Friday, February 26, 2010

People Who Can Suck It: Ashley Cole

(This post is for Kameron, who both requested this entry and let me borrow the fabulous image below he made himself)

Who Needs to Suck It: Ashley Cole, British footballer and now future ex-husband of Girls Aloud babe, X-Factor judge and all-around glamour goddess Cheryl Cole.

Why He Needs to Suck It: Over the past couple weeks, if you're British (or just wish you were British), the most pressing news story of the decade has been unfolding in front of your eyes: Ashley Cole, premier British footballer, had been caught having an affair with some random skank after naked pictures of himself from his cell phone had been leaked to the press. As if that wasn't bad enough, as the days wore on, more and more bimbos came out of the woodwork to announce that they too had fucked Mr. Cole. Although the number was nowhere near as high the number involved in the Tiger Woods debacle, there was still enough to send shockwaves through the British public. Cheryl, still reeling from another of Cole's alleged affairs a couple of years ago, had to escape to L.A. with fellow footballer wife Victoria Beckham (what a doll!) to clear her head and avoid public scrutiny. Now that she's come to her senses and left the cheating dickwad for good, I only have one question: How could Ashley do it? You have a classy, bangin' sex goddess like Cheryl Cole waiting for you at home and you go out and fuck random skanks instead? Seriously? Man, if presented the opportunity to marry and sleep with Cheryl, even I don't think I could turn her down (I'm a sucker for big hair, what can I say?). Ashley Cole is a slutty piece of disgusting slime only worth mentioning as an example of men who aren't deserving of stunningly gorgeous and eternally talented women like Cheryl. I hope he dies alone and lonely for hurting our Cheryl like this; it is the only fitting retribution for repeatedly playing her for the fool like he has.

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