Even My Grandmother Thinks I'm Gonna Die Alone

"I'm sending $10 so you can see a movie or buy a pizza. I hope you find someone to do things that you like to do. It's more fun with other people."

Jesus, when did my grandma get the memo that I am Liz Lemon?

Well Played, Black Swan

Even if you, like me, weren't totally bowled over by Black Swan, there's no denying that its marketing campaign is all sorts of brilliant. From the multitude of posters, to its trailer and the general word of mouth for months on end, Black Swan has quite possibly been the most buzzed about film of the year. And in a year when a massive Christopher Nolan film was released, that is saying a lot. The most impressive feat of this campaign, however, is perhaps small in scale but enormous in terms of impact. I was speaking with my mother yesterday and she was asking if I had seen Black Swan yet. I told her yes and that she would most likely enjoy it. She then told me that she was so excited to see it she asked her co-worker if she wanted to go see it with her in theaters. They couldn't go see it because it hadn't opened in their area yet, but I was still stunned. My mother works at a library and gets free movie rentals whenever she wants. She's also the biggest cheapskate on the planet, so she would rather wait until the DVD comes out instead of paying money to see it in theaters. The last movie she saw in theaters was The Da Vinci Code way back in 2006 and that was only because my dad was a big fan of the book and wanted to see it. To be honest, I can't remember the last movie she saw in theaters just because she wanted to see it. So, to sum everything up, Darren Aronofsky and his marketing team deserve all the praise they have earned thusfar. They may not win the Best Picture Oscar come March, but I think my mother's $8 for a movie ticket is even more valuable.

Theology- Henry Style

Who knew that House could produce such an in-depth, theological discussion between my family? The latest episode concerned a man who, grateful for a miraculous cure to his daughter's brain cancer, every year, crucified himself on a goddamn cross as a way of showing his appreciation. The man's devotion to God blinded him to reality, and it was this devotion that got my mom and brother started. This may not be word-for-word what was said, but I swear on a stack of O magazines that this happened:

Mom: "If God created the world in seven days [It was at this point that I started laughing uncontrollably], then why didn't he just write The Bible himself instead of spreading the world through other people? He could have just invented paper, wrote it out, and people wouldn't have misinterpreted everything."

Brother: "I have my own theory about The Bible. Who was Jesus' mother?"

Dad: "Mary."

Brother: "Who was Jesus' dad?"

Dad: "God."

Brother: "And how did he get a virgin pregnant?"

Dad: "The Immaculate Conception."

Brother: "Nope. I think that Jesus was some kind of alien. Think about it. He had to come from some planet where all the things Jesus did that were so magical, like walking on water, are normal. Yeah, chew on that one."

[I am nearly in tears from laughing so hard, my father is shaking his head as he normally does after everything my brother says, my mother is still trying to get everyone to agree with her view and my brother's girlfriend is probably wondering what the hell kind of family she's gotten involved with.]

"Cate Blanchett scares me."

"She is always so intense. She's like a librarian who just stares at people!"

My friends Kelli and Megan during the Robin Hood trailer. I've heard people say a lot of things about Cate, but this was a first for me.



UPDATE: From Kelli in response to this post: "She doesn't even need to make a face... she just has this look like... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ...like when I have "b*%ch" written on my forehead... just don't mess with her. Scary."

Watching The Box With My Parents

As you may have ascertained from my last post, my parents are characters. They realize this and accept it; at one point, my mother literally asked me why I haven't written a movie about how weird they are and made a bunch of money off of it. Yeah, and you wonder why I am the way that I am. Anyways, my parents watch a lot of movies (only because my mom, an eternal cheapskate, gets free rentals from her work) and they always have strong opinions about them: "Stupid! Overrated! What the hell? I don't get it! Artsy fartsy crap!" If you think I'm a tough grader, they are incredibly hard to please. And when they do like a movie, it's always something incredibly embarrassing like Daddy Day Care. Needless to say, when I lived at home, we always disagreed on the movies we watched together, which always ended up with colorful discussions like the ones I mentioned with Children of Men and Kill Bill Volume 1.

When I went home last week, my mother mentioned that she had rented The Box and, sensing a strong opinion from them, I was immediately filled with glee. Having already seen it back in October, I knew my parents would absolutely HATE it with a passion (maybe not as much as they hate The Piano--a film they still talk about nearly 20 years later--but close) so I was excited for their imminent end-of-movie rant. As the film progressed, they sat back in their chairs, intrigued by the mystery and trying to guess the giant "twist" they knew was coming. I wish I had written the guesses down, but the craziest one I remember came courtesy of my mother: "They must be aliens!" I just sat there, laughing to myself, while my mother kept asking, "Are we even on the right track?" No, mother, not even close. So when the big "reveal" came around, just as I thought, they were pissed. A two minute tirade filled with quips like "So stupid," "Crap," and "I just wasted two hours of my life on this?!" followed but the most interesting comment/question came from my dad: "Why did you want to see this movie again?!" I agree that the ending doesn't work and, for better or worse, the film is a complete mess. But there's no denying that The Box is a fascinating failure. It's not even close to a good movie, and it's not for everyone, but, honestly, I could watch it again while never seeing The Hurt Locker ever again. The Box C+, My Parents' Reaction A++++

Another reason to want to see The Box again?

James Marsden soaking wet.

"That movie was two and a half hours?! What happened in it to make it that long?

That quote was courtesy of my friend Megan after leaving Public Enemies about an hour ago. I agree whole-heartedly. For a movie with such a long runtime and with so much going on, it sure felt like nothing happened. Other first impressions: Depp was pretty dull, although I suppose that's because the screenwriters and Michael Mann weren't really concerned with Dillinger as a person. Christian Bale didn't use his Batman voice (thank God!) but it still wasn't exactly what I call high caliber acting. Where is the guy who gave us American Psycho (hell, at this point I'd settle for The Prestige)? Marion Cotillard was pretty and the scene where she taunts the FBI agent who smacked her around after she led them off Dillinger's trail was excellent but it's not the movie called for her to do much more than that. And why oh why would you waste Channing Tatum in a 30 second performance and not even bother to show his face or his chest? C

"Well, you know that Angelina's a bitch."

Exact quote from my mother while we were discussing Jennifer Aniston's latest antics and how she's probably going to either hold Brangelina hostage during a random premiere for Benjamin Button in Japan or just kidnap Pax. Either or, I'm still on her side; Angelina can suck it.