Imaginary Boyfriends of 2010

Darren Criss

He managed to make Glee watchable for roughly five minutes with his renditions of 'Teenage Dream' and the originally dire 'Hey Soul Sister.' For that alone, he makes what the original Miracle Worker Anne Sullivan did look like child's play. And he was surprisingly sexy and sultry on 'Baby It's Cold Outside,' his duet with Chris Colfer; Lord knows I wouldn't have refused if he asked me to stay the night.

Ed Drewett

He's a hot Aryan ready and willing to save electropop from the clutches of evil doers who want to see it destroyed. You really can't ask for much more than that, can you?

Michael Fassbender

Literally one week into 2010, I witnessed what is perhaps the most indelible image of the year in Fish Tank: Michael Fassbender, shirtless and with pants barely covering his ass, first appears in the life of the film's protagonist. The rest of the film is pure Fassbender Porn as director Andrea Arnold subsequently makes both Katie Jarvis and the audience slowly fall in pure lust with the man. I thought he was particularly charming in last year's Inglourious Basterds, but 2010 was the year when I wanted Michael Fassbender to put me over his knee and spank me as he does to Katie Jarvis at one point in Fish Tank.

Tom Ford and his muse Nicholas Hoult

While Fish Tank was Fassbender Porn, Tom Ford's directorial debut A Single Man was Nicholas Hoult Porn. I didn't get to see it until early in this year but it was so worth the wait. Ford is clearly in love with Nicholas Hoult's face and spends a good amount of time filling the frame with his wonderful mug. And don't even get me started about That Scene! Nick and Tom clearly know what we all want and aren't afraid to give it to us. While Nick was showing the goods on-screen, Tom brings them every time he makes a public appearance. The man is approaching 50 and is as fuckable as ever. Together, this fabulous duo made 2010 that much sexier.

Andrew Garfield

"Oh Andy!" became a popular expression around my Twitter account in the weeks leading into the release of The Social Network and I haven't stopped using it since. There's simply so much to love about this adorable Brit--his talent, his good looks, his awkwardness, his goofiness--and 2010 offered a smorgasbord of Andy delights. The year started with Red Riding: 1974, a British crime drama which featured Andy as a hulking sex god who...I don't know, solves a crime or something? I honestly remember very little of the actual film besides him sexing Rebecca Hall and his glorious Louis Garrel-esque Sex Hair. Next came Never Let Me Go, which was good but felt like a little bit of a retread of his Boy A work. Finally, we have The Social Network, which is hopefully going to snag him an Oscar nomination come January. He does excellent work in the film, bouncing off Eisenberg's introverted asshole savant with his usual subtlety and nuance. Coming up next: the new Spider Man film which, for once, I'm actually excited about like your average fanboy. But I'm sure it's for far different reasons.

Tom Hardy

After Marion Cotillard, the one thing in Inception that left the most vivid impression on me was the hulking, but equally charismatic, Tom Hardy. He clearly wasn't taking the whole premise seriously and managed to inject some fun into the proceedings, mostly through the sexual tension between him and the uptight Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Towards the end of the year, the internet was flooded with on the set images of Hardy on his new film with Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine called This Means War where he and Pine play best friends who fight over Witherspoon. Any movie where those two go at it is one that is instantly going to the top of my Most Anticipated Movies list.

Francisco Lachowski

Francisco, or Chico as he is affectionately known around the interweb, is one of the most versatile male models on the planet. This Brazilian can do it all: goofy, sensual, sexy, dramatic, intense. And, often, he's able to portray two or three of those at the same time. Chico has a great gift and I hope he continues giving in the next year.

Joe McElderry

I've already gone on at length about why I love La Joe, as we cool kids on Twitter have come to call him, but I still need to mention him on this list. He sings, he dances, he wears leather jackets, he's not interested in Adam Lambert AND he makes me giggle when he falls down. La Joe is clearly a perfect man.

Simon Nessman

This curly-haired Canadian model seems like such a regular, down home guy, especially compared to sexy aloofness that Chico Lachowski and River Viiperi often project. Both types of models are necessary to the modeling world, but Nessman is quite obviously the best at what he does.

Xavier Samuel

I've been in love with Xavier for awhile, but 2010 was the year he made his American breakthrough in the latest installment of the Twilight series. He was so beautiful and so sexy in the film I both forgot about Taylor Lautner momentarily and briefly understood why so many people are turned on by vampires. When he was unceremoniously dragged away by a pack of werewolves to a certain death by the end of the film, I asked my friend in vain if he would be coming back in the next film. Trying to spare my feelings, she told me, "Um, yeah!" The next installment of Twilight will be sorely lacking without this Aussie hunk.

Alexander Skarsgard

The other hot vampire of 2010, Alexander Skarsgard caught my attention earlier this year with his striking good looks and his massive frame. I could only make it through the first season of True Blood, when Alex's hair was so unappealing I could barely muster any sexual interest, but this doesn't prevent me from thinking he's a hot piece of ass.

River Viiperi

This Spanish model made a big breakthrough in 2010 with a wide variety of editorials in a short period of time. His range is nearly as wide as Lachowski's, but he has a signature look in every one of them which sets him apart from nearly every other model in the game. He has clearly taken lessons from Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model, which is obviously not a bad way to hone your craft.

Half-Way Report 2010

Top 2 Films
I could add Un Prophète, Shutter Island and Toy Story 3 for an even five, but, in all honesty, the only movies that have mattered this year so far were:

02. Prodigal Sons

Kimberly Reed's documentary about the relationship between herself, a post-op transgendered woman trying to reconcile her past as a boy, and her adopted brother who suffers from mental problem after an accident injures his brain is more surprising than a M. Night Shyamalan film. Just when you think you've figured out what Prodigal Sons is about, Reed offers curveball after curveball so extraordinary you can't make it up.

01. Fish Tank

Between Red Road and this, it's obvious that director Andrea Arnold has a thing for isolated, emotionally distant female protagonists. Katie Jarvis is the young woman here and, along with Arnold, she is lead down a confusing path of familial relationships and sexuality with no outlet other than her dancing. Fish Tank was the first 2010 film I saw and nothing I've seen has come close to matching it. The issues the film raises are issues no other filmmaker even considers and is done with sheer intelligence.

Top 5 Performances
05. Tahar Rahim, Un Prophète
Rahim subtly and unassumingly ingratiates himself into the prison and its structure to the point where you barely even notice until he practically runs the place.
04. Anne Hathaway, Valentine's Day
Meet Annie Hathaway, Comedic Firestorm. I was nearly in tears every time her storyline came on. And that Russian accent!
03. James Marsden, Death at a Funeral
His scene stealing turn as a drugged-out funeral attendee saved this remake from sheer stupidity.
02. Kristen Stewart, The Runaways
The vocal inflections are pure Kristen but physically she inhabits the hulking, brooding Joan Jett. Twilight aside, she continues to prove she's an actress on the verge of a breakthrough.

01. Katie Jarvis & Michael Fassbender, Fish Tank
An on-screen pairing of epic proportions. Together, they walk a fine line between hot-blooded lust and inappropriate sexual advances.

Top 7 Rentals
This includes re-screenings which involved drastic changes of opinion.
07. Gosford Park (Robert Altman, 2001)
I don't think I quite understood what Altman was going for in this film the first go-around (I think I expected more of an out-and-out comedy). This time, however, everything made much more sense.
06. Another Woman (Woody Allen, 1988)
One of the Woodman's most unusual collaborations, this time with Queen of Indie Cinema Gena Rowlands as a cold professor who can't gauge people's true feelings towards her. As she goes about trying to reconcile this situation and discover her own inner feelings, it becomes clear that this is another fantastic Bergman homage melded with the usual Allen themes.
05. The Collector (William Wyler, 1965)
A shy, emotionally damaged young man kidnaps a young woman and holds her prisoner in his basement. Not nearly as morbid as it sounds since all he wants from her is her love. What makes The Collector so unusual is the twisted relationship Terence Stamp and Samantha Eggar develop over time and, like Fish Tank, the sexual issues the film raises. Read the fantastic book as well for even more perspective.
04. The Conformist (Bernardo Bertolucci, 1970)
A stylish take on one man's incessant desire to fit in, no matter the consequences. There's so much history stuffed into The Conformist, so much that it almost becomes integral to fully understanding the film, that it's easy to see why I didn't get this movie back in high school.
03. Tout Va Bien (Jean-Luc Godard and Jean-Pierre Gorin, 1972)
Godard and Jane Fonda unite for a spirited takedown of the political climate in early 70's France. There's no real plot to speak of and, as always, there are a lot of political monologues spoken directly into the camera, but no film since Bowling for Columbine has made me want take part in some political revolution like Tout Va Bien did. And that final long take in the grocery store is more epic than all of David Lean's work combined.
02. Applause (Rouben Mamoulian, 1929)
Groundbreaking talkie from the era of clunkers like The Broadway Melody. Read my review here.
01. The Battle of Algiers (Gillo Pontecorvo, 1966)
Intelligent in both film technique and politics, The Battle of Algiers and its call to arms against the oppression of 20th century imperialism is truly a one-of-a-kind experience.

Top 5 Singles
This was seriously hard to narrow down since there have been at least 20 phenomenal singles released already this year. I love these songs so much I can't even explain my love for them. Just click on the link and listen (if you haven't already) to experience for yourself.
05. Diana Vickers 'Once'
04. Robyn 'Dancing On My Own'
03. Janelle Monáe 'Cold War'
02. M.I.A 'XXXO'
01. Gabriella Cilmi 'On a Mission'

Top 5 Bonus Tracks, B-Sides, Remixes and Assorted Non-Singles
05. Kris Allen 'Let It Be'
This was my contribution to the Haiti relief. Easily a more accomplished cash-in on that tragedy than 'We Are the World' and 'Everybody Hurts.'
04. Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart 'Cherry Bomb'
Surprisingly addictive given the fact Dakota and Kristen are hardly singers. I suppose that doesn't matter since punk rock doesn't exactly require a Whitney Houston voice. Still, their version of 'Cherry Bomb' has enough bite to make every other Girl Power anthem in the past few years look as antiquated as a 50's housewife.
03. Alex Gardner 'Heartbreak'
Not sure if this will be a future single but any doubt about whether Gardner could enter the super-stylized world of Xenomania was erased after this gorgeous song.
02. Britney Spears 'Telephone'
Not superior to the GaGa version by any means, and it loses points for not having the Beyoncé verse, but Brit's demo version of 'Telephone' from the Circus days is so Britney. Her growl is so distinctive and proves to be a real asset in making this version work. Now if someone can get a proper recording with Beyoncé, my life would be complete.
01. Florrie 'Call 911 (Fred Falke Remix)'
An electropop masterpiece. Florrie, current drummer for the Xenomania houseband, with the help of Fred Falke, turns this simple pop tune into a 7 minute epic dancefloor piece. Can't wait to hear what she cranks out next.

Top 5 Albums
05. Ke$ha Animal
What I love most about Ke$ha is that she seems to understand and accept who she is as an artist. Animal doesn't pretend to be anything but the drunken party album it is. And for that I'm grateful.
04. Miley Cyrus Can't Be Tamed
Miley's big FUCK YOU to Disney and her former life as a tween star only gets better for me. Glad to see that's she finally starting to embrace the pop goddess inside of her.
03. Kelis Flesh Tone
The R&B singer embraces the electropop for a stunning change of pace from Tasty years ago.
02. Alphabeat The Spell/The Beat Is...
This is Alphabeat was their throwback to the 80's. The Spell/The Beat Is... is Alphabeat's throwback to Ace of Base-style 90's pop. Needless to say, their inspirations are simply divine and help fuel this creative, constantly arresting album.

01. Robyn Body Talk Pt. 1
It took a couple listens in a row in my car to show just how brave this album is. Not immediately accessible, Body Talk Pt. 1 proves to be entrancing once you start to understand Robyn's intention with each of her songs. And, in its oddity, it feels more like a cohesive album than many others released this year.

Top 5 Music Videos
05. Miley Cyrus 'Can't Be Tamed'
Miley ditches Disney, takes notes from Britney's complicated persona and dresses like the rare caged bird she is.
04. Rihanna 'Rude Boy'
After the darkness that surrounded both 'Russian Roulette' and 'Hard,' Rihanna lightened up quite a bit with this fun, colorful clip for what is obviously the most commercial song off Rated R.
03. Mark Ronson featuring Q-Tip and MDNR 'Bang Bang Bang'
Simultaneously a throwback to early 80's New Wave videos and a parody of crazy Japanese television.
02. M.I.A. 'Born Free'
As frightening and vivid as a film like Children of Men. She also gets points for understanding how to intersperse a 3 minute song into a 9 minute video (something Lady GaGa should take notes on).
01. Alphabeat 'DJ (I Could Be Dancing)'
In the same way that Nelly Furtado's 'Say It Right' video does, the whole of 'DJ (I Could Be Dancing)' is greater than the sum of its parts. Nothing about each individual set up is particularly unique, even if it does have a great neo-80's feel. But, collectively, the images add up to a particularly arresting video. I can't quite put my finger on why, but 'DJ (I Could Be Dancing)' is a video I can watch over and over again without growing bored.

Top 3 Obsessions
03. Setsuko Hara
The Japanese actress impressed the hell out of me last summer when I saw Ozu's Tokyo Story, but two more performances in two Kurosawa flicks have proven she was an actress of incomparable talent. No Regrets for Our Youth showed her in stone-faced, taking-on-the-sins-of-the-world mode while Hakuchi was her violent, explosive Bette Davis performance.
02. Xavier Samuel
I've been in love with this Aussie hottie for awhile now, but the anticipation for his American debut in Twilight Saga: Eclipse (assessment: he doesn't let us down) was what drove me over the edge.
01. Nicholas Hoult's Bum
I mean, have you seen it lately?

Top 5 (New) Hot Guys

05. Simon Nessman

04. Dave Franco

03. Dylan Forsberg

02. Michael Fassbender

01. Alexander Skarsgard

Top 5 Favorite Posts
05. So Many Women, So Little Time: The Sexual Politics of Up in the Air and Nine
According to these films, boys rule and girls drool.
04. My Senior Thesis: Ordinary People, Spice World, Saratoga Trunk
Some of the pieces I wrote for my senior thesis that I worked on during the past semester of school.
03. People Who Can Stop Sucking It: Katy Perry
This is still the best thing that happened during the Godforsaken ninth season of American Idol.
02. Ten Essential Film Performances of the 2000's
Julianne Moore, Nicole Kidman and...La Tisdale? My strange collection of the most important performances of the past decade.
01. Actor Devotionals: Jean-Pierre Léaud
My look at the career and on-screen persona of New Wave icon, and my favorite actor, Jean-Pierre Léaud. I know a lot of people don't really know JPL beyond The 400 Blows, but this is probably my favorite piece I've ever written.

Happy Eclipse Day!

Now that is one sexy, sexy cast!

Well, boys and girls, today is the day. At 11:59 pm tonight, Twilight fanatics around the country will be piling into theatres to get their first (and most likely not last) glimpse at the latest installment in the series, Eclipse. I, of course, will be among those people like I have been for the past two movies. This probably sounds hypocritical of me since I complain about these movies every chance I get, but, in all honesty, I don't go to these midnight screenings for the movies themselves. Sure, seeing Taylor sans shirt and making fun of dumb Twi-tards going apeshit at stupid moments are both huge positives, but my excitement goes beyond that. My best friends are all Twilight fans and going out with them to these showings has become a way of celebrating our friendship. When New Moon came out last November, I was so excited I kept referring to the day as "New Moon Day" like it was some kind of holiday. Honestly, though, it did feel like a holiday: I spent all day in giddy anticipation, then a lovely dinner with my best friends and some awesome new people and, finally, the movie, which practically made me orgasm around 20 times that first time. Hell, I even made a freaking cake (red velvet, because I am clever like that)! If that doesn't sound like a great holiday celebration, I don't know what does. It was a hundred times better than Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family in which I spent the whole night in a numb, alcoholic stupor while my brother and his girlfriend laughed at my intoxication. Basically "Eclipse Day" means more to me than just a silly movie; it's a day to celebrate friendship with the people I love best. So even if you don't give a shit about Eclipse, go out and celebrate "Eclipse Day" with your best friend, your BFF, your mate or whatever you call them and do whatever you love best.

Happy Australia Day!

Happy Australia Day, mate! Okay, I'd be lying if I said, as a stereotypical lazy American, I knew what Australia Day was actually celebrating. However, that doesn't matter because any day where I can celebrate Aussies is a day I can get behind. I must give a major "g'day" to Glenn, the only Australian I actually know and have had a conversation with. To celebrate the holiday, he came up with a list of the Top 25 Australian Films of the Decade, 19 of which are available in the US. Shame on me for having only seen one of these films. I guess I know what I need to work on once my latest Godard and Truffaut bender dies down. Australia has also produced some of my favorite celebrities: acting goddess Nicole Kidman, the eternally dependable Toni Collette, the sexy DILF Hugh Jackman, Australia's equivalent to Madonna Kylie Minogue, etc. The list goes on and on. However, I can't let this golden opportunity pass and not talk about my current Aussie "It Boy" Xavier Samuel. I feel a bit silly going so gaga over him after only seeing one of his films (the surfing film Newcastle where Xavier plays a gay emo/goth), but I honestly can't help it. Have you seen pictures of him? The boy can literally go for a coffee run in sweats and look like he has just stepped out of a fashion editorial. They certainly know to grow 'em in the land down under, don't they?

Xavier Samuel Has Given Us a Reason to Care About Eclipse

In case you haven't heard yet, Australian actor Xavier Samuel has been cast as Riley in Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight Saga. When it was rumored awhile ago that Channing Tatum was wanted for the part, I asked my Twilight-loving (I wouldn't call them obsessed--they realize that Robert Pattinson and Edward Cullen are two distinct people) friends who Riley was in the novel (they mercifully let me stop after New Moon) and they were a bit surprised that they wanted Channing for a role that was so tiny and insignificant. Apparently, he's some kind of minion of Victoria (played by Rachel Lefevre in the first two and now taken over by Bryce Dallas Howard in a controversial firing last week) who loves her so much he'll do anything for her. I'm guessing the role has been expanded somewhat since the unknown-in-America Samuel has been getting quite a bit of publicity and the whole Lefevre/Howard replacement was deemed necessary since the shoot couldn't work around ten days that Lefevre was missing. However, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't just the gossip sites catering to the Twitards's need to know everything about every small day detail of the film adaptations.

It's not like I can really blame them, though. I find it fascinating that so many people can be that caught up in a series which is complete and utter rubbish. The only reason I particularly care to see New Moon at this point is for my girl Kristen Stewart (Team Bella all the way) + Anna Kendrick + Kellan Lutz + Taylor "Jailbait" Lautner's abs + the chance to make fun of the movie after it is done. I'm sure by the time Eclipse comes in 2010, all of that will be old hat so I'm glad that Xavier Samuel has come to give me something to look forward. Both Stale Popcorn and The Rural Juror have praised his acting talents in Australian films like September and Newcastle, but since I haven't had the opportunity to see any of his work, I'll just have to settle with looking at him. And if you can call this "settling," well, this world might not be so bad after all.

(Pics courtesy of Just Jared)