Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Random Top 10: My Ideal Action Stars

Over the weekend, I went and saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (more on that soon) and one of the things that the film made apparent was that anyone can be an action star in a boneheaded blockbuster these days. I can understand using Channing since he's big, buff and has the voice of a meathead action star (although I think he's smarter than he appears), but what in the hell were Marlon Wayans and Sienna Miller doing there? When I think of people who belong in big budget action films, my mind doesn't automatically jump to Mr. Scary Movie and the biggest star in Hollywood without a film on her resumé that people have actually seen (seriously, I've been hearing about Ms. Miller for years and I think this was the first movie of hers I've watched). So, of course, this got me thinking about action films (which, as you know, is one of my least favorite genres) and what they would be like with random-ass casting like in G.I. Joe but with more interesting actors. Studio executives, take note: if you want to get even more people into the theater for your latest tentpole picture, take a chance on these actors and I can guarantee you that I will be there opening weekend.

10. Ellen Page I could definitely use a little more sarcasm in my action films.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow This isn't so much for her "acting ability" or "actorly presence" but rather for the fact that I would LOVE to see Gwynie get her ass kicked repeatedly by the bad guys. Take that you uptight, stuck up bitch.

8. Christina Hendricks Imagine all the ass-kicking she could do with that glorious ass alone! Plus, there's a 99.5% chance that a male will be directing this film so he'll, of course, emphasize her glorious ass with the tightest pants ever invented.

7. Robert Pattinson This may be just me and my odd sense of humor, but wouldn't it be funny to see the perennially awkward Pattinson stumble over the traditional leading male "inspirational" speech where he has to rally the troops to overcome the odds and fight the baddies? You know it would involve a lot of stuttering, slurring and a random monologue about a time when he was so heartbroken by a break-up he slept in a dog kennel.

6. Dakota Fanning You just know that she'd turn even the shallowest, most downright ridiculous action film ever invented and approach it as if she's preparing for Schindler's List or something. But that's why we love (making fun of) her.

5. Zac Efron It's not that I wouldn't love to see more Zac on my screen, because I would, but the main reason he's on the list is that the action genre gives him more of an excuse to take a shirt off.

Doesn't the world need more of that?

4. Miley Cyrus This inclusion, I must admit, is a bit of a combination (a "best of both worlds," if you will) of the previous Paltrow and Pattinson mentions. I would love to see her get the shit beat out of her, but I would also be waiting on the edge of my seat for the hilarity that is sure to ensue whenever she had to make some kind of rousing speech. For some reason, my mind keeps on flashing back to her MTV Movie Awards' acceptance speech when she thanked God and went, "Hellooooo" in her usual country bumpkin way.

3. Beyoncé Bitch please, have you seen the Obsessed finale? Imagine a whole movie of that...

At least one thing is for sure: it will never be boring with Beyoncé leading the way.

2. Victoria Beckham I'm guessing a Victoria Beckham-starring action film will mostly consist of glorious high-impact sequences where she just stands around in high heels like in that imaginary Spice Girls action film in Spice World. How kick ass would that be though? An action film where the lead doesn't actually do any action.

1. Rinko Kikuchi Seeing her blow shit up in The Brothers Bloom was practically the highlight of my summer (cinematically speaking, of course) so she's practically a no-brainer for this list. I'd be afraid that, since she's obviously Asian, Hollywood will try to turn her into a martial arts star like Jackie Chan or Zhang Ziyi when she can do so much more than that. She may not say much, but she'll definitely get any point across with her expressive face. And the threat of blowing someone up. How much more badass can you get?


Vance said...

I can't believe you actually saw GIJoe. How was Joseph Gordon-Levitt? the main reason I would actually go (though Channing helps too).

Does Sienna Miller actually act?

Encore Entertainment said...

#7 and # 6 had me cracking up. I so wanna see Dakota Fanning in an action flick now. Beyonce and Victoria B. That I'd love to see.

Imagine an action flick with
-Amy Adams
-Keira Knightley
-Renee Zellweger

That would be...interesting...

Glenn said...

Wasn't Dakota in that Push movie out earlier in the year? And Gwynnie had Iron Man. So they've already done action movies!

Obsessed was amazing btw.

J.D. said...

I love this sooo much.

EE: What was Pirates of the Caribbean then?

Monsieur Cinema said...

I second Vance. I can't believe you willingly went to see it. Though, I will say I am curious about Joseph Gordon-Levitt's involvement. Judging from the grade, though, I'd say it's not worth the mind-numbing experience. My two cents: could you picture Michael Cera in an action role?

Dame James said...

I have two words for everyone who is curious why I sat through G.I. Joe willingly: Channing shirtless. And the film couldn't even deliver on that aspect! But, don't fret, I will address JGL in my upcoming review of it.

Encore: I would love to see Amy Adams in an action flick! She would be so badass.

Glenn: As soon as I hit publish on this post I remembered Push. Oops! I don't really count Gwynnie in Iron Man since she didn't actually do any action stuff. She just kinda stood around acting like she was better than everyone around her. I just want to see her get her ass kicked.

Mr. Cinema: Michael Cera, hm? That would certainly be interesting. My guess is that it would be vaguely similar to Robert Pattinson except the stuttering and mumbling will be more polished.

mB said...

Interesting list and the one that really stands out for me is Ms Hendricks, but then... I prefer her kicking everyone's ass with just a sway of the hip and quick witticism Mad Men style (or Firefly-style).

I'll add my own suggestion though: Kristin Wiig (if you saw Southland Tales you'd know SNLers can kick ass!)

Dame James said...

mB: It's so funny that you mention Kristen Wiig because she was literally my number 11. Cra-zy.

Monsieur Cinema said...

Well, if it's shirtlessness you crave, look no further than The Time Traveller's Wife. Two words: naked Bana. That's all I'm saying.

Adam M. said...

Fantastic list! I actually lol'ed when I scrolled down to see a picture of Victoria Beckham. Can we just get her back in movies, period?

I would like to also suggest Betty White.