Love Struck

I saw these pictures of model Dylan Forsberg the other day and I was literally dumbstruck by how pretty he is. I had never heard of him before but now I think you can count me as one of his fans. Just...wow. These pictures take me back to the good ole days when I was a complete Nazi and thought that blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans were the most beautiful people on the planet. Thankfully, that was all I ever agreed with the Nazis on.

The Women of François' Boudoir

François Truffaut may have been one of the greatest film directors who walked the earth, but he was also a complete ho. Seriously. I was in a Truffaut mood today for whatever reason so I decided to surf the web for random tidbits about him. After awhile, I stumbled upon this brief biography of him. I swear to God I almost needed a dose of penicillin to get through it. Over the course of his career, he fucked at least five of his leading ladies. Five! I can't believe it. I know he's a Frenchman but that's just ridiculous. The one nice thing I can say about this whole situation is that at least he had exquisite taste in French actresses. The five women are (in approximately the order he slept with them):

Jeanne Moreau


Françoise Dorleac


Claude Jade


Catherine Deneuve


Fanny Ardant

The Best Mad Lib Ever

From the tween magazine I bought the other day:

Zac Dumps Vanessa for You!

Zac realizes you're the only girl for him in this silly story!

You're kickin' it at your house with the girls when you hear a blank (a funny sound) at the door. It's Zac Efron with a gift: It's a blank (an animal) to show you how much he cares! "This pet is as blank (an adjective) as you!" he explains. "I dumped Vanessa! She wears her blank (an ugly color) blank (an accessory) too much." You blank (a verb) for joy, and he blank (a cleaning action) you off your blank (a body part)! He asks you on a date to blank (a fictional location) where he buys you a(n) blank (a piece of furniture), and the two of you live happily for blank (a number) years.

And here is my answer (I must admit I was a little intoxicated when I came up with this).

You're kickin' it at your house with the girls when you hear a murp (a funny sound) at the door. It's Zac Efron with a gift: It's a zebra (an animal) to show you how much he cares! "This pet is as bitchin' (an adjective) as you!" he explains. "I dumped Vanessa! She wears her puke green (an ugly color) diamond ring (an accessory) too much." You fuck (a verb) for joy, and he mops (a cleaning action) you off your nose (a body part)! He asks you on a date to Narnia (a fictional location) where he buys you a(n) ottoman (a piece of furniture), and the two of you live happily for three (a number) years.

I Am Terrified for the Future of Filmmaking

I am not a film major, but this past semester I decided to take a course about film genres to (attempt to) keep my sanity amid my accounting and business classes. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed far, far away from this class. Let me just start by stating my overall thesis for this blog post: If the people in my film genre class are any indication as to what films in 10-15 years are going to be like, December 21, 2012 can not come quick enough. A nuclear apocalypse would be less painful than the shit movies I'm going to have to sit through from these people.

I must add right here that I enjoyed the class and loved the professor. I had had her before in an earlier introductory film class and thought she was amazing. She actually showed foreign movies, much to the dismay of the idiots in the class, and introduced me to Breathless so I will forever be grateful to her. What drove me crazy about the class was the students. I have been in business classes for so long, I forgot how irritating those couple of kids who have an opinion about everything and feel the need to express it fourteen times a class were. And it always seemed these stereotypical fanboys had opinions during weeks when we discussed genres I didn't care about. During horror week, we had a 30 minute long discussion about Sam Raimi's Spider-Man movies after briefly mentioning The Evil Dead. And, my God, you couldn't shut them up during fantasy week when Lord of the Rings came up. But when melodrama week came up, they were quieter than Taylor Momsen at a Celibacy Club meeting (Not to toot my own horn, but the professor was impressed that week that I had seen Broken Blossoms, Terms of Endearment and In the Mood for Love outside of a film class). As if that wasn't bad enough, it felt like for the most part none of them had a seen a film made before The Godfather but a majority of the class had seen The Neverending Story.

What really set me off about the stupidity of these future filmmakers were our final projects. The assignment was to take a film and discuss it relative to genre, whether it's an argument why it falls in one particular genre, why it's a hybrid of two genres or the persona of one of the film's stars. We had the choice to do a paper or a presentation and, since I obviously never read the papers, I only have the presentations to comment on. And boy do I have a lot to say about them.

The first one that really drove me crazy was a presentation on Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. For a brief second, I actually thought that this might be an interesting presentation because who doesn't love hearing about a Hitchcock film? As the presentation wore on, however, it quickly became clear that the girl probably only chose the film because she didn't have to do much research to find article and books about it. With the number of factual errors in her presentation, she obviously didn't give a shit about the film or Alfred Hitchcock (which is sad because he's only the greatest director ever and far more fascinating than anyone working today). For instance, the girl at one point claimed that Juno and the Paycock was Hitchcock's first film. Now, I don't have the chronology of his entire filmography memorized, but I knew that sounded fishy as soon as it came out of her mouth. Sure enough, the bitch got it wrong. Juno and the Paycock was his 12th film, not his 1st. Seriously bitch, go to IMDb and verify this shit. It's not that fucking hard. As if that wasn't bad enough, she then referred to American Psycho, the 2000 film based on Bret Easton Ellis' novel and starring Christian Bale, as a sequel and/or remake of Psycho. When she said this, I wanted to get out of my seat, go to the front of the classroom and punch her in the face like she's that bitch from Jersey Shore. How stupid can you possibly be? I mean, where on Earth is she getting this information from? Did she just assume that since they both have the word psycho in them they must be related?

Oh, and she was only the tip of the iceberg. There was this other dirty hippie bitch that drove me absolutely nuts even before she started talking. Earlier in the year, while discussing Holocaust films, she came out of nowhere and started talking about Persepolis, which she outright admitted that she had never seen and obviously knew nothing about it. So we had to take a two minute detour from the lecture to get her back on track and finally shut the fuck up. She decided to discuss City of God, which hurt right away since I'm a massive Meirelles fanboy. I tried to be objective at first, but some of the first words out of her mouth made me hate her even more: "I'm talking about City of God which is like ALL in Portuguese." Now, out of context, this may not seem so bad, but the way she emphasized "all" it made it sound like we should give her a fat fucking medal for willingly watching a foreign language movie. Yes, bitch, you are so amazing and we should throw you a fucking parade for your valor and intelligence. Give me a fucking break.

Now I have to talk about the guy who couldn't follow directions to save his life. In the first place, the professor sent at least three e-mails to all the presenters telling them that they needed to bring their presentations on memory sticks because there was no time to switch between her computer and someone else's. I don't know if he didn't get these e-mails, didn't read them carefully or is just a complete dumbass, but he came to class with his laptop and seemed completely clueless and dumbstruck when the professor asked if he had his presentation on a memory stick. I could tell the professor wanted to strangle him--hell I wanted to strangle him--but she had to be nice and quickly disconnect her computer and connect his to the project her. Next his presentation started and it was so awful I would have jumped out the window if we weren't on the first floor. First of all, he decided to talk about Superman, but instead of focusing on one of the films like the assignment asked, he went on and on about Superman's origins in comic books. Uh, yes, that's completely relevant to a film genre class. Then he couldn't get the (unnecessary) sound to work on one of his stupid slides. The professor had to keep reminding him that he only had 10 minutes and couldn't spend the time fixing the slide but he decided to ignore her and kept on fooling around with the sound on this one goddamn slide.

I know this may seem inconsequential and petty on my part, but this whole class just bothered me. Judging by the students, films are going to be even more blockbuster-heavy and dumber than the dreck that gets released every summer. If you can't even get basic facts right in a simple presentation or have such a limited knowledge of films you don't know much about pre-1980 films, what the hell are you going to do when you're a director on a film set? Not anything I want to see, that's what.

I'll leave you with one concluding remark from the last presentation of the day: Casablanca is apparently now a film noir.

(Oh, and if anyone's interested, I'd be glad to post my paper about What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? and how its a horror and melodrama film hybrid. My prof said it was brilliant!)

Top 100 Songs of the 2000's: #80-61

The countdown continues. For #100-81, click here.

80. Aaliyah 'More Than a Woman'
2002. From Aaliyah.

It figures that as soon as I became interested in Aaliyah's music she was killed in a tragic plane crash just weeks before 9/11. 'More Than a Woman,' her first posthumous hit, may not be her best song, but it's the one I always think of first when I think of her. The song is a fitting tribute to the artist she had grown into and the artists she could have become. RIP Baby Girl.




79. Dixie Chicks 'Landslide'
2002. From Home.

While countless artists over the decade tried their hands at covering previous hits, very few realized that you had to do more than just sing the notes to make it work. The Dixie Chicks understood this when adapting the Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks classic to their signature country sound. And while they stay true to those roots, the Chicks also make it listenable to non-country fans (can you imagine how someone like Gretchen Wilson would have mangled the song's poignant beauty?). For that I'm eternally grateful.





78. Britney Spears 'Stronger'
2000. From Oops!...I Did It Again.

As the third single from her second album, Brit's 'Stronger' was unfortunately forgotten amid her usual controversy-starting antics. Thankfully, the song has recently begun to be reappraised by Brit fans as one of the, er, strongest singles of her career. The song may not have been earthshattering like 'Baby, 'Oops' or 'Slave,' but it's a fun girl power anthem and contains Brit's best vocal performance to date.




77. Justin Timberlake 'Cry Me a River'
2003. From Justified.

And speaking of Britney, JT finally proved his worth as a solo artist with this Timbaland-produced valentine to the woman who completely fucked him over (Or so he says. Funny, he's made two songs about what a whore Britney was yet she's remained mum on the whole situation). Besides starting his winning relationship with producer Timbaland, 'Cry Me a River' also solidified Timberlake as THE male solo artist of the decade and the one R&B singer every young white singer could look up to and emulate.




76. Natasha Bedingfield 'Unwritten'
2006. From Unwritten.

Say what you want about it--and I'll be the first to say that's it's neither the most sophisticated or subtle song ever written--but I find 'Unwritten' to be a wonderful song. I must admit that this is more of a sentimental pick as it became popular around the time I graduated high school and its message was terribly important to me. Plus, if you think about it, there are so many ways its inspirational message could have come off as extremely cheesy (think 'The Climb' or 'No Boundaries').




75. P!nk 'Don't Let Me Get Me'
2002. From M!ssundaztood.

The moment P!nk went from pop star to musical icon speaking directly to and for me. As a 13 year old boy working through his own issues, you can't imagine how glad I was to find such an artist in a genre perhaps best defined by dance songs and love ballads.







74. The Saturdays 'If This Is Love'
2008. From Chasing Lights.

Before The Saturdays (aka "Girls Aloud for the Recession") took a complete nosedive with Wordshaker, they released a slew of bitchin' singles from their debut album. 'If This Is Love,' with its big chorus and addictive "call and response" structure, just happened to be the best of them.






73. Kanye West featuring Daft Punk 'Stronger'
2007. From Graduation.

Never in a million years would have I predicted that combining the 'Jesus Walks' rapper with the electropop group that brought us 'One More Time' would have made something as epic sounding and feeling as 'Stronger.' Say what you want about him after "TaylorGate" a couple of months ago, but I'm glad rap music has someone like Kanye constantly taking risks and pushing his music beyond the limits of the genre. I'd rather have a cocky asshole like Kanye than any of these one-hit-wonders-in-the-making rappers making the dreck on the radio I'm continuously forced to listen to.





72. Beyoncé 'Ring the Alarm'
2006. From B'day.

Beyoncé went from an artist I adored to one I completely worshipped with every new, batshit crazy thing she came up with the moment I heard her sputter out "Ring the alarm/I've been through this too long/But I'll be DAMNED if I see another chick on your arm" in her now infamous "B ain't takin' no bullshit" voice. 'Ring the Alarm' was a turning point in her career and, unfortunately, it was ignored by the public. Let's hope this song gets rediscovered for the gem it truly is.





71. Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams 'Kids'
2000. From Light Years (Kylie), Sing When You're Winning (Robbie)

When two enormous pop stars collaborate on a song, one of two things usually happens: the song is a monster hit ('The Boy Is Mine') or the song is popular for five minutes and then damned to obscurity for all eternity ('Beautiful Liar,' Girls Aloud and 'Babes version of 'Walk This Way'). Thankfully, 'Kids,' the one-time pairing of the two biggest music icons in the non-US world, falls in the former category. I'm not exactly sure what the song is about, but its anthemetic chorus and the way Robbie and Kylie's voices somehow sound made for each other despite being completely different make this one a can't miss.






70. Kelly Clarkson 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'
2005. From Breakaway.

Similar in sound and theme to her mega-smash 'Since U Been Gone,' 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' may seem like a curious and ultra-safe choice as the follow-up single, but I find the song still has merit on its own. While 'Since U Been Gone' celebrated the end of a relationship with a swift kick in the ass and a "Good riddance," 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' is more pensive and acknowledges that, yes, the break-up does hurt. "Here I am, once again/I'm torn into pieces" is still one of the most emotional lines of the decade; it's hard not to feel and understand what she is going through.





69. Jennifer Lopez 'Do It Well'
2007. From Brave.

After years of making great hip-hop influenced pop music, J. Lo capped off an incomparable decade with this final dance masterpiece. The song starts off with a bang--a chorus of "Do it, do it, you're doing it well!" followed by that unrelentingly heavy dance beat--and honestly never lets up during its three minute runtime. Naturally, since this song is possibly the greatest of J. Lo's career, the public ignored it and went back to listening to Soulja Boy.






68. Evanescence 'Going Under'
2003. From Fallen.

Goth rock is not my thing at all, but for a brief period of time Evanescence, led by the vocally underrated Amy Lee, held my attention and proved that not everything in that genre is tuneless garbage. Coming between their breakthrough 'Bring Me to Life' and the gorgeous 'My Immortal,' 'Going Under' was a bit of a bust on the charts, but it is always the one I associate with Evanescence in the few times I ever think about them. I'm a sucker for a big note and Lee has got a million of them in that chorus alone.





67. Sneaky Sound System 'Kansas City'
2008. From 2.

Sneaky Sound System's ode to internet relationships contains what is no doubt one of the top 3 hooks of the decade: "Someboddddddy in Kansas City loves meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." If that does not suck you in and make you instantly fall in love with this song, there is simply no hope for you my friend.








66. Ciara featuring Missy Elliott '1, 2 Step'
2004. From Goodies.

To this day, I'm not sure what it is about this song that has held my attention all these years. Ciara is not exactly known for her big voice, but her vocals are practically monotone here. The lyrics are nothing noteworthy (it's a simple ditty about dancing) and Missy's rap certainly doesn't rank among the best things she's ever done. Whatever it is, I have to give it up to '1, 2 Step' for working against all odds and becoming one of the few songs I heard on the radio a million times and never grew tired of.





65. Boomkat 'The Wreckoning'
2003. From Boomkatalog One.

Taryn Manning and brother Kellin were the masterminds behind the little-remembered pop group Boomkat and their ballsy minor hit 'The Wreckoning.' It's such a shame this song never caught on because it was one of the few songs of its time to take the newly in-vogue combination of pop music and hip-hop beats and create something wholly new with it. If there was one song on my countdown I wish people would listen to and give another chance, 'The Wreckoning' would be it.






64. Britney Spears 'Oops!...I Did It Again'
2000. From Oops!...I Did It Again.

The music video, complete with infamous red leather jumpsuit, is probably one of my most cherished of the decade. I don't think I'll ever forget her divalicious entrance and that highly-imitated choreography. While the video is often well-regarded, people forget that the song is actually still quite a stunner. As she did with '...Baby One More Time,' Brit has fun at our expense toying with the naughtiness of the title while going "Who me?" since the song is nowhere near as dirty as one might imagine. Not that innocent, indeeed.






63. Jason Mraz 'The Remedy (I Won't Worry)'
2002. From Waiting for My Rocket to Come.

I've been waiting in vain for seven years for Jason Mraz to make a song as urgent yet still upbeat and fun as his breakthrough hit 'The Remedy.' He's come close at least once ('Geek in the Pink') but over the years he's matured into more of a mellow indie rocker who is hellbent on chilling out to the point of insanity (or so it seems). Oh well, I suppose. At least we'll always have this song to remind us that he once had the ability to be this amazing.





62. Rihanna 'Don't Stop the Music'
2008. From Good Girl Gone Bad.

Forget your umbrellas, hating that I love you and rehab, 'Don't Stop the Music' was the song on Good Girl Gone Bad. With its heavy bass and that "mama say mama sa mamacusah" chant, 'Don't Stop the Music' is absolutely delirious and entirely effectively as a dancehall song; who doesn't want to get up on a table and start dancing for its entire 4-1/2 minute runtime?





61. David Archuelta 'Crush'
2008. From David Archuleta.

Any fears that I had supported the wrong Idol contestant were quickly put to rest after I heard this song. On first listen, the song may seem like nothing more than 90's boy band cheese, but Archie sells it. Also, I love the way he plays with the duality of the song's meaning (is it about a shy guy gathering the nerve to ask a girl out or is it really about a guy coming to terms with his sexuality?). Archie may not have a signature sound yet, but I'll definitely be curious to see where he takes his music as he matures in both age and musical style.

Imaginary Boyfriends of 2009

One of my favorite (and, judging by the amount of comments, most popular) posts I have ever done was this rundown of my Imaginary Boyfriends and Girlfriends of 2008. Since that went over so well, I decided to make it a new tradition to honor the hottest guys who made the biggest impact on my year. So, let's get this list started, shall we?

P.S. If you're wondering where the ladies are at, don't worry. I have a whole post dedicated to them coming soon.

Kris Allen
As soon as I saw his pretty face emerge on the Idol stage during Semi-Finals week, I knew I was hooked. When he opened his mouth and that beautiful voice came out, I was done for. The fact that Kris, with his soulful voice and puppy dog eyes, defied all odds and won the damn show over higher profile names was just compensation for the horrific season that preceded it.


Hugh Dancy
I know Mr. Dancy has been around for ages, but 2009 was the year I finally started to appreciate him. Say what you want about Confessions of a Shopaholic, I thought it was an above average Hollywood rom-com with a fiesty comedic performance from Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy there to match her every step of the way. He may not have gotten many funny bits, but he knew just how to react to Fisher to both make her seem funnier and himself look 100 times more engaging than most insipid rom-com romantic foils. Not an easy task, I'm afraid, but Dancy nailed it. I haven't even seen his lauded work in Adam yet, so hopefully that will add to my goodwill towards him this year.


Darin
No idea who he is? Don't feel bad; up until a couple of months ago I had never heard of him either. Kameron introduced me to the former Swedish Idol runner-up via his cover of Coldplay's 'Viva la Vida' (which mines more emotional depth in any individual line than Chris Martin could muster for an entire song) and then launched me full-force into his entire discography. I must say, I dig this guy. The sound of each album is definitely reflective of the time it was recorded, moving from early 2000's pop to the JT-inspired stuff of his most recent album, Flashback. He's attempting to break into the UK in 2010 with 'Breathing Your Love,' so I hope you Brits enjoy, support and make him a success over there.


Sterling Knight
I'll be the first to admit that Sterling isn't exactly a "looker," especially in comparison with 17 Again co-star Zac Efron (then again, should any human being really have to endure being compared with Zac?). However, he is adorable, has a charming personality and comedic skills actors twice his age should be jealous of. I first noticed Sterling as Efron's son in 17 Again, impressed at the way he was able to sneak some humorous moments in the film when the part, as written, was a complete throwaway. It wasn't until I first watched Sonny With a Chance that my affection for him blossomed into love. As I've mentioned before, Chad Dylan Cooper is one of the best characters on TV right now and it is all thanks to Sterling's fearless performance.


Taylor Lautner
You've seen him without a shirt on, right? Yeah, I thought so.


Matthew Morrison
Matthew Morrison is one of the sexiest men of 2009 because:
(a) He sings and dances
(b) He and Jayma Mays are positively adorable together
(c) Throwing down with Jane Lynch on Glee was one of the season's most hilarious moments
(d) He occasionally raps
(e) Any of the above except d

I think we know the answer to this, yes?


Garrett Neff
I became interested in male models and photography this year and Garrett was one of the best I discovered. His portfolio is extremely diverse, balancing light-hearted photos with ultra-serious, highly artistic ones. Plus he's hot as hell. That never hurts.


Chris Pine
I first saw Chris in this horrible, horrible movie called Blind Dating where he plays a stereotypical Italian-American who, coincidentally, is blind and dating. He was so awful in the movie I never thought he would be able to pull off Star Trek when I heard he was cast in it. Well, color me surprised. Not only was he sexy (oh that bedroom scene!) but he also nailed the humor in the film (I laughed every damn time Karl Urban gave him a shot once they boarded the Enterprise). Good looking and funny? Be still my heart.


Sebastian Stan
He's one-half of my favorite celebrity couple, plus his acting on Kings was beyond sensational. Someone give him more work please.


Chad White
Like Garrett Neff, Chad White has a widely varied portfolio. He has the ability to go from light commercial stuff to dark, edgy editorials and do them all well. Additionally, he seems like a sweet, approachable person. How many male models can you say that about?

My Inner Monologue During Twilight Saga: New Moon on Two Different Occasions

Thursday, 11/19, Midnight Screening: "OMG, here we go! Stewart, Kendrick and Lautner Abs, please don't let me down...Wait, did I stumble into the wrong theatre? We're less than a minute in and it looks like Chris Weitz is actually attempting to be artistic in some way with this dream sequence. I mean, this is not Ingmar Bergman or anything, but it's definitely a far cry from Hardwicke's Twilight. I guess I'll have to look for something else to make fun of. Based on the first film, this should take another 45 seconds max...Oh good, Robert Pattinson is arriving at school. In slow motion. This should be hilarious...Wow, that actually wasn't too embarrassing. Weitz and Pattinson actually seemed to be letting loose and having fun at the expense of Edward Cullen. Is there hope for this film? Damn, that kiss between Edward and Bella was steamy; I think Pattinson just came in his pants. And now Lautner has arrived to make this triangle complete. I love that he has skipped class just to come across town to Bella's school just to give her a birthday present. Way to endorse truancy! Lautner's now going for the hug with Bella and...goddamn! Did you see that look he shot at Pattinson? It was basically the equivalent to Beyoncé's threatening 'Try me, bitch!' in Obsessed...I'm impressed at how well the screenwriter and Weitz have condensed the bloated, blundering novel this is based on. Even in comparison with Twilight, which highlighted the wrong sections of the novel and actually made it seem longer, New Moon feels much swifter (Seriously, the novel spends 100+ pages following a mopey, epically depressed Bella in a series of repetitive scenes and internal thoughts that feel endless. I am forever grateful that in the film they condensed that Ben-Hur-sized section into one--beautifully done, I must add--long take that lasts not more than 90 seconds)


"HOLY SHIT. Lautner just took of shirt! If you can ignore that hideous wig on his head, this is absolutely perfect...He's walking around shirtless in the rain. I, uh, um, I, er...Is it hot in here or just me? Bella, how can you just stand there and not bounce on the boy?! You have way more self control than I ever could...And now he's in your bedroom, shirtless, sitting on your bed, practically inviting you to ride him like a bronco? Bitch, why are you just standing there? I, uh...(This is probably the point where I melted into my chair and nearly passed out. The girl sitting next to me asked if I was okay while my friend Megan started fanning me. I think I can honestly understand all of those women in the 1920's losing their shit over Rudolph Valentino). Whew, that was a close one. Lautner and Stewart are ever so close to locking lips. Come on, DO IT. I don't care if it's not in the fucking book, DEFY IT. The book is a piece of shit anyways. Come on, come on, so close...FUCKING TELEPHONE AND FUCKING EDWARD. How dare you ruin it! Lautner and Stewart muster more palpable sexual tension than you ever could with her, you soggy British wimp.


"Now Bella is off to save her precious Edward and I, officially, don't really care anymore. Blah blah Volturi blah blah grand theft auto blah blah...Haha, I love that after watching Taylor's glorious abs for the last hour, the audience has turned against Pattinson's naked torso. I literally hear boos coming from people in the audience. This makes me so happy...Here comes Dakota Fanning trying to win that ever elusive Oscar. Out of everyone on the cast, she, of course, takes this shit way more seriously than necessary. Sorry D, I don't think you'll be hearing your name come Oscar nomination morning...The film finally ends with a semi-showdown between Edward and Jacob where Edward, the big limped-dick pussy he is, thanks Jacob for protecting Bella while he was off being a whiny emo bitch. Jacob, thankfully, refuses his thanks and instead basically calls out Edward's douche-ness...I think I'm on Team Jacob now." B-

Friday, 12/4, 9:40 Showing: "OH MY GOD. GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT! Why is this film dragging so much more than last time? Lousy scene after lousy scene is just floating by in front of me and I am gleaning absolutely nothing from it. The motive of each scene is important, but the putrid dialogue is nothing more than an awful excuse for writing. Who the Christ talks like that? Certainly not any teenagers I know. And, my God, could Stewart and Pattinson be any f-ing stiffer in the break-up scene? They are standing about 20 feet apart, stiffer than Pattinson's dick when watching Lautner take off his shirt and do nothing but stare at each other. I feel like I'm trapped in one of those awful D.W. Griffith silent Victorian melodramas where the romantic leads look into each others eyes for endless amounts of time and a simple blink or lifting of the hand is supposed to reveal excessive amounts of emotion...Bella, I simply can not feel sorry for you. You have two men in your life, one is a sexy mofo with a slight sense of humor and the other, if nothing else (and I do mean nothing: he's not charming, funny, interesting or cute), is quite devoted to you, willing to risk their lives and happiness just to appease you and I can't even get a boy to ask me out. Oh yeah Bella, you have it so rough.


"Why does everyone take this damn film so seriously? The plot is incredibly idiculous, rife with obvious clichés and eye-rolling moments and yet everyone on the cast and crew treats it like grand drama or, worse yet, end-of-the-world tragedy. New Moon could be great camp and a lot easier to swallow if everyone just let loose and had some fun with the material. This is why I generally hate blockbusters and what I found so refreshing about Star Trek. That wasn't a perfect film but it understood that the whole premise is silly and had a good time playing it for laughs. Thankfully we have Anna Kendrick (who is possibly even more fun as Jessica than she was in Twilight and whose line reading of "Movies with Bella? Fun" is an immediate classic--I literally almost ROFL'ed in the theater) and Michael Sheen (if his role didn't seem so pointless in the grand scheme of things, I might consider him for a Best Supporting Actor Diva Cup) to liven things up and adds dollops of humor whenever they come on-screen. Honestly, thank you. I don't think I could have made it through this time without you. Your muffin baskets are in the mail." C-

New Same Difference

Wow.

When we last left Same Difference, they had just been dropped by their label after lower than expected sales of their phenomenal debut album Pop. This would have been the death knell for most pop acts and we never would have heard from them again. But, as they have done time and time again, Same Difference have proven resilient and ready to bounce back from anything with more gusto than before. Free from Simon Cowell's meddling hand, Sean and Sarah have ditched their Disney-friendly, rainbow and sunshine personas and have now adopted an edgier look. I must say, at first I was a little sad at the passing of their light-hearted look, but I am absolutely in love with it now. I'm glad they are maturing for, as fun as their old look was, I don't think they could have explored it any further than they did on Pop. From the bits of their newest single, 'Souled Out,' that I've been able to hear, it appears that they are definitely moving beyond High School Musical and ready to take on some of Britain's great pop acts. Here's hoping we continue to hear great things from Same Difference in 2010.

P.S. According to their website, an international release is being planned for Pop! Woohoo! I know I'll be first in line to pick up my copy.

Who is Christopher Wilde?

The teaser trailer for the latest Disney Channel Original Movie, Starstruck, made its way online last night and, for once, I'm super excited. Why, you ask? Well it's not because of the plot, which sounds like a corny and predictable version of Sonny With a Chance (girl from the Midwest ends up in Hollywood trying to pursue her musical dreams and falls in love with the most popular singer in the country). From that description alone, I feel like I've seen this movie 1400 times before. The teaser, however, gives me a little hope that Starstruck may be a tad more clever than your average DCOM (hopefully they got some SWAC writers to work on the screenplay). What I'm looking forward to and, consequently, has me so excited for the film is the cast which includes SWAC veteran Brandon Smith and Chelsea motherfucking Staub, supreme JONAS goddess and all-around star-in-the-making (I had no idea she was in the cast and nearly did the gay inhale when she popped up and said, "People call us the It couple" in that hilariously phony, dumb heiress tone). And then there's the crown jewel, the one, the only, the should-be King of Disney Chad Dylan Sterling Knight! If you are loyal readers of the site, you know of my immense love for this man, the greatest actor of his generation. His role in Starstruck sounds vaguely similar to Chad Dylan Cooper although, unfortunately, probably less douchey and less fun since he won't have Demi Lovato's wonderful Sonny to verbally spar or create lovely sexual tension with. Oh well. I am all for more Sterling Knight in my life and eternally thankful he gets to headline one of these things instead of one of the male loser from Hannah Montana (Which one? Take your pick, they all suck).

"All I hear from that is, 'Chad, you're so super blah blah blah blah.'"

Salò, or 120 Minutes of Visual Torture (But in a Good Way. Kinda)

I like to think that due to my personality and many years of hardcore movie watching, I'm pretty unshockable. Over the years, I've sat through the blatant racism of Griffith's The Birth of a Nation, the "ultraviolence" of A Clockwork Orange and the fucked-up sexual fetishes in Cronenberg's Crash without so much as breaking a sweat. Sure, they were all uncomfortable at times, but I was never outraged by their explicitness. So when I rented Pier Paolo Pasolini's infamously controversial Salò, or The 120 Days of Sodom I thought that I could handle it without a problem. Let's just say, I was wrong. Completely wrong.

I don't want to spoil any of the "plot points" since they are best experienced when confronted with in the moment, but there was a scene in the movie where I nearly vomited on my couch. My stomach literally turned and I even gagged a little bit. A couple of scenes later I literally had to cover my face with my jacket while fast forwarding through the nastiness, barely peeking over the corner of my hood to see if the scene was over (and immediately repulsed again when I realized it was still going on). It was at these moments where I had to stop the move and literally escape back into reality just to regain my composure. Then, in the final moments, I was this time hiding my eyes behind my hands, repeating "Oh my God" over and over again and nervously laughing like a crazy person.

If this sounds like reason enough to dislike Salò, you would be completely wrong. There's something to be admired about a film which can provoke such a reaction from a viewer, especially someone like me who naively assumed they had seen it all. The graphicness may be what haunts you afterward, but Pasolini is careful never to use the horrifying imagery just for the shock value. Salò uses these grotesque images for one of the most potently shocking attacks on fascism, capitalism and religion I've ever witnessed. It is also worth noting that Pasolini unleashes this horror without the usual comforts of a traditional horror film. There's no loud, scary music and, for the most part, the camera is static and unobtrusive in capturing the terrifying acts being perpetrated. This makes it all the more frightening if you ask me.

The fact that Salò is still banned in many different countries around the world is an unfortunate consequence of the film's controversial vision. This is a film every serious student of film should see at some point, if only to experience how powerful and wrenching film at its rawest and most visceral can be. Salò is not a film I ever wish to revisit again in my life but I think I'll always be grateful for allowing Pasolini to take me on a journey through hell. A

Shawty, What Yo Name Is? B and GaGa, Obviously: A (Semi-) Defense of 'Video Phone'

I have a confession to make: I can not stop listening to Beyoncé and Lady GaGa's 'Video Phone.' The song is complete shit, I'm not denying that. B is channeling that awkward ghetto chick she whips out for a couple tracks on each album and, no matter how often she tries, it never works. She can be the big balladier, the dancehall diva and the angry and unapologetic B, but even she can't do it all. Then you have GaGa, who is about as "street" and "urban" as Miley Cyrus at a country hoedown, thrown into this madness for no real reason other than to cash in on her enormous popularity (and, possibly, to promote their other collaboration, 'Telephone' from GaGa's Fame Monster, which is being released as a single soon). Add repetitive lyrics that go nowhere and a Titanic-sized five minute runtime and 'Video Phone' is easily one the battiest, downright odd singles Beyoncé has ever released.

But even after admitting all that, I can't quit 'Video Phone.' I am a sucker for the extended and the introductory line: "Shorty, what yo name is?" It makes absolutely no sense (both grammatically and with-in the song) but it's so absolutely strange that I can't help but appreciate it. And what about that crazy-ass beat? The four or so distinct yet completely layered beats sound as out-there as an early Missy Elliott and Timbaland collaboration. It shouldn't work as well as it does, but at times it covers up the lousy lyrics and that's something we can all be grateful for. Lady GaGa won't have a career as an urban artist, however her verse is as decent as the middling song will allow and I think she's having fun trying something new.



Now we have the video to consider. Coming off the stunning masterpieces that were 'Bad Romance,' 'Paparazzi' and the woefully underrated 'Sweet Dreams,' 'Video Phone' doesn't hold a candle to any of them. However, it's not completely dismissible as there are some interesting things going on there. It's almost a complete example of "style over substance,' but I'll be damned if it's not an intriguing style. I love the bold, almost Godardian use of queasily bright colors, which compensates for the rapid-fire, ADD editing scheme, liable to cause small kids in Japan to have seizures. And, speaking of Godard, I love the way they pay homage to his idea that "all you need for a movie is a girl and a gun," with both B and GaGa making interesting use of the candy-colored prop guns. There may be a lot going on in this video and most of it may not be necessary, but I still find it fascinating to watch.

So, while 'Video Phone' may not make any year-end list, it joins 'Send It On' as one of this year's ultimate guilty pleasures. They may both be indefensible as legitimately good pop tunes, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun listening to them over and over again.