The 8 Hotties of Hanukkah: David Beckham

Did you know that David was Jewish? My mind was BLOWN when I found out. Good one, Victoria, for getting hitched to one of God's Chosen People.

It's Pippa, Bitch

Last week, my mother asked me if I was excited about the upcoming Royal Wedding. As I had barely given it a thought since the royal announcement some months before, I replied no and remained in a state of ignorance beyond the occasional headline about the whole affair up through the actual ceremony. I heard Victoria Beckham was attending the ceremony, so, of course, I made a joke that I hoped she would stand up in the middle of the ceremony and object to the wedding or wear white to upstage the bride. While flipping through photos and commentaries on the ceremony, I quickly came to the conclusion that it wasn't Victoria we had to worry about stealing Kate's thunder. All along, it was Kate's younger sister and maid-of-honor Pippa Middleton who was the real star of the wedding. As soon as I saw her in that gorgeous (white!) form-fitting dress, I was in love.

But who was this woman? I immediately took to her but I had no idea what her story was. So, being a so-called "creative type," I crafted my own backstory of Pippa Middleton without so much as hearing the woman speak. Since Kate appears so prim and proper, marrying the boring prince, I like to think that Pippa is the wild Middleton child. She knows how to go out and have a good time, drinking the night away and hooking up with hot guy after hot guy. But she's not a vapid, personality-free sex doll; she has a witty reply for everything and can't seem to stop herself from making an off-color joke at the most inappropriate time. In other words, she's my favorite type of female, the sexually liberated kind with a smart mouth.

"First I have to be the bridesmaid at the biggest wedding of the century and now I'm on daycare duty. Bloody hell, who did I kill in a past life?"

With this image in mind, now comes my favorite ingredient in this wedding story: the best man, Prince Harry. A bit of a wild child himself--keep in mind this is the same man who, years ago, wore a Nazi storm trooper outfit on Halloween to the horror of many people--the mixture of him and Pippa sounded like the ideal combination for a hell of a party. The post-wedding bash was apparently free of hard liquor, aka not my type of wedding at all, but I liked to believe both Harry and Pippa had a flask of something good hidden on them to make it through. And then, after the party died down, I just knew that Harry and Pippa would carry out their duties as maid-of-honor and best man by hooking up for some hot, drunken sex in a deserted part of Buckingham Palace. I mean, look at what a hot piece of ass Pippa is and then look at Harry's current girlfriend. He deserves a hottie like Pippa; he's third in line for the throne, for God's sake!

So, I suppose the point of this blog post was to explain why I've been stanning so hard for the future queen's unwed sister these past few days on my Twitter and Facebook accounts. I suppose you all know by now that I can't help these things, but it's still worth committing to "paper" for posterity's sake. When my brother marries royalty (I'm LOLing at the thought) and I become the new Pippa Middleton, I'll look back at this and remember how I should act at the wedding. Hopefully his bride will have a hot gay man-of-honor I can screw in the palace closet.

Classy bitch. Just like me.

30 Day Film Challenge: Day 08

Day 08: The Film You Can Quote Best

Spice World (Bob Spiers, 1997)

I know a lot of gays would pick Mean Girls, and I'm pretty handy with a Mean Girls quote, but there is no question in my mind--or those of the poor souls who have sat through this movie with me--that I can quote massive chunks of Spice World at the drop of the hat. I'm literally speaking along with the Girls, half of the time not even realizing I'm doing it. I'm sure it's pure torture to anyone who has watched it with me, but I can't help these things. I was a gay child and knowing all the words to Spice World comes with the territory.

Because I'm feeling generous today, here's a special bonus clip from the should-have-been Oscar contender Victoria Beckham in this movie:

Happy Mother's Day From the Spice Girls

Top 100 Songs of the 2000's: #40-21

Previous installments: #100-81 #80-61 #60-41

40. Victoria Beckham 'Let Your Head Go'
2003. From Let Your Head Go/This Groove.

Okay, so I'm not going to accuse Vicky B of being the greatest singer on the planet. What she accomplishes on 'Let Your Head Go,' however, is a prime example of one of my guilty pleasures: the less-than-stellar singer who relies on something else to make a hot track. It may not be 'And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going,' but this song is eternally listenable.




39. Blu Cantrell 'Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)'
2001. From So Blu.

Who didn't jam out to this song at least once back in 2001? Blu's spirited tale of revenge and love gone wrong was one of the big girl power anthems of the decade. After this song, I know that if anyone has the balls to cheat on me, I'm not going to get angry--I'm just going to have a large garage sale.





38. No Doubt 'It's My Life'
2003. From The Singles 1992-2003.

I think this is my favorite No Doubt song, but everytime I think of it, I remember this ridiculous conversation I had with my grandma about the music video. Her idea of a good singer is someone who just stands there and sings so when she saw Gwen Stefani wildly trashing about in the music video, she started complaining about today's entertainers not having any talent and "Back in my day," etc. I defended Gwen, trying to convince my grandma she was just acting (and she was on death row in the video for God's sake!), but she was not having it. Finally, I gave up because if there's one thing you can't do, it's change my grandmother's mind.



37. Missy Elliott 'Get Ur Freak On'
2001. From Miss E...So Addictive.

Missy's standard; if she were to die right now, this is the song everyone would be using to memorialize her.










36. Eminem 'Lose Yourself'
2002. From 8 Mile (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack).

No matter what stupid shit Eminem raps about or how lame his gimmick continues to be, I remind myself that for a brief period of time, he was actually relevant and released a couple of classic tracks. 'Lose Yourself' is, undeniably, one of these tracks.








35. Sugababes 'Freak Like Me'
2002. From Angels With Dirty Faces.

For all intents and purposes, this update of the mid-90's Adina Howard hit shouldn't have worked. Instead of merely singing the original over again, the 'Babes tailored the song to fit their sound and ended up with their sexiest song until 'Push the Button.'







34. The Killers 'Mr. Brightside'
2004. From Hot Fuss.

Pure adrenaline rush. Everytime this song comes on, I just can't help myself and start screaming every word. At the same time, however, it's also one of the saddest songs I've ever encountered.








33. Christina Aguilera 'Fighter'
2003. From Stripped.

Xtina's defiant battle cry against all the haters is yet another example of my adoration for the subgenre I call Pop Songs as Personal Expression. I undervalued this one back in the day, but over the years, it's often the one I think back of first when recalling Christina during her dirrty Xtina days.








32. Duffy 'Warwick Avenue'
2008. From Rockferry.

A deceptively simple song with some of the most beautiful lyrics I've ever heard. Duffy will always have my heart thanks to this song.








31. Rihanna 'Disturbia'
2008. From Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded.

What we originally thought was a creepy pop song from our newest pop princess has become a precursor to the scarily dark and hardened Rated R. Still, without a doubt, the best single she has ever released (that is, unless she releases 'Fire Bomb').







30. Fergie featuring will.i.am 'Fergalicious'
2006. From The Duchess.

She's not Bob Dylan, so you can suck it if you object to her on the grounds that she doesn't make "real" music. I love the ingenious of this song and I don't care if you find me completely shallow. Can you think of any other singer around with the audacity and gusto to pull off a line like "I be up at the gym, just workin' on my fitness/He's my witness"?






29. The Corrs 'Breathless'
2000. From In Blue.

I find, in general, that The Corrs are pretty lame as far as musicians go. In 2000, however, they struck gold (with me, anyways) with the eternally catchy and forever endearing 'Breathless.' I remember how I used to annoy one of my friends in seventh grade by singing this song obnoxiously. Ah, good times.







28. Groove Armada featuring Mutya Buena 'Song 4 Mutya (Out of Control)'
2007. From Soundboy Rock.

For whatever reason, 'Song 4 Mutya' reminds me of the first day of spring when you can finally take a drive with the windows rolled down. Besides, how awesome it that the song incorporates the singer's name into the narrative? You don't get that much outside of a Fergie song (see: 'Fergalicious' at #30).






27. Kanye West featuring Syleena Johnson 'All Falls Down'
2004. From The College Dropout.

It wasn't until a couple of years after 'All Falls Down''s initial run on the charts that I actually took the time to listen to the lyrics and what they were truly about. Well, color me surprised that Kanye, unlike so many other useless rappers around, was pulling off a social critique of excessive consumer spending, people living beyond their means and insecurity. Say what you want about his personality, Kanye is a rapper who actually has something to say; we need more of that around, don't you think?





26. Britney Spears 'Toxic'
2003. From In the Zone.

A Britney song that even non-Britney fans can enjoy without feeling too guilty.










25. Miley Cyrus 'See You Again'
2008. From Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus.

I wanted to resist. Lord knows I tried. But after listening to it 25 times in a row during a trip to the mall sophomore year of college--in a moment of my life straight out a teen movie montage--I fell head over heals in love with Miley and her best friend Leslie. Love or hate everything else Miley does and stands for (Lord knows I'm super critical), 'See You Again' is undeniably an unapologetically pop gem.





24. Madonna 'Don't Tell Me'
2001. From Music.

I swear on my life the video for 'Don't Tell Me' turned me gay.










23. Stacie Orrico '(There's Gotta Be) More To Life'
2003. From Stacie Orrico.

I realize that this is hardly the most sophisticated song ever written, but my 15 year old self connected deeply with Ms. Orrico's ode to searching and hoping for something more in life. If I was on American Idol and tried to manipulate the audience with a sappy story, this is the song that would be playing in the background.







22. Pussycat Dolls 'Buttons'
2006. From PCD.

I credit my re-emergence into mainstream pop music with this song. No matter what I did during the summer of 2006, I could not avoid 'Buttons.' I wanted to hate it at first, but eventually the Dolls wore me down and the song became too damn catchy to hate. When I left for college in September, I started getting hooked again to pure pop music; without 'Buttons' there to prove how great it can be when done right, Lord knows what I'd be listening to now.





21. Outkast 'Ms. Jackson'
2001. From Stankonia.

How on Earth can you not fall in love with a hook like "I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson. Woooo!"? In a decade full of groundbreaking and genre-crossing hip-hop from the duo, 'Ms. Jackson' is a true highlight of their genius.

Random Top 10: My Ideal Action Stars

Over the weekend, I went and saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (more on that soon) and one of the things that the film made apparent was that anyone can be an action star in a boneheaded blockbuster these days. I can understand using Channing since he's big, buff and has the voice of a meathead action star (although I think he's smarter than he appears), but what in the hell were Marlon Wayans and Sienna Miller doing there? When I think of people who belong in big budget action films, my mind doesn't automatically jump to Mr. Scary Movie and the biggest star in Hollywood without a film on her resumé that people have actually seen (seriously, I've been hearing about Ms. Miller for years and I think this was the first movie of hers I've watched). So, of course, this got me thinking about action films (which, as you know, is one of my least favorite genres) and what they would be like with random-ass casting like in G.I. Joe but with more interesting actors. Studio executives, take note: if you want to get even more people into the theater for your latest tentpole picture, take a chance on these actors and I can guarantee you that I will be there opening weekend.

10. Ellen Page I could definitely use a little more sarcasm in my action films.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow This isn't so much for her "acting ability" or "actorly presence" but rather for the fact that I would LOVE to see Gwynie get her ass kicked repeatedly by the bad guys. Take that you uptight, stuck up bitch.


8. Christina Hendricks Imagine all the ass-kicking she could do with that glorious ass alone! Plus, there's a 99.5% chance that a male will be directing this film so he'll, of course, emphasize her glorious ass with the tightest pants ever invented.

7. Robert Pattinson This may be just me and my odd sense of humor, but wouldn't it be funny to see the perennially awkward Pattinson stumble over the traditional leading male "inspirational" speech where he has to rally the troops to overcome the odds and fight the baddies? You know it would involve a lot of stuttering, slurring and a random monologue about a time when he was so heartbroken by a break-up he slept in a dog kennel.

6. Dakota Fanning You just know that she'd turn even the shallowest, most downright ridiculous action film ever invented and approach it as if she's preparing for Schindler's List or something. But that's why we love (making fun of) her.

5. Zac Efron It's not that I wouldn't love to see more Zac on my screen, because I would, but the main reason he's on the list is that the action genre gives him more of an excuse to take a shirt off.


Doesn't the world need more of that?

4. Miley Cyrus This inclusion, I must admit, is a bit of a combination (a "best of both worlds," if you will) of the previous Paltrow and Pattinson mentions. I would love to see her get the shit beat out of her, but I would also be waiting on the edge of my seat for the hilarity that is sure to ensue whenever she had to make some kind of rousing speech. For some reason, my mind keeps on flashing back to her MTV Movie Awards' acceptance speech when she thanked God and went, "Hellooooo" in her usual country bumpkin way.

3. Beyoncé Bitch please, have you seen the Obsessed finale? Imagine a whole movie of that...

At least one thing is for sure: it will never be boring with Beyoncé leading the way.


2. Victoria Beckham I'm guessing a Victoria Beckham-starring action film will mostly consist of glorious high-impact sequences where she just stands around in high heels like in that imaginary Spice Girls action film in Spice World. How kick ass would that be though? An action film where the lead doesn't actually do any action.


1. Rinko Kikuchi Seeing her blow shit up in The Brothers Bloom was practically the highlight of my summer (cinematically speaking, of course) so she's practically a no-brainer for this list. I'd be afraid that, since she's obviously Asian, Hollywood will try to turn her into a martial arts star like Jackie Chan or Zhang Ziyi when she can do so much more than that. She may not say much, but she'll definitely get any point across with her expressive face. And the threat of blowing someone up. How much more badass can you get?

My Two-Cents on Paula Abdul's Departure from Idol

In case you've been living under a rock the past couple of days (or, you know, you have a life that doesn't revolve around pop culture), Paula Abdul has decided to leave her position as a judge on the highest rated show on television, American Idol. Now, I've talked about this before, but Paula and her music have been a huge part of my life--her 'Straight Up' was the first song I ever LOVED--so I was heartbroken when I heard this news the other night. Love her or hate her, the show just won't be the same without her. Her bubbly, fun loving demeanor and inarticulate criticisms were often the only thing to make the show interesting on contestants' off nights. You never knew what she was going to do next and that was the joy in watching her.

It was because of this unpredictability that Paula has become to many a media mockery, a "trainwreck" waiting to happen. But there's more to her than the fool the media has branded her. Behind her slurred speech and crazy gesticulations, there's an intelligent, caring human being underneath. If you look past all the distractions and Simon's irritating "Huh?" anytime she tried to make a good point or go against the panel, she knows exactly what she's talking about when giving advice to these superstars-in-training. No one, besides maybe Britney, has been fucked in the ass more by the industry than Paula Abdul. People forget that when they make fun of her. She's gone through more shit than any of us care to imagine.

With Paula gone, I'm afraid the chemistry at the judges table will forever be slightly off. Who will be the lone voice of reason and kindness amid Randy's "dawg"'s, Kara retarded ramblings and Simon's sarcasm (even if he's been getting lazier and lazier)? They're already trying to replace her with guest judges Katy Perry (ew) and my beloved Victoria Beckham, but neither of them are Paula or will even come close to replacing her.

10 Favorite Movie Characters

A couple of days ago, I whined and manipulated until I got was graciously given a tag to do the Top 10 Favorite Movie Characters meme that's been burning up the interweb of late. The resulting list wasn't as hard to come up with as I originally feared but, to be honest, all I did was go through my DVD collection and just picked 25 characters that jumped out at me and narrowed it down from there. Not much agonizing over here. What I was most fascinated about by my final list was how it was a fairly nice round-up of my two favorite characters: the larger-than-life female and the damaged boy. Hmm....

Let's get started with this before we analyze that to death.

Apologies to the Runners-Up (in no particular order for a solid 25): The Tramp (City Lights), William Canfield, Jr. (Steamboat Bill, Jr.), Lina Lamont (Singin' in the Rain), Effie White (Dreamgirls), Maggie "The Cat" (Cat on a Hot Tin Roof), Erin Brockovich (Erin Brockovich), Go-Go (Kill Bill Volume 1), Sharpay Evans (High School Musical 2), Miriam Aarons (The Women), Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde), Norman Bates (Psycho), Mr. Aoki (Shall We Dansu?), Grandma with Crazy Pink Hair (Castle in the Sky), Regina George (Mean Girls)

Susan Vance in Bringing Up Baby
Quite possibly the greatest concoction ever to emerge from a screwball comedy. And you have to admire the lengths she goes to get the man she loves; that's what I call dedication.

Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind
She's a survivor, yo. I really wish I had her determination and drive to get everything she wants out of life, even if she has to lie, steal, cheat or kill to get it.

Margo Channing in All About Eve
This is going to be me in 20 years: the grand, aging diva always ready for every party with a martini in one hand and an arsenal of bitchy one-liners for unsuspecting guests.

Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard
She is big, and that's the way I love her.

Antoine Doinel in Stolen Kisses
Most people would pick Antoine Doinel in his teenage years in The 400 Blows, but I like to imagine my Antoine as the happy-go-lucky young adult in Stolen Kisses. It probably doesn't hurt that his character in this film is roughly the same age I am now and can relate to him on a whole new level than before.

Barbara Jean in Nashville
One of the saddest characters I have ever seen in any film. After all of her scenes, I just feel so bad for her I find it hard to concentrate on any other character with the same amount of attention.

Conrad Jarret in Ordinary People
Every time I watch this movie, and it's probably more often than any sane person needs to, I just want to reach out and comfort this poor guy.

Posh Spice in Spice World
Not only do her line readings ring with hilarity, but this character is quite obviously the starting off point for the "Victoria Beckham" character we all love so dearly (or at least I do).

Velma Kelly in Chicago
Fierce, monstrously talented and, in fact, can do it alone- what's not to love?

Robert Ford in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Strangely relatable and, yet again, another character I feel infinitely sad for everytime they appear on screen and feel this uncontrollable urge to just give them a hug.

Three Reasons God Loves Me on This Glorious Day

Reason #1: Britney Spears' video for "Womanizer," her first single off her upcoming CD Circus, debuted this morning....and it is hot! I wasn't a fan of the song at first, but after watching it repeatedly, the song is growing on me at an alarming rate. The video is top-notch and has everything we were missing from the Blackout videos: there is great choreography, sexiness overflowing from every shot and has a sleek, modern style. Britney's back (again), bitch, and all the haters need to get used to it!

• Britney Spears
• New Music

Reason #2: According to The Superficial, Zac Efron wants to take on the part in Equus that Daniel Radcliffe is currently playing on Broadway (you know, the one where Harry Potter shows his junk). If by the grace of Oprah this ever happens, rest assured that I will be dropping everything, buying a ticket to New York and do anything it takes to get a ticket to see Zac Efron's penis. Just for a little while, I'm not going to give a shit about "artistic merit" or whether or not he can "act"; I just want to see Zac naked and will go repeatedly if necessary.

Reason #3: The Brothers Jonas think Victoria Beckham is the perfect representation of a earth woman. Wait a minute...the Brothers Jonas have excellent taste? When did this happen? Didn't one of them date Miley Cyrus?

My Best Post Blog-a-thon: What the Christ do Victoria Beckham, The Brothers Jonas and Jean-Pierre Léaud Have in Common?

He Shot Cyrus is hosting the My Best Post Blog-a-thon in which bloggers are invited to share their best or favorite post to entice other readers who may be unfamiliar with their blogs. It's an ingenious idea and when I was invited, I immediately accepted. Being indecisive, however, I had a real problem deciding what was my "best" post. I narrowed it down to three and I'm afraid that's as low as I can go. I feel that these best represent my abilities as a writer and what I try to do with Rants of a Diva: slightly serious but always silly and sarcastic. So, in no particular order, here are my three favorite posts:

Rants on Stolen Kisses
Unlike most of America, I've never succumbed to sequelitis...that is, until Francois Truffaut's sequel to The 400 Blows.

Random Top 10: Victoria Beckham Quotes from Spice World
I'm one of the few who still love Spice World and this is a silly look at one of the most underrated performances of the 90's.

Rants on Camp Rock
I love ripping a new one on terrible movies and Camp Rock is one of the worst of the year.

Don't You Wish You Were as Fierce as These Two?

Via Just Jared

My Emmy Winners

Best Performance in a TV Special:

Victoria Beckham, Victoria Beckham: Coming to America

Best Supporting Actress in a Mini-Series or Made-for-TV Movie:

Ashley Tisdale, High School Musical 2

Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Made-for-TV Movie:

Dame Judi Dench, Cranford


Best Reality Show (Non-Competition):

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

Best Reality Show (Competition):

Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School

Best Guest Star (Actor or Actress):

Britney Spears, How I Met Your Mother
(And, unfortunately, she'll have to settle for my award since the Emmy's have snubbed her from the Top 10 Finalists list. Those fucktards.)

Best Supporting Actor (Drama):

Ed Westwick, Gossip Girl

Best Supporting Actor (Comedy):

Chi McBride, Pushing Daisies

Best Supporting Actress (Drama):

Rose Byrne, Damages

Best Supporting Actress (Comedy):

Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty

Best Actor (Drama):

Hugh Laurie, House

Best Actor (Comedy):

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Best Actress (Drama):

Glenn Close, Damages

Best Actress (Comedy):

Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives

Best Drama:

Gossip Girl

Best Comedy:

30 Rock