Random Top 10: My Ideal Action Stars

Over the weekend, I went and saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (more on that soon) and one of the things that the film made apparent was that anyone can be an action star in a boneheaded blockbuster these days. I can understand using Channing since he's big, buff and has the voice of a meathead action star (although I think he's smarter than he appears), but what in the hell were Marlon Wayans and Sienna Miller doing there? When I think of people who belong in big budget action films, my mind doesn't automatically jump to Mr. Scary Movie and the biggest star in Hollywood without a film on her resumé that people have actually seen (seriously, I've been hearing about Ms. Miller for years and I think this was the first movie of hers I've watched). So, of course, this got me thinking about action films (which, as you know, is one of my least favorite genres) and what they would be like with random-ass casting like in G.I. Joe but with more interesting actors. Studio executives, take note: if you want to get even more people into the theater for your latest tentpole picture, take a chance on these actors and I can guarantee you that I will be there opening weekend.

10. Ellen Page I could definitely use a little more sarcasm in my action films.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow This isn't so much for her "acting ability" or "actorly presence" but rather for the fact that I would LOVE to see Gwynie get her ass kicked repeatedly by the bad guys. Take that you uptight, stuck up bitch.


8. Christina Hendricks Imagine all the ass-kicking she could do with that glorious ass alone! Plus, there's a 99.5% chance that a male will be directing this film so he'll, of course, emphasize her glorious ass with the tightest pants ever invented.

7. Robert Pattinson This may be just me and my odd sense of humor, but wouldn't it be funny to see the perennially awkward Pattinson stumble over the traditional leading male "inspirational" speech where he has to rally the troops to overcome the odds and fight the baddies? You know it would involve a lot of stuttering, slurring and a random monologue about a time when he was so heartbroken by a break-up he slept in a dog kennel.

6. Dakota Fanning You just know that she'd turn even the shallowest, most downright ridiculous action film ever invented and approach it as if she's preparing for Schindler's List or something. But that's why we love (making fun of) her.

5. Zac Efron It's not that I wouldn't love to see more Zac on my screen, because I would, but the main reason he's on the list is that the action genre gives him more of an excuse to take a shirt off.


Doesn't the world need more of that?

4. Miley Cyrus This inclusion, I must admit, is a bit of a combination (a "best of both worlds," if you will) of the previous Paltrow and Pattinson mentions. I would love to see her get the shit beat out of her, but I would also be waiting on the edge of my seat for the hilarity that is sure to ensue whenever she had to make some kind of rousing speech. For some reason, my mind keeps on flashing back to her MTV Movie Awards' acceptance speech when she thanked God and went, "Hellooooo" in her usual country bumpkin way.

3. Beyoncé Bitch please, have you seen the Obsessed finale? Imagine a whole movie of that...

At least one thing is for sure: it will never be boring with Beyoncé leading the way.


2. Victoria Beckham I'm guessing a Victoria Beckham-starring action film will mostly consist of glorious high-impact sequences where she just stands around in high heels like in that imaginary Spice Girls action film in Spice World. How kick ass would that be though? An action film where the lead doesn't actually do any action.


1. Rinko Kikuchi Seeing her blow shit up in The Brothers Bloom was practically the highlight of my summer (cinematically speaking, of course) so she's practically a no-brainer for this list. I'd be afraid that, since she's obviously Asian, Hollywood will try to turn her into a martial arts star like Jackie Chan or Zhang Ziyi when she can do so much more than that. She may not say much, but she'll definitely get any point across with her expressive face. And the threat of blowing someone up. How much more badass can you get?

Imaginary Boyfriends (and Girlfriends) of 2008

Last year, I listed 10 or so people I fell in love with throughout 2007 and instead of doing the same thing again, I decided to change it up a bit for 2008. For this year's list, I choose a number of people whom I like to think of as my imaginary boyfriends (and even some girlfriends)- in other words, the hottest and most beautiful men and women of 2008. And, in case you're particularly attentive, the men from this list are ineligible since I've already proclaimed my love for them (repeatedly, in many instances) and I wanted to show off some new blood.

Sam Sparro
No one looked quite as dapper as Sam Sparro did in his top hat and tails in his "Black & Gold" music video. Even when he dresses up in something as outrageous as this, he's still a hottie in my books. Oh, how I wish he could find success in America so everyone could love him as much as I do.

Gaspard Ulliel, Louis Garrel & Grégoire Leprince-Ringuet
The French trio of Gaspard, Louis and Grégoire made quite the impression on me in 2008. This photoshoot made my jaw drop and I've been a Gaspard fan ever since. I saw Louis in The Dreamers a couple of years ago, but it wasn't until the one-two punch of Ma Mère and Les Chansons d'Amour that I realized just how sexy he was. People kept talking about Robert Pattinson's hair all throughout 2008, but he has nothing on Louis and his locks which practically has me screaming, "Dirty Frenchboy, come have sex with me." And what can I say about cute, little Grégoire? He was so adorable as Garrel's charming, albeit a little stalkerish, boyfriend/rebound guy/whatever in Les Chansons d'Amour.

Jamie Bell
I know, what took me so long? I'm still going through his filmography, but I finally saw Billy Elliot and his performance completely floored me. Besides, just look at what that cute preteen grew up to become.

Jesse McCartney
I'm not sure when it happened, but sometime over 2008 Jesse McCartney went from a blonde, mop-topped, girl-ish looking, 14 year old to a Justin Timberlake-wannabe, sex machine. All I can say is that I'm grateful it happened.

Nick Jonas
It may be a felony, but I'm not ashamed...Nick is a total hottie.

Cam Gigandet
One viewing of the mediocre Never Back Down was all it took and now I'm obsessed. I remember him as Volchock on The O.C. but, for some odd reason, he's so much hotter now.

Steve Sandvoss
Latter Days was no masterpiece, but Sandvoss' performance in it was one for the ages. It would have been easy for him to have simply shrugged off the whole Mormon aspect of the role and instead focused on being a hot boy who happens to be a Mormon. Luckily, Sandvoss is smarter than that and crafted a character that, no matter your religious preference, you can totally sympathize with.

Mitch Reinholt
As the perfectly adorable jock who expands his horizons by dating the quirky and artistic Hannah in the documentary American Teen, Mitch Reinholt quickly stole my heart. I didn't even care that he ended their relationship in the douchiest way possible, he still seems like a good guy

Nicholas Hoult
This one came out of nowhere, considering I had never seen an episode of Skins or his performance in About a Boy, but after looking around photographer Kai Z. Feng's website (more on that here) it was an instant attraction. Now that I've seen the first episode of Skins, I feel confident that this attraction will blossom into something more once I see season 1.

Penn Badgley
I've been in love with Penn ever since the first episode of Gossip Girl. True fact. He only gets hotter in my eyes as time goes on. Now, all we need is for the Gossip Girl writers to give him something interesting to do this season and we'll be all set.

Christina Hendricks
That ass! Those curves! Goddamn, this is a REAL woman!

Penélope Cruz
Whenever I was at work and straightening up the makeup aisle, I always had to stop for a second and admire the lovely Penélope Cruz ad for L'Oreal. She is a breathtaking beauty; whatever she does, she always looks flawless. It's totally not fair. Add to that the fact that she has a gorgeous boyfriend and she gets more interesting as an actress with every performance and she becomes even more enviable.

"There Once Was a Girl Named Regina..."

This clip was from Saturday Night Live two weeks ago when Jon Hamm hosted and, for God knows what reason, it wasn't posted anywhere online until a couple of days ago. It's quite a head scratcher since I thought it was the funniest sketch of the night. Who knew that Jon Hamm could do such an uncanny James Mason impression? That's not exactly in everyone's repetoire. And Kristen Wiig's Gloria Swanson/Norma Desmond was genius ("I'm a pirate, AARRRRGH.") even if the accent sounded a bit like Katharine Hepburn.

In other Jon Hamm related news, The Ausiello Files is reporting that he is in final negotiations join the cast of 30 Rock for a multi-episode storyline as Tina Fey's love interest. Hell to the yes! This news is so epic it makes Lawrence of Arabia look tiny. I only have one request: can Christina Hendricks get a part, too?

The Best Thing About Mad Men Season One So Far...

Seriously, Joan Holloway (played by Christina Hendricks) is the coolest person ever. Not only does she wears those tight dresses that show off her ass immaculately, but she also bosses Peggy around in a sneaky, "I'm not really a bitch" kind of way that is still really bitchy and she's sleeping with the freaking boss! How much better can she get?

I'm slowly working my way through season 1 of Mad Men and I'm loving every minute of it. The show is surprisingly addictive and incredibly well done production wise. The way it is shot often feels more like a movie than any TV show I've ever seen. I also love how, just like Damages, nearly every episode changes our opinion of each character. I've gone from wanting to punch Pete in the face, to liking him when he starts enjoying married life, to feeling bad for him when he has to take a loan from his in-laws for his new apartment and now, 10 episodes in, I'm back to hating him for treating Peggy so poorly. I only have a few more episodes left and then I can start watching the new season!