My Inner Monologue During Twilight Saga: New Moon on Two Different Occasions

Thursday, 11/19, Midnight Screening: "OMG, here we go! Stewart, Kendrick and Lautner Abs, please don't let me down...Wait, did I stumble into the wrong theatre? We're less than a minute in and it looks like Chris Weitz is actually attempting to be artistic in some way with this dream sequence. I mean, this is not Ingmar Bergman or anything, but it's definitely a far cry from Hardwicke's Twilight. I guess I'll have to look for something else to make fun of. Based on the first film, this should take another 45 seconds max...Oh good, Robert Pattinson is arriving at school. In slow motion. This should be hilarious...Wow, that actually wasn't too embarrassing. Weitz and Pattinson actually seemed to be letting loose and having fun at the expense of Edward Cullen. Is there hope for this film? Damn, that kiss between Edward and Bella was steamy; I think Pattinson just came in his pants. And now Lautner has arrived to make this triangle complete. I love that he has skipped class just to come across town to Bella's school just to give her a birthday present. Way to endorse truancy! Lautner's now going for the hug with Bella and...goddamn! Did you see that look he shot at Pattinson? It was basically the equivalent to Beyoncé's threatening 'Try me, bitch!' in Obsessed...I'm impressed at how well the screenwriter and Weitz have condensed the bloated, blundering novel this is based on. Even in comparison with Twilight, which highlighted the wrong sections of the novel and actually made it seem longer, New Moon feels much swifter (Seriously, the novel spends 100+ pages following a mopey, epically depressed Bella in a series of repetitive scenes and internal thoughts that feel endless. I am forever grateful that in the film they condensed that Ben-Hur-sized section into one--beautifully done, I must add--long take that lasts not more than 90 seconds)


"HOLY SHIT. Lautner just took of shirt! If you can ignore that hideous wig on his head, this is absolutely perfect...He's walking around shirtless in the rain. I, uh, um, I, er...Is it hot in here or just me? Bella, how can you just stand there and not bounce on the boy?! You have way more self control than I ever could...And now he's in your bedroom, shirtless, sitting on your bed, practically inviting you to ride him like a bronco? Bitch, why are you just standing there? I, uh...(This is probably the point where I melted into my chair and nearly passed out. The girl sitting next to me asked if I was okay while my friend Megan started fanning me. I think I can honestly understand all of those women in the 1920's losing their shit over Rudolph Valentino). Whew, that was a close one. Lautner and Stewart are ever so close to locking lips. Come on, DO IT. I don't care if it's not in the fucking book, DEFY IT. The book is a piece of shit anyways. Come on, come on, so close...FUCKING TELEPHONE AND FUCKING EDWARD. How dare you ruin it! Lautner and Stewart muster more palpable sexual tension than you ever could with her, you soggy British wimp.


"Now Bella is off to save her precious Edward and I, officially, don't really care anymore. Blah blah Volturi blah blah grand theft auto blah blah...Haha, I love that after watching Taylor's glorious abs for the last hour, the audience has turned against Pattinson's naked torso. I literally hear boos coming from people in the audience. This makes me so happy...Here comes Dakota Fanning trying to win that ever elusive Oscar. Out of everyone on the cast, she, of course, takes this shit way more seriously than necessary. Sorry D, I don't think you'll be hearing your name come Oscar nomination morning...The film finally ends with a semi-showdown between Edward and Jacob where Edward, the big limped-dick pussy he is, thanks Jacob for protecting Bella while he was off being a whiny emo bitch. Jacob, thankfully, refuses his thanks and instead basically calls out Edward's douche-ness...I think I'm on Team Jacob now." B-

Friday, 12/4, 9:40 Showing: "OH MY GOD. GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT! Why is this film dragging so much more than last time? Lousy scene after lousy scene is just floating by in front of me and I am gleaning absolutely nothing from it. The motive of each scene is important, but the putrid dialogue is nothing more than an awful excuse for writing. Who the Christ talks like that? Certainly not any teenagers I know. And, my God, could Stewart and Pattinson be any f-ing stiffer in the break-up scene? They are standing about 20 feet apart, stiffer than Pattinson's dick when watching Lautner take off his shirt and do nothing but stare at each other. I feel like I'm trapped in one of those awful D.W. Griffith silent Victorian melodramas where the romantic leads look into each others eyes for endless amounts of time and a simple blink or lifting of the hand is supposed to reveal excessive amounts of emotion...Bella, I simply can not feel sorry for you. You have two men in your life, one is a sexy mofo with a slight sense of humor and the other, if nothing else (and I do mean nothing: he's not charming, funny, interesting or cute), is quite devoted to you, willing to risk their lives and happiness just to appease you and I can't even get a boy to ask me out. Oh yeah Bella, you have it so rough.


"Why does everyone take this damn film so seriously? The plot is incredibly idiculous, rife with obvious clichés and eye-rolling moments and yet everyone on the cast and crew treats it like grand drama or, worse yet, end-of-the-world tragedy. New Moon could be great camp and a lot easier to swallow if everyone just let loose and had some fun with the material. This is why I generally hate blockbusters and what I found so refreshing about Star Trek. That wasn't a perfect film but it understood that the whole premise is silly and had a good time playing it for laughs. Thankfully we have Anna Kendrick (who is possibly even more fun as Jessica than she was in Twilight and whose line reading of "Movies with Bella? Fun" is an immediate classic--I literally almost ROFL'ed in the theater) and Michael Sheen (if his role didn't seem so pointless in the grand scheme of things, I might consider him for a Best Supporting Actor Diva Cup) to liven things up and adds dollops of humor whenever they come on-screen. Honestly, thank you. I don't think I could have made it through this time without you. Your muffin baskets are in the mail." C-