New York Goes to Hollywood, You Skanky Ass Bitch

Did anyone catch the premiere of Tiffany "New York" Pollard's new VH1 reality show New York Goes to Hollywood? I understand that she's very divisive and most people can't even stand to look at her, but I think she's one of the smartest and most fascinating reality stars. Plus, she's one of the funniest actresses on TV right now (I believe this so much that I think she should have been nominated for an Emmy...seriously). On her new show, New York is trying to break into acting and wants to start being taken seriously. After last night's premiere, good luck with that. Here are 5 things I loved about last night's episode:

1. The theme song is Little Jackie's "The World Should Revolve Around Me," which Glenn at Stale Popcorn introduced on his blog about a month ago. It's my favorite song of the moment and the perfect choice for Miss New York.

2. The scene where she's hiring assistants to take her to the top had me dying of laughter. I loved it when she yelled at the first candidate, with the most hilarious annunciation ever, "Get off my property, you skanky ass bitch!" I was also fond of the moment when she nearly choked on her drink when she found out that the second candidate didn't believe in pre-marital sex. She prolonged it so long and was so over-the-top about it that it somehow worked perfectly for her. Her send off number two was also amazing: "She was wearing a sailor outfit but I know that bitch don't own no damn boat!"

3. If you ever want to know how I am when I'm working out, just watch the scene where New York does a "bootcamp" style workout and starts complaining five minutes in and has no desire to do any of the hard work to is required to have a "Hollywood" body. "I have to come back again?!"

4. The monologue she chose to perform was probably the most horrible thing I've ever heard. New York turned it into a comedic sketch, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it was written as a dramatic piece. Either way, it was completely dreadful. No wonder all the casting agents left before she came down to greet them.

5. Sister Patterson is coming! I was worried she wouldn't make an appearance on this show, but, lo and behold, in the preview for the season, she comes to lend "moral support" to her daughter during a voiceover audition and is wreaking havoc on everyone around her. YES! I seriously can not wait for more of this divalicious woman.

Miss New York is Back!

Great news! In fact, it's the best news ever: The lovely and charming Miss New York's (aka Tiffany Pollard) new reality show has been confirmed by VH1! On this new show, instead of looking for love, New York will be looking for her big acting break in Hollywood. No news yet on whether Tailor-Made (the winner of I Love New York 2) or Sister Patterson will appear on this new show, but I'm hoping they will for maximum dramatic effect. I'm not sure whether New York's success as a reality television superstar will translate well into an acting career, but my third eye is telling me that the journey there will be one hell of an exciting time!

Seven People Over For Dinner

Here’s the definitive answer to the question “If you could invite seven people, living or dead, over for dinner, who would you pick and why?”

1. Bette Davis- The Queen Diva Bitch of Hollywood. What dinner would be complete without Bette regaling the guests with stories of how she fought her way to the top of Hollywood and didn’t take anyone’s shit?

2. Jake Gyllenhaal- Every dinner needs some eye candy. I just hope Bette isn’t too forward and propositions him early on. That might be a little awkward.

3. Jennifer Hudson- I love this woman to death. She is immensely talented and humble to the extreme. We also have something in common: we don’t like to drive. I feel so much closer to her.

4. Dame Judi Dench- Royalty is always appreciated, especially when it is someone as wonderful as the ever regal Dame Judi Dench. I just hope she doesn’t get offended and cut somebody.

5. Tiffany Patterson (New York’s Mom)- Maybe she can get some private lessons from Bette Davis to become an even bigger bitch on “I Love New York”. Yes please.

6. Oprah- I really don’t want to die by her ninja assassins, so I would definitely give her an invite. But it’s not as if I wouldn’t invite her over anyways. Oprah is pretty much God. Hopefully she will bring her lesbian…I mean best friend Gail over too. I LOVE OPRAH!

7. Judy Garland- This bitch is damn talented and oh-so-tragic. I can’t think of anyone on this planet who can put as much emotion into every song as Judy does. Hopefully she’ll sing a couple of songs between dinner and dessert (and maybe a duet with J. Hud?!).

Who would you invite to dinner? Leave me your answers in the comments!