I've Got Loads More to Say About The Trial...

...but for now shirtless Anthony Perkins will have to do. Not that shirtless Anthony Perkins should be considered settling by anyone. Just look at those shoulders! The dude has some Power Bitch shoulders that Mildred Pierce would be jealous of.

10 Best Actresses I'm Excited For, 10 Not So Much

With Nick Davis winding up his immaculate Best Actress Project with a profile of a Best Actress nominee every day for the past week and a half or so, I've become re-immersed in my own progress with the category. After watching Ship of Fools a couple of days ago (and I was fighting the whole way not to turn that piece of crap off), I am now down to 80 nominees left to see. Not too shabby, me thinks. Of course, there are a few films which are either obscure as hell in America (Marriage- Italian Style, The Constant Nymph), not available in any format besides the film (The Barker, The Trespasser) or outright banned because of copyright issues (The Blue Veil), but, for the most part, a lot of the remaining ladies shouldn't be too difficult to find. So, in order to commence this re-immersion, here are ten ladies I'm eagerly anticipating...

Diahann Carroll, Claudine I'm usually fascinated by stories about African American families struggling to overcome racism and a vicious cycle of poverty. Bonus points: Nick Davis is ecstatic about Carroll's work here.
Stockard Channing, Six Degrees of Separation I always enjoy Stockard Channing. Seriously one of the most underrated actresses around.
Joan Crawford, Sudden Fear Joan's last nomination. Apparently Oscar saved the best for last. I'm optimistic, but it will be hard to top Possessed.
Jessica Lange, Frances Lange plays a mad actress from the 1940's in a highly emotional and excessive way. Sign me up, sign me up!
Carrie Snodgress, Diary of a Mad Housewife I love a good film about a despondent, lonely housewife. Plus, the film was directed by Frank Perry (aka the man who brought us Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest).
Kim Stanley, Séance on a Wet Afternoon Director Bryan Forbes has been 2 for 2 with me in terms of Best Actress nominees he has directed (Caron in The L-Shaped Room, Edith Evans in The Whisperers). Can Stanley make it 3?
Meryl Streep, Ironweed I've heard this is one of Streep's more underrated efforts. Let's see if she can match the quiet hype.
Gloria Swanson, Sadie Thompson Completely fascinated by the 1932 version with Joan Crawford (one of her best performances ever). Interested in what Swanson will be able to do in this silent version.
Liv Ullmann, Face to Face According to many who have been fortunate enough to see it, this is Ullmann's best work. And that's truly saying something about the woman who gave us Persona, Cries and Whispers and Autumn Sonata. Criterion, release this shit soon, please.
Sigourney Weaver, Aliens LOVED her kick-ass Ripley in Alien. Apparently, she's even better here.

...and, on the flip side, here are ten ladies I'm gonna have to be tied down Clockwork Orange-style in order to get through:

Geneviève Bujold, Anne of the Thousand Days A studio-made historical epic from the mid-60's designed purely for Oscar consideration. Shoot me now.
Ava Gardner, Mogambo I've never been particularly fond of Gardner. Combined with Grace Kelly and post-Lombard Clark Gable in a John Ford film sounds like pure torture.
Jennifer Jones, Love Letters The epitome of an actress who slept her way to the top. All of her other nominations have been close to insufferable.
Sarah Miles, Ryan's Daughter A 3.5 hour David Lean epic that's not even as good as the middling The Bridge on the River Kwai. Oscar truly is a sadistic bastard sometimes.
Michelle Pfeiffer, Love Field Not a huge Pfeiffer fan and this sounds like Movie of the Week stuff to me.
Debbie Reynolds, The Unsinkable Molly Brown I normally adore Debbie Reynolds, but I've heard nothing but bad things about this one.
Janet Suzman, Nicholas and Alexandra See Bujold above.
Gene Tierney, Leave Her to Heaven I simply don't get the big deal about her. One man's acting goddess truly is another's vacant dummy.
Kathleen Turner, Peggy Sue Got Married I saw the first twenty minutes a few years ago and was hardly impressed. It's going to take a lot to get me to try this one again.
Loretta Young, Come to the Stable One of the worst Best Actress winners ever is back as a kind and gracious nun. Just...no.

Bad Mommies

On Mother's Day 2007, I wrote this post "honoring" the ten worst mothers in film, TV and even a book. This was a couple months after I started Rants of a Diva and I'm not ashamed to admit that it's not one of the shining moments of my blogging career. I remember at the time having a difficult time trying to come up with ten and that shows in some of the weak choices (why the hell didn't I think of the ultimate bad mommy, Julianne Moore, in any of her numerous roles in this vein?). On top of that, the writing is just horrid, horrid, horrid. If anything, I'd like to forget that this post exists.

But some people out there won't let me. For some reason, this post is constantly the most viewed page on my blog and every three months or so, some anonymous twit makes a stupid comment about the fact that I picked the fabulous Joan Crawford over Catherine Roerva, the psychotic real-life mommy in Dave Pelzer's A Child Called It. Now, listen, by now I hope that anyone who reads this blog regularly knows my general likes and preferences. So, given these two options, which of them am I more likely to pick? Dave Pelzer's books were popular in my junior high and I, of course, read them so I remember all the horrific things she put that poor guy through. I realize that there is just no comparison between locking a child in a non-ventilated bathroom with obnoxious amounts of ammonia and forcing your child to eat a raw steak. If I was Oprah, I'd be shouting, "I get it, peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" But, anonymous commenters, if you had taken ten seconds to look around my site and notice it's name (Diva is in the f-ing title), my sexuality (I post about Zac Efron nearly every week) and my obvious love of Faye Dunaway (see this post), you would see that there is absolutely no way Roerva could beat the unstoppable force of nature that is Dunaway's Joan Crawford. It's not a definitive list of worst mothers ever in order of offenses; it's just a silly list ranked in an somewhat arbitrary order by my silly preferences. So, in summary, please stop e-mailing and commenting about this dumbass post. It's stupid and barely worth defending at this point when I've done other posts I'm so much more proud of.

My Best Actress Winners

Recently, I realized that I've never really shared something very important with you: who I would pick as my Diva Cup Award winners for Best Actress. I've shared with you my recent winners (and I've already changed from Streep to Dench in 2006) but nothing before 2004 or so. In case you're ever curious who I would pick in 1946 or any other random year, here it is for you in beautiful pictorial form starting with 1927/28.

By the way, a note on the 70's, 80's and 90's: I'm a child of TCM. My cinematic awakening coincided with my discovery of films from the 30's and 40's so I watched (and still watch) TCM obsessively. The only problem with that is they usually don't show many films from the 70's, 80's and into the 90's, so that's why I'm noticeably weak there with some of my choices. I hope to someday fill in huge gaps in these years, but my choices for now will have to do.

Row #1: Eleanor Boardman, Lillian Gish, Greta Garbo, Marie Dressler, Joan Crawford

Row #2: Greta Garbo, Norma Shearer, Katherine Hepburn, Jean Harlow, Irene Dunne

Row #3: Katharine Hepburn, Vivien Leigh, Bette Davis, Barbara Stanwyck, Greer Garson

Row #4: Teresa Wright, Judy Garland, Arletty, Ingrid Bergman, Joan Crawford

Row #5: Olivia de Havilland, Olivia de Havilland, Bette Davis and Gloria Swanson, Vivien Leigh, Judy Holliday

Row #6: Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Susan Hayward, Giulietta Masina, Tatyana Samojlova

Row #7: Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe, Shirley MacLaine, Audrey Hepburn, Bette Davis

Row #8: Leslie Caron, Joan Crawford, Catherine Deneuve, Elizabeth Taylor, Anne Bancroft

Row #9: Barbra Streisand, Jane Fonda, Raquel Welch, Jane Fonda, Liza Minnelli

Row #10: Barbra Streisand, Ellen Burstyn, Ronee Blakley, Faye Dunaway, Diane Keaton

Row #11: Jill Clayburgh, Bette Midler, Sissy Spacek, Faye Dunaway, Meryl Streep

Row #12: Julie Walters, Lily Tomlin, Cher, Chloe Webb, Glenn Close

Row #13: Susan Sarandon, Jessica Tandy, Anjelica Huston, Mimi Rogers, Emma Thompson

Row #14: Angela Bassett, Sigourney Weaver, Toni Collette, Brenda Blethyn, Pam Grier

Row #15: Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, Diane Lane

Row #16: Diane Keaton, Imelda Staunton, Joan Allen, Dame Judi Dench, Marion Cotillard

Row #17: Anne Hathaway

See if you can guess the performance at home and if you're confused, just drop me a comment.

When Stars Commit Unintentional Self-Parody: Rants on Torch Song and Hondo

Most of the major stars of the Golden Age of Hollywood had a definable persona and certain character traits. It's what made all of the MGM pictures of the 1930's such massive hits and why certain actors and actresses with limited abilities became popular. But, after awhile, the stars had to adapt their personas with the times, otherwise audiences would get tired of the same old shtick over and over again. By 1953, both Joan Crawford and John Wayne had been stars for years, but their respective films for that year, Torch Song and Hondo, proved that something needed to be changed to keep their careers fresh and free of unintentional self-parody.



Outside of a few pivotal performances, I've always felt that Joan Crawford (the actress, not the mother) has been a tad overrated. When she got a good script/film, as she did in Grand Hotel, The Women, A Woman's Face, Possessed and What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, few could match her. But after wasting countless hours watching her early crap films from MGM in which the only decent thing was Crawford's performance, there's only so much of her saving that I can take. Torch Song (Charles Walters, 1953), her triumphant return to MGM after a 7 year stint at Warner Brothers, is more of the same old crap that her alma mater gave her in the early 30's. Instead of playing a scheming shopgirl, Crawford plays Jenny Stewart, the biggest star on Broadway, and judging by her first scene, also the biggest bitch on Broadway this side of Margot Channing. But that's where any similarities between the two films end, because the entirety of Torch Song isn't as written or acted as well as one line in All About Eve.

The first five minutes of Torch Song are somewhat amusing, with her belittling of her dance partner and the way she drives the composer to drink. But after awhile, it becomes exasperating to see her do the same thing scene after scene: there she goes chewing someone out and, what do you know, she being a major bitch to that poor person there. We also eventually realize that Joan Crawford is the star of this film, damnit, and she'll be damned before she will let any other actor in the film get a chance to give a great performance. I'm actually surprised that Marjorie Rambeau managed to survive, as StinkyLulu so eloquently put it, "Hurricane Joan," and receive an Oscar nomination. Nevermind that it's a nothing performance, just a couple of line readings and she's done, and that it's the most inconsequential nomination, in terms of story impact, since Maria Ouspenskaya in Dodsworth- it's almost a miracle she managed to walk upright after Crawford's whirlwind.

In the end, I feel like Torch Song isn't a film that couldn't have been saved by anyone, let alone Crawford, or one that is actually worth saving. But, for some reason, I kept imagining what Judy Garland would have done with Jenny Stewart and it feels more and more like a great idea as I continue to think about it. Except for the bitchy scenes, the loneliness sections would have fit well in the repertoire of Garland and she would have nailed the musical numbers in ways that Crawford couldn't even imagine.



I must admit that I'm quite a John Wayne fan. I could say that he's a guilty pleasure, given my admiration for Sands of Iwo Jima and True Grit, but there were times when he was an amazing actor (Red River, The Searchers). Unfortunately, Hondo (John Farrow, 1953) is not one of those times. Maybe it's just been awhile since I've seen a Wayne film, but those first ten minutes were excruciating. Wayne has one of the most stylized deliveries in the history of film, but I've never heard him that stylized. I would like to think that Wayne may have been making fun of himself, winking at the audiences expectations, but I don't think that's what he was trying to do. Not only does it not make any sense in the context of the film, but I don't think Wayne had that much of a sense of humor about himself.

Wayne does eventually ease into the role (or maybe the audience excepts his exceptional haminess), but Hondo does not become a great film. It's the classic story of the West: the good frontiersman versus the savage Injuns. I wish I could say I was offended by the film's treatment of Native Americans, but I've seen so many Westerns of this type I've come to expect it (and since when has Old Hollywood ever been a beacon for positive racial stereotypes?). Geraldine Page, who also earned an Oscar nomination along with Rambeau, plays the woman Wayne's Hondo is supposed to protect. I wish I could say I liked it, but Page gives one of the most frustratingly one-dimensional performances I've seen in awhile. Not only was the role nothing special, but everything she said and every gesture she made just fell flat in my opinion.

My Ratings:
Torch Song D+
Hondo D

Everyone's Favorite Mother is Having a Birthday!

Hollywood Royalty Joan Crawford is celebrating her birth today (well, she would be if she was alive). Being a true diva, the year of her birth is widely disputed, so she would either be 100 or 103. If you're not acquainted with Joan's filmography (aside from Mommie Dearest), I highly encourage you to catch something. If you're in a campy mood, you can't go wrong with What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? or Strait-Jacket. If you're in a serious mood, how about Possessed or A Woman's Face. And if you want to have a good laugh, check out Joan in one of her most underrated performances in Love on the Run.

What are you planning on getting Miss Crawford for her birthday? Let me know in the comments.

Who Knew, Vivien Leigh?

A couple of days ago, while I was looking for a certain Bette Davis quote that went with my thought about Amy Ryan, I ran across this quote from Vivien Leigh that made me fall in love with her all over again. You already know I think she gave one of the greatest performances in the history of cinema in Gone With the Wind and that her work in A Streetcar Named Desire was dynamic, to say the least. Well, besides from being an accomplished actress, you can now add "diva extraordinaire" to her impressive resume. After Joan Crawford dropped out of Hush...Hush Sweet Charlotte, her re-teaming with Bette Davis after the mega success of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, the director was looking around frantically for some older actress to fill in for Crawford. Eventually Olivia de Havilland took over, but apparently Leigh was offered the role at one point and had this to say:

"No, thank you. I can just about stand looking at Joan Crawford's face at six o'clock in the morning, but not Bette Davis'."

Oh snap! Isn't this juicy? I had no idea that Leigh could deliver a perfectly bitchy bon mot just as well as Davis, Crawford and Tallullah Bankhead. I'm so impressed with this one quote that I'm moving Vivien Leigh onto the "My Divas" section on the right hand side of the page.

Quick Thought on Amy Ryan

There's this great quote from Bette Davis during her infamous feud with Joan Crawford that goes, "Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Joan Crawford always plays ladies."

Why do I mention this? Because I just finished watching Before the Devil Knows You're Dead and after this and Gone Baby Gone, I have come to the conclusion that Amy Ryan must be the sweetest, nicest person on the planet. Why? Because only someone that nice can play two women so despicable as the ones in these films. Not only did she play the worst mother since Joan Crawford in Gone Baby Gone, but she isn't any more pleasant in Before the Devil. She's less crass, but not much. Ryan is unrelenting in her emasculation of her ex-husband Hank (Ethan Hawke), not letting a minute pass by without mentioning the money he owes. Her next big role is in Clint Eastwood's Changeling and I don't know anything about the role she plays, but I hope she plays someone kind-hearted so she can show what a good person she is (and not be typecast)

Random Top 10: Halloween Costumes I Considered This Year

I haven't really done anything for Halloween in roughly 5 years, but this year I've seriously considered dressing up. While none of these costumes struck my fancy, here are the top 10 people I really want to go as:

*Link courtesy of StinkyLulu

10. Bob Fosse Backup Dancer

I'd get to wear tight black pants and shirt, a black hat and get use jazz hands and all the moves in the above picture all night long...how perfect is that?

9. Miss Jay

Miss Jay (of America's Next Top Model fame) confuses the hell out of me--he/she should appear on one of those "Is it a man or a woman?" episodes of Maury--so it would be fun to wear male clothing and then put on makeup and do my hair all funky.

8. TomKat (+ Suri)

I would need a partner to do this one with. Tom would be normal, but Katie would have to be attached to Tom by a chain of some sort. And then Katie would have to hold a baby doll, pretending it was Suri, and then cover it up so no one can see it.

7. Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth

It has to be Dame Judi's interpretation of the Queen, because she is the most fun and divalicious. The only problem with this costume is that it might be a tad over the top.

6. Britney Spears (either as a mom or at the VMA's this year)

To be Britney the mother, basically I would hold a baby doll with one hand at the weirdest and worst angles (possibly by a foot or something) and sipping a Starbucks drink in the other hand. To be Britney at the VMA's, I need to wear something whorish, put on a really bad blonde wig and then dance around all dazed and confused.

5. Pregnant Nun

I think the above picture says it all.

4. Sgt. Dignam

This is an easy one for me. Shirt and tie, smart ass attitude and say "fuck" every other word. Hell, except for the shirt and tie, this is me everyday.

3. Link Larkin

How cute would I be with the Link curl in my hair and a cute little cardigan sweater?

2. Sheba Hart (Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal)

I just want to have a reason to run around screaming "Here I am" at the top of my lungs, and by going as Sheba Hart (with the running mascara) I would get that opportunity.

1. Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford

I've been thinking about this costume for awhile and I think this will be the winner. I'm going to pull my hair back with a head band, have someone draw on exaggerated eyebrows, carry around a wire hanger and speak loudly with a rising intonation. Now this is a scary costume.

Happy Mother's Day! Top 10 Worst Mothers

In order to celebrate Mother’s Day today, I thought I would come up with a list of some sort celebrating mothers. At first, I wanted to make one about great mothers, but I thought that would be too easy. Then I decided to come up with a list of the worst mothers from movies and TV (and even one real life example). So, if you feel like a shitty mother one day, just take a look at this list and realize you could be a lot worse.

10. Viola Fields in Monster in Law
Okay, so she’s technically a mother-in-law, but she’s still one of the most monstrous ones I have ever seen in a film. She’s mean and hilarious at the same time- a potent combination. Who but Jane Fonda could make pouring nuts into J. Lo’s gravy (she’s allergic) both psychotic and funny at the same time?

9. Mrs. Bates in Psycho
You never see her in the film, but just from the way Norman speaks about her we can understand why he is as screwed up as he is. She smothered him and virtually kept him a prisoner in his own home by not permitting any social interaction with anyone but herself. Even in death, she controls Norman’s life and makes him feel guilty for feeling an attraction towards Marion.

8. Julie Cooper-Nichol on The O.C.
Until she mellowed out a bit during the last season, Julie Cooper-Nichol was the most uncaring, unsympathetic mother around. She didn’t give a crap about her children’s happiness (trying desperately to break up Marissa and Ryan) and went off marrying and divorcing rich men because she needed the money.

7. Lilly Dillon in The Grifters
I haven’t seen this film in a couple of years, but it’s hard to forget what a terrible mother Anjelica Huston’s Lilly is to her son John Cusack. Just watch the last scene and you'll see what I mean.


6. Margaret White in Carrie
What a nutcase! Carrie’s religious whacko mom is one of the creepiest mothers around. I saw the film again last summer and I couldn’t believe how horrible she was to Carrie- locking her in closets and preaching the Bible like Robert Mitchum’s creepy minister in The Night of the Hunter.

5. Beth Jarret in Ordinary People
Unlike many of the other mother’s on this list, Beth’s horrible parenting is purely psychological as opposed to verbal or physical. Her son Conrad craves love from her, but she denies it to him throughout the whole movie and becomes a monster on par with Joan Crawford.

4. Gloria Hodge on Desperate Housewives
I wanted to like Gloria whenever she first made an appearance at Wisteria Lane because I thought Orson was such an awful person. But after a couple of episodes, we quickly realized that she is the monster in the mother-son relationship. I still remember my ultimate horror during her last episode and her near murder of Bree (my favorite housewife) and her whacking of Andrew on the head to keep him from saving her. Thank God she had that stroke and couldn’t move again.

3. Mrs. Iselin in The Manchurian Candidate
What kind of a mother would willingly allow for her son to be brainwashed and then control him through a deck of cards (and then sneak in a little incest on top of it)? Mrs. Iselin, of course, in both versions of The Manchurian Candidate. It’s especially jarring because the actresses who have played her (Angela Landsbury and Meryl Streep) are both so likeable and Mrs. Iselin definitely isn’t.

2. Catherine Roerva in A Child Called It
For anyone who has read this book, you know that she took the term “abusive mother” to the extreme toward her son who eventually wrote the book. The atrocious abuse she inflicted upon him repulsed me made me cringe. I never thought that a human being could be this relentlessly cruel, but she made me see that it has happened and may happen again.

1. Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest
Okay, you knew it was coming. The ultimate bad mother takes her well deserved position at number one. From her forcing her child to eat raw, bloody meat to waking her daughter up in the middle of the night because of wire hangers in the closet and her constant verbal abuse, the depiction of Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest (who knows if that’s what actually happened or the payback of a bitter child) is the absolute, most horrifying mother in cinematic history.