Top 50 Songs of 2012

It's that time of the year again! Great year for pop music, a lot of interesting new artists this year, etc. I know you're eager to get to the list. Just a couple of quick notes:

1. This year, I decided to expand my list to include album tracks, remixes and other assorted "releases" in addition to singles. The best song last year, Selena Gomez & The Scene's "My Dilemma," wasn't eligible because it wasn't released as a single, so I decided that I needed to make a change. Why screw over something amazing just become some idiot at the record label is too dumb to release it?
2. One Direction "What Makes You Beautiful" and The Wanted "Glad You Came," both of which were big hits here in the States this year, are ineligible because they were already featured on my Best of 2011 list.
3. My eligibility cut-off is the beginning of December, so all the songs from Ke$ha's Warrior album (except "Die Young") and Swedish House Mafia "Don't You Worry Child" will have to wait until next year's list.

Enjoy!

Almost Made It: Drake featuring Lil' Wayne "HYFR (Hell Ya Fucking Right)" | Alphabeat "Love Sea" | Aiden Grimshaw "Is This Love" | Calvin Harris featuring Florence Welch "Sweet Nothing" | Saint Lou Lou "Maybe You" | Darin "Nobody Knows" | Miley Cyrus "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" | Foster the People "Color on the Walls (Don't Stop)" | Carly Rae Jepsen "Hurt So Good" | Lana Del Rey "Diet Mountain Dew"

50. Queen of Hearts "Shoot the Bullet"
49. Calvin Harris featuring Example "We'll Be Coming Back"
48. Samantha Jade "What You've Done to Me"
47. Justin Bieber featuring Nicki Minaj "Beauty and a Beat"
46. Robbie Williams "Candy"
45. Madonna "I'm Addicted"
44. Jessie Ware "No to Love"
43. Foster the People "Houdini"
42. Natalia Kills "Kill My Boyfriend"
41. Conor Maynard "Can't Say No"

40. Little Boots "Headphones"
39. Lawson "Taking Over Me" (The Alias Radio Edit)
38. Cheryl Cole "Under the Sun" (The Alias Radio Edit)
37. David Guetta featuring Nicky Romero & Sia "Wild One Two"
36. Ellie Goulding "Anything Could Happen"
35. Minnie-Oh "You and I"
34. Le Kid "Human Behaviour"
33. Ricki-Lee "Raining Diamonds"
32. Justin Bieber "Thought of You"
31. Karmin "Brokenhearted"

30. Kris Allen & Meiko "Loves Me Not"
29. Diana Vickers "Music to Make the Boys Cry"
28. Lana Del Rey "Ride"
27. Carly Rae Jepsen "Turn Me Up"
26. Dream Beats featuring The Face "Love Stuck"
25. Rihanna "Where Have You Been"
24. Rebecca Ferguson "Glitter & Gold" (Cahill Radio Edit)
23. Kelly Clarkson "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"
22. Stooshe "Black Heart"
21. Taylor Swift "Red"

20. Lana Del Rey "National Anthem"
Don't you know who you're dealing with?
The video, which imagines Lana as Jackie O, is really what sold this song for me. See also: the WestFunk and Fred Falke remixes as evidence of Ms. Del Rey's versatility.

19. Loreen "Euphoria"
Forever, we sail into infinity
Another year, another stellar Eurovision entry from Sweden. And this time they won the fucker with this gutsy, almost schizophrenic track, probably the most interesting mood pop song since "Say It Right."

18. Tome Damli & Eric Saade "Imagine"
And I can't forget about you/I'd rather be lonely instead
The fact that this carefree, sunny-sounding track is actually one of the most heartbreaking, depressing songs of the year is a great reminder of how masterful the Swedish are with pop music.

17. Ke$ha "Die Young"
Young hunks, taking shots/Stripping down to dirty socks
The Glitter Trash Queen returned with what is her most mature work to date. Well, "mature" for the woman who brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels, that is.

16. One Direction "I Would"
I can't compete with your boyfriend/He's got 27 tattoos
While a few too many of Take Me Home's tracks sound like they could have been sung by other artists, "I Would" is one that only could have come from My Boys. Their vibrant personalities are all over track, elevating an already cleverly written song into the album's standout.

15. Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"
Hey, I just met you/And this is crazy
Deceptively simple, endlessly addictive, one of the most genius hooks in ages. Bow down to Queen Carly Rae, peons.

14. Taylor Swift "I Knew You Were Trouble"
Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why/You're drowning
Dismissed as "The Taylor Swift Dubstep Song," "I Knew You Were Trouble" broke Taylor's last tie to the country community and, according to some rather dim individuals, every ounce of credibility she ever had. All I have to say is: Welcome to the Pop World, Taylor.

13. Agnes "One Last Time" (Extended Remix)
I let you down/And then I woke up next to a stranger
The album version is great and probably fits the mood of Veritas better, but this (somewhat) more uptempo version somehow makes the melancholy and heartbreak that much more palpable. 

12. Justin Bieber "Die In Your Arms"
There's no way that I could share you/That would break my heart to pieces
Like most male popstars, Justin Bieber wants to be the next Michael Jackson. Unlike most male popstars, Justin Bieber could actually be the next Michael Jackson. No, don't snicker at that. It's entirely true. If "Die In Your Arms" proves anything, it's that Bieber can do a smooth, midtempo love song and do it extraordinarily well.

11. Charlotte Perrelli "The Girl"
Of all the mistakes that I know I've done/Breaking your heart was the biggest one
Easily, the year's most epic chorus. The rest of the song ain't too shabby, either.

10. Girls Aloud "Something New"
We're the leaders of the pack/Tell me, can you handle that?
In the years since Girls Aloud's last album, the "girl group" has fallen on some hard times. The last Sugababes album bombed, The Saturdays have grown increasingly generic and new girl groups like Little Mix aren't even fit to carry Nadine's Tesco Club Points card . The Aloud, reuniting with Xenomania, reaffirmed their status as the greatest pop act in the world with "Something New," producing a song that introduced the "something new" pop music sorely needed by late 2012.

09. Cheryl Cole "Call My Name"
I love you too much to let go
The moment my love for Calvin Harris became heart-racingly, like-a-punch-in-the-gut real.

08. Dragonette "Let It Go"
We don't need a cure for the weight of the world
Very rarely do I ever love a song on first listen. But the moment I heard "Let It Go" on the band's SoundCloud page, I was so enamored by this rapturous, pulsing beat that I had to listen to it over and over and over again. Dragonette are often hit or miss for me, but I would hit this song all night long if I could.

07. Avicii "Levels"
Oh, oh, sometimes, I get a good feeling
Given the fact that one 2012 hit sampled it (Flo Rida's "Good Times") and another outright ripped it off (Ke$ha's "Die Young"), "Levels" feels more and more like one of the most important songs of the year.

06. Nicki Minaj "Starships"
But fuck who you want and fuck who you like
The moment when Nicki Minaj either jumped the shark or became reborn as the most atypical, genre-bending popstar around. Obviously, I believe the latter.

05. Justin Bieber "Boyfriend"
I can take you places you ain't never been before
Ten months later and "Boyfriend" is just as clever--both as a single choice and as a song itself--as it was back when it was released.

04. One Direction "One Thing"
Something's gotta give now/'Cause I'm dying just to know your name
To the unconvinced, "One Thing" is teen pop tripe, a generic song that can't even be bothered to come up with something more creative than "You've got that one thing" as its hook. But, in its own way, "One Thing" is a tribute to the boyband songs of yesterday, when times and pop hooks were much simpler. The lyrics may read inane on paper but they reveal a level of depth and longing few songs can muster.

03. Florence + The Machine "Spectrum (Say My Name)" (Calvin Harris Remix)
We are shining/And we will never be afraid again
I've always admired Florence Welch far more than I liked her music ("Dog Days Are Over" and "Shake It Out" notwithstanding). But the moment I heard her wail, "Say my naaaaaaaame!" like a drugged up acid queen over that Calvin Harris beat, I knew that Florence and I would get along just fine.

02. Lana Del Rey "Off to the Races"
I'm your little scarlet starlet/Singing in the garden
Everything a pop song should be but so rarely is: moody, mysterious, lush, yet ever so fragile. A popstar is born.

01. Demi Lovato "Give Your Heart a Break"
You try to smile it away/Some things you can't disguise
Before Miley and Selena eventually caught up to her, Demi was the be all and end all of the Disney pop princesses. Her 2009 album Here We Go Again was a mature-beyond-her-years masterwork which proved (to me, if no one else) that, hey, maybe these Disney kids were on to something. In the three years since that album, I have been a huge supporter of Demi, eagerly awaiting her big mainstream breakthrough. After a rough year for her in her personal life, Demi, almost out of nowhere, achieved just that with "Give Your Heart a Break." Picking up on my favorite trend of 2012, "Give Your Heart a Break" sounds like a light, summery pop song but is actually quite melancholic when you dig beneath the surface. A beautiful, sad love story pours out of Demi about a guy who has been damaged by past relationships and a girl desperately trying to convince him to take a chance on her. "Give Your Heart a Break" wasn't the first time Demi proved that she could hang with the Katy Perrys and Rihannas of the pop world, but it's certainly the most convincing argument that the rest of the world has finally figured this out, too.

Random Top 10: Sonny With a Chance Moments

With the recent news that Demi Lovato is leaving Sonny With a Chance to focus on her music career, I think it's time to bid a proper adieu to the beloved Disney show. The show had already announced that it was changing names (So Random!) and formats (sketch comedy), but Demi leaving is the final nail in the coffin. No one watches the show for the sketches, and without Demi, the show will be missing a vital ingredient that made it a success in the first place. Sterling Knight and Tiffany Thornton will have no one to bounce their insanity off of and it will be a total mess. But instead of dwelling on the negative, I want to celebrate this fabulous show. Sonny With a Chance proved to me that Disney shows could be as legit as network TV and got me watching Wizards of Waverly Place another amazing "kiddie" show. Their epic first season should have nabbed a few Emmys, while the second season, although not as strong overall, showed at least once an episode that the show was just as cutting edge as it was in the past. I will miss this show dearly. Let's take this opportunity to honor some of the best moments the show has given us as a way of saying thank you to Demi, Tiffany, Sterling and company for two seasons of pure joy.

10. The Real Princesses of New Jersey sketch on "So Random Holiday"

"Hey, yo, I walked the five feet to the front door so how 'bout a lil' somethin'-somethin' for your Prince Carmine, ya know what I'm sayin'?"

As a general rule, the sketches on So Random!, the show-within-a-show on Sonny With a Chance, are flat and uninspired, an opportunity for lowbrow humor before we get to the real show. But during a special holiday-themed episode filled with So Random! sketches this past season, this gem emerged. The ladies had previously done this sketch earlier in the season, and it turned out surprisingly well, but adding Sterling Knight as a guido Prince Charming proved to be the missing ingredient that pushed this sketch over the top. How can you not immediately love a sketch that features the SWAC cast parodying Jersey Shore, Demi/Sonny screeching "What am I, an animal?!" or a casual reference to Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road? Springsteen! On a Disney show! Imagine that.

09. Chad and Tawni's Conversation in "With a Chance of Dating"

Sterling and Tiffany were rarely afforded the chance to work together, but whenever they did, they immediately clicked. My favorite moment between them is when they are discussing Sonny's upcoming date with a former flame of Tawni's, mainly because of this awesome exchange:

 

Chad: Why do you want him to back off?

Tawni: Why are you wearing a bib?
Chad: Jealous?

Tawni: I have my own bib!

08. 'High School Miserable'

One of the reasons I loved Sonny With a Chance so much was because of its fearless ability to comment on the conventions of tweenage celebrity and the culture that goes with it. Sonny With a Chance couldn't exist without the Disney Channel and its never ending parade of stars, shows and movies. In this episode, the cast has been fired from So Random! and are forced to go to a public high school. Accustomed to the life of Disney celebrity, the gang (minus Sonny) have no idea how to function in a normal high school setting. When they are rejected by everyone in the school, they start expressing their feelings through song. An onlooker asks Sonny what they are doing. She, shaking her head, says, "Apparently the only high school they know is the musical one." Begrudgingly, Sonny leads a choreographed number straight out of High School Musical. Instead of joining in on the routine, however, the rest of the cafeteria starts booing while throwing their trash at them. The delicious joke at the end which makes this sequence a hilarious send off to Disney's biggest hit: Sonny telling her booing classmates, "Seriously, guys? We just made all of that up!"

07. "Eat carbs, you animals!"

Tiffany Thornton has had many, many wonderful moments as self-absorbed diva Tawni Hart, battling Sonny for the spotlight or indulging in her own vanity. There is this really great moment in the episode "Fast Friends" where Tawni steals the show by (momentarily) helping Sonny out. Sonny has just done an interview where, inadvertently, she goes all "diva crazy" on Chad. She goes to the cafeteria, hoping to get him to admit that it was all a misunderstanding, but is immediately pelted with food by angry people ("There she is. There's the monster!"). Sonny enlists Tawni to cover her while she goes to speak to Chad. Tawni starts throwing rolls at the angry people, shouting "Eat carbs, you animals!" It's a simple moment, but Thornton completely nails it.

06. Chad Being Chad in "Sonny and the Studio Brat"

Chad Dylan Cooper is a one-of-a-kind character and I still stand by my belief that Sterling Knight should have gotten at the very least an Emmy nomination for bringing this character to life. "Sonny and the Studio Brat" isn't his episode, per se, but he does steal scenes like a motherfucking criminal. Witness some of his finest moments right here:

Sonny: Chad, you're so superficial.

 Chad: All I hear when you say that is, "Chad, you're so super blah blah blah blah"

Sonny: I have the sweetest girl here and she really wants to meet you.

Chad: Ooooh, what's she look like?

Sonny: She's nine.

Chad: *hangs up*

 

"Oh daddy?!"

05. Gassie's Funeral

There was a moment in the first two and a half episodes of the second season of Sonny With a Chance where I thought the show had lost the spark that made it so great the first season. The third episode started off with a whimper--the farting dog from one of So Random!'s most popular sketches has suddenly past away thanks to Sonny giving the unloved dog too much attention--but ended with a massive bang that proved the show was just as biting as ever. Chad offers to throw a memorial for Gassie since Sonny is too distraught to do it. She wants a tasteful ceremony which is Chad's cue to throw an extravagant memorial complete with a choir and speeches from his co-stars. While Chad is directing the whole memorial and Tawni is turning her eulogy into yet another attempt to make everything about her, Nico and Grady are trying to make a buck selling useless farting lunchboxes as memorial souvenirs. Coming just 8 months after the death of Michael Jackson and the media circus surrounding his funeral that everyone, even members of his family, took advantage of for their own gain, this is a biting commentary on the state of celebrity deaths circa 2010 ("You saw him as nothing more than a tooting ATM.").

04. "WHY SO SERIOUS?"

Tawni, spending a couple of days without looking in the mirror, ends up looking like The Joker. It's a funny moment that proved that Sonny With a Chance, unlike some other Disney shows, isn't trapped in its own little world and can make suitable pop culture references with the best of them.

03. Sonny and Chad's Fake Date

"Now smile like you're having the time of your life."

From the moment Sonny and Chad first met, sparks flew and it was only a matter of time before they would become the biggest "will they or won't they?" couple in all of TV. It took a couple of episodes, but the Sonny With a Chance writers finally started letting them explore their feelings for each other in this episode by putting them together on a "fake" date to get revenge on a guy who done Sonny wrong. The date starts off with the typical banter that comes from putting Sonny and Chad in the same room ("If we're gonna hold hands, you have to switch sides...This is my hand-holding hand!") but slowly progresses to a point where they are "hypothetically" expressing their desire to date each other. Of course, their original mission interrupts any further attempt at exploring feelings, but it's still a total squee-worthy moment. Another reason this scene is amazing: I believe it's the first time we hear Chad's infamous sign-off "Peace out, suckas! Aaaah!"

02. Banning Zac Efron

"Because it's my wall. And I like saying I banned Zac Efron. There will come a day when Zac Efron comes knocking on that door and he's like, 'Hey, can I come in.' And I'll be like 'Oh no. You're banned."

 

The rivalry between tween heartthrob Chad Dylan Cooper and his more widely-popular foe Zac Efron made for some of the best in-jokes on the show, especially since Sterling Knight is friends with Efron in real life. CDC may be the greatest actor of his generation but the popularity of Efron is something he will always be trying to achieve.

01. "Battle of the Networks' Stars"

I'm choosing the entire episode because how can I be forced to single out one moment from the greatest episode the show ever created? "Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a brilliant synthesis of comedy for Disney's main demographic (children) and a more mature, meta commentary on these tween celebrities. The episode is about Chad directing a movie of his life. After trying to find suitable actors to portray the "losers from So Random!--no offense," Chad relents by allowing the real people play themselves. Except Sonny, that is, who is forced to audition for her role ("This is Sonny Munroe reading for the part of Sonny Munroe"). Before she's even finished, Chad has hired fellow Disney thespian Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato's best friend in real life at the time, to portray Sonny. Shenanigans ensue, which include Sonny calling Selena, in an obvious reference to her role on Wizards of Waverly Place, a "relationship wizard" when she calls Sonny out on liking Chad, and Selena mentioning that she was in a movie called Camp Hip-Hop, referring to Demi's breakout Disney movie. The episodes culminates in a scene on the set of Chad Dylan Cooper: The Chad Dylan Cooper Story. In a move straight out of Synecdoche, New York, Selena has hired Sonny as her "Sonny consultant" to help her get more into character. Mad at Chad, or attempting to hide her true feelings for him, she interrupts shooting a few times, reminding Selena that when Chad's "staring into your eyes, he's really staring at his reflection in your eyes." After calling him "the worst actor of our generation," Chad explodes and they erupt into the most passionately angry fight I've ever seen on a Disney show. I thought for sure they were going to jump each other.

Besides being a truly hilarious episode--even Nico, after spending time with lookalikes of himself and Grady who know how to get girls, gets a funny line: "Maybe they can teach us to be better versions of ourselves"--"Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a sly exploration of Sonny and Chad's relationship. Chad's movie recreates key moments in the Sonny and Chad relationship we've seen on Sonny With a Chance, but Chad has tweaked them so that Sonny has fallen in love with him. Is this simply an ego boost for Chad, a reminder that he can get any girl to fall in love with him, or is it wishful thinking on his part? And after Selena insists that Sonny has feelings for Chad, Sonny decides to don a cloak and wizard hat to become "relationship wizard" Selena, just as Selena has become Sonny. It's a great visual gag, and it does allow Chad to call Sonny "Scary Potter," but it's also a defense mechanism for Sonny. She becomes Selena as a way of distracting herself from the fact that what Selena said may be true. The fact that Sonny With a Chance chooses to portray the Sonny and Chad relationship in this manner is truly astounding; the fact that it does this while also being hilariously quotable is further proof that this was not just another Disney show.

Please Remember. Don't Surrender.

When I came home from class tonight to the devastating news that Disney starlet and Rants of a Diva fave Demi Lovato had left her current tour with the Jonas Brothers to admit herself into a treatment center to address "physical and emotional issues," I had quite mixed emotions about the whole affair. On one hand, the suddenness and severity of the news caught me completely off guard. Usually, an inevitable announcement like this comes in stages after weeks or even months of erratic behavior reported vociferously by the press. I was around during the glory days of Brit's and Lindsay's (early) meltdowns, so I'm well aware of how these things are usually handled in the press. But Disney must have been working overtime trying to cover all the tracks because this announcement totally blind sided everyone.

On the other hand, when you sit down and think about it after the initial shock has passed, the news is not that surprising. Of the three main Disney girls (Miley & Selena being the other two), I've always thought of Demi as the goddess of the House of Mouse: beautiful, talented, friendly yet not entirely knowable. She's put on this pedestal for all to admire yet I have always gotten the sense that there was more to her than her public persona ever gave away, a sadness that she had to keep hidden. And, ironically, this makes her the most human of the three girls. Negative, hateful press affected her more than anyone; Selena is far too "new" to the mainstream while Miley has been dealing with it longer and has developed a thick skin. The never ending stress of being a highly valuable Disney star certainly took its toll on her. I remember reading her Twitter during the summer of '09 when she was shooting Camp Rock 2 and she was lamenting about how exhausted she was by her non-stop schedule. This is probably something every celebrity has done from time to time, especially with the advent of Twitter, but there was a note of desperate sadness that I've never forgotten. Plus, you can't forget that this is a woman who was shooting a movie in Toronto while on a hiatus from a nationwide, headlining tour while in the midst of promoting her sophomore album who, after the movie wrapped, would go right back to her tour and then rush back to make more episodes of her sitcom. Add to that the fact that she was only 16 or 17 at the time and her exhaustion makes perfect sense. Child stars never have it easy and it takes an incredibly strong person to weather half the shit many of the Disney stars of today have to go through.

If nothing else, the one event that catapulted Demi to the mainstream quicker than anything else was the announcement that she and Joe Jonas had taken their friendship to a whole new level. From the start, the relationship smelled fishy, and, sure enough, the relationship lasted mere months; Demi and Joe, however, assured everyone that they would remain professional. While I would never question Demi's professionalism, I did wonder how exactly she would react in public about the whole ordeal. Although she hasn't gone quite as far as Taylor Swift in talking about her relationships in public, we can't forget that this is the same woman who, after being asked how her best friend at the time Selena Gomez was doing, quipped "Ask Taylor [Swift]" with a sarcastic grin on her face. She got a good one in on Joe during this concert in Brazil, but for all her apparent bitterness, you know the whole ordeal hurt her more than she let on. You can only be so tough for so long. And when your ex is flaunting his new girlfriend (Joe has been apparently dating Twilight star Ashley Greene for a month or so) in front of your face, and you're stuck with him for months on end, that has to be next to impossible to deal with.

When the news of Demi entering a treatment facility first broke, the speculation about the reasons for her entering was rampant. Was it drugs? Mental illness? An alleged fight she got into while on tour? Finally, the apparent causes reared their ugly head and it was even sadder than anyone imagined: self-mutilation and an eating disorder stemming from her long history of being bullied. She's often spoken out against bullying, admitting that she was bullied so severely in middle school she had to leave to get home schooled. The fact that she's been so traumatized by this that she is still dealing with it years later, and in unhealthy ways, is heartbreaking. I wish Demi a speedy recovery, but I don't want to see her until she is back to 100%. None of this Lindsay Lohan bullshit, spending 30 days in recovery, telling everyone "I'm fine" and then back to your old habits. I don't care how long it takes. I just want my Demi happy and healthy. We love you, gurl, and have nothing but positive energy for you.

"I've got to talk to you about something."

Chad: Is this about our date?

Sonny: Yes, I just...I think we need to call it off.

Chad: What, is this about me not telling you how things play out between Mac and Chloe?

Sonny: No, I seriously don't care about them or The Falls right now. I just...I think I rushed into something I didn't fully think through.

Chad: That hurts me, Sonny.

Sonny: I'm sorry.


Chad: How could you say you don't care about The Falls?

Sonny: Whoa, whoa, wait. What are you more upset about: the fact that I'm calling off our date or that I'm over The Falls?


Chad: [Pauses] That's a toughie.

Sonny: That's a toughie?

Chad: Well, if you date me, you date The Falls. So if you hurt one of us, you hurt us both.

Sonny: Oh my Gosh. I can't believe I was so close to going on a date with you. What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't thinking...

Chad: Yeah, and ironically this is a drama free zone so...SECURITY!

Sonny: Let me tell you something, 24 hours ago I fell in love with a guy named Mackenzie and you, Chad, are no...


Chad: Don't say Mackenzie. DO NOT say Mackenzie.

Sonny: ...Mackenzie


Chad: That's it, she said it. Where's my security? You are no longer welcome at The Falls!


Sonny: You said Falls!

Top Performances of the Past TV Season

Last year around this time, I came up with a list of 25 of my favorite TV performances from that season. That post was a major hit, generating more comments than I usually get in a fortnight, so, of course, I'm doing another one to hopefully cash in on that popularity. This year, after expressing my continuing dissatisfaction with TV in general, I had to change this post up a lot in order to stay true with what really fascinated me this season. I expanded my definition of "performance" to include reality TV performance since, in its on way, those appearing in reality TV are doing their own version of "acting."

Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Liz Lemon was her usual wonderful Liz Lemon self this past season of 30 Rock, marching toward middle age still alone, bitter and as relatable as ever.

Joel McHale, Community
McHale's Jeff is the walking definition of a "dickweed," but it's all part of the roguish charm he casts over us and the other misfits in his study group at Greendale Community College.

Jane Lynch, Glee
By the end of the season, the show was an absolute chore to sit through. Lynch's omnipotent villain, Sue Sylvester, however, was always worth waiting through the shitty melodramatics and dumb karaoke numbers to discover. Her constant attempts to bring down the Glee club, often through manipulation, blackmail and out-and-out cheating (not to mention her many insults of Mr. Schu's hair) were always funny, even when the show refused to change anything up plot-wise. All in all, I love the way Sue sees it.

Keir Gilchrist, United States of Tara
While working through the facets of his sexuality on this season of Tara, Marshall, under the guidance of Keir Gilchrist, became quite possibly the most complex gay character on TV right now. If not, he's definitely a breath of fresh air from the usual drama queens and depressed souls we're usually assaulted with.

Snooki, Jersey Shore
From the moment this construction-cone-orange Oompa Loompa with a big ole pouf on her head arrived on the scene, my life has never been the same. At first, she looks like the typical Real World skank who drinks too much and then gets verbally abusive while looking for some penis. Somehow, over the course of Jersey Shore's brilliant first season, she became its heart and soul, the emotional core of the entire show. The moment when she is wrongly punched in the face by some random guido at the bar made this clear, as we all took this action as a call to arms to hunt that asshole down and punch him in the face. After that, however, Snooki became our favorite sexually promiscuous girl, constantly looking for her juicehead gorilla but always coming up with the short end of the stick. Oh, that Snooki, always looking for love but never quite finding it.

RuPaul, RuPaul's Drag Race
Not only was she damn fabulous every week--seriously, 99% of women never come close to looking as good as Ru on an off day--but she was an endearing and oh so lovable mama bear to all of the queen cubs, spouting words of wisdom like "Don't fuck it up!" or "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?" (my new personal mantra). And who can forget her line reading of "It's time to LIP SYNC....for your LIFE"?

The Cast of Wizards of Waverly Place [Selena Gomez, David Henrie, Jake T. Austin, Maria Canals-Barrera, David DeLuise, Jennifer Stone, Dan Benson]
The Russos are, without a doubt, the realest family on TV since the Millers on Still Standing. They lie, cheat, manipulate and cast spells to get what they want, but there's never any doubt that love is what bonds them together (or the fact that they have nowhere else to go). As far as acting goes, Gomez is a deliciously "dark" alternative to the typical Disney starlet. Henrie has a natural gift for comedy that makes his gay older brother a treat to watch. Austin does stupidity with intelligence. Canals-Barrera and DeLuise resist the urge to play broad as many adults on tween shows seem to do. Stone plays her character's eccentricities for endearment rather than cheap laughs. Bonus points for Dan Benson who plays Justin's best gal pal Zeke and his overwhelming dorkiness/homosexuality.

Sterling Knight, Tiffany Thornton and Demi Lovato, Sonny With a Chance
Whenever these three are involved in the main plot of an episode, you can rest assured that amazingness will ensue. I've already aired my complaints with the current season, but when these three are on (as in the celebrity funeral parody when Gassie, the farting dog, passes away), few actors their age, Disney or not, can match them.

Suze Orman, The Suze Orman Show
Since I started watching The Suze Orman Show a few months ago, I've come to the conclusion that Suze isn't merely a TV show host. Rather, she is a TV Personality with a capital "P." The way she calls everyone "girlfriend" or "boyfriend," the way she yells "DENIED!" at those who really can't afford whatever treasure they want on the Can I Afford It segment, even the way she gives one of her patented Suze Smackdowns betrays a woman who not only knows what the fuck she is talking about, but, also, a woman who knows how to make 401(k)'s and eight month emergency funds as entertaining as possible.

Becki Newton, Ugly Betty
TV's greatest fag hag since Grace Adler brought the funny every time she appeared on screen this season, even in the dire first half of the season where no one seemed to know what the fuck they were doing anymore. In the four years Ugly Betty has been on the air, she has gone from resident bitch to comedic genius. I can't wait to see what she can do on her new show this year.

Nicole Anderson and Chelsea Staub, JONAS
The Jonas Brothers may be the stars, but it's the women of JONAS who rule the show week in and week out. Staub, with her regality and no-holds-barred approach to her character, remains the mostly sweet, occasionally bitter heart of the show. Anderson, who could have become annoying five minutes in as the fanatic fangirl, constantly pushed herself to make the unremarkable material fresh and funny (I especially loved her breathless texting and site updating while on a date with Joe).

Team Griffin, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
They always bring the funny, but Kathy and her team (which consists of mother Maggie, assistant Tiffany and tour manager Tom) constantly had me in stitches on this past celebrity-filled season of My Life on the D-List. The show isn't "reality" anymore, if it ever really was, yet that doesn't really matter.

Kirstie Alley, Kirstie Alley's Big Life
I nearly peed my pants the moment when she started pulling that huge branch across the driveway live an ox plowing the field. What I thought would be a self-conscious and ungodly account of a woman who won't shut up about being fat was actually one of the most spirited riffs on reality television since My Life on the D-List. Bravo!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
In what has sadly become the final season of Old Christine, Louis-Dreyfus continued to bring the laughs as alcoholic, over-dramatic, loser mama Christine Campbell (who somehow makes Liz Lemon look like a winner). My favorite moment of hers was when she accidentally kidnapped a woman she used to torment in junior high when she wouldn't accept her apology. Only Louis-Dreyfus could make a plot as ridiculous as that work. This show will be missed.

Top 10 Albums of 2009

Erik Hassle
Hassle
Scandinavian import Erik Hassle's debut album didn't break new ground, but Hassle was a solid, immediately enjoyable album. There's a lot of promise here and so many directions Hassle can take his sound, so I'll be anxiously awaiting whatever comes next.
Key Tracks: 'Don't Bring Flowers,' 'Hurtful,' 'All That I Wanted Was You'


Little Boots
Hands
Everytime I listen to Hands, I kick myself for not listening to it more often. The album doesn't quite linger like I would like it to, but there's no denying the power and originality of the songs. Of the many nouveau-80's music acts around these days (not that I'm complaining), Little Boots seems to be one of the few who is looking ahead as well.
Key Tracks: 'Remedy,' 'Love Kills,' 'Meddle'


Lily Allen
It's Not Me, It's You
As a fan of Lily's debut album Alright, Still, I was excited to find that It's Not Me, It's You retained her trademark dark sense of humor but allowed her sound to mature in unexpected ways. I'm still not sure what genre I would classify Lily in (pop? indie? soft rock?) but I doubt that even matters; she sounds fantastic when not stuck in a box.
Key Tracks: 'The Fear,' 'Fuck You,' 'Chinese'


Paloma Faith
Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful?
Well, this was a pleasant surprise. Based on the overly precious and quirky album cover, I wasn't expecting much from Ms. Faith, but I'll be damned if she didn't completely sucker me in on the first listen. With her neo-60's soul sound, I suspect she'll be making music I want to listen to for years to come.
Key Tracks: 'New York,' 'Play On,' 'Stone Cold Sober'


Shakira
She Wolf
Not quite Laundry Service, but an excellent collection of songs, led by the batshit crazy title song, that practically scream "Shakira" with their oddly clever lyrics and indescribable vocals.
Key Tracks: 'Spy,' 'She Wolf,' 'Did It Again'


Natalie Imbruglia
Come to Life
There's nothing I love more than when pop stars get personal on their album. Usually, they are big a "fuck you" to anyone who has done them wrong and who doesn't love that. Natalie Imbruglia, on the other hand, explores the pain and heartbreak of her recent divorce on Come to Life. Talk about uncomfortable. Fortunately, however, the music is never uncomfortable to listen to for Imbruglia is careful to craft beautiful music around her emotions. An impressive "comeback" from our one-time One Hit Wonder.
Key Tracks: 'Fun,' 'Want,' 'Lukas'


La Roux
La Roux
Listening to La Roux's debut album is like being transported to LA in the 1980's. For some, this may be their idea of hell. I, on the other hand, couldn't think of anything better. What's so impressive about this album is that they are so unapologetic about their love for 80's synth pop. And, by some odd miracle, lead singer Elly Jackson's blankly robotic voice is able to emote better than nearly every "real" singer American Idol has ever produced. Please, La Roux, don't ever give up the good fight for 80's synth pop!
Key Tracks: 'Bulletproof,' 'Armour Love,' 'Reflections Are Protection'


Lady GaGa
The Fame Monster
Within the span of 12 months, Lady GaGa grew into a pop artist of incredible maturity. The Fame Monster only has eight tracks, but damn what an amazing group of eight tracks they are. We are all living in GaGa's world know and, you know, I think that's something I can live with.
Key Tracks: 'Bad Romance,' 'Dance in the Dark,' 'Telephone'


Demi Lovato
Here We Go Again
Speaking of maturity, can you believe that Her We Go Again came from not only an underage artist, but a Disney one at that? Constantly pushing the boundaries, creatively and vocally, Demi Lovato has become quite the powerhouse for a 17-year old. Listen how she emotes the loneliness and aching during the opening verse of 'Falling Over Me.' Again, and I hate to sound like an American Idol judge but 17 YEARS OLD. This is Demi, bitch, and Miley better watch her back because there's a new teen queen ready to take her throne.
Key Tracks: 'Every Time You Lie,' 'Remember December,' 'U Got Nothin' On Me'


Rihanna
Rated R
I'm just gonna say it: Rihanna's Rated R is probably the greatest synthesis of urban and rock music since Aerosmith and Run DMC's 'Walk This Way.' And, given the situation she's been through this year, it's no wonder she went for a darker, harder sound after the pop sensation that was Good Girl Gone Bad. Rihanna's operatic tribute to the glory of violence, guns and stupidity is light years ahead of anything in pop music today, so it's probably no surprise that album has done poorly sales wise. This is her My December, the darker follow-up to a singles-driven monster of an album and the one she will be remembered for.
Key Tracks: 'Fire Bomb,' 'Stupid in Love,' 'Rockstar 101'

The Ladies of 2009

A couple of weeks ago, I gave props to the men of 2009. While I'm sure many of you appreciated the eye candy, I think we can all admit that 2009 was all about the women. For better or worse, these six women defined and dominated 2009. So, instead of lumping them with the men, I decided the ladies needed their own post so they could be fawned over and appreciated properly.

I envisioned this post as one of those Vanity Fair covers where seemingly random celebrities, given clever nicknames, congregate in a room in coordinating ensembles. Unfortunately, I don't have a budget and couldn't make it work (Tim Gunn would be so disappointed). I hope, however, that you enjoy what I came up with and will celebrate these glorious women for having a fantastic 2009.

Drew Barrymore
The Actress

Aside from Never Been Kissed, I've never been a big Drew Barrymore fan. That's not her fault exactly, I'm just not big on many of the Romcom Queens like Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock. What they do is all in good fun and, although it doesn't thrill me, who am I to say that they aren't "actors." Having true movie star presence is not something you can learn. If you do have it, it is something to be treasured, not frowned upon and degraded like most people seem to do. Drew has this quality, so I was curious to see how she would handle Little Edie in the made-for-TV movie Grey Gardens. I had never seen the acclaimed documentary or stage show of the same title, but I knew the general gist of the story. It would be an amazing opportunity for Barrymore to prove the haters the wrong, but also a tad perilous since one wrong move and she would be exiled back to doing one Fever Pitch after another for the next ten years. Thankfully, she absolutely nailed the performance, working wonders with an incredibly odd accent that would have tripped up other actors while still more emotionally gripping and compelling than I've ever seen her before. I know you're probably thinking, "She was great in one film, whoop-de-do. Why is she one of The Ladies of 2009?" Let me tell you why: a couple of days after Grey Gardens, I watched He's Just Not That Into You and thought to myself, "Damn, this movie needs Drew Barrymore." I secretly cheered everytime she came on-screen, loving her monologue after a long absence in the narrative about the problems that modern technology has on dating. When I am praying for more Drew Barrymore screentime and seriously considering seeing Everybody's Fine in theatres for her, you know she is having a kickass year.

Beyoncé
The Diva

For a woman who has literally done it all at least three or four times, it was exciting to see B (she's so huge now she only needs to be referred by a letter now!) surprise us yet again in 2009. Riding high on all of the 'Single Ladies' love from the end of 2008, B's big year kicked off at the Oscars. Was she nominated for that elusive statue she's been trying so hard to get? Unfortunately, no. But she was on-hand to take part in one of the best live performances of the year: the "The Musical is Back!" medley with...ummm...come to think of it, who else was on that stage? I can't remember because all I can recall is Beyoncé in all of her diva glory, coyly smiling while launching into a rendition of 'At Last' and launching herself to center stage when 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' came on. Then came the epic film of our times, the movie from 2009 I fondly think back on most often: Obsessed. Without Beyoncé, the film would have been close to unwatchable, but B decides add some, um, class to the film, especially during that epic catfight finale. If you ever wanted to see B headbutt Ali Larter and then drag her across the floor while yelling, "I'ma wipe the floor wit yo skinny ass!" you are in luck! Beyoncé is beyond brilliant in the film, managing to deliver a fantastic star performance in a film that should have been a complete snoozefest. Although not as iconic as 'Single Ladies,' the video for 'Sweet Dreams' became a must-watch literally everytime I hung out with my friends Kelli & Megan during the fall. My favorite bits? The dance breakdown during the "My guilty pleasure" verse and the indescribably weird gold corset/robot scene. I still have no clue what any of it meant but I was enchanted. When September came around, it was time to pick up her VMA's for 'Single Ladies' but I doubt even she could predict the shit that went down around her at the ceremony. The whole Kanye/Taylor feud has been discussed at length all over the interweb, but I just have to say that I loved both B's humility during the whole thing (she allowed Taylor to come up and finish her speech after she won Video of the Year) and her many "Bitch please" looks (as in, "Bitch please, do not get me involved in this" and "Bitch please, you shot your video in a high school?"). Finally, B capped off her year with two collaborations with another one of 2009's biggest artists: Lady GaGa. 'Telephone,' the second single from GaGa's The Fame Monster, hasn't officially been released yet, but it's a surefire hit in the making. Not only will the video be hot, but the song is incredible and B completely dominates her verse; one thing 'Telephone' is surely not is a disastuh. We did get the video for an extended version of 'Video Phone,' and while the song is utter shit that I can't stop listening to, the video is a fun romp of girls, guns and garish colors. Whew. Just listing all of B's accomplishments this year is exhausting. How one woman did all this in a span of 12 months is astounding.

Sandra Bullock
The Pro

Like I said when I talked about Drew Barrymore, I'm not big on the Romcom Queens. Sandra Bullock has been charming audiences for years but outside of Miss Congeniality (I've seen that movie way too many times to count) and Crash I either haven't seen her movies or haven't cared. When The Proposal made a shit-ton of money in June, I didn't really pay attention because the combination of Sandy + Ryan Reynolds + "They've fallen in love, isn't that adorable?" storyline held no interest for me. When previews for The Blind Side came out in September and Adam claimed that Sandra Bullock was an underdog in the Best Actress race, I guffawed at the cheesiness of the movie, Sandy's accent and the craziness of the possibility of her getting nominated. But then something happened and I did a complete 180. Out of nowhere, people started attacking Sandy's performance in The Blind Side and it's inexplicable popularity (the gross is already close to $200 million). So, as with any silly little feud, I had to take a side and I suddenly found myself on Team Bullock before I had even seen the movie. Just the thought of seeing Sandy at the Oscars, giving the middle finger to all the haters when they read off the nominees. Now that I've seen The Blind Side, I can say that even if she won't make my shortlist this year, Bullock deserves her Oscar nom. Sure, she relies on her charming personality, but she also completely nails the bitchy PTA mom part of her character. It may not be Erin Brockovich but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a good time. And at 45, the fact that Sandy is still entertaining audiences and raking in the cash is a nice kick in the balls to all the studio bosses who think actress' careers are over by 40.

Lady GaGa
The It Girl

It is scary to think about, but 15 months ago there was no Lady GaGa. She's become a part of our lives so quickly and so completely that it is hard to imagine a time when she wasn't a prominent feature of the pop music landscape. The greatest thing about GaGa is that she grew leaps in bounds in not just one but multiple ways over 2009. Her most noticeable change was through her music. She started 2009 riding off the success of 'Just Dance,' a simple little ditty about dancing to escape the worries of the day (an appropriate hit during the early days of the recession) and her music only grew more mature and considerably darker as the year progressed. First came 'Poker Face,' a great summer song with its simple hook and breezy message about the duality of sex and sexuality. Then 'Paparazzi' and its dark obsession with celebrity under the guise of a slick pop song. Finally came 'Bad Romance,' the #1 song of 2009 and true emotional epic, and the entire Fame Monster album, a far cry from the sunny and light tracks of The Fame. GaGa also became a legitimate fashion icon in 2009. From the beginning, GaGa was known for wearing odd clothes, often in clear danger of showing her vagina. As the year wore on, however, her choices remained just as weird but became increasingly more avant garde and fabulous. The VMA's, aside from the Taylor/Kanye feud, became all about "What is GaGa gonna wear next?" Will it be a 19th century masquerade ball mask? A red lace crown thing that covers her entire face? Or a cut up 80's wedding dress covered in blood? No one knows and that element of surprise keeps me entertained. The final, and possibly least discussed, reason why 2009 belonged to GaGa was the fact that she has become a gay icon practically overnight. The gays are usually fickle; we have our passing infatuations with celebrities, but once you're in with us, you're in for life. GaGa met some resistance initially from people who thought she was trying too hard to be Madonna, but, eventually, the majority of the gays caved in by the time 'Bad Romance' and The Fame Monster came out. GaGa's one of the few mainstream artists who have openly supported gays right from the beginning, catering to their love of money, boys and fashion and even performing at the big protest rally in Washington, D.C., instead of many "gay icons" who slowly lend their support as their career solidifies. She's here, she's queer-supporting, get used to it America and that's why I love her. If you think GaGa gives a flying fuck what you think about her, then your sadly mistaken. She's a true role model, someone whose attitude we can all embrace to become better and less judgmental people.

Demi Lovato
The Up-and-Comer

"Demi Lovato is pretty good as far as these things goes. She's a decent actress with a better than average voice for a Disney film, but she won't have a lasting career."

Boy, when I'm wrong, I'm really wrong. Back when I first saw Camp Rock, I never thought in a million years I would even think about Demi Lovato after those 90 minutes of pure visual and sonic torture, let alone adore her as much as I do now. She wasn't bad by any means, especially in comparison to co-stars Joe Jonas and Meghan Martin, but I was not particularly impressed. Like most Disney actors, she tried too hard to be funny and whenever a joke fell flat, she simply flashed her enormous smile as some sort of compensation. I wasn't buying it. I gave her first album, Get Back, a chance back in the beginning of the year but it was a bit too Jonasy for my taste (to be fair, I've recently come around on 'Get Back,' 'Lo Que Soy' and 'Behind Enemy Lines). When Here We Go Again came out in June or so, I gave it a shot and wasn't impressed at first. Everything sounded similar to the first album and I wasn't feeling it. Then I listened to it a few more times and became hooked. Unlike many of her Disney contemporaries, Demi can actually sing. I'm not going to deny that some of the Disney starlets have pleasant voices, but Demi's beyond-her-17-years maturity completely blows the out of the water. Here We Go Again is probably my most listened to album of the year and I won't get sick of it soon. Loving her album, I decided to give Demi another chance in the acting field by watching her Disney sitcom Sonny With a Chance. I was instantly hooked. Unlike most Disney shows where the star is the worst actor and least interesting cast member, Demi is actually an engaging personality and continuously improved her comedic chops throughout the season. By the time the episode "Cookie Monsters" (the one where she and Chad compete to sell more Blossom Scout cookies) rolled around in late November, the Camp Rock Demi was nothing but a distant memory. As if this stellar year wasn't enough, she contributed to the Disney Channel's charity single 'Send It On,' an attempt to cash-in on help end global warming. She sang with all of the Disney biggies--Miley, Selena and all of the Jonas Brothers--and, unsurprisingly, she blew them all way. Miley attempted to a sing-off with her at the end, but Demi was like, "Bitch please" and sang one big glory note to prove once and for all who should be the Queen of Disney. If Miley's not careful, 2010 will be the year Demi (rightfully) snatches that crown.

Rihanna
The Survivor

When reports broke that Chris Brown had horribly beaten his girlfriend Rihanna on the eve of the Grammy Awards, I was as stunned as everyone else was. Eventually, however, I turned into a strong black woman, rallying against Brown with an "Oh, HELL no!" How dare this moron beat up our pop princess. While I was preparing a petition to get Chris Brown the death penalty, Rihanna remained mum on the whole situation, much to the chagrin of a number of people (well, some people thought she was a bitch and deserved it, so I guess you can't please everyone). When she finally broke her silence in the fall, the reality became even scarier: if Rihanna, the woman who had spent a majority of 2007 and 2008 dominating the music world, can be abused, it can truly happen to anyone. In response to all the craziness that had gone down in 2009 and her new-found status as a poster child for woman's rights, she released Rated R, a dark meditation on violence, revenge and love gone bad. While obviously not as single heavy as Good Girl Gone Bad, Rated R proved that Rihanna is a true artist capable of intertwining personal situations into catchy, insanely glorious pop songs. That's not easy, my friends, and Rihanna did it with style and class.