Grammy Predictions

I don't normally care about the Grammys, nor do I really watch them--particularly in a year such as this one where they dissed A+ pop music for "quality" shit--but I just wanted to share who I think wildly guess will win and who should win in the main categories.

Record of the Year
The Black Keys "Lonely Boy"
Kelly Clarkson "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"
fun. featuring Janelle Monaé "We Are Young"
Gotye featuring Kimbra "Somebody That I Used to Know"
Frank Ocean "Thinkin About You"
Taylor Swift "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

Will Win: "Somebody That I Used to Know" seems like the safest pick: a monster Top 40 hit that you can see "real" musicians supporting.
Should Win: "Stronger"

Album of the Year
The Black Keys, El Camino
fun., Some Nights
Mumford & Sons, Babel
Frank Ocean, Channel Orange
Jack White, Blunderbuss

Will Win: Mumford & Sons for selling as many albums as Bieber and One Direction
Should Win: Is the fun. album really the only one on this list I've listened to?

Song of the Year
"The A-Team" (Ed Sheeran)
"Adorn" (Miguel Pimentel)
"Call Me Maybe" (Tavish Crowe, Carly Rae Jepsen & Josh Ramsay)
"Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" (Jörgen Elofsson, David Gamson, Greg Kurstin & Ali Tamposi)
"We Are Young" (Jack Antonoff, Jeff Bhasker, Andrew Dost & Nate Ruess)

Will Win: "We Are Young". Sheeran's too green, "Call Me Maybe" and "Stronger" are too mainstream pop
Should Win: As I've stated on Twitter, people underestimate just how hard it is to write a catchy pop song. For this reason alone, Jepsen & Co. should win for "Call Me Maybe". But, honestly, I'd be fine with anyone but Ed Sheeran.

Best New Artist
Alabama Shakes
fun.
Hunter Hayes
The Lumineers
Frank Ocean

Will Win: The Lumineers, I guess? That song of theirs is completely awful but sounds like the kind of shit Grammy voters will go apeshit over.
Should Win: Not exactly sure how they got nominated here as they've released an album a couple years ago, but fun. I guess? But, seriously, how many albums do One Direction have to sell to be included in a category that previously nominated the Backstreet Boys, the Jonas Brothers and The Biebz?

Best Pop Solo Performance
Adele "Set Fire to the Rain [Live]"
Kelly Clarkson "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"
Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"
Katy Perry "Wide Awake"
Rihanna "Where Have You Been"

Will Win: Adele. They nominated a live performance just to award her again.
Should Win: But, by all means, Adele is the most deserving of the award.

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
Florence + The Machine "Shake It Out"
fun. featuring Janelle Monaé "We Are Young"
Gotye featuring Kimbra "Somebody That I Used to Know"
LMFAO "Sexy and I Know It"
Maroon 5 featuring Wiz Khalifa "Payphone"

Will Win: fun. or Gotye. I'm guessing Gotye.
Should Win: Florence Welch.

Best Pop Vocal Album
Kelly Clarkson, Stronger
Florence + The Machine, Ceremonials
fun., Some Nights
Maroon 5, Overexposed
P!nk, The Trouble With Love

Will Win: Going out on a limb and picking Florence. fun. can't win everything and I don't think any of the others are quite beloved enough to win.
Should Win: Cut about four or five songs and Stronger would be unstoppable. As it stands, it's quite a good album.

Top 50 Songs of 2012

It's that time of the year again! Great year for pop music, a lot of interesting new artists this year, etc. I know you're eager to get to the list. Just a couple of quick notes:

1. This year, I decided to expand my list to include album tracks, remixes and other assorted "releases" in addition to singles. The best song last year, Selena Gomez & The Scene's "My Dilemma," wasn't eligible because it wasn't released as a single, so I decided that I needed to make a change. Why screw over something amazing just become some idiot at the record label is too dumb to release it?
2. One Direction "What Makes You Beautiful" and The Wanted "Glad You Came," both of which were big hits here in the States this year, are ineligible because they were already featured on my Best of 2011 list.
3. My eligibility cut-off is the beginning of December, so all the songs from Ke$ha's Warrior album (except "Die Young") and Swedish House Mafia "Don't You Worry Child" will have to wait until next year's list.

Enjoy!

Almost Made It: Drake featuring Lil' Wayne "HYFR (Hell Ya Fucking Right)" | Alphabeat "Love Sea" | Aiden Grimshaw "Is This Love" | Calvin Harris featuring Florence Welch "Sweet Nothing" | Saint Lou Lou "Maybe You" | Darin "Nobody Knows" | Miley Cyrus "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" | Foster the People "Color on the Walls (Don't Stop)" | Carly Rae Jepsen "Hurt So Good" | Lana Del Rey "Diet Mountain Dew"

50. Queen of Hearts "Shoot the Bullet"
49. Calvin Harris featuring Example "We'll Be Coming Back"
48. Samantha Jade "What You've Done to Me"
47. Justin Bieber featuring Nicki Minaj "Beauty and a Beat"
46. Robbie Williams "Candy"
45. Madonna "I'm Addicted"
44. Jessie Ware "No to Love"
43. Foster the People "Houdini"
42. Natalia Kills "Kill My Boyfriend"
41. Conor Maynard "Can't Say No"

40. Little Boots "Headphones"
39. Lawson "Taking Over Me" (The Alias Radio Edit)
38. Cheryl Cole "Under the Sun" (The Alias Radio Edit)
37. David Guetta featuring Nicky Romero & Sia "Wild One Two"
36. Ellie Goulding "Anything Could Happen"
35. Minnie-Oh "You and I"
34. Le Kid "Human Behaviour"
33. Ricki-Lee "Raining Diamonds"
32. Justin Bieber "Thought of You"
31. Karmin "Brokenhearted"

30. Kris Allen & Meiko "Loves Me Not"
29. Diana Vickers "Music to Make the Boys Cry"
28. Lana Del Rey "Ride"
27. Carly Rae Jepsen "Turn Me Up"
26. Dream Beats featuring The Face "Love Stuck"
25. Rihanna "Where Have You Been"
24. Rebecca Ferguson "Glitter & Gold" (Cahill Radio Edit)
23. Kelly Clarkson "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"
22. Stooshe "Black Heart"
21. Taylor Swift "Red"

20. Lana Del Rey "National Anthem"
Don't you know who you're dealing with?
The video, which imagines Lana as Jackie O, is really what sold this song for me. See also: the WestFunk and Fred Falke remixes as evidence of Ms. Del Rey's versatility.

19. Loreen "Euphoria"
Forever, we sail into infinity
Another year, another stellar Eurovision entry from Sweden. And this time they won the fucker with this gutsy, almost schizophrenic track, probably the most interesting mood pop song since "Say It Right."

18. Tome Damli & Eric Saade "Imagine"
And I can't forget about you/I'd rather be lonely instead
The fact that this carefree, sunny-sounding track is actually one of the most heartbreaking, depressing songs of the year is a great reminder of how masterful the Swedish are with pop music.

17. Ke$ha "Die Young"
Young hunks, taking shots/Stripping down to dirty socks
The Glitter Trash Queen returned with what is her most mature work to date. Well, "mature" for the woman who brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels, that is.

16. One Direction "I Would"
I can't compete with your boyfriend/He's got 27 tattoos
While a few too many of Take Me Home's tracks sound like they could have been sung by other artists, "I Would" is one that only could have come from My Boys. Their vibrant personalities are all over track, elevating an already cleverly written song into the album's standout.

15. Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"
Hey, I just met you/And this is crazy
Deceptively simple, endlessly addictive, one of the most genius hooks in ages. Bow down to Queen Carly Rae, peons.

14. Taylor Swift "I Knew You Were Trouble"
Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why/You're drowning
Dismissed as "The Taylor Swift Dubstep Song," "I Knew You Were Trouble" broke Taylor's last tie to the country community and, according to some rather dim individuals, every ounce of credibility she ever had. All I have to say is: Welcome to the Pop World, Taylor.

13. Agnes "One Last Time" (Extended Remix)
I let you down/And then I woke up next to a stranger
The album version is great and probably fits the mood of Veritas better, but this (somewhat) more uptempo version somehow makes the melancholy and heartbreak that much more palpable. 

12. Justin Bieber "Die In Your Arms"
There's no way that I could share you/That would break my heart to pieces
Like most male popstars, Justin Bieber wants to be the next Michael Jackson. Unlike most male popstars, Justin Bieber could actually be the next Michael Jackson. No, don't snicker at that. It's entirely true. If "Die In Your Arms" proves anything, it's that Bieber can do a smooth, midtempo love song and do it extraordinarily well.

11. Charlotte Perrelli "The Girl"
Of all the mistakes that I know I've done/Breaking your heart was the biggest one
Easily, the year's most epic chorus. The rest of the song ain't too shabby, either.

10. Girls Aloud "Something New"
We're the leaders of the pack/Tell me, can you handle that?
In the years since Girls Aloud's last album, the "girl group" has fallen on some hard times. The last Sugababes album bombed, The Saturdays have grown increasingly generic and new girl groups like Little Mix aren't even fit to carry Nadine's Tesco Club Points card . The Aloud, reuniting with Xenomania, reaffirmed their status as the greatest pop act in the world with "Something New," producing a song that introduced the "something new" pop music sorely needed by late 2012.

09. Cheryl Cole "Call My Name"
I love you too much to let go
The moment my love for Calvin Harris became heart-racingly, like-a-punch-in-the-gut real.

08. Dragonette "Let It Go"
We don't need a cure for the weight of the world
Very rarely do I ever love a song on first listen. But the moment I heard "Let It Go" on the band's SoundCloud page, I was so enamored by this rapturous, pulsing beat that I had to listen to it over and over and over again. Dragonette are often hit or miss for me, but I would hit this song all night long if I could.

07. Avicii "Levels"
Oh, oh, sometimes, I get a good feeling
Given the fact that one 2012 hit sampled it (Flo Rida's "Good Times") and another outright ripped it off (Ke$ha's "Die Young"), "Levels" feels more and more like one of the most important songs of the year.

06. Nicki Minaj "Starships"
But fuck who you want and fuck who you like
The moment when Nicki Minaj either jumped the shark or became reborn as the most atypical, genre-bending popstar around. Obviously, I believe the latter.

05. Justin Bieber "Boyfriend"
I can take you places you ain't never been before
Ten months later and "Boyfriend" is just as clever--both as a single choice and as a song itself--as it was back when it was released.

04. One Direction "One Thing"
Something's gotta give now/'Cause I'm dying just to know your name
To the unconvinced, "One Thing" is teen pop tripe, a generic song that can't even be bothered to come up with something more creative than "You've got that one thing" as its hook. But, in its own way, "One Thing" is a tribute to the boyband songs of yesterday, when times and pop hooks were much simpler. The lyrics may read inane on paper but they reveal a level of depth and longing few songs can muster.

03. Florence + The Machine "Spectrum (Say My Name)" (Calvin Harris Remix)
We are shining/And we will never be afraid again
I've always admired Florence Welch far more than I liked her music ("Dog Days Are Over" and "Shake It Out" notwithstanding). But the moment I heard her wail, "Say my naaaaaaaame!" like a drugged up acid queen over that Calvin Harris beat, I knew that Florence and I would get along just fine.

02. Lana Del Rey "Off to the Races"
I'm your little scarlet starlet/Singing in the garden
Everything a pop song should be but so rarely is: moody, mysterious, lush, yet ever so fragile. A popstar is born.

01. Demi Lovato "Give Your Heart a Break"
You try to smile it away/Some things you can't disguise
Before Miley and Selena eventually caught up to her, Demi was the be all and end all of the Disney pop princesses. Her 2009 album Here We Go Again was a mature-beyond-her-years masterwork which proved (to me, if no one else) that, hey, maybe these Disney kids were on to something. In the three years since that album, I have been a huge supporter of Demi, eagerly awaiting her big mainstream breakthrough. After a rough year for her in her personal life, Demi, almost out of nowhere, achieved just that with "Give Your Heart a Break." Picking up on my favorite trend of 2012, "Give Your Heart a Break" sounds like a light, summery pop song but is actually quite melancholic when you dig beneath the surface. A beautiful, sad love story pours out of Demi about a guy who has been damaged by past relationships and a girl desperately trying to convince him to take a chance on her. "Give Your Heart a Break" wasn't the first time Demi proved that she could hang with the Katy Perrys and Rihannas of the pop world, but it's certainly the most convincing argument that the rest of the world has finally figured this out, too.

Imaginary Boyfriends of 2012

Past Imaginary Boyfriends countdowns: 2011 2010 2009 2008

Justin Bieber

Somewhere between 2011 and 2012, The Biebz grew up and became the heir apparent to Justin Timberlake's throne as the King of Bringing SexyBack. His voice got deeper, his music grew up and his body...well, he's not the underage twink he was a mere twelve months ago.

Siwon Choi

While everyone was going nuts over Korean popstar PSY's crossover hit "Gangnam Style," the Korean who got my kimchee fermenting was actor/boyband member Siwon Choi. He's just pretty, isn't he?

Tom Daley

Somehow, even in the year that brought us Channing Tatum and company shaking their thong-covered asses in Magic Mike, Tom Daley managed to be the most gratuitously naked celebrity around. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. If I had a six-pack like that, I wouldn't wear a shirt either.

Drake

Nicki Minaj once rapped, obviously referring to Drake, "He just gotta give me that look, then the panties coming off, off." Put on his "Back That Thing Up"-sampling "Practice" in the background and not only will my panties be off, but I'll be on my back before you can say, "Mazel tov."

John Garfield

I've always known that John Garfield is sexy. I mean, I have eyes. But after a recent viewing spree of his movies--including the glorious boxing drama Body and Soul--it really hit home just how damn attractive he was. There's something about a guy who hates everyone and will probably openly sneer at you on your first meeting that speaks to me.

Jeremy Irvine

I sat through War Horse for this pretty, pretty man. And while that film wasn't as horrible as I imagined it would be, Jeremy was certainly reason enough to stick it through.

Logan Lerman

Let's just say that I wasn't mad when he briefly appeared in a gold bikini during one scene of Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Ryan Lochte

As Grace Adler said on an episode of Will & Grace about a gorgeous but not-so-bright date, "Not smart. Doesn't need to be."

Chris Messina

This tweet I wrote during an episode of The Mindy Project says it all:

One Direction

(Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson)

Last year, Zayn Malik, with his beautiful face and all-around dreaminess, made it on this list by himself. This year, the year in which One Direction took over both America and my life, I must include all of My Boys here. Unlike any other boyband, past or present, I love each of them so much and for such completely different reasons. To quote my screenplay: "I'm waiting for a man who has all the best features of the One Direction boys: Louis's wit, Harry's dimples, Niall's innocence, Liam's seriousness and Zayn's dreaminess. Sigh."

Evan Peters

After a few episodes, I realized that American Horror Story: Asylum wasn't for me. But when, in the first few minutes I was acquainted with him, Evan Peters appeared completely nude, I knew that he was definitely for me.

Cody Rhodes

My dream is still to be the Miss Elizabeth to his Randy Savage.

Tim Tebow

Everyone's favorite virgin (we're giving up on the idea that Nick Jonas is still one, right?) finally gave us a reason to care about football. Straight guys hate him because apparently he's not a very good player. I could care less because who gives a shit about talent when he has muscles like that?

Teen Wolf Boys

(Colton Haynes, Tyler Hoechlin, Dylan O'Brien, Tyler Posey & Daniel Sharman)

As much as the One Direction boys, there is something for everyone among the cast of MTV's best show since Daria. You want a cute puppy dog who is the ideal boyfriend to most teen girls? Tyler Posey is your man. How about a rude, sneering jerk who is actually quite vulnerable underneath his standoffish exterior? Colton Haynes fits that bill. A ripped guy who doesn't like to cuddle and just wants to fuck? Calling Tyler Hoechlin. An adorable, emotionally damaged boy? I've got Daniel Sharman for you. Or, what about a cute guy who just happens to have a sarcastic sense of humor and a quip for every moment? Well, Dylan O'Brien is mine, so you're on your own with that one.

In What Direction Will One Direction Go?

I spend a lot of time thinking about One Direction. Too much, perhaps, if you talk to some people. Due to the fact that their second album--the winkingly-titled Take Me Home--was released a couple weeks ago, and the influx of promotion they've done for this album, I've spent a bit more time than usual obsessing over My Boys. I was extremely curious about how One Direction would follow up their mega successful debut album and reassert themselves as the best boyband in the world, but, if anything, Take Me Home left me with more far more questions than answers.

First, let's get this out of the way: Take Me Home isn't as good as Up All Night. Not by a long shot. To be fair, though, this was a nearly insurmountable task from day one. While Up All Night isn't an album I would openly recommend to people who aren't already pop music fans (and even with some fans I'd be leery), it certainly fulfilled any hopes and wishes I had for the album after hearing "What Makes You Beautiful." Aside from a couple of dud ballads (I'm looking at you "More Than This" and "Moments"), Up All Night was filled with top-notch tunes, brimming with exuberance, personality and catchy hooks galore. The music was nothing but pure, instantaneous joy, the group a happy respite from scores of popstars who appear to find the whole exercise a bore until they can make something "real."

Take Me Home isn't a bad album. Far from it, actually. While it lacks a lot of the dazzle and panache of Up All Night, a few of the tracks are immediate stand-outs. "I Would," written by three members of fellow British "boyband" (they play guitars, hence the quotes, but have a good sense of humor) McFly, is the album's highlight. Via clever wordplay, "I Would" is a track that matches the exaltation of the first album while simultaneously pushing them in a more mature direction. "She's Not Afraid" also pushes into my favorite subgenre of 2012: the upbeat pop track superficially masking deep melancholy. "She's not afraid of all the attention/She's not afraid of running wild/How come she's so afraid of falling in love?" the boys, in full-on crisis mode, wail over the chorus. Future third single "Kiss You" and "C'mon C'mon" are also great tracks, but I'm a bit more hesitant in my praise for them, mainly because of how generic they sound. Sure, they are catchy and bouncy, but could they really come up with nothing other than repeating "Yeah!" in the chorus of both songs?

This a problem that plagues a lot of Take Me Home. While they never reach the generic depths of The Saturdays' recent output or Rita "I'm Not Rihanna!" Ora, the songs are a lot less personality driven this go-around. "Rock Me," which, from the beginning sounds like a "We Will Rock You" ripoff, was written and produced by Dr. Luke, but you probably wouldn't be wrong in assuming that it only fell in One Direction's lap after Maroon 5 and Katy Perry turned it down. The ballads are even more dire, mediocre at their best, snoozeworthy at their worst, and full of tiresome declarations of love to nonexistent girls. Perhaps the most frustrating thing about Take Me Home is that you can hear the boys trying to mature their sound, whether through acoustic songs or darker, heavier stylization, but none of it really quite comes together.

All of this really leads to one more question: where will the third album take the boys? Album three is the typical time when teen popstars must begin their transition into adulthood. Miley Cyrus transitioned too suddenly and alienated her fan base, no matter how brilliant the material actually was. The Biebz did it well this year while scoring the biggest hits of his career. One fears that album three will be more Ed Sheeran crap like "Little Things" which has now become their second #1 in the UK. Sheeran is not terrible in and of himself--I think "You Need Me, I Don't Need You" is a nice tune--but what he represents makes my skin crawl: "real" music about "real" things like relationships and heartbreak, drowning in acoustic guitar soul and downbeatness as if that's the only way to make "authentic" music. "Little Things" is such utter shit, I can't believe that it not only hit #1 but that anyone on the planet thought this meandering fart of a tune that goes absolutely nowhere musically (seriously, does anyone know what dynamics are or does singing everything at the same middle-of-the-road dynamic make the song more authentic?) would be a great single choice. My fourth biggest fear in life now--after spiders, being sold into illegal slavery and being forced to move back in with my parents--is that One Direction will ditch their pop sound completely and become slaves to this awful acoustic sound. The group already has two boys for this: Harry is already practically dating Ed Sheeran at this point and Niall always has a guitar with him. Liam is a wild card; he could really go either way. Possibly in favor of a more poppy sound, howevver, we have Louis, who is too sassy for acoustic crap but I seem to recall him saying his favorite song on Up All Night was one of the crap ballads, and Zayn, who likes (ugh) Chris Brown and whose voice is more suited towards pop/R&B. Take Me Home tries to accommodate everyone but struggles to find a meaningful synthesis of all the boys' musical influences, preferences and stylings. Album three will have to try much harder in this regard. But, who knows. Maybe in two years the acoustic stuff will have evolved, to use Taylor Swift as an example, from "Teardrops on My Guitar" to "Back to December." Until then, the boys can take me home any day of the week. Oh, come on, you knew that pun was coming at some point.

Half-Way Report for 2012

Best Film

01. The Cabin in the Woods (Drew Goddard)

This movie was so fucked up on so many levels, I have no idea where to even begin. The film balances dark humor and horror as well as Scream, albeit in a less self-referential way. But the real kicker is that finale which throws everything at the wall. It probably shouldn't work so well, but I found myself endlessly fascinated (and simultaneously horrified) by the spectacle.

02. The Hunger Games (Gary Ross)

03. 21 Jump Street (Phil Lord & Chris Miller)

Best Performance

01. Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games

Like Crazy is the film that turned me into a J. Law fan. The Hunger Games is what turned that love into an obsession. We all knew she could do tough, extremely focused characters--a prerequisite for Katniss Everdeen that no other young actress in Hollywood can even come close to matching Lawrence in--but The Hunger Games shows different facets of J. Law's personality that we've really only seen from her on the promotion trail. In a few moments, usually opposite Josh Hutcherson (also perfectly cast: a kid actor playing an eager-to-please contestant who knows how to get people to like him), she showed a charm and comic timing usually only seen from her on talk shows. And the flaming dress she wears while riding into the Capitol matches the fire bomb sexpot we saw at the 2010 Oscars when she wore that va-va-va voom red Baywatch dress. If we hadn't already seen it before, The Hunger Games proves that Jennifer Lawrence is the already the best actress of her generation.

02. Channing Tatum, 21 Jump Street

03. Armie Hammer, Mirror Mirror

Best Rental

01. History is Made at Night (Frank Borzage)

Married to a neurotic, possessive millionaire, Jean Arthur flees and falls in love with a charming Charles Boyer. Borzage, a well-kept secret of the studio era, keeps what could have been a farfetched, hand-ringing melodrama subtle and low-key, while Arthur, best known today for her Capra comedies, proves that she was as versatile an actress as any of her more well regarded contemporaries.

02. Metropolitan (Whit Stillman)

03. Possession (Andrzej Zulawski)

04. When Harry Met Sally... (Rob Reiner)

05. Sadie Thompson (Raoul Walsh)

Best Song

01. Lana Del Rey "Off to the Races"

Any initial skepticism I had about Ms. Del Rey was quickly erased after hearing this song. Lush, incredibly rich, and emotionally devastating, "Off to the Races" is five minutes of beautiful catharsis.

02. Nicki Minaj "Starships"

03. Dragonette "Let It Go"

04. Demi Lovato "Give Your Heart a Break"

05. Avicii "Levels"

Best Album

01. Justin Bieber, Believe

The teen sensation wisely matures while keeping an eye on the young fans who got him where he is. Easily the best teen pop album since Miley's Can't Be Tamed (and a perfect counterpoint on how to grow up from your teenage fandom without completely alienating them at the same time).

 

02. Madonna, MDNA

03. Kris Allen, Thank You Camellia

04. Lana Del Rey, Born to Die

05. fun., Some Nights

Best Music Video

01. One Direction "One Thing"

With music video budgets, especially those of young, up-and-coming artists, continuously getting slashed, artists have to be creative with the little money they have. None of One Direction's video have been what you'd call "big budget," but with "One Thing," they have finally found the perfect outlet to display their massive personalities. Punctuated with tiny, adorable moments (the choreographed "dance", Zayn's adorable head bob behind Louis), the "One Thing" video succinctly shows the One Direction boys as the adorable, ridiculous fellas we know them as.

02. Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"

03. Foster the People "Color on the Walls (Don't Stop)"

04. Madonna "Girl Gone Wild"

05. Madonna featuring M.I.A. & Nicki Minaj "Give Me All Your Luvin'"

Hottest (New) Guys

01. The Teen Wolf Boys

There's a reason "Have sex with all of the Teen Wolf boys" is number three on my bucket list.

02. Drake

03. Cody Rhodes

04. Jeremy Irvine

05. Clint Mauro

Top 10 Albums of 2011

But What About...: The most acclaimed album of the year, Adele's 21, was a major improvement over her debut and featured six or seven killer tracks. But, in all honesty, a good portion left me completely cold. Maybe 23 will be the album where it all comes together for me...Rihanna's Talk That Talk had the best opening three songs of any album released this year. The rest of the album: miserable, monotonous "jams" about how horny Rihanna is. We all know you can do better, Miss Fenty.

The Also-Rans: Kelendria Rowland finally released her long-delayed Here I Am, and it proved to be far better than I expected...Kelly Clarkson's Stronger has many high points, but 18 tracks is far too long for any album to sustain greatness. Cut about five songs and this would have been a far greater album...Alexis Jordan's Alexis Jordan was certainly a pleasant debut. Nothing groundbreaking, mind you, but she has charm and personality to spare...My most anticipated album of the year, Demi Lovato's Unbroken, also proved to be one of the strangest. Her bizarre attempts to become a generic pop star are embarrassing to say the least. Thankfully, though, the album's second half shines, with deeply felt ballads and exciting, emotional uptempo tracks. This is the Demi we want on album number four, thank you very much.

The Top 10 Albums of 2011

10. Cher Lloyd, Sticks + Stones

The X-Factor Princess (she doesn't want to be the Queen) wasn't as sanitized as I figured she would be on her debut album. It's not perfect, but it establishes the Cher Lloyd identity very well.

Three Moments:

- The post-chorus breakdown at the very end of "Swagger Jagger"

- The mix of rap and pop in "Playa Boi." Everything that's great about Cher in one song.

- "I'm the princess, I don't want to be the queen." The perfect summation of Cher's persona in "Grow Up"

09. Nicola Roberts, Cinderella's Eyes

Although not my favorite album of the year, I feel like this is one Girls Aloud solo album we will be looking back at fondly in years to come.

Three Moments:

- The final "Please don't/Break my porcelain hearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt" on "Porcelain Heart"

- The "Ding dong" intro to "Gladiator"

- The Diplo production on "Beat of My Drum". Audacious way to start an album and a campaign. Who is this woman?

08. Foster the People, Torches

The most welcome surprise of the year. Indie music done with a pop sensibility. It's not Britney, but it doesn't shy away from big choruses, either.

Three Moments:

- The quiet mysteriousness of "Pumped Up Kicks". I still couldn't tell you what this song is about.

- Whistling on "Don't Stop (Color on the Walls)". More songs should have whistling.

- "And every daaaaay that you wanna waste." Surprisingly epic chorus in "Waste."

07. Frankmusik, Do It in the AM

Oh Vincent. Why didn't this album make you the household name you should be? Many accused him of selling out, but if "selling out" sounds as glorious as this album does, a lot more popstars should do it.

Three Moments:

- The chorus of "Running." That beat makes it feel like you are running, or at least like you should be.

- His blazing chemistry with Colette Carr on "No I.D." I've said it before and I'll say it again: one of the best genuine duets in ages.

- "We Collide." Now that's an album opener. What a defining statement of his new sound.

06. Natalia Kills, Perfectionist

Is she trying a bit hard to channel Gaga circa the Fame Monster era? Perhaps. But can you think of a better era to channel Gaga? Besides, Natalia still manages to build her own persona through her referencing.

Three Moments:

- The easy breeziness of the opening to "Kill My Boyfriend": "I'm rolling the dice, got the wind in my hair/I'm gonna kill my boyfriend." Killer (ha!) contrast.

- The sound of "Mirrors."

- "Wanna be like Midas/But my bank account is minus." The wordplay on "Free" is fun and clever as hell.

05. Same Difference, The Rest is History

Everyone's Favorite Loveable, Slightly Incestuous Brother & Sister Pop Act came roaring back with the follow-up to their ingenious debut Pop. Not only have they updated their image, but their sound is a good deal more mature. This duo obviously knows their shit when it comes to pop music.

Three Moments:

- "Karma Karma" is a three minute orgasm of pop perfection.

- The moodiness and vocal distortion on "Souled Out" is unlike anything Sean & Sarah have done before. No surprise, it works.

- For once, Sean gets the lead vocals on "Best Mistake" and absolutely nailed it. Snaps for you, sir.

04. One Direction, Up All Night

This is the album I wanted from these boys and more. I can't stop listening.

Three Moments:

- "If only you saw what I could see/You'd understand why I want you so desperately" from "What Makes You Beautiful." One of the most heartwarming lyrics I've heard in ages. Seriously.

- The heavy, RedOne-esque dance club feel of "Save You Tonight."

- "It's everything about you, you, you/The way you make it feel new, new, new" from "Everything About You."

03. Selena Gomez & The Scene, When the Sun Goes Down

The future of pop music matures her sound even further from her last album. When did the also-ran of Disney's princesses become the best?

Three Moments:

- "My Dilemma." It became the song people associate with me for a reason.

- The bridge in "Whiplash." The way she says, "Hello, darling" makes me love her even more than I already did.

- "And I keep hitting repeat-peat-peat-peat" from "Love You Like a Love Song."

02. Beyoncé, 4

Not going to lie, it took ages to get into this album, but 4 was ultimately worth the wait. Finally, Beyoncé stopped phoning it in with her albums. This is an incredible tribute to 90's-era R&B.

Three Moments:

- I could jam out to "Rather Die Young" all day long, singing hardcore into my remote control while imagining it was a microphone. "I'd rather die than live, and, OH!"

- The actual countdown in "Countdown."

- "Who needs a degree when you're schoolin' life?" Most people need a degree, actually, but Beyoncé doesn't when she's spitting out tracks as hot and fun as "Schoolin' Life."

01. Britney Spears, Femme Fatale

Producer Dr. Luke, after the release of this album, rightly declared that Britney is "her own genre" of music. If there was an album to prove that, Femme Fatale is it. Can you imagine anyone else singing these songs?

Three Moments:

- The hard verse/soft chorus contrast in "Hold It Against Me". This proved to be 2011's most imitated musical trend.

- "Sh-sh-shame on me/To need release" and the accompanying whistling in the background on "I Wanna Go"

- "I can be your treble/Baby, you can be the bass." No one has more fun than Britney with double entendres.

My Blog is Ready to Start Kindergarten, or: Rants of a Diva Turns Five Years Old

On this very day in 2007, I was sitting in my dorm room, indulging in my latest obsession: reading film blogs. As a freshman in college, I had quickly learned how to be as unproductive as possible, and keeping up with these blogs was the perfect way to kill time when I should have been writing a paper. On this fateful night, however, a thought suddenly occurred to me: "Hey, I can write just as well as these people. And I have a ton of ideas. Why don't I start a blog of my own?" It was then that Rants of a Diva was born.

And now it's five years later. Wow, where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was defending Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. So, to celebrate this momentous occasion, I have decided to do something a little different. I listed my five favorite things in a host of different, entirely random categories. It's a bit silly, sure, but what do you expect from this oddball section of the interweb? 

EDIT: So it turns out I'm a complete retard and my blogiversary was on the 29th of January. Let's just pretend it's today, okay?

Five Actresses I Can Watch in Anything

01. Bette Davis

02. Anne Hathaway

03. Marilyn Monroe

04. Norma Shearer

05. Judy Garland

Five Favorite Working Directors

01. Arnaud Desplechin

02. Spike Lee

03. Andrea Arnold

04. Judd Apatow

05. Michael Moore

One Direction Members, From Fave to Least Fave

01. Zayn

02. Liam

03. Harry

04. Niall

05. Louis

Five Favorite Classic Boyband Songs

01. O-Town "All or Nothing"

02. *NSYNC "Tearin' Up My Heart"

03. Backstreet Boys "As Long As You Love Me"

04. Take That "Back For Good"

05. 98 Degrees "The Hardest Thing"

Five Favorite ABBA Album Tracks

01. "Disillusion"

02. "As Good As New"

03. "Tiger"

04. "Bang-A-Boomerang"

05. "Me and I"

Five Favorite Moments in Spice World

01. "This dress is dry clean only, Melanie!"

02. The Alien Encounter

03. "AND I'M VICTORIA, MALCOLM!"

04. Mel C. rolling her eyes every time Geri shares some useless knowledge with the group

05. The Bomb on the Bus

Five Favorite Best Supporting Actor Nominees (Non-Winners)

01. Claude Rains, Casablanca

02. Richard Widmark, Kiss of Death

03. Sal Mineo, Rebel Without a Cause

04. Al Pacino, The Godfather

05. Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Five Things I Admire About Lady Gaga

01. The way she makes every music video an Event.

02. How quickly she has matured her sound (even if I don't necessarily like where it has gone).

03. The way she has made the label "pop artist" a compliment rather than a criticism.

04. Her work ethic. Girlfriend never stops doing it all.

05. Her ability to manipulate convince her fans that she has invented many of the elements of her persona that she has borrowed from/expanded upon other pop icons.

Five Reality Shows That Have Had a Profound Impact on My Life

01. Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica

02. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

03. American Idol

04. Hey Paula!

05. Jersey Shore

Five Favorite Lesbians

01. Ellen DeGeneres

02. Wanda Sykes

03. Tabatha Coffey

04. Jane Lynch

05. Suze Orman

Five Things I Want to Accomplish in 2012

01. Find a job that doesn't make me want to stab people

02. Finish my screenplay (The Single One, coming soon to a theatre near you)

03. Try yoga

04. Interview a celebrity

05. Meet One Direction

Top 50 Songs of 2011, Part 2

Read part one here.

20. Britney Spears "Criminal"

Britney and ballads usually don't mix, or at least they haven't since "Every Time". But "Criminal" is perhaps the first ballad of Britney's career that caters to her vocal stylings instead of the other way around. Bonus points for that flute solo.

19. The Wanted "Lose My Mind"

"Lose My Mind," a melancholic, mid-tempo ballad a good deal more mature and emotive than you would expect from "just a boyband," was the first song from The Wanted that truly clicked with me (so of course it's the only single of theirs that didn't even land in the Top 20 in the UK).

18. Jennifer Lopez featuring Pitbull "On the Floor"

"It's a new generation," J. Lo sings over the intro to this RedOne-produced jam, alluding to the fact that a whole generation has come and gone since the last time she's been a popstar (I mean, I didn't even have my driver's license the last time she had a Top 10 hit). With its swift tempo changes, contrasts between hard dance and soft, breathy pop and an accordion melody, "On the Floor" proved that J. Lo still has what it takes to keep up with the Gagas and Rihannas of the pop world.

 

17. Taylor Swift "Back to December"

Taylor usually comes off as a whiny, mopey lesbian who spends far too much time thinking about her feelings and crying. However, "Back to December," allegedly about her "relationship" with Taylor Lautner, is her first ballad that comes off as a mature piece of work, rather than mediocre poetry from a 16-year-old. The line "You gave me roses/And I left them there to die" is filled with more melancholy and bitter regret than most songs can muster in three and a half minutes.

16. The Wanted "Lightning"

With "All Time Low" and "Glad You Came" before, and now "Lightning", it is readily apparent that when The Wanted and Ed Drewett get together, magic happens. Taking a cue from the unexpected contrast between hardness and softness in Britney's "Hold It Against Me," "Lightning" is The Wanted's most ingenious song to date and further proof that this group's success is not a fluke.

15. Nicki Minaj "Girls Fall Like Dominoes"

Nicki manages on "Girls Fall Like Dominoes," without the crutch of imagining herself as a boy (á la "Like a Boy," "If I Were a Boy" or "Do It Like a Dude"), to deliver a powerful, "if the boys can do it, why can't I?" message with her usual off-the-wall flow. She also manages the near impossible feat of name checking both the Kardashians and Kristin Cavallari without looking like she's trying too hard.

14. Nicola Roberts "Beat of My Drum"

Now this is how you launch a solo career after being a part of a mega successful girl group for nearly a decade. Instead of giving a fuck about how commercial this song is, Nicola hired a producer better known for urban and club music to create the sound she was looking for. Combined with the most infectious and catchy school yard chant since "Hollaback Girl," "Beat of My Drum" is the best (and most successful) experiment of the year.

13. Adele "Rolling in the Deep"

Although it became impossible to avoid on both sides of the Atlantic, "Rolling in the Deep" doesn't get any less amazing the 500th time you hear it. It's the kind of mind-blowing pop anthem that comes along only a couple times a decade and should be treasured as such.

12. Lady Gaga "The Edge of Glory"

The 99 cents I paid for Gaga's Born This Way album was just for this song. Whereas most of that album was an ugly, monotonous mess, "The Edge of Glory" is a reminder of how good Gaga can be when she's not trying so hard to be an artsy, edgy artiste. In many ways, this is a throwback to the sonic and emotional overload that was "Bad Romance".

11. Hurts "Sunday"

"Sunday" is an achingly sad song, disguised with as fast of a tempo as you're likely ever to get from the notoriously gloomy British duo. The contrast is jarring, but only makes the song that much more fascinating.

10. Rihanna "S&M"/Rihanna featuring Britney Spears "S&M (Remix)"

What a lot of people failed to understand about this song is that S&M is not about the whipping, the tying up and the gagging. It is more about control and trusting your partner. In other words, there's a world of difference between your popstar boyfriend beating the shit out of you in a car and leaving you for dead (for example) and having someone you love and trust tie you to a bed and whip you. "S&M" is Rihanna taking back control of her life from past demons. The fact that it's a candy-coated pop song summarizes what was so brilliant about the Loud era--the combination of the darkness of Rated R with the commerciality of Good Girl Gone Bad. The remix is admittedly frivolous, and the production is wonky at best, but it's so much damn fun I can't resist. I still feel pangs of excitement every time I hear Britney's inimitable voice growl, "Na na na, come on!"

09. Adele "Set Fire to the Rain"

"Set Fire to the Rain" is the bombastic, over-the-top, shout-it-at-the-top-of-your-lungs powerballad I always knew Adele had in her. I love "Rolling in the Deep," obviously, and "Someone Like You" is a beautiful song, but this song is more suited to my taste for massive, emotional pop ballads ("Set Fire to the Rain" is up there with Céline Dion's magnum opus "It's All Coming Back to Me Now"), songs as emotional therapy (but I guess the entirety of 21 would fall under this category) and even songs with the word "fire" in them (just as this is my favorite Adele song, "Fire Bomb" is my favorite Rihanna song). Adele's throaty, gritty vocals have never sounded better, especially when she's singing, "Well it burned while I cried/'Cause I heard it screaming out your name." While 21 wasn't my cup of tea overall, it is because of songs like "Set Fire to the Rain" that I sincerely believe Adele is one of the greatest talents of our time.

 

08. Beyoncé "Best Thing I Never Had"

Aside from a new baby, girlfriend had a tough 2011. After releasing nearly every damn track off her challenging (but still brilliant) 4 album, Beyoncé couldn't land a Top 10 hit if she changed her name to Katy Gaga. I guess no one was in the mood for mid-90's R&B throwbacks (and whatever the hell you would classify "Run the World" as), which is an utter shame when they are as brilliant as "Best Thing I Never Had". The song's theme is that of a typical "I'm so glad I'm over you" anthem, but it's written from a slightly different point of view, giving it even further depth beyond B's powerhouse vocals (Which are fun to belt along with into your remote control/pretend microphone at 1 am. Not that I've ever done that).

07. Nicole Scherzinger "Don't Hold Your Breath"

I've grown to hate Nicole "Cunt" Scherzinger after her stint as judge on X-Factor US, but, as I have said before, don't hate the song, hate the singer. "Don't Hold Your Breath" is still a magnificently potent pop song, intelligently written to be an empowering "moving on" anthem with just the slightest hint of mournful sorrow about the demise of the relationship. Of course, Scherzinger's personality-free vocals have very little to do with its success, but she does deserve some credit for realizing what a great song this is.

06. Sophie Ellis-Bextor "Off & On"

While many will (deservedly) think of "We Found Love" as the Calvin Harris jam of the year, I can't rank it above Harris' underappreciated effort with the one and only Sophie Ellis-Bextor. "Off & On" has been floating around for a few years, first as a Róisín Murphy track which didn't make her album, then as an unreleased SEB demo and finally in this finished album form, and is still just as brilliant today as it was then. The fact that both Murphy and Ellis-Bextor, two immensely talented divas with two completely different styles, both managed to use this song to suit their individual styles has me curious what covers of this song by other pop divas and their favorite producers would sound like. I mean, imagine "Off & On" by Britney and Bloodshy & Avant, Nelly Furtado and Timbaland, P!nk and Dr. Luke or Madonna and William Orbit. The results would be all over the place, but "Off & On" is such a flexible song, you can easily imagine all of them working.

05. One Direction "What Makes You Beautiful"

I rooted for One Direction during their X-Factor days because even then I somehow knew that they were going to make music that I was going to appreciate and love. But when "What Makes You Beautiful" came out, they completely blew my expectations away. The title makes it sound like a dreary, completely clichéd mid-tempo boyband track, so color me surprised when I discovered it was the most cheery, sunny, peppy pop song you could ever hope for. Lyrics such as "If only you saw what I could see/You'd understand why I want you so desperately" sound like complete hokum, but the One Direction boys deliver them with such immense joy and earnestness, you begin to believe it. In other words, my new dream in life is for a boy to sing this song to me to proclaim his love for me (the boy in this dream may or may not be Zayn Malik). "What Makes You Beautiful" is the kind of song that makes you wish for something as ridiculous like that and doesn't make you feel ashamed about it after the song has ended. If that's not the definition of a perfect pop song, I don't know what is.

04. Eric Saade "Popular"

Saade is very hit or miss, as evidenced by the success of this year's Saade Vol. 1 album and the utter shittiness of Vol. 2 just a few months later. When he hits, as he does with his Eurovision entry "Popular," there are few male popstars in the world who can match him. There's nothing especially noteworthy about either the lyrics or the message of "Popular," both of which are pretty standard fare as far as dance-pop tracks go. But there is something in Saade's delivery, particularly in the last minute of the song where things go absolutely off the rails and Saade is wailing and crying and singing his heart out, that elevates this song to classic status. Saade may not have won Eurovision with this song, but he certainly won a fan in me.

03. Rihanna "Man Down"

The fact that "Man Down," Rihanna's farewell to the Rated R era in both theme and tone, was ever released as a single completely surprised me (although I wasn't as surprised by its underperformance on the charts). I can see why this song wouldn't appeal to Rihanna fans who are fond of her lighter, dancier stuff, but it's because of songs like "Man Down," where she is willing to skirt commerciality in order to express a darker, less digestible idea, that I'm such a big fan of hers in the first place. Now that she has the success and the credibility to back her up, she is up for trying anything, even if that involves a pseudo-reggae styling and her most pronounced Bajan accent ever featured on one of her songs. But the real power of "Man Down" is around the three minute mark where Rihanna completely descends into reggae territory and starts slurring words in her own, special way. Not many commercial artists would be willing to push their sound that far outside the box, but Rihanna does it without breaking a sweat.

02. Britney Spears "I Wanna Go"

At this point in her career, Britney has nothing left to prove. The woman has defied expectations for years and managed to stay relevant long after many of her early counterparts have bitten the dust (yes, Floptina, I'm talking about you!). So, what else is there left for her to do but assert herself as the Queen of Pop and remind us once again why we go to her for edgy, top-notch dance songs. "I Wanna Go," with it's talk of masturbation and showing us all the dirt Britney's got running through her mind, is nothing we haven't heard before from her. But is there anyone else on the planet who can sing about such things with such complete cheeriness and without making it the filthiest fucking song you've ever heard? I talk a lot about "summer jams" and how most of the ones made today are processed to sound like immediate iTunes must haves. But "I Wanna Go" is the perfect example of how a song not immediately destined for the easiness of a lazy day on the beach can completely encapsulate that feeling. The song is reckless abandon and utter freedom with a dash of naughtiness to spice things up. And without "I Wanna Go," 2011 would have been a whole lot less fun.

01. Nicki Minaj "Super Bass"

Ignorance may be bliss, but in the case of "Super Bass," ignorance nearly cost me my number one song of the year. It wasn't until this video's premiere in April that I even knew this song, or any of the other Pink Friday bonus tracks, existed. As soon as I heard the song, I liked it enough to download it. Then I kept listening to it and I thought to myself, "Hey, I can learn that rap!". So I spent nearly a month singing along with the lyrics, hoping that one day it would sink in. And then it did, but I still couldn't get enough of this song. Now at 98 plays on my iTunes--the only song that ranks higher is Girls Aloud's "Biology"--I can safely assume that I will never be tired of "Super Bass". Usually, I'm not a big fan of when Nicki does raps outside of her Roman ego, but "Super Bass" is the very notable exception to this rule, as she doesn't need that flamboyant, in-your-face arrogance to make this song work. "Super Bass" is a pop song through and through, with the only difference being, obviously, that Nicki raps her verses. Everything about "Super Bass" is a pure joy to listen to; I know I certainly perk up whenever I hear the opening notes come on my iTunes. Sure, it's not the deepest, most intricate rap Nicki has ever done, but how can you argue with the authoritative way she boasts, "Somebody please tell 'em who the eff I is" or her annunciation on, "You're slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh!"? Nicki sells this song like the star that she is, making this the year we found a popstar in a hopeless place.