Thursday, September 1, 2011

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #96 Andy Roddick

96. Andy Roddick
Occupation: Athlete (Tennis)
Nationality: American
Age: 29
Best Known For: Formerly the #1 tennis player in the world. Held the record for the fastest serve (155 mph) between 2004 and 2011.

Joining me once again is Dave. I should mention that when I asked people to help me with this project, they picked solely on the guys and not based on rankings. So that is the reason why you've heard from Dave in three of the first five entries. There will be a lot of diverse contributors coming up so don't fret. For now, soak up Dave's awesomeness as we talk about this all-star athlete.

Dame James: When did you first encounter Andy and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Dave: I've always been a tennis fan, since before I understood what my sexuality was - since before I realised that my French teacher had breasts and that the thing between my legs was actually worth more than piss. (Feel free to edit that bit out.) I've always had a rather shallow tendency to pick favourites by appearance, though, so Andy was always a favourite because he was so handsome. I don't think I realised my reasoning at the time. So I suppose Andy was, vaguely at least, part of my sexual awakening, someone I was subconsciously attracted to before and VERY consciously afterwards.

There's the blatant sexiness of him taking off his shirt so much and having such a pert bottom - and those white tennis shorts at Wimbledon really are a godsend for those toned tennis player buttocks - and the fact that he sweats SO GODDAMN MUCH would be disgusting from anyone else, but when it's someone you like to imagine having sex with... But it's also the demeanour. He's such an All American Kid without being remotely obnoxious, such a friendly and laidback guy whatever the result without ever coming across as though he doesn't care about the sport - he's surely one of the fiercest competitors on the court - and I remember my heart bleeding on several occasions when he looked like a wounded puppy on losing a Wimbledon final. He's just a NICE GUY, which is the most direct way to my heart.

DJ: Wow. I wasn't aware Andy was so important to your sexual awakening. But I completely understand the power of those initial attractions before we completely understand our feelings. Lucky you, however, that one of your first crushes remains a total hottie! I've never been a tennis fan, nor do I have any recollection of when I first encountered Andy (maybe it was when he was dating Mandy Moore?), but I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one. And Goddamn, Andy Roddick is a very attractive fellow.

The fact that Andy plays tennis makes him even more attractive, for many of the same reasons you stated above: the shirtlessness, the sweating, the tennis-enhanced ass. Granted, I wish the shorts they wear are more like the short-shorts professional tennis players wore back in the day (I'm thinking of Farley Granger in Strangers on a Train), but I'm definitely not complaining when Andy fills them out so nicely. Another thing I love about tennis is the grunting. Can you think of another sport with such a direct link to sex (besides wrestling) as all the huffing, puffing and loud, angry noises that come out of tennis players when they are in the zone?

D: They do tend towards distressingly loose shorts these days, nothing like the skin-tight hot pants and knitwear they used to sport. But still, I think seeing players like Andy and Rafa Nadal pick at their butt cracks all the time more than makes up for that. From what I remember Andy doesn't really grunt much, definitely not in comparison to other players. But you're right, of course - a baseline rally can basically sound like two guys going at it. It's a good thing I've never seen Andy and Nadal play each other...

One delectable aspect of Andy's play is what he does when he serves - he bends his knees really quite low, which means that his ass sticks out to extraordinary extremes - watch any video of him playing and you'll see! It really is a sight to behold.

DJ: I don't follow tennis, but I've heard that Andy hasn't been doing as well lately on the court. Do you think his new wife has cursed him? If this was Salem circa the 17th century, I'd be chanting "Witch, witch, witch!"

D: Women are really an unnecessary distraction to sportsmen. The locker room exists for a reason. Keep all that stuff in there, guys, and let me put a camera in there.

DJ: A lot of porn takes place in locker rooms. If this whole tennis thing doesn't work out, Andy definitely has a bright future ahead of him in that profession. And he'll have all that practice from actually being in a locker room that often.
Andy dated Mandy Moore back in the day. Which of today's pop princesses would you like Andy to hook up with (we're ignoring that he's married in this instance)?
D: It blatantly has to be Ke$ha. His sweat and her bags of glitter are a match made in heaven.

Andy & The Glitter Trash Diva: A match made in heaven?
DJ: I was totally going to say Ke$ha, too! That thing about great minds must be true.

So, in this post, we talked about short-shorts, asses, grunting, locker room sex, sweating and breathing heavily. Well done on us for our in depth sexualizing of tennis! And we didn't even make obvious references to smacking some balls around!

D: Smacking some balls around? That's just disgustingly crass, James. Too far.

Eh, it's never too crass in these parts! So how do you all feel about Andy? Do you want to smack some balls around with him? I want a taste of that powerful serve, if you know what I mean.

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