100 Hot Men and a Dame: #91 David Henrie

  

91. David Henrie

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: American

Age: 22

Best Known For: Playing the nerdy (yet still smoking hot) older brother to Selena Gomez on Disney's best sitcom Wizards of Waverly Place.

To help me discuss this teenage idol transitioning into adulthood, I have my good friend and birthday twin--we were born on the exact same day!--Will (you can follow him on Twitter here) here with me. I hope you have fun reading this post!

Dame James: When did you first encounter David and, if it wasn't love at first sight, when did you fall in love with him?

Will: I love that the first entry that I'm going to be featured on is also the one that's going to make me feel the creepiest.

I'm trying to remember how I possibly could have started watching Wizards of Waverly Place. I really can't remember specifically, but I started watching it at some point when I was in college with a friend of mine. There may or may not have been a Saturday afternoon in which we rushed over to another friend's house to watch the Wizards of Waverly Place movie.

And by may or may not have been, I mean there absolutely was.

Once I discovered that the show was streaming on Netflix, it was pretty much over for me. I spent a lot of nights eating goldfish and watching it after coming home from a night out.

I feel like some of the first episodes I watched were a little ... early in the show's run, so he was a little young for me to (comfortably admit) to ogling ... but he's definitely grown UP, hasn't he?

My desire to ogle him has developed over time and crept up on me. It still feels a tad creepy to say, but what are you gonna do? Maybe inside every homosexual, there's a 13-year old fan girl.

DJ: I think my first encounter with David was on a whim as well, but I'll never ever forget it. I was sitting in my dorm room, bored on a Friday afternoon, when I happened to flip past Disney. With nothing better on, I left it and Wizards of Waverly Place was on. Not just any episode, oh no, it was the one where David's Justin Russo starts playing baseball to impress a girl. I'm sure you are aware I have a "thing" for guys in baseball uniforms so this was an immediate attention grabber. It was until much later that I truly fell in love with him and the show, but I can definitely say this was a fantastic introduction.

I didn't watch the show, much less think about it, for months until I happened to hear that they were doing a silent movie parody and that David would be dressing up as Charlie Chaplin. As a huge Chaplin fan, I knew I had to check this out. Like you, I discovered it was streaming on Netflix and, coming after my devouring of Sonny With a Chance and JONAS (back when it was actually a comedy), I was a goner. This episode, in particular, really turned me on to both the show and David. I've seen it at least three times and the silent movie section only looks better with each viewing. And who knew that this Disney actor could do such a fantastic Chaplin imitation?! From the nose twitching to the dead eyes, David really did justice to such an inimitable icon. It's the moment I truly fell for him, which I think is saying a lot because he has only proven himself to be a more diverse comedian (and hotter guy) as the show goes on.

I must say I'm a bit confused about why you feel creepy talking about David. He's only a year younger than us, so by the time you started watching him, he had to have been 18. Is it simply the Disney stigma, which forbids you to feel any sexual desire for any of its stars (unless it will help them make more money and only if they apologize and cite ignorance whenever a controversy erupts--hey Miley!)? Or is it because we've seen him grow up from a teen twink to a very mature young man right before our very eyes? I can understand that moreso, as it's in that same category of unspeakable sexual desire as watching a friend you've known since childhood mature into an adult. But a) I've never really seen David as a "Disney star" in the same way Miley, Selena, Demi & the Jonases were/are. He has always been the rare Disney actor who was never pushed to be a mega heartthrob teen idol. If anything, David has kind of been left alone to develop his craft and become a legit actor in his own right, which doesn't happen every day in the House of Mouse. And b) I could feel guilty/dirty but then I look at that bangin' hot body and I forget how to think.

Will: You have a thing for baseball uniforms?! You NEVER talk about it.

DJ: You're an asshole.

Will: I think the reason it feels creepy to talk about is that, like you said, the way the Disney machine has perfected the art of keeping their stars in a state of arrested adolescence through savvy media manipulation and careful control over their images. This has blown up in their face a few times (i.e. Miley, Demi, etc.), but they still do it ... mostly, I think, because it lets them sell 'sex' to its maturing audience while wearing a 'family friendly' badge. Parents will put their kids in front of it, but the Disney channel is definitely aiming to get their hooks into its audience by appealing to their growing libidos.

But all of this is really besides the point, isn't it? People aren't reading this for a treatise on the Disney channel star model. Let's talk about David Henrie's essential doability.

Do you remember when you first noticed that he was really filling out nicely? Because it sort of seemed like overnight he went from the goofball twink of the earlier episodes to jacked and practically busting out of his wardrobe. I'm wondering if it might not be one of these between seasons things that happens sometimes (see Hunter Parrish in Weeds ... no seriously, look at him). I fell out of watching Wizards of Waverly Place for a little while, and, when I watched some newer episodes, I definitely registered a difference.

There's an episode that involves the younger brother becoming a girl or something (?) that involves a karate class of some kind, and there's a slapsticky scene of the little girl totally kicking his ass and he's wearing clingy shirt and rolling around on a mat and crawling and jumping around so you get little flashes of his stomach and his hips...well, it was not what I had remembered from the show.

DJ: You make a great point about David going from twink to buffed out hottie overnight. At the mercy of whatever Disney decided to air, I watched most of the episodes completely out of order, so I never got that sense of "Holy fuck, when did this happen?!" But if you look back at earlier episodes, there is an extremely noticeable difference. For the better, I must add. He was always a cutie, but when his body filled out, he became almost unbelievably attractive. Similar to what happened with Hunter Parrish, now that you mention it.

Justin & Zeke: A Lovers Quarrel?

One of my running jokes while watching the first couple seasons of Wizards was that David's character Justin was a homosexual in love with his equally gay "best friend" Zeke. We all know Disney would never deliberately write a gay character in one of its shows, but making fun of all the effeminate things he did was part of the reason I fell in love with him. Do you think David deliberately played Justin as gay or, as a gay man, am I just accustomed to reading between the lines far too much to find gay characters wherever I can? I can see me making this all up in my head, but in the first few seasons there is at least one moment in every episode that deserves a #JustinRussoIsAMo hashtag. I think there are far too many instances for me to be overreacting.

Will: I think you're probably reading way too much into it, but I've noticed that's an epidemic in the gay community. We're constantly starving for decent gay characters anywhere. So at the first sign of a theatrical hand motion or a character with a love of hair products, we get rainbows in our eyes and a million Tumblrs explode with GIFs and capital letters.

All of that being said, I'd be willing to bet my dibs on Charlie Day that you can find a slash fiction about Justin and Zeke on the Internet somewhere. I mean, there are apparently people writing slash fiction about one of the guys from Supernatural and HIS CAR, so...

DJ: One time, someone sent me a link to slash fiction featuring David, Nick Jonas, Sterling Knight & Gregg Sulkin, so, yeah, I'll believe that any sort of slash fiction imaginable exists.

Like I said, it's perfectly reasonable that I'm digging far too deep into Justin & Zeke. Lord knows I'm looking for gays everywhere and am usually pretty good at spotting them on TV before they get their big coming out moment. But it can't just be a coincidence that as soon as I started talking about this on Twitter they decided to hook up Zeke with Harper and tone down Justin's more feminine traits, hm?

Before we go, I just want to say one final thing about David's appearance on this list. While there's no doubt about the fact that he's a mega hottie, he didn't make it on here based solely on that. In the Disney stable, there is a line of charismatic hotties or hotties-in-training, including Sterling Knight (who is charismatic as hell but hasn't quite grown into his looks), David's Wizards co-stars Gregg Sulkin (bangin' body, not sure about his talent yet) and Jake T. Austin (underage, sadly), and Zeke & Luther star Hutch Dano (who has proven himself comedically but isn't one of my favorites yet). I obviously couldn't include all of them, so I chose David as a representative, a figurehead, if you will, for all of these guys. But don't take this as a slight against him! David, especially for his age, has the looks and the talent to make it on this list on his own. What do you think? Does David make your heart go boom-boom or is he just another forgettable Disney star?

100 Hot Men and a Dame: #97 Jeremy Irons

97. Jeremy Irons

Occupation: Actor

Nationality: British

Age: 62

Peak of Hotness: The 1980's

Best Known For: Oscar, Emmy & Tony Award winning acting legend. Star of such notable films as The French Lieutenant's Woman, Dead Ringers, Reversal of Fortune and, of course, The Lion King.

For this installment, I sought help from my friend Joel. We met a little over a year ago and have a shared passion for classic cinema, although you wouldn't know it from the way we seem to disagree about nearly everything. He's not really into Jeremy Irons in the same way I am, but he has a thing for respectable British thespians--his favorite actor is Richard Burton--so I forced him to help me out. Plus, he's incredibly smart and witty, which never hurts. I've tried to force him to get a blog or a Twitter but no go. One of these days he'll share his snark with the world! But until that day, here he is on my blog.

Dame James:  When did you first encounter Jeremy and when did you first realize how awesome he is?

Joel:  Umm, I knew the name since I can really remember but that's my creepy memory. I think the first movie that I saw with him in it prominently or at least that I noticed him in though was Damage and I was really impressed by that. So that would have to be my answer to both. This was about two and half years ago?

DJ: I'm pretty much the same way with Jeremy. He's always just sorta been there, hasn't he? I know I've known of him since at least The Lion King. But at six, I wasn't exactly interested in Jeremy Irons the person. He was just the awesome bad guy (I had a total thing for the bad guy in every Disney movie). Now, though, I'm totally like "Goddamn, Jeremy Irons is the man in that movie!"

It feels kinda weird labeling Jeremy Irons as "sexy" or "attractive" because, although he has a generally good looking appearance, he's hardly a looker. We all know the real reason I am, at least, attracted to him is because of that voice. My God, that voice! It's so rich and full and deep and British. I recently watched the miniseries version of Brideshead Revisited--ten hours of listening to him speak and I felt like I was in heaven. To modify a Nicki Minaj lyric "He just gotta talk and the panties comin' off, off." His good looks combined with that voice make Jeremy a very desirable fellow? What do you think of the voice? Does it add to his appeal for you? Also, I know you're a fan of the diction of British actors like O'Toole and Burton. How does it compare to their infamous voices?

J: I guess I didn't really connect that that was him in The Lion King but I was also never as interested as most kids were when that came out. It was never my favorite, too sappy. "Be Prepared" was a jam for me though then and it shows that he can kinda sing. He's very suave, I'd say. That'd be a good word to describe him. I don't find him attractive at all though I'd say he just stops short of being unattractive. His voice is good but I view it as more of an Alan Rickman kind of voice. They both are very distinctive and great but I can't understand how anyone would find him attractive. Maybe if he were whispering sweet nothings instead of the creepy things that he is always saying in his movies. And he admittedly chooses odd films. I feel like I need to see Dead Ringers and then I would know even more about him. He's kind of that British guy who's cultured, classy and dark with hidden secrets that women really seem to like. Kinda like Dirk Bogarde and Richard Burton before Liz got all over him. Like the kind of guys that Olivier played in the forties and thirties or dark Cary Grant. When they're trying to kill their wives.

DJ: "Be Prepared": The best homage to Nazism since the fall of the Third Reich? I am beyond obsessed with that song. I have quite a few Disney songs on my iPod and I listen to it far more than nearly any of the others. I like Jeremy's speak-sing voice and find it far more interesting than Rex Harrison's far more celebrated musical stylings.

I think you make a great point regarding the relationship between his attractiveness and the types of roles he takes. Personally, I don't think I would find him as desirable if it weren't for all of the Dead Ringers/Reversal of Fortunes/Damages in his filmography. As creepy as those roles are, they kind of define Jeremy as an actor and what he is best at. If he did a movie where he was whispering sweet nothings, I don't know if I would buy it. He's just fucking creepy and that's it. Not that that's a dealbreaker by any means.

And I know you listed all of those guys as creepers we're not supposed to find attractive, but how bad is it I found them all the sexiest (give or take Grant) in those types of roles?

So you find Jeremy suave but just short of attractive. I can live with that. And that's all I ask since I made you do this against your will. Any final thoughts on Jeremy?

J: Jeremy uses his looks to his advantage. He has a dark complexion as well, so it lends more easily to darker, more complex characters. It involves the audience in it more closely and intensely because he is often doing repulsive things. Like in Damage, even though we loved him originally. He was so powerful and attractive. Or in M. Butterfly, where we all think he's crazy, giving up his entire life and everything in his obsession. But Jeremy's always classy. He's like bad Hugh Grant, if Hugh Grant is going to sleep with sister-in-laws and conspire as opposed to fop around or just make weird witticisms.

DJ: Agreed on all counts. And I shall leave you with this article entitled Jeremy Irons: A Pat on the Bottom Shouldn't End in Court, aka the best article title in the history of journalism.

So what do you all think of Jeremy? Does The Voice make him any more attractive in your eyes? And what about his hot son, Max (pictured above)? Hubba hubba, am I right?

30 Day Film Challenge: Day 29

Day 29: Your Favorite Film as a Kid

Aladdin (Ron Clements and John Musker, 1992)

It has always surprised me that, given the gay boy I became, my favorite Disney film when I was a kid was the one straight boys loved as well. Who'd have guessed it?

Random Top 10: Sonny With a Chance Moments

With the recent news that Demi Lovato is leaving Sonny With a Chance to focus on her music career, I think it's time to bid a proper adieu to the beloved Disney show. The show had already announced that it was changing names (So Random!) and formats (sketch comedy), but Demi leaving is the final nail in the coffin. No one watches the show for the sketches, and without Demi, the show will be missing a vital ingredient that made it a success in the first place. Sterling Knight and Tiffany Thornton will have no one to bounce their insanity off of and it will be a total mess. But instead of dwelling on the negative, I want to celebrate this fabulous show. Sonny With a Chance proved to me that Disney shows could be as legit as network TV and got me watching Wizards of Waverly Place another amazing "kiddie" show. Their epic first season should have nabbed a few Emmys, while the second season, although not as strong overall, showed at least once an episode that the show was just as cutting edge as it was in the past. I will miss this show dearly. Let's take this opportunity to honor some of the best moments the show has given us as a way of saying thank you to Demi, Tiffany, Sterling and company for two seasons of pure joy.

10. The Real Princesses of New Jersey sketch on "So Random Holiday"

"Hey, yo, I walked the five feet to the front door so how 'bout a lil' somethin'-somethin' for your Prince Carmine, ya know what I'm sayin'?"

As a general rule, the sketches on So Random!, the show-within-a-show on Sonny With a Chance, are flat and uninspired, an opportunity for lowbrow humor before we get to the real show. But during a special holiday-themed episode filled with So Random! sketches this past season, this gem emerged. The ladies had previously done this sketch earlier in the season, and it turned out surprisingly well, but adding Sterling Knight as a guido Prince Charming proved to be the missing ingredient that pushed this sketch over the top. How can you not immediately love a sketch that features the SWAC cast parodying Jersey Shore, Demi/Sonny screeching "What am I, an animal?!" or a casual reference to Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road? Springsteen! On a Disney show! Imagine that.

09. Chad and Tawni's Conversation in "With a Chance of Dating"

Sterling and Tiffany were rarely afforded the chance to work together, but whenever they did, they immediately clicked. My favorite moment between them is when they are discussing Sonny's upcoming date with a former flame of Tawni's, mainly because of this awesome exchange:

 

Chad: Why do you want him to back off?

Tawni: Why are you wearing a bib?
Chad: Jealous?

Tawni: I have my own bib!

08. 'High School Miserable'

One of the reasons I loved Sonny With a Chance so much was because of its fearless ability to comment on the conventions of tweenage celebrity and the culture that goes with it. Sonny With a Chance couldn't exist without the Disney Channel and its never ending parade of stars, shows and movies. In this episode, the cast has been fired from So Random! and are forced to go to a public high school. Accustomed to the life of Disney celebrity, the gang (minus Sonny) have no idea how to function in a normal high school setting. When they are rejected by everyone in the school, they start expressing their feelings through song. An onlooker asks Sonny what they are doing. She, shaking her head, says, "Apparently the only high school they know is the musical one." Begrudgingly, Sonny leads a choreographed number straight out of High School Musical. Instead of joining in on the routine, however, the rest of the cafeteria starts booing while throwing their trash at them. The delicious joke at the end which makes this sequence a hilarious send off to Disney's biggest hit: Sonny telling her booing classmates, "Seriously, guys? We just made all of that up!"

07. "Eat carbs, you animals!"

Tiffany Thornton has had many, many wonderful moments as self-absorbed diva Tawni Hart, battling Sonny for the spotlight or indulging in her own vanity. There is this really great moment in the episode "Fast Friends" where Tawni steals the show by (momentarily) helping Sonny out. Sonny has just done an interview where, inadvertently, she goes all "diva crazy" on Chad. She goes to the cafeteria, hoping to get him to admit that it was all a misunderstanding, but is immediately pelted with food by angry people ("There she is. There's the monster!"). Sonny enlists Tawni to cover her while she goes to speak to Chad. Tawni starts throwing rolls at the angry people, shouting "Eat carbs, you animals!" It's a simple moment, but Thornton completely nails it.

06. Chad Being Chad in "Sonny and the Studio Brat"

Chad Dylan Cooper is a one-of-a-kind character and I still stand by my belief that Sterling Knight should have gotten at the very least an Emmy nomination for bringing this character to life. "Sonny and the Studio Brat" isn't his episode, per se, but he does steal scenes like a motherfucking criminal. Witness some of his finest moments right here:

Sonny: Chad, you're so superficial.

 Chad: All I hear when you say that is, "Chad, you're so super blah blah blah blah"

Sonny: I have the sweetest girl here and she really wants to meet you.

Chad: Ooooh, what's she look like?

Sonny: She's nine.

Chad: *hangs up*

 

"Oh daddy?!"

05. Gassie's Funeral

There was a moment in the first two and a half episodes of the second season of Sonny With a Chance where I thought the show had lost the spark that made it so great the first season. The third episode started off with a whimper--the farting dog from one of So Random!'s most popular sketches has suddenly past away thanks to Sonny giving the unloved dog too much attention--but ended with a massive bang that proved the show was just as biting as ever. Chad offers to throw a memorial for Gassie since Sonny is too distraught to do it. She wants a tasteful ceremony which is Chad's cue to throw an extravagant memorial complete with a choir and speeches from his co-stars. While Chad is directing the whole memorial and Tawni is turning her eulogy into yet another attempt to make everything about her, Nico and Grady are trying to make a buck selling useless farting lunchboxes as memorial souvenirs. Coming just 8 months after the death of Michael Jackson and the media circus surrounding his funeral that everyone, even members of his family, took advantage of for their own gain, this is a biting commentary on the state of celebrity deaths circa 2010 ("You saw him as nothing more than a tooting ATM.").

04. "WHY SO SERIOUS?"

Tawni, spending a couple of days without looking in the mirror, ends up looking like The Joker. It's a funny moment that proved that Sonny With a Chance, unlike some other Disney shows, isn't trapped in its own little world and can make suitable pop culture references with the best of them.

03. Sonny and Chad's Fake Date

"Now smile like you're having the time of your life."

From the moment Sonny and Chad first met, sparks flew and it was only a matter of time before they would become the biggest "will they or won't they?" couple in all of TV. It took a couple of episodes, but the Sonny With a Chance writers finally started letting them explore their feelings for each other in this episode by putting them together on a "fake" date to get revenge on a guy who done Sonny wrong. The date starts off with the typical banter that comes from putting Sonny and Chad in the same room ("If we're gonna hold hands, you have to switch sides...This is my hand-holding hand!") but slowly progresses to a point where they are "hypothetically" expressing their desire to date each other. Of course, their original mission interrupts any further attempt at exploring feelings, but it's still a total squee-worthy moment. Another reason this scene is amazing: I believe it's the first time we hear Chad's infamous sign-off "Peace out, suckas! Aaaah!"

02. Banning Zac Efron

"Because it's my wall. And I like saying I banned Zac Efron. There will come a day when Zac Efron comes knocking on that door and he's like, 'Hey, can I come in.' And I'll be like 'Oh no. You're banned."

 

The rivalry between tween heartthrob Chad Dylan Cooper and his more widely-popular foe Zac Efron made for some of the best in-jokes on the show, especially since Sterling Knight is friends with Efron in real life. CDC may be the greatest actor of his generation but the popularity of Efron is something he will always be trying to achieve.

01. "Battle of the Networks' Stars"

I'm choosing the entire episode because how can I be forced to single out one moment from the greatest episode the show ever created? "Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a brilliant synthesis of comedy for Disney's main demographic (children) and a more mature, meta commentary on these tween celebrities. The episode is about Chad directing a movie of his life. After trying to find suitable actors to portray the "losers from So Random!--no offense," Chad relents by allowing the real people play themselves. Except Sonny, that is, who is forced to audition for her role ("This is Sonny Munroe reading for the part of Sonny Munroe"). Before she's even finished, Chad has hired fellow Disney thespian Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato's best friend in real life at the time, to portray Sonny. Shenanigans ensue, which include Sonny calling Selena, in an obvious reference to her role on Wizards of Waverly Place, a "relationship wizard" when she calls Sonny out on liking Chad, and Selena mentioning that she was in a movie called Camp Hip-Hop, referring to Demi's breakout Disney movie. The episodes culminates in a scene on the set of Chad Dylan Cooper: The Chad Dylan Cooper Story. In a move straight out of Synecdoche, New York, Selena has hired Sonny as her "Sonny consultant" to help her get more into character. Mad at Chad, or attempting to hide her true feelings for him, she interrupts shooting a few times, reminding Selena that when Chad's "staring into your eyes, he's really staring at his reflection in your eyes." After calling him "the worst actor of our generation," Chad explodes and they erupt into the most passionately angry fight I've ever seen on a Disney show. I thought for sure they were going to jump each other.

Besides being a truly hilarious episode--even Nico, after spending time with lookalikes of himself and Grady who know how to get girls, gets a funny line: "Maybe they can teach us to be better versions of ourselves"--"Battle of the Networks' Stars" is a sly exploration of Sonny and Chad's relationship. Chad's movie recreates key moments in the Sonny and Chad relationship we've seen on Sonny With a Chance, but Chad has tweaked them so that Sonny has fallen in love with him. Is this simply an ego boost for Chad, a reminder that he can get any girl to fall in love with him, or is it wishful thinking on his part? And after Selena insists that Sonny has feelings for Chad, Sonny decides to don a cloak and wizard hat to become "relationship wizard" Selena, just as Selena has become Sonny. It's a great visual gag, and it does allow Chad to call Sonny "Scary Potter," but it's also a defense mechanism for Sonny. She becomes Selena as a way of distracting herself from the fact that what Selena said may be true. The fact that Sonny With a Chance chooses to portray the Sonny and Chad relationship in this manner is truly astounding; the fact that it does this while also being hilariously quotable is further proof that this was not just another Disney show.

A Birthday Tribute to My Dear Friend Kelli

One of my best friends on the planet is turning 23 today. So, as a way of celebrating this joyous occasion, I thought I'd make a post full of things that remind me of her. Happy birthday, Kelli!

"Oh, uh, don't worry, Tawni. You'll find someone."

Please Remember. Don't Surrender.

When I came home from class tonight to the devastating news that Disney starlet and Rants of a Diva fave Demi Lovato had left her current tour with the Jonas Brothers to admit herself into a treatment center to address "physical and emotional issues," I had quite mixed emotions about the whole affair. On one hand, the suddenness and severity of the news caught me completely off guard. Usually, an inevitable announcement like this comes in stages after weeks or even months of erratic behavior reported vociferously by the press. I was around during the glory days of Brit's and Lindsay's (early) meltdowns, so I'm well aware of how these things are usually handled in the press. But Disney must have been working overtime trying to cover all the tracks because this announcement totally blind sided everyone.

On the other hand, when you sit down and think about it after the initial shock has passed, the news is not that surprising. Of the three main Disney girls (Miley & Selena being the other two), I've always thought of Demi as the goddess of the House of Mouse: beautiful, talented, friendly yet not entirely knowable. She's put on this pedestal for all to admire yet I have always gotten the sense that there was more to her than her public persona ever gave away, a sadness that she had to keep hidden. And, ironically, this makes her the most human of the three girls. Negative, hateful press affected her more than anyone; Selena is far too "new" to the mainstream while Miley has been dealing with it longer and has developed a thick skin. The never ending stress of being a highly valuable Disney star certainly took its toll on her. I remember reading her Twitter during the summer of '09 when she was shooting Camp Rock 2 and she was lamenting about how exhausted she was by her non-stop schedule. This is probably something every celebrity has done from time to time, especially with the advent of Twitter, but there was a note of desperate sadness that I've never forgotten. Plus, you can't forget that this is a woman who was shooting a movie in Toronto while on a hiatus from a nationwide, headlining tour while in the midst of promoting her sophomore album who, after the movie wrapped, would go right back to her tour and then rush back to make more episodes of her sitcom. Add to that the fact that she was only 16 or 17 at the time and her exhaustion makes perfect sense. Child stars never have it easy and it takes an incredibly strong person to weather half the shit many of the Disney stars of today have to go through.

If nothing else, the one event that catapulted Demi to the mainstream quicker than anything else was the announcement that she and Joe Jonas had taken their friendship to a whole new level. From the start, the relationship smelled fishy, and, sure enough, the relationship lasted mere months; Demi and Joe, however, assured everyone that they would remain professional. While I would never question Demi's professionalism, I did wonder how exactly she would react in public about the whole ordeal. Although she hasn't gone quite as far as Taylor Swift in talking about her relationships in public, we can't forget that this is the same woman who, after being asked how her best friend at the time Selena Gomez was doing, quipped "Ask Taylor [Swift]" with a sarcastic grin on her face. She got a good one in on Joe during this concert in Brazil, but for all her apparent bitterness, you know the whole ordeal hurt her more than she let on. You can only be so tough for so long. And when your ex is flaunting his new girlfriend (Joe has been apparently dating Twilight star Ashley Greene for a month or so) in front of your face, and you're stuck with him for months on end, that has to be next to impossible to deal with.

When the news of Demi entering a treatment facility first broke, the speculation about the reasons for her entering was rampant. Was it drugs? Mental illness? An alleged fight she got into while on tour? Finally, the apparent causes reared their ugly head and it was even sadder than anyone imagined: self-mutilation and an eating disorder stemming from her long history of being bullied. She's often spoken out against bullying, admitting that she was bullied so severely in middle school she had to leave to get home schooled. The fact that she's been so traumatized by this that she is still dealing with it years later, and in unhealthy ways, is heartbreaking. I wish Demi a speedy recovery, but I don't want to see her until she is back to 100%. None of this Lindsay Lohan bullshit, spending 30 days in recovery, telling everyone "I'm fine" and then back to your old habits. I don't care how long it takes. I just want my Demi happy and healthy. We love you, gurl, and have nothing but positive energy for you.

7 Things About Miley Cyrus' Autobiography Miles to Go

01. Miles to Go only covers four years in the life of Miley: from the time she first auditioned for Hannah Montana at 12 to the time of the book's publication at 16. Given that microscopic period of time, the book is 260 goddamn pages! Granted, the type is enormous and I'm pretty sure it's triple-spaced, but still. I couldn't even fill 50 pages about those four years. And it's not like much happened to her. Sure, she's the Queen of Disney, but she devotes most of the book to her homespun wisdom about being yourself, Christian values and quality family time. Bitch please. We don't want to read that. We wanna hear about all of your celebrity exploits and run-ins with tween celebrities.

02. The notes on the side are cute at first. But by page 70, they're kinda annoying.

03. I love that she openly admits to not liking Emily Osment during the course of the first two seasons of Hannah Montana. Of course, they somehow overcome their differences and are now BFFs, but the moments she describes of tension between them are some of the only genuine, unfiltered moments in the entire book.

04. Miley, gurl, there's no point giving your former boyfriend that you ended up writing '7 Things' about the nickname "Prince Charming." We all know it's Nick Jonas. And where's the dirt?! Come on, pull a Taylor Swift and give us some juicy details.

05. "During the TV series, I'd become more and more of a Method actor. In Method acting you use experiences from real life to summon emotions for your character." I literally cannot believe she had the balls to say this. According to Miley, she should be considered along with her peers like Brando, Clift and Dean. And to think that before this I considered Brenda Song as one of her acting contemporaries.

06. Very briefly, Miley mentions her friend Lesley. As in, "My best friend Lesley said, 'Oh, she's just being Miley.'" I'm such a nerd I nearly did the gay inhale.

07. I'm glad that she's so close with her family and that they tried their damnedest to live a "normal" life. But after awhile they come off not as mere mortals but as Saint Billy Ray and Tish. It's so annoying listening to her go on and on about how great they are, how they are always there for her, how they always put the family before any of the fame stuff, etc. We get it, they're better than my parents. Let's move on.

So, overall, the book is a C-. Not horrible for this type of book and definitely not as bad as you'd expect with Miley as a co-author. Also, it wasn't nearly as difficult to get through as either of the Twilight books I bothered to read. I wish she was more revealing but I also understand why she can't. Still, I can't wait for another 10 years, after she's gone completely slutty, when we get a tell-all book about our beloved tween stars. Maybe she can title it Miley: Still Not Tamed, Motherfucker.

"I've got to talk to you about something."

Chad: Is this about our date?

Sonny: Yes, I just...I think we need to call it off.

Chad: What, is this about me not telling you how things play out between Mac and Chloe?

Sonny: No, I seriously don't care about them or The Falls right now. I just...I think I rushed into something I didn't fully think through.

Chad: That hurts me, Sonny.

Sonny: I'm sorry.


Chad: How could you say you don't care about The Falls?

Sonny: Whoa, whoa, wait. What are you more upset about: the fact that I'm calling off our date or that I'm over The Falls?


Chad: [Pauses] That's a toughie.

Sonny: That's a toughie?

Chad: Well, if you date me, you date The Falls. So if you hurt one of us, you hurt us both.

Sonny: Oh my Gosh. I can't believe I was so close to going on a date with you. What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't thinking...

Chad: Yeah, and ironically this is a drama free zone so...SECURITY!

Sonny: Let me tell you something, 24 hours ago I fell in love with a guy named Mackenzie and you, Chad, are no...


Chad: Don't say Mackenzie. DO NOT say Mackenzie.

Sonny: ...Mackenzie


Chad: That's it, she said it. Where's my security? You are no longer welcome at The Falls!


Sonny: You said Falls!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Miley is Officially a Pop Star

While others with more refined musical palettes have been blasting the new Scissor Sisters and Kylie Minogue albums the past couple of days, I have had the new Miley Cyrus album on repeat. Believe it or not, and let me be the first to say that I was skeptical at first, Can't Be Tamed is a stunner. We heard the possibilities in 'See You Again' and 'Party in the USA,' but this album proves once and for all that Miley is a bonafide pop star.

Let's start with the album title. Can't Be Tamed is quite possibly the most brilliant title for a teenage vixen's album since Brit's Oops!...I Did It Again. Miley has been continuously pushing the boundaries of her Disney persona, following a cycle of blatantly flaunting her sexuality and then apologizing while remarking that people "just don't get it." With Can't Be Tamed presumably announcing her as this wild, uninhibited 17-year-old looking for some penis and a good time, Miley has been on a tear lately, making out with a chick on Britain's Got Talent and continuously wearing controversially sexy outfits every time she performs live on TV. Critics have been harassing her for weeks about this, but, honestly, this is exactly what she wants people to do. Miley, like Britney and Jessica Simpson before her, is smarter than we give her credit for. She knows that by doing these slightly outrageous acts, she'll get far more attention from the haters than if she played it safe. Every time a negative report about her rampant sexuality comes on, you know Miley's sitting at home, probably munching on some Pringles, laughing her ass off at all these people who say they are sick of her yet can't stop reporting on her every move. Miley has us right where she wants us and there's nothing we can do to escape it. I don't know about you, but I'm kind of excited.

As for the album, Can't Be Tamed is nowhere near as suggestive as the title implies. Mostly, the album is a great big "Fuck you" to Disney and her former life as a tween star. This bitch is ready to move on and if that means leaving behind her fanbase of nine year olds, so be it. The album's opening track, the strangely titled 'Liberty Walk,' at first sounds like a silly opener. After a couple listens, however, it quickly becomes apparent that this song is Miley's mission statement for the album. "It's a liberty walk," she sings over the chorus, "Free yourself, slam the door, not a prisoner anymore." 'Robot' is even harsher towards Disney: "I'm not your robot/Stop telling me I'm a part of this big machine/I'm breaking free, can't you see?" There's nothing I love watching more than female singers rebelling against The Man, giving a big giant middle finger to the corporation who once controlled them.

The album's gem, however, is a little song called 'Who Owns My Heart.' Produced by Rockmafia, the same guy behind her current hit 'Can't Be Tamed,' the song is a fairly dark sounding, somewhat mysterious, all-around sexy track in which Miley is confused about whether her attraction to a guy is because she has the hots for him or the music banging in the background. It's a slick song and one Miley should be proud of. She makes a lyric like "You know I wanna believe that we're a masterpiece but sometimes it's hard to tell in the dark" ring with enough double entendre to last through an entire season of The Office. Our little Miley is growing up before our eyes; do you think her best friend Leslie even recognizes her anymore?

Why Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure is a Terrible, Terrible Idea

I've avoided talking about this project for months now in the hopes that it was all some sick joke gone horribly wrong. But, since the film has actually started shooting, I now know that this is a sad, sad reality. The film I'm talking about is, of course, Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure, a Disney Channel sequel to the ever popular HSM Trilogy featuring our very own La Tisdale reprising her role of sparkly diva Sharpay Evans. So why am I denying this film like I'm a certain Iranian president and Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure is the Holocaust? Well, here are a few reasons

• Completely Unnecessary When HSM3 ended with that should-be infamous final jump in the air and emotional curtain call, it was the perfect send-off for both the fans and the cast. The curtain closed on their high school lives, and everything that took place in East High was left to the past. There's absolutely no reason to make another movie with these characters. They are creatures of their high school environment, and I want to envision them in their prime when the whole world was their oyster. Encountering them after high school would be like seeing Ferris Bueller, the Breakfast Club or Cher Horowitz post-high school. Honestly, I couldn't care less about the fabulous adventures of Miss Evans outside of East High. Nothing will ever top her divalicious exploits trying to steal the spotlight back from Troy and Gabriella, so why bother? Her chemistry with Grabeel and Efron was absolutely perfect (seriously, while listening to 'I Want It All' earlier today, I marveled at just how in sync La Tisdale and Grabeel were and how much they truly "got" each other). Will she ever be able to get that with Austin Butler? Doubt it.
  
• The State of the DCOM The HSM movies are not well-made movies. They have plot holes five miles long and the production values were often nothing more then a second thought. But there's an undeniable charm running through these films that makes up for any inconsistencies and lapses in taste. Camp Rock was so bad in every conceivable way it was impossible to look away. I was embarrassed the whole time I had willingly subjected myself to that film, yet I actually felt something during that one. Wish I could say the same about the last three Disney Channel Original Movies I have seen. Princess Protection Program, Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie and StarStruck all wasted talented youngsters in films that were the dreaded Double D: dull and dumb. I fear that Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure will fall in with these latter films. And who wants to watch La Tisdale dumbed down by awful material?
  
• La Tisdale Needs to Move On Efron has gone onto Hairspray, 17 Again and, this summer, Charlie St. Cloud. Grabeel had a nice bit part in Van Sant's Milk. Even Vanessa Hudgens has gotten work in a Zack Snyder movie. So why is La Tisdale still slumming it in DCOMs and awful-sound TV shows like her upcoming Hellcats, which happens to be about a high school cheerleading squad? She clearly has the talent to move out of the Disney ghetto. She even has a naughty persona just waiting to emerge with the right material. La Tisdale isn't getting any younger (she's nearly 25) and, like it or not, goodwill from HSM won't last forever. She needs to prove her worth and take a risk in the real world, not once again use the same tricks to show us why she's one of the best things Disney has ever created. With Miley and Demi so desperately trying to break free from Disney's constraints, it makes you wonder why La Tisdale so desperately wants to remain under them.
  

Will I watch Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure when it premieres? Hell to the yes! I'll support anything this talented woman does. And I'm sure she'll be her wonderfully charismatic self in the movie. But I will not stand back silently when I see her wasting her talents on dreck far beneath her. She can do Sharpay in her sleep now. Let's give her a new challenge to spark those creative muscles, okay?

(Photo via Just Jared Jr.)

Hugging It Out, Russo Style

Sterling Knight's New Disney Intro

True or false: this new Disney promo is in fact funnier than season two of Sonny With a Chance. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say true. Everything that made the first season so magical and original has been forgotten in favor of cheap jokes and lame storylines. Even the once electric Sonny/Chad chemistry has been reduced to maybe one short interaction an episode that barely sparks. What has happened to the couple that I literally thought was going to have angry sex at one point last season? I know there's one absolutely brilliant episode coming down the pike soon that, if done correctly, should redeem this mediocre season, but it is too soon for this show to be coasting until this big moment. Sonny With a Chance worked extremely hard last season to overcome any negative stereotypes the typical Disney shows has to deal with; I would hate to see them throw it away with eight or so middling episodes.

Who is Christopher Wilde?

The teaser trailer for the latest Disney Channel Original Movie, Starstruck, made its way online last night and, for once, I'm super excited. Why, you ask? Well it's not because of the plot, which sounds like a corny and predictable version of Sonny With a Chance (girl from the Midwest ends up in Hollywood trying to pursue her musical dreams and falls in love with the most popular singer in the country). From that description alone, I feel like I've seen this movie 1400 times before. The teaser, however, gives me a little hope that Starstruck may be a tad more clever than your average DCOM (hopefully they got some SWAC writers to work on the screenplay). What I'm looking forward to and, consequently, has me so excited for the film is the cast which includes SWAC veteran Brandon Smith and Chelsea motherfucking Staub, supreme JONAS goddess and all-around star-in-the-making (I had no idea she was in the cast and nearly did the gay inhale when she popped up and said, "People call us the It couple" in that hilariously phony, dumb heiress tone). And then there's the crown jewel, the one, the only, the should-be King of Disney Chad Dylan Sterling Knight! If you are loyal readers of the site, you know of my immense love for this man, the greatest actor of his generation. His role in Starstruck sounds vaguely similar to Chad Dylan Cooper although, unfortunately, probably less douchey and less fun since he won't have Demi Lovato's wonderful Sonny to verbally spar or create lovely sexual tension with. Oh well. I am all for more Sterling Knight in my life and eternally thankful he gets to headline one of these things instead of one of the male loser from Hannah Montana (Which one? Take your pick, they all suck).

"All I hear from that is, 'Chad, you're so super blah blah blah blah.'"

Send It On, On and On

Over the past couple of weeks, I've become obsessed with Disney's attempt to cash in on this whole environmental awareness thing that's become hip in the past year or so: a power ballad called 'Send It On' and performed by all of Disney's largest commodities in a "We Are the World" sort of way. Together, for the first time, we have The Brothers Jonas, Miley, Demi and Selena ready to cash their paychecks save the world. In case you haven't heard it yet, here's the video for you to enjoy (it's a hoot!).



First of all, isn't the song itself hilarious? The lyrics are as inane as you can possibly imagine ("And love isn't love/Until you give it away"? Oy vey) but the real story is in the vocal deliveries. The song is kind of mellow throughout, with Nick & Miley, Joe & Demi and Kevin & Selena (?) taking turns with a verse each, but, by the end, it descends into some kind of vocal "powerhouse" match with Miley trying to out shout Demi's lovely strong voice (it's actually somewhat reminds me of the time Jennifer Hudson and Holliday dueted on "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" and the whole song was just them saying "fuck it" to the melody by shouting runs and making ridiculous faces to prove how emotional they are about it).

Secondly, I can't be the only one would have murdered just to be a fly on the wall of that video shoot. There is enough tween drama between these six (er, five...poor Kevin is left on the sidelines yet again) to fill seven issues of Tiger Beat magazine. Just imagine their inner monologues when this group photo was taken:

Joe: People thinking I'm fucking Demi. Who's the man? I am!

Demi: Bitch please, why are people thinking I would fuck that disgusting scrub? I have the best show on the Disney Channel and the best album of the year; I don't need his talentless ass hanging around me anymore. Oh, and Miley's still totally a bitch.

Nick: I totally nailed two chicks on this set!

Selena: Why does Miley get to sing with Nick? I'm totally prettier than her. And he told me she was lousy in bed. Ugh, I wish people would stop thinking D and I made up with that country bumpkin.

Miley: Yee haw, y'all! I'm just totally happy to be here. I wonder when Demi and Selena will pose with me for pics for my Facebook. They're totally my new BFF's now. I mean, helloooooooooo, we are totally awesome together. Hopefully Nick and I can get some alone time together. I just hope he doesn't call me "Zac" while we're doing it.

Kevin: Hey guys, I'm back here!

I don't know about you, but I totally can't wait for the behind-the-scenes, made-for-Lifetime movie that's sure to come about in five years (probably in a double feature with one about the Grey's cast). Let's hope someone has a secret drug addiction just to make the drama even juicier!