The Top 10 Films of 2011

When you're a film critic, you try to be as objective as possible when reviewing movies. But sometimes circumstances prevent you from being 100% objective. Maybe you're cranky and irate from work, or maybe you're tired and in no mood for the latest existential masterpiece from a third-world auteur. While looking over the films of last year, it was immediately clear that the ones I responded to the most where the ones that reflected my life in 2011. Nothing that happened to me during those 12 months was especially profound nor was it anything that millions of post-graduates trying to find themselves in the land of adults after four years of playing house weren't going through as well. That is, however, where my mind was at for most of the year, and it's definitely reflected in the upcoming list: in at least half of my top 10--debatably even more--you'll find characters stuck in a rut, blindly repeating the same, terrible life choices, hoping that something, anything will change and they will finally be happy again. Reading that sentence over as I write it, maybe I wasn't objective enough with this list. But, even so, I can safely admit that watching these movies helped me. Yes, my life is still messy. No, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. For a couple hours at a time, though, these movies, in their own peculiar ways, showed me that everything will eventually work itself out and I'll be okay. In short: objectivity, be damned! Now, on with the top 10 films of 2011:

10. Warrior

The rare film where I came for the beefcake but stayed for practically everything else, Warrior surprised me in multiple ways. I was surprised by Warrior's ability to ring every drop of pathos and melodrama out of the most tired clichés imaginable. I was surprised that my interest was not only sustained throughout its excessive 140 minute runtime, but after pausing it in the middle to grab a drink with friends, I cut out early so I could come back home and finish the movie. Yes, I know that last sentence is hard to believe but you heard me correctly: I declined more alcohol for Warrior. Most people will scoff at this choice, and under different circumstances I couldn't exactly blame them. But Warrior deserves massive recognition for turning what could have been extreme crap in less capable hands into the best familial melodrama of the year.

09. Scream 4

"Don't fuck with the original," Sidney, the ever-battered heroine of Wes Craven's Scream series, spouts at this installment's crazed killer. It's a lesson Hollywood has problems with, especially when it comes to horror franchises. One successful film and immediately sequels and spin-offs are planned to cash-in on the brand's recognition. Scream is no stranger to this formula, particularly since the film was under the guise of Harvey Weinstein. Yet Scream has somehow always been able to overcome the typical problems of multiple sequels. Whereas the original parodied the horror genre, the second and third films, in their own ways, became parodies of the original, further extending the brand into an interesting and original direction. More than a decade after the last film, Scream 4 revisits the original's intention: parodying the horror genre, which had undergone numerous changes in the past 11 years. The technology may be better and the teens may be more self-aware, but that doesn't prevent Scream 4 from staying true to its original intentions in new surroundings.

08. Certified Copy

Iranian filmmaker Abbas Kiarostami teams up with French living legend Juliette Binoche for this cerebral take on the romance film. Binoche meets writer William Shimell at a lecture where he's discussing his latest book, a critical analysis on the artistic worth of "certified copies" of art masterpieces. She invites him to coffee to discuss, and what begins as a normal conversation involves into something more, something which may or may not reveal their true pasts and relationship with each other. What sets Certified Copy apart from other "thesis as film" excursions into pretension are that the questions it raises--Which of the scenarios is the "original" and which are the certified copies? Does it truly matter, even if we enjoyed a copy more than the original?--are original and probing and that Kiarostami actually wants us to care about these characters as people, rather than intellectual mouth pieces.

07. Senna

Piecing together a documentary out of hours of stock footage from a decade of racing events is one thing. But piecing together a documentary out of hours of stock footage from a decade of racing events so that it flows like a narrative film and manages to be as exciting and suspenseful as the best sports dramas is another thing all together. Director Asif Kapadia works wonders with the limitations, crafting an intense look at how Brazilian outsider Ayrton Senna, met with contempt and outright derision from European Formula One racers and even the organization's president, became one of the sport's most beloved figures. As with Warrior, it probably sounds trite on paper, but the storytelling and technical work involved makes Senna a can't miss movie.

06. The Muppets

Other than a passing knowledge of them through the Muppet Babies cartoon when I was a kid, I had no real earth shattering connection to the Muppets when I went to see their much ballyhooed return to the big screen. So, while most people were disappointed that the Muppets were mostly business as usual with no "new" ideas in their comedy, I found myself marveling at the many clashing Muppet personalities, somehow working together and against each other to stage a grand comeback. What struck me most about the film, and is probably the reason I responded so strongly to the movie, was the melancholy buried deep beneath the boundless optimism of the Muppets. In a way, The Muppets is a film about a group of people whose life didn't turn out exactly as they planned: they lost touch, drifted their own ways, settled into their sad existences but never really examined if they were happy with what they were doing. Is it any wonder why this movie moved me so much, particularly during this past year?

05. Drive

Instantly iconic, effortlessly cool, stylized within an inch of its life and guided by a star-making performance from Ryan Gosling, Drive is a monstrosity of a movie (in the best way possible). It's so BIG, particularly during the final half, it makes every other 2011 film look small; how does any film dare compete with the Scorpion Jacket or the vivid, retro-feeling soundtrack floating over the film? Drive is one of the best pure moviegoing experiences of the year. From a nearly wordless protagonist to its increasingly out-of-time dream (?) sequences bookended with pure, harsh reality, Nicolas Winding Refn's joyfully plays with audiences expectations at how an action film should look. The entirety of Drive feels breezy and carefree, but it's always the easiest-looking films that have the most thought put behind them.

04. Hanna

If I was a blurb whore, I would call Hanna the best action film since Speed and leave it at that. But since I'm not, I'll offer a bit more explanation as to why I loved this movie so much. Joe Wright, known primarily for period pieces, proves that (a) he can do more than period and (b) you can meld arthouse visual flourishes with the action genre's sensibilities for a hybrid that is both unique and fascinating to watch. From the pounding, memorable Chemical Brothers score, to the long take Eric Bana fight scene, to the chase sequence on top of those stock yard crates, every bit of Hanna has been completely thought out and executed flawlessly. If all action films were this intelligent and well-made, I'd be a bigger fan of the genre.

03. Young Adult

When I saw Young Adult on a Friday afternoon in mid-December, I left the theatre feeling like I had just been punched in the stomach. What was that movie? I didn't hate it, not by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, I couldn't quite shake the cold, dark pit it had left in the bottom of my soul. I walked around the mall near the theatre, shopping for Christmas presents, and I wondered how Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron) would react to all of the nonsense going around. I imagined the sneer, the look of contempt she would give these lowly shoppers, spending their sad, pathetic lives in this sad, pathetic mall. Without even realizing it, Mavis had invaded my soul, and that's what bothered me so much about the movie. Even though we are disgusted by the stupid, selfish vanity and egotism Mavis Gary represents, all of us can relate to her at least on some level. From small things to keeping up the appearance of popularity by continuously texting nonsense into your phone or sleeping with someone even though you find everything they say and feel to be utterly contemptible to something bigger like the inability to find happiness in anything, let alone the small things the people around you can and do with relative ease, Young Adult manages the tricky task of finding the reprehensible relatable. The controversial ending to Diablo Cody's masterclass of a screenplay sticks a sharp dagger into the cold, dead soul of this movie--and feels all the more alive because of it.

02. Beginners

If Young Adult was like a punch to the gut, Beginners was like pulling out a nose hair: I was in an incredible amount of (emotional) pain, and I suppressed the urge to cry for no specific reason. A lot of people compliment writers/directors on caring about their characters, but none of them can touch the amount of empathy writer/director Mike Mills feels for every single character on-screen as they find the courage to begin their lives again after setbacks or life-changing moments. Some find it easier than others, yet they all soldier on even when they want to throw the towel in. Beginners is masterful in its ability to find warmth even in the face of death, whether it's of a relationship or a literal one. It's these little glimpses of humor and life in the darker moments which make them all the more affecting and heartbreaking. A perfect mix of light and dark, Beginners is one of the best melancholic comedies you're ever likely to see.

01. Bridesmaids

It's 2012, yet comedy is still treated like a second-class art form. "Sure, Bridesmaids was funny," you'll hear pretentious arthouse snobs sneer after extolling the artistic virtues of the latest Terence Malick snooze fest, "But it's not a great film." "Oh, fuck off," is my response to these ignorant moviegoers, unwilling to even consider the fact that great doesn't always equal serious. Under the guise of a raucous, foul-mouthed gross-out comedy, Bridesmaids smartly sets itself apart from nearly every other studio-financed comedy out there by exploring serious, even potentially dark, subjects through outlandish, in-your-face, comedic set pieces. While laughing at Annie's (Kristen Wiig) numerous meltdowns, you can't help but see how fucking sad it all is. This is a woman who feels the need to compete a smug, condescending stranger at a wedding party because she's afraid of losing her best friend or who picks a fight with a 13 year old girl and calls her a cunt because she realizes just how shitty her life has become. Even the go-get-'em speech at the end, delivered to Annie by fellow bridesmaid Megan (Academy Award-nominee Melissa McCarthy), doesn't ever feel as corny as it should, delivered with good intentions and conviction by McCarthy but layered with so much comedy you don't realize how beautiful what she says is until much later. Yes, Bridesmaids is "just" a comedy, but no film in 2012--hell, at least the past five years--has opened my eyes more to the many possibilities film has to offer.

10 Most Anticipated Performances This Fall

The fall season is upon this and with the changing leaves comes the Oscar season. So long, superheroes, hello, adults with problems! Needless to say, it's usually my favorite time of the year (although this spring and early summer will probably give the next few months a run for their money). To celebrate this season's commencement, I thought I would change things up a bit and share the performances I'm looking forward to the mos. Here they are in no particular order: 

Keira Knightley, A Dangerous Method

Since A Dangerous Method's premiere at Venice, the words "loud" and "in-your-face" have been used almost exclusively to describe Knightley's performance. Reaction has been mixed as to whether or not it works, but I absolutely love gutsy, go-for-broke performances. And Knightley has only grown in my esteem since Atonement.

Michael Fassbender, Shame

I could say that I'm mostly excited for this performance because Fassy is reteaming with his Hunger director Steve McQueen, but we all know I'd be lying. As soon as I heard the words "full frontal," my ticket was already bought. But Fassy is a great actor and he has been receiving rave reviews for this performance, so I'd be interested in this performance even if we didn't get a glimpse of the goods.

Sandra Bullock, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I don't care what anyone says, I'm still proudly a member of Team Sandy and her Oscar win back in 2009. This is why I'm curious to see if her first post-Oscar film will continue my fascination with this woman. Provided Stephen Daldry's adaptation of this acclaimed novel hits the right notes, I don't think Sandy will have a problem nailing this.

Armie Hammer, J. Edgar

The recent trailer left me cold, but if it did nothing else, it certainly raised my already considerable interest in Armie's performance in this film. The way I'm reading the trailer, he's playing the supportive wife role, which makes me smile because the thought of 6 foot 5 Aryan God Armie Hammer playing the docile supporting wife is hilarious in its own right. Plus he gets a shouting scene! Can you say "Oscar clip"? If we couldn't get Andy Garfield a nom last year, this should be an easier sell, right?

Kirsten Dunst, Melancholia

Lars von Trier has a way with actresses that is almost unparalleled (hello, Nicole Kidman in Dogville!). The fact that he decided to work with as unlikely of an actress as Dunst, whom will always be in my good graces for Bring It On alone, makes me think that he saw something truly special in her that will translate well in his apocalyptic film.

Charlize Theron, Young Adult

Theron has never been a favorite actress of mine (my three favorite performances of her are Monster, the "Crossfire" music video and that Dior ad where she undresses as she walks through a long corridor), but I know a lot of people who love and trust her even when her filmography might not warrant such devotion. The real story here is screenwriter Diablo Cody, who made even the insufferable Megan Fox temporarily interesting in Jennifer's Body. If she can work that same magic with the much more tolerable Charlize Theron in this film about a divorced loser returning home to rekindle an old romance, the results will be golden.

Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene

The fact that a member of the Olsen clan who is not one of the Olsen Twins is getting Oscar buzz is enough for me. What a delicious little story: sister of billionaire media moguls wows in low budget indie film.

Zac Efron, New Year's Eve

A bit of a silly choice, I know. But it has simply been far too long with out Efron on our movie screens (about 16 months by the time this comes out). On the plus side, New Year's Eve is a comedy, which is truly Efron's forte and Garry Marshall was able to get at least one interesting performance out of his last film in this vein, Valentine's Day.

Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

I have to say I'm mostly curious about watching the introverted, cerebral Williams portray an actress like Monroe, who achieved stardom with charm, warmth and massive sex appeal. The result could either be a beautiful disaster or a triumph. I, for one, am intrigued either way.

Jason Segel & Amy Adams, The Muppets

I was going to pick Sterling Knight & Selena Gomez as the duo from this film I'm most excited about, but I realize that they are probably only cameo roles and I don't want to get overexcited for 90 seconds of screentime. I don't, however, want to make it sound like I'm not interested in the main romance between Segel & Adams. These two are adorable on their own, so I don't know if we can handle their combined adorableness. I'm certainly willing to try, though.

Somebody Please Tell 'Em Who the Eff She Is

I don't think I've ever spoken of my love for Nicki Minaj before, which is very nearly a crime worthy of capital punishment given how "Super Bass" is my favorite song of the year, so I want to take some time to talk about her. As a white boy from rural Michigan, rap isn't exactly my forte. Not surprisingly, though, of the rappers I do enjoy, the vast majority of them are females. Missy Elliott has always been my favorite--although with legendary tracks like "Work It" and "Get Ur Freak On", who could compete?--but Nicki is quickly catching up. Not only is the woman versatile beyond belief, Nicki also has some of the most clever, interesting lyrics this side of Kanye West at his best. She's an artist who only gets more interesting with time and I can't wait to hear what insanity she comes out with next. To celebrate her, I decided to give a brief rundown of my favorite Nicki verses, whether from her solo work or as a guest artist.

10. "In My Head [Remix]"

It's not very often where I find myself audibly laughing while listening to lyrics, but on this remix of the Jason Derülo hit, I still chuckle at certain bits of Nicki's verse.

Key Lyric: "Smash more clubs than Tiger Woods' wifey"

09. "Up Out My Face [Remix]"

This is the first time I ever heard Nicki after at least a couple of months of hype surrounding her. I must admit that at first, I didn't get the big deal. But after numerous listens to this remix of Mariah Carey's jam, I finally got it.

Key Lyric: "Cat's away, well the mice will play/LOL, smiley face, have a nice-a day"

08. "Your Love"

The first Nicki song I ever truly loved, which is surprising because it's neither the type of rap she's known for or the kind of rapping I love best from her. But, backed by an Annie Lennox sample (!!!!), Nicki wrote a surprisingly tender rap about finding a soulmate.

Key Lyric: "When I was a geisha, he was a samurai/Somehow I understood him when he spoke Thai"

07. "Did It On 'Em"

This gem of an album track would probably pass you by unnoticed if you didn't take a second and listen to the lyrics. There are so many hilarious and off-beat boasts (maybe acting as a parody?) that puts many other rappers and their lame attempts and building themselves up to shame.

Key Lyric: "If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on 'em"

06. "Super Bass"

My favorite Nicki song. The only reason it's not ranked higher is because I love this song for reasons other than its lyrics. She may be more clever on other songs, but that doesn't diminish the amazingness of this song.

Key Lyric: "I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie/You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh"

05. "Where Them Girls At"

Even though it was a hit in the UK earlier this year, I only just got into this song a couple of weeks ago. Nicki often does her finest work featuring on other people's songs where she often steals the show and this David Guetta track is no exception. The moment I truly fell for this song, I was on my way to work and I was cracking up at Nicki's verse.

Key Lyric: "You can suck a dick, you can suck on a ballsack/No, no, I don't endorse that, p-p-p-pause that, abort that"

04. "Girls Fall Like Dominoes"

Nicki's flow on this song is incredible. And I love the way the first and second verses really have nothing to do with each other but they somehow sound quite harmonious next to each other. Bonus points for name dropping both Mo'Nique and Grace Jones in a song!

Key Lyric: "Material girls like Madonna/Model for Donatella/Ain't nothing you can tell her 'cause she get that mozzarella"

03. "Bottoms Up"

This is the song I use to get pumped whenever I got out drinking with my friends. Even before we touch a drop of alcohol, my friend Megan and I try to sing Nicki's verse on this song and, dear God, we cannot keep up for the life of us. Such a perfect little ode to getting completely hammered.

Key Lyric: "Rest in piece to Anna Nicole Smith/Yes, my dear, you're so explosive/Say hi to Mary, Mary and Joseph/Now bottoms up and double my doses"

02. "Roman's Revenge"

I wasn't crazy about this song at first. Now I can't imagine a world without it. Whatever your opinion of Eminem's verses (I think they work and are the most inspired things he's done in ages), we all have to agree that Nicki absolutely kills it on this song. I am in absolute awe of her ability to play with random words and phrases and put them together in phrases that make complete sense.

Key Lyric: "Word, that bitch mad 'cause I took the spot?/Well, bitch, if you ain't shittin', then get off the pot"

01. "Monster"

A song by Kanye West which also features Jay-Z and little ole Nicki Minaj is the one who steals the entire show? This was Nicki's "Bad Romance" moment: the instant we all realized that she wasn't fucking around and was, in fact, the real deal. Her entire verse is not only cleverly written but is also delivered with such a relentless energy unlike anyone in the game today.

Key Lyric: "But really, really, I don't give a F-U-C-K/Forget Barbie, fuck Nicki she escaped/She on a diet but her cock is eating cheesecake"

Random Top 10: Sonny With a Chance Moments

With the recent news that Demi Lovato is leaving Sonny With a Chance to focus on her music career, I think it's time to bid a proper adieu to the beloved Disney show. The show had already announced that it was changing names (So Random!) and formats (sketch comedy), but Demi leaving is the final nail in the coffin. No one watches the show for the sketches, and without Demi, the show will be missing a vital ingredient that made it a success in the first place. Sterling Knight and Tiffany Thornton will have no one to bounce their insanity off of and it will be a total mess. But instead of dwelling on the negative, I want to celebrate this fabulous show. Sonny With a Chance proved to me that Disney shows could be as legit as network TV and got me watching Wizards of Waverly Place another amazing "kiddie" show. Their epic first season should have nabbed a few Emmys, while the second season, although not as strong overall, showed at least once an episode that the show was just as cutting edge as it was in the past. I will miss this show dearly. Let's take this opportunity to honor some of the best moments the show has given us as a way of saying thank you to Demi, Tiffany, Sterling and company for two seasons of pure joy.

10. The Real Princesses of New Jersey sketch on "So Random Holiday"

"Hey, yo, I walked the five feet to the front door so how 'bout a lil' somethin'-somethin' for your Prince Carmine, ya know what I'm sayin'?"

As a general rule, the sketches on So Random!, the show-within-a-show on Sonny With a Chance, are flat and uninspired, an opportunity for lowbrow humor before we get to the real show. But during a special holiday-themed episode filled with So Random! sketches this past season, this gem emerged. The ladies had previously done this sketch earlier in the season, and it turned out surprisingly well, but adding Sterling Knight as a guido Prince Charming proved to be the missing ingredient that pushed this sketch over the top. How can you not immediately love a sketch that features the SWAC cast parodying Jersey Shore, Demi/Sonny screeching "What am I, an animal?!" or a casual reference to Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road? Springsteen! On a Disney show! Imagine that.

09. Chad and Tawni's Conversation in "With a Chance of Dating"

Sterling and Tiffany were rarely afforded the chance to work together, but whenever they did, they immediately clicked. My favorite moment between them is when they are discussing Sonny's upcoming date with a former flame of Tawni's, mainly because of this awesome exchange:

 

Chad: Why do you want him to back off?

Tawni: Why are you wearing a bib?
Chad: Jealous?

Tawni: I have my own bib!

08. 'High School Miserable'

One of the reasons I loved Sonny With a Chance so much was because of its fearless ability to comment on the conventions of tweenage celebrity and the culture that goes with it. Sonny With a Chance couldn't exist without the Disney Channel and its never ending parade of stars, shows and movies. In this episode, the cast has been fired from So Random! and are forced to go to a public high school. Accustomed to the life of Disney celebrity, the gang (minus Sonny) have no idea how to function in a normal high school setting. When they are rejected by everyone in the school, they start expressing their feelings through song. An onlooker asks Sonny what they are doing. She, shaking her head, says, "Apparently the only high school they know is the musical one." Begrudgingly, Sonny leads a choreographed number straight out of High School Musical. Instead of joining in on the routine, however, the rest of the cafeteria starts booing while throwing their trash at them. The delicious joke at the end which makes this sequence a hilarious send off to Disney's biggest hit: Sonny telling her booing classmates, "Seriously, guys? We just made all of that up!"

07. "Eat carbs, you animals!"

Tiffany Thornton has had many, many wonderful moments as self-absorbed diva Tawni Hart, battling Sonny for the spotlight or indulging in her own vanity. There is this really great moment in the episode "Fast Friends" where Tawni steals the show by (momentarily) helping Sonny out. Sonny has just done an interview where, inadvertently, she goes all "diva crazy" on Chad. She goes to the cafeteria, hoping to get him to admit that it was all a misunderstanding, but is immediately pelted with food by angry people ("There she is. There's the monster!"). Sonny enlists Tawni to cover her while she goes to speak to Chad. Tawni starts throwing rolls at the angry people, shouting "Eat carbs, you animals!" It's a simple moment, but Thornton completely nails it.

06. Chad Being Chad in "Sonny and the Studio Brat"

Chad Dylan Cooper is a one-of-a-kind character and I still stand by my belief that Sterling Knight should have gotten at the very least an Emmy nomination for bringing this character to life. "Sonny and the Studio Brat" isn't his episode, per se, but he does steal scenes like a motherfucking criminal. Witness some of his finest moments right here:

Sonny: Chad, you're so superficial.

 Chad: All I hear when you say that is, "Chad, you're so super blah blah blah blah"

Sonny: I have the sweetest girl here and she really wants to meet you.

Chad: Ooooh, what's she look like?

Sonny: She's nine.

Chad: *hangs up*

 

"Oh daddy?!"

05. Gassie's Funeral

There was a moment in the first two and a half episodes of the second season of Sonny With a Chance where I thought the show had lost the spark that made it so great the first season. The third episode started off with a whimper--the farting dog from one of So Random!'s most popular sketches has suddenly past away thanks to Sonny giving the unloved dog too much attention--but ended with a massive bang that proved the show was just as biting as ever. Chad offers to throw a memorial for Gassie since Sonny is too distraught to do it. She wants a tasteful ceremony which is Chad's cue to throw an extravagant memorial complete with a choir and speeches from his co-stars. While Chad is directing the whole memorial and Tawni is turning her eulogy into yet another attempt to make everything about her, Nico and Grady are trying to make a buck selling useless farting lunchboxes as memorial souvenirs. Coming just 8 months after the death of Michael Jackson and the media circus surrounding his funeral that everyone, even members of his family, took advantage of for their own gain, this is a biting commentary on the state of celebrity deaths circa 2010 ("You saw him as nothing more than a tooting ATM.").

04. "WHY SO SERIOUS?"

Tawni, spending a couple of days without looking in the mirror, ends up looking like The Joker. It's a funny moment that proved that Sonny With a Chance, unlike some other Disney shows, isn't trapped in its own little world and can make suitable pop culture references with the best of them.

03. Sonny and Chad's Fake Date

"Now smile like you're having the time of your life."

From the moment Sonny and Chad first met, sparks flew and it was only a matter of time before they would become the biggest "will they or won't they?" couple in all of TV. It took a couple of episodes, but the Sonny With a Chance writers finally started letting them explore their feelings for each other in this episode by putting them together on a "fake" date to get revenge on a guy who done Sonny wrong. The date starts off with the typical banter that comes from putting Sonny and Chad in the same room ("If we're gonna hold hands, you have to switch sides...This is my hand-holding hand!") but slowly progresses to a point where they are "hypothetically" expressing their desire to date each other. Of course, their original mission interrupts any further attempt at exploring feelings, but it's still a total squee-worthy moment. Another reason this scene is amazing: I believe it's the first time we hear Chad's infamous sign-off "Peace out, suckas! Aaaah!"

02. Banning Zac Efron

"Because it's my wall. And I like saying I banned Zac Efron. There will come a day when Zac Efron comes knocking on that door and he's like, 'Hey, can I come in.' And I'll be like 'Oh no. You're banned."

 

The rivalry between tween heartthrob Chad Dylan Cooper and his more widely-popular foe Zac Efron made for some of the best in-jokes on the show, especially since Sterling Knight is friends with Efron in real life. CDC may be the greatest actor of his generation but the popularity of Efron is something he will always be trying to achieve.

01. "Battle of the Networks' Stars"

I'm choosing the entire episode because how can I be forced to single out one moment from the greatest episode the show ever created? "Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a brilliant synthesis of comedy for Disney's main demographic (children) and a more mature, meta commentary on these tween celebrities. The episode is about Chad directing a movie of his life. After trying to find suitable actors to portray the "losers from So Random!--no offense," Chad relents by allowing the real people play themselves. Except Sonny, that is, who is forced to audition for her role ("This is Sonny Munroe reading for the part of Sonny Munroe"). Before she's even finished, Chad has hired fellow Disney thespian Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato's best friend in real life at the time, to portray Sonny. Shenanigans ensue, which include Sonny calling Selena, in an obvious reference to her role on Wizards of Waverly Place, a "relationship wizard" when she calls Sonny out on liking Chad, and Selena mentioning that she was in a movie called Camp Hip-Hop, referring to Demi's breakout Disney movie. The episodes culminates in a scene on the set of Chad Dylan Cooper: The Chad Dylan Cooper Story. In a move straight out of Synecdoche, New York, Selena has hired Sonny as her "Sonny consultant" to help her get more into character. Mad at Chad, or attempting to hide her true feelings for him, she interrupts shooting a few times, reminding Selena that when Chad's "staring into your eyes, he's really staring at his reflection in your eyes." After calling him "the worst actor of our generation," Chad explodes and they erupt into the most passionately angry fight I've ever seen on a Disney show. I thought for sure they were going to jump each other.

Besides being a truly hilarious episode--even Nico, after spending time with lookalikes of himself and Grady who know how to get girls, gets a funny line: "Maybe they can teach us to be better versions of ourselves"--"Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a sly exploration of Sonny and Chad's relationship. Chad's movie recreates key moments in the Sonny and Chad relationship we've seen on Sonny With a Chance, but Chad has tweaked them so that Sonny has fallen in love with him. Is this simply an ego boost for Chad, a reminder that he can get any girl to fall in love with him, or is it wishful thinking on his part? And after Selena insists that Sonny has feelings for Chad, Sonny decides to don a cloak and wizard hat to become "relationship wizard" Selena, just as Selena has become Sonny. It's a great visual gag, and it does allow Chad to call Sonny "Scary Potter," but it's also a defense mechanism for Sonny. She becomes Selena as a way of distracting herself from the fact that what Selena said may be true. The fact that Sonny With a Chance chooses to portray the Sonny and Chad relationship in this manner is truly astounding; the fact that it does this while also being hilariously quotable is further proof that this was not just another Disney show.

Top 10 Worst Songs of 2010

The time has come to start honoring the highlights of 2010. Let's begin by getting the worst songs of 2010 out of the way. Last year, I complained ad nauseum about the unholy horrors unleashed upon us known as 'Boom Boom Pow,' 'The Climb' and 'Fireflies,' but I feel like 2010 offered up even worse dreck that I was forced to hear repeatedly on the radio every goddamn day like clockwork. Please, let's get this shit over with so I can put these songs behind me and hope that 2011 offers less horrific music.

Dishonorable Mentions: Eminem teamed up with Rihanna on a song about an abusive relationship--something they both know a little bit about--and dragged her down to his level of shitty musicianship. If you think 'Love the Way You Lie' gets to the heart of abusive relationships, you seriously need to listen to Rated R a few more times...Usher's 'OMG' was yet another will.i.am creation that sounded like it took thirty seconds to put together. Why do we keep acting like Usher is the great artist when he keeps releasing lazy garbage like this?

10. Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg 'California Gurls'
There's no denying that 'California Gurls' is catchy as hell--I know I found myself singing it more than once while at work this summer--but the song is as plastic as a lot of people accuse pop music of being. 'California Gurls' is a lazy, soulless piece of music designed solely to be the Summer Anthem of 2010. Katy & company succeeded in that respect but completely failed in nearly every other area.

09. Mike Posner 'Cooler Than Me'
A whiny, mopey loser writes a song whining about all the people in high school who "probably" think they were cooler than him. Grow up and get a real problem, Mike.

08. B.o.B. featuring Bruno Mars 'Nothin' On You'
The first entry for both B.o.B. and Bruno, who both memorably contributed to this year's parade of shitty music. 'Nothin' On You' would probably be an okay song if you heard it once while drunk at the bar, but after hearing it over and over and over and over again, sober, it's clearly just a shitty song. B.o.B. is clearly the least interesting rapper in "the game."

07. Olly Murs 'Thinking of Me'
Just think: Olly has managed to get two equally shitty songs in the UK Top 5 while Joe McElderry, the winner of his season of X-Factor and an all-around more interesting entertainer, can't catch a fucking break. If you have no idea who Olly Murs is, first of all, thank your lucky stars. Secondly, think John Mayer but with even less personality and absolutely no musicianship. Add in the most trite lyrics ever committed to music by a "dude with a guitar" and you have 'Thinking of Me.'

06. B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams 'Airplanes'
Every time I see an airplane in the night sky, I pretend it's a shooting star and wish that B.o.B. and this disgustingly stupidly obvious song would go back into the hole they crawled out of and die. This song is only deep if the most complicated movie you've ever seen in your life is The Dark Knight.

05. Various Celebrities Trying to Cash In on the Haiti Tragedy 'We Are the World 25 for Haiti'/'Everybody Hurts'
Haven't the Haitians suffered enough? I think they would rather endure another earthquake than be forced to have to listen to either of these turds again.

04. Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars 'Billionaire'
Just like 'Airplanes,' this is another song "about" "something" that is just as superficial as something like 'California Gurls.' So, if Travie McCoy was a billionaire, he'd help needy people who have a shitty life. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL AND CLEVER. Why fucking waste my time with this song when you're just going to make up shit. Come on, we all know what Bruno Mars would spend a billion dollars on and it's not kids...

03. Kiely Williams 'Spectacular'
Williams, of Disney's Cheetah Girls fame, tries to shed her good girl image in the worst way imaginable. I definitely do not have a problem with women singing about one night stands and embracing their sexuality. If you're going to do it, however, please be either clever about it (Miley's 'Can't Be Tamed') or just go balls out (Lil' Kim's 'How Many Licks?'); 'Spectacular' falls in neither of these categories. Kiely comes off as nothing but a trashy, disgusting ho, especially when she fucking brags about forgetting to wear a condom. I hate to sound like an uptight soccer mom, but that's just irresponsible.

02. Black Eyed Peas 'The Time (Dirty Bit)'
The Black Eyed Peas used to make music. 'Don't Lie,' 'Hey Mama' and 'My Humps' were jams back in the day. But somewhere after they took a break while Fergie went and did her solo thing (and remember how delightful that all was!), the Black Eyed Peas decided to completely sell out and just speak random words over the most horrible sounding beats imaginable. That was how 'Boom Boom Pow' came into existence. But now the Peas have reached an all time low in terms of laziness: now they're just ripping off 80's classics instead of writing their own hooks. 'The Time' shits all over the Dirty Dancing classic 'I've Had the Time of My Life' and then surrounds it with the most nonsensical, obnoxious, unmusical heap of garbage that's supposed to pass for a tune that I've heard in ages. I didn't think the Black Eyed Peas could surpass 'Boom Boom Pow' in terms of tuneless, aimless drivel, but 'The Time,' if nothing else, proves that anything is still possible when it comes to this hacky group.

01. Yolanda Be Cool vs. DCUP 'We No Speak Americano'
When I saw a couple months ago that this song, a recent #1 hit in the UK, was threatening to make a presence on the US charts, I freaked the fuck out. I can kinda, sorta understand someone buying the Black Eyed Peas since people will always buy easily accessible and ungodly awful music by big artists, but who the fuck ever thought that buying this song was a good idea? This song is so pointless and just plain ugly, it makes it look like 'The Time' was written with the purpose of making good music. Thankfully, America was spared from this song, but my ears are still recovering from this atrocity.

Random Top 10: The Non-Singles of Girls Aloud

It's no surprise that as a gay man obsessed with British pop music, Girls Aloud is one of my favorite musical acts around. Ever since I heard 'Sexy! No No No...' for the first time about two and a half years ago, I have been quite devoted to the Way of the Aloud. Over the years, I've met quite a few Girls Aloud fans online (a surprising number of them Americans) and the subject of their best songs always comes up before long. Most people agree on 'Biology,' but, beyond that, all bets are off. They have released so many singles, album cuts, B-sides, remixes and unreleased tracks that it's impossible for two "Best of Girls Aloud" lists to match. In fact, I know I've been asked to come up with a list on a couple of occasions and I'm sure that even my own lists didn't match each other. I wanted to create a definitive, once and for all list of their best songs but that seemed too, I don't know, ordinary. Let's try and make this a tad more interesting by focusing only on the non-singles. Any minor Girls Aloud fan knows that 'Biology,' 'Something Kinda Ooooh' and 'Call the Shots' are magnificent pieces of pop music, but where on earth do you start with the rest of their catalog? Well, here 10 good places to start exploring Girls Aloud beyond the hits.

10. Rolling Back the Rivers in Time
From Out of Control
The Girls and longtime collaborators Xenomania pushed their sound into a surreal electropop sound that neither of them had ever really explored before. 'Untouchable' was probably the masterpiece of this experiment, but 'Rolling Back the Rivers in Time' is not far behind. It's hard to describe, but this song feels like a dream where you're not quite sure what's going on but everything about it feels so damn good that it must be alright. Not sure if that makes sense but, hey, it sounds good to me.

09. Miss You Bow Wow
From Out of Control
Replacing the surrealism of 'Rolling Back the Rivers in Time' with a hard, pounding edge, 'Miss You Bow Wow' manages to turn repetitive, downright silly lyrics into a masterful, memorable song. Again, as with 'Rolling Back the Rivers in Time,' I have no idea what it means, but it feels oh-so-right.

08. Wild Horses
From Chemistry
Quite possibly, one of the strangest songs Girls Aloud has ever recorded. The intro is, more or less, a church hymn, slow and steady but not exactly straying into dire ballad territory. Then, 20 seconds in, the hymn is ditched and the Xenomania production kicks in full-force, producing one of the most jarring transitions I've ever heard. The rest of the song is great, and the chorus is catchy as hell, but that opening is the true reason why I love it so much.

07. Black Jacks
From Tangled Up
I don't know if anyone else does this, but I often associate songs to ideas and meanings that have absolutely nothing to do with the song itself. 'Black Jacks' is one of those songs, and for whatever reason, I associate it with some kind of end-of-the-world apocalypse. It's the line "It's hard having fun when you can't see the sun anymore" that really set that interpretation in stone for me. The rest of the song probably doesn't fit, but when you think about it in that context, the lyric is almost too beautiful.

06. Memory of You
B-side to The Loving Kind
A curious omission from the Out of Control album, 'Memory of You' fits in with the album's electropop sound and dream-like atmosphere. Even curiouser, the track was only featured on the vinyl edition of the single. It's like everyone at the record company purposely tried to keep us from hearing this song. But we showed them, those buggers, and the fans have been totally receptive to this killer track.



05. Hoxton Heroes
B-side to Can't Speak French
Girls Aloud isn't normally known for starting shit but on 'Hoxton Heroes' the queens of British pop decided to take the piss out of all the indie rock bands (and their fans) who, for years, had called their music garbage. Hey, indie fans, your music is garbage too, so fuck off. What I love about 'Hoxton Heroes' is that it's one of the few pop songs to wear that label like a badge.

04. You Freak Me Out
From Sound of the Underground [Bonus Track]
I'm not going to argue that 'You Freak Me Out' breaks any new ground in the realm of pop music, but it is excellent for what is: a bright, silly pop song about people who just don't get each other. And that chorus! Such fun.

03. Crazy Fool
B-side to Whole Lotta History
A lot of people cite the ambitious 'Memory of You' as Girls Aloud's best B-side, but I like to think of the simpler, yet stunning 'Crazy Fool' as my favorite. The chorus is stunning; I love how stylized and accented the lyrics are. Freaking beautiful.

02. Live in the Country
From Out of Control
A beautiful yet all-around wacky (check out those pigs and ducks at the very end!) song about the desire to give up the fast life for the simple country life. I love personal pop songs, and I feel like 'Live in the Country' is the perfect snapshot of Girls Aloud circa 2008: exhausted and ready for a break from it all. After this song, it's no surprise that they have been M.I.A. since with no word yet on a follow-up album.

01. Singapore
From The Sound of Girls Aloud [Pink Cover Version]
After songs like 'Something Kinda Oooh' and 'Sexy! No No No...' with their relentless beat and unstoppable drive, a song like 'Singapore' is a sweet, simple relief from the group's "harder" edge. Achingly tender and melancholic, yet surprisingly upbeat, 'Singapore' reveals a softer side of the Girls without having to descend to depths of shallow ballad hell. And when you've been forced to listen to one 'I'll Stand By You' after another, this song looks better all the time. Bonus points for this fan-made video which has to be the greatest Girls Aloud video ever:

Random Top 10: Should-Be Criterions

A couple of days ago, Barnes & Noble announced their regular Criterion 50% Off Sale, sending a legion of cinema nerds into a buying frenzy. I'm pacing myself throughout the sale, buying only a couple at a time so I don't go into massive debt. Today I picked up A Christmas Tale and Chungking Express, expanding my Criterion family from four to six:

My first born, and, not surprisingly, my favorite. This is the first thing I would grab if my house was on fire.

The rest of my children.

Anyways, with this sale going on, everyone is in a Criterion frenzy, so what better time than to start talking suggestions for future releases? I know that Criterion has been hit hard by the recession, forced to release a large amount of "mainstream" foreign arthouse flicks just to get by. But once things start to turn around, and they don't have to worry so much about trying to maintain a proper cashflow, here are some films I really hope they can get their hands on and give the Criterion treatment.

10. David Fincher Music Videos
Criterion is known for releasing unusual "speciality" collections--most notably two collections of avant garde works by Stan Brakhage--so why not music videos, an artform in its own right, this go-around? During his height in the late 80's/early 90's, David Fincher was the indisputable master of the artform. With Madonna's 'Vogue' and 'Express Yourself,' George Michael's 'Freedom' and Paula Abdul's 'Cold Hearted Snake' under his belt, among many other masterpiece I'm sure, this collection would be fascinating to say the least.

09. Saratoga Trunk
I've already said my piece about the film, now if only everyone could see it besides the occasional showing on TCM. This is the sort of divisive film Criterion should be taking a chance on every once in awhile.





08. [Safe]
I don't know if this me being oblivious or what, but I simply can't find a DVD of this to see. And watching Julianne Moore suffer under some harsh auteur's guiding hand is always a pleasure.







07. King Vidor Silents
The most consistently interesting director working at any of the studios during the silent era was, without a doubt, King Vidor. He wasn't exactly an artistic visionary, but no one could craft a smart, entertaining crowd pleaser like he could. My dream collection would contain three of his masterpieces currently unavailable anywhere on DVD: the epic WWI romance The Big Parade, the "experimental" look at the life of one ordinary couple The Crowd and his playful jab at the movie industry of the silent era Show People. All three of these are exceptional, underseen films that would vastly benefit from a Criterion release (as opposed to an eventual release somewhere down the road, if ever, from MGM that will receive absolutely no fanfare).




06. The Green Room
Truffaut already has a massive amount of his filmography available through Criterion, but this title has alluded release in America and it's the one film of his I haven't seen I'm most curious about. The plot--a journalist is so obsessed with his long dead wife he dedicates a room in his house as a shrine to her--sounds so completely atypical from anything Truffaut ever did. A great curiosity indeed.




05. Family Diary
While Criterion makes most of their money off releasing films by BergmanGodardFelliniTruffaut, this also affords them the opportunity to highlight smaller, more idiosyncratic directors. Case in point: Valerio Zurlini, who made this positively fascinating melodrama with Criterion favorite Marcello Mastroianni and Jacques Perrin. The plot isn't exactly earth shattering, but I think it's one of the finest studies of sibling relationships I've ever seen.

04. The Servant
This male version of Persona with even more homoeroticism is sadly out of print on DVD. And the world needs more Dirk Bogarde being über gay and über creepy.

03. Buster Keaton Collection
With Criterion releasing their own collection of Charlie Chaplin's film, just a few years after another fine set was released with a multitude of extras, I think it's fitting that they soon honor the other king of silent comedy with his own collection. A Buster Keaton collection is perhaps even more urgent since the only box set with all his films isn't very good. The prints are scratchy and in obvious need of restoration and there are no extras to speak of. I would love for a whole disc of documentaries about his legacy and interviews with him talking about his work (if they even exist).


02. The Mother and the Whore
According to legend, this post-New Wave film contains Jean-Pierre Léaud's best performance. Enough said, yes?


01. Face to Face
According to legend, this little seen Bergman contains the greatest performance from Liv Ullmann as a psychologist who goes gloriously off the deep end. And considering this is the same woman who brought us Persona, Scenes from a Marriage and Autumn Sonata, this must be one hell of a feat. Depriving us Ullmann devotees of this (supposed) treasure is a crime against humanity. We want Liv and we want her now!