Who Needs to Suck It: Terrence Malick, legendary reclusive filmmaker who, over the span of a 40 year career, has managed to release four films (with a fifth one on its way soon) all to massive critical acclaim and adoration.Why He Needs to Suck It: Because the three films of his I have seen have been insufferably boring. I know this won't exactly make me any friends among my cinema-savvy readers, but I have to get this off my chest. I'm all for the idea that not all films (and filmmakers) are for everyone. There are no such things as "indisputable classics" or directors who can do no wrong. If people tell you this and make you feel like a moron who "just doesn't get it" for not liking a certain film, tell those pretentious assholes to suck your dick. Movies, like any art, are subjective and we all have our own tastes and preferences. So, I respect everyone who is of the opinion that Malick is a god. In return, please respect my opinion by not filling my comment boxes with responses like, "OMG WHY DON'T YOU LIKE TERRENCE MALICK?!?! HE IS AMAZINGGGGGGG. YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MOVIES." I get why everyone likes him, but he does absolutely nothing for me. His cinematography is often gorgeous to look at, usually resembling something closer to a collection of paintings rather than a film. I find his films use this pretty exterior as a cover for a hollow interior. I realize that films can work without a visible "plot" but these films usually have a little something extra going for it--whether it's great performing or just a general effervescent spirit that runs through. Malick's films, for me anyways, are simply dull. It's one picture postcard after another with a couple characters speaking innocuous dialogue to shape some vague sense of coherency and story. Yes, his films are nice to look at, but pretty pictures alone don't make for a great film.
(This post is for Kameron, who both requested this entry and let me borrow the fabulous image below he made himself)
Who Needs to Suck It: Ashley Cole, British footballer and now future ex-husband of Girls Aloud babe, X-Factor judge and all-around glamour goddess Cheryl Cole.Why He Needs to Suck It: Over the past couple weeks, if you're British (or just wish you were British), the most pressing news story of the decade has been unfolding in front of your eyes: Ashley Cole, premier British footballer, had been caught having an affair with some random skank after naked pictures of himself from his cell phone had been leaked to the press. As if that wasn't bad enough, as the days wore on, more and more bimbos came out of the woodwork to announce that they too had fucked Mr. Cole. Although the number was nowhere near as high the number involved in the Tiger Woods debacle, there was still enough to send shockwaves through the British public. Cheryl, still reeling from another of Cole's alleged affairs a couple of years ago, had to escape to L.A. with fellow footballer wife Victoria Beckham (what a doll!) to clear her head and avoid public scrutiny. Now that she's come to her senses and left the cheating dickwad for good, I only have one question: How could Ashley do it? You have a classy, bangin' sex goddess like Cheryl Cole waiting for you at home and you go out and fuck random skanks instead? Seriously? Man, if presented the opportunity to marry and sleep with Cheryl, even I don't think I could turn her down (I'm a sucker for big hair, what can I say?). Ashley Cole is a slutty piece of disgusting slime only worth mentioning as an example of men who aren't deserving of stunningly gorgeous and eternally talented women like Cheryl. I hope he dies alone and lonely for hurting our Cheryl like this; it is the only fitting retribution for repeatedly playing her for the fool like he has.
I know I've been harsh towards Katy Perry over the past year and a half, but Lord knows she deserved it. When 'I Kissed a Girl' became an overnight sensation a couple summers ago, I dismissed her and the song's popularity quite harshly because of the fact it is just another piece of shit song about girls making out for the pleasure of straight guys. Just thinking about that song now pisses me off to no extent (let's not even get into 'Ur So Gay'). Thankfully, her next singles ('Hot N Cold' and 'Waking Up in Vegas') were great enough to slightly forgive her for 'I Kissed a Girl.' I still wasn't completely on Team Katy, however, because I still think she tries too hard to be taboo and shocking (she's not as bad as Adam Lambert, thank the Lord).When she was announced as a guest judge for Idol this past week, I honestly wasn't expecting much: she'd deliver a couple pointless critiques, I'd yawn and we'd all go on with our boring lives. Imagine my surprise when she came out swinging, ready to piss off contestants and judges alike without giving a shit who she offended. Watch the amazingness below:The best bits:1. "This isn't a Lifetime movie!"2. Kara: "Are you hot or are you cold?" Katy: Sarcastic guffaw and cymbal crash3. Kara: "I kissed a dolphin and I liked it" Katy: "Please stop. Or I'm gonna have to throw my Coke in your face."My favorite part about all this is that she is completely gunning for Kara. Now, I've made no secret about my hatred for the incoherent fucktard that is Kara, so seeing Katy just lay into her and call her out on her bullshit just made my day. You can tell by her demeanor that Kara cannot believe someone would have the audacity to question her judgment--she's an American Idol judge, Goddamnit. Who knows better than her how to manipulate the audience with cheesy backstories, mediocre vocals and shameless manipulation spot talent?All I can say is, thank you, Katy Perry. Thank you for bringing Kara down a few notches and reminding her that she isn't some huge irreplaceable star with talent and wisdom to spare (like she often thinks she is). For your complete owning of Kara DioGuardi, you officially are off my "People Who Can Suck It" list. Congratulations! I sincerely hope this can list because, honestly, as a gay man, I want to like you. You seem fun, silly and ridiculously unconcerned with what people think of you- all my favorite things.
Who Needs to Suck It: Gwyneth Paltrow, Academy Award-winning actress (you do not know how much it pains me to type that) and all-around stuck-up, pain in the ass.Why She Needs to Suck It: If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, I've been known to randomly bitch about the one and only Mrs. Chris Martin whenever she pops into my head. First of all, I've never been a fan of her acting. She may have been "luminous" and "charming" in Shakespeare in Love but one thing she wasn't was interesting. An Oscar for standing around, pretending to be funny and wearing a mustache in a crappy, unfunny romantic comedy posing as "art"? Give me a break. If this was Twitter, I'd start a #montenegrowasrobbed tag right now. As for her other films I've managed to sit through, Proof was a hot mess (when I think of actresses who are capable of doing an internalized mental breakdown, Gwyneth is not at the top of my list) and I wasn't buying it for a minute that Gwyneth would slum it with a dirty looking Joaquin Phoenix in Two Lovers. The real turning point for me in my Paltrow-hating, however, was this clip from Kathy Griffin's Allegedly stand up special (Part 1, fast-forward to the 5 minute mark, and Part 2). Isn't she just the most awful person ever? What I find most irritating about her is that she thinks she is above us common folk and lords it over us every chance she gets. Nicole Kidman may be aloof, but she doesn't spend all her freetime like Gwynie making ridiculous newsletters about what people of the lower classes need to do to be just a little bit more like her (but you'll never equal her because, dahling, you just don't have enough money). Seriously, everytime I hear about a new GOOP newsletter on Just Jared and the contents of the latest issue I have to suppress an urge to punch my computer screen into next week. Who is she to think that her rich bitch, condescending rules of living are the best way of life for everyone? Am I seriously going to take advice from a woman who named her fucking kids Apple and Moses? And I could live with the fact that she did these as some kind of joke poking fun at herself (I can totally see Victoria Beckham doing something like that while also making fun of her celebrity at the same time), she is totally serious with this newsletter, like she is about every thing in her life. I still find it incredible that the charming and utterly hilarious Blythe Danner birthed this crabby, uptight twat.
Who Needs to Suck It: Megan Fox, a stick with huge boobs, the star of Transformers and inexplicable "hot" girl to retarded straight guys who have obviously never met a really woman in their life.Why She Needs to Suck It: I can live with the fact that she's simply a shameless, masturbatory fantasy thrown in for the straight guys because, let's face it, there are a ton of untalented hot guys running around Hollywood for our benefit. No, what I can't really, really can't stand about her is that she thinks that she's this clever celebrity who is now popular enough to start talking about whatever the fuck she wants. Often the stuff that comes out is just stupid word vomit. Take her take on High School Musical for example:Let me tell you what it's really about. High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron's dad. It's about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow there's music involved. You have to get stoned and watch it.
Oh wow. Aren't you so clever for picking on an enormous film franchise aimed at kids and making a joke about how it's all about molestation and homosexuality! My, the wit in that statement is just astounding. I don't know if anyone else can ever be allowed to give a witty interview because Megan Fox has just topped us all for all time. The whole time she gives interviews like this, you can almost see her calculating just how outrageous to be so people will pay attention to her and think, "Wow, she is an interesting girl." Please, stop trying to be Angelina (the world can barely tolerate one of her as it is) and go back to making your movies about enormous robots beating the shit out of each other and leave us alone.
Who Needs to Suck It: Miley Cyrus, Disney robot designed for total tween domination thanks to her massively successful TV show Hannah Montana and her Top 40 crossover hit "See You Again"Why She Needs to Suck It: I'm not going to deny that both "See You Again"-- come on, "My best friend Leslie said, 'Oh, she's just being Miley," is one of the most ingenious lyrics in the history of pop music-- and "Start All Over" are brilliant songs, because they are, but there are two main reasons why she needs to suck it. First of all, Miley is a horribly unfunny comedienne. That wouldn't be such a bad thing if her show wasn't a comedy. I don't watch her show regularly, but I've caught good chunks of a couple of episodes and she's the most clunky, unnatural comedienne I think I've ever seen. How did she get so famous in the first place with that awful, unfunny and confusing (am I the only one who had to have the concept repeated to me at least three times, slowly, just to get the basics?) show. Secondly, this is her boyfriend. Yes, this little fugly elf is dating this hunk of a man. I am beyond jealous right now-- I want to kill the troll and run away to Mexico with her man. So what if he's religious and sings country music? With that body, he could be a priest during guitar mass and I'd still want to bone him.
Who Needs to Suck It: Katy Perry, inexplicably hot singer as of right now thanks to the success of "I Kissed a Girl"
Why She Needs to Suck It: I don't have as much of a problem with Perry, per se, as I do with her song. "I Kissed a Girl" is inoffensive on its own, but its sudden and huge popularity pisses me off. I'm not going to call the song homophobic or anything like that because it's really not. Instead, I'm going to focus on my disgust that we have yet another medium playing into the straight male fantasy of two straight women getting so drunk that they let go of their inhibitions and make out with each other. Straight guys: this does not ever happen outside of The Real World or Girls Gone Wild so stop pretending that this song will change things. It makes me want to vomit thinking about the vapid, empty-headed party girls who think this song is clever and now will be using it as an excuse to make out with a random girl for fun one night at a kegger. There's also a hidden double standard that comes with the popularity of this song: if Justin Timberlake released a song called "I Kissed a Boy" and only changed the word "girl" to "boy," there's no way in hell it would ever be popular. The same people who loved "I Kissed a Girl" would be grossed out and some Baptist church would probably burn copies of the CD. So, Katy Perry, your second single better be one hell of a song if you're gonna convert me to your side after the poorly written piece of shit that is "I Kissed a Girl."
Who Needs to Suck It: Jason Castro, current contestant on this season of American Idol.Why He Needs to Suck It: This long-haired, dredlocked hippie freak is this season's pest that won't go away. With the vocal ability that could only impress 13 year old girls who have never heard music before or Helen Keller, he disgusts me every time I see his mug on the television. And not only has he pissed on the legacy of Judy Garland by massacring my beloved "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (which no one should ever, EVER cover) a couple of weeks ago, but just last night he whispered and warbled through Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Memory" (one of my favorites of his). I don't understand the appeal of this kid; he can't sing and every time I look at him I just think he needs a shower. Yuck. Hopefully, after last night's abysmal performance, America will wake up and kick this loser off the show.
