Vanessa Hudgens is Stealing All the Men

First she dated Zac for what felt like ten million years. Then she started "hanging out" with her new co-star Josh Hutcherson. Now she was spotted backstage with former co-star Aaron Tveit after a performance of his show Catch Me If You Can. Enough is enough. We need to keep this unfortunate harpy away from all the hot men. Who's next, Vanessa? Are you gonna pull a Victoria Justice and pretend you are dating Nicky Hoult? I hear Michael Fassbender is into younger women. But, oh no, what's to stop her from only preying on the straight guys? She may be concocting a rumor as we speak that she has turned poor ole Joe McElderry straight. His singles flopped harder than Floptina's and he got dropped by his record label; hasn't he suffered enough?! Drastic measures need to be taken to stop this madwoman from ruining these men. Mothers, lock up your hot sons--no need to worry about the ugly ones--and protect them from this horrible, horrible succubus known as Vanessa Hudgens. If ever we needed Obama to unite this country on one issue, this is it. Yes we can stop Vanessa. Yes we can.

The Bitch is Gone

Today's announcement that Zac Efron and his longtime girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens had called it quits was like an early Christmas present. No, wait, it was actually more like a hug from Baby Jesus. Actually, it was like a hug from Our Lord and Savior Oprah after appearing on her Favorite Things episode and winning a trip around the world on a plane piloted by Betty White and Mariah Carey. He's finally free of that soul-sucking harpy, y'all! Let's take a moment to let it sink in.

...

Feels good, doesn't it? Now he can go out and do what boys his age should be doing: going out to the bar, getting drunk and scoring some hot pieces of ass. We hear that Joe McElderry is ready and willing. Your move, Efron.

Zac's Beard

Every time I see a new headline about Zac's beard, I get confused. WHICH ONE ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

(By the way, am I the only one kinda digging his facial hair? I think it works even better with those sunglasses. Mmmmm, sexy scruff.)

The Best Mad Lib Ever

From the tween magazine I bought the other day:

Zac Dumps Vanessa for You!

Zac realizes you're the only girl for him in this silly story!

You're kickin' it at your house with the girls when you hear a blank (a funny sound) at the door. It's Zac Efron with a gift: It's a blank (an animal) to show you how much he cares! "This pet is as blank (an adjective) as you!" he explains. "I dumped Vanessa! She wears her blank (an ugly color) blank (an accessory) too much." You blank (a verb) for joy, and he blank (a cleaning action) you off your blank (a body part)! He asks you on a date to blank (a fictional location) where he buys you a(n) blank (a piece of furniture), and the two of you live happily for blank (a number) years.

And here is my answer (I must admit I was a little intoxicated when I came up with this).

You're kickin' it at your house with the girls when you hear a murp (a funny sound) at the door. It's Zac Efron with a gift: It's a zebra (an animal) to show you how much he cares! "This pet is as bitchin' (an adjective) as you!" he explains. "I dumped Vanessa! She wears her puke green (an ugly color) diamond ring (an accessory) too much." You fuck (a verb) for joy, and he mops (a cleaning action) you off your nose (a body part)! He asks you on a date to Narnia (a fictional location) where he buys you a(n) ottoman (a piece of furniture), and the two of you live happily for three (a number) years.

CHAD WHITE IS BACK, CHAD WHITE IS BACK

Why is it that whenever I start to fall in love with some random celebrity, they go into hiding for months afterwards and deprive me of new material for much longer than I can possibly stand? The most notable example is my Jakey who, after making me fall in love with him in Brokeback, deprived me of his beautiful self through all of 2006 and only twice since then! The injustice! The latest entry in this hall of shame is model Chad White, whom you may remember came to my attention last March. Well, like (more) proof that God really doesn't like me much, Chad hadn't done much since then. And by "much," I really mean nothing. Notta. No photo spreads. No ad campaigns. Hell, I didn't even see any pictures from runway shows. Needless to say, I was more than a bit upset. So, when I found out that after five months of waiting Chad had a new spread, I was a little more than excited. The fact that it is titled 'Sex is Not the Enemy' and features him close to naked in every single shot (barring the Night Porter-inspired shot on the left which, oddly, is my favorite from the whole set) was just the icing on the cake. I would post every Chad White shot here, but some feature him in a jock strap (and sometimes less than that) and I need to keep some kind of decorum here.

Haha, I know, right? I could barely type that with a straight face. In all honesty, I just don't want some uptight asshole who found my blog looking for Vanessa Hudgens to stumble across them and then flag me for objectionable content. I know my peeps who read this blog wouldn't do that but you never know what weird sickos who object to naked Chad White are running around on the interweb. Click here for the full set which also features popular male model Kerry Degman (whose inexplicable popularity escapes me, but that's really for another post on another day).

The Worst Films and Performances of 2008

With the Oscars less than ten minutes away, I thought it was appropriate to honor the worst of the year before we spend all night talking about the best. Of the 86 films I've seen so far in 2008, here are the stinkiest films and performances.

The 10 Worst Films:

10. Tell No One (Guillaume Canet)
This so-called "Hitchcockian" thriller has none of the humor, interesting plot twists or thrilling, ambiguous villains that comprised some of Hitch's best work. Instead, all we get are some dumb clichés, an annoying lead and a 10 minute explanation of the whole film that is entirely false.
9. Frost/Nixon (Ron Howard)
What a complete waste of time. Ron, just because you have a good play and actors who have done these roles 100 times before doesn't mean you can just sit back and let the cameras roll for two hours.
8. 21 (Robert Luketic)
I knew the exact trajectory of the main character (played her by Jim Sturgess) from the first five minutes. The rest of the film didn't make me want to stick around.
7. Changeling (Clint Eastwood)
On the plus side, Changeling gives you more for your dollar (always a good thing during this recession) since there are six separate stories packed into one film. On the negative side, none of them are any good.
6. Mamma Mia! (Phyllida Lloyd)
I believe I've already said enough on this movie in the above review, so I'll leave you with a thought from my friend Christi, "ABBA should sue them for ruining their songs." She is so right.
5. Untraceable (Gregory Hoblit)
Diane Lane, you deserve much better than this lame "thriller" that was nothing more than a complete waste of time. I seriously can't remember a thing about this movie besides Lane and Joseph Cross.
4. Jumper (Doug Liman)
Jamie Bell and Rachel Bilson, you both deserve much better than this lame "action" movie and playing second fiddle to the incomparably bad Hayden Christensen.
3. Camp Rock (Matthew Diamond)
I honestly wasn't expecting much from Disney's latest made-for-TV movie, but this was so bad it made High School Musical look like Chicago. As I mentioned in the review, Vanessa Hudgens could have showed up and I would have been grateful for it.
2. Prom Night (Nelson McCormick)
One of the funniest movies of the year. Too bad it was supposed to be a horror movie.
1. The Wackness (Jonathan Levine)
I've racked my brain for awhile and I honestly can not think of one even slightly redeeming factor in this movie. Of the other movies I gave an F to, Camp Rock at least had those slightly amusing bickering scenes between Nick and Kevin and Prom Night had Brittany Snow and a couple of good laughs, but The Wackness has absolutely nothing. The overly quirky and "street" dialogue assaulted my ears like the Blitzkrieg, Ben Kingsley's overacting made me want to die everytime he tried to be hip and funny and the film's depiction of a teenager's sexual awakening was both overly pretentious and boorish.

The Worst Performances:

Worst Actor
Hayden Christensen, Jumper
---How do you make me hate you from the opening monologue?
Joe Jonas, Camp Rock
---You would think that as soon as they filmed that first scene in the limosine, where Joe can't even put the right emphasis on any of the lines, that the producers would have realized they picked the wrong Jonas Brother to star in this film.
Robert Pattinson, Twilight
---I will give him the benefit of the doubt on some of the dialogue because he was given some truly awful, but some of those facial expressions (especially during the scene where he first meets Bella in the science classroom) were hilarious when they should have been serious and/or scary.

The Loser:
Hayden Christensen

Worst Actress
Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical 3: Senior Year
---You would think that after three films with the same character, she would finally learn how to not embarrass herself; you thought wrong. This is just as atrocious as anything in the first two films.
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
---An Oscar nomination for this phoned-in performance?! That is, if you call repeating the same three lines (all containing the phrase "MY son" in them) over and over again and smashing a plate against the wall.
Meryl Streep, Mamma Mia!
---The worst performance I've ever seen from the great Meryl. I've never seen her overact that much.

The Loser:
Meryl Streep

Worst Supporting Actor
Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
---Normally, when you cast a musical, you cast someone who can sing. Apparently someone missed this memo.
Colin Firth, Then She Found Me
---Not necessarily bad, but he's in a completely different film from Helen, Bette and Matthew.
Ben Kingsley, The Wackness
---This guy has an Oscar? What the hell?
Diego Luna, Milk
---He stands out among the cast. Unfortunately, it's not in a good way.
T.J. Miller, Cloverfield
---Shut the fuck up already and get eaten by that monster.

The Loser:
Ben Kingsley

Worst Supporting Actress
Malin Akerman, 27 Dresses
---Akerman was given a prime role (bitchy, whiny younger sister) in this slightly above average rom com and she completely ruins it. Over the top and just plain annoying.
Monique Coleman, High School Musical 3: Senior Year
---I never noticed before HSM3, but Coleman is quite an awful actress, isn't she? She only has a couple of lines and yet she completely butchers all of them.
Meghan Jette Martin, Camp Rock
---Also given a prime role (the "Regina George" of Camp Rock) and completely ruins. Makes all the wrong choices comedically and her "crying" scene is atrocious.
Thandie Newton, W.
---It's so out there and different from the rest of the ensemble that I'm not sure if it's the worst performance I've ever seen or a whole new way of acting being born.
Dame Julie Walters, Mamma Mia!
---Oh my God, the Wicked Witch of the West has come back to life! Run for your life! Argh, that cackle will haunt my dreams forever!

The Loser:
Dame Julie Walters

Rants on High School Musical 3: Senior Year and American Teen

Good God, when did I become one of those critics? You know the kind...those who admit right in the open the many faults with a particular movie, which may include weak acting, a horrid script, bad direction or any other numerous problems, but still proclaim, "Well, golly gee, I can forgive all that shittiness because it was so much fun!" and then give it 3.5 stars out of 4. I made fun of them when they came out in droves to support Mamma Mia! and Meryl Streep's hammy-as-hell performance because it was "so much fun!" After High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Kenny Ortega, 2008), however, I just have to forget my critical duties for a few minutes and wildly announce to the world how much I love this film, flaws and all.

Let me get the problems out of the way: the plot, even by the anorexic standards of the first two, is thin. It's so thin, it's practically a poor, African child with starvation bloat. The only hint of conflict comes from Troy deciding whether or not he wants to do basketball at U of A with Chad or head off to Julliard on a music scholarship, and that's mostly an internal one (HSM3 actually makes Yankee Doodle Dandy, that beloved classic of non-conflict, look like a soap opera). Any musical number involving Troy and Gabriella singing to each other became an instant bore. Some of the lines were so incredibly gooey, so incredibly groan-worthy that I was afraid that my eyes would never return to their regular position after the amount time I spent rolling my eyes toward the end.

These are problems, however, that we've come to expect from the HSM movies and only add to its charm (or, if you're like me, its "so-bad-it's-good" factor). If nothing else, High School Musical 3: Senior Year improves upon many of the problems that plagued HSM2. Gone are the shoddy, tin-can vocals that absolutely ruined most of the songs because it was blatantly obvious that they were all fixed in a studio and the ridiculous, "let's gang up on Troy" plot contrivances that absolutely made no sense (I'll never get over that stupid "I don't care about my future, all I care about is what my friends think" line that fucking drove me crazy).

Most importantly, the music numbers actually seem well thought out and intricate instead of the boring, we-have-five-minutes-to-make-this-work steps that we saw in the first two. In fact, they're the best thing about HSM3 and one reason that I want to see this movie again right now (I think we all know the other two reasons). "Now or Never" seems to be, on first glance, just another retread of those other sports numbers like "Get'cha Head in the Game" and "I Don't Dance," but it's surprisingly well done, exciting even when it shouldn't be. The one part I mercilessly made fun of when I first saw the trailer--Gabriella shouting "TROYYYYYY!" in the middle of the big game--actually works a lot better than I ever thought possible. It is a surprisingly touching moment and, for once, I almost bought the romance between Troy and Gabriella (even if Vanessa Hudgens still can't act or sing worth a damn). "Scream," Troy's obligatory angst solo, starts off just as hilariously stupid as "Bet On It! (Bet On It!)" (I was half expecting him to see his reflection in one of those basketballs) but it grows on you and sucks you in like a black hole until you're entranced with every angsty movement Zac Efron delivers. It's a wild couple of minutes with Efron almost as ferocious and unrelenting as some of Marion Cotillard's most riveting on-stage moments in La Vie en Rose.

The best scene in the film, by a long shot, is the Sharpay and Ryan duet "I Want It All." The song is the best in the film and the accompanying musical number hits all the highs you would expect. The scope is enormous--a far cry from the ladder in "Bop to the Top"--and both Ashley Tisdale and Lucas Gabreel are both game to achieve director and choreographer Kenny Ortega's mad vision. I want to describe for you just how amazing this number is in glorious detail but the only way my jumbled brain can comprehend it is through adjectives like AMAZING, MAJOR, EPIC, FABULOUS, ORGASMIC. You need to see it to even comprehend its amazingness. Besides, what do you say about a musical number that incorporates Troy as a rabid, psychotic fan of Sharpay and Gabriella as Sharpay and Ryan's maid which provides the only time that Vanessa Hudgens has ever been of interest as an actor to me?

The acting was generally decent this time around--even Alyson Reed as Ms. Darbus had a couple of good moments--but the film belonged to two people: Zac Efron and Ashley Tisdale, natch. Efron, who showed early signs of amazingness in Hairspray, now completely owns every musical number (and most scenes) he is in. The aforementioned "Scream" number works so well because of his passion and comittment to the dance. There's a moment during the treehouse scene when, whether inadvertently or not, Zac stares directly into the camera for a few moments and, somehow, it turns out to be one of the most beautiful moments of the film. There's no doubt in my mind that the camera loves him much in the same way it loved Garbo, Dietrich and Monroe and only enhances his raw talent into something more.

I could go on for days about how much I loved La Tisdale here. She proves, without a doubt, that she is infinitely worthy of that Oscar nomination that I keep pushing for her. It's hard for me to root for a film that seems so insistent on pushing its most interesting character out of the limelight, but La Tisdale's effective performance makes me forget about that because she sparkles the entire film--from her divalicious entrance to her final curtain call--even when HSM3 keeps pushing for Troy and Gabriella to be the main focus. Relegated to the background, La Tisdale does her best work, rolling her eyes like she's been taking lessons from Michelle Pfeiffer and turning such minor quips as "Genius" when Ms. Darbus announces the name of the spring musical or her sarcastic "Yipee!" when the Wildcats decide to join the musical into perfect bon mots worthy of Margo Channing. It becomes especially apparent that she is a comedienne to be reckoned with whenever she shares a scene with her lowly assistant Tiara. The film tries to pass these two off as equals in some respects, but La Tisdale lets everyone know where its at; there's no way this newcomer bitch will ever be a match for her. Even when Tiara pulls an Eve Harrington and we think that Sharpay has finally been defeated definitively, she rises from the ashes like a phoenix to take her rightful place back. It's during that moment that we realize that La Tisdale's Sharpay is sort of like Scarlett O'Hara in that nothing will ever keep her down and we want to see her succeed, no matter how wicked her ways are. It's due to La Tisdale's epic performance that Sharpay stands out as more than just an annoying bitch stereotype and always comes out looking like the high priestess of the theatre that we've all seen in real life but that we can still, against all odds, still root for in the end.

Is High School Musical 3: Senior Year perfect? No, but that hardly matters when most of the film is such a glorious treat. Will the film leave me on such a big high when I see it again? Probably not, because then I'll probably notice many more flaws than on this go around. Who the hell cares, anyways? This is one great first impression. B

If High School Musical 3: Senior Year represent some kind of imaginary high school universe in which cliques don't exist and an obviously gay theatre kid who isn't ignored by the basketball team and the other jocks but is actually embraced by them for his talent, then American Teen (Nanette Burstein, 2008) is the anti-HSM, showing what high school is actually like (well, at least in my experience). Burstein shows us the cliques, which are obviously a part of any high school, but doesn't exploit them like in The Breakfast Club or countless other high school films. The jock, Colin, and the rest of the team doesn't beat up on poor marching band loner, Jake; they're under way too much pressure to get a scholarship and win the championship to put kids in lockers.

My favorite part of American Teen was the relationship between quirky Hannah and jock cutie Mitch. Unlike the relationship between Troy and Gabriella, Mitch and Hannah felt real and genuine- a couple I feel like I could know. Their wicked banter and electric chemistry on their first date excited me at all of the possibilities their relationship had. They obviously had fun together but, most importantly, I felt like they could learn so much from each other. There's this great scene where, on the bus to a basketball game, Mitch tells his teammates that Hannah showed him Brokeback Mountain the other day and that he liked it. He seems so proud of himself that he's done something out of his comfort zone but then his teammates take the usual potshots at him for liking that movie and Mitch is not so sure anymore. It's a shame that peer pressure is the reason for their inevitable split and it makes their heartbreaking ending all the more upsetting. But that's high school I guess; it's never easy or turns out the way we want to. Thank God American Teen is there to show us that and not just offer another easy, stereotypical answer. A-

The Unholy Three

This is either the most disturbing picture I've ever seen or the hottest, I can't decide. Just Jared has all the photos from the trio's spread in this month's Elle magazine so head on over there to check them all out. I think I may have to pick up a copy tomorrow. Here are a couple of my favorites:

2007 Diva Cup Awards: Worst Performances of 2007

In conjunction with my worst films of the year, here are the performances I found the most atrocious in 2007.

Worst Actor
Jermaine Clement, Eagle vs. Shark
Such a douche to everyone around him (and with no reason) that he ruins the entire movie.

Adam Sandler, Reign Over Me
In the confines of this quasi-serious 9/11 drama, Sandler reprises the Waterboy and somehow expects it to work. Big mistake.

John Travolta, Wild Hogs
Just before the the triumph of Hairspray, Travolta showed us yet again how schizophrenic of an actor he is. When he's bad, he's really bad.

and the loser is...

ADAM SANDLER!


Worst Actress
Drew Barrymore, Lucky You
So inoffensive and blah that it merely becomes an imitation of a cute and perky Drew Barrymore performance we've seen 100 times before.

Anne Hathaway, Becoming Jane
Not particularly bad, just a major disappointment after the triumphs of Brokeback Mountain and The Devil Wears Prada.

Vanessa Anne Hudgens, High School Musical 2
I know the intent of the film isn't to deliver high caliber performances, but couldn't have Hudgens at least tried. She can't sing, she can't dance and her acting is a joke. Watch the last few seconds of the film in slow motion (the part where her and Zac Efron are under the waterfall) and you'll see she actually shows more emotion in those two seconds then throughout the rest of the film.

and the loser is...

VANESSA ANNE HUDGENS!


Worst Supporting Actor
Tim Allen, Wild Hogs
Yuck.

Martin Lawrence, Wild Hogs
Don't even get me started...

Yigal Naor, Rendition
Plays the Muslim torturer exactly the way the average Westerner would expect.

and the loser is...

TIM ALLEN and MARTIN LAWRENCE!


Worst Supporting Actress
Tichina Arnold, Wild Hogs
A shrill and bitter performance that is so awful that you almost understand why Martin Lawrence just leaves. It's such a shame because Arnold is so good on Everybody Hates Chris.

T.V. Carpio, Across the Universe
It's really not Carpio's fault that Prudence the big old lezzie is so consequential to the plot of the film, but she could have made her a little more interesting or something.

Debra Messing, Lucky You
So good on Will & Grace, it's such a shame that Messing can't find the same luck in any other roles. She's so dry and emotionally dead here that it's pretty much an embarrassment.

and the loser is...

DEBRA MESSING!

Random Scribblings on High School Musical

I'm not going to say that I love High School Musical, because I don't...they really are piles of crap. But, I'm not going to deny that I spend way too much time thinking about them. For example, look at a couple of hours ago when one of my friends said, "You're crazy!" and I actually thought about the scene in HSM2 where Gabriella and Troy are at the pool and he jumps in, to which she replies, "You're crazy, Wildcat!"

I need help. Britney style.

The only reason I bring this up is because A) I'm super pumped for the upcoming HSM3, which is going to be released in theaters! My friend Jill and I (who also got sucked into the juggernaut) have already made plans to go see it together so we can relish the divaliciousness of La Tisdale's Sharpay, make fun of Vanessa Hudgens and the (most likely) horrible songs and dancing, hope that Ryan comes out of the closet and admire Zac Efron. B) I was looking through my notebook and I found some random notes I took during my initial viewing of the first HSM this summer. Like I said, they're really random and I'm not even sure what some of them are alluding to at certain points, but they're pretty fun and I hope you enjoy:

~Gabriella is a nerd. Troy is a jock. Crystal clear.
~V.A. Hudgens voice is so nasally.



~Now Zac Efron is going to jerk off to her picture on his phone.
~Omg, they go to the same school!
~Why does the black kid have a basketball in class?
~God that teacher [Mrs. Darbus] is a monster bitch.

~Don't want his friends to think he's gay [For trying out for the school musical. Because that's for pussies.]
~I'm guessing Sharpay is East High's Regina George.
~I seriously doubt Zac Efron is in the same league as Shaq.
~Troy: "Sharpay is cute." Black Kid [don't remember his name and not really integral to the plot]: "So is a mountain lion, but you don't pet it."- What?!
~Wow, "Get'cha Head in the Game" is very post-modern. [This was right after my History of Broadway class, so I was still thinking in terms like that. FYI, post-modern refers to musicals that have songs that are directly tied to the plot and are usually centered on characters thoughts. Sondheim is an example.]
~Troy is very confused. You can tell by his subtle look. [sarcasm]
~Troy had basketball practice in the middle of school?

~"The list is life": Sharpay and Ryan are way too obsessive about people looking at that damn list.
~Recurring motif: One-ness between two opposite groups (Drama/basketball, Gabriella/Troy) [This is just me being an asshole. Sorry.]
~What high school has an auto shop anymore? This isn't Grease.
~Darbus is harsh? Jesus, she's practically Paula.
~Wow, Sharpay is a scenery shredder [And how]
~Omg, secret love note locker [I really took on the personality of a 13 year old girl here. I've used "Omg" and "Wow" to start off sentences waaaaay too often]
~V.A. Hudgens can not act. At all.
~Who knew one high school musical could open such a shit storm of untapped emotions.
~Omg, secret plan! [There I go again]


~This is a lame secret plan.
~Wait, now it gets better.
~I guess.
~A pep rally with a musical number? That's amazing.
~Oh God, V.A. Hudgens has a solo [Why, God, why?]
~Sure they can sing (sort of) but can Gabriella and Troy act? That's also important in a musical.
~Shapray and Ryan would be much more believable (and less creepy) if they were gay guy/fag hag and not brother and sister.
~Why are Sharpay and Ryan speaking Spanish during "Bop to the Top"? It's not a Spanish song.
~Notice that Sharpay is in the front during the last song ("We're All in This Together") [God I love that woman]