Sunday, July 5, 2009

Zac Efron & Les Auteurs

In the biggest hair-related news since Mary Pickford cut off her curly locks (and consequently ruined her career) in 1929, Zac Efron has finally chopped off the gross, mangy hair he's been growing out since at least the 17 Again press tour. If you have no idea why this is such a big deal, first of all, why are you reading my blog (just kidding, I know I have a couple non-Efron fans in the house)? Secondly, his hair was getting gross. To put it in terms a non-Zac fan might understand, it looked like Robert Pattinson's on a normal, non-shower day or Jake Gyllenhaal's when he was filming Prince of Persia. Yeah, you obviously get the picture now. I'm claiming this as a victory for Zac fans all around the globe: we finally got our sexy man back (and, yes, he's totally winking at me in that picture on the right...jealous?).

Believe it or not, Zac's hair was not the original topic for this post. Surprise, I know. Actually what I wanted to talk about was Zac's never ending auteur-lust. Now, granted, he's not Nicole Kidman or Catherine Deneuve yet and has a long way to go before he even begins to rival them, but if you've ever read an interview with him, particularly between the success of HSM3 and 17 Again, all he kept talking about was how he wanted to mature on-screen and work with a bunch of top-tier directors who have no idea who he is. Since, unlike most young stars in his place, he's actually interested in working his way up like that (although his decision to work with Burr Steers again--albeit in a drama this time--is a little disheartening), I thought it would be fun to imagine what some of the world's top auteurs would do with Zac once they cast him in one of their films.

Lars von Trier: As the final chapter to von Trier's "I Hate America" trilogy, Zac will play a young fellow who is castrated by a Ku Klux Klan-like group of money-hungry and corrupted capitalists (because that's what all Americans are like in Lars World) in an ultra-bloody and divisive scene that goes on for approximately 15 minutes. As a result of the movie and von Trier, Zac will be psychologically scarred and probably do High School Musical 5 or 6 just to get his sanity back and remember what working with a non-abusive director is like.

Gus Van Sant:
A twinky hustler on the streets of Portland. Do you even have to ask? You know good ole Gus has a movie for Zac all set in his head.

Pedro Almodóvar:
Zac will be gay with Gael Garcia Bernal or banging Penélope Cruz. Either way, we win.

Spike Lee:
Zac plays a young racist who has multiple confrontations with an older African-American couple (Angela Bassett and Denzel Washington). Don't expect any easy, Crash-style dramatics and conclusions--this is Spike Lee after all. I'm predicting two race riots, four people dying and at least two shots where the camera is in the middle of the action and rotates in a circle.

Jean-Luc Godard:
Granted, I haven't seen a Godard film from the last 40 years. But if I'm guesstimating from what I've heard about his later film and the direction Week End (the most recent film of his I've seen) seemed to be taking, I'm going to guess that this film ends up with Zac standing in front of a white backdrop, dressed in Nazi garb while reciting Marx's The Communist Manifesto for 80 minutes or so. Zac will go on a press tour for the film constantly hailing Godard as a genius and what an honor it was to work with him while Godard's next film will probably contain a random divergence from the plot where the characters recreate a scene from High School Musical 2 and make fun of how idiotic Zac Efron is.

David Lynch:
A dark, atmospheric film involving Laura Dern's face, rabbits and a shitload of gratuitous breast shots. Zac will either be the Kyle MacLachlan role or end up dead within the first 10 minutes--it really could go either way.

Todd Haynes:
Zac will play Julianne Moore's son who causes her unparalleled distress and misery. Expect a lot of quiet suffering and wordless emotional breakdowns from Ms. Moore.

Quentin Tarantino:
In a foul-mouthed homage to 30's gangster films, Zac plays a Dead End Kid-like character who meets an African-American gangster, played by Samuel L. Jackson, who runs the black part of town. He takes a liking to Zac and has him come work for him. Eventually, Zac makes it all the way to becoming Samuel L. Jackson's right-hand man, but not before falling in love with his daugher played by (remember Tarantino's penchant for random casting) Keshia Knight Pulliam. Jackson, of course, is not pleased when he finds out about this. All while this internal drama is happening, the FBI is closing in on Jackson's mob and is planning a huge takedown. When the FBI's attack goes down, expect something as gloriously over the top as the finale to Kill Bill Volume 1.

Woody Allen:
Zac plays a neurotic writer who wears glasses and has interactions with countless witty, hilarious women played by fabulous, beautiful actresses who will end up overshadowing him in the end.

What auteurs would you like to see Zac Efron work with? What will they do with him?


Marcy said...

This post is brilliant.

I'd actually love to see Zac Efron work with Quentin Tarantino and Woody Allen. Especially Tarantino. Then Zac can look pretty and cool. But I'd like to see him in those black-rimmed Woody Allen glasses too...

How about Zac Efron in a Wes Anderson movie? Zac can be in a killer ensemble, so even if he falls a little flat, it wouldn't matter. The movie will be about some dysfunctional family (it's Wes Anderson, lol) and Zac can play some random, quirky long-lost son of Bill Murray's. Or something like that.

Monsieur Cinema said...

Okay, bear with my weird reasoning for a moment here. This post is about Zac, and who does he share your glorious banner with? Leighton Meester, professional goddess, that's who. And a new song of hers has been released and I thought it fitting to let you know here, on her banner-buddy's post. Either that or it's the newest post and I wanted to get your attention. Anyway, enjoy!

Samantha said...

Hallelujah on the hair change! He's actually gotten hotter....never thought this could be possible

kameronaloud said...

I would LOVE to see him with Pedro. LOVE it.