"Cate Blanchett scares me."

"She is always so intense. She's like a librarian who just stares at people!"

My friends Kelli and Megan during the Robin Hood trailer. I've heard people say a lot of things about Cate, but this was a first for me.



UPDATE: From Kelli in response to this post: "She doesn't even need to make a face... she just has this look like... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ...like when I have "b*%ch" written on my forehead... just don't mess with her. Scary."

It's Still a Felony!

I don't think it's wrong for me to say that I find Nick Jonas sexy, right? I'm a complete sucker for his squinty eyes, that curly mess of hair on his head and his shy, sweet demeanor. He's 16 now and legal in most states (including Michigan!) and I'm only 20. Some people may find it completely inapprorpiate, but who cares, they can suck it. No matter how much I try to rationalize it, however, this voice (at the 0:28 mark) keeps running through my head...

Ah, Joel McHale, why do you have to make me feel so bad? I don't think I'm as bad as Justin Gaston, since Nick and I aren't practically dry humping each other in the church pews or blowing kisses to each other on the runway. Or, you know, we haven't met.

The only thing that has me slightly confused is the fact that Nick seems like the nicest guy on the planet and yet he not one, but two songs written by ex-girlfriends about how much they hate him. So, he's either that amazing to be with that they were driven Fatal Attraction crazy (without the attempted murder or rabbit stew) or he's just a douche. I'm leaning more towards amazing (I'm mean, we're talking about Miley Cyrus here) but, either way, I'd still bone him.

Just for fun, here are a couple of extra pictures of the lovely Nick.

Doesn't this one look like Cate Blanchett doing Nick Jonas doing Cate Blanchett doing Bob Dylan? Very meta, I must say.

And while we're on the subject of the Brothers Jonas, can someone please explain to me what the hell is happening in this music video for "Lovebug"? It goes from talking about some couple during the war á la "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You" and then, all of a sudden, Nick and Joe are on a boat in glasses and it ends up with everyone at some dance "rocking" out to the Brothers Jonas. Say what? Is it too much to ask for a little coherence? This video is so bad it actually makes the corny and trite "Burnin' Up" video look 100 times better. It also doesn't help that "Lovebug" is probably the worst, most boring song on A Little Bit Longer. If they wanted to go on the ballad route, why not the title track which is actually a half-way decent song (even if Nick's voice is a tad whiny) or, going in a completely different direction, "One Man Show," which I'm 95% sure is about masturbation ("I'm a one man show/I don't need no one/I'll be fine alone").

2007 Diva Cup Awards: Best Diva

And the nominees are...

Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth in Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Diva Moment: Slapping Abbie Cornish around for getting married without her permission
Diva Line: "My bitches wear my collar!"

Nicole Kidman as Margot in Margot at the Wedding
Diva Moment: Betraying her sister's confidence...multiple times.
Diva Line: "He's not ugly. He's completely unattractive."

Peter O'Toole as Anton Ego in Ratatouille
Diva Moment: His verbal assault of the waiters
Diva Line: "Finally Chef Gusteau has found his rightful place in history alongside another equally famous chef - Monsieur Boyardee."

Michelle Pfeiffer as Velma Von Tussle in Hairspray
Diva Moment: Any time she rolls her eyes...Pfeiffer turned that into an art in Hairspray
Diva Line: "You'll stop traffic!"

Ashley Tisdale as Sharpay Evans in High School Musical 2
Diva Moment: Requesting exit music when she leaves the room
Diva Line: "I want fabulous/Is that too much?"

If Only There Were Six: Taraji P. Henson as Vernell Watson in Talk to Me Loud outfits and an even louder personality; the perfect match for Don Cheadle

Rest of the Top 10: Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson's War...Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose...Rodrigo Santoro, 300...Joan Allen, The Bourne Ultimatum

BRONZE
Nicole Kidman

SILVER
Michelle Pfeiffer

GOLD
La Tisdale

Rants on I'm Not There and Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Before I get into my ranting, let me get something off my chest: I don't understand why Cate Blanchett has legions of fans who proclaim her to be the new Meryl Streep. What am I missing? Maybe I need to see some of her earlier work, because I haven't really been impressed with anything I've ever seen her in. I won't deny that she has talent and that she is ever-watchable, but Meryl Streep? Come on. Let's be a little more realistic. She gave a fine imitation of Katherine Hepburn and nailed the voice in The Aviator, but did all of that really add up to an Oscar-worthy performance? Blanchett had nothing to do in Babel besides lie there and pee her pants, so I can't really discredit her too much, but what was she doing there anyways? I do love her in Notes on a Scandal (especially the "Here I am!" scene), but she's outshone by Dame Judi Dench. She was fine in Elizabeth but, frankly, it didn't stand above any other Queen Elizabeth's I've seen. If you're a Blanchettphile, please tell me in the comments what I need to see of hers to be shown the way of the Blanchett.

I'm Not There (Todd Haynes, 2007): I'm not going to be a pretentious boob and pretend I understood this movie, because I didn't. I must admit that I still love the concept of the six actors portraying different aspects of Bob Dylan, but I don't know if it actually worked. I was bored with Marcus Carl Franklin, didn't understand Ben Whishaw's section and thought Richard Gere didn't fit at all. Christian Bale was kind of interesting during his limited screentime, but had nothing to really work with.

There were two "aspects of Dylan" that took risks and, to varying extents, worked in Haynes' thesis of a film. The first is, of course, Cate Blanchett in the most exhilarating part of Dylan's life. Blanchett is definitely a breath of fresh air to the proceedings, but I don't think they were particularly helpful to the overall film or our perception of the character. For the most part, I thought that somehow Jeff Bridges in full-on Dude mode had been cast as well, for all the annoying "man" and "dude"'s she put on the end of every sentence. It wasn't until that final moment in the limo when Blanchett drops all the pretense and annoying mannerisms that I finally saw her as a part of the story and an actual character. Plus, that enigmatic smile in the final frames was simply beautiful.

I think Heath Ledger played my favorite aspect of Bob Dylan and I don't believe it's only because of his recent passing; it's genuinely a fine performance. As the actor who played Dylan in a movie biopic ten years previously, Ledger, so I've read, is portraying Dylan's homelife. I don't know if I can really explain precisely why I liked it, I just think the scene at the restaurant and the montage where he buys the motorcycle are so beautifully done that they make the performance. This section is easily my favorite because it also contains my favorite performance in the entire film: Charlotte Gainsbourg as Ledger's ex-wife. It's so subtle next to Blanchett's larger than life, scene-stealing performance that you might not think about it at first, but Gainsbourg is the emotional center of the film, offering the only true "real" person in the entire film. We understand her heartbreak when, at a party, Ledger ignores her and treats her like an unwanted guest or the aforementioned restaurant scene where she battles for her own place in the relationship. It's quite a bewitching performance and one that, given time to simmer, sticks with you in the end.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age (Shekhar Kapur, 2007): I can't really get excited about Elizabethan films because, to me, they all look the same and offer nothing new besides the beautiful costumes and loud art direction. The original Elizabeth was fine and everything, but nothing to really write home about. The sequel, made nine years later, is a lot more entertaining but not really in a good way. The Golden Age is written much like an average episode Desperate Housewives, with all the snarky side-glances and tossed off bitchy one-liners, and I wouldn't have minded if Kapur had intended for this to be a camp film. Instead, his direction is more aimed at historical drama and the two do not mix at all. And poor Cate Blanchett just can not catch a break in this film. She tries her best to save the sinking disaster, but she's like Velma Kelly and can't do it alone. Blanchett has her moments, but you try spouting off lines like "My bitches wear my collar!" and see how you fair. It's not easy. I'm not going to say that her Oscar nomination is completely undeserved since I liked her better than the obvious number 6 Angelina Jolie in A Mighty Heart, but there are at least five other actresses I can think of who would have been worthier candidates.

My Ratings
I'm Not There *** 1/2
Elizabeth: The Golden Age ** 1/2

So That Pretty Much Sucked

I'm, of course, referring to the Golden Globes "press conference" that just took place. Who the hell does that Billy Bush think he is- Roger Ebert? I don't even know who the hell he is, but I doubt he has any reason to be judging the winners in any of the categories. And what was with that low blow to Cate Blanchett after her win in Best Supporting Actress for I'm Not There? In case you missed it, he praised Amy Ryan to high heavens (which is probably the only decent thing he did all night) and then said something to the affect of "all she did was dress like a man" about Blanchett's win. What a douche.


Want to know what else sucked? My predictions. I got a ridiculously low 6 out of 14. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I got some wrong (namely, Cotillard in Musical/Comedy and, to some extent, Atonement in Drama), but I wish I could have done better. Oh well. Atonement's big "upset" (I should have seen it coming, especially since Babel won here last year after receiving the same number of nominations and the most out of anyone) should push it into the Top 5 after the DGA/WGA snubs earlier this week. I hope that Cotillard's win closes the gap between herself and Christie in the race for Best Actress and it turns into a real bitchfest---that would be a dream come true. Here are the winners, in case you missed them:

Best Picture (Drama)- Atonement
Best Picture (Musical/Comedy)- Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Best Actor (Drama)- Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Actor (Musical/Comedy)- Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Best Actress (Drama)- Julie Christie, Away From Her
Best Actress (Musical/Comedy)- Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Best Supporting Actor- Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Best Supporting Actress- Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Best Director- Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Best Screenplay- Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Best Score- Dario Marianelli, Atonement
Best Song- "Guaranteed", Into the Wild (m&l: Eddie Vedder)
Best Animated Film- Ratatouille
Best Foreign Language Film- The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

So, in the aftermath of the butchered ceremony, I'm watching the new American Gladiators and it's every bit as great as I remembered it when I was a child....but what the hell is with all the water? And, oh shit this final race is very dramatic.

Random Top 10: Halloween Costumes I Considered This Year

I haven't really done anything for Halloween in roughly 5 years, but this year I've seriously considered dressing up. While none of these costumes struck my fancy, here are the top 10 people I really want to go as:

*Link courtesy of StinkyLulu

10. Bob Fosse Backup Dancer

I'd get to wear tight black pants and shirt, a black hat and get use jazz hands and all the moves in the above picture all night long...how perfect is that?

9. Miss Jay

Miss Jay (of America's Next Top Model fame) confuses the hell out of me--he/she should appear on one of those "Is it a man or a woman?" episodes of Maury--so it would be fun to wear male clothing and then put on makeup and do my hair all funky.

8. TomKat (+ Suri)

I would need a partner to do this one with. Tom would be normal, but Katie would have to be attached to Tom by a chain of some sort. And then Katie would have to hold a baby doll, pretending it was Suri, and then cover it up so no one can see it.

7. Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth

It has to be Dame Judi's interpretation of the Queen, because she is the most fun and divalicious. The only problem with this costume is that it might be a tad over the top.

6. Britney Spears (either as a mom or at the VMA's this year)

To be Britney the mother, basically I would hold a baby doll with one hand at the weirdest and worst angles (possibly by a foot or something) and sipping a Starbucks drink in the other hand. To be Britney at the VMA's, I need to wear something whorish, put on a really bad blonde wig and then dance around all dazed and confused.

5. Pregnant Nun

I think the above picture says it all.

4. Sgt. Dignam

This is an easy one for me. Shirt and tie, smart ass attitude and say "fuck" every other word. Hell, except for the shirt and tie, this is me everyday.

3. Link Larkin

How cute would I be with the Link curl in my hair and a cute little cardigan sweater?

2. Sheba Hart (Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal)

I just want to have a reason to run around screaming "Here I am" at the top of my lungs, and by going as Sheba Hart (with the running mascara) I would get that opportunity.

1. Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford

I've been thinking about this costume for awhile and I think this will be the winner. I'm going to pull my hair back with a head band, have someone draw on exaggerated eyebrows, carry around a wire hanger and speak loudly with a rising intonation. Now this is a scary costume.

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Scene

And the nominees are...

Borat: Naked Fight

This shouldn't have been so funny, but I laughed really hard throughout this entire scene and nearly peed myself.

Dreamgirls: "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going"

I applauded. I shouted. I almost cried tears of joy. J. Hud sings the hell out of this song and, consequently, became an Oscar winner.

Little Miss Sunshine: The Dance

Even doing the raunchiest dance moves, Breslin is still so damn cute. How is this possible?

Notes on a Scandal: The Revelation

Blanchett with mascara running down from her eyes, a couple of bitch slaps, that "Virginia bloody Woolf" line and, of course, "HERE I AM!"- it's damn hard to top this soon-to-be classic camp moment.

United 93: Fighting Back

The movie was kind of slow until this edge-of-your-seat ending. It takes a lot of skill to make a scene this suspenseful when you know the ending already.

Runners Up: Marie Antoinette: Marie's Arrival at the Palace- I gasped out loud at the visual splendor of this moment; all the elements together like a rich, detailed painting...Jesus Camp: Heil Bush- So scary I nearly shat myself...Happy Feet: Mumble's Birth/First Tap Dance- I went "awww" about 53 times in this scene alone

BROZNE
United 93: Fighting Back
SILVER
Notes on a Scandal: The Revelation
GOLD
Dreamgirls: "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going"

2006 Diva Cup Awards: Best Quote/Line Reading

And the nominees are...

"Here I am!" ~Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal

Blanchett's battle cry to the vicious vultures surrounding her during a major personal crisis is one of the most hilarious camp moments since Faye Dunaway uttered "Tina, bring me the axe!" in Mommie Dearest and is the perfect way to end such a high-strung scene.

"Is she a sphinx, or simply stupid?" ~Dame Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal

I'm not sure why I love this quote so much, but Dame Judi's early size-up of Blanchett's Sheba is one of the quotes I immediately think about when I think about this movie.

"It's about fairness, Curtis. It's about people paying their dues. Isn't that what you keep telling me? ‘Get in line, Effie. Wait your turn.’ So why am I sitting here without so much as a B side on a 45 when an amateur like Martin Luther King Jr. gets his own album? I mean, can he even sing?" ~Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls

Diva-riffic to the extreme and the precise moment when I fell in love with J. Hud's Effie White. It takes a real diva to complain about MLK like that.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself." ~Mark Wahlberg in The Departed

Wahlberg's effective scene-stealing in The Departed doesn't get any better than this foul-mouthed quip.

"That is it! I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" ~Samuel L. Jackson in Snakes on a Plane

I was shaking in anticipation of this line and, when it finally came, I laughed and applauded like I had never done before. Samuel L. Jackson’s delivery lived up to the hype and makes it an instant classic.

Runners Up: I loved Matt Damon's assholian response of "Qui gives a shit" to Alec Baldwin's "Qui bono" in The Departed so much that I wish I could say it more often...Annette Bening's "I need high ceilings" in Running With Scissors is one of this beautiful disaster's shining moments...Just the way Frances McDormand coughed out "Asshole" to that douchebag driver in the farmer's market in Friends With Money had me laughing for like two minutes straight. Brilliant.

BRONZE

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself."

SILVER

"Here I am!"

GOLD

"That is it! I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

Excited to See in 2007: "I'm Not There"

There are times when I wonder why I am so excited to see Todd Haynes' new film I'm Not There being released in September. While the two Todd Haynes films I've seen (Far From Heaven and Velvet Goldmine) have been wonderful, neither of them have been "life-changing" and made me a Haynes advocate. Even the film's topic- the life of Bob Dylan- doesn't interest me in the slightest. So what is it that has me excited for this project?

Yes, this is Cate Blanchett playing Bob Dylan. I know, Cate-fucking-Blanchett! What can't this woman do? And she's not the only one playing him- also portraying Dylan are Christian Bale, Richard Gere, Heath Ledger, Marcus Carl Franklin and Ben Whishlaw. I bet you're really confused right now and wondering why six different people are playing Bob Dylan in the same film. Well, apparently Haynes wants to represent the different aspects of Dylan's career with one actor (or Cate Blanchett) playing him at a different point in his life. As an added bonus Julianne Moore, Michelle Williams and Adrien Brody all make appearances as well. This film will be different, but I'm betting with Haynes as director and its impressive A-list cast, it will be amazing.