Imaginary Boyfriends of 2009

One of my favorite (and, judging by the amount of comments, most popular) posts I have ever done was this rundown of my Imaginary Boyfriends and Girlfriends of 2008. Since that went over so well, I decided to make it a new tradition to honor the hottest guys who made the biggest impact on my year. So, let's get this list started, shall we?

P.S. If you're wondering where the ladies are at, don't worry. I have a whole post dedicated to them coming soon.

Kris Allen
As soon as I saw his pretty face emerge on the Idol stage during Semi-Finals week, I knew I was hooked. When he opened his mouth and that beautiful voice came out, I was done for. The fact that Kris, with his soulful voice and puppy dog eyes, defied all odds and won the damn show over higher profile names was just compensation for the horrific season that preceded it.


Hugh Dancy
I know Mr. Dancy has been around for ages, but 2009 was the year I finally started to appreciate him. Say what you want about Confessions of a Shopaholic, I thought it was an above average Hollywood rom-com with a fiesty comedic performance from Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy there to match her every step of the way. He may not have gotten many funny bits, but he knew just how to react to Fisher to both make her seem funnier and himself look 100 times more engaging than most insipid rom-com romantic foils. Not an easy task, I'm afraid, but Dancy nailed it. I haven't even seen his lauded work in Adam yet, so hopefully that will add to my goodwill towards him this year.


Darin
No idea who he is? Don't feel bad; up until a couple of months ago I had never heard of him either. Kameron introduced me to the former Swedish Idol runner-up via his cover of Coldplay's 'Viva la Vida' (which mines more emotional depth in any individual line than Chris Martin could muster for an entire song) and then launched me full-force into his entire discography. I must say, I dig this guy. The sound of each album is definitely reflective of the time it was recorded, moving from early 2000's pop to the JT-inspired stuff of his most recent album, Flashback. He's attempting to break into the UK in 2010 with 'Breathing Your Love,' so I hope you Brits enjoy, support and make him a success over there.


Sterling Knight
I'll be the first to admit that Sterling isn't exactly a "looker," especially in comparison with 17 Again co-star Zac Efron (then again, should any human being really have to endure being compared with Zac?). However, he is adorable, has a charming personality and comedic skills actors twice his age should be jealous of. I first noticed Sterling as Efron's son in 17 Again, impressed at the way he was able to sneak some humorous moments in the film when the part, as written, was a complete throwaway. It wasn't until I first watched Sonny With a Chance that my affection for him blossomed into love. As I've mentioned before, Chad Dylan Cooper is one of the best characters on TV right now and it is all thanks to Sterling's fearless performance.


Taylor Lautner
You've seen him without a shirt on, right? Yeah, I thought so.


Matthew Morrison
Matthew Morrison is one of the sexiest men of 2009 because:
(a) He sings and dances
(b) He and Jayma Mays are positively adorable together
(c) Throwing down with Jane Lynch on Glee was one of the season's most hilarious moments
(d) He occasionally raps
(e) Any of the above except d

I think we know the answer to this, yes?


Garrett Neff
I became interested in male models and photography this year and Garrett was one of the best I discovered. His portfolio is extremely diverse, balancing light-hearted photos with ultra-serious, highly artistic ones. Plus he's hot as hell. That never hurts.


Chris Pine
I first saw Chris in this horrible, horrible movie called Blind Dating where he plays a stereotypical Italian-American who, coincidentally, is blind and dating. He was so awful in the movie I never thought he would be able to pull off Star Trek when I heard he was cast in it. Well, color me surprised. Not only was he sexy (oh that bedroom scene!) but he also nailed the humor in the film (I laughed every damn time Karl Urban gave him a shot once they boarded the Enterprise). Good looking and funny? Be still my heart.


Sebastian Stan
He's one-half of my favorite celebrity couple, plus his acting on Kings was beyond sensational. Someone give him more work please.


Chad White
Like Garrett Neff, Chad White has a widely varied portfolio. He has the ability to go from light commercial stuff to dark, edgy editorials and do them all well. Additionally, he seems like a sweet, approachable person. How many male models can you say that about?

Random Top 10: "The Beatles," Golden Girls Memories & Gay Born Again Christians (aka Life in a Small Town)

Last Friday, I decided to go home for the weekend to see my parents. One of the things they wanted to do was see a Beatles tribute band that was playing in a local small town's annual outdoor concert series.

(Being the Golden Girls obsessive that I am, my mind immediately jumped to the episode where Dorothy gives up her date to Blanche to see a Beatles tribute band and ends up sleeping with "Paul." Ridiculous, I know, but that's how my mind works. And how can you go wrong with a line like "What do you say about a set that started with 'I've Just Gotta Be Me' and ended with 'Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting'?" Genius.)

But I digress. I'm not the biggest Beatles fan and don't exactly believe that they are the greatest thing to ever happen to music like so many others. Don't get me wrong, they have some fan-fucking-tastic songs but I find it idiotic that so many people believe that every song they ever recorded is the BEST SONG EVER. I remember during Beatles Week #2 on Season 7 of Idol Simon Cowell commented that even the Beatles had bad songs in their catalog, some diehard fan responded on a blog (or maybe Entertainment Weekly, I'm not sure) that the Beatles didn't have bad songs, just bad Idol singers butchering them. That is just ridiculous. Of course they have some stinkers; what musician doesn't? Even ABBA, my favorite band ever and one of the most critically ignored artists in music history because they made "silly" pop music, has some songs I usually skip whenever they come on my iTunes. I simply find it annoying when someone tries to claim that the Beatles are the exception.

Anyways, I decided to go since I had nothing else better to do and, like I said, I do enjoy a few of their songs. The main thing that I took away from the night, however, had nothing to do with the music, oddly. During intermission, there was this young guy who was sort of emceeing and working the crowd before the 50/50 raffle. He seemed like a generally jovial guy, but I found it odd that out of nowhere he decided to announce that he was still excited about getting engaged to his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. My first reaction was, "Well, I hope you're still excited about getting married a couple weeks later." My second reaction was, "Wait, that 'mo?" I thought that this shock was all he had in store for us, but, oh no, he had to go and do it again. He then proceeded to give a shoutout to his church, the Born Again Christians, who promptly responded with a cheer that was possibly louder than the band had been at any point. I, of course, rolled my eyes and muttered "Jesus Christ" under my breath. Only in a small town could you possibly get away with doing that and get an enormous response like that. Egad.

But I digress yet again. Let's get back to the music. Overall, I found the band to be enjoyable and they did sound eerily similar to the original band, but I was annoyed that they didn't play more of my favorites. I know, I'm that vain that I think that the whole concert should have revolved around my tastes and preferences, but I can't exactly help that? I'm sure everyone would have reacted that way. So, since they didn't play many of the Beatles songs I like, I thought I'd list my top 10 for you all. Generous, I know.

10. Yesterday A touch overrated, but you have to admire the fact that they squeeze so much out of a song that's barely two minutes long.
9. Revolution A protest song from the Vietnam Era that still packs a wallop.
8. Something That guitar bit is still magnificent.
7. Strawberry Fields Forever One of the only LSD-inspired songs I like and you have to give it props for inspiring the only sequence in Across the Universe that wasn't a complete disaster.
6. Eleanor Rigby The imagery in this song sounds like something straight out of a Bergman film and, yet, it's still one of their most beloved pop songs. Genius.
5. Can't Buy Me Love My favorite song from the movie A Hard Day's Night. So fun and carefree although I don't care for the message (someone can definitely buy my love)
4. Penny Lane Completely adorable. I'm still miffed that Davie Archuleta didn't choose it during either Beatles Week (I know I should let that go, but I just can't).
3. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da Their overrated early stuff like 'She Loves You' and 'I Want to Hold Your Hand' are beloved for their simplicity, but I find them too simple (as Sophia quips in the episode of the Golden Girls I mentioned earlier, "'Yeah, yeah, yeah'? You call that music?"). There's no denying that 'Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da' is a simple song with it's "La la la la la life goes on" chorus, but I think the simplicity makes it that much better.
2. Let It Be A social message song about peace, love and understanding that doesn't feel preachy or obnoxious.
1. Hey Jude The intro is beautifully done and the breakdown half way through, leading to the the infamous "Na na na na na na na" chant, is freaking epic.

And, as a bonus, here are some of my favorite Beatles covers that are at least as good as the originals, if not better.

The Carpenters 'Ticket to Ride'
By slowing down the tempo of the original, we get to focus on every single crystal-clear note emerging from Karen Carpenter's mouth. I call that a win, don't you?


Bette Midler 'In My Life'
For the Boys may be a complete mess, but the moment when The Divine Miss M starts singing, immediately after telling the soldiers to "shut the fuck up" in a way that only Bette could get away with, is beautiful in it's own subdued way (not exactly a word one associates with the loud and brassy Ms. Midler, hm?)

Jude Law 'Hey Jude'
I can't find a clip of this version with Jude Law from Saturday Night Live in 2004 (you know, the infamous episode where Ashlee Simpson got caught lip-syncing and performed a hoe-down instead) but, trust me, it's a goodie. Jude Law maniacally ripping into "Ju-ju-ju-ju-Judy!" and Tina Fey, Amy Poehler & Maya Rudolph doing the "Na na na" chant in a big circle around him.




Carly Smithson or Kris Allen 'Come Together'
They are both amazing covers but for completely different reasons.


David Cook 'Eleanor Rigby'
His version is the one that made me realize the brilliance of the original. Bravo.


Fiona Apple 'Across the Universe'
I could listen to this over and over again for hours. It's completely soothing and indescribably absorbing.

2009 Half-Year Ending Report

Here we are. 2009 is already half done and, damn that just flew by, didn't it? I figured it was high time for a progress report on my favorites in a host of random categories. I'm not sure how many of these will still be here come December, but these will more than do for the moment.

Top 5 Films:

Honorable Mention: Confessions of a Shopaholic (P.J. Hogan) The first film to deal with the immediate impact of the recession. Plus, as an added bonus, features an uproarious performance from Isla Fisher with ample support from a swoon-worthy Hugh Dancy.

5. Star Trek (J.J. Abrams)
A rare critical and commercial blockbuster success that's actually enjoyable. No excessive dramatics, no dumb romantic subplots, just good, clean action and comedy.
4. Sunshine Cleaning (Christine Jeffs)
Nothing groundbreaking, but a keenly observed and quietly moving entry into much-maligned "quirky indie comedy" subgenre. I'd rather have more films like this than Transformers.
3. The Brothers Bloom (Rian Johnson)
The 30's screwball meets the quirky indie comedy meets Ocean's 11. A perfectly charming cast and seeing Rinko Kikuchi blow shit up makes this film a can't-miss.
2. Adventureland (Greg Mottola)
With this, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and, hopefully, (500) Days of Summer, the young adult romantic comedy has finally come of age. The stone-faced goddess Kristen Stewart casts a magical spell, enchanting both Jesse Eisenberg's lost college graduate and audience members willing to go the extra mile for her.

1. Up (Pete Docter and Bob Peterson)
It may not be as much of a technical marvel as last year's WALL-E, but you'll be hard pressed to find a more emotionally involving movie, let alone another animated movie. For the first time ever, a film has moved me to tears...and not just a little teary eyed, I'm talking me, sitting in the back of the theatre, water gushing from my eyes like a leaky faucet every 10 or so minutes.

Top 5 Performances:
Honorable Mention: Sasha Grey, The Girlfriend Experience Technically not very interesting and not much beyond the average episode of The Hills, but in the context of the film it works wonderfully.

5. Beyoncé, Obsessed
"You listen to me. You know exactly who this is. You came into my house? You touched my child? You think you're crazy? I'll show you crazy. Just try me, bitch." Between this and that final fight in which she headbutts Ali Larter and utters the line "I'ma wipe the floor wit yo skinny ass," Beyoncé has proved that she is beyond competent in at least one genre: camp.

4. Adrien Brody, Rinko Kikuchi, Mark Ruffalo & Rachel Weisz, The Brothers Bloom
Impeccable ensemble work; none of these performances could have existed without the others.

3. Isla Fisher, Confessions of a Shopaholic
After amazingly hilarious supporting turns in films as mediocre as Wedding Crashers and Definitely, Maybe, Fisher gets the chance to finally headline her first film and boy does she deliver. On most actresses, her loud, over-the-top and nearly insane style of comedy would be too much, but on Fisher it's endearing and utterly can't-catch-your-breath funny.

2. Emily Blunt, Sunshine Cleaning
I liked her (not as much as most people, though) in The Devil Wears Prada, but her performance in Sunshine Cleaning trumps that one easily. It's a shame that she flew under the radar because I can think of few examples of monologues that are as moving as the one she gives when she's confessing to her new friend about the death of her mother.

1. Drew Barrymore & Jessica Lange, Grey Gardens
Flashy, but not excessively so. Lived in, but not too familiar. Stylized, but not annoyingly so. Everything Barrymore & Lange do (giving the best performances I've ever seen from either of them) is nearly perfect. That explosive final confrontation scene between them blisters with pain and hurt and might just be one of my favorite scenes of the year thusfar.

Top 5 Rentals:
Honorable Mention: Nanook of the North (Robert Flaherty, 1922) The first "documentary" isn't exactly a documentary by today's standards, but how can you get that nit-picky over a film this beautiful that single-handedly created a new film style.

5. The Marriage of Maria Braun (Rainer Werner Fassbinder, 1979)
The rise of modern Germany after the fall of Hitler shown through the eyes of Maria Braun, a determined young bride doing anything she can to get ahead in life and be with her perennially absent husband.
4. Two for the Road (Stanley Donen, 1967)
Although the British New Wave tricks are a touch annoying, Donen has crafted an honest, alternatively sad and funny look at a marriage from its humble beginnings to disintegrating end. Albert Finney has never been more likeable (give or take Erin Brockovich) and this may be Audrey Hepburn giving her greatest performance while also looking her most chic (both in competition with Breakfast at Tiffany's)
3. Design for Living (Ernst Lubitsch, 1933)
A dazzling, superbly adapted version of Noel Coward's play of the same name featuring a sexy Gary Cooper, Fredric March at the height of his charm and one of the most underrated actresses of the 30's, Miriam Hopkins, doing what she does best.
2. Masculin féminin (Jean-Luc Godard, 1966)
Godard's fast-paced, dizzying look at the "children of Marx and Coca-Cola" is not only one of his most enjoyable films, it's also up there with Rebel Without a Cause as one of the greatest films about youth ever made. It may be hard for some to ignore the basic misogyny of Godard's vision, but Jean-Pierre Léaud (in his best non-Antoine Doinel performance) and Chantal Goya are so endearing and brimming with charm that you pretty much forget that.
1. I'll Cry Tomorrow (Daniel Mann, 1955)
On the surface, I'll Cry Tomorrow appears to be nothing more than your average 50's star biopic, but dig a little deeper and you'll find one of the most gruesome, dirty and downright ugly depictions of alcoholism ever to come from a studio film. Figure in a career-best performance from Susan Hayward and Jo Van Fleet as her stage mother from hell and you have an all-around fantastic movie.

Top 5 Albums:
Honorable Mention: None Technically this should go to Kelly Clarkson's All I Ever Wanted but I'm docking points for taking a step back after the brilliant and ballsy My December.

5. Royksopp, Junior
Crazy, out there (for me anyways) electro dance pop with a few shining moments.
Key Track: 'The Girl and the Robot' featuring Robyn
4. Melinda Doolittle, Coming Back to You
Melinda Doolittle doing what she did best on Idol: singing. Her retro soul throwback was one of the highlights of the year so far but you can see just how little attention she got.
Key Track: 'It's Your Love'
3. Little Boots, Hands
An album so interesting and listenable that even only on one listen I'm confident in declaring it one of the year's best.
Key Track: 'Meddle'
2. Lily Allen, It's Not Me, It's You
Lily's back and with a vengenace, taking on celebrity mania, boyfriends with small dicks and President Bush.
Key Track: 'Chinese'

1. Agnes Dance Love Pop
Pure silly 90's-era pop. I loved every minute of it.
Key Track: 'Release Me'

Top 5 Singles:
Honorable Mention: David Archuleta 'Touch My Hand' Archie at his most endearing. 3 1/2 minutes of cheesy pop perfection.
5. Lady GaGa 'Poker Face'
I don't know why, but "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun" is one of the most ingenious lyrics I've heard in a while.
4. Girls Aloud 'Untouchable'
The single version is as good as you can get by editing a 6+ minute masterpiece into 3 1/2, but the album version is where it's at. Pure electropop magic. In 20 years, this is the song our kids will still be talking about.
3. La Roux 'Bulletproof'
This British import is like an mad combination of Tilda Swinton and Annie Lennox who will soon grace the United States with her fantastic presence. Check out her UK #1 hit before it hits the big time over here and you can say "I knew her when..."
2. Leona Lewis 'Run'
It's still the most beautiful song I've ever heard.
1. Jesse McCartney 'How Do You Sleep'
Not only is it the finest song on Jesse Mac's Departure album, it is also probably one of the most perfect summer songs ever.

Top 5 Bonus Tracks, B-Sides, Remixes & Assorted Non-Singles:
Honorable Mention: Dan Black 'HYPNTZ' A white guy singing Biggie's "Hypnotize" over the beat to Rihanna's "Umbrella." This really shouldn't work, but somehow it does.

5. Kris Allen 'Heartless'
A white guy doing an acoustic version of Kanye's 'Heartless'. This shouldn't have worked, but it did and was Kris's shining moment during his incredible Idol run.
4. Agnes 'Love Love Love [Extended Version]'
What's better than 3 minutes of 'Love Love Love'? How about 5 minutes of a gloriously beautiful version of 'Love Love Love'.
3. David Archuleta 'Zero Gravity'
This song is possibly better than 'Touch My Hand', 'Crush' and his version of 'With You' put together.
2. Girls Aloud 'Memory of You'
Girls Aloud's best B-side (if you don't count 'Singapore', that is) and it's still a total mystery why it wasn't included on Out of Control- it fits right in perfectly.
1. Leighton Meester 'Birthday'
Our second glimpse (after her cover of 'Bette Davis Eyes') into the amazing musical talent that is Leighton Meester. The song is still as stunning as when I first wrote about it.

Top 5 Obsessions:
Honorable Mention: The Downfall of those Jon & Kate Plus 8 Assholes I hated them with a passion before so you can tell I'm happy that their "perfect" life is crumbling apart.

5. Kristen Stewart's Obsessive Hair Move
I've been working on my own imitation of it, but nothing will ever match the way Stewart runs her fingers through her hair every 20 seconds.
4. (500) Days of Summer
I hope Oprah is kind to me and doesn't make me wait too much after this film opens in a limited release to expand to my area. I can't wait much more for a dancing Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the one they used to call Anal Girl!
3. Leighton Meester & Sebastian Stan (Meestan)
A better celebrity couple than Brangelina times infinity. There, I said it.
2. Zac Efron and 17 Again
Honestly, this film was my Twilight. I saw it twice on opening weekend despite how bad it is.
1. Kris Allen on American Idol
Don't believe me? Well, you obviously missed January through May here on the blog.

Top 5 (New) Hot Guys:
Honorable Mention: Andrew Garfield Adorable and instantly lovable in Boy A.

5. Alain Delon & Gary Cooper
I had seen an Alain Delon movie before (the oddly titled Have I the Right to Kill?) but The Leopard just solidified his hotness in my mind. Every movie should now legally be required to have at least five minutes of Alain Delon close-ups, don't you think? Gary Cooper, on the other hand, may seem like an odd choice to everyone who knows him through his later work. But back in the early to mid-30's, Coop was one of the sexiest men in Hollywood. I didn't realize this until I rented a five movie collection of his work and boy was I in for a treat. Perfectly dashing in a tux in Design for Living but when he takes off his shirt in The General Died at Dawn or gets all homoerotic in The Lives of a Bengal Lancer, my heart just melted.

4. Sebastian Stan
Not only is he dating my favorite woman on the planet currently, but he's also so odd looking that he becomes cute. And he can act, which is always a plus in my book.

3. Chris Pine
I never really cared before, but Star Trek was just too much for me to resist. He's funny and yummy- you have no idea how rare that combo is.

2. Chad White
Name not ringing a bell? Here's a refresher.

1. Kris Allen
His beautiful face!

Top 5 Blog Posts:
Honorable Mention: Why Isn't Reece Thompson Hired for Every Movie Ever? Seriously. With the young adult romantic comedy coming of age, where are all the parts for the enormously gifted comedian?

5. OH NO THE BITCH DID NOT JUST SAY THAT
My reaction to Hilary Duff's boneheaded response to Faye Dunaway's personal reaction to the news of Duff being cast in a "reimagining" of Bonnie and Clyde.
4. The Most Hated Woman in America
Everyone hates Katy Allen because she's married to the most gorgeous man on the planet (and newest American Idol!) Kris Allen.
3. 10 Favorite Movie Characters
I pick my favorite movie characters ever and, in the process, learn a little something about myself.
2. Lady GaGa Knows Her Stuff
A flash of creativity on my part inspired by The GaGa's 'Boys, Boys, Boys' and, well, you guessed it, a smorgasbord of boys.
1. 25 Favorite Performances of the TV Season
My most popular post of the year so far (and possibly ever). Leighton Meester is apparently still a controversial #1, but I will continue to stand by it.

WE DID IT PEOPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Say hello to your new American Idol!

After a season full of the most shameless manipulation I've ever witnessed, it's just sweet to finally see justice served. GO KRIS! I love you!

American Idol Recap: Top 2 Edition

I know this is going to be incredibly biased since I've been on the Kris Allen train since "Man in the Mirror" during semi-finals week, but he owned Ms. Glambert during the first two rounds (I'm not counting the third because, as I'm sure you are well aware, the song penned by Kara DioIdon'tgiveacrap is a complete piece of shit and neither of the contestants did well with it). Okay, maybe "owned" isn't the best word, but Kris was definitely much better. His second take on "Ain't No Sunshine," definitely his most underrated performance of the season the first time around and the one that proved what a unique artist he is, was just as beautiful and stunning this go around. I'm glad that the judges finally (kinda) gave him the respect he deserves, but was anyone else peturbed by Simon's back-handed compliment that went something like "After last week, I wasn't sure if America had made the right choice." Are you fucking kidding me? Are the judges still on the Danny Gokey bandwagon? He's gone, get the fuck over it. For his first round pick, Ms. Glambert sang "Mad World" again, his most well-received performance, and it was even more dreadfully dull and lifeless than I remembered. Seriously, nothing was going on there. I don't care if it was more Phantom of the Opera or Twilight, it was still shit.

The second round brought about the dreaded Producers' Choice instead of the usual Let the Contestants Pick Their Own Damn Song. I instantly feared another Syesha Mercado-style sabotage and was prepared for them to make Kris sing something from the Monsters vs. Aliens Soundtrack. Instead, they decided to make it social message night with Adam singing "Change is Gonna Come" and Kris doing "What's Going On?" (does the producer realize that good songs didn't stop with the Civil Rights Movement?) and neither of them doing that amazingly. Ms. Glambert's performance gave me a headache with all of those unneccessary runs, falsettos and general shriekiness. I will be so glad once they hand him his (undeserved) Idol crown so I can go back to never having to listen to him again. Kris's pick was something I wouldn't have chosen for him in a million years (he's so much better at heartfelt than preachy), but he did marginally well with it and much better than the judges *cough*Simon*cough* gave him credit for. I did love Paula's comment that went something like "I know what's going on and it's you!" How amazing is this woman? Why would they even consider firing and replacing her with that dumb wench known as Kara? She can't even write a cheesy inspirational ballad that makes sense. That song, called "No Boundries," was as long, drawn-out, pointless and unwieldy as her critiques. What a fucking embarrassment--even Ms. Glambert deserved better.

I would love for Kris to win tonight, but I'm not holding my breath. Even if all of this underdog stuff is true, I still don't think it's enough to overcome the mindboggling fanbase Ms. Glambert has amassed throughout the course of the season. Besides, if Kris finishes second, he won't have to release that "No Boundries" pile of steaming shit and he can make his debut album however he wants without interference from the show. Come to think of it, can we please let him lose?

Possible Song Choices for Kris Allen in His Quest to Become This Season's American Idol

In case you're one of the 19 people in America who doesn't know, tonight is the final singing show between the Glambert and Kris Allen for this season's Idol crown. Since I'm pretty sure you all know who I'm supporting, I thought I'd offer him some possible song choices that could help him win. The song he picks is going to depend on what he decides on which version of Kris he decides to be on the show.

If he wants to show us what kind of artist he's going to be once the show is over:

Jason Mraz "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)"


If he wants to find untapped emotions in the most unlikely pop song:

Miley Cyrus "See You Again"


Jessica Simpson "I Think I'm In Love With You"


Michelle Branch "Breathe"


If he wants to prove that he makes songs originated by women suitable for a man's voice:

Eurythmics "Thorn In My Side"


Robyn "With Every Heartbeat"


If he wants to do an acoustic version of a heavy rock song:

The Killers "When You Were Young"

I Think This Picture Says It All

Picture courtesy of this amazing list of 25 Reasons to Vote for Kris Allen Into the American Idol Finale (half of which include his beautiful face!) brought to my attention by partner in crime in Kris Allen-obsessing this season, the ever fabulous Nick. Put the GO in Gokey!

Speaking of that last bit, I finally started watching the Idolatry videos on EW.com yesterday and I am completely in love with Kristen Baldwin and her incomparable dry wit. Seriously, I would marry her if I ever got the chance.

American Idol Recap: Top 3 Edition

Theme: Judge's Choice, Finalist's Choice and...oh wait, that's it because the judges can't keep their fucking traps shut for long enough to even get through six songs in an hour. Seriously, how do they keep going past 9:00 every damn episode?

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "Heartless" Just when I was ready to write Kris off after a decent first round performance and Gokey mugging his way through "You Are So Beautiful," proving what an "amazing" "vocalist" he is, he surprised everyone with by announcing that he was doing a Kanye West song. Readers, I'm not going to lie- I literally did the gay inhale at this point. The sheer audacity of the choice combined with the artistry and knack for turning the most random songs (ie She Works Hard for the Money, Remember the Time, Ain't No Sunshine) into material that works for him as an artist was enough to get me excited. With the level of depth and feeling he mined from a song that's currently one of the most robotic songs on the radio, Mr. Allen did not disappoint in the slightest and in fact improved upon the original. The greatest thing about this performance is that, for once, Kris has stolen the spotlight from the seemingly unstoppable train of publicity from one Glambert and gotten everyone in America talking about his performance (Hell, my friend who never even watches the show told me via Facebook this morning that she caught his performance and was so impressed she called and voted for him). This kind of buzz couldn't have come at a better time.

Paula Claps
Quite good

Kris Allen "Apologize" Not as amazing as it could have been, but the way the judges went on, you would have thought it was the most atrocious thing they had ever heard. I love (ie really, really detest) how the judges often criticize the singers for changing up the melody when it was strong enough to be sung straight through, but when Kris does just that, they tell him he should have changed it up. Still, A++ for effort (if the judges can use that as a critique, so can I!).

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Adam Lambert "Cryin'" Clichéd and uninspiring. He did everything you would expect him to do with the song and consequently I was bored silly. Next.

Adam Lambert "One" When Simon picked this song out, did he have a brainfart and completely forget that Mary J. Blige did the ultimate cover of this song a couple of years ago (and even sang it with Elliot Yamin on the Season 5 Finale) or did he honestly think that Adam was ever going to match that genuine emotion MJB brought to it? This song was a complete failure on all fronts.

Danny Gokey "You Are So Beautiful" Seriously? Of all the songs in the universe you could ever pick, you go with this eternally dull and hopelessly old-fashioned choice? If this is any hint about what your first album is going to sound like, excuse me while I stick my head in an oven to escape the sound of feel-goody Christian bullshit and insipid romantic ballads. I think I'd rather listen to Eoghan Quigg's album (Haha, okay, maybe that was taking it a bit too far, but the point still stands).

Danny Gokey "Dance Little Sister" I was unfamiliar with Terence Trent D'Arby's version of this song, so I decided to YouTube it and I can honestly see where Paula was going with this choice (whoever said she was the weak link on the panel honestly needs to reappraise their standards- she is honestly the only decent judge left on the show). Unfortunately for her, Danny completely let her down--what else is new--and just mangled this song like a cat sharpening it's claws all over your brand new leather couch. D'Arby was able to use his growly voice and still keep the song light and airy; Gokey, on the other hand, just completely deflated any attempt at smoothness, especially with those epically bad "Do-do-do's" which lingered there like a bad aftertaste. If this fucker gets in the finals over Kris Allen, I seriously have no clue how I will react. It will either be an uncontrollable rage that lands me in jail or a coma-like trance that I won't emerge from for a long while.

American Idol Recap: Top 4 Edition

Okay, I'm not doing my usual tier thing because 1) if you read this blog often enough, you'll know exactly how it will end up, so why bother? and 2) I'm so pissed at tonight's Idol show that I just need to rant about it to get it out of my system. First of all, the show's treatment of my Kris was abominable. We all know that this week was going to be rough for our favorite mellow, hip indie fellow, but he was completely fucked over by the show at every twist and turn. After finishing his duet with Danny (And, seriously, what the fuck was with that? I don't watch Idol to see stupid duets thrown together for no reason other than to fill time. What happened to having each contestant sing two songs?), Simon declared Danny to be the "winner" of the duet. Well, of course he was the winner since he SHOUTED over Kris anytime they had to sing together. Besides, the song was not suited to Kris's voice at all. Then, after a short commercial break, Kris had to come back out and sing his solo. I was a bit nervous about his choice of The Beatles' "Come Together," especially after Carly Smithson knocked it out of the park last year with the best performance of the entire season, but then he started singing and, of course, added his own personal touch to it. Was it his best performance? No, but that doesn't mean it deserved the beating it got from the judges. I'm just wondering what the hell they were expecting. Kris wasn't suddenly going to grow a big, meaty voice over the course of a week and compete with the others in that way, so he did what he always does: adding a real emotional layer that is absent from the two favorites (Danny and Adam) in this competition.

While we're on the topic of those two, can we talk about how incredibly shitty their performances were? Adam went back to his old shrieking routine and, of course, the judges loved it with Simon going so far as to proclaim it the best of the night. Oh, did I mention he went first? Seriously Simon? Could you be any more obvious? Danny was just as bad and that horrific last note on "Dream On" made me want to jump off a five story building and smash my head onto the ground. Thankfully, the judges were the harshest on him they've have been all season. It was a complete trainwreck from beginning to end and an embarrassment to all involved. Allison picked the right artist and song for her voice and I'm glad that she stood up to Kara's absolutely stupid idea that she should have sung "Piece of My Heart" since, like Allison said, that has been done so many times.

One final complaint: when they were doing the duets, why did they pair the two rockers against the two non-rockers and then act like it was fair for Simon to compare them? That would be like having James Blunt and Leona Lewis team up to compete with Missy Elliott and Eve in a rap contest; it makes no fucking sense at all. If they were smart, they would have split Adam and Allison up to see the rock magic they could bring to the others. Then again, this season of Idol hasn't exactly been known for being smart.

American Idol Recap: Top 5 Edition

Theme: Rat Pack style music with Jamie Foxx as the super secret mentor. Yeah, I've got nothing.

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "The Way You Look Tonight" Didn't he look gorgeous tonight? Yum. He should be in a suit every week. Oh, and the performance was excellent as well. But do you really expect anything less from Mr. Allen? I didn't think so.

Allison Iraheta "Someone to Watch Over Me" Another brilliant performance from Ms. Iraheta that was pretty much fucked over by Simon and his stupid comments. Of course she wants to win this or why else would she be here? What a fucking stupid question to ask.

Paula Claps
Quite good

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Matt Giraud "My Funny Valentine" The beginning was awful and the whole thing was nowhere near as good as Melinda Doolittle's superb rendition on season 6. Sad to say, but I think this may have been his final performance (even though Simon loved it for whatever reason).

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Danny Gokey "Come Rain or Come Shine" Awful, awful, awful. The beginning was boring as hell which lead up to the inevitable shouting fest that is included, no charge, in any Danny Gokey number. I still do not see how the judges think that he is marketable in any way possible. Who the Christ is going to buy his Christian, feel good, soul music shit?

Adam Lambert "Feeling Good" This was terrible even by Adam Lambert's awful standards. Way too over-the-top and that maddening shrieking returned as well. Blurg. When he sang that glory note towards the end, I said to my friend sitting next to me, "The judges are going to eat that shit up." And they did. Gah, this douche's inevitable road to the season 8 crown gets me angrier by the minute.

American Idol Recap: Top 7 (Again) Edition

Theme: Disco Night. And it wasn't as atrocious as you would think.

"Touchdown!"
Really ecstatic

Kris Allen "She Works Hard for the Money" OMG I HAVE TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M SO EXCITED AT HOW SPLENDIFEROUS THIS PERFORMANCE WAS. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT TURNING DONNA SUMMER'S DISCO CLASSIC INTO AN ACOUSTIC JAM WOULD HAVE WORKED AS WELL AS IT DID. MARRY ME KRIS, YOU ARE SO FREAKING AMAZING XOXO.

Paula Clap
Quite good

Allison Iraheta "Hot Stuff" Only Allison could make a rock-ified version of the Donna Summer classic work as well as it did, but I really wish next week she would pick a song that didn't seem so "obvious." I want her to dig and dig through the songs she can choose from and pick one that will allow her to stretch a bit and not just rock out to a super obvious and already covered song. Other than that, fantastic work from Miss Iraheta as usual.

Dancing in My Seat
No one ever said it took much to get Paula on her feet

Matt Giraud "Staying Alive" I liked this number at first, but after a couple of listens it's starting to completely annoy me. As with the original Bee Gee's version, the opening is epic and Matt completely nails it. But after the first chorus, the song just drags and poor Matt is just going down with a sinking ship. It wasn't bad enough to get him voted off, but you never know with America. They're complete fucktards some most of the time.

Adam Lambert "If I Can't Have You" Mr. Shrieky slows it down and "emotes," pounding every note and word into our brain with the subtlety of a sledgehammer and draining every ounce of emotion he can out of the lyrics like the complete ham that he is. I think Mr. Shrieky would make a fine Broadway musical actor, tucked away in some theatre where I never have to hear from him again, but I would never EVER want to hear him on the radio. And I doubt many others will either.

"Well, You Look Beautiful..."
It's never good when she starts with this

Anoop "Dim All the Lights" He got the pimp slot and I'm still having trouble remembering anything about his performance except that botched last note. Oops.

Lil Rounds "I'm Every Woman" Girlfriend, it's time to pack it up and head on home. Karaoke at it's worst and it's not all about having fun on the stage; you need to sing, girl!

Danny Gokey "September" I love my Paula, but the woman is delusional if she honestly believes that Dead Wife Guy deserves to be in the finals (even Adam is leagues above him). The judges constantly yell at Lil (and rightly so) for doing karaoke versions of every song she does, but why does Danny never get yelled at for doing the exact same thing week after week? Is it because they think that the shouting he adds to every song equals emotion or something revelatory? I have no clue and am at a complete loss for words why this douchebag keeps on getting praised when he has not even come close to having a "moment" on that stage.