Best Actress Bar Crawl

If Twitter is good for nothing else, it's a fantastic place to share silly ideas with people and watch them blossom into something completely different and unexpected. After watching her on a talk show being her fabulous, charismatic, over-the-top self, I innocently commented on Twitter that my dream in life was to go out drinking with Gabourey Sidibe. My birthday twin Will jokingly responded that we were free to meet him and Jennifer Lawrence for happy hour. This spawned its own conversation as we imagined this outing which somehow grew to include a party bus and Zayn and Harry from One Direction stopping by at some point. During this fun, however, a wonderful hypothetical question came to my mind: which recent Best Actress nominees would I like to go with on a one night bar crawl? In its own way, this is a great way to get to know people, whether they are your oldest friends or a complete stranger. You can certainly tell a lot about a person who would pick Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet over Catalina Sandino Moreno and Samantha Morton (anyone who picks Renée Zellweger is certainly not to be trusted). So, in the spirit of getting to know me better--as if my life isn't already an open book--here are the five Best Actress nominees since 2000 I'd love to have a drink with:

Gabourey Sidibe

If you've ever seen Gabby on a talk show, particularly the fast and loose Chelsea Lately, you will understand where I'm coming from on this one. This girl knows how to have a good time. Plus, she's admitted that she loves to drink and she's an endless fountain of 90s trivia. What can possibly happen with her except the best damn night of drinking ever?

Jennifer Lawrence

Yes, I'm stealing this answer from Will, but once he mentioned her, I knew she had to come along as well. Jennifer may seem like an odd choice as she usually appears to be Ms. Serious Actress after Winter Bone and The Hunger Games. As with Gabby, though, if you have seen her on a talk show, you will know that this girl knows how to have fun. Besides, how can you say no to a woman who will photo bomb her own boyfriend:

I rest my case.

Anne Hathaway

As one of the only three women I would switch teams for (Penelope Cruz and Christina Hendricks being the other two), it's only fitting that I invite Anne along so that maybe we can drunkenly make out a little bit. And, unlike Penelope, there won't be any language barrier, so she'll get to be her fun, witty self all night long (Although I like to imagine that Penelope speaks better English when she's drunk).

Helen Mirren

This bitch may be 67 years old, but you know she would be able to drink everyone in the bar under the table and still be classy/sexy enough to make out with someone a third her age without looking like a desperate, pathetic cougar. God bless this Dame.

Sandy Bullock

Who else besides Sandy, with her trademarked deadpan sense of humor, is going to make fun of the losers all around us at the bar with me? If we go to the gay bar in my town, we will definitely more than enough targets to launch our barbs on.

Now, more importantly, which lovely ladies would you pick?

Half-Way Report for 2012

Best Film

01. The Cabin in the Woods (Drew Goddard)

This movie was so fucked up on so many levels, I have no idea where to even begin. The film balances dark humor and horror as well as Scream, albeit in a less self-referential way. But the real kicker is that finale which throws everything at the wall. It probably shouldn't work so well, but I found myself endlessly fascinated (and simultaneously horrified) by the spectacle.

02. The Hunger Games (Gary Ross)

03. 21 Jump Street (Phil Lord & Chris Miller)

Best Performance

01. Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games

Like Crazy is the film that turned me into a J. Law fan. The Hunger Games is what turned that love into an obsession. We all knew she could do tough, extremely focused characters--a prerequisite for Katniss Everdeen that no other young actress in Hollywood can even come close to matching Lawrence in--but The Hunger Games shows different facets of J. Law's personality that we've really only seen from her on the promotion trail. In a few moments, usually opposite Josh Hutcherson (also perfectly cast: a kid actor playing an eager-to-please contestant who knows how to get people to like him), she showed a charm and comic timing usually only seen from her on talk shows. And the flaming dress she wears while riding into the Capitol matches the fire bomb sexpot we saw at the 2010 Oscars when she wore that va-va-va voom red Baywatch dress. If we hadn't already seen it before, The Hunger Games proves that Jennifer Lawrence is the already the best actress of her generation.

02. Channing Tatum, 21 Jump Street

03. Armie Hammer, Mirror Mirror

Best Rental

01. History is Made at Night (Frank Borzage)

Married to a neurotic, possessive millionaire, Jean Arthur flees and falls in love with a charming Charles Boyer. Borzage, a well-kept secret of the studio era, keeps what could have been a farfetched, hand-ringing melodrama subtle and low-key, while Arthur, best known today for her Capra comedies, proves that she was as versatile an actress as any of her more well regarded contemporaries.

02. Metropolitan (Whit Stillman)

03. Possession (Andrzej Zulawski)

04. When Harry Met Sally... (Rob Reiner)

05. Sadie Thompson (Raoul Walsh)

Best Song

01. Lana Del Rey "Off to the Races"

Any initial skepticism I had about Ms. Del Rey was quickly erased after hearing this song. Lush, incredibly rich, and emotionally devastating, "Off to the Races" is five minutes of beautiful catharsis.

02. Nicki Minaj "Starships"

03. Dragonette "Let It Go"

04. Demi Lovato "Give Your Heart a Break"

05. Avicii "Levels"

Best Album

01. Justin Bieber, Believe

The teen sensation wisely matures while keeping an eye on the young fans who got him where he is. Easily the best teen pop album since Miley's Can't Be Tamed (and a perfect counterpoint on how to grow up from your teenage fandom without completely alienating them at the same time).

 

02. Madonna, MDNA

03. Kris Allen, Thank You Camellia

04. Lana Del Rey, Born to Die

05. fun., Some Nights

Best Music Video

01. One Direction "One Thing"

With music video budgets, especially those of young, up-and-coming artists, continuously getting slashed, artists have to be creative with the little money they have. None of One Direction's video have been what you'd call "big budget," but with "One Thing," they have finally found the perfect outlet to display their massive personalities. Punctuated with tiny, adorable moments (the choreographed "dance", Zayn's adorable head bob behind Louis), the "One Thing" video succinctly shows the One Direction boys as the adorable, ridiculous fellas we know them as.

02. Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"

03. Foster the People "Color on the Walls (Don't Stop)"

04. Madonna "Girl Gone Wild"

05. Madonna featuring M.I.A. & Nicki Minaj "Give Me All Your Luvin'"

Hottest (New) Guys

01. The Teen Wolf Boys

There's a reason "Have sex with all of the Teen Wolf boys" is number three on my bucket list.

02. Drake

03. Cody Rhodes

04. Jeremy Irvine

05. Clint Mauro

2011 Diva Cup Awards: The Extra Categories

Best Ensemble

Beginners

[Ewan McGregor, Christopher Plummer, Mélanie Laurent, Mary Page Keller, Goran Visnjic]

 

☆Bridesmaids

[Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Chris O'Dowd, Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Jill Clayburgh, Jon Hamm]

 

Win Win

[Paul Giamatti, Amy Ryan, Alex Shaffer, Bobby Cannavale, Jeffrey Tambor, Burt Young, Melanie Lynskey]

 

X-Men: First Class

[Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Kevin Bacon, Rose Byrne, Nicholas Hoult, Zoe Kravitz, January Jones, Caleb Landry Jones, Edi Gathegi]

 

Young Adult

[Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson, Elizabeth Reaser, Collette Wolfe, Jill Eikenberry, Richard Bekins]

As good as these nominees are, none of them hold a candle to the ladies of Bridesmaids.

Best Scene

Abduction: Dr. Bennett's Plan

The Artist: Peppy's Dance

Bridesmaids: The Engagement Party Toast(s)

Bridesmaids: Wedding Shower Meltdown

Drive: Motel Massacre

☆Young Adult: Mavis' New Life

Whether they provoked laughter, unintentional (Abduction) or not (Bridesmaids), perfectly encapsulated the tiny joys of cinema (The Artist), raised the stakes of their film (Drive) or dared to defy genre conventions (Young Adult), these six nominees practically summed up 2011 for me. How could I narrow them down any further? While both Bridesmaids scenes managed the near impossible task of developing character and the dramatic undertones of the entire film amidst hilarious-beyond-belief comedic set pieces, Young Adult's controversial ending dared us to root on an awful character who didn't change for the better and is probably in the same place she was at the beginning of the film. In a film that opened with a wide release, that takes some massive balls, my friend.

Best Quote/Line Reading

Abduction: "There'll be time for you to emotionally deal with all this, but right now you've got to get your shit together."

☆Bridesmaids: "Help me, I'm poor."

Bridesmaids: "I swear to God that dolphin looked, not at me, but into my soul. Into my Goddamn soul, Annie."

Midnight in Paris: "I hear the songs he writes, and I realize I'll never write a real lyric and my talent really lies in drinking."

Scream 4: "Don't fuck with the original."

Was there a more relatable line in 2011 than Annie's drunken, pity-seeking admission?

Breakthrough Performance

Bérénice Bejo, The Artist

☆Jessica Chastain, The Help

Charlie Day, Horrible Bosses

Jasper Newell, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene

An admittedly difficult choice between Bejo and Chastain, both of whom brought vast amounts of charm, energy and pizazz to their films with the effortless ease of the best old school movie stars. Chastain wins out mainly because she saves her film from near unwatchability, but I can't wait for what both of these ladies come up with for their next offerings.

Best Diva

 

 Rose Byrne, Bridesmaids

Cameron Diaz, Bad Teacher

Miss Piggy, The Muppets

Allison Pill, Midnight in Paris

☆Charlize Theron, Young Adult

As if anyone could compete with Charlize's eye-rolling, Diet-Coke-swilling, man-stealing Mavis Gary in this category. The bitch was the diva from head to toe.

Best Sexpot

Henry Cavill, Immortals

Dominic Cooper, The Devil's Double

☆Michael Fassbender, Jane Eyre, Shame &  X-Men: First Class

Eva Green, Cracks

Christina Hendricks, Drive

Cavill and Cooper did their best to compete but come on. For the second year in a row, in three films as completely different from each other as possible, Fassy came out swinging (his massive penis). The Argentina outfit from X-Men: First Class and his bedclothes during the fire scene in Jane Eyre weren't overtly sexual, yet nearly had me succumbing to the vapors.

Best Cameo/Limited Performance

Jill Clayburgh, Bridesmaids

Tom Hiddelston & Allison Pill, Midnight in Paris

 ☆Jennifer Lawrence, Like Crazy

Corey Stoll, Midnight in Paris

Like Crazy was absolute bollocks, but Jennifer Lawrence made the whole thing bearable whenever she graced the screen (and Anton Yelchin's life) with her presence. The fact that she got dumped for Felicity bloody Jones still makes me LOL, months after watching the film.

Best Poster

Cold Weather

☆Drive

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Shame

The Skin I Live In

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo would probably win this if its promotional campaign to make the lame Swedish version edgy and controversial had been transferred into the actual film. That said, the poster for Drive, with its retro look and flashy neon colors, was easily the most memorable of the year.