Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Top 10 Worst Songs of 2010

The time has come to start honoring the highlights of 2010. Let's begin by getting the worst songs of 2010 out of the way. Last year, I complained ad nauseum about the unholy horrors unleashed upon us known as 'Boom Boom Pow,' 'The Climb' and 'Fireflies,' but I feel like 2010 offered up even worse dreck that I was forced to hear repeatedly on the radio every goddamn day like clockwork. Please, let's get this shit over with so I can put these songs behind me and hope that 2011 offers less horrific music.

Dishonorable Mentions:
Eminem teamed up with Rihanna on a song about an abusive relationship--something they both know a little bit about--and dragged her down to his level of shitty musicianship. If you think 'Love the Way You Lie' gets to the heart of abusive relationships, you seriously need to listen to Rated R a few more times...Usher's 'OMG' was yet another creation that sounded like it took thirty seconds to put together. Why do we keep acting like Usher is the great artist when he keeps releasing lazy garbage like this?

10. Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg 'California Gurls'
There's no denying that 'California Gurls' is catchy as hell--I know I found myself singing it more than once while at work this summer--but the song is as plastic as a lot of people accuse pop music of being. 'California Gurls' is a lazy, soulless piece of music designed solely to be the Summer Anthem of 2010. Katy & company succeeded in that respect but completely failed in nearly every other area.

09. Mike Posner 'Cooler Than Me'
A whiny, mopey loser writes a song whining about all the people in high school who "probably" think they were cooler than him. Grow up and get a real problem, Mike.

08. B.o.B. featuring Bruno Mars 'Nothin' On You'
The first entry for both B.o.B. and Bruno, who both memorably contributed to this year's parade of shitty music. 'Nothin' On You' would probably be an okay song if you heard it once while drunk at the bar, but after hearing it over and over and over and over again, sober, it's clearly just a shitty song. B.o.B. is clearly the least interesting rapper in "the game."

07. Olly Murs 'Thinking of Me'
Just think: Olly has managed to get two equally shitty songs in the UK Top 5 while Joe McElderry, the winner of his season of X-Factor and an all-around more interesting entertainer, can't catch a fucking break. If you have no idea who Olly Murs is, first of all, thank your lucky stars. Secondly, think John Mayer but with even less personality and absolutely no musicianship. Add in the most trite lyrics ever committed to music by a "dude with a guitar" and you have 'Thinking of Me.'

06. B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams 'Airplanes'
Every time I see an airplane in the night sky, I pretend it's a shooting star and wish that B.o.B. and this disgustingly stupidly obvious song would go back into the hole they crawled out of and die. This song is only deep if the most complicated movie you've ever seen in your life is The Dark Knight.

05. Various Celebrities Trying to Cash In on the Haiti Tragedy 'We Are the World 25 for Haiti'/'Everybody Hurts'
Haven't the Haitians suffered enough? I think they would rather endure another earthquake than be forced to have to listen to either of these turds again.

04. Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars 'Billionaire'
Just like 'Airplanes,' this is another song "about" "something" that is just as superficial as something like 'California Gurls.' So, if Travie McCoy was a billionaire, he'd help needy people who have a shitty life. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL AND CLEVER. Why fucking waste my time with this song when you're just going to make up shit. Come on, we all know what Bruno Mars would spend a billion dollars on and it's not kids...

03. Kiely Williams 'Spectacular'
Williams, of Disney's Cheetah Girls fame, tries to shed her good girl image in the worst way imaginable. I definitely do not have a problem with women singing about one night stands and embracing their sexuality. If you're going to do it, however, please be either clever about it (Miley's 'Can't Be Tamed') or just go balls out (Lil' Kim's 'How Many Licks?'); 'Spectacular' falls in neither of these categories. Kiely comes off as nothing but a trashy, disgusting ho, especially when she fucking brags about forgetting to wear a condom. I hate to sound like an uptight soccer mom, but that's just irresponsible.

02. Black Eyed Peas 'The Time (Dirty Bit)'
The Black Eyed Peas used to make music. 'Don't Lie,' 'Hey Mama' and 'My Humps' were jams back in the day. But somewhere after they took a break while Fergie went and did her solo thing (and remember how delightful that all was!), the Black Eyed Peas decided to completely sell out and just speak random words over the most horrible sounding beats imaginable. That was how 'Boom Boom Pow' came into existence. But now the Peas have reached an all time low in terms of laziness: now they're just ripping off 80's classics instead of writing their own hooks. 'The Time' shits all over the Dirty Dancing classic 'I've Had the Time of My Life' and then surrounds it with the most nonsensical, obnoxious, unmusical heap of garbage that's supposed to pass for a tune that I've heard in ages. I didn't think the Black Eyed Peas could surpass 'Boom Boom Pow' in terms of tuneless, aimless drivel, but 'The Time,' if nothing else, proves that anything is still possible when it comes to this hacky group.

01. Yolanda Be Cool vs. DCUP 'We No Speak Americano'
When I saw a couple months ago that this song, a recent #1 hit in the UK, was threatening to make a presence on the US charts, I freaked the fuck out. I can kinda, sorta understand someone buying the Black Eyed Peas since people will always buy easily accessible and ungodly awful music by big artists, but who the fuck ever thought that buying this song was a good idea? This song is so pointless and just plain ugly, it makes it look like 'The Time' was written with the purpose of making good music. Thankfully, America was spared from this song, but my ears are still recovering from this atrocity.


Sam Brooks said...

Agreedagreedagreed. Especially on the last two. I don't get why ruining Dirty Dancing is... just, no.

Special mention for Katy Perry's vocal on Firework, which ruins what is actually a pretty decent, uplifting song.

Ed Howard said...

I can't tell you how hilarious it is to hear that the Black Eyed Peas have sold out, as though they ever had an ounce of creative credibility or talent in the first place, as if they ever made a song that wasn't just a soulless, lazy mess.

Agreed about "Billionaire," though, man that's a terrible tune. Agreed about all these really, although that Eminem song was, like everything I've ever heard from him, not bad the first few times I heard it, and then quickly got old.

Vance said...

How does Mike Posner have a career? And the BEP song is just pure wrong.

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