Sunday, December 9, 2007

Random Top 10: Movies That Could Have "Used a Dench"

I spend a lot of time on Facebook, and one of my favorite things about it are the groups you can join. Before their limit became 200 last year, I had been in over 1200 of them. Well, when I downsized, one of the groups I made sure I kept was one called "Yeah...that could use a Dench." It's so genius, I wish I had thought of it. The description of the group is this:

Dench: 1) an extra added something 2) (to Dench) to add an extra something

To become an officer, you have to tell the creator a movie you despised which could have "used a Dench." So, here's my list of ten movies that were in desperate need of a Dench.

10. Field of Dreams
Dame Judi Dench and James Earl that's a winning combination. Also, how great would it be to see her tell Kevin Costner to grow a pair of balls after being a complete pussy the whole movie.

9. Step Up
Sure, Channing Tatum was pretty good, but the rest of the film was a disaster. Dame Judi could have saved it (or at least made it watchable) if she had made an appearance as either Channing's grandmother or a dance coach.

8. On Golden Pond
Lord knows I love Henry Fonda, Katharine Hepburn and Jane Fonda, but the story is a complete piece of shit. All Dame Judi could have done to save this film would to tell these fabulous actors not to do it.

7. Ben-Hur (1959)
That chariot race is an amazing piece of cinema, but the other 3 1/2 hours were a butt-numbing mess. Not only would Dame Judi have won the chariot race, but she would have upstaged Jesus' birth- and cut a couple of Romans along the way.

6. Gigli
Do I even need an explanation?

5. Crash (Cronenberg version)
This movie would have been ten times hotter (and ten times more interesting) if Dame Judi Dench had been there to get it on with James Spader- or even Holly Hunter.

4. L'Avventura
If Dame Judi had been on that search, the missing woman would have been found in five minutes flat....and this movie would have been 90 minutes shorter.

3. The Sound of Music
Dame Judi Dench would have been an amazing contrast to the saccharine sweet Dame Julie Andrews. Wouldn't you just love to see a stare-down between these two. Ooooh, I'm getting shivers already.

2. 2001: A Space Odyssey
If Dame Judi was on that ship, there's no way HAL would have went haywire...he would have been too scared.

1. The Hours
I've always hated this movie with a passion. Not only does it waste Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore and Meryl Streep, but everything is so restrained that what could have been passionate becomes dull and uninteresting. Dame Judi Dench would have spiced things up in the Nicole Kidman storyline by slapping some sense into her and telling her to stop being so goddamn boring.