The Sandy Bullock and Melissa McCarthy Buddy Cop Movie

I still remember my reaction when I first heard about The Heat, the upcoming Sandra Bullock/Melissa McCarthy buddy cop movie, as clearly as if it happened yesterday. I was on break at work, praying for a quick death to end my misery. You see, the night before, I had gone out to celebrate my birthday and this Dame had a little bit too much to drink. I was so hungover that, thirty minutes before I had to be in, I could barely move from my couch. Miraculously, I somehow made my way to work--on time, mind you!--only to find out as soon as I got in that I had to go out in the hot sun and get carts. So, by the time my break rolled around, I was not a happy camper. But then I got a Twitter notification from Will on my phone: Sandy Bullock and Melissa McCarthy are doing a buddy cop movie together. To this day, I'm not sure if it was because of my sickness, the heat or a surprise surge of hormones, but I damn near cried reading that. Yes, in the middle of the breakroom, I nearly cried over the vaguest of film plots and casting news. Have I reached a new level of cinephilia?

The reason I mention all this is because photographic evidence that this movie is actually going to happen and isn't just some cruel practical joke the world is playing on me has (finally) turned up:

Holy fuck. I was already sold before this, but now I want to have nasty sex with this picture. They are such badasses. As I said on Twitter, I am so excited for this movie I could cry, vomit and shit my pants all at the same time.

Every since the day I heard about this movie, I prayed and prayed to Oprah that the casting wouldn't fall through and we'd be stuck with Katherine Heigl and Octavia Spencer. Because, in all honesty, the main reason I'm excited for The Heat is because of Sandy and Melissa. With anyone else, this would barely be worth tweeting about. But Sandy and Melissa are so dear to me on their own (we all remember how hard I stanned for them in the respective years they were nominated for Oscars) the thought of them together is almost too much for me to handle. They have such wildly different comic personas--Sandy is simultaneously self-deprecating and goofy while Melissa's style is more balls-to-the-wall, in-your-face improv--I'm eager to see how well they work together. And with Bridesmaids director Paul Feig in their corner, I feel like this one will be hard to fuck up.

2011 Diva Cup Awards: The Oscar Categories

Best Picture

Beginners

☆Bridesmaids

Drive

Hanna

Young Adult

Best Actor

Dominic Cooper, The Devil's Double

Michael Fassbender, Shame

Mel Gibson, The Beaver

Ryan Gosling, Drive

☆Ewan McGregor, Beginners

An extremely tough decision between two star-making performances from Fassbender and Gosling, a dynamic duet of good and evil from Cooper and what should have been Gibson's return to the top. But McGregor sneaks past them all with his carefully constructed performance, delicately and intricately balanced between comedy and drama.

Best Actress

Juliette Binoche, Certified Copy

Kirsten Dunst, Melancholia

Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

☆Charlize Theron, Young Adult

Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids

Can you think of another performance where we are supposed to be simultaneously disgusted by a character's self-delusion and narcissism, yet, against all odds, find tiny bits of ourselves among the acid-tongue barbs and Diet Coke chugging? Oscar-winner Theron "slumming" it in a comedy is anything but.

Best Supporting Actor

Armie Hammer, J. Edgar

Jeremy Irons, Margin Call

Nick Nolte, Warrior

Chris O'Dowd, Bridesmaids

☆Christopher Plummer, Beginners 

For years and years, people have been going on about Plummer getting a career Oscar. I'm just glad that he won for something so well deserved as his work in Beginners. Like McGregor, he does a masterful job juggling the sly comedy of the script with the profound sadness that hangs over all the characters.

Best Supporting Actress

Rose Byrne, Bridesmaids

Mary Page Keller, Beginners

Mélanie Laurent, Beginners

☆Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids

Amy Ryan, Win Win

You don't even notice until long after the credits roll that Melissa McCarthy has indeed stolen Bridesmaids from everyone around her. McCarthy's balls-out, take-no-prisoners style of comedy is used to full effect and certainly grabs everyone's attention (Let us never forget that her Oscar clip is the "steamy undercarriage" moment!). But I suspect what really seals the deal for her is her final one-on-one moment with Wiig's Annie, a could-have-been schmaltz fest turned on its head by McCarthy's energy and heart.

Best Director

☆Mike Mills, Beginners

Asif Kapadia, Senna

Abbas Kiarostami, Certified Copy

Nicolas Winding Refn, Drive

Joe Wright, Hanna 

Best Original Screenplay

☆Diablo Cody, Young Adult

Abbas Kiarostami, Certified Copy

Leon Ford, Griff the Invisible

Mike Mills, Beginners

Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids

I've already gone on and on about Young Adult's ending--still a marvel--but there is so much to be appreciated in Cody's script. From its economy (a compact 95 minutes), to the way it captures chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction without making Mavis a caricature, to the way it makes even minor characters in The Mavis Gary Show human and interesting (a Cody specialty), Young Adult is another huge step forward for Diablo Cody as the premiere screenwriter of her time. She is a voice of a generation.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Austín Almodóvar & Pedro Almodóvar, The Skin I Live In

☆Hossein Amini, Drive

Dustin Lance Black, J. Edgar

Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Bryan Singer & Sheldon Turner (Story); Jane Goldman, Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz & Matthew Vaughn (Screenplay), X-Men: First Class 

Best Cinematography

☆Drive

Hanna

Melancholia

The Skin I Live In

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy 

Best Editing

Certified Copy

Drive

Hanna

Shame

☆Senna 

Best Costume Design

Jane Eyre

Immortals

The Skin I Live In

☆X-Men: First Class

Young Adult 

Best Art Direction

The Artist

☆Hanna

Immortals

The Skin I Live In

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy 

Best Score

The Artist

Drive

☆Hanna

Rio

Winnie the Pooh 

Best Song

The Muppets: "Pictures in My Head"

Winnie the Pooh: "The Backson Song"

☆X-Men: First Class: "Love Love"

Best Sound

Drive

☆Hanna

Jane Eyre

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Shame 

Best Makeup

☆Contagion

The Iron Lady

The Skin I Live In 

Best Visual Effects

Hugo

☆Rise of the Planet of the Apes

X-Men: First Class 

The Ladies of 2011

Yes, we are officially a month and a half into 2012 now, but there are still Best of 2011 lists to be made. I will not rest until they are all complete. So, let's get started, shall we? I gave you my Imaginary Boyfriends back in January. Now let's look at the women who made 2011 their bitch.

Friday Women: Katy Perry and Rebecca Black

If you were as shocked as I was at how big Katy Perry was in 2010, I bet you were just as shocked when she continued to be huge in 2011. I never would have guessed in a million years that Teenage Dream would not only churn out #1 hit after #1 hit a year after its release but that its 2011 singles would build upon the Katy Perry brand in unexpected and interesting ways. "E.T." was an unexpected fourth single, particularly since the mind-numbingly pedestrian "Peacock" was always a viable single choice, and showed Katy in a more mature light than "I Kissed a Girl" or even "California Gurls" from eight months previously. I wouldn't accuse "Last Friday Night" of being anywhere near as good of a song as "E.T.," but it did manage to have one of the best music videos of the year. Although massive in length, it manages the impressive task of never valuing the narrative over the music. The video is gloriously overstuffed with people dancing, swinging off banisters, puking and rocking out, but still feels like a real party you would want to be invited to.

Perhaps the smartest move for Katy in regards to her "Last Friday Night" video: casting the "other" Friday girl of 2011, Rebecca Black, as her friend/makeover specialist. It's stunt casting, sure, but Rebecca really sells it, looking every bit as unforced and personable as we have come to expect from her since her "debut" earlier in the year. The debut I speak of is, of course, "Friday," the internet sensation that became a full-blown phenomenon over the course of a couple days. The video was so bad, it had to be seen to be believed. And seen again and again and again. I probably watched it 50 times those first few days. It wasn't until much later that I realized I was still watching because of Rebecca herself. Say what you want about her or her voice, the girl has Charisma with a capital C and manages to pull the attention away from the horrible video surrounding her. Move over, Disney sluts: we have a new tween star on the rise.

The Legend & The Future of Pop: Britney Spears and Selena Gomez

When The Legendary Miss Britney Spears releases new music, it's an Event. Femme Fatale, her latest album, was no exception, proving that not only still a force to be reckoned with post-Gaga but that she also had some new tricks up her sleeve (the influence of the hard verse/soft chorus in "Hold It Against Me" could be heard in many songs by the end of the year). But an even bigger cause for celebration is the fact that Britney chose her heir to the pop throne in 2011: former Disney queen Selena Gomez. By giving her one of her songs--the utterly amazing "Whiplash"--Britney has symbolically decided on the future of pop music. And what a future she picked! Selena's 2011 album, When the Sun Goes Down, pushed her past both Demi and Miley as the supreme former Disney pop star. In just a couple of years, she has not only matured her sound but has also found a comfortable niche in the pop kingdom. All that and dating the biggest pop star in the world? Girlfriend really is taking lessons from Britney. And you couldn't ask for a better teacher.

Maids of (Dis)Honor: Kristen Wiig and Pippa Middleton

Both Kristen Wiig's character in Bridesmaids and Pippa Middleton were horrible maids of honor but in completely different ways. I'm sure everyone is well aware of my infatuation with Bridesmaids, so I'll spare you my rambling on how much I love Wiig's portrayal of a maid of honor hilariously battling depression, a shitty job, a new threat to her relationship with her best friend and food poisoning. She reeks havoc everywhere she goes. But even if it's messy, we at least know it will be funny as hell. Pippa, on the other hand, was more subtle with her destruction of the bride's shining moment. As you are all aware, Pippa was the maid of honor at the royal marriage of her sister Kate Middleton and Prince William. Instead of blending in the background like a good maid of honor, however, Pippa stole the spotlight. Every headline the day of the wedding mentioned Pippa and her gorgeous, sleek dress, which was not only white but every bit as pretty as Kate's actual wedding dress. That sneaky bitch! I like to imagine Pippa as the wild child of the Middleton clan, so I truly hope she fulfilled the duties of the maid of honor and slept with best man Prince Harry.

Plus-Sized Girls Have More Fun: Adele and Melissa McCarthy

Who says skinny bitches have all the fun? In 2011, Adele and Melissa McCarthy made headlines and stole shows based on actual talent rather than looks or notoriety. Between them, they racked up three #1 hits, an Emmy, six Grammys, two SAG nominations, an album with global sales of 17 million and an Oscar nomination. Not a bad haul, I must say. And to say their immense success was unexpected is a massive understatement. Who would have guessed in October 2010 that a neo-soul singer would find a sound that manages to appeal both to young, hip kids and older, more conservative listeners? Or that a plus-sized actress playing a crass, vulgar character in a blockbuster gross-out comedy would sneak past more traditional performances (like those of Shailene Woodley or Vanessa Redgrave) and snag an Oscar nomination? If the title of the first 2011 movie I saw proved anything, it's that you should never say never when it comes to unexpected critical and commercial darlings.

"She died as she lived: on all fours with three closeted actors staring at her butt."

In case you haven't seen me stanning the fuck out over this in the past week, Melissa McCarthy was the guest host on Saturday Night Live last Saturday. And, in case you have been living under a rock, she was fucking incredible, my favorite host since Jesse Eisenberg. Whether she was "dancing" with her Bridesmaids co-star Kristen Wiig, taste testing new Hidden Valley ranch dressing flavors or fellating a horse balloon, Melissa was a laugh riot from the beginning until the very end. Can we just give her her deserved Guest Actor Emmy already, please? I've already watched the episode twice and still haven't deleted the episode off my TiVo. The only other SNL episode I kept after I watched it the first time was the legendary Betty White episode (and right now I'm having a flashback to Betty shouting "Wizard of ASS!") so that is high praise indeed. I loved every second of the episode, but my favorite sketch has to be this TCM parody where Melissa plays a Mae West-like character named Lulu Diamonds. Here is the sketch:

My favorite thing about this sketch, besides the way Melissa says "Cheese 'n crackers!", is the fact that the entire sketch revolves around her falling down the stairs multiple times. And, without fail, I fucking crack up Every. Damn. Time. True story: Sunday morning I was at work and happened to think of the moment where Melissa crawls up the banister and then falls down on the staircase, and I started laughing completely out of context while the customer I was helping was paying for their purchase. Kind of embarrassing. But I have no regrets. Between this and rediscovering her work in Bridesmaids, I am officially a stan for Melissa McCarthy.