The Death of Television

For years, TV watchers and critics alike have been complaining that the success of reality shows like Survivor, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars and The Bachelor[ette] are ruining network television as we know it. We can blame these shows all we want, but, judging by the television season thus far, it is looking more and more like the networks and creative forces behind the shows are killing them faster than any reality show. I know I'm hardly television's most qualified critic because I don't watch an extraordinary amount of shows and some of the ones I continue to watch are dubious at best. However, I feel like I need to say something for the sake of these sinking shows I love so dearly.

Let's start with Desperate Housewives, a show I used to be so obsessive about I would tell people not to call my cell phone during the show unless there was some kind of medical emergency that couldn't wait until 10:01; now I'm so meh on it I can do homework, IM someone and eat all while watching it. For a show that started off so brilliantly with it's parody on suburban values and mores ingeniously mixed with a compelling, season-long mystery, it's a shame that the show quickly descended into a shadow of its former self. Don't get me wrong, I was still hooked on the show and loved some of the major arcs (Dixie Carter as Orson's mother, the season where Dana Delaney's Katharine was introduced) over the past few seasons, but the magic of that glorious first season has always been missing. This season, however, has been the absolute breaking point for me. The season premiere was hilarious and hinted at better things to come this season, but honestly, looking back, I'm guessing this reaction was due more to the fact that I missed the characters over the summer rather than the show was actually doing anything interesting. Needless to say, the show has progressed to shit. My main problem with Desperate Housewives is that the show doesn't have any balls anymore. I'm not suggesting that the show was incredibly ballsy before, but it at least talked about interesting subjects that few other network shows would touch (the child molester who Lynette inadvertently unleashes on the world, the dynamic between Bree and Andrew during season one and two, etc.). Now, Desperate Housewives has become passive in its refusal to even mention other darker alternatives to the character's problems. Take Lynette's unwanted pregnancy this season for instance. In the old days, she would have considered getting an abortion and, if the show was feeling particularly risky, she would have went ahead and gotten it. Instead, the word is never even mentioned and Lynette is forced to grin and bear it like a good woman and accept the pregnancy like she's a 50's housewife. It's gotten so bad that I hardly recognize these women anymore. The only one who has gotten better with time is Gabrielle and that's mainly because Eva Longoria Parker continually improves her comedic timing each season. The entire show has been sanitized of anything fun or groundbreaking every year to the point where it has become the type of show that it set out to parody originally. For years, creator Marc Cherry has promised a revamped Desperate Housewives that will return to the glory of the first season and for years the audience has been waiting for this to happen.

Gossip Girl is another show that has failed to live up to its high standards this season. I realize the show has had some tough shoes to fill after some incomparably golden episodes last season (the gorgeously shot The Dark Night, the one where Blair totally owns Serena in front of Yale's dean of admissions, the hilarious and spirited take on The Age of Innocence which managed the impossible task of momentarily making it look like Chace Crawford is a good actor) but it's like they're not even trying anymore. Like Desperate Housewives, the show has been heavily sanitized and interesting subplots either lead nowhere or to absolutely clichéd, One Tree Hill-esque endings. When Leighton fucking Meester (my #1 performance of last season) can't even manage to engage me except for the occasional bitchy one-liner, you know you're in trouble. Hopefully this week's highly publicized threesome will get thing back on track for my favorite guilty pleasure on TV (considering, of course, they pick the right people to be in this threesome).

Can you think of a show like Ugly Betty that has wavered in quality so many times during it's three season run its nearly impossible to keep up half the time? Last season ended so promisingly but right from the start, this season has been a big pile of shit. For a show that has depended for the most part on its main character being hated by every other character on the show, this season has really piled on the hatred to an almost unbearable level. If Marc makes one more snide comment about how he deserved the editors position over Betty, I swear to God I'm going to beat his face in. Shut the fuck up and get over it, you whiny bitch. The show has gotten so bad so fast I am actually dreading this week's episode in fear that it's going to be nearly as stifling and uninspiring as last week's.

I could try watching some of the new shows this season in hopes that something will fill the void left by these bland ones and that would be great if there was actually anything interesting to pick from. I'll admit that I haven't watched the supposedly great Modern Family yet, but if Glee (a fantastic debut, hit and miss ever since) and Community (I love the show but there are plenty of player haters out there) are the best new shows this season, TV is in serious trouble. It doesn't help that most of the new shows sounded either like clones of stuff that was already around (seriously, how many ER clones do we need on every channel?) or completely stupid from its description (Bitch please, The Good Wife. Like I'm supposed to feel sorry for a woman who was married to a politician and has to start life over...as a high powered attorney! Get a real problem, twat). I suppose I could quit bitching and just stop watching these shows but (a) do I ever just stop bitching about something? and (b) I have a hard time giving up on shows--it takes something catastrophically bad for me to stop watching a show I've loved for so long. None of these shows have hit that level yet, but desperately need something to shake things up again. If they don't, network TV will fall one step closer to its demise.

P.S. I know what you're thinking, "Well, what about last year's Emmy winners: 30 Rock and Mad Men? Those are surely still great." 30 Rock has been good this season so far, but there hasn't been an outstanding moment yet to compare with last year's mad season. As for Mad Men, well I kinda haven't been keeping up with that show. I started watching it every week but soon I grew tired of the way the episodes weren't really connecting with each other (they truly felt like distinct 40 minute shorts with the same characters each week). I missed one week, then another and finally I got so far behind I didn't even care anymore. Perhaps I'll catch up with a marathon one day, but at this moment I couldn't be bothered.

"Halle-damn-lejuah, I got my period!"

Greatest. quote. in. the. history. of. Desperate. Housewives.

(And, surprisingly, it wasn't said by Bree).

My Emmy's (Part 1)

As promised, here are my personal nominees for the 2007-08 Emmy's. You already know the nominees for the real Emmy's are going to be as boring as usual, so I hope you enjoy the few "oddball" choices I threw in. My winners will be announced sometime in the future.

BLIND SPOTS: I don't get any pay channels, so you won't see any acclaimed shows like Weeds, The Wire, Tell Me You Love Me or Californication. Somehow, Mad Men alluded me throughout it's season on AMC (which I do get), so I'll hopefully catch up with the first season on DVD soon. CBS procedural dramas annoy the fuck out of me, so don't expect CSI here. In fact, most shows on CBS annoy the fuck out of me, so there's not much from that channel. Neil Patrick Harris is the man, but I don't watch How I Met Your Mother anymore (the only episodes I saw this season were the one's with Britney) so it didn't feel right to nominate him. No matter how wildly you praise Battlestar Galactica I will probably never watch it; I just can't stand sci-fi. Too many years of watching Star Trek when my parents had it on has made me a lifetime hater.

Best Comedy
30 Rock (NBC)
Desperate Housewives (ABC)
The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)
Pushing Daisies (ABC)
Ugly Betty (ABC)

To be honest, the only reason Ugly Betty made it in is because I couldn't find another show more worthy. I love the show, but Ugly Betty works better when it concentrates on characters and interaction instead of dealing with a storyline. When you get Mark, Wilhemina and Christina into the same room, few can top it. At other times, however, it nearly stalls. I feel much stronger about the other four comedies. Pushing Daisies was the nicest surprise of the year- an eternally optimistic and schmaltzy show that didn't get on my nerves and was actually charming. Who knew that was possible? The New Adventures of Old Christine, for being a show about a 40-something divorced mother, is strangely a show I can totally relate to. The more this show gets going, the funnier it gets. 30 Rock thankfully retained its offbeat sense of humor into the second season. With the addition of the newest housewife on Wisteria Lane, Desperate Housewives felt rejuvenated and made me feel like I was watching the first season again.

Best Drama
Damages (FX)
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC)
Footballers Wives (BBC America)
Gossip Girl (The CW)
House (Fox)

I don't watch many dramas, but this is a shortlist I can feel very comfortable with. House is procedural, for sure, but it never feels stale to me. The ensemble works well together and the medical cases always have me fascinated. The final season of Footballers Wives wasn't as addictive as the first few seasons, but the show cranked its "batshit crazy" meter up to 11 and went places that few American shows do. Speaking of addictive, now other show on TV had me talking as much as Gossip Girl. I was enthralled with every minute and nearly every conversation on Thursday morning had me starting off with, "OMG, did you watch Gossip Girl last night? Wasn't that crazy?" Dirty Sexy Money had not only the best title of any new show, but it also had one of the most in-tune ensembles of the season. The show is pure trash, but it's enthralling nonetheless. Damages was brilliantly addictive in a way that even Gossip Girl couldn't imagine. Every scene had you re-evaluating the last one, wondering if you were judging a character wrong or if so-and-so is really a good/bad person.

Best Actress (Comedy)
Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Anna Friel, Pushing Daisies
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
Tiffany Pollard, I Love New York 2 (VH1)

My favorite category this year was also one of the hardest to narrow down to five. This meant that Eva Longoria, who had her best season yet on Desperate Housewives, couldn't get a nomination, but I'm happy with my shortlist. Tina Fey is the straightwoman on 30 Rock, but no one does it as well as her. And bonus points for making Liz Lemon the most relatable character on TV. Marcia Cross is brilliant in every episode of Desperate Housewives and this year was further proof that this woman should be winning Emmy's every year for her work. Her best moment: her line reading of "Ow, my baby!" when Orson pokes her in her fake pregnancy belly with a BBQ fork. Louis-Dreyfus' Christine is, theoretically, one of the most awful characters on TV. She's lazy, meddling and inconsistent, but that's why I love her. Who else but her would spend a week in bed after Melinda Doolittle's defeat on American Idol and not allow anyone to mention it ever again. Anna Friel is charm personified, but she keeps her Chuck grounded in reality so she doesn't become annoying. I realize that I Love New York 2 is a reality show, but if Tiffany Pollard (aka New York) wasn't acting, then she needs to get counseling because she is majorly fucked up. To prove my point, recall the scene between her and Buddha in her hotel room where she goes from hating him, to loving him, to kicking him out of her room, to inviting him to stay the night and then getting angry when he doesn't....all in a matter of about 2 minutes. Those girls from The Hills should get lessons from Pollard about how to act for reality television, because after 4 different series with this character she has finally perfected her.

Best Actress (Drama)
Glenn Close, Damages
Holly Hunter, Saving Grace (TNT)
Blake Lively, Gossip Girl
Zoe Lucker, Footballers Wives
Leighton Meester, Gossip Girl

The only reason I kept watching Saving Grace after the first couple of middling episodes was because of Holly Hunter. Her character was alive and always interesting even when the show wasn't and Hunter brought much needed star power. Zoe Lucker wasn't given much to do on this last season of Footballers Wives, even somehow emerging as the sane one next to Joan Collins's Eva de Wolfe and Laila Rouass's Amber Gates. But her Tanya Turner was still the fabulous bitch supreme and went out at the top of her game. Blake Lively and Leighton Meester, as Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf respectively, brought delicious energy and zest to Gossip Girl. Serena is positioned as the "good girl," but through Lively's performance you can see her "bad" side sneak through every now and again. Blair, on the other hand, is the bitchy queen and Meester plays up to that supremely well- she's the heir to the fabulous bitch throne now that Tanya Turner. And what more can be said about Glenn Close's triumphant return to form on Damages? She's played these type of roles before, but every moment feels like something brand new and never been done before.

Best Actor (Comedy)
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Steve Carell, The Office (NBC)
Lee Pace, Pushing Daisies
James Roday, Psych (USA)
Ray Wise, Reaper (The CW)

I don't watch The Office often, but when I do I'm always amazed at Steve Carell's ability to milk a laugh out of almost anything. Psych is an often underrated show and James Roday is a comedic firestorm who often gets ignored. No one else on TV lets loose with such reckless abandon and gets the same hilarious results. Alec Baldwin just keeps on impressing me in 30 Rock. Best moment: portraying four members of Tracy's family, racist stereotypes and all, in a three minute span. Reaper's quality varies from episode to episode, but Ray Wise as Satan is the only constant. He's charming, sly and quick witted- just what we want in our Devil. Lee Pace's Ned is a conflicted mess on Pushing Daisies, but his love for Friel's Chuck is endearing and provides some of the funniest moments of the show (kissing through cellophane....awwww!).

Best Actor (Drama)
Peter Krause, Dirty Sexy Money
Hugh Laurie, House
Penn Badgley, Gossip Girl
Ben Richards, Footballers Wives
???

You can tell I don't watch many dramas, since I could only come up with four nominees. Penn Badgley, playing the Seth Cohen role of Dan, isn't given as much to do as the girls on Gossip Girl, but his wit and bumbling/moping characterization of Dan is the most honest and realistic thing about the show. Hugh Laurie has got House down, but that doesn't mean his performance is any less fascinating. Bonus points for keeping the dark humor that made him popular throughout the series and not try to sneak in a little sympathy to make him a "full" character. Peter Krause, much like Stephen Campbell Moore in Bright Young Things, has to be the sane sense of reason in a crowd full of nuts. If his performance didn't work, the rest of the ensemble would look ridiculous and be unwatchable. Footballers Wives was Tanya Turner-less for the first few episodes of the season, so Ben Richards had to step up and take command for awhile. He went from wife-beater to guilty murderer to deeply in love to insane in a matter of four or five episodes and the progression was entirely logical. For the fifth and final spot, you tell me who I should nominate: Is Jon Hamm from Mad Men worthy, or do you have someone else to praise?


I've had to split this up into two parts because it's so long, so another post will come shortly with the Supporting Performers, Reality Shows and Guest Performances.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Desperate Housewives

Tonight marked the post-Writers Strike return of Desperate Housewives and boy am I glad to have Bree, Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle back in my life. It's especially gratifying to be excited for a show that actually has a script and doesn't involve aspiring singers, bitchy models, people being caught in lies by a lie detector or a former rapper and his classless potential mates.

With the return of Desperate Housewives, it also means the return of my dear Marcia Cross as Bree Van de Kamp-Hodge.

Oh my Marcia, why does no one else recognize your brilliance? Is it because your not as ridiculous as Teri Hatcher or as serious as Felicity Huffman? In my estimation, you should have at least 2 Emmy's by now.

The episode was definitely a strong return for the show, with Lynette finding religion, Bree striving to be perfect (as usual!), Susan discovering a secret love tryst and Gabrielle being vindictive and selfish (again, nothing new there, although her dialogue was to die for tonight). If the writers can keep the story lines as strong as they are now for the rest of the season, they'll definitely end on a high note.

Things That Annoy Me: People Who Should Be Famous But Aren't

There are few things that annoy me more than when young and talented actors are overlooked for the likes of annoying tabloid-hogs like Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Mischa Barton and those bitches from The Hills. I love my quasi-celebrity gossip but, Jesus, let some actual talent get a chance to become famous (for, lets say, being a good actor and not by leaking a sex tape or getting out of cars without wearing panties). Here are two actors that, if the world were a perfect place, would get better roles and be more famous than Paris and Nicole put together.

Brittany Snow

Where You've Seen Her Before: Most recently, Brittany appeared as Amber Von Tussle (Michelle Pfeiffer's daughter) in Hairspray, but before that she starred in the underrated TV show American Dreams and the Mean Girls imitation John Tucker Must Die.

Who She Might Remind You of: Vanessa Hudgens plus talent and minus the naked pictures or a toned-down version of Ashley Tisdale.

Why You Should Give a Shit: Because she has the talent to become a major star in the Reese Witherspoon vein. Brittany was definitely the most interesting Pryor child on American Dreams (she was the only actual character who developed over the series next to stereotypes like the Golden Child J.J. and Annoying Smart Ass Patty) and more than proved herself worthy of great roles. After the show was canceled in 2005, Snow landed a 5 episode role on Nip/Tuck as the son's Neo-Nazi girlfriend. I've never seen the show, but I saw parts of it and, although startling to see her go from "I love American Bandstand" to "Heil the Fuhrer!", she was pretty convincing. I suppose the only reason she took her role in Nip/TuckJohn Tucker Must Die was for a paycheck and mainstream exposure, but I'll be damned if she wasn't the only positive aspect of that dreadful Mean Girls imitation. She milked as many laughs as she could from that putrid script and acted circles around Ashanti and that gardener from Desperate Housewives. Finally, with Hairspray, Snow caught a break with her perfect casting as Amber (an amazing reverse take on Meg Pryor) and even managed not getting swallowed whole by the A-list adult cast and ambitious teenage cast. Plus, she had that hilarious phone call scene which still totally makes me laugh ("This is...Mike." "Mike who?" "It's MIKE."---well, it was better in the film than on paper).

What She's in Next: A bunch of indie films it looks like: On the Doll (the weird ass trailer is here); a dark comedy called Finding Amanda in which she plays a prostitute/stripper; and in Tony Kaye's (director of American History X) newest film Black Water Transit. Plus, in order to pay the bills, she's starring in the PG-13 horror film Prom Night out next April.

Shawn Pyfrom

Where You've Seen Him Before: He plays Marcia Cross's gay son Andrew on Desperate Housewives.

Who He Might Remind You of: A less skanky Shia LaBeouf (he's an okay actor, but ugh) or a non-singing and dancing Zac Efron.

Why You Should Give a Shit: Because, for awhile, him and his constant battles with conservative mother Bree were the absolute highlight of the show---and we all know how hard that is with all of those housewives begging for attention. He was angry, bitter and manipulative and, yet, we still cared about him (or at least I did). Andrew only did the things he did because his mother didn't accept his sexuality and believed he was going to hell. Well, that's kind of a lie (he was a vindictive little bastard) but he was still a ton of fun...a far cry from your average gay teen on TV. Who else but Andrew would have had sex with his mother's sex addict boyfriend just to piss her off? So, it was a shame when last year, after returning home from a few months in the street, Andrew turned good again and hasn't gotten a single storyline since. He has the talent (he's proven it before) now give him something interesting to do.

What He's in Next: No upcoming films or anything. If he gets a juicy storyline on Desperate Housewives this season, however, that won't even matter.

Random Top 10: Biggest Comebacks

After the failed Britney comeback (which I am still utterly depressed about), I decided to write about some of the most successful comebacks. Maybe this will show her that it can be done and not to give up hope (or offer up about a million excuses).

10. Robert Downey, Jr. (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Good Night, and Good Luck)

After a slew of impressive performances in Less Than Zero, Chaplin (for which he received an Academy Award nomination and should have won the damn thing), Natural Born Killers and Home for the Holidays, Downey succumbed to a drug addiction that lead to him being jailed a couple of times. He made a small comeback of sorts on the TV show Ally McBeal (for which he won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Emmy), but eventually he relapsed and was forced into drug rehab. A couple of years later, he re-emerged with a pair of opposite performances in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Good Night, and Good Luck that proved that he was back and better than ever.

9. Ingrid Bergman (Anastasia)

There was a time during the late 40's when Ingrid Bergman was probably the most hated woman in Hollywood. While shooting the film Stromboli, she fell in love with director Roberto Rossellini and eventually became pregnant with his child. The only problem was that she was already married and had a daughter. This lead to her being denounced by Senator Edwin C. Johnson on the floor of the Senate, who called Ingrid "a horrible example of womanhood and a powerful influence for evil." This lead to her practically living in exile in Europe for the next 6 or so years, until she starred in her first post-scandal American film Anastasia in 1956. The film and performance proved to be a mega-success and, in the ultimate turn-around, Bergman was ultimately forgiven and awarded the Best Actress Oscar.

8. John Travolta (Pulp Fiction)

Saturday Night Fever and Grease made John Travolta one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, but after a series of flops throughout the 80's and early 90's, he was considerably less in demand. But then Quentin Tarantino cast him in Pulp Fiction and, with a great performance and second Academy Award nomination, he quickly became the hottest name in town again. It seems as if he kind of squandered his fame again after some more flops towards the end of the decade, but after two huge hits in 2007 (the mind-blowingly awful Wild Hogs and the fabulous Hairspray) it seems as if he's on the rise again.

7. Ellen DeGeneres (The Ellen DeGeneres Show) and Rosie O'Donnell (The View)

At their peaks, Ellen had one of the most successful sitcoms on TV (Ellen) and Rosie had one of the most successful talk shows on TV (The Rosie O'Donnell Show). But then, they both came out of the closet and saw their careers go in steep decline. Both shows were ultimately canceled and the two women laid low for awhile. Then, Ellen delivered one of the greatest animated performances ever in Finding Nemo and found herself with her own talk show. Her quirkiness and sense of humor made for one hell of a good time and The Ellen DeGeneres Show is now one of the most popular talk shows on TV (probably right behind Oprah and Dr. Phil). Last year, Rosie joined the cast of The View and quickly became one of the most controversial hosts in the show's history. Her angry lesbian shtick made the show exciting again and The View saw a sharp increase in ratings.

6. The Ladies of Desperate Housewives

Who would have thought that the woman who played Lois on Lois and Clark, a former Melrose Place castmate, the wife of William H. Macy and an actress with no really impressive credits to her name would suddenly became the most adored women on the most popular show in the country?

5. Robert Altman (The Player)

The 80's were a tough time for Robert Altman. His 70's glory days long behind him, Altman was stuck doing horrible little films like O.C. and Stiggs, Fool for Love and HealtH that were nowhere near in the class of M*A*S*H, Nashville or 3 Women. Then in 1992, Altman did The Player, his satire of Hollywood and the film business, and suddenly he was once again the most adored director in Hollywood. He earned his first Oscar nomination since Nashville in 1975 and regained the clout he needed to pursue some of his most popular work: Short Cuts in 1993, Gosford Park in 2001 and A Prairie Home Companion in 2006.

4. Judy Garland (A Star is Born)

After getting fired from both Annie Get Your Gun and Royal Wedding for erratic behavior, Judy was dismissed from her MGM contract in September of 1950. She went on tour for awhile, but eventually she found herself back in Hollywood with this musical remake of A Star is Born. While still a little flaky, Judy put her heart and soul into her performance and gave what most people consider her finest performance of her career. The role thrust her back in to the limelight and she was nominated for a Best Actress in 1954. This comeback didn't last long though: She was widely expected to win, but was ultimately robbed by Grace Kelly in The Country Girl. With this disappointment, and the fact that the studio practically butchered the film and it was consequently a flop, Garland never fully recovered her legendary status and quietly slipped back into touring and dabbled in TV.

3. Mariah Carey (The Emancipation of Mimi CD)

You all know about Mariah's TRL meltdown, the bomb known as Glitter and a soundtrack and subsequent album (Charmbracelet) that ultimately went nowhere. The haters were ready to pronounce her career over, but then she released The Emancipation of Mimi in 2005 and it was suddenly as if she had never gone away. Not only was Mimi one of her freshest and most addictive albums in years, but it also spawned the biggest hit of her career, won her a ton of Grammy's and proved that this diva wasn't dead.

2. Marie Dressler (Anna Christie)

In 1914, legendary vaudeville star Marie Dressler starred in the first feature-length comedy Tillie's Punctured Romance with Charlie Chaplin and Mabel Normand. She eventually returned to vaudeville but was blacklisted in 1927 for supporting a union. For the next couple of years, Dressler was at a major low point in her life and even considered suicide. Then, writer Frances Marion urged legendary MGM producer Irving Thalberg to give Dressler the role of Marthy in Garbo's first talkie Anna Christie (1930) and Thalberg agreed. Dressler surprised critics and even Garbo herself with her fantastic performance. This soon led to more roles for Dressler and eventually, at the age of 62, she became the most popular star in Hollywood with her performances in Min and Bill (for which she won the Best Actress Oscar), Tugboat Annie, Dinner at Eight and Emma. She remained at the top until her death in 1933.

1. Gloria Swanson (Sunset Boulevard)

The comeback performance of a lifetime. Gloria Swanson was a superstar during the silent era who's career eventually waned with the coming of the talkies. When Billy Wilder started casting for his upcoming film Sunset Boulevard, he originally wanted Mary Pickford, Pola Negri or Mae West for the role of forgotten silent movie queen Norma Desmond. When they didn't pan out, George Cukor suggested Gloria Swanson. She accepted and, consequently, gave one of the greatest performances of not only 1950 or the 50's in general, but of all time. She no-doubtedly understood the role, but she was one of the few silent actresses who could play it because she could act with her voice as well as her face. The performance brought her a Best Actress nomination and should have heralded a flood of new films for her. Unfortunately, most of what she was offered were cheap versions of Norma Desmond and she eventually lost interest in Hollywood.

Happy Mother's Day! Top 10 Worst Mothers

In order to celebrate Mother’s Day today, I thought I would come up with a list of some sort celebrating mothers. At first, I wanted to make one about great mothers, but I thought that would be too easy. Then I decided to come up with a list of the worst mothers from movies and TV (and even one real life example). So, if you feel like a shitty mother one day, just take a look at this list and realize you could be a lot worse.

10. Viola Fields in Monster in Law
Okay, so she’s technically a mother-in-law, but she’s still one of the most monstrous ones I have ever seen in a film. She’s mean and hilarious at the same time- a potent combination. Who but Jane Fonda could make pouring nuts into J. Lo’s gravy (she’s allergic) both psychotic and funny at the same time?

9. Mrs. Bates in Psycho
You never see her in the film, but just from the way Norman speaks about her we can understand why he is as screwed up as he is. She smothered him and virtually kept him a prisoner in his own home by not permitting any social interaction with anyone but herself. Even in death, she controls Norman’s life and makes him feel guilty for feeling an attraction towards Marion.

8. Julie Cooper-Nichol on The O.C.
Until she mellowed out a bit during the last season, Julie Cooper-Nichol was the most uncaring, unsympathetic mother around. She didn’t give a crap about her children’s happiness (trying desperately to break up Marissa and Ryan) and went off marrying and divorcing rich men because she needed the money.

7. Lilly Dillon in The Grifters
I haven’t seen this film in a couple of years, but it’s hard to forget what a terrible mother Anjelica Huston’s Lilly is to her son John Cusack. Just watch the last scene and you'll see what I mean.


6. Margaret White in Carrie
What a nutcase! Carrie’s religious whacko mom is one of the creepiest mothers around. I saw the film again last summer and I couldn’t believe how horrible she was to Carrie- locking her in closets and preaching the Bible like Robert Mitchum’s creepy minister in The Night of the Hunter.

5. Beth Jarret in Ordinary People
Unlike many of the other mother’s on this list, Beth’s horrible parenting is purely psychological as opposed to verbal or physical. Her son Conrad craves love from her, but she denies it to him throughout the whole movie and becomes a monster on par with Joan Crawford.

4. Gloria Hodge on Desperate Housewives
I wanted to like Gloria whenever she first made an appearance at Wisteria Lane because I thought Orson was such an awful person. But after a couple of episodes, we quickly realized that she is the monster in the mother-son relationship. I still remember my ultimate horror during her last episode and her near murder of Bree (my favorite housewife) and her whacking of Andrew on the head to keep him from saving her. Thank God she had that stroke and couldn’t move again.

3. Mrs. Iselin in The Manchurian Candidate
What kind of a mother would willingly allow for her son to be brainwashed and then control him through a deck of cards (and then sneak in a little incest on top of it)? Mrs. Iselin, of course, in both versions of The Manchurian Candidate. It’s especially jarring because the actresses who have played her (Angela Landsbury and Meryl Streep) are both so likeable and Mrs. Iselin definitely isn’t.

2. Catherine Roerva in A Child Called It
For anyone who has read this book, you know that she took the term “abusive mother” to the extreme toward her son who eventually wrote the book. The atrocious abuse she inflicted upon him repulsed me made me cringe. I never thought that a human being could be this relentlessly cruel, but she made me see that it has happened and may happen again.

1. Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest
Okay, you knew it was coming. The ultimate bad mother takes her well deserved position at number one. From her forcing her child to eat raw, bloody meat to waking her daughter up in the middle of the night because of wire hangers in the closet and her constant verbal abuse, the depiction of Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest (who knows if that’s what actually happened or the payback of a bitter child) is the absolute, most horrifying mother in cinematic history.