Random Top 10: My Ideal Action Stars

Over the weekend, I went and saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (more on that soon) and one of the things that the film made apparent was that anyone can be an action star in a boneheaded blockbuster these days. I can understand using Channing since he's big, buff and has the voice of a meathead action star (although I think he's smarter than he appears), but what in the hell were Marlon Wayans and Sienna Miller doing there? When I think of people who belong in big budget action films, my mind doesn't automatically jump to Mr. Scary Movie and the biggest star in Hollywood without a film on her resumé that people have actually seen (seriously, I've been hearing about Ms. Miller for years and I think this was the first movie of hers I've watched). So, of course, this got me thinking about action films (which, as you know, is one of my least favorite genres) and what they would be like with random-ass casting like in G.I. Joe but with more interesting actors. Studio executives, take note: if you want to get even more people into the theater for your latest tentpole picture, take a chance on these actors and I can guarantee you that I will be there opening weekend.

10. Ellen Page I could definitely use a little more sarcasm in my action films.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow This isn't so much for her "acting ability" or "actorly presence" but rather for the fact that I would LOVE to see Gwynie get her ass kicked repeatedly by the bad guys. Take that you uptight, stuck up bitch.


8. Christina Hendricks Imagine all the ass-kicking she could do with that glorious ass alone! Plus, there's a 99.5% chance that a male will be directing this film so he'll, of course, emphasize her glorious ass with the tightest pants ever invented.

7. Robert Pattinson This may be just me and my odd sense of humor, but wouldn't it be funny to see the perennially awkward Pattinson stumble over the traditional leading male "inspirational" speech where he has to rally the troops to overcome the odds and fight the baddies? You know it would involve a lot of stuttering, slurring and a random monologue about a time when he was so heartbroken by a break-up he slept in a dog kennel.

6. Dakota Fanning You just know that she'd turn even the shallowest, most downright ridiculous action film ever invented and approach it as if she's preparing for Schindler's List or something. But that's why we love (making fun of) her.

5. Zac Efron It's not that I wouldn't love to see more Zac on my screen, because I would, but the main reason he's on the list is that the action genre gives him more of an excuse to take a shirt off.


Doesn't the world need more of that?

4. Miley Cyrus This inclusion, I must admit, is a bit of a combination (a "best of both worlds," if you will) of the previous Paltrow and Pattinson mentions. I would love to see her get the shit beat out of her, but I would also be waiting on the edge of my seat for the hilarity that is sure to ensue whenever she had to make some kind of rousing speech. For some reason, my mind keeps on flashing back to her MTV Movie Awards' acceptance speech when she thanked God and went, "Hellooooo" in her usual country bumpkin way.

3. Beyoncé Bitch please, have you seen the Obsessed finale? Imagine a whole movie of that...

At least one thing is for sure: it will never be boring with Beyoncé leading the way.


2. Victoria Beckham I'm guessing a Victoria Beckham-starring action film will mostly consist of glorious high-impact sequences where she just stands around in high heels like in that imaginary Spice Girls action film in Spice World. How kick ass would that be though? An action film where the lead doesn't actually do any action.


1. Rinko Kikuchi Seeing her blow shit up in The Brothers Bloom was practically the highlight of my summer (cinematically speaking, of course) so she's practically a no-brainer for this list. I'd be afraid that, since she's obviously Asian, Hollywood will try to turn her into a martial arts star like Jackie Chan or Zhang Ziyi when she can do so much more than that. She may not say much, but she'll definitely get any point across with her expressive face. And the threat of blowing someone up. How much more badass can you get?

Smart People?

They should have called this movie Horribly Awful People Whom I Never Want to Get Within a 10 Mile Radius Of, Let Alone Have a Short, Pretentious Conversation With. I must say that I did enjoy Ellen Page, in a major reversal from her Juno character, and the script had the potential to be great. Ugh. C-

2007 Diva Cup Awards: Best Actress

Before I get started, let me just say that this was am incredibly hard choice to make in narrowing this down to 5 nominees. If you think Sophie had a hard choice to make, then you have no idea the mental anguish I went through in my elimination process. I don't understand why people keep saying that all the good female parts are gone because I consistently find Best Actress a hell of a lot more interesting than Best Actor (that could also be the actressexual in me). There were 8 genuinely strong, terrific performances that floated around my Top 5 for awhile and I literally had to toss a coin to decide between number 5 and 6.

And the nominees are...

Marion Cotillard as Edith Piaf in La Vie en Rose
At once, both an outstanding, once-in-a-lifetime performance and an extremely polarizing one which has no doubtedly caused friendships to fail and caused deeply committed actressexuals to divide into heavily debated and vilified camps. For me, Cotillard's performance is one of a true movie star, going for broke with the up and down nature of the role- something Crawford and Davis in the 40's no doubt would have done.
Key Scene: "Marcel! Oh Marcel!"

Jodie Foster as Erica Bain in The Brave One
From my original rant: "[The Brave One] felt less like a vigilante film than one in which all of the security and complicity that Jodie Foster's Erica Bain has known before a brutal attack which killed her fiancee and left her in a coma has suddenly been erased. At first it is fear that replaces the security, but eventually it becomes an unleashing of one hell of a violent streak. She doesn't know where it comes from, but becomes a part of her all too quickly and easily (there is a great voice over that Erica gives while leaving one of the scenes of her crime in which she questions herself as to why she didn't just show them the gun so they would back off instead of shooting them straightaway). As this woman with a mission, Jodie Foster gives a career-best performance."
Key Scene: Discovering the drug smuggler Terrence Howard has been trying to convict for years in the elevator.

Nicole Kidman as Margot in Margot at the Wedding
Kidman's never been known as a "funny" lady (just go see Bewitched and The Stepford Wives for proof), but in Margot at the Wedding the most risk-taking (and possibly finest) actress of this decade finds the bitter and uncomfortable humor in her absolutely awful character.
Key Scene: The speaking engagement at the library

Ellen Page as Juno MacGuff in Juno
Page has the unenviable task of turning Cody's delicious dialogue into something that both sets Juno apart as a character and makes her a real human being. That she pulls it off without so much as breaking a sweat is further proof of the brilliance of this performance.
Key Scene: The abortion clinic

Tang Wei as Wong Chia Chi in Lust, Caution
This is a film debut?! Forgive me if I'm a bit stunned, because in Lust, Caution Wei absolutely shines with a kind of maturity most actresses in their 30's haven't yet achieved. I can't wait to see what she does next.
Key Scene: Easing into her "role" with Mrs. Yee

If Only There Were Six: Julie Christie, Away From Her No, this is not revenge against all the Cotillard-bashers who instead championed Christie. You don't know how much I wanted to include this one. This is, as a matter of fact, the direct result of a coin toss which allowed a certain actress in and Christie out. That doesn't mean I don't like Christie's performance any less- in all of its subtleties, it's one of monumental impact.

Rest of the Top 10: Carice van Houten, Black Book...Amy Adams, Enchanted...Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray...Keira Knightley, Atonement

BRONZE
Jodie Foster, The Brave One

SILVER
Tang Wei, Lust, Caution

GOLD
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose

2007 Diva Cup Awards: Best Quote/Line Reading

And the nominees are...

"How could they forget Vietnam?"
(Julie Christie, Away From Her)
A haunting moment of clarity; if Fiona can see this connection, why are we still over in Iraq?

"I don't know what melodramatic means..."
(James Marsden, Enchanted)
There were so many great line readings from James Marsden in Enchanted that it was hard to narrow it down (I almost went with "Giselle!" or "Thank you for taking care of my bride, peasants."), but then I remembered that this is the one that made me laugh hardest so I went with it.

"I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"
(Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood)
An instantly iconic line that could be seen as out of place, but delivered with so much power by Day-Lewis that it works.

"I love you. Come back...come back to me."
(Keira Knightley, Atonement)
When Nicole Kidman delivered practically the same line in Cold Mountain, it came off as cartoonish, a way to write off the entire mess of a film. But when Keira Knightley says it this time around, the simple words turn into an eloquent cry for love.

"Whoa, dream big!"
(Ellen Page, Juno)
There were many lines to pick from, but Page, with that unique comic timing, makes this inconsequential line pop and sizzle with energy.

If Only There Were Six: "I am very, very sorry for the distress that I have caused" (Romola Garai, Atonement) Briony's been practicing this line over and over again, but still manages to mess up. A brilliant reading from Garai.

Rest of the Top 10: "I think I may be beginning to disappear" (Julie Christie, Away From Her)..."You were never in the fucking KGB" (Naomi Watts, Eastern Promises)..."Well, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock" (Jonah Hill, Superbad)..."'Detroit sound?' What's that- the cries of people being mugged?" (Michelle Pfeiffer, Hairspray)

BRONZE
"I don't know what melodramatic means..."

SILVER
"How could they forget Vietnam?"

GOLD
"I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"

Ellen Page, Oscar Winner?

Is an Oscar win for Ellen Page really that out of the question? Sure, it seems rather unlikely with Christie and Cotillard battling it out, but crazier things have happened. The only reason I mention this potential spoiler is because I had another one of my random dreams. I was watching CNN or something the day after the Oscars and they were doing a recap of the show when all of sudden they show Ellen Page on stage giving an acceptance speech. Crazy, I know. If this actually comes true, I will drop out of school and start a psychic hotline, like Miss Cleo.

What ever happened to this woman? I used to LOVE her back in the day.

Random Top 10: People I Fell in Love With in 2007

I don't know if anyone has noticed, but a few weeks ago I changed my banner from Dame Judi Dench (in honor of her birth) to the present banner of Adam Brody, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Hudson and Channing Tatum. I like to think of these four as the ones I "discovered" in 2006 andwith whom I quickly fell in love with. Well, now that 2007 has ended, it's time for a new batch of people to obsess about for a whole year.

10. Mark Ronson, Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen

Moment I Fell in Love: "Rehab" led me to discover Amy Winehouse, which led me to producer Mark Ronson, which led me to Version, which led me to Ronson's other protege Lily Allen.

9. Ellen Page

Moment I Fell in Love: "No, it's Morgan Freeman" and "WHOA dream big"...no can spin lines into gold the way she does.

8. Ashley Tisdale

Moment I Fell in Love: Her request for exit music...a diva dream of mine just came true

7. Casey Affleck

Moment I Fell in Love: I admit that it's only been 5 days since I saw The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, but, damn, that was one hell of a performance.

6. Paula Deen

Moment I Fell in Love: The episode where she deep fried butter and a bust of her head made out of butter was given to her.

5. Blake Lewis

Moment I Fell in Love: During the Top 24 on American Idol, when he sang Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know"

4. Diablo Cody

Moment I Fell in Love: Months before I saw Juno, I read an article about her in Entertainment Weekly and it was this quote that won me over: "If there's a female protagonist or a romance, they just assume it's up my alley. What, because I have a vagina?"

3. Brittany Snow

Moment I Fell in Love: When I finally saw John Tucker Must Die over the summer and realized that this woman can make anything work (well, not the film, but her performance)

2. Zac Efron

Moment I Fell in Love: "And I'm....Link"...I was practically squealing right along with Tracy and Penny.

1. James Marsden

Moment I Fell in Love: When I first heard him sing "The Nicest Kids in Town" on the Hairspray soundtrack, I knew it was love at first sight. Enchanted only proved that my love for him is never ending.

Rants on "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" and "Juno"

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (Jake Kasdan, 2007): Everything about Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story is just begging for me to love it- a script by Judd Apatow, impressive performances from John C. Reilly and Jenna Fischer and it's parody of musical biopics- but, more often than not, the film ended up bugging me more than amusing me. My main problem was the beginning which, instead of finding a subtler way to mock Walk the Line and Ray, it hits the audience over the head with all the references in a way that makes the later installments of Scary Movie seem sly and clever. I mean, couldn't they have found a better way to kill the "good" son than with a machete? Thankfully, as Dewey Cox becomes famous the film finds its stride with the dead on parodies; the innuendo-laden "Let's Duet," the bad-ass outlaw song "Guilty as Charged," the protest song "Dear Mr. President," and the nonsensical Dylan parody "Royal Jelly" are all highlights. Walk Hard also gets bonus points for the cameos of Jack Black, Justin Long, Paul Rudd and Jason Schwartzman as the Fab Four- that scene was utterly hilarious.

Juno (Jason Reitman, 2007): I'm not going to lie, I was a little worried about the beginning of Jason Reitman's follow-up to last year's Thank You For Smoking, Juno. That phone conversation between Juno (Ellen Page) and Leah (Olivia Thirlby) in which one of them actually utters "Honest to blog?" was a little disconcerting and had me worried about the rest of the film. Fortunately for the film (and Diablo Cody's script) it eases back a little bit and the actors all make it work. Ellen Page is a revelation as the pregnant Juno, her cynicism and quick wit masking a needy girl, and Jennifer Garner finally proved to me what an amazing actress she is- that scene in the mall where she talks to Juno's baby in the womb trying to get it to kick was heartbreaking. And let me just add that Allison Janney totally stole every scene she was in as Juno's take-no-prisoners step-mother (leading Juno to proclaim at one point, "Wow Bren- you's a dick!"

My Ratings:
Walk Hard ***
Juno **** 1/2