Half-Way Report 2010

Top 2 Films
I could add Un Prophète, Shutter Island and Toy Story 3 for an even five, but, in all honesty, the only movies that have mattered this year so far were:

02. Prodigal Sons

Kimberly Reed's documentary about the relationship between herself, a post-op transgendered woman trying to reconcile her past as a boy, and her adopted brother who suffers from mental problem after an accident injures his brain is more surprising than a M. Night Shyamalan film. Just when you think you've figured out what Prodigal Sons is about, Reed offers curveball after curveball so extraordinary you can't make it up.

01. Fish Tank

Between Red Road and this, it's obvious that director Andrea Arnold has a thing for isolated, emotionally distant female protagonists. Katie Jarvis is the young woman here and, along with Arnold, she is lead down a confusing path of familial relationships and sexuality with no outlet other than her dancing. Fish Tank was the first 2010 film I saw and nothing I've seen has come close to matching it. The issues the film raises are issues no other filmmaker even considers and is done with sheer intelligence.

Top 5 Performances
05. Tahar Rahim, Un Prophète
Rahim subtly and unassumingly ingratiates himself into the prison and its structure to the point where you barely even notice until he practically runs the place.
04. Anne Hathaway, Valentine's Day
Meet Annie Hathaway, Comedic Firestorm. I was nearly in tears every time her storyline came on. And that Russian accent!
03. James Marsden, Death at a Funeral
His scene stealing turn as a drugged-out funeral attendee saved this remake from sheer stupidity.
02. Kristen Stewart, The Runaways
The vocal inflections are pure Kristen but physically she inhabits the hulking, brooding Joan Jett. Twilight aside, she continues to prove she's an actress on the verge of a breakthrough.

01. Katie Jarvis & Michael Fassbender, Fish Tank
An on-screen pairing of epic proportions. Together, they walk a fine line between hot-blooded lust and inappropriate sexual advances.

Top 7 Rentals
This includes re-screenings which involved drastic changes of opinion.
07. Gosford Park (Robert Altman, 2001)
I don't think I quite understood what Altman was going for in this film the first go-around (I think I expected more of an out-and-out comedy). This time, however, everything made much more sense.
06. Another Woman (Woody Allen, 1988)
One of the Woodman's most unusual collaborations, this time with Queen of Indie Cinema Gena Rowlands as a cold professor who can't gauge people's true feelings towards her. As she goes about trying to reconcile this situation and discover her own inner feelings, it becomes clear that this is another fantastic Bergman homage melded with the usual Allen themes.
05. The Collector (William Wyler, 1965)
A shy, emotionally damaged young man kidnaps a young woman and holds her prisoner in his basement. Not nearly as morbid as it sounds since all he wants from her is her love. What makes The Collector so unusual is the twisted relationship Terence Stamp and Samantha Eggar develop over time and, like Fish Tank, the sexual issues the film raises. Read the fantastic book as well for even more perspective.
04. The Conformist (Bernardo Bertolucci, 1970)
A stylish take on one man's incessant desire to fit in, no matter the consequences. There's so much history stuffed into The Conformist, so much that it almost becomes integral to fully understanding the film, that it's easy to see why I didn't get this movie back in high school.
03. Tout Va Bien (Jean-Luc Godard and Jean-Pierre Gorin, 1972)
Godard and Jane Fonda unite for a spirited takedown of the political climate in early 70's France. There's no real plot to speak of and, as always, there are a lot of political monologues spoken directly into the camera, but no film since Bowling for Columbine has made me want take part in some political revolution like Tout Va Bien did. And that final long take in the grocery store is more epic than all of David Lean's work combined.
02. Applause (Rouben Mamoulian, 1929)
Groundbreaking talkie from the era of clunkers like The Broadway Melody. Read my review here.
01. The Battle of Algiers (Gillo Pontecorvo, 1966)
Intelligent in both film technique and politics, The Battle of Algiers and its call to arms against the oppression of 20th century imperialism is truly a one-of-a-kind experience.

Top 5 Singles
This was seriously hard to narrow down since there have been at least 20 phenomenal singles released already this year. I love these songs so much I can't even explain my love for them. Just click on the link and listen (if you haven't already) to experience for yourself.
05. Diana Vickers 'Once'
04. Robyn 'Dancing On My Own'
03. Janelle Monáe 'Cold War'
02. M.I.A 'XXXO'
01. Gabriella Cilmi 'On a Mission'

Top 5 Bonus Tracks, B-Sides, Remixes and Assorted Non-Singles
05. Kris Allen 'Let It Be'
This was my contribution to the Haiti relief. Easily a more accomplished cash-in on that tragedy than 'We Are the World' and 'Everybody Hurts.'
04. Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart 'Cherry Bomb'
Surprisingly addictive given the fact Dakota and Kristen are hardly singers. I suppose that doesn't matter since punk rock doesn't exactly require a Whitney Houston voice. Still, their version of 'Cherry Bomb' has enough bite to make every other Girl Power anthem in the past few years look as antiquated as a 50's housewife.
03. Alex Gardner 'Heartbreak'
Not sure if this will be a future single but any doubt about whether Gardner could enter the super-stylized world of Xenomania was erased after this gorgeous song.
02. Britney Spears 'Telephone'
Not superior to the GaGa version by any means, and it loses points for not having the Beyoncé verse, but Brit's demo version of 'Telephone' from the Circus days is so Britney. Her growl is so distinctive and proves to be a real asset in making this version work. Now if someone can get a proper recording with Beyoncé, my life would be complete.
01. Florrie 'Call 911 (Fred Falke Remix)'
An electropop masterpiece. Florrie, current drummer for the Xenomania houseband, with the help of Fred Falke, turns this simple pop tune into a 7 minute epic dancefloor piece. Can't wait to hear what she cranks out next.

Top 5 Albums
05. Ke$ha Animal
What I love most about Ke$ha is that she seems to understand and accept who she is as an artist. Animal doesn't pretend to be anything but the drunken party album it is. And for that I'm grateful.
04. Miley Cyrus Can't Be Tamed
Miley's big FUCK YOU to Disney and her former life as a tween star only gets better for me. Glad to see that's she finally starting to embrace the pop goddess inside of her.
03. Kelis Flesh Tone
The R&B singer embraces the electropop for a stunning change of pace from Tasty years ago.
02. Alphabeat The Spell/The Beat Is...
This is Alphabeat was their throwback to the 80's. The Spell/The Beat Is... is Alphabeat's throwback to Ace of Base-style 90's pop. Needless to say, their inspirations are simply divine and help fuel this creative, constantly arresting album.

01. Robyn Body Talk Pt. 1
It took a couple listens in a row in my car to show just how brave this album is. Not immediately accessible, Body Talk Pt. 1 proves to be entrancing once you start to understand Robyn's intention with each of her songs. And, in its oddity, it feels more like a cohesive album than many others released this year.

Top 5 Music Videos
05. Miley Cyrus 'Can't Be Tamed'
Miley ditches Disney, takes notes from Britney's complicated persona and dresses like the rare caged bird she is.
04. Rihanna 'Rude Boy'
After the darkness that surrounded both 'Russian Roulette' and 'Hard,' Rihanna lightened up quite a bit with this fun, colorful clip for what is obviously the most commercial song off Rated R.
03. Mark Ronson featuring Q-Tip and MDNR 'Bang Bang Bang'
Simultaneously a throwback to early 80's New Wave videos and a parody of crazy Japanese television.
02. M.I.A. 'Born Free'
As frightening and vivid as a film like Children of Men. She also gets points for understanding how to intersperse a 3 minute song into a 9 minute video (something Lady GaGa should take notes on).
01. Alphabeat 'DJ (I Could Be Dancing)'
In the same way that Nelly Furtado's 'Say It Right' video does, the whole of 'DJ (I Could Be Dancing)' is greater than the sum of its parts. Nothing about each individual set up is particularly unique, even if it does have a great neo-80's feel. But, collectively, the images add up to a particularly arresting video. I can't quite put my finger on why, but 'DJ (I Could Be Dancing)' is a video I can watch over and over again without growing bored.

Top 3 Obsessions
03. Setsuko Hara
The Japanese actress impressed the hell out of me last summer when I saw Ozu's Tokyo Story, but two more performances in two Kurosawa flicks have proven she was an actress of incomparable talent. No Regrets for Our Youth showed her in stone-faced, taking-on-the-sins-of-the-world mode while Hakuchi was her violent, explosive Bette Davis performance.
02. Xavier Samuel
I've been in love with this Aussie hottie for awhile now, but the anticipation for his American debut in Twilight Saga: Eclipse (assessment: he doesn't let us down) was what drove me over the edge.
01. Nicholas Hoult's Bum
I mean, have you seen it lately?

Top 5 (New) Hot Guys

05. Simon Nessman

04. Dave Franco

03. Dylan Forsberg

02. Michael Fassbender

01. Alexander Skarsgard

Top 5 Favorite Posts
05. So Many Women, So Little Time: The Sexual Politics of Up in the Air and Nine
According to these films, boys rule and girls drool.
04. My Senior Thesis: Ordinary People, Spice World, Saratoga Trunk
Some of the pieces I wrote for my senior thesis that I worked on during the past semester of school.
03. People Who Can Stop Sucking It: Katy Perry
This is still the best thing that happened during the Godforsaken ninth season of American Idol.
02. Ten Essential Film Performances of the 2000's
Julianne Moore, Nicole Kidman and...La Tisdale? My strange collection of the most important performances of the past decade.
01. Actor Devotionals: Jean-Pierre Léaud
My look at the career and on-screen persona of New Wave icon, and my favorite actor, Jean-Pierre Léaud. I know a lot of people don't really know JPL beyond The 400 Blows, but this is probably my favorite piece I've ever written.

Happy Eclipse Day!

Now that is one sexy, sexy cast!

Well, boys and girls, today is the day. At 11:59 pm tonight, Twilight fanatics around the country will be piling into theatres to get their first (and most likely not last) glimpse at the latest installment in the series, Eclipse. I, of course, will be among those people like I have been for the past two movies. This probably sounds hypocritical of me since I complain about these movies every chance I get, but, in all honesty, I don't go to these midnight screenings for the movies themselves. Sure, seeing Taylor sans shirt and making fun of dumb Twi-tards going apeshit at stupid moments are both huge positives, but my excitement goes beyond that. My best friends are all Twilight fans and going out with them to these showings has become a way of celebrating our friendship. When New Moon came out last November, I was so excited I kept referring to the day as "New Moon Day" like it was some kind of holiday. Honestly, though, it did feel like a holiday: I spent all day in giddy anticipation, then a lovely dinner with my best friends and some awesome new people and, finally, the movie, which practically made me orgasm around 20 times that first time. Hell, I even made a freaking cake (red velvet, because I am clever like that)! If that doesn't sound like a great holiday celebration, I don't know what does. It was a hundred times better than Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family in which I spent the whole night in a numb, alcoholic stupor while my brother and his girlfriend laughed at my intoxication. Basically "Eclipse Day" means more to me than just a silly movie; it's a day to celebrate friendship with the people I love best. So even if you don't give a shit about Eclipse, go out and celebrate "Eclipse Day" with your best friend, your BFF, your mate or whatever you call them and do whatever you love best.

A Defense of Kristen Stewart's BAFTA Rising Star Award...About Three Months Later

I wrote this piece for a project that never got off the ground soon after the BAFTA Awards this year. I was tempted to just toss it out for its irrelevancy, but I think I say some things in here that need to be said. As a lifelong Kristen Stewart lover, I am a bit tired of having to defend her every time I open my mouth when there are so many other actors in her position that seem to get a free pass. Anyways, just ignore the fact this is old news and focus on my defense.

Kristen Stewart’s (admittedly unsurprising) win at the BAFTAs last weekend a couple months ago caused a major ruckus among “serious” film buffs, bloggers and critics. Well, I am here (also unsurprisingly) to stand up for Ms. Stewart and her win, a well-deserved one at that. First of all, let’s get one major thing out of the way: the Orange Rising Star Award is a major load of bollocks. In all honestly, if you’re going to get so upset about an award that basically amounts to the same thing as a People’s Choice Award, congratulations, you are officially the saddest person on the planet. I, for one, have better things to save my irrational hatred for (for instance, American Idol results or the Oscars).

Secondly, looking at Stewart’s competition in the category, as stiff as it was, she still deserved the damn award. No offense to Tahar Rahim, who I’m sure is wonderful in A Prophet, but in all seriousness, what does this award matter to him? As a French Arab, he has about a 5% chance of ever being in a film that receives international distribution again (let alone one with the acclaim of A Prophet). He may be fantastic in the film, but a breakthrough artist award seems a bit silly. I like Jesse Eisenberg. I adore his awkward shtick, plus he gets on my nerves less than Michael Cera does these days. But, honestly, an award for it seems too much at the moment. Give him a couple of films and let’s see if he is able to expand upon his persona in any significant way. You all know that Nicholas Hoult is my new boo. I’m truly thrilled that he is finally getting international exposure after being on the brink for oh-so-long. With that being said, however, A Single Man is seriously the least interesting performance I’ve seen from him. He is not bad in the role; rather, the role requires very little of him besides to get naked (oh how glorious that is!) and to be a lusty object of affection for both Colin Firth’s George and Tom Ford himself. If he was nominated in 2007 when series one of Skins was on the air, then I could see giving him the award for that staggering, volatile performance. And now we come to Carey Mulligan, everyone’s favorite “It Girl’ for 2009. I’ve gotten a lot of flack for not being absolutely smitten with her and her performance in An Education. I keep insisting that, yes, I do think she’s rather good in An Education and can see a bright future for her. What I don’t think, however, is that she Revolutionized Screen Acting As We Know It as many of her supporters seem to think. My God, she’s not Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. Mulligan offers a nice, pleasant, occasionally grating, performance but nothing more. Besides, wasn’t her Best Actress win enough of a compensation for not winning this silly award? Oh no. She must win every award under the sun because she is the greatest British actor around since Sir Laurence Olivier.


So what about Kristen Stewart? How about I start off with my usual list of reasons why I love her: She’s refreshingly awkward and unpolished. She couldn’t craft a sound byte to save her life. Her “Stewart-isms” are soothing for me. Her performances, Twilight aside, are risky and unexpected. Unlike most 19-year old actresses slumming it in cheap high school romantic comedies and horror movies, she revels in dark, moody works that allow her to wallow in wordless distress. I could probably go on and on, but I will stop right there. I find it ridiculous that, over and over again, I find myself defending her from Stewart-haters who can’t seem to get over the fact that she stars in Twilight, which, by golly, is consistently pretty bad but also made a shit-ton of money. As if she’s the first actress to act in a shitty, high-grossing film series solely for a nice paycheck and career exposure. “But,” I’m sure you’re arguing, “she won this award for those movies!” Yes, she did; I can’t argue with that. But, Shia LaBeouf also won this very same award two years ago after the mega success of a little film called Transformers, and no one seemed to give a shit then. Why? Because he’s a “serious” actor who is “serious” about his craft. Yeah. Everything he’s done since then--Indiana Jones, Eagle Eye, Transformers 2--has been solely for the advancement of the art form. If you’re going to discredit an actor solely on what they won for, at least do it consistently (But Shia constantly gets a free pass from everyone, for God knows whatever reason. If Kristen Stewart had done half the shit he has, she would have been crucified by now. But I digress). But, if anyone had bothered watching New Moon before they started bitching about anything and everything about it, they might have noticed that Stewart was noticeably better this go-around, much breezier and smoother than she was in the first installment. She’s not earth-shattering by any means, but, then again, she’s hardly a commercial actress meant for blockbusters. In a way, I imagine she’ll have a career much like Nicole Kidman’s once this Twilight business ends: every couple of years she’ll pop out a commercial film that will most likely not do very well at the box office, but in between she’ll flourish with risky, dark, uncommercial indies. With the potential for this, how can you not support Stewart and her Rising Star Award? She appears to be going places, but even if she crashes and burns, it will be damn interesting watching her doing it.

10 Films I'm Excited for in 2010

I realize April has now approached us, but I feel it's never too late in the year to anticipate (hopefully) good upcoming films. One thing I noticed when trying to come up with this list was that I was more drawn to run-of-the-mill studio films than any Oscar bait or prestige pictures. Also, these films are very gay; either they star a hot guy or a fabulous female. Needless to say, I think 2010 is going to be an interesting year. So, in no particular order, here are ten films I'm positively dying to see.

Special Mentions: Before we get started with the list, I have to pay a special tribute to two films I couldn't add for various reasons. The Runaways has already been released, even though it won't be anywhere near my area until this weekend. When my friends recently asked me why I wanted to see this, my response was, "Kristen Stewart, in all of her hard edged indie glory, as a drugged-out lesbian rocker is like porn for me." The Loved Ones isn't supposed to get an Australian release until summertime, so I'm not holding my breath America will get it this year (if at all). This horror film, which stars Australian hottie Xavier Samuel, received ecstatic reviews at Toronto last fall. I'm hoping that after the release of Twilight Saga: Eclipse this June, American audiences will be clamoring for more Xavier and this film will see the light of day here.

Black Swan

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis play rival ballerinas. I'm expecting a lot of bitchiness and cat fights. Plus, Sebastian Stan plays a ballerina. Hopefully in tights. I apologize in advance to whoever sees this movie with me. There will be a lot of sighing and passing out.

Burlesque

Christina Aguilera plays a "burlesque" dancer (aka stripper). Cam Gigandet plays her boyfriend. CHER PLAYS THE BURLESQUE CLUB OWNER AND A FORMER "DANCER". What self-respecting gay man isn't excited for this movie?!

The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud

Zac Efron in his first serious role. This will either be great or flop horrendously. Can't wait to see which it is.

The Eagle of the Ninth

Jamie Bell plays Channing Tatum's slave boy. Channing Tatum is Jamie Bell's master. I swore after the twin disasters of G.I. Joe and Dear John my obsession with seeing every Channing movie in theatres was going to end, but I just can not say no to this movie.

The Fighter

This is going to sound incredibly shallow (even by my admittedly low standards) but I'm primarily interested in this film for Mark Wahlberg's torso. When I saw this picture around the interweb some months ago, my ticket was already bought.

Inception

I enjoy Christopher Nolan's films, but I'm mostly excited for this eccentric cast. I just can't even imagine what Ellen Page, Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are going to do in their scenes together. Their acting styles are on totally different planets so it will be interesting to see what Nolan does with them to make it work.

The Kids Are Alright

The last time Julianne Moore played a lesbian was in The Hours. Remember how I felt about that one?

Love and Other Drugs

My Jakey and My Annie reunited after Brokeback Mountain. This sounds like Jake's most promising project in ages (probably since Brokeback) while Annie has already received rave reviews for her performance as a woman with Parkinson's Disease. As with Charlie St. Cloud, this could either be majorly good or completely bomb. Either way, I'll be there supporting my loves.

Rabbit Hole

I read the original play over the summer and, if this adaptation is done properly, Rabbit Hole will be fantastic. I love Nicole Kidman long time, so it's nice to see her once again with a strong role to sink her teeth into. Plus, Dianne Weist!

The Roommate

Leighton Meester plays a psychotic killer roommate. I'm hoping that all the energy she's been sorely lacking on Gossip Girl this season has been channeled into her performance here.

Suck On That, Haters

My Films of the 2000's: #40-21

Previous installment: #60-41


40. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Starring: Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly

Like many people, Requiem for a Dream has scarred me for life. If I was ever likely to try heroin at any point in my life, that was squashed right at the moment Jared Leto revealed his blackened arm. My God, I just think about that image and get shivers.

39. Borat (2006)
Director: Larry Charles
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen

A sociological study of Americans as they truly behave that I laughed my ass of throughout most of the runtime. How many movies can you say that about? In any ordinary studio film, Sacha Baron Cohen's schtick would have gotten old ten minutes in. Thankfully, the decision to shoot the film documentary style keeps Cohen engaging and on his toes, ready and willing to do nearly anything to get a laugh. My brother and I were nearly on the floor we were laughing so hard during the naked fight scene.

38. Julia (2009)
Director: Erick Zonca
Starring: Tilda Swinton, Kate del Castillo, Aidan Gold

Tilda Swinton is a goddess. The rest of the movie ain't too shabby either. If only all kidnap-gone-wrong movies were this exciting, unnerving and oddly touching all at the same time.

37. The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)
Director: Paul Greengrass
Starring: Matt Damon, Joan Allen, David Strathairn

I've admitted my action movie bias before, but I was able to overcome it with The Bourne Ultimatum. After the end credits starting rolling, I just sat in my seat completely dazed by what had just transpired. The film is a pure adrenaline rush--"Godard on crack" I believe I once called it--that makes its cheap imitators look calm and subdued with every jarring jump cut and the so-shaky-I-don't-know-who-I'm-following cinematography.

36. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
Director: Judd Apatow
Starring: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Catherine Keener

Judd Apatow's first film is still his best. Even at two hours, the film remains fresh and never feels bloated or overlong unlike his two follow-ups.

35. Spirited Away (2002)
Director: Hayao Miyazaki

The most beautiful animated film I've ever seen.

34. Legally Blonde (2001)
Director: Robert Luketic
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Coolidge, Luke Wilson

The moment Reese Witherspoon became a legitimate bankable star. And I've done the "Bend and Snap" way too many times even for a gay man.

33. Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
Director: Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris
Starring: Toni Collette, Greg Kinnear, Abigail Breslin, Steve Carell, Paul Dano, Alan Arkin

The little quirky indie comedy that could. I'm sure it is popular now to hate on this movie in the wake of it's immense success (hello, Juno!) but I still adore the Hoover family, their multitude of (mental and physical) crises and their bright yellow Volkswagen bus. As an added bonus, Abigail Breslin's unpretentious and unaffected performance as the eponymous Olive is one of the very few child actor performances I can stomach. And you have to give her props for pulling off that musical number; I roared with laughter when I saw this at the theatre.

32. Bright Young Things (2003)
Director: Stephen Fry
Starring: Stephen Campbell Moore, Emily Mortimer, Fenella Woolgar

If Gossip Girl had taken place in 1930's Britain, it would look exactly like Stephen Fry's Bright Young Things. Not especially deep, but the film is frivolous, fast-paced and fun, with an incredible cast consisting of old timers (Stockard Channing, Imelda Staunton) and then up-and-comers (Emily Mortimer, James McAvoy).

31. Adventureland (2009)
Director: Greg Mottola
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Kristen Wiig

Whereas Mottola's Superbad was crude, crass and balls-out funny, Adventureland is nostalgic, achingly sweet and even a bit melancholic at times. Two moments stick out for me like I had just seen the movie yesterday: the bodacious Lisa P.'s enticing dance and Kristen Stewart blankly staring out the windshield with the wind blowing through her hair while 'Don't Dream It's Over' plays dreamily over the background.


30. District 9 (2009)
Director: Neill Blomkamp
Starring: Sharlto Copley

I wanted to vomit. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to hide. I'm pretty sure I felt every possible human emotion throughout the course of District 9. I loved every minute of it.

29. WALL-E (2008)
Director: Andrew Stanton

The idea of an animated film about robot wandering a post-apocalyptic planet Earth, I must admit, was a bit of a hard sell. However, it didn't take much convincing after the Chaplinesque pathos of the first half, which I was immediately taken by. Who knew the romance of two robots could be so beautiful?

28. Bad Education (2004)
Director: Pedro Almodóvar
Starring: Gael Garcia Bernal, Fele Martinez

I seem to have a thing for movies where Gael Garcia Bernal makes out with men. That's so unlike me, I know. Bernal sexiness aside, this is my favorite Almodóvar film. The mystery is fascinating and keeps you engaged throughout the entire runtime. And Bernal works overtime playing three different roles, remaining an impossibly indecipherable enigma.

27. Memento (2001)
Director: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Guy Pearce, Carrie Anne Moss

It's been 3 1/2 years since I first saw Memento, and I'm still working out what it all meant.

26. The Pianist (2002)
Director: Roman Polanski
Starring: Adrien Brody

Not just another Holocaust movie. Frighteningly realistic, downright grimy and all too horrific to believe, it's the Holocaust as we don't like to think about. The fact that Roman Polanski lived through the horrors makes it all the more discomforting to watch; it's almost as if watching his experience first-hand.

25. The HSM Trilogy (2006-8)
Director: Kenny Ortega
Starring: Zac Efron, La Tisdale, Lucas Grabeel, Vanessa Hudgens

My increasing fascination with the tween subculture can be credited to one summer day in 2007 when I decided to see what all this fuss about High School Musical was about. I wasn't crazy about the first, aside from La Tisdale's epic performance of course, but I couldn't deny there was something about their inherent badness that hooked me. I caught the second film when it premiered later on that summer and, while it was technically even worse than the first, I couldn't deny my rising infatuation with La Tisdale's divaliciousness or Zac Efron's beautiful face. By the time the third installment came, it was preceded by a 6+ month anticipation that could barely contain itself by the time it premiered in October of 2008. Who would have guessed that the third would not only be the best of the series but also a legitimately good film in its own right? If nothing else, the HSM Trilogy proved to me that some of the greatest actors around are hiding in the Disney Ghetto, just waiting to be discovered and make it to the big time. Without this trilogy, just think: I probably wouldn't have encountered Demi Lovato, Sterling Knight, Tiffany Thornton or the JONAS girls. Scary thought, indeed.

24. In Bruges (2008)
Director: Martin McDonagh
Starring: Colin Farrel, Brendan Gleeson, Liam Neeson

In retrospect, a dialogue-heavy, (black) comedic meditation on life, death, guilt sounds right up my alley. Initially, however, I was a bit skeptical. Imagine my surprise when the movie ended and I thought to myself, "Damn, everything about this movie just worked." There aren't many movies out there that you can say that about.

23. Dreamgirls (2006)
Director: Bill Condon
Starring: Beyoncé, Jennifer Hudson, Jamie Foxx, Eddie Murphy

All of my favorite things combined into one movie: black female belters, divas, glitter, showstopping musical numbers, the early 60's, Beyoncé wearing ridiculous fashions. You can't ask for much than that, can you? Oh yes you can. How about a showstopping, jaw-dropping performance from American Idol alum Jennifer Hudson that earned at least three rounds of applause in the theatre I saw it in (all of which I joined in enthusiastically)? Or a much maligned performance from Beyoncé that only looked shallow and undercooked because the character required it? Haters to the left (to the left)--I don't need to hear it anymore.

22. Monster in Law (2005)
Director: Robert Luketic
Starring: Jane Fonda, J. Lo, Wanda Sykes

To this day, I do not understand all the venomous hatred that has been spewed toward this film. Sure, as the first Jane Fonda film in 15 years it is a bit on the fluffy side, but so what? She's vibrant, full of life and, what else, funny as hell as the future mother-in-law hellbent on trying to split up her son (Michael Vartan) from his new fiancée (J. Lo at her breeziest and funniest). Monster in Law is a romantic comedy without all the gushy romantic garbage, replaced with hilarious one-liners (provided mostly by the always great Wanda Sykes) and fast-paced slapstick comedy. If I'm a cinematic neanderthal for liking this movie, then so be it. I will never back down.

21. Bring It On (2000)
Director: Peyton Reed
Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Jesse Bradford, Eliza Dushku

It has been ten years and whenever someone around me says, "Brrrr," I still have the urge to finish with "...It's cold in here! There must be some Toros in the at-mosphere!" And there are so many smaller moments that I remember quoting endlessly in junior high when my Bring It On fanaticism was at its peak that still make me giggle with fondness whenever I think back on them (my favorite: "Jan got spirit, yes he do/Jan got spirit, how about you?" "Dude, you just lost" *silence*). This was the sports movie made for gay men: no bullshit clichés and inspirational moments, just good old-fashioned wit, bitchiness, clever one-liners and highly choreographed routines. You can't ask for much more than that.

My Inner Monologue During Twilight Saga: New Moon on Two Different Occasions

Thursday, 11/19, Midnight Screening: "OMG, here we go! Stewart, Kendrick and Lautner Abs, please don't let me down...Wait, did I stumble into the wrong theatre? We're less than a minute in and it looks like Chris Weitz is actually attempting to be artistic in some way with this dream sequence. I mean, this is not Ingmar Bergman or anything, but it's definitely a far cry from Hardwicke's Twilight. I guess I'll have to look for something else to make fun of. Based on the first film, this should take another 45 seconds max...Oh good, Robert Pattinson is arriving at school. In slow motion. This should be hilarious...Wow, that actually wasn't too embarrassing. Weitz and Pattinson actually seemed to be letting loose and having fun at the expense of Edward Cullen. Is there hope for this film? Damn, that kiss between Edward and Bella was steamy; I think Pattinson just came in his pants. And now Lautner has arrived to make this triangle complete. I love that he has skipped class just to come across town to Bella's school just to give her a birthday present. Way to endorse truancy! Lautner's now going for the hug with Bella and...goddamn! Did you see that look he shot at Pattinson? It was basically the equivalent to Beyoncé's threatening 'Try me, bitch!' in Obsessed...I'm impressed at how well the screenwriter and Weitz have condensed the bloated, blundering novel this is based on. Even in comparison with Twilight, which highlighted the wrong sections of the novel and actually made it seem longer, New Moon feels much swifter (Seriously, the novel spends 100+ pages following a mopey, epically depressed Bella in a series of repetitive scenes and internal thoughts that feel endless. I am forever grateful that in the film they condensed that Ben-Hur-sized section into one--beautifully done, I must add--long take that lasts not more than 90 seconds)


"HOLY SHIT. Lautner just took of shirt! If you can ignore that hideous wig on his head, this is absolutely perfect...He's walking around shirtless in the rain. I, uh, um, I, er...Is it hot in here or just me? Bella, how can you just stand there and not bounce on the boy?! You have way more self control than I ever could...And now he's in your bedroom, shirtless, sitting on your bed, practically inviting you to ride him like a bronco? Bitch, why are you just standing there? I, uh...(This is probably the point where I melted into my chair and nearly passed out. The girl sitting next to me asked if I was okay while my friend Megan started fanning me. I think I can honestly understand all of those women in the 1920's losing their shit over Rudolph Valentino). Whew, that was a close one. Lautner and Stewart are ever so close to locking lips. Come on, DO IT. I don't care if it's not in the fucking book, DEFY IT. The book is a piece of shit anyways. Come on, come on, so close...FUCKING TELEPHONE AND FUCKING EDWARD. How dare you ruin it! Lautner and Stewart muster more palpable sexual tension than you ever could with her, you soggy British wimp.


"Now Bella is off to save her precious Edward and I, officially, don't really care anymore. Blah blah Volturi blah blah grand theft auto blah blah...Haha, I love that after watching Taylor's glorious abs for the last hour, the audience has turned against Pattinson's naked torso. I literally hear boos coming from people in the audience. This makes me so happy...Here comes Dakota Fanning trying to win that ever elusive Oscar. Out of everyone on the cast, she, of course, takes this shit way more seriously than necessary. Sorry D, I don't think you'll be hearing your name come Oscar nomination morning...The film finally ends with a semi-showdown between Edward and Jacob where Edward, the big limped-dick pussy he is, thanks Jacob for protecting Bella while he was off being a whiny emo bitch. Jacob, thankfully, refuses his thanks and instead basically calls out Edward's douche-ness...I think I'm on Team Jacob now." B-

Friday, 12/4, 9:40 Showing: "OH MY GOD. GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT! Why is this film dragging so much more than last time? Lousy scene after lousy scene is just floating by in front of me and I am gleaning absolutely nothing from it. The motive of each scene is important, but the putrid dialogue is nothing more than an awful excuse for writing. Who the Christ talks like that? Certainly not any teenagers I know. And, my God, could Stewart and Pattinson be any f-ing stiffer in the break-up scene? They are standing about 20 feet apart, stiffer than Pattinson's dick when watching Lautner take off his shirt and do nothing but stare at each other. I feel like I'm trapped in one of those awful D.W. Griffith silent Victorian melodramas where the romantic leads look into each others eyes for endless amounts of time and a simple blink or lifting of the hand is supposed to reveal excessive amounts of emotion...Bella, I simply can not feel sorry for you. You have two men in your life, one is a sexy mofo with a slight sense of humor and the other, if nothing else (and I do mean nothing: he's not charming, funny, interesting or cute), is quite devoted to you, willing to risk their lives and happiness just to appease you and I can't even get a boy to ask me out. Oh yeah Bella, you have it so rough.


"Why does everyone take this damn film so seriously? The plot is incredibly idiculous, rife with obvious clichés and eye-rolling moments and yet everyone on the cast and crew treats it like grand drama or, worse yet, end-of-the-world tragedy. New Moon could be great camp and a lot easier to swallow if everyone just let loose and had some fun with the material. This is why I generally hate blockbusters and what I found so refreshing about Star Trek. That wasn't a perfect film but it understood that the whole premise is silly and had a good time playing it for laughs. Thankfully we have Anna Kendrick (who is possibly even more fun as Jessica than she was in Twilight and whose line reading of "Movies with Bella? Fun" is an immediate classic--I literally almost ROFL'ed in the theater) and Michael Sheen (if his role didn't seem so pointless in the grand scheme of things, I might consider him for a Best Supporting Actor Diva Cup) to liven things up and adds dollops of humor whenever they come on-screen. Honestly, thank you. I don't think I could have made it through this time without you. Your muffin baskets are in the mail." C-

Fuck Jacob and Edward

I'm on Team Bella and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

P.S. Will anyone ever love Kristen Stewart as much as I do?

P.P.S. Only 6.5 hours until I get to see the fierce trio of Kristen Stewart, Anna Kendrick and Taylor Lautner's abs!

Goddess

Goddess

Things I Loved About Last Night's MTV Movie Awards

Listen, I'm not going to argue that the MTV Movie Awards is a show that needs to be taken seriously or that their nominees and winners signify the end of cinema as we know it or something (especially since my picks won three of the Top 5 awards). They're stupid, harmless fun and that's all they've ever been. I just really hate it whenever someone gets a bug up their ass and yammers on and on about the "tweenification" of the culture and points to this as an example. Well, duh. MTV has always been aimed at this demographic and their Movie Awards show that. It's like blaming the Teen Choice Awards for thinking Hayden Christensen is the best actor of any year. Anyways, let's get a move on and discuss the highlights of last night.

Leighton Meester looking like the hot diva she is.

Anna Faris's reaction (fast forward to the 56 second mark) after getting robbed losing Best Comedic Performance to Jim Carrey.

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner introducing the much-hyped sneak peek at New Moon. As much as I dislike Twilight and Robert Pattinson, you have to find it amazing that the producers are willing to risk a multi-billion dollar movie franchise on two leads who can't speak in public or be fake "charming" like other movie stars. They are totally awkward when not on set and I kinda love that.

Speaking of Kristen Stewart being awkward...



I know that there are many, many of you out there who completely disagree with me, but this is exactly why I love Kristen Stewart. Not only is she uncomfortable with the limelight, she's also has no idea how to craft a great soundbyte. Plus, you've got to love that after pulling a Bella and dropping the award she just won, she goes back up there and complete owns her awkardness and clumsiness by saying, "That was just as awkward as you thought it was going to be! Bye." What a goddess.


LA TISDALE WON BREAKTHROUGH FEMALE PERFORMANCE! I know it may not seem like much to all of the haters, but this win felt completely genuine over some of the more obvious choices like Twilight and Efron for Best Male Performance (not that it wasn't justly deserved). My apologies to Pinto, Seyfreid and Dennings, but it felt to me that this award would come down between Miley and Vanessa with La Tisdale as the dark horse. La Tisdale winning proves that the tweens were voting based on genuine talent and future capabilities, not just "comedic timing," "musical talent," their personal lives or tabloid-ready exploits. La Tisdale took Sharpay, relegated to the background in HSM3, and with a bit of sass, wit and musical chops, she beat the two stars of their respective movies. Way to go tweens for getting it right!

As an added bonus, let's take a gander at this threesome of hotness. Yum.