A blog currently wondering which of the One Direction boys will take him home. Other obsessions: hot boys, Britney Spears, the Disney pop princesses, French New Wave cinema.
The one question I'm sure you're sick of hearing when you go on the interview circuit is, of course, "When are you going to make music again?" And I know you've been very defensive as you try and build up your acting resumé. Your reaction is perfectly understandable; you have your own project to promote, so why must you keep answering the same question over and over again? But did you ever think people ask you why you have given up music for acting because you are not a very good actor?
Don't get me wrong, you're very funny when you guest host on Saturday Night Live. Hell, I still listen to "Dick in a Box." But there's a difference between being funny in a five minute comedy sketch and in a full-length film. Some people are able to do both. You, unfortunately, cannot. In your most recent outing as an actor, Bad Teacher, you play an awkward, goofy nerd who greets people with individualized hand shakes and practically cries when he talks about how much he hates slavery. In another actor's hands, this could have been a funny role. Someone like James Marsden, who specializes in playing cartoonish characters quite well, would have really gotten some laughs out of this ridiculous character. When you play him, however, he's just Justin Timberlake with a pair of glasses. And that seems to be the major problem: all of your performances are you playing Justin Timberlake. Normally I'd argue that that's not necessarily a bad thing, but let's face it, there's a vast difference between you playing you and Cary Grant playing Cary Grant in every movie. You are never outlandishly bad, but neither are you the part of the movie everyone is buzzing about. When I'm telling a friend about a movie of yours I have just seen, it's usually, "Oh, Justin Timberlake was in it, too," right after I tell them about the hot guy a couple of rows in front of me and complain about my salty popcorn.
So, to sum this all up, get some inspiration and get back in the recording studio pronto. The only reason you get cast in these movies is because you are young, pretty and famous from your music career. Once your looks and goodwill from your music goes, you're fucked. Make some new music before a whole generation goes by wondering why you were famous in the first place.
Ever since I heard 'Just Dance' on the radio in late 2008, I have loved the woman known as GaGa. I defended her against many of her now rabid devotees who thought she was nothing but a Madonna wannabe (HA, remember those days?). Around the time of the 'Paparazzi' video, however, a lot of people saw that she was her own artist. The comparisons stopped and many of her one-time haters became hardcore fans overnight. With the 1-2-3-4 punch of her insane VMA performance, her 'Bad Romance' video, the release of The Fame Monster and her tour, GaGa's fanbase went mental in a short period of time. And this is precisely where the problem started.
The gays like to make fun of Justin Bieber and his devoted legion of tween fans, but, in all honesty, there's not much difference between a Bieberhead and a fanatical GaGa gay. The only thing that separates them is the fact that the gay can usually compose a proper sentence when announcing their devotion 14 times a day. And boy are the gays devoted. Every televised performance is not simply a great performance but, rather, "THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN WITH MY EYES. THE RESURRECTION OF JESUS WAS LESS SPECTACULAR THAN WHAT I AM WITNESSING. I HEART GAGA!" What about that Glee Goes GaGa episode which everyone thought was so amazing? That was an embarrassment both to the Glee cast and GaGa's music. Dressing up in GaGa's costumes, doing some rudimentary moves from her videos and singing a lame karaoke version of 'Bad Romance' does not count as a great musical number. Ask any gay man who watched that episode, however, and it comes across as if that sequence redefined the musical as we know it. I think I'm beginning to understand the problem Ann Coulter has conversing with liberals.
I could ignore many of these minor irritants by simply closing my Twitter feed, but the grander problem these sentiments address is both unavoidable and distressing. This all-around obsession with GaGa has gone from simple adoration to destructive. The gays are a notoriously fickle group. When they love you, they REALLY love you. But when they don't, you better watch out because the venom is going to come out. Xtina recently experienced this with her "GaGa imitation" 'Not Myself Tonight'. The gays turned on her so quickly and so unexpectedly, my head is still spinning. I'm literally scared for how Madonna and Britney are going to fare in this post-GaGa pop landscape. I'm already pretty sure they're going to be lambasted for "stealing" from GaGa even while they're doing the same thing they've been doing since GaGa was still Stefani. Let's be clear about one thing: GaGa did not invent the idea of a stage persona or using sexuality as a part of this persona, nor did she invent pop music. Lord knows I love her, but the idea that she invented anything new, besides her individual persona, is completely ridiculous.
So, GaGa fans, I am urging you to tone it down a bit. I understand that you love her--I certainly do, too--but you're turning a great woman into an unpleasant experience with every mention of her. Also, GaGa, please go away for awhile. After the 'Alejandro' video (and I'm already preparing for an onslaught of "GREATEST. VIDEO. EVER." tweets when that premieres), I don't want to see your face for six months. Give me a chance to miss you! Let the gays talk about something else for awhile instead of how you invented the long-form music video.
Please get better. Soon. This week's episode was an abomination against all humankind. I seriously haven't rolled my eyes that much in such a short span of time since the love scenes between Troy and Gabriella in HSM3.
I know some readers out there think I'm just a big ole player hater who will never be satisfied with the show, but that's not true. I just think that Glee has the potential to be a great show and isn't living up to its initial promise. The show is coasting on its enormous buzz right now and hasn't done much in the episodes since its phenomenal debut to live up to all of it. Sure, there have been moments of inspiration and cleverness (I especially loved the Mash-Up episode with the girls' singing 'Halo' and 'Walking on Sunshine') but nothing has even come close to matching this moment of magic:
And on Wednesday, my God, I swear recovering from surgery was less painful than what happened on Glee. I mean, the whole "I've seen this episode five times before" plot (Baby business and Rachel loves Finn? Oy vey) was bad enough, but once they showed the deaf choir "singing" 'Imagine,' I almost fucking lost it. What the fuck was that? You can call it "inspirational" or whatever the fuck you want, but that was shameless manipulation, pure and simple, worthy only of the Idol Gives Back special. And then they had the balls to sing another soppy ballad, 'True Colors,' at the very end, just to top off the shittiness. Glee could be so much better than anything as dire as those by-the-books numbers and yet it keeps on relying on this over and over again. If they switch things up a bit like they did for 'Don't Stop Believing,' 'Halo/Walking on Sunshine' and the recent rendition of 'Dancing With Myself,' the numbers become much more interesting. Without this creativity, Glee becomes nothing more than a show with a mediocre plot and kids singing mediocre Broadway karaoke.
I know we've had our disagreements in the past. I insulted your performance in Twilight any chance I could and even listed as one of the worst of the year. You have no reason to heed my advice since you obviously haven't listened before (you are still acting, right?) but please, for the love of God, listen now:
Get your fucking arm and bad breath-polluted tongue away from my beloved Anna Kendrick, you two-bit, artificial, personal hygiene-ignoring closet case.
She is a fucking Tony nominee (Best Featured Actress in a Musical, High Society, 1998) and Independent Spirit Award nominee (Best Supporting Actress, Rocket Science, 2007) and what have you done? Stared vacantly in a huge blockbuster, earned a legion of retard tweenage girls who don't mind that you don't take a shower and want you to bite them on the neck and an MTV Movie Award nomination for Breakthrough Male. You don't even belong in the same frame with this goddess, let alone touching her, so back the fuck up and go back to not washing your hair, your favorite pastime.
I love you dearly and think you are a fantastic actress. No matter how good Susan Hayward was in I Want to Live!, that Oscar should have been yours for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and only you could have made the heavily censored and camp-tastic Suddenly, Last Summer work as well as it did (and that scream at the very end still gives me chills). By 1960, you were so popular that you jokingly accepted to star in the remake of Cleopatra for $1 million and actually received it- the highest sum of money an actor had ever received upfront to star in a movie at that time. Over the course of a grueling three year shoot in which you nearly died, you made an additional $6 million, bringing your grand total to $7 million (which equals about $44 million in today's dollars). After witnessing Cleopatra tonight, the catastrophe that you and 20th Century Fox call a movie, I have only one thing to say: you need to return every last cent of that ungodly paycheck. I'm not going to blame you entirely, Liz, for the crime against humanity that is Cleopatra- the saying that film is a communal effort has never been more apparent than here- but, honey, standing around, reciting lines like you were back on Butterfield 8 and staring blankly at both of your co-leads (Rex Harrison and Richard Burton, all equally lost and atrocious) does not qualify as good acting. I don't care if you donate that money to charity, finance another movie version of Cleopatra that doesn't suck or place it in a rocketship and shoot it to the moon- just get rid of those ill gotten gains as soon as possible. Thank you!
