Imaginary Boyfriends of 2010

Darren Criss

He managed to make Glee watchable for roughly five minutes with his renditions of 'Teenage Dream' and the originally dire 'Hey Soul Sister.' For that alone, he makes what the original Miracle Worker Anne Sullivan did look like child's play. And he was surprisingly sexy and sultry on 'Baby It's Cold Outside,' his duet with Chris Colfer; Lord knows I wouldn't have refused if he asked me to stay the night.

Ed Drewett

He's a hot Aryan ready and willing to save electropop from the clutches of evil doers who want to see it destroyed. You really can't ask for much more than that, can you?

Michael Fassbender

Literally one week into 2010, I witnessed what is perhaps the most indelible image of the year in Fish Tank: Michael Fassbender, shirtless and with pants barely covering his ass, first appears in the life of the film's protagonist. The rest of the film is pure Fassbender Porn as director Andrea Arnold subsequently makes both Katie Jarvis and the audience slowly fall in pure lust with the man. I thought he was particularly charming in last year's Inglourious Basterds, but 2010 was the year when I wanted Michael Fassbender to put me over his knee and spank me as he does to Katie Jarvis at one point in Fish Tank.

Tom Ford and his muse Nicholas Hoult

While Fish Tank was Fassbender Porn, Tom Ford's directorial debut A Single Man was Nicholas Hoult Porn. I didn't get to see it until early in this year but it was so worth the wait. Ford is clearly in love with Nicholas Hoult's face and spends a good amount of time filling the frame with his wonderful mug. And don't even get me started about That Scene! Nick and Tom clearly know what we all want and aren't afraid to give it to us. While Nick was showing the goods on-screen, Tom brings them every time he makes a public appearance. The man is approaching 50 and is as fuckable as ever. Together, this fabulous duo made 2010 that much sexier.

Andrew Garfield

"Oh Andy!" became a popular expression around my Twitter account in the weeks leading into the release of The Social Network and I haven't stopped using it since. There's simply so much to love about this adorable Brit--his talent, his good looks, his awkwardness, his goofiness--and 2010 offered a smorgasbord of Andy delights. The year started with Red Riding: 1974, a British crime drama which featured Andy as a hulking sex god who...I don't know, solves a crime or something? I honestly remember very little of the actual film besides him sexing Rebecca Hall and his glorious Louis Garrel-esque Sex Hair. Next came Never Let Me Go, which was good but felt like a little bit of a retread of his Boy A work. Finally, we have The Social Network, which is hopefully going to snag him an Oscar nomination come January. He does excellent work in the film, bouncing off Eisenberg's introverted asshole savant with his usual subtlety and nuance. Coming up next: the new Spider Man film which, for once, I'm actually excited about like your average fanboy. But I'm sure it's for far different reasons.

Tom Hardy

After Marion Cotillard, the one thing in Inception that left the most vivid impression on me was the hulking, but equally charismatic, Tom Hardy. He clearly wasn't taking the whole premise seriously and managed to inject some fun into the proceedings, mostly through the sexual tension between him and the uptight Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Towards the end of the year, the internet was flooded with on the set images of Hardy on his new film with Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine called This Means War where he and Pine play best friends who fight over Witherspoon. Any movie where those two go at it is one that is instantly going to the top of my Most Anticipated Movies list.

Francisco Lachowski

Francisco, or Chico as he is affectionately known around the interweb, is one of the most versatile male models on the planet. This Brazilian can do it all: goofy, sensual, sexy, dramatic, intense. And, often, he's able to portray two or three of those at the same time. Chico has a great gift and I hope he continues giving in the next year.

Joe McElderry

I've already gone on at length about why I love La Joe, as we cool kids on Twitter have come to call him, but I still need to mention him on this list. He sings, he dances, he wears leather jackets, he's not interested in Adam Lambert AND he makes me giggle when he falls down. La Joe is clearly a perfect man.

Simon Nessman

This curly-haired Canadian model seems like such a regular, down home guy, especially compared to sexy aloofness that Chico Lachowski and River Viiperi often project. Both types of models are necessary to the modeling world, but Nessman is quite obviously the best at what he does.

Xavier Samuel

I've been in love with Xavier for awhile, but 2010 was the year he made his American breakthrough in the latest installment of the Twilight series. He was so beautiful and so sexy in the film I both forgot about Taylor Lautner momentarily and briefly understood why so many people are turned on by vampires. When he was unceremoniously dragged away by a pack of werewolves to a certain death by the end of the film, I asked my friend in vain if he would be coming back in the next film. Trying to spare my feelings, she told me, "Um, yeah!" The next installment of Twilight will be sorely lacking without this Aussie hunk.

Alexander Skarsgard

The other hot vampire of 2010, Alexander Skarsgard caught my attention earlier this year with his striking good looks and his massive frame. I could only make it through the first season of True Blood, when Alex's hair was so unappealing I could barely muster any sexual interest, but this doesn't prevent me from thinking he's a hot piece of ass.

River Viiperi

This Spanish model made a big breakthrough in 2010 with a wide variety of editorials in a short period of time. His range is nearly as wide as Lachowski's, but he has a signature look in every one of them which sets him apart from nearly every other model in the game. He has clearly taken lessons from Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model, which is obviously not a bad way to hone your craft.

It's Not Easy Being a Muse

Poor Nicky, getting attacked by those angry looking birds like he was an extra in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Whoever said being Tom Ford's muse was all sunshine and rainbows (and sexy makeout times) obviously has no idea what they're talking about. On a positive note, at least this isn't happening to him (totally NSFW, by the way).

2009 Diva Cup Awards: Best Picture and Director

Best Director

Neill Blomkamp
District 9

Tom Ford
A Single Man

Greg Mottola
Adventureland

Oren Moverman
The Messenger

Erick Zonca
Julia

And the Diva Cup Goes to: Neill Blomkamp, District 9

Best Picture/Top 10 Films of the Year

10. (500) Days of Summer
Directed by Marc Webb
The film wears its aspiration to be the new Annie Hall on its sleeve, but you'd be hard pressed to find a more charming or downright fun romantic comedy.











9. Precious
Directed by Lee Daniels
An uncompromising film which presents its ugliness as honestly as a Toni Morrison novel. A few flourishes distract, but Precious is raw, emotional cinema.











8. Jennifer's Body
Directed by Karyn Kusama
The most undervalued film of the year, not only because people didn't want to like it from the start but also because no one--not even the film's marketers--really understood what screenwriter Diablo Cody was aiming for. This isn't a straight horror film like the trailers want you to believe but, rather, a black horror comedy about the fairer sex getting their revenge on male oppressors.








7. [Rec]
Directed by Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza
Released in Spain in 2007, [Rec] made its US debut on DVD this year after the relative success of its American remake Quarantine. I have yet to see the remake, but I can't imagine wanting to be compared to this nightmare of a film. This is how all horror films should be: suspenseful, twisted and horrifically shocking. If that final scene in the locked apartment don't give you nightmares, you are the bravest person in the world.







6. The Brothers Bloom
Directed by Rian Johnson
A delicious con game of a film. Johnson does a masterful job masking his deception, keeping us guessing until the bitter end.












5. Adventureland
Directed by Greg Mottola
What could have been played for cheap laughs is handled with an unexpected maturity. Mottola gets the most out one of the most random ensembles ever assembled as they help turn Adventureland from Superbad Redux to something as smart as Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.









4. A Single Man
Directed by Tom Ford
Where many found empty stylistics and visuals covering up an even emptier core, I found beautiful imagery used to amplify just how lonely and ugly George's, said "single man" of the film, world is. Call me crazy, but it works.










3. Julia
Directed by Erick Zonca
This is one film not afraid of its leading lady and her mammoth performance. Zonca and company matches Ms. Swinton every step of the (batshit crazy) way.











2. The Messenger
Directed by Oren Moverman
A quiet, keenly observed human drama about three regular people dealing with the Iraq War. There are no grand pronouncements nor are any "messages" spelled out as obviously as in this film's generic cousin Up in the Air; this is just a smart movie whose strengths lie in the underplayed.










1. District 9
Directed by Neill Blomkamp
I still think is the best decription for District 9 (from my post honoring my favorite films of the decade): "I wanted to vomit. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to hide. I'm pretty sure I felt every possible human emotion throughout the course of District 9. I loved every minute of it."







And the Diva Cup Goes to: District 9

Nomination Tally:

9 Nominations
District 9
A Single Man

8 Nominations
Precious

7 Nominations
The Brothers Bloom
The Messenger

6 Nominations
(500) Days of Summer
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
Star Trek

5 Nominations
Adventureland

4 Nominations
An Education
In the Loop
The Informant!
Julia

3 Nominations
Away We Go
The Box
Jennifer's Body
Obsessed
[Rec]
Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself

2 Nominations
17 Again
Antichrist
Avatar
Drag Me to Hell
The Headless Woman
The Lovely Bones
Sunshine Cleaning
Twilight Saga: New Moon
Up

1 Nomination
La Belle Personne
Confessions of a Shopaholic
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Funny People
Grey Gardens
Julie & Julia
Moon
Ponyo

Win Tally:

4 Wins
District 9

3 Wins
The Brothers Bloom
Precious

2 Wins
Jennifer's Body
Obsessed

1 Win
Adventureland
Avatar
Drag Me to Hell
An Education
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Headless Woman
The Informant!
Julia
The Messenger
Nine
[Rec]
Twilight Saga: New Moon

This May or May Not Be My Computer Background Right Now. Oh, and This is Probably NSFW.

Tom Ford is My Daddy

A couple of days ago, I asked my Formspring peeps about which men old enough to be their fathers they would want to have sex with. My guys did not let me down, coming up with a wide variety of older hunks that put many of today's younger generation to shame. One name that popped up repeatedly was fashion designer and film director Tom Ford. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been crushing on him ever since one of Oprah's numerous Oscar specials when he came on with Colin Firth to talk about A Single Man. He is such a smooth motherfucker; every word that came out of his mouth literally had me melting into my chair. When I saw him on a couple of people's lists, I decided to do a little investigating of my own. I knew he was older, but I didn't realize until I checked Wikipedia that he is old enough to be my father! In face, he's actually nearly four years older than my own father. My jaw nearly dripped to the floor when I saw he was born in 1961. Nearly 50 years old and he looks like that. Shit son, if I look half as good as he does now when I'm 30 I'll consider myself lucky. And, as a healthy 21-year old male, I'm proud to say that I would tap that in a heartbeat. I would have no problems calling Tom "Daddy" if he asked me to.




I have to admit something though: I find Tom Ford interesting beyond his general sexiness (and his potential as a director). From the way he styles himself to his ad campaigns, he brands himself as this taboo-shattering, sexually-liberated playboy. When I look at him, I imagine him hanging out at all the clubs with his famous model friends and leaving with two or three hot 20-something men hanging off his arms which he takes back to his place for a hot orgy. I also like to think that behind the scenes of A Single Man he was banging his "muse" Nicholas Hoult just because he could. But then I read he's been involved with the same man, a man who's around 20 years older than him, for decades and I'm doing the Miley "Whuuuuuuut?" Those two images do not go together in my head at all. Like, I'm happy that he's found someone to be in a committed, stable relationship with, but it seems like such a waste. That sexy man-goodness belongs on top of a hot 20-year old, not a senior citizen.

Rants on A Single Man

Sometimes it takes a non-filmmaker to come in with a fresh perspective on acceptable filmic modes of expression and shake up the way we see and think about the movies. Orson Welles, perhaps the most famous example, was a stage director and radio star before he got the chance to tinker around with films in Citizen Kane. François Truffaut and Jean-Luc Godard were French film critics who put their money where their mouth was when they birthed the Nouvelle Vague with The 400 Blows and Breathless, respectively. Richard Lester, director of A Hard Day's Night, one of the breeziest and most carefree movies ever made, had only previously worked in TV beforehand and made things up as he went along. The examples are practically endless, but the point remains the same: sometimes, when a vision or ideology is strong enough, traditional and formal cinematic direction isn't necessary. Watching a director experiment with the medium can often times be just as illuminating as watching an old pro do the business over and over again.

Now, I don't mean to suggest that director Tom Ford deserves to be in such esteemed company yet. But if A Single Man is any indication of what Ford has to offer, give him another film or two and he may just live up to his promise. A Single Man is not a perfect movie. However, it is one of those rare movies where perfection would have detracted from what makes it ultimately work. A Single Man is a film of raw emotion. With every tightly composed and constructed shot, Ford's personal connection with the story and George (Colin Firth) is immediately felt and unexpectedly affecting. But this film isn't a self-centered masturbation exercise; the emotions he conjures up on-screen are universal. Ford does wonders with loneliness and isolation, but one of my favorite moments of the entire movie was also one of the most simplistic: George and Charlotte (isn't it great to see Julianne Moore laughing again?) are in her living room dancing to 'Stormy Weather' when Charlotte suddenly, in a fit of inspiration, puts on new, more contemporary record. She starts doing this ridiculous dance, obviously picked up on a youth-friendly show like American Bandstand, and starts urging George to join her. Initially, he laughs her off but eventually gives into temptation and lets loose for the first time in the movie. This moment, while hardly revelatory, simply feels spot on in the moment. I can just imagine doing this some of my best friends 20 years from now, just forgetting ourselves for the moment and doing something silly. Ford captures the irrepressible bond old friends have, the way they can laugh at old stories and make a fool out of themselves without giving the slightest shit.


Many have accused Tom Ford of over-beautifying the images and mise-en-scene to the point of distraction. While I can see where they are coming from, I think, if anything, the shockingly gorgeous imagery only deepens the film's themes of loneliness and isolation. George may be surrounded by a world of perfectly designed houses, crisp tailored suits, beautifully manicured lawns and extraordinarily good looking people, but that does not curtail his emptiness or make missing Jim any less painful. All the prettiness the world can muster will not bring Jim back from the dead. I find it interesting that Ford chose to represent it this way when there were so many more traditional ways he could have taken it. But that is precisely what is so fascinating about A Single Man: nothing about it feels particularly safe. Ford is experimenting with the medium, having fun with its numerous possibilities. Some of his ideas don't exactly pan out--I still don't know why that owl was there--but when he gets it right, boy does he get it right. A big shoutout goes to editor Joan Sobel for taking Ford's blankly beautiful film and making it even more coldly arresting. Another of my favorite moments of the film is when George is in the classroom giving a lecture and as he leans on his desk, listening to one of his students ask a question, his mind goes adrift with quick cutting images of people around the room, including the above shot of Kenny (Nicholas Hoult) and his bombshell girlfriend Lois blankly puffing on a cigarette and extreme close-ups of Kenny's eyes. I can not even begin to decipher what Ford truly means with this imagery, but the way it lingers on the brain is truly intoxicating.

I must say, I do not exactly understand the argument that A Single Man's beautiful imagery is nothing more than empty stylistics. Conceding the fact that narrative drive does not exactly come first, there is a real heart beating deep within the film that the images expand on. For me, those emotions and feelings are more powerful and lasting than an expanded, beefed-up story could have shown. A-

Nicholas Hoult is Taking Over the World...

...and I don't mind one bit.

Okay, so maybe Nicholas Hoult isn't quite "taking over the world." But he is in every other magazine with a new photo spread in conjunction with the release of A Single Man. Thankfully, this exposure is colliding with my rising infatuation with lust for him. I was initially hooked on Nicky about a year ago when I saw the first couple episodes of Skins, but after I finally finished the damn first season about a month ago, I was gone. He was rude, manipulative, vile, uncaring, almost sociopathic and, yet, oh so sexy. I don't know what this says about me, but I have a thing for male characters who are charming and, at the same time, complete dicks. I don't care who Tony was fucking on that show, I would have ridden him like a bronco (overshare?). That's why I didn't understand the episode where Tony offers to have sex with Maxxie and Maxxie TURNS HIM DOWN. I was like, "Are you blind, boy?"



Now that A Single Man has blown up, relatively speaking, and Nicky has become director/fashion designer Tom Ford's muse of sorts, he's been featured in all of the fashion magazines. I'm fascinated by the director/muse relationship in general since it usually involves a director inspired by an actress (and who among us isn't inspired by at least one actress in any time period?). There are a couple of memorable male/male relationships of this sort (Kurosawa/Mifune, Scorsese/DeNiro, Scorsese/DiCaprio), but Ford and Hoult are interesting because Ford seems entranced by his beauty more so than his talent (which, let me reiterate, Nicky does have). As I'm sure I've said before, I'm all for the objectification of men--Lord knows women have been subjected to it for years--so it's nice to see that a smart, interesting actor like Nicholas Hoult is being exploited, for the time being at least, for his looks. Better him than someone like Orlando Bloom or Hayden Christensen.

Another reason, besides his looks and his talent, to love Nicky is his great sense of humor. Take a gander at this interview from the Guardian and see what I mean. The first half of the interview portrays him as nothing more than your typical "young male actor uncomfortable with the spotlight," but by the end his true playful personality emerges in such quips like:

"The questions I was asked most often were about Tom Ford's direction, playing a gay character and then there was the being-very-naked question [about his skinny-dipping scene with Firth]. It was just naked, gay and Tom, really."

and

"I check to see if he still wants me to say he's a bare-knuckle fighter. 'Oh yes – I've been training with my nan this morning,' he laughs. 'Actually, I've got tonsilitis and I've spent the last few days on the sofa eating ice cream with my nan. Today we're going to watch Driving Miss Daisy. Then we're going to re-enact it afterwards. We're already dressed up and… no, I'm not going to go there.'"

and

"He's also been reading at lot. At the moment it's The Five People You Meet in Heaven and before that it was The Life of Pi, which he thought would make a wonderful film. 'But I looked it up and Ang Lee's already on it. Damn him, he steals all my ideas.'"

Brains, beauty and a sense of humor? He's almost too good to be true.

For more Nicholas Hoult hilarity, check out this review of his favorite restaurant.