Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Things That Annoy Me: Perez Hilton and His Blog

To inaugurate my latest series, creatively titled "Things That Annoy Me," I decided to write about someone who's become sort of a quasi-celebrity for writing one of the least interesting blogs I have ever read: Perez Hilton. In case you've never heard of him, he's an overweight homosexual who constantly changes his hair color (in lieu of actually having personality) and writes this blog about the celebrities and their wacky behavior. Now, one would think that this could be rather interesting (given, of course, that you love celebrity gossip) but instead it is so freaking unimaginative and lacks any attempt to be the least bit witty or funny.

To show you what I mean, here are some of my interpretations of what a Perez Hilton entry might look like:

Britney shows off her vajayjay while stepping out of her car on her way to Club X in Los Angeles with new pal Paris Hilton (no relation).

Girl, please put on some panties.

Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay

Channing likes it up the butt, says a former friend in a Perez exclusive.

I wouldn't have this much of a problem with a lackluster blog if Perez weren't considered a "celebrity" and wasn't such a cocky asshole about it. I know I've never met him before, but all the proof I need is in the episode of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List that he appears on toward the end of last season. On this episode, Kathy is thanking him for writing something nice about the passing of her father on his blog even though there was some bad blood between them. First of all, you do not start shit with Kathy Griffin---you grovel at her holy feet. As a gay man he should especially know this. Second of all, you don't act like your fucking Hedda Hopper (look her up, kids) around the Queen when all you do is write on a fourth-rate blog. Kathy gives him free sex toys to try and win him over and he kind of half-heartedly looks at them and turns them on. Kathy is impressed that they are taking a limo to lunch and he kind of shrugs it off like it's no big deal. Then, when they are at the restaurant a couple of people come up and ask Kathy for her autograph, he has the audacity to ask if she's paid them to come over while he is there and then he acts all offended when they don't ask for his autograph. Sorry they probably have better things to be doing, like, I don't know, stabbing plastic sporks into their extremities, instead of reading your shitty blog.

I don't know who Perez Hilton thinks he is, but he is nowhere near the hot shit that he believes himself to be. I hope some scandal errupts and his downfall happens swiftly and painfully.

P.S. If you want to read an amazing celebrity gossip site, go and visit The Superficial. Not only does it deliver celebrity gossip but it does it in an amazingly fresh and witty way. Plus, it has my favorite headline ever. I'm not going to lie, I laughed for awhile even though it's pretty serious shit.

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