An Open Letter to Robert Pattinson

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I know we've had our disagreements in the past. I insulted your performance in Twilight any chance I could and even listed as one of the worst of the year. You have no reason to heed my advice since you obviously haven't listened before (you are still acting, right?) but please, for the love of God, listen now:

Get your fucking arm and bad breath-polluted tongue away from my beloved Anna Kendrick, you two-bit, artificial, personal hygiene-ignoring closet case.

She is a fucking Tony nominee (Best Featured Actress in a Musical, High Society, 1998) and Independent Spirit Award nominee (Best Supporting Actress, Rocket Science, 2007) and what have you done? Stared vacantly in a huge blockbuster, earned a legion of retard tweenage girls who don't mind that you don't take a shower and want you to bite them on the neck and an MTV Movie Award nomination for Breakthrough Male. You don't even belong in the same frame with this goddess, let alone touching her, so back the fuck up and go back to not washing your hair, your favorite pastime.

xoxo
Dame James