The Genericization of Cher Lloyd

With no less than two acts on the current series of the X-Factor UK mining the same "great singer who can also rap" style, it's obvious that last year's fourth place finisher Cher Lloyd has left her mark on the competition. Not surprising given the amount of attention, both good and bad, she received during her tenure on the show. Where some people (such as myself) saw an original, a breath of fresh air, not only to the competition but also to the music industry as a whole, other saw Cher as a self-entitled little twat who didn't feel she deserved all the ego-boosting she was receiving. I understand why this perturbed some people, but I thought it only added to the allure of Cher. Here was this raging diva cunt who made a member of One Direction cry (I'm pretty sure it was Niall because, well, look at him) with her vicious temper and self-delusion. But then she opens her mouth to sing and not only does she have one of the most unique voices you've ever heard but she can also rap and break your heart when she wants to, at the same time even. Who cares if she's self-entitled? With that talent, she deserves to be. Cher's attitude may have killed her chances of coming in first on the X-Factor but she ultimately won the whole damn thing anyways.

But a funny thing happened on the way to Cher's inevitable stardom. In an attempt to broaden her appeal, it appears that her record label has genericized everything that made Cher unique in the first place. I thought her divisive first single "Swagger Jagger" was an interesting, if not quite cohesive, pop jam with a catchy hook and a killer post-chorus breakdown at the very end. The major problem with the song, however, was that despite its "Fuck the haters" theme, nothing about it felt truly like a Cher Lloyd song. Her newest single, "With Ur Love," suffers from the same problem except exacerbated tenfold. Everything about the whole campaign feels like it should belong to just about any generic young pop starlet out there rather than Cher Lloyd. The single cover shows Cher standing in front of a large, red cutout of a heart. At first, I thought its use was ironic, a cheeky comment on Cher's acidic personality and reputation. But the more I see of this campaign, the more I'm coming to the conclusion that it is merely a ridiculously simplistic attempt to turn Cher into a wholesome teenage pop star. Don't believe me? Watch the video:

The entire thing is a cutesy affair which shows Cher hanging with her girlfriends, in her bedroom and then walking down the street, warbling about her new love in the most plastic, non-interesting way. And then the balloons come. Yes, fucking balloons, like Cher has been transported into Up. I mean, what in the fuck is this shit? Is this the same woman who sang "No Diggity" one week and then "Stay" the very next? These awful attempts at making Cher more commercial may work in the short-run but it will ultimately kill any long-term interest we once had. Granted, I haven't heard the whole album, the wonderfully (and appropriately) titled Sticks & Stones yet, and maybe there are tracks that show off the Cher Lloyd we know and love best. But until I hear that for myself, I remain pessimistic about the whole thing.

Some Eye Candy for Your Saturday Evening

I hope you've been enjoying my 100 Hot Men and a Dame series. If you are, it would be wonderful if you could spread the word (and the hot men) to everyone you know. Right now, I'm waiting on a couple of things for the next couple entries and then have a few ready to go after that, so in no time there will be lots more hotness to ogle over. In the mean time, here are a few new men (at least to my eyes) to tide you over until the next 100 Hot Men and a Dame entries.

First off, we have young British actor Douglas Booth. His most notable roles thusfar have been in two BBC productions: as Boy George in Worried About the Boy and as Christopher Isherwood's young lover in Christopher and His Kind. Douglas isn't a big name yet, but he has two big movies coming up that could propel him to stardom. He plays the romantic lead in Miley Cyrus's upcoming film LOL (way to pick 'em, gurl!) and, in perhaps the most promising prospect, as Romeo opposite Hailee Steinfeld's Juliet in the umpteenth adaptation of the Shakespeare play. What I love (and, admittedly, am a little bitter) about him is that he always looks so put together. His clothes are always impeccable; I can't think of another 19 year old who can wear a suit as well as he does. I feel like he's one of those guys who can roll out of bed, put on a pair of sweat pants and look like a model walking down the street. I'm so incredibly jealous of this guy, but then I look at his face and sigh at just how beautiful he is.

Model Leebo Freeman, with his piercings, tattoos, and platinum blond hair, is not my usual cup of tea. But he has such a distinctive look, which will no doubt help him with his modeling career, I can't help but be drawn to him. It certainly doesn't hurt that he has a banging body.

If you've been following my tweets about X-Factor US, you will probably notice that a majority of them are not about Simon, Paula or any of the contestants. Rather, they are about host Steve Jones and his unfathomable sexiness. Unlike the slimy and skeezy Ryan Seacrest, Steve appears to be an every day, down to earth kind of guy. The only thing not "every day" about him is his body. Goddamn! In order to one day get up and close and personal with Steve and his body, I've devised this scheme where I force my friend to try out for X-Factor. While they are on stage performing, I'm backstage with Steve going, "Oh, Steve, I'm so nervous for my friend!" He throws an arm around me to calm my fears. If my friend makes it through, I jump up and down and scream, "Oh, Steve, I'm so excited!" and he'll join me in a celebratory hug. If they don't make it through, I'll act melancholy and say, "Oh, Steve, how incredibly sad" and he'll give me a hug to lift my spirits. Every situation is a win win for me (and Steve as well, let's be honest).

I've never seen a Logan Lerman film, and that certainly won't be changing with the release of that awful looking Three Musketeers remake, but he's a cutie nonetheless. Logan isn't an out-of-this-world sex god like certain other actors his age--Taylor Lautner, for one. Instead, he's the cute, approachable boy in high school you could easily see yourself going out on a date with and having fun doing silly stuff like bowling or roller skating. Logan's brand of charm is quite rare, especially in Hollywood, and should be cherished whenever possible.

Joe Will Be the Princess

A friend of mine showed me this clip of Joe McElderry singing Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' on the X Factor live tour. As I've become a bit of a McElderry fanboy in the past couple weeks, I immediately loved this. He is just so freaking adorable. The only thing I'm sad about is that this was performed before he came out so the lyrics are changed so that he sounds like he loves the vagina. What I would have given for Joe to sing the lyric, "You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess." Oh well, it doesn't really matter; Joe will always be our princess.

All About Joe McElderry

I've wanted to write about last season's X-Factor winner Joe McElderry ever since he came out as a member of the homosexual race a few months ago, but, like many of my ideas, that ended up in the long list of Great Posts That Never Were. I thought it was a particularly brave and shocking decision given the fact that he's only 19 years old and had just won his country's biggest singing competition show. I never cared for him when he was on X-Factor (he always felt too safe and mundane to me week after week while Lloyd and Lucie were the ones who took chances and made much bigger impressions), but dropping the gay bomb like that definitely got me interested in him. Yes, I realize this makes me sound like one of those horrid After Elton gays who only supports gay artists simply because of their sexuality. To be honest, I was simply proud of him for coming out so early in his career when he clearly didn't have to. It's 2010 and a singer's sexuality shouldn't matter but it still does and that's something that can only change with time, patience and more people in Joe's position saying, "Fuck my sexuality. How about you judge me on my music?" After his announcement, an even bigger question arose: how on earth was Simon Cowell going to market him now that he's an out musician? Simon gets a lot of shit for his views on what "good" music is and the way he manages to get dire covers of dire ballads to #1 all the damn time, but he's definitely not stupid and not averse to switching things up. Remember when everyone thought Alexandra Burke's album was going to be another Leona snoozefest and it was instead filled with clubbanger after clubbanger? Simon still has a few tricks up his sleeve so his Joe McElderry project had the potential to be interesting. Was he going to stick to the Leona-style balladeering he became known for on X-Factor or would Simon turn him into a screaming queen á la Mika and Adam Lambert or would he do something completely different and unexpected? The questions were many, the answers were few and we could do nothing but wait impatiently while Joe got to work on his debut album.

And for months we waited. Suddenly, however, within the past couple of weeks, Joe flooded the media with new stuff as fast as Nicholas Hoult did after the premiere of A Single Man. First was the news that Joe had taken a side job as a male model while recording his album. I was initially skeptical, but his pictures are surprisingly amazing. His somewhat generically pleasing good looks in real life somehow become absolutely stunning when he's in front of the camera. Joe is like one of those America's Next Top Model hopefuls who Tyra & Co. find kind of boring during judging but are left speechless when they see that week's photo. Next came the release of the absolutely gorgeous album cover for his upcoming debut, Wide Awake. His face was just meant for black and white photography, I swear. Whenever you see him on TV or in a color photo, his beauty never pops quite as much as it does in black and white.

Finally, over the weekend came the first listen of Joe's first single, 'Ambitions.' The song is a cover of a fantastic song from last year by this Norwegian band called Donkeyboy. When I first heard this, I was leery because if there's one thing about the UK music scene I just don't understand is their love of song covers. Every year, whether it's because of X-Factor or the Comic Relief charity single or some worldwide catastrophe that needs a relief single, at least four or five covers top the chart. I wouldn't have a problem if these artists actually changed the song to make it their own, but every damn time the cover is just a lifeless karaoke version of the original. The example I always cite is The Saturdays' recent hit cover of 'Just Can't Get Enough.' The song is cute enough, I guess, but what exactly did they do to the song to make it their own? Females are singing the leads this go-around and the sound is updated to be more "now" but other than that? Absolutely nothing. 'Just Can't Get Enough' sounds exactly like something a couple of my friends and I could produce after a round of drinks at the local karaoke bar. Yes, it may be a good time, but it not what I would call a "successful" cover. In order for a cover to be good in my book, I think the artist either needs to have a distinctive enough voice that whatever they sing automatically sounds like them or the artist needs to reinterpret the song either emotionally or musically. For the former, I like to think of Britney Spears. Her covers over the years of '(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction,' 'I Love Rock 'N Roll' and 'My Prerogative' never deviated much from the original versions, but Brit's warble is so distinctive each of those songs sound unmistakably hers. As for the latter, Whitney Houston's megahit version of 'I Will Always Love You' turned Dolly Parton's slow, melancholic original into one of the biggest power ballads ever recorded. And then there is Kris Allen changing Kanye West's 'Heartless' into a surprisingly awesome acoustic jam. Simon Cowell is usually the one to blame for all of these covers, but occasionally he gets one right, as he did with Alexandra Burke's 'Hallelujah' and Leona Lewis' 'Run.' So why can't he do it more often?

I was initially afraid that Joe's first single was going to fall into the same trap as many of Simon Cowell's covers. And from the moment I first heard the song, my fears were quickly realized. Joe's 'Ambitions' wasn't bad, as no cover of a song that amazing could ever be truly "bad," but it was so faithful to the original, I could hardly see the purpose of it. I was resigned to simply chuck the song and hope that his album would quickly erase the memory of it, but something about his 'Ambitions' pulled me in. I listened to it again and liked it a bit more. Then I listened again and the same thing happened. Finally, 16 plays later, I have come to the conclusion that I now love this song. The more I listened to it, the more I realized that Joe's version actually differs in small ways which make the song completely different from the Donkeyboy version. Where the Donkeyboy version of 'Ambitions' is more or less in the same dynamic range the whole way through, Joe's version decrescendos slightly after the first line of the verse. Then, right before the chorus, you can feel the song building up into a mini explosion in the chorus, giving Joe's version a more pop-y feeling than Donkeyboy's while fulfilling Simon Cowell's love of big emotional choruses. I don't mean to give the impression that one version is better than the other; all I'm trying to say is that whereas I once thought Joe's 'Ambitions' was a copycat, I now see merits in it that sets it apart from the original. I think both versions are great for what they are and to compare them is almost unfair. Now I'm waiting on bated breath for the music video which, judging by these behind the scenes pics, looks to be a good gay ole time. You go, Joe, and be as gay and amazing as you want to be. And in the words of Popjustice, "WE LOVE YOU, JOE."

John & Edward are Ruining Reality Singing Competitons (And I Love Them)

During the seven long months of the year where American Idol isn't consuming my every waking thought, I go through withdrawal. Although exhausting at the time, I feel at my most alive ranting and raving like a lunatic about this dumb singing competition. I may not be solving world peace, but damn it feels good. So, thank goodness Kameron at Kameron Aloud has turned me on to this season's X-Factor. It's just the fix I need to get me through to January and the new season of Idol. And I wasted no time judging the X-Factor's finalists (Apparently I was so harsh, Kameron basically told me to shut the fuck up. Ouch. I suppose I had a lot of pent up bitchiness left over from May). I must say, I'm a tad disappointed in this season's talent. For a show that's brought us both Leona Lewis and Same Difference, I have yet to see that level of potential from more than a couple of contestants. I loved Lucie's audition, but she was kinda blah during the competition until her flawless rendition of 'My Funny Valentine' last week. The Lloydster has had a rough road thusfar, most likely due to the fact that Cheryl has yet to really understand who he is as an artist and pick a song to show that, but his much maligned 'Bleeding Love' was actually quite well done up until that awful chorus (and this is coming from a mega-fan of Leona's original). As for the others, I can't say I've been impressed. Stacie is completely overrated (her ballyhooed version of 'The Scientist' was flat, dull and went absolutely nowhere), Danyl thinks he's already won the damn thing despite being completely dull (bitch please, you are not Jennifer Hudson and you're rendition of "And I Am Telling You" will never match hers, no matter what Simon says) and I want to smack Olly in his smug face every time he appears on screen. But amid these mediocre talents, there is one act that rises above the rest and makes each week an absolute joy to watch. You know them and probably hate them: John and Edward.


Just so you know, I do realize that John and Edward can't sing. Yes, their vocals are always the weakest aspect of their performance. I get it. But they are so damn funny and they definitely know how to put on a good show. Can you honestly watch their performance of "Oops! I Did It Again" and not laugh your ass off? If you didn't at least chuckle during their recreation of the spoken word section, you honestly have no soul.

As much as I like them, however, I honestly believe they deserve every piece of criticism thrown at them from the die hard X-Factor fans. I know how it feels to have a crappy singer invade the Top 12 and then dominate the screen time with theatrics instead of legitimate music talent. Remember people, we all lived through Sanjaya. Some people loved his little joke act and saw the humor in it, but I am so obsessed with Idol that I just couldn't take it. Every damn week I cursed my screen when America voted off a promising talent in favor of this talentless moron. So, Brits, I know exactly what you're going through and I totally sympathize. But I'm not a legitimate X-Factor fanatic yet so I'm not offended by John and Edward's lack of musical talent. At this point, I'm just hoping they stick around for a few more camptastic performances until we can find a true frontrunner this year.