And now it's time for Sharon Stone to get up there and do her opening statements, right. So she goes up and looks, she holds the podium and looks out in the audience and she says, totally seriously, she goes like this, "You know, ummm, I've spoken about this topic so many times, I don't know if there's anything new I can say about it. So, I'm going to read you something I once read a long. time. ago." And everyone's looking at each other, "What is she...?" I don't know. So...right, it's kinda weird, right? So, then she takes out a piece of paper and goes like this, totally seriously, she goes like this, "Imagine there's...no heaven/It's easy...if you try/No hell below us/Above us only sky"...At this point, I get what I like to call the "church giggles." That's when you're laughing, inappropriately at an inappropriate time and you can't stop, no matter what. I mean I got the shoulders going like this. *starts shaking* I'm crying a little bit. Here's the thing: Sharon Stone is reciting the lyrics to "Imagine" and CRYING AT HER OWN PERFORMANCE....that's funny! I'm only human! Alright, so then she stops and goes, "Wow, ummm, that reminds me. I was walking down the street here in New York many years ago and I passed a man and he passed me. And I went, 'Whoa, that's John Lennon.' And I smiled at him and he smiled at me." In the mean time, I'm watching this thinking, "Oh, I though John Lennon was so into Yoko. No, he's cruising the park, hitting on Sharon Stone." And then she goes, "And then we smiled at each other and then walked away...You may say, I'm a dreamer." Alright, she finishes and I look around and there are people literally moved to tears. I'm fucked! 'Cause if they like that, they're not going to like me and my vagina jokes!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Moment I Became Infatuated With Kathy Griffin
I try not to think of it, but there was a time when Two-Time Emmy Award-Winner Kathy Griffin was not a part of my life. I remember the day I was first acquainted with the D-List Diva. My parents had just gotten the Bravo channel and we kept seeing these commercials for a comedienne who was making fun of Britney Spears and Whitney Houston. Needless to say, I didn't need anyone to ask me twice to see what she was all about. The special was her Bravo debut, The D-List, and today marks the fifth anniversary of its release. Right from the opening, when she proclaimed that Britney Spears was "our new Liza," I knew I was going to like her. However, it was this monologue below that truly converted me to the ways of Kathy Griffin. I swear, the first time I saw this I was laughing so hard, I was shaking and couldn't catch my breath for the longest time. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship that, fortunately, has only grown stronger with time.