Thursday, December 20, 2012

Imaginary Boyfriends of 2012

Past Imaginary Boyfriends countdowns: 2011 2010 2009 2008

Justin Bieber
Somewhere between 2011 and 2012, The Biebz grew up and became the heir apparent to Justin Timberlake's throne as the King of Bringing SexyBack. His voice got deeper, his music grew up and his body...well, he's not the underage twink he was a mere twelve months ago.

Siwon Choi
While everyone was going nuts over Korean popstar PSY's crossover hit "Gangnam Style," the Korean who got my kimchee fermenting was actor/boyband member Siwon Choi. He's just pretty, isn't he?

Tom Daley
Somehow, even in the year that brought us Channing Tatum and company shaking their thong-covered asses in Magic Mike, Tom Daley managed to be the most gratuitously naked celebrity around. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. If I had a six-pack like that, I wouldn't wear a shirt either.

Nicki Minaj once rapped, obviously referring to Drake, "He just gotta give me that look, then the panties coming off, off." Put on his "Back That Thing Up"-sampling "Practice" in the background and not only will my panties be off, but I'll be on my back before you can say, "Mazel tov."

John Garfield
I've always known that John Garfield is sexy. I mean, I have eyes. But after a recent viewing spree of his movies--including the glorious boxing drama Body and Soul--it really hit home just how damn attractive he was. There's something about a guy who hates everyone and will probably openly sneer at you on your first meeting that speaks to me.

Jeremy Irvine
I sat through War Horse for this pretty, pretty man. And while that film wasn't as horrible as I imagined it would be, Jeremy was certainly reason enough to stick it through.

Logan Lerman
Let's just say that I wasn't mad when he briefly appeared in a gold bikini during one scene of Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Ryan Lochte
As Grace Adler said on an episode of Will & Grace about a gorgeous but not-so-bright date, "Not smart. Doesn't need to be."

Chris Messina
This tweet I wrote during an episode of The Mindy Project says it all:

One Direction
(Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson)
Last year, Zayn Malik, with his beautiful face and all-around dreaminess, made it on this list by himself. This year, the year in which One Direction took over both America and my life, I must include all of My Boys here. Unlike any other boyband, past or present, I love each of them so much and for such completely different reasons. To quote my screenplay: "I'm waiting for a man who has all the best features of the One Direction boys: Louis's wit, Harry's dimples, Niall's innocence, Liam's seriousness and Zayn's dreaminess. Sigh."

Evan Peters
After a few episodes, I realized that American Horror Story: Asylum wasn't for me. But when, in the first few minutes I was acquainted with him, Evan Peters appeared completely nude, I knew that he was definitely for me.

Cody Rhodes
My dream is still to be the Miss Elizabeth to his Randy Savage.

Tim Tebow
Everyone's favorite virgin (we're giving up on the idea that Nick Jonas is still one, right?) finally gave us a reason to care about football. Straight guys hate him because apparently he's not a very good player. I could care less because who gives a shit about talent when he has muscles like that?

Teen Wolf Boys
(Colton Haynes, Tyler Hoechlin, Dylan O'Brien, Tyler Posey & Daniel Sharman)
As much as the One Direction boys, there is something for everyone among the cast of MTV's best show since Daria. You want a cute puppy dog who is the ideal boyfriend to most teen girls? Tyler Posey is your man. How about a rude, sneering jerk who is actually quite vulnerable underneath his standoffish exterior? Colton Haynes fits that bill. A ripped guy who doesn't like to cuddle and just wants to fuck? Calling Tyler Hoechlin. An adorable, emotionally damaged boy? I've got Daniel Sharman for you. Or, what about a cute guy who just happens to have a sarcastic sense of humor and a quip for every moment? Well, Dylan O'Brien is mine, so you're on your own with that one.