Hammer My Hoover

Poor Armie Hammer. The man has the body of a Greek god and was poised to be the breakout heartthrob from this year's The Social Network. Unfortunately, he had the bad luck to be cast alongside the one, the only Andy Garfield (aka The Sexhair) and, honestly, who could remember anything about Armie (both of him!) after sighing "Oh Andy!" for the millionth time? I know I couldn't. And it's not as if the boy doesn't deserve at least some of the adulation Andy received; he's an incredibly good looking dude. He was just really, really unlucky.

Until now, that is. Rumor is, Armie has gotten himself cast in the upcoming J. Edgar Hoover biopic, once known as Hoover but now going by the title J. Edgar (I guess they didn't want people to confuse it with the vacuum). This is big news for Mr. Hammer, as the film is set to be directed by Academy Award-winner Clint Eastwood, written by Academy Award-winner Dustin Lance Black and starring Academy Award-nominee Leonardo DiCaprio. Not exactly Grown Ups, is it? When I first heard about this project, I was not exactly foaming at the mouth for it. Not only is Eastwood not usually my cup of tea, the film also focuses on the alleged homosexual relationship between DiCaprio's Hoover and his second-in-command Clyde Tolson. The original rumor circulating was that Joaquin Phoenix was all set to play Tolson and I was all set to vomit in my mouth. Listen, DiCaprio and Phoenix are fine actors in the right situations, and are even kinda sexy in a certain mood, but I definitely don't need to see those two frumpy dudes making out. Not that I have any faith that Eastwood is going to focus any more than the bare minimum on their sexual relationship, mind you. Call me shallow, but I like my men making out with each other to be attractive. Is that too much to ask? I should hope not. By adding Armie into the mix, it makes the hotness of this couple increase tenfold. It's the price you must pay to get on the A-List, darling.