30 Day Film Challenge: Day 20

Day 20: Your Favorite Romantic Film

Bonnie and Clyde (Arthur Penn, 1967)

Not a romance film in the traditional sense, Bonnie and Clyde goes beyond typical romance film merely by depicting a couple that will literally do anything for each other--whether it is robbing a bank or murdering someone while getting away. And it's also one of the sexiest movies ever made, which is saying something since the lovemaking scenes are interrupted by Clyde's impotence.

OH NO THE BITCH DID NOT JUST SAY THAT

Last week, I reported (while nearly vomiting) that Hilary Duff was to star in a new version of the Bonnie and Clyde story and meagerly attempt to fill the legendary Faye Dunaway's shoes. True to diva form, Faye was quick to respond: "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?" What's that, Hilary? Do you need some ointment for that BURN? This is why I love Faye Dunaway so much: she's saying whatever the fuck she likes and she doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. And with a career as illustrious as hers, Faye has earned this right.

This should have been the end of the story, but Hilary, trying to out-do the great Faye, retaliated with this:

“I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too.”

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

Hilary, I don't care who the fuck you think you are, do NOT open your big trap and openly insult a living legend. If, by the grace of Oprah herself, you somehow are able to craft not one, not two but FOUR legendary characters that people will still be talking about 30- 40 years later- and all in the span of 14 short years- then MAYBE, just maybe, you might have the credibility to insult Faye Dunaway. But, since you've only created Lizzie Maguire, a fucking Disney character that I'll be surprised if people will remember that in 5 years, shut your mouth.

As for that whole being "mad if you looked like that now, too," Faye was always an unconventional beauty and just because she doesn't botox the fuck out of her face or get plastic surgery every two months, doesn't not mean she's ugly. If I looked like that at even half her age, I would be eternally grateful. Just because you're pretty now, Hilary, doesn't mean it will last forever. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

If I Was Whitney Houston, This News Would Definitely Get a "Hell to the No!"

If I had been eating something when I read this news, I swear to God I would have choked on it. In case you don't feel like clicking on the link, let me brief you: someone has decided that the 1967 classic Bonnie and Clyde isn't the "definitive" look at the outlaw couple and wants to do an indie version based closer on their actual lives cleverly titled The Story of Bonnie and Clyde. First of all, Bonnie and Clyde is one film that never needs to be remade. I don't care if you're doing a more "realistic" approach on their lives; your film will ALWAYS pare in comparison to Arthur Penn's version. If you want to do a film about outlaw lovers, either make them up (like Oliver Stone did with Natural Born Killers) or focus on another pair. Bonnie and Clyde will forever be off limits.

Secondly, when you're casting said remake-but-not-really of Bonnie and Clyde, do not think, even for a second, that Hilary Duff will EVER be a good replacement for Faye Dunaway. I know I claimed that one day she would win an Oscar, but, honey, this is neither the time nor the place. Faye Dunaway is amazing in ways that Hilary Duff can never even dream of. Have you ever seen Hilary get slapped around by Jack Nicholson? Has she yelled at someone, "Don't fuck with me, fella!"? I don't think so. And guess who's been cast as Clyde? Kevin Zegers, that skanky, twinky hustler from Transamerica. Gross. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

So, in brief, Bonnie and Clyde will never be topped and Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers will never equal Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty.

Random Top 10: Sexiest Movies Ever

Entertainment Weekly recently picked "The 50 Sexiest Movies Ever" in their November 28th issue and, predictably, the list sucks. Major balls. Not only does it skew newer (as their "...Greatest Ever" lists always do) but some of their entries don't make any sense at all. His Girl Friday at #2? Really? I know it's been awhile (and I'm really not it's biggest fan), but I seriously don't remember anything that screamed "sex!" at me. Once at #11?! You mean that movie in which the main guy tries to woo the girl in the first scene, finds out she's married, gives up and spends the rest of the time making his average indie music? Yeah, I couldn't keep my erection down during that one. Since EW's choices sucked so much, I have decided to offer my picks for the 10 sexiest movies ever.

10. It Happened One Night (1934)
Coming at the beginning of the Hays Production Code, which limited the amount of "morally objectionable" content on screen to absolutely zero, It Happened One Night managed to sneak in almost undetected by the censors. Not only is the witty repartee brimming with sexual tension, but the individual moments (The Walls of Jericho, Clark Gable taking off his shirt, the dreamy moment in the hay, Claudette Colbert trying to catch a ride) make it even steamier.

9. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958)
Sure, Brick (Paul Newman) is a sexually confused, alcoholic who wants nothing to do with his wife-in-heat, Maggie (Elizabeth Taylor), but Cat on a Hot Tin Roof captures the sweaty, lusty atmosphere of a hot summer day in the Deep South unlike any film I've ever seen. Through Maggie's constant pleading, every slight touch and gaze between her and her unresponsive husband radiates more lustiness than you could possibly imagine.

8. The Lady Eve (1941)
Barbara Stanwyck practically glows with sexual prowess everytime she appears on-screen, no matter the genre, but she was never more lust-worthy than when she seduces a nerdy Henry Fonda (who was just returning from a year long expedition studying snakes in the Amazon) in her cabin, purring into his ear and slowly running her fingers through his hair. This is one sexy scene that would straighten any anaconda.

7. Romeo and Juliet (1968)
I've already talked about this one at length, but let me just reiterate: forbidden love + tight 16th century pants + Leonard Whiting's naked butt = Hot, Hot, Hot.

6. Black Book (2007)
Carice van Houten is a sex goddess. Whether she's being rescued by a hunky sailor or saving her ass from the concentration camp by sleeping with a high-ranking Nazi, van Houten always knows how to turn on the audience in Black Book. I should know: that first sex scene between her and Sebastian Koch turned me on in ways I never thought a straight sex scene could.

5. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
Normally, guns and violence completely turn me off, but with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway behind the guns and perpetrating the crimes, murder and bank robbery has never looked more stylish and glamorous.

4. Flesh and the Devil (1927)
When people complain about old movies, especially silent pictures, being completely irrelevant and sexless, they should be pointed towards Flesh and the Devil as a counter example to this stereotype. Real-life lovers Greta Garbo and John Gilbert are so intimate in their first alone moment that I swear that they were only moments away from penetration. And no one but Garbo could make drinking from a communion glass so erotic.

3. Breathless (1960)
The relationship between Jean Seberg's papergirl and car thief Jean-Paul Belmondo is charming throughout the entire film, but it is during the 20+ minute interlude in Seberg's apartment that the sexiness really emerges. Belmondo, clad only in his boxers, and Seberg sit around and talk about nothing in particular, but it's all charming and sexy in it's own French way.

2. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Okay, so although I've scene rape scenes in other films that were less uncomfortable than the first sexual encounter between Ennis and Jack in Brokeback, the facts are the rest of the little time they spend together over the next 20 years include some very hot moments. Case in point, their first "real" love making scene in the tent or their first embrace after meeting for the first time in four years.

1. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
I know that the celebrated three-way, which turns into a full-on Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal makeout session part way through, is the piece de resistance of this film (Lord knows I've rewound that scene a good 10 or 15 times); however, many of the other sex scenes between either Gael, Diego and Maribel Verdu are just as hot, dirty and erotic as that scene. I've never seen a film before that has celebrated sex in such an open way and actually made it look sexy without depicting it unrealistically (Diego finishes way too early for Maribel's liking during their scene together). Y Tu Mamá También is the rare film that will turn you on but also make you think and feel for these characters beyond the sexpots they are.

12 Movies to Save the World

Wow, I feel somewhat loved this afternoon. I've been tagged not once, but twice, to take part in the latest meme from the Lazy Eye Theatre. So, thank you JD and Glenn for the shoutouts! I'm supposed to pretend that I'm running a movie theater and have to select 12 movies to play as six double features. Here are the rules from the original:

1) Choose 12 Films to be featured. They could be random selections or part of a greater theme. Whatever you want.

2) Explain why you chose the films.

3) Link back to Lazy Eye Theatre so I can have hundreds of links and I can take those links and spread them all out on the bed and then roll around in them.

4) The people selected then have to turn around and select 5 more people.

Here we go, this is going to be fun!

Night 1: Friendship
Rebel Without a Cause (Nicholas Ray, 1955)
Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (David Merkin, 1997)

I want to start off with my mini film-festival on a positive note, so I'll start with a positive theme: friendship. I chose Rebel Without a Cause to kick off the festivities because it's still an incredibly modern and relevant film in the 2000's (that is, if you look past all the bad 50's dialogue) and the relationship between James Dean, Natalie Wood and Sal Mineo is simply beautiful. On the other hand, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, an unfairly maligned chick flick that only gets better and funnier with age, hysterically shows the strange but all-too-true dynamics of friendships: somedays you're making fun of Pretty Woman together while eating Doritos, other times you bickering about who's the Mary and who's the Rhoda and still others you simply can't stand looking at each other. But, at the end of the day, you know that you'll be there to help them out when you need them the most (and then do a totally impromptu ballet to Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time").

Night 2: Needs a Second Look
Family Diary (Valerio Zurlini, 1962)
Mississippi Mermaid (Francois Truffaut, 1969)

For the second night, I wanted to pick two films that I've seen only once before and really want to see again but haven't had the opportunity. While watching Valerio Zurlini's Family Diary on TCM a few months ago, I generally thought it was a good melodrama with a couple of nice performances from Marcello Mastroianni and Jacques Perrin and nothing more. For the next couple of days, however, I couldn't get the damn movie and its gorgeous images out of my head. Quite simply, Family Diary is one of the greatest films ever made about the relationship between brothers. I wish I could see this one again, but, unfortunately, I deleted this off my DVR before I realized how good it was and it's not available anywhere on DVD or even VHS. Such a shame; I really need a second look. Mississippi Mermaid not only features the most beautiful romantic leads ever with Jean-Paul Belmondo and Catherine Deneuve (second only to Newman and Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof) but it is also one of Francois Truffaut's many salutes to Hitchcock. I wasn't crazy with the results when I saw it the first time, but I started thinking that maybe, like most of Hitchcock's greatest works (except for Vertigo...I've seen it at least twice now and I still don't think it's that great), it needs a couple of viewings to be evaluated properly.

Night 3: Insanity
Network (Sidney Lumet, 1976)
The Snake Pit (Anatole Litvak, 1948)

With this pairing on night three, a somewhat deep and philosophical question can be asked after watching Sidney Lumet's masterpiece Network and the underrated Olivia de Havilland vehicle The Snake Pit back-to-back: Who's actually crazier-- de Havilland and the other "loonies" in the ward or Howard Beale, Diana Christensen and the followers of Beale's madman rants?

Night 4: Mothers from Hell
Mommie Dearest (Frank Perry, 1981)
Ordinary People (Robert Redford, 1980)

Night four will consist of the mothers that we love to hate in two very different movies made just a year apart. Mommie Dearest is pure camp from start to finish, while Ordinary People is a slick, grown up tragedy that a lot of people complain about winning the Best Picture Oscar over Raging Bull. That's pretty sad that this is Ordinary People's main claim to fame because it's a much better film than it's given credit for (and Redford's achievement is nearly as great as Scorsese's behind the director's chair).

Night 5: True Love
Bonnie and Clyde (Arthur Penn, 1967)
Sid & Nancy (Alex Cox, 1986)

Having never been in love myself, I have a warped sense of what "romantic" is. For my fifth night, I'm offering two movies that I think are quite possibly the most romantic ever made. Both Bonnie and Clyde and Sid & Nancy concern outcasts who meet, have undeniable spark and will do anything for each no matter how illegal or immoral. So what if Sid (allegedly) kills Nancy and then overdoses on heroin or Bonnie and Clyde end up gunned down in a blaze of bullets?

Night 6: Politics as Comedy
Duck Soup (Leo McCarey, 1933)
Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (Stanley Kubrick, 1964)

Duck Soup was a flop when it was released in 1933, but today it couldn't be any more relevant concerning the war in Iraq and Bush's presidency. The Marx Brothers let their usual brand of anarchy spill all over the place with a glorious mix of pantomime, one-liners, musical numbers and slapstick. Dr. Strangelove is a comedy about nuclear warfare; how much crazier does that get? Add to that the loony General Turgidson (how did George C. Scott get passed up for an Oscar that year?) who's sole purpose for being is, no matter the human cost, to kill as many Reds as possible. Underneath all of the laughter, it's generally an uncomfortable film because you have to believe that at some point Bush has had a meeting exactly like the one that takes place in The War Room.

And now for the tagging... mB, Michael Parsons and anyone else who hasn't been tagged and would like to do this. Just link back to here so I can enjoy your post (and the rest of your blog if I've never read you before!).