburst of "I've got a man with two left feet," I have to immediately stop whatever I'm doing and sing this song at the top of my lungs. Alesha's vibrant energy shines through impeccably on this single, proving that she could be a pop powerhouse in the coming years.

Fuck Jacob and Edward

I'm on Team Bella and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

P.S. Will anyone ever love Kristen Stewart as much as I do?

P.P.S. Only 6.5 hours until I get to see the fierce trio of Kristen Stewart, Anna Kendrick and Taylor Lautner's abs!

Golden Globe FYC's: Television

In just under a month, the Golden Globe nominations are going to be announced. Say what you want about them, but I love the way they cater to mega stars and nominate some out-there movies and TV shows the more serious Oscars and Emmys wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. And in that spirit, I wanted to point any members of the Hollywood Foreign Press who may have wandered onto my site to some underappreciated and unknown TV shows and performances from the past year. So, without further ado,

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)

Best Actor (Musical/Comedy): Joel McHale
Best Supporting Actress: Yvette Nicole Brown

Not everyone is in love with this show and I can accept that. The show's scattershot, smartass humor is a bit hit or miss, but when it hits, damn it is funny. Joel McHale, host of The Soup, is my boo so it should come as no surprise I love him on this show. The show's other highlight is Shirley, played by Yvette Nicole Brown. She's warm, generous and often hilarious with admittedly little to do sometimes. Hell, she can make silence funny.

Best Supporting Actress: Jane Lynch

The show is wildly inconsistent for me. Jane Lynch, however, is always spot on and often has me howling in laughter with her non-sensical metaphors and "Sue Says" TV spot. It's no wonder that Sue Sylvester is quickly replacing Chuck Norris as the ultimate tough guy.

Best Actress (Drama): Leighton Meester

This season so far has been a bit of a wash for Ms. Meester although things seem to be looking up for her (I loved the way she stood back and simply observed the aftermath of the "OM3"; she was far more interesting than any of the participants). My FYC is for, of course, her stellar work from the second half of last season. Do I really have to try and convince you again of her amazingness?

Best Supporting Actress: Chelsea Staub
Best Supporting Actress: Nicole Anderson

The Jonas Brothers may be the "stars" of JONAS, but the true discoveries are the main females of the show. Staub plays the band's stylist and shoulder to cry on about their various problems with an unusual combination of warmness and ferocious comedic timing unseen on any Disney show I've ever seen. Anderson is the band's obsessive fan who has slowly become my favorite reason to watch the show.

Best TV Show (Drama)
Best Supporting Actor: Sebastian Stan

This show never really had a chance on network TV, did it? Ambitious, layered and epic in scope, Kings was doomed from the start. But in its short 13 episode run, Kings had more impressive moments than some shows have had in three seasons. Ian McShane, with his booming voice and larger than life bravura, was great as the king, but I often found Sebastian Stan as doomed Prince Jack to be even more compelling throughout the show. In just a few episodes, the one-time Ed Westwick imitator became an actor to watch for in the future.

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)
Best Actress (Musical/Comedy): Demi Lovato
Best Supporting Actor: Sterling Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Tiffany Thornton

Who said that Disney was only for kids? One of the best shows on TV right now is on the Disney Channel and I'm not ashamed to admit that I watch it religiously. Sonny With a Chance is 30 Rock for the tweens and it's often just as groundbreaking and can't-catch-your-breath funny (when compared to its contemporaries, at least). Leading the cast is Demi Lovato as Sonny, the Liz Lemon of the show, and what's exciting about her performance is that over the course of the season, you can see her letting loose more and more, finally getting the hang of this comedy thing and truly becoming a star with each passing episode. Tiffany Thornton, plays self-obsessed diva Tawni Hart, the Jenna to Demi's Liz, and is a hoot everytime she appears on screen. Do you know anyone else who can elicit so many laughs just by repeating "Cocoa Mocho Cocoa" over and over again? And then there is trusty old Sterling Knight as tween heartthrob Chad Dylan Cooper (swoon!). His role as the romantic foil to Demi's Sonny is not particularly groundbreaking but the way he remains a complete douche even during the moments when he's supposed to be "wooing" Sonny is impressive. Less talented, "pretty boy" actors would have completely pussified CDC by episode four, but Knight is just as mean and darkly funny as he was on day one. Kudos to you!

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)
Best Supporting Actor: Keir Gilchrist
Best Supporting Actress: Brie Larson

Toni Collette is likely to get a nom, so it seems unnecessary to FYC her right now. Instead, I'll focus on the underappreciated children of Tara. Like I've talked about before, Gilchrist brings a clever twist to a stereotypical gay teen role. Larson is a complete bitch on the show, but she somehow brings enough humanity to her performance that I kinda wish she was my older sister.

Now You're Just Teasing Me, Mr. Schu

Here Come the Girls

In the past couple weeks, not 1, not 2, but six music videos were released from four of this decade's most fascinating female pop icons and two from exciting up-and-coming popstars. As I'm sure you've heard me bemoan before, the music video is a dying art. It's very rare nowadays for any music video to become a sort of national experience as it once was during the art form's heyday. Stemming from this, it feels like most artists and record labels have practically given up, releasing cheap club videos with no creativity whatsoever. It almost makes you wonder why they bother at all. With all this in mind, I still think it's important to watch and discuss music videos because every once in awhile we get a couple that stand out above the rest and give you renewed hope in the art form. I'm not sure how many of these six will go on to become future classics, but let's talk about them anyways.

Britney Spears '3' # # # # #

For a tawdry, explicit song about the joy of threesomes and coming from the decade's Princess of Controversy, Brit's video for '3' is surprisingly tame. Lame, actually, is a more appropriate word. I find it especially disappointing coming after both 'Womanizer' and 'Circus,' two videos which proved in very different ways that Britney hadn't lost her star power and still knew how to attract an audience after the Blackout disasters. With Britney standing around and doing nothing for 3/4 of the video, '3' almost seems like a step backwards to the madness of 'Gimme More.' Then you have to consider the fact that there isn't even a hint of a threesome until nearly the two minute mark and then it's only brief and less sexier than the much ballyhooed "OM3" on Gossip Girl. The very end of the video, with its mad, frantic rush of cuts, seems to get into the feeling of the song, but by then, it doesn't even matter.



Demi Lovato 'Remember December' # # # # #

Let's start with the bad, shall we? Unfortunately, there's quite a bit of it in the should-be Queen of Disney's latest video. How about the fact that absolutely nothing happens in this video. I can live with the performance section of the video, which is actually quite stunning in certain regards, but not that horrible, tacked on bit where the obviously superior Demi is supposed to be hanging out with her peers (her Camp Rock co-stars, which includes my mortal enemy Meghan Jette Martin). What does their hanging out consist of? Sitting in a car, "jamming" out to the music and then, arms linked, walking along the street. Seriously, that's it. There's not even a big party scene! If it leads to nothing, why bother including it in the first place? It seems like someone just thought, "Well all of Demi's co-stars are right here, we might as well lump them in there just for the hell of it" and there you have the 'Remember December' video. The highlight of the video, however, is witnessing Demi become the diva glam goddess we all knew she could become. Like I stated in my tweet after seeing it for the first time, "I want to kiss whoever styled this video." The outfits--most of which include 80's Power Bitch Shoulder Pads (!!!)--are simply stunning to look at and Demi totally owns them, proving once and for all she is ready to stop being lumped in with the Disney Kids and ascend to Top 40 stardom. And all I can say is it's about damn time



Leighton Meester featuring Robin Thicke 'Somebody to Love' # # # # #

The video may not be especially groundbreaking, but I'm just grateful that after the awkwardness that was her "having fun" in the 'Good Girls Gone Bad' video, Leighton Meester pulled it together and worked her star magnetism in her debut solo video. I love that this video looks and feels sexy, but never at any point really crosses that trashy line that so many artists would have pushed through. My only major gripe with the video is that atrocious cut-out outfit in the limo portions of the video. Maybe it's just a personal preference, but I don't find tube top-esque styles flattering on small chested women.



Shakira 'Did It Again' # # # # #

I'm an enormous fan of Shakira's 'She Wolf' video for it's inherent campiness, ridiculous dance moves (I can't be the only one who has tried to replicate the butt move towards the beginning, right?) and the fun she has with the whole ridiculous set-up, so her follow up video 'Did It Again' had a lot to live up to. While it's not as great as 'She Wolf,' 'Did It Again' has some great things going for it. The impressive set piece, a bedroom dance depicting the troubled relationship in the song, actually manages to make interpretive dancing cool again and not just something pretentious morons do to make us think they're insightful. My only major complaint with the video is the random excursion to the steamroom. First of all, Shakira looks much better with her teased out sex goddess hair than flattened and in a ponytail. Secondly, the scene adds nothing to the overall video; I would have found it much more interesting had they stayed in the room the whole time (and maybe do it all in one take à la 'Single Ladies').



Rihanna 'Russian Roulette' # # # # #

I'm no fan of the song--it's growing on me slightly, but it's still slightly tuneless and a very odd choice for a first single--but the video is a complete stunner. If you thought 'Disturbia' was dark and creepy, that video is a Same Difference routine in comparison to this one. My favorite thing about 'Russian Roulette' is that it's extremely visual but suggests rather than explicitly lays everything out for us. While I enjoy videos that have a plot or something else going on besides people standing around looking pretty, it's also a relief to see a video like 'Russian Roulette' that efficiently creates an atmosphere and builds on it with every shot.



Lady GaGa 'Bad Romance' # # # # #

If you, like me, thought nothing would ever top the richness of Lady GaGa's 'Paparazzi' video, then prepare yourself for the visual masterwork that is her follow-up: 'Bad Romance.' It's almost hard to put into words what makes this video so stunning, so awe-worthy, so laudatory since everytime I watch it I'm left completely speechless by the time the last frame rolls around, but I'll try my damnedest. Since the video's premiere a few days ago, I've heard people complain that it is indeed beautiful, but much of what makes it unique (the polar bear rug outfit, for example) is totally unnecessary. I can see that viewpoint, but I'm afraid I have to completely disagree. Lady GaGa is an artist who, over the past months, has come to represent everything great about how excess can be an asset to a pop artist. She works primarily in this excess and the 'Bad Romance' video is a visual celebration of all that. The lushness of the sets and costumes can become over the top, but I think they serve a greater purpose than just for people to remark, "Oh that Lady GaGa and her weird costumes!" The scene where the dancers are crawling out of those laboratory pods wearing white spandex outfits with white masks almost covering their entire face is supposed to visually reinforce their emergence out from this cocoon-like existence, blind to everything in this strange new world; they're in their caterpillar stage ready to morph into a butterfly. Even the polar bear rug could be thought of as representing GaGa's killer instinct and a way of foreshadowing the eventual fate for the man who purchases her. Then there are the tiny moments where GaGa stares into the camera that punctuate this harsh clip with a certain deranged beauty. All of these shots--GaGa with the big round eyes, GaGa with the one tear sliding down her cheek, GaGa looking exactly like Amy Winehouse, GaGa wearing dark sunglasses and looking directly into the mirror--could have been complete throwaways but actually add to the intensity of the overall video. After the cred she got from 'Paparazzi,' this video didn't have to be good and could have just been another disappointing 'Poker Face.' I'm glad, however, that at least one artist is still challenging themselves creatively outside of the studio.

Actor Devotionals: Jean-Pierre Léaud

A new series devoted to the actors and actresses who inspire me to continue watching and writing about the movies. Without these stars, cinema would be a little less bearable.

If you asked a group of cinephiles who their favorite French New Wave icon is, the amount of answers, unsurprisingly, would be wide and varied. Some of the “out there” members of this voting bloc might go with a quirky choice such as A Woman is a Woman star Jean-Claude Brialy. For the most part, however, a good majority of the votes would belong to Jean-Luc Godard’s muse (and wife for a brief period of time) Anna Karina and the sexy, rugged beacon of 60’s masculinity Jean-Paul Belmondo. As much as I love the above choices, for some time now, my heart has belonged to one New Wave icon alone: Jean-Pierre Léaud.

To the casual filmgoer, he may only be familiar as the troubled and misguided youth in Truffaut’s The 400 Blows, easily the greatest film about childhood ever made, but he actually had, and continues to have, a long and successful career after that film. I would argue, in fact, that Léaud, not Belmondo or Karina, was the ultimate New Wave actor. Although not theatrically trained, he possessed a certain type of naturalism that worked magically with the sort of world the French New Wave (and other highly respected European auteurs) sought to create. And was he ever popular: between 1959 and 1973, he worked with cinematic giants such as François Truffaut, Godard, Jacques Rivette, Jean Eustache, Pier Paolo Pasolini and Bernardo Bertolucci. Who besides Nicole Kidman can boast that wide of a variety of auteurs in such a short period?


One of the reasons Léaud was so popular with all of these directors was the fact that he was basically a blank canvas to be used in any way the director wanted. That’s not necessarily a slight against him; actually, it’s one of the things I find most fascinating about him as an actor. Armed with an array of mannerisms, both vocal (a tendency to shout at the camera like an impassioned politician) and physical (you could really make a drinking game out of the number of times he runs his fingers through his hair in any given movie), that would limit most actors, Léaud was able to use them to his advantage. I still marvel at the way the same boy who appeared so down-trodden and hopeless in The 400 Blows grew up to become both the happy-go-lucky youth in Stolen Kisses and the radical, blindingly head-strong Communist in La Chinoise.


The dichotomy between the Truffuat Léaud and the Godard Léaud is perhaps one of the most speculated about portions of his filmography. I once read somewhere that Léaud saw Truffaut as his father and Godard as his uncle and, judging by his appearances in each of their films, that analogy makes sense in more ways than one. Truffaut often cast him as an extension of himself, a hopeless romantic searching for the perfect love in an imperfect world, and you can almost see his role for Léaud as a way of “teaching” him life lessons that a father should. In Antoine et Colette, it is all about the pain of unrequited love and, although this one may hurt, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Bed and Board, the fourth installment of the Antoine Doinel series, seems to be showing him that relationships are never easy and comfortable grooves are never permanent. Godard, on the other hand, was the cool uncle showing Léaud things that his father wouldn’t find appropriate. Masculin féminin seems to be a fun, almost light springboard to the radical politics that invaded both their later collaborations and personal lives. Week End finds Léaud dressed up in Napoleonic garb reciting endless political nonsense in a field where no one can hear him, something Truffaut, no doubt, would have found too preposterous for him to do in one of his films.


What is remarkable about Léaud and his career is that even after fifty years in the business, we know relatively nothing about his personal life. There are no major biographies on him and even minor glimpses into his life have been prevented from going public (all of his correspondence with Truffaut was noticeably absent in a publication from a few years ago). This makes him all the more fascinating because the only way we can glean anything from him is through his performances. As a director’s lump of clay, however, to mold into whatever he needs for the film, we do not really get a sense of who Léaud is on screen either. Therefore, Jean-Pierre Léaud is one of the few movie stars who is completely impenetrable. Some may find this lack of connection off-putting, but I find this rarity to be something that deserves praise and contemplation. And in the age of digital media, will we ever find a star as completely guarded as Jean-Pierre Léaud again?