My Lovely, Oscar-Winning, Cameo-Filled Dream

As a movie-lover for the better part of the past decade, I have had many a daydream about someday winning an Oscar. Despite the fact that my best shot at winning one would be in the writing categories, I often dream big and imagine snagging an acting trophy. We can try and pretend that the other awards are just as glamorous and important as the acting awards but there's a reason the Best Sound Editing winner gets cut off after 30 seconds while Natalie Portman gets to ramble for four minutes. My dream for the past year has been to be discovered by a director, become his lover/muse, let him mold me into a proper actor and snag an Oscar for my troubles. This is all despite the fact that I have no control over my facial expressions or my voice. Hey, no one said it was going to be easy.

The reason I bring this all up is because last night I had an amazing dream where I won an acting Oscar. Best Supporting Actor, to be more specific. But, curiously enough, I don't remember the moment where I was awarded the prize specifically happening; the dream only covered before and after the big moment. If we're being honest, the dream actually started in Britain on the eve of the outbreak of World War II. I was a student and one of my classmates was Zac Efron. I'm pretty sure we were dating and other classmates knew and accepted it, which is surprising since pre-War Britain was not exactly the friendliest towards homosexuals (not that any society really was, to be fair). Anyways, the only part I really remember from this part was a moment where Zac was being chastised by someone in the middle of class and he was about ready to start sobbing. I was also in the class, sitting with a couple of my friends. They were asking why I didn't rush over and comfort him. I launched into this beautiful monologue about how I had no idea how to comfort someone, how I would feel awkward putting an arm on his shoulder and telling him that everything would be okay. Basically, I loved him but I had no idea how to express it. It was a tender moment that I wasn't sure how it fit in with the rest of the dream but I finally figured it out: this must have been my Oscar clip! You know, the scene they play right before they announce the winner. It sounds like the perfect moment if I was going for the supportive girlfriend nomination that happens nearly every year (not usually in Supporting Actor, but you catch my drift).

Apparently the clip worked because the next morning I was at my house with my little gold man in tow. What really surprised me was the fact that I wasn't taking my Oscar everywhere I went. I always figured that after I won, that little statue would be coming into the bathroom with me. I would not let anyone forget for a second that I was a fucking Academy Award-winner. If someone disagreed with me, I'd shove that Oscar in their face and say, "Do you have an Oscar? What's that? You don't? Then your opinion means nothing!" In other words, I'd be even more obnoxious than I already am. In the dream, however, I was surprisingly chill. I walked outside and started talking to my neighbor Emmy-winner Jane Lynch. She was filming a new sitcom, a "celebreality" parody show, in her own house. We had a wooden fence between our yards, much like the one between the Taylors and Wilson on Home Improvement, and bantered for quite a bit. At some point previously, I had guest starred on her show and I made a particularly amusing quip about how she had to write her lines on my car mirror because she couldn't remember them when I was on her show. Okay, so it's not quite so good in retrospect but it worked in the dream. Maybe Jane was just in awe of my Oscar?

After that delicious snark session, a previous Oscar-winner stopped by to congratulate me: Christian Bale, of all people! I'm pretty sure he still had that horrible beard nonsense going on, which is a shame, but I still appreciated the gesture. What slayed me about his visit, though, was the fact that he called my acceptance speech "sassy." Ha! Can you imagine Christian Bale calling anything sassy, let alone an acceptance speech by little ole me?



When Bale left, I went back to my BFF Jane Lynch for some girl talk. She was taking a break from shooting with a new guest star: Candice Bergen. Yes, Murphy Brown herself was also in my dream. I told you this was an all-star ensemble! Candice was everything you'd expect her to be with that voice and that disapproving sarcasm. The way Jane and Candice were talking, it kinda reminded me of the episode of Will and Grace where Candice Bergen makes a cameo as Karen's best friend/arch nemesis.

As I was leaving Jane and Candice and heading back into my house, I half-jokingly mentioned that I was disappointed I hadn't heard from Oprah yet about doing an interview since I was a hot shot Oscar winner. I know I said I was half-joking but, come on, this is me we're talking about. You know that I would win an Oscar just so I could sit down and have a conversation with Oprah. Well, after I had been home for a bit, I heard a knock at my back door. I went to answer and there were two people standing there, one holding a camera and another holding up some kind of monitor. They turned the monitor on and who do you think appeared, ready to speak with me about my Oscar win?


Up until this point, I had been really cool about winning the damn Oscar. When I saw that face, though, I completely lost it. I screamed, "OPRAHHHHHHH!" in the highest-pitched voice you can imagine. It would be totally embarrassing if it wasn't me we were talking about. Just imagine what I would have done if she had actually been there?

This is where my dream ended, unfortunately, as I had to get up and go to work. How dare they interrupt Our Lord and Savior trying to interview an Oscar winner?! Sorry if this was completely long-winded and dumb but I thought it was just so ridiculous and specific that I had to share it. Now I need to plot how I'm going to win my own Oscar.

My Thoughts on This Year's Emmy Winners

Best Drama: Mad Men

I gave up on this show last season.

Best Comedy: Modern Family

I don't watch this show.

Best Actor (Drama): Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I don't watch this show.

Best Actress (Drama): Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

I don't watch this show. My mother does, though, and really likes Sedgwick's character. "She's so realistic, James. She's going through menopause like I am!"

Best Actor (Comedy): Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

I don't watch this show.

Best Actress (Comedy): Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

I watched the first four episodes. Wasn't terribly impressed or in a rush to watch other episodes.

Best Supporting Actor (Drama): Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

I don't watch this show.

Best Supporting Actress (Drama): Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife

I don't watch this show.

Best Supporting Actor (Comedy): Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family

I don't watch this show.

Best Supporting Actress (Comedy): Jane Lynch, Glee

Watched the first season. Thought Lynch thoroughly deserved the award. Will never watch another episode.

Well, that was...fascinatingly in-depth? I guess we can safely assume that the Emmys and I have vastly different tastes when it comes to television. Especially when you consider that if I ran things, Sterling Knight would have two Emmys by now and Snooki would be nominated next to Tina Fey in the Comedy category.

Top Performances of the Past TV Season

Last year around this time, I came up with a list of 25 of my favorite TV performances from that season. That post was a major hit, generating more comments than I usually get in a fortnight, so, of course, I'm doing another one to hopefully cash in on that popularity. This year, after expressing my continuing dissatisfaction with TV in general, I had to change this post up a lot in order to stay true with what really fascinated me this season. I expanded my definition of "performance" to include reality TV performance since, in its on way, those appearing in reality TV are doing their own version of "acting."

Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Liz Lemon was her usual wonderful Liz Lemon self this past season of 30 Rock, marching toward middle age still alone, bitter and as relatable as ever.

Joel McHale, Community
McHale's Jeff is the walking definition of a "dickweed," but it's all part of the roguish charm he casts over us and the other misfits in his study group at Greendale Community College.

Jane Lynch, Glee
By the end of the season, the show was an absolute chore to sit through. Lynch's omnipotent villain, Sue Sylvester, however, was always worth waiting through the shitty melodramatics and dumb karaoke numbers to discover. Her constant attempts to bring down the Glee club, often through manipulation, blackmail and out-and-out cheating (not to mention her many insults of Mr. Schu's hair) were always funny, even when the show refused to change anything up plot-wise. All in all, I love the way Sue sees it.

Keir Gilchrist, United States of Tara
While working through the facets of his sexuality on this season of Tara, Marshall, under the guidance of Keir Gilchrist, became quite possibly the most complex gay character on TV right now. If not, he's definitely a breath of fresh air from the usual drama queens and depressed souls we're usually assaulted with.

Snooki, Jersey Shore
From the moment this construction-cone-orange Oompa Loompa with a big ole pouf on her head arrived on the scene, my life has never been the same. At first, she looks like the typical Real World skank who drinks too much and then gets verbally abusive while looking for some penis. Somehow, over the course of Jersey Shore's brilliant first season, she became its heart and soul, the emotional core of the entire show. The moment when she is wrongly punched in the face by some random guido at the bar made this clear, as we all took this action as a call to arms to hunt that asshole down and punch him in the face. After that, however, Snooki became our favorite sexually promiscuous girl, constantly looking for her juicehead gorilla but always coming up with the short end of the stick. Oh, that Snooki, always looking for love but never quite finding it.

RuPaul, RuPaul's Drag Race
Not only was she damn fabulous every week--seriously, 99% of women never come close to looking as good as Ru on an off day--but she was an endearing and oh so lovable mama bear to all of the queen cubs, spouting words of wisdom like "Don't fuck it up!" or "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?" (my new personal mantra). And who can forget her line reading of "It's time to LIP SYNC....for your LIFE"?

The Cast of Wizards of Waverly Place [Selena Gomez, David Henrie, Jake T. Austin, Maria Canals-Barrera, David DeLuise, Jennifer Stone, Dan Benson]
The Russos are, without a doubt, the realest family on TV since the Millers on Still Standing. They lie, cheat, manipulate and cast spells to get what they want, but there's never any doubt that love is what bonds them together (or the fact that they have nowhere else to go). As far as acting goes, Gomez is a deliciously "dark" alternative to the typical Disney starlet. Henrie has a natural gift for comedy that makes his gay older brother a treat to watch. Austin does stupidity with intelligence. Canals-Barrera and DeLuise resist the urge to play broad as many adults on tween shows seem to do. Stone plays her character's eccentricities for endearment rather than cheap laughs. Bonus points for Dan Benson who plays Justin's best gal pal Zeke and his overwhelming dorkiness/homosexuality.

Sterling Knight, Tiffany Thornton and Demi Lovato, Sonny With a Chance
Whenever these three are involved in the main plot of an episode, you can rest assured that amazingness will ensue. I've already aired my complaints with the current season, but when these three are on (as in the celebrity funeral parody when Gassie, the farting dog, passes away), few actors their age, Disney or not, can match them.

Suze Orman, The Suze Orman Show
Since I started watching The Suze Orman Show a few months ago, I've come to the conclusion that Suze isn't merely a TV show host. Rather, she is a TV Personality with a capital "P." The way she calls everyone "girlfriend" or "boyfriend," the way she yells "DENIED!" at those who really can't afford whatever treasure they want on the Can I Afford It segment, even the way she gives one of her patented Suze Smackdowns betrays a woman who not only knows what the fuck she is talking about, but, also, a woman who knows how to make 401(k)'s and eight month emergency funds as entertaining as possible.

Becki Newton, Ugly Betty
TV's greatest fag hag since Grace Adler brought the funny every time she appeared on screen this season, even in the dire first half of the season where no one seemed to know what the fuck they were doing anymore. In the four years Ugly Betty has been on the air, she has gone from resident bitch to comedic genius. I can't wait to see what she can do on her new show this year.

Nicole Anderson and Chelsea Staub, JONAS
The Jonas Brothers may be the stars, but it's the women of JONAS who rule the show week in and week out. Staub, with her regality and no-holds-barred approach to her character, remains the mostly sweet, occasionally bitter heart of the show. Anderson, who could have become annoying five minutes in as the fanatic fangirl, constantly pushed herself to make the unremarkable material fresh and funny (I especially loved her breathless texting and site updating while on a date with Joe).

Team Griffin, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
They always bring the funny, but Kathy and her team (which consists of mother Maggie, assistant Tiffany and tour manager Tom) constantly had me in stitches on this past celebrity-filled season of My Life on the D-List. The show isn't "reality" anymore, if it ever really was, yet that doesn't really matter.

Kirstie Alley, Kirstie Alley's Big Life
I nearly peed my pants the moment when she started pulling that huge branch across the driveway live an ox plowing the field. What I thought would be a self-conscious and ungodly account of a woman who won't shut up about being fat was actually one of the most spirited riffs on reality television since My Life on the D-List. Bravo!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
In what has sadly become the final season of Old Christine, Louis-Dreyfus continued to bring the laughs as alcoholic, over-dramatic, loser mama Christine Campbell (who somehow makes Liz Lemon look like a winner). My favorite moment of hers was when she accidentally kidnapped a woman she used to torment in junior high when she wouldn't accept her apology. Only Louis-Dreyfus could make a plot as ridiculous as that work. This show will be missed.

Golden Globe FYC's: Television

In just under a month, the Golden Globe nominations are going to be announced. Say what you want about them, but I love the way they cater to mega stars and nominate some out-there movies and TV shows the more serious Oscars and Emmys wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. And in that spirit, I wanted to point any members of the Hollywood Foreign Press who may have wandered onto my site to some underappreciated and unknown TV shows and performances from the past year. So, without further ado,

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)

Best Actor (Musical/Comedy): Joel McHale
Best Supporting Actress: Yvette Nicole Brown

Not everyone is in love with this show and I can accept that. The show's scattershot, smartass humor is a bit hit or miss, but when it hits, damn it is funny. Joel McHale, host of The Soup, is my boo so it should come as no surprise I love him on this show. The show's other highlight is Shirley, played by Yvette Nicole Brown. She's warm, generous and often hilarious with admittedly little to do sometimes. Hell, she can make silence funny.

Best Supporting Actress: Jane Lynch

The show is wildly inconsistent for me. Jane Lynch, however, is always spot on and often has me howling in laughter with her non-sensical metaphors and "Sue Says" TV spot. It's no wonder that Sue Sylvester is quickly replacing Chuck Norris as the ultimate tough guy.

Best Actress (Drama): Leighton Meester

This season so far has been a bit of a wash for Ms. Meester although things seem to be looking up for her (I loved the way she stood back and simply observed the aftermath of the "OM3"; she was far more interesting than any of the participants). My FYC is for, of course, her stellar work from the second half of last season. Do I really have to try and convince you again of her amazingness?

Best Supporting Actress: Chelsea Staub
Best Supporting Actress: Nicole Anderson

The Jonas Brothers may be the "stars" of JONAS, but the true discoveries are the main females of the show. Staub plays the band's stylist and shoulder to cry on about their various problems with an unusual combination of warmness and ferocious comedic timing unseen on any Disney show I've ever seen. Anderson is the band's obsessive fan who has slowly become my favorite reason to watch the show.

Best TV Show (Drama)
Best Supporting Actor: Sebastian Stan

This show never really had a chance on network TV, did it? Ambitious, layered and epic in scope, Kings was doomed from the start. But in its short 13 episode run, Kings had more impressive moments than some shows have had in three seasons. Ian McShane, with his booming voice and larger than life bravura, was great as the king, but I often found Sebastian Stan as doomed Prince Jack to be even more compelling throughout the show. In just a few episodes, the one-time Ed Westwick imitator became an actor to watch for in the future.

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)
Best Actress (Musical/Comedy): Demi Lovato
Best Supporting Actor: Sterling Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Tiffany Thornton

Who said that Disney was only for kids? One of the best shows on TV right now is on the Disney Channel and I'm not ashamed to admit that I watch it religiously. Sonny With a Chance is 30 Rock for the tweens and it's often just as groundbreaking and can't-catch-your-breath funny (when compared to its contemporaries, at least). Leading the cast is Demi Lovato as Sonny, the Liz Lemon of the show, and what's exciting about her performance is that over the course of the season, you can see her letting loose more and more, finally getting the hang of this comedy thing and truly becoming a star with each passing episode. Tiffany Thornton, plays self-obsessed diva Tawni Hart, the Jenna to Demi's Liz, and is a hoot everytime she appears on screen. Do you know anyone else who can elicit so many laughs just by repeating "Cocoa Mocho Cocoa" over and over again? And then there is trusty old Sterling Knight as tween heartthrob Chad Dylan Cooper (swoon!). His role as the romantic foil to Demi's Sonny is not particularly groundbreaking but the way he remains a complete douche even during the moments when he's supposed to be "wooing" Sonny is impressive. Less talented, "pretty boy" actors would have completely pussified CDC by episode four, but Knight is just as mean and darkly funny as he was on day one. Kudos to you!

Best TV Show (Musical/Comedy)
Best Supporting Actor: Keir Gilchrist
Best Supporting Actress: Brie Larson

Toni Collette is likely to get a nom, so it seems unnecessary to FYC her right now. Instead, I'll focus on the underappreciated children of Tara. Like I've talked about before, Gilchrist brings a clever twist to a stereotypical gay teen role. Larson is a complete bitch on the show, but she somehow brings enough humanity to her performance that I kinda wish she was my older sister.