Imaginary Boyfriends of 2010

Darren Criss

He managed to make Glee watchable for roughly five minutes with his renditions of 'Teenage Dream' and the originally dire 'Hey Soul Sister.' For that alone, he makes what the original Miracle Worker Anne Sullivan did look like child's play. And he was surprisingly sexy and sultry on 'Baby It's Cold Outside,' his duet with Chris Colfer; Lord knows I wouldn't have refused if he asked me to stay the night.

Ed Drewett

He's a hot Aryan ready and willing to save electropop from the clutches of evil doers who want to see it destroyed. You really can't ask for much more than that, can you?

Michael Fassbender

Literally one week into 2010, I witnessed what is perhaps the most indelible image of the year in Fish Tank: Michael Fassbender, shirtless and with pants barely covering his ass, first appears in the life of the film's protagonist. The rest of the film is pure Fassbender Porn as director Andrea Arnold subsequently makes both Katie Jarvis and the audience slowly fall in pure lust with the man. I thought he was particularly charming in last year's Inglourious Basterds, but 2010 was the year when I wanted Michael Fassbender to put me over his knee and spank me as he does to Katie Jarvis at one point in Fish Tank.

Tom Ford and his muse Nicholas Hoult

While Fish Tank was Fassbender Porn, Tom Ford's directorial debut A Single Man was Nicholas Hoult Porn. I didn't get to see it until early in this year but it was so worth the wait. Ford is clearly in love with Nicholas Hoult's face and spends a good amount of time filling the frame with his wonderful mug. And don't even get me started about That Scene! Nick and Tom clearly know what we all want and aren't afraid to give it to us. While Nick was showing the goods on-screen, Tom brings them every time he makes a public appearance. The man is approaching 50 and is as fuckable as ever. Together, this fabulous duo made 2010 that much sexier.

Andrew Garfield

"Oh Andy!" became a popular expression around my Twitter account in the weeks leading into the release of The Social Network and I haven't stopped using it since. There's simply so much to love about this adorable Brit--his talent, his good looks, his awkwardness, his goofiness--and 2010 offered a smorgasbord of Andy delights. The year started with Red Riding: 1974, a British crime drama which featured Andy as a hulking sex god who...I don't know, solves a crime or something? I honestly remember very little of the actual film besides him sexing Rebecca Hall and his glorious Louis Garrel-esque Sex Hair. Next came Never Let Me Go, which was good but felt like a little bit of a retread of his Boy A work. Finally, we have The Social Network, which is hopefully going to snag him an Oscar nomination come January. He does excellent work in the film, bouncing off Eisenberg's introverted asshole savant with his usual subtlety and nuance. Coming up next: the new Spider Man film which, for once, I'm actually excited about like your average fanboy. But I'm sure it's for far different reasons.

Tom Hardy

After Marion Cotillard, the one thing in Inception that left the most vivid impression on me was the hulking, but equally charismatic, Tom Hardy. He clearly wasn't taking the whole premise seriously and managed to inject some fun into the proceedings, mostly through the sexual tension between him and the uptight Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Towards the end of the year, the internet was flooded with on the set images of Hardy on his new film with Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine called This Means War where he and Pine play best friends who fight over Witherspoon. Any movie where those two go at it is one that is instantly going to the top of my Most Anticipated Movies list.

Francisco Lachowski

Francisco, or Chico as he is affectionately known around the interweb, is one of the most versatile male models on the planet. This Brazilian can do it all: goofy, sensual, sexy, dramatic, intense. And, often, he's able to portray two or three of those at the same time. Chico has a great gift and I hope he continues giving in the next year.

Joe McElderry

I've already gone on at length about why I love La Joe, as we cool kids on Twitter have come to call him, but I still need to mention him on this list. He sings, he dances, he wears leather jackets, he's not interested in Adam Lambert AND he makes me giggle when he falls down. La Joe is clearly a perfect man.

Simon Nessman

This curly-haired Canadian model seems like such a regular, down home guy, especially compared to sexy aloofness that Chico Lachowski and River Viiperi often project. Both types of models are necessary to the modeling world, but Nessman is quite obviously the best at what he does.

Xavier Samuel

I've been in love with Xavier for awhile, but 2010 was the year he made his American breakthrough in the latest installment of the Twilight series. He was so beautiful and so sexy in the film I both forgot about Taylor Lautner momentarily and briefly understood why so many people are turned on by vampires. When he was unceremoniously dragged away by a pack of werewolves to a certain death by the end of the film, I asked my friend in vain if he would be coming back in the next film. Trying to spare my feelings, she told me, "Um, yeah!" The next installment of Twilight will be sorely lacking without this Aussie hunk.

Alexander Skarsgard

The other hot vampire of 2010, Alexander Skarsgard caught my attention earlier this year with his striking good looks and his massive frame. I could only make it through the first season of True Blood, when Alex's hair was so unappealing I could barely muster any sexual interest, but this doesn't prevent me from thinking he's a hot piece of ass.

River Viiperi

This Spanish model made a big breakthrough in 2010 with a wide variety of editorials in a short period of time. His range is nearly as wide as Lachowski's, but he has a signature look in every one of them which sets him apart from nearly every other model in the game. He has clearly taken lessons from Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model, which is obviously not a bad way to hone your craft.

Run Away With Me

I downloaded Howl the other night, aka the movie where James Franco makes out with Broadway hottie/Gossip Girl hottie Aaron Tveit in cute glasses, and have been on a Tveit kick ever since. Since I haven't had time to actually watch the movie, I've been looking for some bits of Aaron to tide me over until then. First of all, I downloaded the Next to Normal soundtrack, the Broadway show that gave Aaron his big break. The show is so massive--the music takes up two discs on its own--that I only got through half of it the other night, but I like it so far and Aaron's voice makes my heart melt. So when I stumbled upon a video of Aaron singing a song called 'Run Away With Me,' it was almost like he was doing everything he could to get me to fall in love with him. Honestly, he can take advantage of me anyway he likes and I wouldn't complain, but it's still nice to be wooed every now and again. Anyways, I listened to Aaron sing this 'Run Away With Me' and, gah, it was so bloody perfect. The song is about this guy asking a girl to basically stop everything and run off with him to some unknown future. Excuse me, is this even a question? If Aaron Tveit asks you to run away with him, you just go, no questions asked. He's beautiful, sings like an angel and did I mention that he is gorgeous? Watch this clip and judge for yourself, but I'm 99.5% sure you will be swooning by the end.



While trying to stop drooling over that performance, I noticed that Youtube recommended another version of 'Run Away With Me' sung by actor Michael Arden. Even less well-known than Aaron, I mainly know Michael for two reasons: he was the one bearable thing about the miserable romantic comedy Bride Wars as Kate Hudson's gay assistant and as the boyfriend of Sebastian Stan's Prince Jack, he got to smooch him on the unfairly canceled Kings a couple years ago. I listened to his rendition and, I'll be damned, but it was quite amazing in it's own unique way. Michael can't compete with Aaron in the looks department, but he sure as hell matches him when it comes to emoting. Have a look for yourself:



Sigh. Now we have some major questions that need answering: Who on Earth do I run away with now? Am I allowed to pick both of them? And, most importantly, who would you run away with if given the chance?

This Is What I Hear Everytime Lady GaGa Opens Her Mouth Nowadays

Britney's Videography: 'I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman'

Britney Spears 'I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman' # # # # #

Confession time: I've never seen the film Crossroads, Britney's acting debut and the inspiration for this second single from the Britney album. This appears to be sacrilegious for a Britney fan like myself, yet I have no real explanation for why it has never happened. I didn't go to the movies that often back then--if it had come out in 2007, I would have been at the midnight screening--and I'm guessing that by the time it came out on VHS (this was before DVDs!), I had already entered my dark years where Britney didn't matter anymore. Another possible explanation was that even to my untrained, nearly 14 year old eye, Crossroads looked like a shitty movie. Yes, I loved Britney but, my God, who could get excited over that movie? And when the song used to promote the movie is this soppy ballad, my interest has gone down considerably. Don't get me wrong; I'm sure I loved this song when it came out, just as I had all of Brit's previous singles. But it was obviously a quick fade, as Brit's moping about her journey into womanhood is one of her few singles that I rarely think about these days. It's not as if the video offers a reason to remember 'I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.' I seriously thought there were at least clips of Crossroads intertwined with the images of Britney, not a girl, not a woman, staring across the horizon, figuring out what lies ahead of her in the future but, alas, nothing. Not even an image of Britney approaching a fork in the road, debating which path to take. Come on, people! With a song as clichéd as 'I'm Not a Girl,' you need to throw in every music video cliché in the book. Instead, Britney stands on the edge of a canyon, wearing an outfit that is decidedly more woman than girl, and walks around the inside of a canyon that looks eerily similar to the canyon James Franco is climbing in the trailer for 127 Hours. Hm, maybe Britney cutting off her own arm would have made this video watchable and would have gotten me to a theatre to see Britney do her thing on-screen.



Previous installments: ...Baby One More Time | Sometimes | (You Drive Me) Crazy (The Stop Remix!) | From the Bottom of My Broken Heart | Born To Make You Happy | Oops!...I Did It Again | Lucky | Stronger | Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know | I'm a Slave 4 U

Top 10 Worst Songs of 2010

The time has come to start honoring the highlights of 2010. Let's begin by getting the worst songs of 2010 out of the way. Last year, I complained ad nauseum about the unholy horrors unleashed upon us known as 'Boom Boom Pow,' 'The Climb' and 'Fireflies,' but I feel like 2010 offered up even worse dreck that I was forced to hear repeatedly on the radio every goddamn day like clockwork. Please, let's get this shit over with so I can put these songs behind me and hope that 2011 offers less horrific music.

Dishonorable Mentions: Eminem teamed up with Rihanna on a song about an abusive relationship--something they both know a little bit about--and dragged her down to his level of shitty musicianship. If you think 'Love the Way You Lie' gets to the heart of abusive relationships, you seriously need to listen to Rated R a few more times...Usher's 'OMG' was yet another will.i.am creation that sounded like it took thirty seconds to put together. Why do we keep acting like Usher is the great artist when he keeps releasing lazy garbage like this?

10. Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg 'California Gurls'
There's no denying that 'California Gurls' is catchy as hell--I know I found myself singing it more than once while at work this summer--but the song is as plastic as a lot of people accuse pop music of being. 'California Gurls' is a lazy, soulless piece of music designed solely to be the Summer Anthem of 2010. Katy & company succeeded in that respect but completely failed in nearly every other area.

09. Mike Posner 'Cooler Than Me'
A whiny, mopey loser writes a song whining about all the people in high school who "probably" think they were cooler than him. Grow up and get a real problem, Mike.

08. B.o.B. featuring Bruno Mars 'Nothin' On You'
The first entry for both B.o.B. and Bruno, who both memorably contributed to this year's parade of shitty music. 'Nothin' On You' would probably be an okay song if you heard it once while drunk at the bar, but after hearing it over and over and over and over again, sober, it's clearly just a shitty song. B.o.B. is clearly the least interesting rapper in "the game."

07. Olly Murs 'Thinking of Me'
Just think: Olly has managed to get two equally shitty songs in the UK Top 5 while Joe McElderry, the winner of his season of X-Factor and an all-around more interesting entertainer, can't catch a fucking break. If you have no idea who Olly Murs is, first of all, thank your lucky stars. Secondly, think John Mayer but with even less personality and absolutely no musicianship. Add in the most trite lyrics ever committed to music by a "dude with a guitar" and you have 'Thinking of Me.'

06. B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams 'Airplanes'
Every time I see an airplane in the night sky, I pretend it's a shooting star and wish that B.o.B. and this disgustingly stupidly obvious song would go back into the hole they crawled out of and die. This song is only deep if the most complicated movie you've ever seen in your life is The Dark Knight.

05. Various Celebrities Trying to Cash In on the Haiti Tragedy 'We Are the World 25 for Haiti'/'Everybody Hurts'
Haven't the Haitians suffered enough? I think they would rather endure another earthquake than be forced to have to listen to either of these turds again.

04. Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars 'Billionaire'
Just like 'Airplanes,' this is another song "about" "something" that is just as superficial as something like 'California Gurls.' So, if Travie McCoy was a billionaire, he'd help needy people who have a shitty life. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL AND CLEVER. Why fucking waste my time with this song when you're just going to make up shit. Come on, we all know what Bruno Mars would spend a billion dollars on and it's not kids...

03. Kiely Williams 'Spectacular'
Williams, of Disney's Cheetah Girls fame, tries to shed her good girl image in the worst way imaginable. I definitely do not have a problem with women singing about one night stands and embracing their sexuality. If you're going to do it, however, please be either clever about it (Miley's 'Can't Be Tamed') or just go balls out (Lil' Kim's 'How Many Licks?'); 'Spectacular' falls in neither of these categories. Kiely comes off as nothing but a trashy, disgusting ho, especially when she fucking brags about forgetting to wear a condom. I hate to sound like an uptight soccer mom, but that's just irresponsible.

02. Black Eyed Peas 'The Time (Dirty Bit)'
The Black Eyed Peas used to make music. 'Don't Lie,' 'Hey Mama' and 'My Humps' were jams back in the day. But somewhere after they took a break while Fergie went and did her solo thing (and remember how delightful that all was!), the Black Eyed Peas decided to completely sell out and just speak random words over the most horrible sounding beats imaginable. That was how 'Boom Boom Pow' came into existence. But now the Peas have reached an all time low in terms of laziness: now they're just ripping off 80's classics instead of writing their own hooks. 'The Time' shits all over the Dirty Dancing classic 'I've Had the Time of My Life' and then surrounds it with the most nonsensical, obnoxious, unmusical heap of garbage that's supposed to pass for a tune that I've heard in ages. I didn't think the Black Eyed Peas could surpass 'Boom Boom Pow' in terms of tuneless, aimless drivel, but 'The Time,' if nothing else, proves that anything is still possible when it comes to this hacky group.

01. Yolanda Be Cool vs. DCUP 'We No Speak Americano'
When I saw a couple months ago that this song, a recent #1 hit in the UK, was threatening to make a presence on the US charts, I freaked the fuck out. I can kinda, sorta understand someone buying the Black Eyed Peas since people will always buy easily accessible and ungodly awful music by big artists, but who the fuck ever thought that buying this song was a good idea? This song is so pointless and just plain ugly, it makes it look like 'The Time' was written with the purpose of making good music. Thankfully, America was spared from this song, but my ears are still recovering from this atrocity.

The Bitch is Gone

Today's announcement that Zac Efron and his longtime girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens had called it quits was like an early Christmas present. No, wait, it was actually more like a hug from Baby Jesus. Actually, it was like a hug from Our Lord and Savior Oprah after appearing on her Favorite Things episode and winning a trip around the world on a plane piloted by Betty White and Mariah Carey. He's finally free of that soul-sucking harpy, y'all! Let's take a moment to let it sink in.

...

Feels good, doesn't it? Now he can go out and do what boys his age should be doing: going out to the bar, getting drunk and scoring some hot pieces of ass. We hear that Joe McElderry is ready and willing. Your move, Efron.

Why Couldn't They Just Fucking Talk About Marlon Brando?!

I just pissed my pants. And maybe jizzed a little.

Hammer My Hoover

Poor Armie Hammer. The man has the body of a Greek god and was poised to be the breakout heartthrob from this year's The Social Network. Unfortunately, he had the bad luck to be cast alongside the one, the only Andy Garfield (aka The Sexhair) and, honestly, who could remember anything about Armie (both of him!) after sighing "Oh Andy!" for the millionth time? I know I couldn't. And it's not as if the boy doesn't deserve at least some of the adulation Andy received; he's an incredibly good looking dude. He was just really, really unlucky.

Until now, that is. Rumor is, Armie has gotten himself cast in the upcoming J. Edgar Hoover biopic, once known as Hoover but now going by the title J. Edgar (I guess they didn't want people to confuse it with the vacuum). This is big news for Mr. Hammer, as the film is set to be directed by Academy Award-winner Clint Eastwood, written by Academy Award-winner Dustin Lance Black and starring Academy Award-nominee Leonardo DiCaprio. Not exactly Grown Ups, is it? When I first heard about this project, I was not exactly foaming at the mouth for it. Not only is Eastwood not usually my cup of tea, the film also focuses on the alleged homosexual relationship between DiCaprio's Hoover and his second-in-command Clyde Tolson. The original rumor circulating was that Joaquin Phoenix was all set to play Tolson and I was all set to vomit in my mouth. Listen, DiCaprio and Phoenix are fine actors in the right situations, and are even kinda sexy in a certain mood, but I definitely don't need to see those two frumpy dudes making out. Not that I have any faith that Eastwood is going to focus any more than the bare minimum on their sexual relationship, mind you. Call me shallow, but I like my men making out with each other to be attractive. Is that too much to ask? I should hope not. By adding Armie into the mix, it makes the hotness of this couple increase tenfold. It's the price you must pay to get on the A-List, darling.

I've Got Loads More to Say About The Trial...

...but for now shirtless Anthony Perkins will have to do. Not that shirtless Anthony Perkins should be considered settling by anyone. Just look at those shoulders! The dude has some Power Bitch shoulders that Mildred Pierce would be jealous of.

Britney's Videography: 'I'm a Slave 4 U'

Britney Spears 'I'm a Slave 4 U' # # # # #

New album, new Britney. If there's one thing I've noticed while reevaluating Britney's videos these past months, it's that she was the master at minor reinvention. Madonna has always been cited as a major influence on Britney's career, and it's easy to see how both of their careers parallel each others. Whereas Madonna gets (much deserved) credit for drastically molding herself into something new with each album, Britney hasn't received any credit for how she has changed her image album to album, video to video. The Britney you see in '...Baby One More Time,' is not the Britney you see in 'I'm a Slave 4 U,' the first single from her third album. In this video, Britney has all but abandoned the innocent, schoolgirl charm of just a few years ago. She's not yet a woman, but she's clearly graduated from parochial school. The idea behind the 'I'm a Slave 4 U' video--Britney, in an unnamed exotic, extremely humid city, parties with a group of friends who plan on beating the heat by bumping and grinding and having an orgy--is far better than the execution. Not that the video reaches 'Born to Make You Happy' levels of awfulness, mind you, but you know a lot more naughtiness could have come about from Britney romping around with shirtless boys, panting in time to the beat. Britney, though, tries her best to make the video work, and any positives can be solely attributed to her. She's sultry, slinking around the maze of a hallway or leaning against a mirror, checking out her hot reflection. Britney looks great as well, making perspiration sexy and not like someone has dumped a bucket of stinky water all over her body, as perspiration tends to do to us mere mortals. She can't save the video, however, and with such a middling video, it makes you wonder why no one thought to bring in the infamous yellow boa constrictor.



Previous installments: ...Baby One More Time | Sometimes | (You Drive Me) Crazy (The Stop Remix!) | From the Bottom of My Broken Heart | Born To Make You Happy | Oops!...I Did It Again | Lucky | Stronger | Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know

Theology- Henry Style

Who knew that House could produce such an in-depth, theological discussion between my family? The latest episode concerned a man who, grateful for a miraculous cure to his daughter's brain cancer, every year, crucified himself on a goddamn cross as a way of showing his appreciation. The man's devotion to God blinded him to reality, and it was this devotion that got my mom and brother started. This may not be word-for-word what was said, but I swear on a stack of O magazines that this happened:

Mom: "If God created the world in seven days [It was at this point that I started laughing uncontrollably], then why didn't he just write The Bible himself instead of spreading the world through other people? He could have just invented paper, wrote it out, and people wouldn't have misinterpreted everything."

Brother: "I have my own theory about The Bible. Who was Jesus' mother?"

Dad: "Mary."

Brother: "Who was Jesus' dad?"

Dad: "God."

Brother: "And how did he get a virgin pregnant?"

Dad: "The Immaculate Conception."

Brother: "Nope. I think that Jesus was some kind of alien. Think about it. He had to come from some planet where all the things Jesus did that were so magical, like walking on water, are normal. Yeah, chew on that one."

[I am nearly in tears from laughing so hard, my father is shaking his head as he normally does after everything my brother says, my mother is still trying to get everyone to agree with her view and my brother's girlfriend is probably wondering what the hell kind of family she's gotten involved with.]