Happy Eclipse Day!

Now that is one sexy, sexy cast!

Well, boys and girls, today is the day. At 11:59 pm tonight, Twilight fanatics around the country will be piling into theatres to get their first (and most likely not last) glimpse at the latest installment in the series, Eclipse. I, of course, will be among those people like I have been for the past two movies. This probably sounds hypocritical of me since I complain about these movies every chance I get, but, in all honesty, I don't go to these midnight screenings for the movies themselves. Sure, seeing Taylor sans shirt and making fun of dumb Twi-tards going apeshit at stupid moments are both huge positives, but my excitement goes beyond that. My best friends are all Twilight fans and going out with them to these showings has become a way of celebrating our friendship. When New Moon came out last November, I was so excited I kept referring to the day as "New Moon Day" like it was some kind of holiday. Honestly, though, it did feel like a holiday: I spent all day in giddy anticipation, then a lovely dinner with my best friends and some awesome new people and, finally, the movie, which practically made me orgasm around 20 times that first time. Hell, I even made a freaking cake (red velvet, because I am clever like that)! If that doesn't sound like a great holiday celebration, I don't know what does. It was a hundred times better than Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family in which I spent the whole night in a numb, alcoholic stupor while my brother and his girlfriend laughed at my intoxication. Basically "Eclipse Day" means more to me than just a silly movie; it's a day to celebrate friendship with the people I love best. So even if you don't give a shit about Eclipse, go out and celebrate "Eclipse Day" with your best friend, your BFF, your mate or whatever you call them and do whatever you love best.

Now This is a Movie I Would Pay to See. Even in 3D.

A Very, Very, Very Mild Defense of Robert Pattinson in Little Ashes

This weekend, because I'm a sadist at heart, I watched Little Ashes, the queer-ish tale of the kinda-romance between writer Federico Garcia Lorca and painter Salvador Dali. If I'm being honest, the only reason I bothered with this film despite the middling to poor reviews it had gotten, was the opportunity to yet again make fun of Robert Pattinson's acting. And, boy, were there opportunities aplenty. I think at one pointed out on my Twitter that the larger Dali's moustache became, the worse Pattinson's acting became. The early parts of the film were better because they played into Pattinson's in-bred awkwardness and inability to formulate a proper sentence. Once Dali became a surrealist/avant garde whatever and the character was forced to adopt wild gesticulations and speak like a madman, Pattinson became lost. For some reason, he highlights Dali's madness during this period with opening his eyes really wide and starring at Lorca for long periods of time. Literally, at one point there was a good thirty seconds where he didn't blink, just kept his eyes open like his eyelids were taped to his face while raving like a lunatic. Needless to say, it was all very embarrassing.

After the film finished, however, and I came to the conclusion that maybe Robert Pattinson wasn't as bad as he initially appeared to be. Listen, I'm not saying he should be up for an Oscar or anything; I wouldn't bother to call his performance good in any sense of the word. Rather, I think Pattinson's Dali is interesting to consider from the vantage point of how the quality of a performance can be judged by the context of the film around it. Little Ashes, as a film, is so shapeless and uninformative it becomes hard to judge whether or not Pattinson fits within it. Take, for example, the scene where Lorca and Dali kiss for the first time. Pattinson is so noticeably uncomfortable he looks like one of those straight guys in a gay porn who has to make out with another guy to "get things going" and you know would rather be giving his mother a sponge bath than kiss another guy. It is easy to dismiss Pattinson in a similar manner, but Little Ashes doesn't exactly help him out in any way. The film is so flimsy and so eager to gloss over multiple subjects without going into any depth about them, we have no idea about Dali's motivations during this scene. Is he uncomfortable with his sexuality, uncomfortable with Lorca, uncomfortable with intimacy of any kind or just a nutcase? I spent nearly two hours with him, and I still have no clue. Any of these interpretations impact how we consider Pattinson's performance in different ways, so it becomes Little Ashes's fault, in part, that his performance is so impenetrable.

Let's reconsider those awful final scenes with Pattinson acting like a mustachioed Bette Midler at her drag queen worst. Looking at the numerous interpretations that could be theorized, he may not be as bad as originally thought. If director Paul Morrison was intending for the whole movie to be quietly, almost non-existently, emotive about a doomed love affair, then Pattinson is an over-the-top freakshow unable to gauge what the film is trying to achieve. But, if the film was attempting to highlight the increased eccentricity of Dali and the lack of connection between him and Lorca some ten years later, then at least Pattinson was in the right ballpark. If nothing else, Pattinson is memorable in these scenes and more alive than any other character at any other point in the film. He may not be anywhere near "good," but at least he's entertaining (if only to laugh at the ridiculous faces he makes). All in all, I wish Little Ashes was a stronger film if only so I could gauge Pattinson's performance better and understand definitively why his performance is so off. With all the film's mediocrity and inability to commit to any perspective, Pattinson's performance will forever remain an unsolved mystery.

Random Pictures With Bonus Witty* Commentary

*I'm not guaranteeing you'll find it funny in the slightest but just humor me.

My two favorite gay men, united at last.

Work it, divas!

This is the closest Robert Pattinson's gotten to a bathtub in months. And, for some reason, I don't think it was the naked female in the tub that enticed him.

(Yes, I realize it's not exactly original to make fun of Pattinson's lack of hygiene, but come on! This picture was just begging for a joke. And it doesn't matter how many you hear, they're always funny.)

GaGa at the Brit Awards last night.

Words fail me. This has to be the craziest thing I've seen on her in awhile...

...

Oh wait. Spoke too soon.

In other news, the 'Telephone' video is going to be an epic masterpiece, yes?

My Inner Monologue During Twilight Saga: New Moon on Two Different Occasions

Thursday, 11/19, Midnight Screening: "OMG, here we go! Stewart, Kendrick and Lautner Abs, please don't let me down...Wait, did I stumble into the wrong theatre? We're less than a minute in and it looks like Chris Weitz is actually attempting to be artistic in some way with this dream sequence. I mean, this is not Ingmar Bergman or anything, but it's definitely a far cry from Hardwicke's Twilight. I guess I'll have to look for something else to make fun of. Based on the first film, this should take another 45 seconds max...Oh good, Robert Pattinson is arriving at school. In slow motion. This should be hilarious...Wow, that actually wasn't too embarrassing. Weitz and Pattinson actually seemed to be letting loose and having fun at the expense of Edward Cullen. Is there hope for this film? Damn, that kiss between Edward and Bella was steamy; I think Pattinson just came in his pants. And now Lautner has arrived to make this triangle complete. I love that he has skipped class just to come across town to Bella's school just to give her a birthday present. Way to endorse truancy! Lautner's now going for the hug with Bella and...goddamn! Did you see that look he shot at Pattinson? It was basically the equivalent to Beyoncé's threatening 'Try me, bitch!' in Obsessed...I'm impressed at how well the screenwriter and Weitz have condensed the bloated, blundering novel this is based on. Even in comparison with Twilight, which highlighted the wrong sections of the novel and actually made it seem longer, New Moon feels much swifter (Seriously, the novel spends 100+ pages following a mopey, epically depressed Bella in a series of repetitive scenes and internal thoughts that feel endless. I am forever grateful that in the film they condensed that Ben-Hur-sized section into one--beautifully done, I must add--long take that lasts not more than 90 seconds)


"HOLY SHIT. Lautner just took of shirt! If you can ignore that hideous wig on his head, this is absolutely perfect...He's walking around shirtless in the rain. I, uh, um, I, er...Is it hot in here or just me? Bella, how can you just stand there and not bounce on the boy?! You have way more self control than I ever could...And now he's in your bedroom, shirtless, sitting on your bed, practically inviting you to ride him like a bronco? Bitch, why are you just standing there? I, uh...(This is probably the point where I melted into my chair and nearly passed out. The girl sitting next to me asked if I was okay while my friend Megan started fanning me. I think I can honestly understand all of those women in the 1920's losing their shit over Rudolph Valentino). Whew, that was a close one. Lautner and Stewart are ever so close to locking lips. Come on, DO IT. I don't care if it's not in the fucking book, DEFY IT. The book is a piece of shit anyways. Come on, come on, so close...FUCKING TELEPHONE AND FUCKING EDWARD. How dare you ruin it! Lautner and Stewart muster more palpable sexual tension than you ever could with her, you soggy British wimp.


"Now Bella is off to save her precious Edward and I, officially, don't really care anymore. Blah blah Volturi blah blah grand theft auto blah blah...Haha, I love that after watching Taylor's glorious abs for the last hour, the audience has turned against Pattinson's naked torso. I literally hear boos coming from people in the audience. This makes me so happy...Here comes Dakota Fanning trying to win that ever elusive Oscar. Out of everyone on the cast, she, of course, takes this shit way more seriously than necessary. Sorry D, I don't think you'll be hearing your name come Oscar nomination morning...The film finally ends with a semi-showdown between Edward and Jacob where Edward, the big limped-dick pussy he is, thanks Jacob for protecting Bella while he was off being a whiny emo bitch. Jacob, thankfully, refuses his thanks and instead basically calls out Edward's douche-ness...I think I'm on Team Jacob now." B-

Friday, 12/4, 9:40 Showing: "OH MY GOD. GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT! Why is this film dragging so much more than last time? Lousy scene after lousy scene is just floating by in front of me and I am gleaning absolutely nothing from it. The motive of each scene is important, but the putrid dialogue is nothing more than an awful excuse for writing. Who the Christ talks like that? Certainly not any teenagers I know. And, my God, could Stewart and Pattinson be any f-ing stiffer in the break-up scene? They are standing about 20 feet apart, stiffer than Pattinson's dick when watching Lautner take off his shirt and do nothing but stare at each other. I feel like I'm trapped in one of those awful D.W. Griffith silent Victorian melodramas where the romantic leads look into each others eyes for endless amounts of time and a simple blink or lifting of the hand is supposed to reveal excessive amounts of emotion...Bella, I simply can not feel sorry for you. You have two men in your life, one is a sexy mofo with a slight sense of humor and the other, if nothing else (and I do mean nothing: he's not charming, funny, interesting or cute), is quite devoted to you, willing to risk their lives and happiness just to appease you and I can't even get a boy to ask me out. Oh yeah Bella, you have it so rough.


"Why does everyone take this damn film so seriously? The plot is incredibly idiculous, rife with obvious clichés and eye-rolling moments and yet everyone on the cast and crew treats it like grand drama or, worse yet, end-of-the-world tragedy. New Moon could be great camp and a lot easier to swallow if everyone just let loose and had some fun with the material. This is why I generally hate blockbusters and what I found so refreshing about Star Trek. That wasn't a perfect film but it understood that the whole premise is silly and had a good time playing it for laughs. Thankfully we have Anna Kendrick (who is possibly even more fun as Jessica than she was in Twilight and whose line reading of "Movies with Bella? Fun" is an immediate classic--I literally almost ROFL'ed in the theater) and Michael Sheen (if his role didn't seem so pointless in the grand scheme of things, I might consider him for a Best Supporting Actor Diva Cup) to liven things up and adds dollops of humor whenever they come on-screen. Honestly, thank you. I don't think I could have made it through this time without you. Your muffin baskets are in the mail." C-

Random Top 10: My Ideal Action Stars

Over the weekend, I went and saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (more on that soon) and one of the things that the film made apparent was that anyone can be an action star in a boneheaded blockbuster these days. I can understand using Channing since he's big, buff and has the voice of a meathead action star (although I think he's smarter than he appears), but what in the hell were Marlon Wayans and Sienna Miller doing there? When I think of people who belong in big budget action films, my mind doesn't automatically jump to Mr. Scary Movie and the biggest star in Hollywood without a film on her resumé that people have actually seen (seriously, I've been hearing about Ms. Miller for years and I think this was the first movie of hers I've watched). So, of course, this got me thinking about action films (which, as you know, is one of my least favorite genres) and what they would be like with random-ass casting like in G.I. Joe but with more interesting actors. Studio executives, take note: if you want to get even more people into the theater for your latest tentpole picture, take a chance on these actors and I can guarantee you that I will be there opening weekend.

10. Ellen Page I could definitely use a little more sarcasm in my action films.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow This isn't so much for her "acting ability" or "actorly presence" but rather for the fact that I would LOVE to see Gwynie get her ass kicked repeatedly by the bad guys. Take that you uptight, stuck up bitch.


8. Christina Hendricks Imagine all the ass-kicking she could do with that glorious ass alone! Plus, there's a 99.5% chance that a male will be directing this film so he'll, of course, emphasize her glorious ass with the tightest pants ever invented.

7. Robert Pattinson This may be just me and my odd sense of humor, but wouldn't it be funny to see the perennially awkward Pattinson stumble over the traditional leading male "inspirational" speech where he has to rally the troops to overcome the odds and fight the baddies? You know it would involve a lot of stuttering, slurring and a random monologue about a time when he was so heartbroken by a break-up he slept in a dog kennel.

6. Dakota Fanning You just know that she'd turn even the shallowest, most downright ridiculous action film ever invented and approach it as if she's preparing for Schindler's List or something. But that's why we love (making fun of) her.

5. Zac Efron It's not that I wouldn't love to see more Zac on my screen, because I would, but the main reason he's on the list is that the action genre gives him more of an excuse to take a shirt off.


Doesn't the world need more of that?

4. Miley Cyrus This inclusion, I must admit, is a bit of a combination (a "best of both worlds," if you will) of the previous Paltrow and Pattinson mentions. I would love to see her get the shit beat out of her, but I would also be waiting on the edge of my seat for the hilarity that is sure to ensue whenever she had to make some kind of rousing speech. For some reason, my mind keeps on flashing back to her MTV Movie Awards' acceptance speech when she thanked God and went, "Hellooooo" in her usual country bumpkin way.

3. Beyoncé Bitch please, have you seen the Obsessed finale? Imagine a whole movie of that...

At least one thing is for sure: it will never be boring with Beyoncé leading the way.


2. Victoria Beckham I'm guessing a Victoria Beckham-starring action film will mostly consist of glorious high-impact sequences where she just stands around in high heels like in that imaginary Spice Girls action film in Spice World. How kick ass would that be though? An action film where the lead doesn't actually do any action.


1. Rinko Kikuchi Seeing her blow shit up in The Brothers Bloom was practically the highlight of my summer (cinematically speaking, of course) so she's practically a no-brainer for this list. I'd be afraid that, since she's obviously Asian, Hollywood will try to turn her into a martial arts star like Jackie Chan or Zhang Ziyi when she can do so much more than that. She may not say much, but she'll definitely get any point across with her expressive face. And the threat of blowing someone up. How much more badass can you get?

These Are a Few of Megan's Favorite Things

Today my good friend Megan is turning 21 and, as part of her birthday weekend week festivities, she requested that I make a blog post for her. Well, it is her day--how I could turn that down? So, in honor of her birth, here are some things that I know will make Megan happy.

And since she's the only person I know who sat through X-men Origins: Wolverine four times for Mr. Jackman, here are some special pictures from that movie.

She has this poster in her room and forces me to look at it whenever I step in there.

She's on Team Jacob (and I'm thinking about converting after this poster. Yowza.)



And she's the only person I know who remembers (or admits to remembering) the awesome British boy band 5ive's 'When the Lights Go Out' (Bastards at Youtube won't let me embed here on the blog)


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN!

Things I Loved About Last Night's MTV Movie Awards

Listen, I'm not going to argue that the MTV Movie Awards is a show that needs to be taken seriously or that their nominees and winners signify the end of cinema as we know it or something (especially since my picks won three of the Top 5 awards). They're stupid, harmless fun and that's all they've ever been. I just really hate it whenever someone gets a bug up their ass and yammers on and on about the "tweenification" of the culture and points to this as an example. Well, duh. MTV has always been aimed at this demographic and their Movie Awards show that. It's like blaming the Teen Choice Awards for thinking Hayden Christensen is the best actor of any year. Anyways, let's get a move on and discuss the highlights of last night.

Leighton Meester looking like the hot diva she is.

Anna Faris's reaction (fast forward to the 56 second mark) after getting robbed losing Best Comedic Performance to Jim Carrey.

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner introducing the much-hyped sneak peek at New Moon. As much as I dislike Twilight and Robert Pattinson, you have to find it amazing that the producers are willing to risk a multi-billion dollar movie franchise on two leads who can't speak in public or be fake "charming" like other movie stars. They are totally awkward when not on set and I kinda love that.

Speaking of Kristen Stewart being awkward...



I know that there are many, many of you out there who completely disagree with me, but this is exactly why I love Kristen Stewart. Not only is she uncomfortable with the limelight, she's also has no idea how to craft a great soundbyte. Plus, you've got to love that after pulling a Bella and dropping the award she just won, she goes back up there and complete owns her awkardness and clumsiness by saying, "That was just as awkward as you thought it was going to be! Bye." What a goddess.


LA TISDALE WON BREAKTHROUGH FEMALE PERFORMANCE! I know it may not seem like much to all of the haters, but this win felt completely genuine over some of the more obvious choices like Twilight and Efron for Best Male Performance (not that it wasn't justly deserved). My apologies to Pinto, Seyfreid and Dennings, but it felt to me that this award would come down between Miley and Vanessa with La Tisdale as the dark horse. La Tisdale winning proves that the tweens were voting based on genuine talent and future capabilities, not just "comedic timing," "musical talent," their personal lives or tabloid-ready exploits. La Tisdale took Sharpay, relegated to the background in HSM3, and with a bit of sass, wit and musical chops, she beat the two stars of their respective movies. Way to go tweens for getting it right!

As an added bonus, let's take a gander at this threesome of hotness. Yum.

An Open Letter to Robert Pattinson

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I know we've had our disagreements in the past. I insulted your performance in Twilight any chance I could and even listed as one of the worst of the year. You have no reason to heed my advice since you obviously haven't listened before (you are still acting, right?) but please, for the love of God, listen now:

Get your fucking arm and bad breath-polluted tongue away from my beloved Anna Kendrick, you two-bit, artificial, personal hygiene-ignoring closet case.

She is a fucking Tony nominee (Best Featured Actress in a Musical, High Society, 1998) and Independent Spirit Award nominee (Best Supporting Actress, Rocket Science, 2007) and what have you done? Stared vacantly in a huge blockbuster, earned a legion of retard tweenage girls who don't mind that you don't take a shower and want you to bite them on the neck and an MTV Movie Award nomination for Breakthrough Male. You don't even belong in the same frame with this goddess, let alone touching her, so back the fuck up and go back to not washing your hair, your favorite pastime.

xoxo
Dame James

Because I Can't Resist an Easy Target

A couple of days ago, MTV announced their nominees for their annual Movie Awards (which has produced some illustrious winners as Napoleon Dynamite for Best Movie and The Governator, Keanu Reeves and Jim Carrey--for Ace Ventura!--as Best Actor) and since they're both stupid beyond relief and as ridiculous as always, they're a prime target for my comments. Prepare the snark-fest!

Best Movie
The Dark Knight
High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Iron Man
Slumdog Millionaire
Twilight

Wow, we're actually off to a decent start here. Way to go, MTV! It's not exactly what I would have chosen, but it's no worse than Oscar's picks this year. Shitdog is the worst of the bunch here, no surprise, but the nominees include two mediocre, bordering on dislike films (Iron Man and Twilight) and two quality crowd-pleasers (Dark Knight and HSM3); compare to Oscar with two shits (Shitdog and F/N), two mediocre (Benjamin Button and Reader) and one excellent film (Milk). Not bad for an award's show aimed solely at the masses.

Who I Voted for: High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Best Actor
Christian Bale, The Dark Knight
Robert Downey, Jr., Iron Man
Vin Diesel, Fast & Furious
Zac Efron, High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Shia LaBeouf, Eagle Eye

And now is the point where MTV shows their true colors. Best Actor has traditionally been their worst category, often awarding some idiot action star for kicking ass or something of the sorts. This year? What do you know, four of the five nominees are in meatheaded action films. I normally enjoy Christian Bale and RDJ and they both gave serviceable performances, but not exactly earth-shattering or even that interesting. I haven't seen Eagle Eye, but I sincerely doubt my favorite person on the planet Shia LaBeouf was even given a chance to act in that one. And when I think of actors stretching their acting muscles, my mind goes straight to Vin Diesel in Fast & Furious. I'm sure there were scenes full of depth and pathos when Vin was driving in the 14th race in the film. Ugh.

Who I Voted for: Zac Efron, High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Did Efron have to act much? I don't think so. But he radiated as much charisma and movie star charm as RDJ did in a much, much better film)

Best Actress
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Angelina Jolie, Wanted
Anne Hathaway, Bride Wars
Kristen Stewart, Twilight
Kate Winslet, The Reader

What. the. fuck. This is, without a doubt, the most fucked up, random list of nominees you could ever generate--and only one (okay, two...in parts) legitimately good performance. Angelina Jolie was better in Wanted than she was in her Oscar-nominated performance in Changeling, but that's really not saying much. Taraji P. Henson gave the best performance but, yet again, that's really not saying much either. I love me some Winslet, but The Reader is far from her best performance (and I'm curious why the tweens voted for her...surely they didn't see this movie). Now that we've gotten those out of the way, let's discuss Anne Hathaway, shall we? I love this woman and this love only grows deeper every day, but her "performance" in Bride Wars was a trainwreck from beginning to end. It's not really her fault--there was absolutely nothing she could have done to turn that piece of shit character to get more comedy out of it--but if you we're going to nominate her for something, why not Get Smart, which wasn't great but better in comparison or Rachel Getting Married, since they were already in the mood for "weird," Oscar pictures.

Who I Voted for: Kristen Stewart, Twilight

Breakthrough Male
Ben Barnes, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Taylor Lautner, Twilight
Dev Patel, Slumdog Millionaire
Robert Pattinson, Twilight
Bobb'e J. Thompson, Role Models

Is there really any doubt that Robert Pattinson is going to win this? I know that this category is basically "Hottest Guy" but I've heard all sorts of bad things about Ben Barnes's performance in Narnia. And Taylor Lautner? Really? He was in Twilight for, what, five minutes. I'm guessing it's just anticipation for New Moon, where he has a much bigger role.

Who I Voted for: Bobb'e J. Thompson, Role Models (He was funny, sure, but any child actor could have said the outrageous lines he was given and but just as good. But do I really have any choice?)

Breakthrough Female
Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana: The Movie
Kat Dennings, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Freida Pinto, Slumdog Millionaire
Amanda Seyfreid, Mamma Mia!
La Tisdale, High School Musical 3: Senior Year

My favorite category this year by a long shot. Cyrus, Hudgens and Pinto are shi: I know this and you know this. But Amanda Seyfreid?! Kat Dennings?! La FREAKING Tisdale?! Be still my heart!

Who I Voted for: La Tisdale, High School Musical 3: Senior Year (surprise surprise!)

The Worst Films and Performances of 2008

With the Oscars less than ten minutes away, I thought it was appropriate to honor the worst of the year before we spend all night talking about the best. Of the 86 films I've seen so far in 2008, here are the stinkiest films and performances.

The 10 Worst Films:

10. Tell No One (Guillaume Canet)
This so-called "Hitchcockian" thriller has none of the humor, interesting plot twists or thrilling, ambiguous villains that comprised some of Hitch's best work. Instead, all we get are some dumb clichés, an annoying lead and a 10 minute explanation of the whole film that is entirely false.
9. Frost/Nixon (Ron Howard)
What a complete waste of time. Ron, just because you have a good play and actors who have done these roles 100 times before doesn't mean you can just sit back and let the cameras roll for two hours.
8. 21 (Robert Luketic)
I knew the exact trajectory of the main character (played her by Jim Sturgess) from the first five minutes. The rest of the film didn't make me want to stick around.
7. Changeling (Clint Eastwood)
On the plus side, Changeling gives you more for your dollar (always a good thing during this recession) since there are six separate stories packed into one film. On the negative side, none of them are any good.
6. Mamma Mia! (Phyllida Lloyd)
I believe I've already said enough on this movie in the above review, so I'll leave you with a thought from my friend Christi, "ABBA should sue them for ruining their songs." She is so right.
5. Untraceable (Gregory Hoblit)
Diane Lane, you deserve much better than this lame "thriller" that was nothing more than a complete waste of time. I seriously can't remember a thing about this movie besides Lane and Joseph Cross.
4. Jumper (Doug Liman)
Jamie Bell and Rachel Bilson, you both deserve much better than this lame "action" movie and playing second fiddle to the incomparably bad Hayden Christensen.
3. Camp Rock (Matthew Diamond)
I honestly wasn't expecting much from Disney's latest made-for-TV movie, but this was so bad it made High School Musical look like Chicago. As I mentioned in the review, Vanessa Hudgens could have showed up and I would have been grateful for it.
2. Prom Night (Nelson McCormick)
One of the funniest movies of the year. Too bad it was supposed to be a horror movie.
1. The Wackness (Jonathan Levine)
I've racked my brain for awhile and I honestly can not think of one even slightly redeeming factor in this movie. Of the other movies I gave an F to, Camp Rock at least had those slightly amusing bickering scenes between Nick and Kevin and Prom Night had Brittany Snow and a couple of good laughs, but The Wackness has absolutely nothing. The overly quirky and "street" dialogue assaulted my ears like the Blitzkrieg, Ben Kingsley's overacting made me want to die everytime he tried to be hip and funny and the film's depiction of a teenager's sexual awakening was both overly pretentious and boorish.

The Worst Performances:

Worst Actor
Hayden Christensen, Jumper
---How do you make me hate you from the opening monologue?
Joe Jonas, Camp Rock
---You would think that as soon as they filmed that first scene in the limosine, where Joe can't even put the right emphasis on any of the lines, that the producers would have realized they picked the wrong Jonas Brother to star in this film.
Robert Pattinson, Twilight
---I will give him the benefit of the doubt on some of the dialogue because he was given some truly awful, but some of those facial expressions (especially during the scene where he first meets Bella in the science classroom) were hilarious when they should have been serious and/or scary.

The Loser:
Hayden Christensen

Worst Actress
Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical 3: Senior Year
---You would think that after three films with the same character, she would finally learn how to not embarrass herself; you thought wrong. This is just as atrocious as anything in the first two films.
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
---An Oscar nomination for this phoned-in performance?! That is, if you call repeating the same three lines (all containing the phrase "MY son" in them) over and over again and smashing a plate against the wall.
Meryl Streep, Mamma Mia!
---The worst performance I've ever seen from the great Meryl. I've never seen her overact that much.

The Loser:
Meryl Streep

Worst Supporting Actor
Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
---Normally, when you cast a musical, you cast someone who can sing. Apparently someone missed this memo.
Colin Firth, Then She Found Me
---Not necessarily bad, but he's in a completely different film from Helen, Bette and Matthew.
Ben Kingsley, The Wackness
---This guy has an Oscar? What the hell?
Diego Luna, Milk
---He stands out among the cast. Unfortunately, it's not in a good way.
T.J. Miller, Cloverfield
---Shut the fuck up already and get eaten by that monster.

The Loser:
Ben Kingsley

Worst Supporting Actress
Malin Akerman, 27 Dresses
---Akerman was given a prime role (bitchy, whiny younger sister) in this slightly above average rom com and she completely ruins it. Over the top and just plain annoying.
Monique Coleman, High School Musical 3: Senior Year
---I never noticed before HSM3, but Coleman is quite an awful actress, isn't she? She only has a couple of lines and yet she completely butchers all of them.
Meghan Jette Martin, Camp Rock
---Also given a prime role (the "Regina George" of Camp Rock) and completely ruins. Makes all the wrong choices comedically and her "crying" scene is atrocious.
Thandie Newton, W.
---It's so out there and different from the rest of the ensemble that I'm not sure if it's the worst performance I've ever seen or a whole new way of acting being born.
Dame Julie Walters, Mamma Mia!
---Oh my God, the Wicked Witch of the West has come back to life! Run for your life! Argh, that cackle will haunt my dreams forever!

The Loser:
Dame Julie Walters

And Just When You Thought Robert Pattinson Couldn't Be Any Grosser

Read this article and tell me you don't want to barf. Some things, no matter how famous you are, you shouldn't share with the public. I think I'm going to take a shower now and actually wash my hair. What a novel idea!

Robert Pattinson Again? God Damnit, Who Did I Piss Off in a Former Life?

Oh my God, this trailer for the new Robert Pattinson drama Little Ashes, in which he portrays surrealist painter Salvador Dali, is so f-ing funny that I literally teared up a little. Watch Robert Pattinson don a crazy mustache! Hear him mangle lines as badly as he did in Twilight! See him give his trademarked vacant expression that's supposed to represent emotion! Oh boy, I suddenly can not wait for this movie, just so I can make fun of him!

Rants on Twilight Based on the Overheard Comments of the Random Teenage Girl Sitting Next to Me

Like I mentioned before, I went to the midnight screening of Twilight on Thursday night and, being my first, I really had no idea what to expect. Would people dress up like vampires to commemorate Edward and the rest of the Cullen clan? Would the audience break out into random applause at the stupidest points in the movie like in my screening of Sex and the City: The Movie? Would the teenage girls, which composed up to 97% of the audience, freak the fuck out when "heartthrob" Robert Pattinson appeared on screen? To answer the questions: No (although there were these weird girls who put on fake blood and somehow got plastic vampire teeth to stick their neck), Kinda (instead of applauding, they laughed...more on that later) and Hell to the Yes (but this shouldn't surprise you). The experience was a bit disorienting and might have taken away from the film (I think I'm going to see it again in a couple of weeks once the hysteria has died down) so instead of a regular review, here's what I over heard the random girl sitting next to me muttering to her friend all throughout the movie, followed by my commentary.

"That's not Bella's voice." This was uttered right at the get go during Bella's (Kristen Stewart) opening monologue. I realize that this girl probably read the book 10 times before a film version was announced- I knew Stewart was in it by the time I read it so I simply imagined her in the role right away- and that she had her own idea of what Bella looked and sounded like, but give Kristen Stewart a chance before you tear her down! You have to let go of all of your broad preconceived notions about what the characters should "sound" like when you're going into a film like Twilight.

"She's so awkward!" Once again, this was directed at Kristen Stewart during one of her scenes with her father (Billy Burke, who's actually quite impressive- his scenes with Stewart actually felt more genuine than 90% of the ones between Stewart and Pattinson). At this point, I wanted to shake the girl and tell her, "Haven't you read the book? That's the point!" Bella is a shy, detached loner who doesn't feel the need to talk a lot- not exactly the most comfortable person to be around. You have to chalk it up to Stewart's immense talent that Bella is realized on-screen this uncompromisingly. With her quivering voice, nervous tics and emotions bubbling up ever so delicately on her silent movie star face, Stewart's intensely introverted performance is a sight to behold, a thing of true and relentless beauty. When she finally discovers what Edward really is and they are finally able to admit their feelings toward each other, there's a moment where the pair lie on the ground, just staring into each others eyes: the look Stewart emits from her eyes and face is absolutely mesmerizing and something I can't get out of my head a couple of days later. It's easy to understand why the teens don't like her- she way too subtle for them- but whenever she's on screen, it doesn't matter this film is a complete mess at times, her performance totally transfixes you in ways that no drama aimed at the teen demographic ever has.

*Gasp* This sound, of course, was uttered when Robert Pattinson first appears on-screen. I wasn't too surprised, considering all of the stories I had been hearing for the past week concerning girls asking Pattinson to bite them at public appearances. Let me just mention that I wasn't one of the many gasping at Pattinson- he still had a lot more to prove to me than just show up looking pretty do-able. Unfortunately, he never proved that he was the least bit competent in this role. The scene after we first see him is when Edward and Bella are sitting next to each other in Biology class for the first time. Edward is supposed to be greatly uncomfortable and totally freak the fuck out of Bella, prompting her to think that something is wrong with her. In Pattinson's hands, however, Edward practically has a seizure while dry heaving into his hands and then staring at Bella like the creepiest stalker imaginable. The audience was laughing all throughout this scene, but I don't think that this was Hardwicke's intention; we're generally supposed to be slightly creeped out by Edward at this point, not laughing at him like a silly clown. Throughout the rest of the film, Pattinson never gets any better, matching Kristen Stewart's fantastic facial expressions with dumb gazes worthy of Chace Crawford and often butchering simple lines to the point of madness. He's so bad at times it makes you wonder what exactly Catherine Hardwicke was thinking by hiring him for this film and how much better this film could have been with a much better Edward. I know I've already pimped out Gaspard Ulliel, and he would be absolutely perfect, but also imagine what Penn Badgley, Ed Westwick, Gregoire Leprince-Ringuet, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (although he may be a tad old) or Elijah Kelley might have done with Edward and then tell me you don't mourn what this film could have been.

"That's not even funny." The audience I was with was completely retarded and laughed every two minutes, often at the stupidest parts. Anytime a line of dialogue that was supposed to play on the fact that "Haha, Edward's a vampire, get it?" was uttered, the audience roared with laughter like it was the funniest thing ever said in the history of comedy.

"'Hold on, my spider monkey'? Who says that?" A-greed. That was a horrible line. And I don't remember it in the book, so you can't even blame Stephenie Meyer.

"This sucks, I'm about ready to leave." I don't remember at what point she said this, but it was getting towards the point where I was just as frustrated at this film. The book was so perfect for a film adaptation (overlong and repetitive, therefore capable of handling a large number of cuts) but it got messed up in the translation somewhere. At times, I wish there was more of the Edward/Bella relationship going on but at others I just want them to stop staring at each other and do something. I don't know, the whole experience left me very conflicted; I know there are problems with the film but I'm at a loss as to what needed to be fixed. The film is shot a lot in either close up or extreme close up, creating an intensely intimate atmosphere that mirrors the relationship between Edward and Bella, and I applaud Hardwicke for taking such an unneccessary stylistic chance in such a crowd-pleasing film, but it really gets in the way some of the time. First of all, it does Robert Pattinson no favors and secondly, it provokes unintentional laughter in some of the scenes. When the band of bad vampires show up to the Cullen family baseball game, the constant cutting between extreme close ups of Edward's and James' (Cam Gigandet) eyes and the members of each group ready to pounce on each other like that cafeteria scene in Mean Girls where the kids turn into wild animals was hilarious, but for all of the wrong reasons.

"This movie was great!" Yes, by the time everyone was filing out of the theatre, the girl next to me literally said this to one of her friends (At this point, I was telling my friend something to the effect of, "Let's get out of here and away from these crazy superfans before we discuss what the hell went wrong"). I'm not exactly sure what provoked such a drastic change- I know by the end everything had found a good groove and even Pattinson wasn't getting on my nerves as much, but it was by no means a "film-saving" ending. Twilight is not a great film by any means- hell, it's hardly a good film- but it's certainly not the disaster it could have been with a less competent director and more generic, less specific leading lady. At the very least, I guess we can be thankful that it wasn't turned into something drastically different from the book and rendered totally unrecognizable. That would have been an even great tragedy. C

Many thanks to the random teenage girl sitting next to me for providing the inspiration needed to write this review!

My Immediate Reaction After Twilight

Is it too late to swap out Robert Pattinson for Gaspard Ulliel? Catherine Hardwicke's Twilight needs an actor and not just another pretty face.

I just got back from the midnight showing (my first ever!) and I'm exhausted, so I'll post more thoughts later on.

Robert Pattinson is a Heartthrob?

I'm so confused. Why exactly is Robert Pattinson all of a sudden considered the hottest thing around? Don't get me wrong, he ain't half bad to look at when he's clean shaven and styled decently.


But when he's not and having a bad day? Oh boy, I'd rather hide under my covers than look at his face.


Seriously? This is someone you want to have sex with? I've seen drug dealers seem more pleasant to be around. I'd rather bang Amy Winehouse after a long night of hitting the pipe and stumbling out of taxis. Gross. You people can have him. Call me when he invests in a toothbrush and razor.