Why Toy Story 3 Wasn't Meant for Me

1. Toy Story 3 relies a lot on the audience reminiscing about their own childhood and favorite toys back then. Unlike most people, however, I never had any permanent attachment to a toy. My mother once told me that when I was around three years old, she asked me to give up my blankie, and instead of refusing or throwing a temper tantrum like many three year olds would, I simply handed it over. My two favorite toys when I was a kid were a stuffed red Power Ranger inexplicably named Maximilian and a Beanie Baby panda named Fortue, both of which I outgrew by junior high. So, instead of bawling at Andy's hard decision to give up all of his toys and the fond memories he had with them, I sat there thinking, "Jesus, Andy. You're 18 for Christ's sake. It's about time you got rid of those damn toys."

2. As much as Toy Story 3 relies on the audience to think back fondly on their childhood, it also relies on the fact that they have an attachment of any sort to the characters from the first two films. I have seen both of the previous films but not since 1999. And while I enjoyed both of those films, I never had any overwhelming desire to see them again. When it comes to Toy Story 3, I, again, enjoyed my time with Woody and company but I'm missing the complete connection the film requires.

3. I laughed my ass off during the scene when the toys, facing their eminent doom in some PIT OF HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, link hands in solidarity and love. It's a surprisingly dark and touching moment, but I suppose I was laughing more out of discomfort over the fact that this animated film aimed at kids went so twisted and creepy. I guess I appreciate now that they had the balls to do that, but at the time I was so stunned I couldn't do anything but laugh.

4. I have no heart.