American Idol Recap: Top 9 Edition

Theme: Songs that are popular on iTunes...or, basically, any song available for download on iTunes. What a horrible theme. Why didn't they just say "Pick any damn song you want"? It would have been much clearer.

And the crappy theme wasn't the only thing that made me angry about this week's episode of American Idol. Was it just me, or were the judges completely wrong in nearly all of their critiques? It was so bizarre. I would watch a performance, say Matt Giraud, and think, "Hmmm...I quite liked it. Not perfect, but still passable" and then listen to the judges ten seconds later completely rip to shreds. Excuse me? And what about when the exact opposite happened with Danny Gokey (Me: "Bor-ing!" Judges: "BEST PERFORMANCE EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!")? Plus, their specific critiques were so ridiculously stupid that I was this close to turning off the damn TV. For instance, how about Kara's idea that Megan should have sung Adele's beautiful "Chasing Pavements"? Yeah, that would be great if the song weren't unimprovable. God, this woman is so stupid sometimes. Megan's voice sounds too similar to Adele, Duffy and Amy Winehouse for her to pull off a cover of any of their songs. You don't want to hear any R&B diva attempting a Whitney Houston song because they're never going to match the original and it's the same problem with Megan and those singers. Also, the judges' pimping of certain performers has never been so obvious as it is this season. They are so dead set on a Danny-Adam-Lil Top 3 that they are giving a collective shurg to Kris and Allison, two of the most inspiring contestants in this- or any- seasons (and by inspiring, I mean musically, not in the Danny/Scott/Lil cheap manipulation way). Frankly, at this point, if Danny, Adam and Lil were arrested for snorting cocaine off of 12 year old child prostitutes and then came on stage and just sat there yawning, while Kris worked his magic on something as out there as "Fergalicious," the judges would still be tripping all over themselves to praise those three while Kris gets a "Quite good, but you need to work on [insert some totally ridiculous and retarded trait here]" It's all so maddening!

Whew. Sorry about that. I just had to get it off my chest. Now, on to the performances.

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "Ain't No Sunshine" Are you guys sick of hearing about Kris Allen yet? If so, too bad, because unless he stops either being (1) hot or (2) amazing (and neither of those are very likely at this point) I won't be shutting up. Kris admitted that he was attempting to have a "moment" with a song and I must say he certainly succeeded. Not only the best performance of the night, but one of the best of the entire season. And yet the judges didn't go as apeshit as they did over Dead Wife Guy's performance. I just don't get it.

Paula Clap
Quite good

Allison Iraheta "Don't Speak" I thought the song choice was a little weak and it is one of those songs that really can't be reinterpreted, but, if the comment "you could sing the phonebook" applied to anyone this season, it would be Allison. I absolutely love her no matter what she does. And I, for one, found her hair to be gloriously over-the-top and amazing. The outfit wasn't great, but certainly Lil has committed worse fashion faux pas.

Matt Giraud "You Found Me" The more I read other people's reviews of last night's Idol (including rundowns from Vance and RJ that are obviously better than mine), the more I have come to the conclusion that I'm the only person who actually liked this performance. I thought his voice added a lot of grit and emotion to the song and it was nowhere near the disaster that was "Viva la Vida" like the judges seemed to believe.

Megan Joy "Turn Your Lights Down Low" Can we just agree on one thing: it was better than last week's disaster, right? I thought that the first half was a little rough, but once she found her groove, it improved substantially. Once again she got massacred by the judges and I'm afraid that she's going home before the blind guy. Blurg.

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Anoop "That One Usher Song That's Not Really That Famous" Meh. Not especially interesting or exciting. Pretty much a carbon copy of the original. Will Anoop ever find that groove he hit with "My Prerogative" a couple of weeks ago? It's looking like a big fat no.

Adam Lambert "That One Disco Song That No One Should Ever Touch With a Ten Foot Pole on This Show" It's like this guy's one sole mission in life is to make me hate him even more by the week. After I give him a compliment last week for toning his shriekiness down and actually singing, what does he do? Comes back with another of his over-the-top monsterosities, this time to the disco classic "Play That Funky Music." He did change up the song a bit and it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been, but...just don't do this song. Ever.

Lil Rounds "Another Power Ballad to Try and Prove She Can Sang" What a complete piece of shit. Girlfriend, you will never be Celine or Whitney or Mariah, so just give it up. And why are you still getting positive criticisms from the judges?! That just blows my mind.

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Scott MacIntyre "Another Dire Piano Ballad? Color Me Surprised" It was better than last week, but so was the Columbine massacre in comparison with the Holocaust. That still doesn't mean he's any good.

Danny Gokey "Some Song Where He Convinces People That Shouting = Emotion" STOP SHOUTING. WE GET IT. YOU FEEL SOMETHING WHEN YOU SING THIS SONG. And, contrary to Dead Wife Guy's belief, not everyone likes Rascal Flatts. The only version of "What Hurts the Most" I would ever want to listen to is Cascada's immaculate dance hall version.

Who Should Go Home: Scott MacIntyre, please put us out of our misery.
Who Will Go Home: I'm dreading the impending Megan elimination, but it's looking quite inevitable at this point.